Consequences or Punishment?

Good Monday Morning friends,

I’m so excited. We have over 500 people registered for the free webinar on Wednesday night, February 1 at 9PM ET answering the question, Does God Want me to Be Happy? It’s not too late to join us, and we’d love to have you attend. Click here for more information or to register.

This week’s question: I've read some of your books, and I wholeheartedly believe that I deserve to be treated better than I am. This crazy cycle isn't ok, and it must stop one way or another. I'm on-board with that much.

My trouble is that I need some help thinking creatively about what natural consequences might be. It's easy when it's a little kid. For example: "You know the rules; until you can respect the furniture and sit on it properly (rather than jumping), you may not use it. Here...sit on the floor to have your lunch and maybe tomorrow you can use the furniture again properly."

What do you do with a husband and that crazy cycle? I can go toe-to-toe when I have to, but really what I want to do is run far, far away. In these times, I want nothing but out of this relationship.

I desire to be treated properly, but don't know another reaction other than fight it out (which gets sooooo old) or flee. Those are my two stand-by's. However, I don't like it (actually it angers me) that I don't know any other reaction. What actions could I take instead? Can you give some practical examples of how to dance differently?

Answer: First of all let me commend you that you even want to dance differently and you’re not happy with your own “reactions”. Let’s take the metaphor of the dance. If you were dancing with someone and they repeatedly stepped on your toes, what would a “natural” consequence be, especially after you kindly asked them to be more careful or to stop dancing that way? If they would not change their behavior, then you would have to dance differently yourself if you wanted your toes to stop hurting.

That might mean you stop slow dancing with that person or you let go of his hands and step back and dance separately. If he pulls you back into the embrace of a slow dance, then you stop dancing once again and say, “I won’t close dance with you because you’re stepping on my toes. That hurts me, and I’ve asked you to stop and you haven’t. Until you learn to dance with me without stepping on my toes, I am not able to slow dance with you.

Now it’s his turn to make a choice. Either he will stop dancing altogether with you, dance separately, or learn how to dance without stepping on your toes. Meanwhile, he may scream and blame you that you’re being too sensitive, unreasonable, unsubmissive, mean spirited, and sinful because you won’t dance with him like he wants.

This is where we get fuzzy headed and manipulated. We do want to dance with our spouse, and we do want to dance closely. We also believe that it is God’s will and what we promised when we got married. Therefore, we feel guilty pulling away or putting boundaries down. We look inside and think maybe we were too sensitive or selfish.

It doesn’t help when he screams and accuses and blames until we can’t think straight. So we try harder and go back to dancing close, but when he steps on our toes again and we can’t take it anymore, we blow up or run away. This pattern repeats itself again and again as a person gets lured in or dragged back into the same old dance where your toes keep getting stepped on.

So, you asked for some practical ways to implement consequences when your husband is abusive toward you. You don’t mention specifically what is happening so I can’t coach you in specific strategies but here are some general principles about consequences.

It’s important that we understand that we are not punishing our spouse (as a parent might punish a child). That is not our role and it is inappropriate. Consequences are meant to wake us up and help us to see more clearly. The pain of our sin is meant to teach us not to repeat the same things over and over again. The scriptures are clear, what a man sows he reaps (Galatians 6:7). When a man sows discord, abuse, enmity, strife, and pain in a marital relationship, there is a natural consequence. He doesn’t reap the benefits of a good marriage relationship.

If he didn’t experience that painful consequence, it would enable him to stay deceived into thinking that he can act sinfully and not suffer any consequences. That is not the truth. So painful consequences have a way of helping a person change his sinful ways because he doesn’t like or want that PAIN of the consequences.

I think this is where many Christian women have been misadvised and foolish. They have put up with terrible treatment and still tried to provide the relational closeness of a healthy, loving marriage. That enables the husband to deceive himself into thinking that it is “her problem” and “she makes me act this way”. The lie is that it doesn’t matter how I behave or treat her, she’s my wife for life, God hates divorce, and therefore I’m entitled to the perks of a good marriage. That is not biblical wisdom, nor healthy reality testing.

So here are some natural consequences for an abusive relationship:

1. Call the police and press charges if he is physically abusive. The longer you make excuses or put up with it, the more aggressive he will become. A night or time in jail helps someone see that what they are doing is not only wrong, it is illegal and you will not allow yourself or your children to be physically abused.

2. When he becomes verbally aggressive, end the conversation. Simply walk away when he begins his screaming or verbal assault. Remind him that you will not allow yourself to be spoken to that way. Do not argue with those boundaries. If he follows you, go to a bedroom and lock the door. If he breaks it down, call the police. Always make sure you carry a cell phone with you and have it preprogrammed to 911.

3. If he verbally assaults you in a closed area such as a car, refuse to drive with him. Drive yourself separately because he can’t control himself. He loses the privilege of your company when he mistreats you.

4. Exit the situation if it is escalating. If you need to leave the house because you feel in danger, whether emotionally, physically or sexually, you need to have a safety plan in place. That might mean putting a spare car key in the garage or under a planter, packing a suitcase and hiding it in the trunk or garage, or making sure your children know that when you say a certain phrase, they all exit the house and get into the car. If you’ve been through the cycle, you can tell when he’s getting himself worked up. You don’t have to stay for the blow-up stage. Leave. The consequences for his inability to control his temper and his tongue (or his hands) is the loss of your company (for a hour, for an evening, for a season).

5. Separation. If someone repeatedly refuses to listen and you are in a position to do so, separation can be a very effective consequence for this kind of behavior. It has the potency to “wake him up” and let him know that he cannot continually act abusively towards someone and expect that they will still want to be in a loving relationship with him. Separating often begins to open the abusers eyes for the first time that you are a separate individual with your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own needs. Before you return back into the relationship, however, it’s important that he not only “see” what he’s done wrong, but that he’s gotten help in respecting your “no” and with the ability to tolerate and manage his own negative emotions.

6. End the relationship. Some Biblical scholars disagree on whether or not abuse is a biblical reason to dissolve a marriage. Certainly, it would be a last resort after all other steps have been taken. But it is a natural consequence of this kind of behavior. When someone repeatedly abuses someone else without repentance, without remorse, and without change, what are the alternatives? The choices are continued separation, continued abuse, or ending the relationship. Sometimes the abuse continues throughout the separation and end of a marriage through legal harassment, child custody disputes, and withholding of finances.

In addition, although these are not technically consequences, I want to give you some things you can say when your husband is starting his tirade. You say your pattern typically is to either “fight it out or flee”. Instead, try saying one of these phrases and then walk away: “Just because you think that way doesn’t make it true” or “I’m not going to argue about that” or “That wasn’t appropriate or a nice thing to say” or “I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way.” Again those statements will not transform your spouse, but it will open his eyes a bit to you as a separate person who is not going to allow herself to be bullied, badgered, manipulated and mistreated. As you gain respect for yourself and handle yourself in godly ways, you will exert a powerful influence on your husband and children. And, those are good things.

Hear me. You can make a bad relationship better all by yourself by not escalating the conflict, not retaliating, not repaying evil for evil and not engaging when someone is pushing your buttons, but as much as you desire a good marriage, you cannot make a bad marriage a good marriage all by yourself.

In closing, here just a few verses from Proverbs that tell us the results and consequences of living with a difficult person:

22:3 A prudent man forsees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.

22:8 He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow.

23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words.

23:10 Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave; yes, strive and reproach will cease.

24:25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Am I enabling my new husband and understanding God's perfect will?

Good Monday morning friends,

I want to invite you to my very first webinar on Wednesday, February 1st at 9:00 PM ET. Far too many people think that they have to suffer in order to live a God-ly life. They find themselves wallowing in negative feelings, dealing with feelings of overwhelm and experiencing intense sadness. I'm sharing the keys to living a happy, joyous and fulfilled life according to God's plan in a special free webinar. For more information or to register, go to http://www.leslievernick.com/registration.html.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend. My girlfriends and I are choosing words to define or clarify our focus and goals for this New Year. One friend chose “Remember”, another chose “Everything”, another “Learn” and another “Strong”.

They also picked verses to go with them which are below.

“Be STRONG and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” Joshua 1:7

“God's divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him, who called us by His own goodness and glory.” 2 Peter 1.3

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4.6

I thought it was a great exercise, so I wanted to challenge you to think of a word or phrase, with an accompanying verse, that will help keep you on track. Last year my word was “Presence”. This year I’ve chosen two words, Balance and Purposeful. I want my life to reflect the Apostle Paul’s prayer when he prays,

“And this is my prayer: that my love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that I may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” Philippines 1:9-11

How about you? Share with us your word or phrase for 2012.

This week’s question: I googled how to deal with controlling people/spouse and I found your articles. It is the first time in Christian circles I have ever heard anything about dealing with an abusive spouse. In the churches we were in, everyone just put on a front.

I’ve been divorced from my abusive spouse for about 4 years. He was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive, but upon reading your article I see how I perpetuated that by trying really hard to be the submissive wife. I had a slanted view. He was sooo angry and acted like he hated/despised me. He would not go to counseling. We were both teachers of the Word and leaders in the church.

I was afraid of him getting mad. I was afraid of him. When I would finally protest, he would just get more angry.

I am married again and my friend tells me I am enabling my new husband. My new husband has learning disabilities and is almost 70 years old so I have compassion for him just like I did my last husband, who had a bad childhood, so I do most of the work, etc. Is this wrong? Am I just making it too easy for him?

I am also carrying a lot of guilt because of the sin of divorce. I fell in love with my second husband while married to my first because my second husband showed me the love that I never had from my first. I have repented of course, but feel like I took a wrong turn now and am not where I am supposed to be and cannot be used by the Lord.

Would you have recommended divorce from the first spouse if he was unwilling to change?

Answer: Wow you asked quite a few questions, and I’ll try to cover most of them. The one I can’t answer is your last one, would I have recommended divorce in your situation. I never recommend divorce to anyone. I don’t think it is my place to recommend such a life-changing decision as to whether or not someone should continue to persevere in a destructive marriage or not. My role is to listen carefully, to help clarify what is really going on, and then help the person get healthy and strong enough to make wise and biblical decisions on how to handle it. In my opinion, divorce is always the last resort when all other efforts to reconcile and bring true peace in the marriage have repeatedly failed.

So let me move on to your question about all the guilt you feel about having an affair with your second husband while still married to your first husband. Guilt is an appropriate emotion anyone should feel when he or she breaks God’s commands. It is hardwired into our conscious. It helps us not to repeat sinful behavior because we feel bad.

You say that you repented of your sin, so I wonder if you’re still struggling with guilty feelings because you don’t believe you’re truly forgiven. Or, perhaps your guilt has morphed into regret. You regret that you rushed ahead of God’s best for you by getting involved with another man while still married to your husband, and now the waters are muddied and you are unclear of God’s will and his purposes for you.

If it’s more unbelief, then understand you are in a spiritual battle. If Satan can’t get us to fall by tempting us with sin, then he will accuse us with our sin and remind us how unworthy we are of God’s forgiveness, mercy and grace. We might think things like, “God hates divorce so he must hate me because I got divorced.” Or “God hates adultery so how could he love me when I was so foolish?”

Jesus cautions us that Satan is a liar and deceiver and accuser (John 8). God’s grace is so good that it even covers the sins God hates most. That’s why it’s called amazing grace. Don’t let Satan rob you of your peace or joy of forgiveness by accusing you of your sin. Notice David’s confession and relief after he received God’s forgiveness for his sexual sin against Bathsheba (Psalm 51). We must choose to believe what God says, that “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” Psalm 103:12

Remember, God doesn’t forgive us because we’re worthy of it, he forgives us because he wants to. The psalmist said, “O Lord, You are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.” (Psalm 86:5 NLT). Can you believe God is that good? That willing to forgive and that loving?

On the other hand if you’re struggling with regret because you fear that you’ve missed God’s best for you, confess that too. I think most of us can relate. We look back on things in our past that we wished we had done differently and wonder if we have been forever doomed to God’s plan B because we got off track.

I’ve just finished reading through Genesis (I’m reading through the Bible this year), and most of the characters, Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca and Jacob and Esau, sinned big time and made huge mistakes. Yet God still used them and his plan was not thwarted. In a nutshell, God’s perfect will for us is not that complicated. Paul says that it is God’s will that we mature and live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4:1-7).

Could you have learned to do that in your first marriage? Yes. Can you still learn to do that now? Yes. You have not missed God’s best for you if you believe what he tells you. The Apostle Paul says God’s best for you is to conform you to the image of Christ and he will use all things for your good (even your sins and mistakes) to accomplish that purpose (Romans 8:28,29). When we believe that, then we know that his work in our life is not finished. He is still shaping you even in this new marriage you’re in.

That brings me to your question of whether or not you are enabling your new husband. Again I can’t know for sure because I don’t know what specific disabilities he has that make him incapable of doing his fair share around the house or to contribute to the marriage. But sometimes our compassion for someone does motivate us to do things for people that they should be doing for themselves. For example, if an adult child doesn’t have enough money to pay his or her bills, any parent would feel badly and be tempted to help, especially if his car is repossessed or she has to move out of her apartment.

However, if the reason they don’t have enough money is that they won’t work, or won’t work at a menial job, or he or she spends money foolishly, then for you to step in and pay the bill because you feel bad would only enable their irresponsibility or laziness. On the other hand, if your child was struggling with serious health difficulties, or an unexpected job loss or an emergency that took more money then was available, of course you would help if you could.

If your husband is capable of helping you with the housework or contributing financially but he refuses because you “do it” just fine, then your compassion is misplaced. If he refuses to do things for himself and you pick up the slack, then you are enabling him to be childish, lazy, selfish, or stuck. You are keeping him from maturing into the man God calls him to be and, in the long run, that is not loving him well.

Sometimes the boundaries between being compassionate and being co-dependent are not always as clear cut as my examples. That’s why we need help to gain clarity to see what’s really going on so we can gain the courage to make the necessary changes. Ask your friend what she sees that make her think you are repeating some of your past enabling behaviors in this marriage and then bring those things to God and talk with him about it. You said some of your misunderstanding of submission caused you to put up with abusive behavior far too long in your first marriage. Perhaps some of your misunderstanding of love and compassion are also causing you to enable behavior that needs to change in this marriage.

Husband says he's sorry and will change, but doesn't. Now what?

Good morning friends,

Do you have people in your life who will tell you the truth? I do and am thankful for that. Remember the childhood story, The Emperor’s New Clothes? No one had the courage to honestly tell the king that he was naked. What happens in our lives if we have no one who will honestly speak the truth?

To learn more about why that’s important, please sign up for my newsletter at www.leslievernick.com which will be coming out tomorrow (January 17th). I am also going to be doing a free webinar Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 9:00 PM ET answering the question whether or not God wants us to be happy and what that really looks like. The webinar will be about 45 minutes long followed by a live question and answer time. If you’ve always wanted to ask me some questions, here’s your chance!

In order to get the webinar sign-up information to you, please submit your e-mail address to my website at www.leslievernick.com.

This week’s question: My husband has had two affairs, he throws things when he’s angry, abandons me for days at a time after an argument, and now has just completely detached himself from our family. He also lies about his whereabouts. I want to be the wife God has called me to be, but I can’t continue this way. My husband always says he is sorry and will change, but these behaviors continue to resurface. Please help.

Answer: I think the first question you must settle is what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be for your husband? Is it a wife that allows herself to be abused, abandoned, lied to, and cheated on with no consequences?

You say I can’t continue this way. I don’t blame you. No one would want to be married this way. But I think your dilemma is that although you can, with God’s help, be the wife that God wants you to be, that doesn’t guarantee that your husband will become the husband God wants him to be or that you want him to be.

But the question remains, what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be here? Do you think he wants you to be passive and continue to live with a man who lies to you, cheats on you, leaves you, and scares you when he’s angry? Or, might God be calling you to love your husband in such a courageous way that you boldly confront his sinfulness, refuse to accept his excuses, and, if he wants to remain married to you, require him to show through his behaviors that he’s repentant and truly wants to change. His words are meaningless. He lies. If he wants to be married, it’s time that he takes specific and consistent action steps that demonstrate that he’s serious and willing to work hard to change.

What might that look like? For starters, he needs to get some accountability partners that will help him stay honest, engaged, and sexually faithful. He needs a plan to help him learn how to manage his emotions when he’s angry or hurt so that he doesn’t get destructive, deceitful, or disengage for long periods of time. Obviously he hasn’t been able to change these habit patterns by himself, so he will need to get professional or pastoral help to learn how to deal with his emotions and understand why he does the things he does. These changes do not happen quickly or painlessly but, with God’s help, are possible for the person who is committed and teachable.

I think you fear that if you hold your husband to these necessary changes and he refuses, then what? I’m going to tell you the unvarnished truth. Your relationship is broken. You may stay legally married, you may even still live together, but you cannot have a good marriage if your husband will not change.

Hear me. You can make a bad marriage better all by yourself (by not retaliating or repaying evil for evil), but you cannot make a bad marriage a good marriage all by yourself no matter how good a wife you are. We only have to read through the book of Jeremiah to see how God longed for Israel to repent, to come to her senses and change, but she would not. God loved Israel, but He could not and would not have a close and intimate relationship with her until she was willing to change her sinful, adulterous, deceitful ways.

God knows what you’re going through. Let him empower you to be the wife he wants you to be and the wife your husband most desperately needs. You don’t have to live this way.

Setting Boundaries With an Adult Daughter

Morning Friends,

I’m in Texas this week with some of my writing and speaking girlfriends. We do this once a year. It’s called Spa Week--although we’re not really at a spa. We’re at a Christian retreat center, in our sweats and sneakers, doing some exercising, walking and eating right, compliments of Carole Lewis and her group, First Place 4 Health. Each January she invites us to be pampered, fed and ministered to so that we are refreshed in mind, body and spirit to minister to others. Thank you Carole and First Place 4 Health!

Question: My adult daughter has moved back home after making a mess out of her life. I think I’ve enabled her to be too dependent on me and now she is acting like an angry teenager instead of a responsible adult. What can I do to help her?

Answer: I hear this so often. Well-meaning parents have crippled their children by not teaching them how to stand on their own two feet. My definition of a good parent is that you work yourself out of your job. In other words, your kids don’t need you in order to function anymore. With that said, you can’t change your daughter. But you can identify and own your problem.

What is that? You have given too much. You’ve been too nice and that may be one reason she is not taking responsibility for her own life. Unfortunately, this kind of unhealthy relationship fosters a love/hate relationship between you and your child. She loves you and is dependent on you and hates you for always being right and having to “need” you.

To change this dynamic, you will need to figure out why you have been overindulgent with your child for so long. Are you afraid to say no? Are you anxious that if she doesn’t need you, she won’t have a relationship with you? Do you pity her and believe she can’t do it without you? This is an important step so that you don’t revert back to rescuing her when things get hard for her.

Second, you need to evaluate what is in her best interest. I know you love your child, but godly love acts in the beloved’s best interests, not just what feels good. I’m sure you didn’t give your child candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner, even if she screamed for it because you know that wasn’t good for her. It is the same principle here. To change things, you will have to say no to her requests for help, not to be mean, but because it is good for her to learn to figure out some things for herself.

Third, you need to let her know how you are changing. I talk about this in section two of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship in detail.

Let me give you a sample speak up dialogue that you may want to share or write to your daughter.

I love you. You are my child and nothing will ever change my love for you. But I realize now that I haven’t always given you what you needed most. I have given you lots of things, probably too much, but I have not given you the confidence that you can manage your life just fine without me. I fear you have grown too dependent on me to solve your problems, to rescue you from your financial woes, and to provide your living space, when at this age, you should be doing these things on your own.

I will take responsibility for my part. I now see that by giving in to you, I didn’t help you grow up. I know you are in a tight spot right now and have moved back home but I want you to know that this is only a temporary solution. I expect you to get a job, work hard and save money toward moving out on your own. You will need to pay room and board while you’re here so that you learn that you have to be responsible for your bills and your life.

I want to have a good relationship with you, and we will not have one if I treat you like a child and you behave as one. I want us to respect and care for each other as adults.

If you haven’t done step 1 and 2 first, it will be hard for you to stick with your resolve. Make a plan as to how you will respond when she cries, complains, criticizes you, or doesn’t pay her room and board. Remember, you can’t make her be responsible or mature at this point in her life. That is her job. However, you can create an atmosphere where it is more likely that she will make those choices.

Are You Living by Faith or by Fear?

Happy New Year Friends,

Are you the kind of person who makes New Years’ Resolutions? I am. I was just going back over last year’s goals and was happy I met some of them, but other’s I totally forgot about it. How about you? What resolutions did you manage to actually keep or change through 2011 and what got pushed back to the backburner of your life?

I’ve found that when we are serious about making change, it helps to have some structure and accountability. For example, if you want to lose weight, structure means that you have a meal plan or specific diet you are following that you know how to do and are taking time to work into your daily routine. Accountability means that you share your goals with someone who can encourage you to reach them. Accountability also may be that you weigh yourself every few days to see if what you are doing is working.

Let’s share with one another the change we want to make this next year and what structure and accountability we are putting in place to reach it.

I am going to read through the Bible this year, so I have downloaded a reading plan that I check off every day. (That’s my structure). My accountability is that I’m telling you all what I am going to do and will have to report to you in 2013 whether or not I reached that goal. Knowing I will have to tell you will help me to actually push to reach my goal.

FYI--I will be a guest on Moody Mid-Day Connection radio program on Tuesday, January 3rd at 12:00 CT talking about depression proofing your life. You can call in with your questions or comments at (877) 548-3675 or (877) LIVE-675 or go to http://www.facebook.com/middayconnection#!/middayconnection

Today’s Question: I read your blog on “Making Christmas Happen for Everyone” (December 5th blog). I have done your suggestions. However, what I experience from my husband when I act in the ways you describe is rage, anger, bitterness and resentment, and it’s not because I didn’t say it right. It’s because he’s not getting his own way, and it’s becoming too much for me to handle (it’s been 25 years).

I believe the next step is to seek a counselor who can help us both communicate better and respect each other, and then allow my husband the gift of consequences if he chooses not to work on these issues. I signed up for a mutual relationship, not a servant/master relationship, and I plan to hold him to his word--lovingly.

I believe, from my experience with my husband, that he will not cooperate with anything and will give me the ultimatum, “Take it or leave it. You have the problem.”

What do you think? Speaking up terrifies me because I don’t know what could happen, and rocking the boat causes a lot of anger, not just in our marriage but in the whole family.

Do you have anything to offer besides trust in the Lord, pray, and don’t be afraid or anxious for nothing. I know these wonderful truths, but even Jesus cried and exuded blood from his pores. Even Moses was scared. Even Abraham doubted when he walked the journey to place Isaac on the altar. All of these emotions are part of being human, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. My family is very dear to me, and I’m afraid that if I put my foot down it will only get worse. Is it wrong to just want peace and rest? I know God won’t give us more than we can handle, but I am so very tired and afraid of the outcome.

Answer: You are right--we are human and we all have real and raw emotions when we live in stressful situations where there is continual conflict, bullying and disrespect.

Your letter indicates you are conflicted about this change you want to make. On the one hand, you say you are very tired of living this way and are ready to make a serious attempt at real change. On the other hand, you are very afraid that the change you desire won’t occur and, by standing up to him, things could get worse.

I was just reading today in the Psalms. It said, “My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war (Psalm 120:6,7 NKJV). Your situation reminds me of many marriages where one person wants peace, but when she or he finally speaks up, it just causes more drama, more hatred, more conflict.

You’re right. Just because you finally take a stand and say “I didn’t sign up for a slave/master relationship” doesn’t mean that your husband will be willing to move toward a more mutual marriage. As long as he’s the master and you’re willing to be the slave, it works for him. However, perhaps he’s just as frightened of change as you are or just as unhappy.

So you ask if there is anything I can offer besides the standard trust God and don’t be anxious? It’s sad to me that we don’t find the comfort and healing in God’s word that he wants us to, but I understand what you are saying.

Here’s what I want you to know. God designed marriage to be a mutually loving and respectful relationship, not a slave/master one. Because that is God’s will for marriage, know that he is on the side of the oppressed when one person takes power over another and uses words, money, physical force or the scriptures to dominate and control the other.

When you respectfully speak up against injustice and oppression in a marriage (or anywhere else for that matter), know that God is on your side. If the other person refuses to listen, the gift of consequences can be a painful but helpful reminder that he or she will not reap the benefits of a good marriage when they sow discord and selfishness.

Sadly, when we are in close relationship with people (as in marriage and family) and one person receives painful consequences, often the entire family also suffers. That’s what you fear and rightly so.

So I think the next step you need to ask yourself in this whole process is do you want to live in fear--fear of staying or the fear of leaving--or do you want to live in faith (whether you think it wise to leave or stay)? Faith that God knows your story. Faith that God is bigger than your story. Faith that God has a plan for your life, and he is your helper in times of trouble.

It’s interesting to me that the psalmist says both, “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:11), and “When I am afraid, I will trust God” (Psalm 56:3). There are times our faith is so big we don’t feel fear. Other times, we are so filled with fear that we will be overwhelmed by it if we don’t trust God.

I pray you choose faith, even when you feel fear.

Favorite Books for 2011

Good morning friends,

I hope you had a wonderful holiday yesterday. Today I thought I’d keep it light. I love to read. I read fiction, non-fiction, and cereal boxes. Here are my three favorite books I’ve read this year. Please return the favor and share what your favorites are and why.


One Thousand Gifts by Ann VosKamp


Hands down one of my favorite books of all times! The writing is exquisite and thoughts profound. Her subtitle is A Dare to LIVE FULLY Right Where You Are. I am rereading it now and still find myself catching my breath in wonder.


Bonehoeffer by Eric Metaxas


If you are a history buff and want to better understand the church prior to WW 2 and the life of one of Christianity’s hero’s, Deitrich Bonehoffer, you will love this book. It is rich with history, with passion, and with the thoughts of a man who lived his life fully for Christ.


This Gorgeous Game by Donna Freitas


Every mother with a teenage daughter needs to read this book together and talk about it. It’s written for the adolescent or even preadolescent girl, but I loved it. A young girl wins a writing award and her prize is a year-long mentorship with a famous author who also happens to be a Catholic priest. The relationship begins to feel oppressive and Olivia is not sure whether to be flattered by her mentor’s attention or scared of his intrusiveness. How can she not be grateful? How can she say “no” to his demands? It’s about stalking, boundaries, inappropriate relationships and paying attention to your gut.

Grieving in the Holiday Season

Merry Christmas Friends,

Are you all ready for Christmas? Is the tree up and decorated, stockings hung, cookies baked, gifts bought, cards signed and sent, and presents all wrapped? I didn’t think so. But if there is such a person out there who has all this done, please share your magic secrets with the rest of us who are scrambling. From the responses, I will draw one person’s name (there is probably only one) for a free copy of my book, Lord, I Just Want to be Happy.

For the great majority of us, it’s probably best to accept that we won’t get it all done unless we forgo sleeping. Please don’t do that. Instead of trying to get it all done, take some time for yourself and enjoy the music, the beauty of the season, and the Lord.

I was meditating on Sara Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, which is a favorite for many of us. She writes for December 16th, “I speak in the language of Love; My words fill you with Life and Peace, Joy and Hope. I desire to talk with all of my children, but many are too busy to listen.”

Is this YOU? Are you too busy to listen? There is a huge difference between hearing something and truly listening. I’ve heard Christmas carols for weeks now, but I haven’t listened to them. I haven’t pondered their words, or felt their melody. They’ve been nothing more than background filler. They haven’t touched my heart.

I wonder if that’s what God’s Word becomes for many of us. We hear, but we don’t listen. We know the words, but they fail to move us. They don’t really change our heart.

God’s Word is meant to move us, to heal us, and to change us. The psalmist declares “He sent forth his Word and healed them.” (Psalm 107:20). And John writes, the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. And even then, we didn’t listen (John 1:10, 11).

Are you lacking hope, joy and peace even in this most joyous of seasons? Perhaps it’s because you’re not listening. You hear, but you don’t believe. The apostle Paul prays, “May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)

This Christmas, ask God for the gift of faith, so that you will be able to hear and listen to Jesus speaking his language of love to you personally.

Today’s Question: I am a widow of over four years. My husband was the love of my life. We met when I was 16 and married at 18. We had our struggles, but we loved each other deeply. We have two daughters. One was having our grandchildren, so we moved out to be near her. We built our dream home. I got transferred. My husband sold his business and started a new one at our new location, but then he developed panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. He went to the doctor, was prescribed antidepressant medication, but five days later he shot himself. My life forever changed. I have never known such pain, and for years I wanted to die too. I am doing better, but the sadness is always with me. Will this ever go away? I go on, despite my feelings, and do the best I can do to make my life.

I loved being married. I miss all the things that went with being married. I’ve been in counseling. I meditate and try to live for today and don’t look back, but it’s not easy. I still miss what I had. I remember all the cards that said your memories bring you comfort, but that’s not true. They only bring pain of what I had and don’t have now. Any suggestions?

Answer: I chose your question for this week because for so many people the holidays are not a happy time. They are filled with suffering and loss and other challenges that feel like they will go on forever. I’m so sorry for your pain. Losing a loved one is very difficult, but when it is also suicide, it is especially devastating.

There is no time table for grief. I imagine that you hear you should be “over it” by now. But for many, they don’t really get over it. They just move through it, and sometimes it takes a long time to get to the other side where they find themselves able to enjoy life again. Sadly, your husband wasn’t able to hope for a future that was different than his present. That’s why he felt desperate enough to end his life. It’s important that you remember that no matter how difficult your present is, God has a plan for your life, a plan with a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I recently read a powerful book called The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn. It chronicles the story of two families, Michael Spehn and Gina Spell, who each lost a spouse too young. Gina’s husband died Christmas day leaving her alone with two young boys. Michael’s wife died unexpectedly from a brain tumor. Nether Michael nor Gina minimize the loss and grief they suffered, but they also share the story of a future and a sense of purpose in what God is doing in the midst of their suffering. You may find it encouraging for you this season. Finding purpose in your suffering is one way we move through and deal with tragedy in a healthier way.

Another book that I found very helpful is Ann VosKamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts. She doesn’t pretend life is easy, but she powerfully reminds us that whatever happens, God is good and that one way we can chase out our negative feelings is to learn to give thanks in all things.

My good friend Georgia Shaffer, who is a Life Coach, wrote a newsletter this month on dealing with the holidays when you’re not so happy. I found her suggestions helpful; perhaps you will too. Georgia’s resources can be found at www.georgiashaffer.com.

Georgia writes:

It's that time of year when television commercials and magazine advertisements overflow with what seem like only bright, happy faces. But what if you are filled with a sense of loss, uncertainty, or dread? What if you are feeling discouraged or hopeless?

Unfortunately, the holidays accentuate those feelings. Whether you are facing the loss of income, lifestyle, health, relationships or a long-held dream, the holidays can be a painful reminder of what once was and no longer is. Although there are no quick fixes, here are a few suggestions:

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Recognize that the time of sorrow may coincide with the holiday season. Be willing to accept your sadness, disappointment, or anger rather than struggle and fight with it. Along with your holiday activities, give yourself time to process your pain. Allow yourself the space to reminisce, cry or journal your thoughts and feelings.

Let go of some old traditions.
Reduced energy accompanies loss and sadness. Be gentle with yourself and realize that your Thanksgiving and Christmas this year may not meet the American holiday dream. What is most important to you? You may choose to focus on meeting the needs of your family rather than baking dozens of cookies for friends and relatives. Next year you may have the strength to resume that tradition.

Develop new traditions.
If the sadness results from death or divorce, your significant other will no longer be part of the holidays. What new traditions can you establish? Reaching out to others helps to take the focus off your circumstances. Delivering flowers to a nursing home or calling someone who is alone often causes your problems to shrink.

Accept help and support.
Although most of us prefer to give help rather than receive it, sometimes it becomes necessary to accept emotional or physical support. Rest in the knowledge that God will provide for your needs and remember that in time, like winter, the season of sorrow will end.

Lastly, I’d encourage you to find a grief support group such as Grief Share that will give you the added support you still need. Sometimes we fear tiring out our friends with our sadness and therefore end up faking it a lot. Who knows better what you’re going through than other people who have also suffered a deep loss?

Even though it’s been four years, when you allow God to use you in the most tender areas of your own pain, you will begin to feel that sense of purpose and aliveness that you have lost with the death of your husband and loss of your marriage and future together. You still have a future and so ask God to show it to you.

Friends, especially those of you who may also have lost a loved one, what other resources, advice, or help can you offer this dear woman?

How Do I Handle My Husband's Defensiveness?

Good morning friends,

This is my 150th weekly blog. I can’t believe I’ve been writing these for three years. To celebrate you, I am going to give the first five (5) people who respond to this blog, a free copy of your choice of any book, CD or DVD in my current inventory. I want you to respond with some suggestions to help the person who is asking the question in this blog, “How can I respond to my husband’s defensiveness?”

So give her some suggestions, and then e-mail me at leslie@leslievernick.com with your snail mail address and what book or CD or DVD you’d like. We will sign it and send it off to you as my thank you gift for being such a great community.

I am back home now after a week in Florida, refreshed and rested, ready to begin writing my new book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. This next year I will be focused on this topic, especially in this blog, and I’m looking forward to your feedback as I write.

If you have questions that you wish were answered in this new book, please send them to me at leslie@leslievernick.com. As I am able, I will answer some of them in this blog throughout the year so you will actually have a sneak preview of the book to come. Also, please forward this blog to anyone else who you think might benefit from having some practical and biblical answers to marriage’s most difficult dilemmas. We will be having some contests and free give-a-ways throughout the year to keep it interesting.

And just a few more newsy items:

My December newsletter will be out Tuesday and it’s on a lesson God showed me this past week, called The Gift of the Sand Dollar. You won’t want to miss it. If you haven’t signed up yet, go to my website home page and sign up. It’s not too late.

For those of you who are e-reader fans or will be receiving an E-Reader such as Kindle or Nook for Christmas, my current book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship will be offered at a special discounted price of $2.99 from 12/22 to 1/3 only. It will be available for Kindle, Nook, Kobo and Sony Readers.

In the new year, I will be doing some free webinars on various topics. The first one will be in January and will answer the question, Does God want me to be Happy? One of the things I’ve really recognized this year is that people struggle with issues about being happy. This is a huge challenge and I’ve decided to do something about it.

So e-mail me and let me know what struggles you are having that prevent you from being happy or experiencing the joy, peace and love God desires for you.

Today’s Question: Whenever I say or do anything, my husband’s immediate reaction is defensiveness. For example, on Sunday I did two loads of laundry, we went to church, when we got back we ate lunch and I did the noon dishes (washed them)…I went for a walk, came back, took the recycle bins out of the van, put them in the garage, moved a wheel barrow that was still in the yard from Friday, took the laundry off the line and came in the house…dishes still in the same spot and our utility room floor needed sweeping. So I went to my husband who was watching football – and I just mentioned this to him. “Do you know what would really turn me on and make me happy? If when I’m out for a walk or when I’m running errands for you to take care of some things for me…like doing the dishes or sweeping the floor…”

Instead of a kind response like, “Oh I’m sorry. Did you want me to do that for you?” His response was the following. “You KNEW I liked football when you married me…huff…why are you making such a big deal…nothing is ever good enough for you…”

This is how he responds to everything I say or do. I feel I can’t do or say anything right in our relationship without a negative, belittling, blaming response…

He knows that when he responds to me this way it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.

What do you suggest short of hitting him over the head with a bat or getting a divorce--neither one are good options.

Answer: Before I even attempt to answer this, I want to invite you, my readers--both men and women--to chime in here and help this woman understand why her husband may be defensive and to give her other suggestions that will help their communication style. I’m sure she’s not alone in this merry-go-round, and so let’s put our collective wisdom together to help them break this cycle. Remember, the first five people who respond, receive their choice of a free book, CD or DVD.

First, let me say that most people (men and women) get defensive when they fear they are being criticized. Whether you are saying it nicely or not, you’re husband’s statements to you indicate that he feels you think he’s regularly letting you down and not measuring up to your expectations of a good husband.

As I’ve said many times in my writing, the only person you can change is you, so let’s begin by looking at what kinds of things you can do differently.

You wrote, “He knows that when he responds to me this way, it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.”

You can start breaking the cycle by asking yourself what’s your part of making things worse? You said, “He keeps doing it,” but you didn’t mention what your part is of making things worse. So begin by examining whether or not your negative statements, your “I statements” about what you’re unhappy about with him outweigh your positive statements to him. In any relationship when our negative statements are more frequent than our positive statements, it deteriorates.

Sometimes we believe that if we use “I statements”, they should always be taken positively. Let me give you a few examples of “I statements” and “you statements” that both sound critical, or like “you’re not good enough.”

For example, “I’m so tired of doing everything myself” verses “You never help me around the house.” Both statements are critical, one is a more direct attack; the other more implied.

A more positive “I statement” is, “I’d really like you to help me today get the house straightened up. When would be a good time, because I know you like football.”

Here’s another example: “I feel hurt that you never finished cleaning the bathroom like you said you would” verses “You’re so irresponsible, you never finish anything you start.” Again, both are critical.

A more positive “I statement” would be, “I’d really like you to finish cleaning up the bathroom today. Is that going to be a problem?”

Second, when your husband reacts defensively to one of your comments, how do you make it worse? Are you overly emotional? Do you give him the silent treatment? Is there an endless argument? Is the rest of the day/evening ruined?

In your e-mail to me, you implied a few times that your husband feels you’re overreacting to things. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but ask yourself are your expectations realistic? In other words, it may not be unreasonable for you to wish or hope that your husband would jump up while you were out on a walk and notice what needs to be done around the house and do it for you while you were away, or even to apologize to you when you call him on it, but is it realistic to expect that knowing who your husband is? Perhaps you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and for him to fail you when you expect him to do things that he’s probably not going to do at least without you directly asking and perhaps even reminding him to do it.

Third, it seems like you’ve lost sight (as he has) of the bigger picture at stake. The problem is no longer whether or not he helps you or finishes the chores he says he’ll do and then doesn’t. The problem is that you can’t talk together in a way that feels good for him and good for you. Does that mean that you just keep quiet and accept that you will do 90% of the work while he watches football? Or that you divorce?

I hope not, but I think you might try to talk with him in an adult to adult way about how you can’t talk together about things without him getting defensive and you getting sad, critical, or angry. Describe what happens between the two of you when he finally says to you, “I should just leave.”

I wonder what would happen if you changed two things in your approach to your husband. First, instead of talking about his defensiveness or lack of follow-through or lack of help, ask him what he means when he says, “nothing is ever good enough for you.” You say this is his standard response, but instead of getting defensive yourself, what would happen if you stopped and said, “What do you mean? How do I tell you nothing is good enough?” And then just listen to what he says.

Second, I wonder what would happen if you didn’t do it all yourself, but instead made every effort to look for the positive things your husband does do and share that for a while, leaving off the negative comments. See if his mood toward you changes and his defensiveness lessens. If it does, then understand you may be part of the problem. If it doesn’t, then you may need to take other measures to talk about the health of your relationship and what it means that you can’t have a normal conversation without some sort of put down, or belittling remark.

Most of the men that I’ve talked with throughout the years in counseling are not monsters who don’t care about their wives and only want to live selfishly and self-centeredly. I’ve found most of them deeply want to make their wives happy and proud of them, but never quite know how to do it. As soon as they think they’ve succeeded in one area, the rules change and now there’s another area that they need to change or do better. Over time when this cycle continues, they begin to feel hopeless, like I will never make her happy or proud of me and they begin to get cynical, resentful and bitter.

Please hear me, I’m not saying you are to blame you for your husband’s defensiveness. As human beings we ARE defensive. But when we feel unsafe and attacked, it usually gets worse. So if you don’t want to hit your husband over the head with a baseball bat and you don’t want to divorce him, you must try a new approach. Don’t do everything yourself, but instead try encouraging him in the things he does right. That may motivate him to do those kinds of things more often. Give it some time and see what happens.

How To Stop Making Christmas Happen For Everyone

Good morning friends,

This week I am in Florida at a beautiful condo on the Gulf of Mexico that some friends of mine graciously let me use to rest, read, think, pray and write. I probably will have a little fun too. But beauty is so restorative to my soul. As I’ve said before, it’s essential to our spiritual and emotional well-being.

So instead of writing an answer to a new question today, I’m going to repeat an answer I gave to a woman last year who was feeling resentful that no one helped her with holiday preparations. I thought some of you might be feeling the same way and could use some of these tips NOW so that you don’t end up angry and exhausted after the holidays.

Today’s Question: I’m angry, hurt and tired. It seems like I’m the only one doing all the preparations for making our holiday a nice one. If it weren’t for me, we’d have no tree, no presents, no cookies, and no Christmas dinner. But it’s not only the holidays that I feel this way. I feel like I carry the entire responsibility for everyone’s life to go well. Am I being selfish that I want someone to care about me and my needs once in a while? Signed a burned out wife and mom

Answer: No you are not selfish for wanting someone to notice that you are a person and not just a machine that makes sure everything goes well for the people in your life. That said, I find many women in your exact predicament. You over-function which enables the other people in your life to under-function. That’s fine once in a while or when there is a specific crisis, but when that becomes “normal routine” for a family, marriage or even workplace, it can lead to disaster.

Let me explain. When you do all the preparations and carry all the responsibility, people begin to see you in that role and expect you will continue. The perks of over-functioning is that you get total control (which some people want and that’s why they do it all). However, most people get worn out over time and begin to feel resentful and unloved (which by your letter is happening now). If you start to balk or complain or get crabby, your family members look annoyed and wonder what is wrong with you? If you ask for help they either ignore you because they are used to you doing it all, or they give you such an attitude it’s just easier and more peaceful to do it all yourself.

When this happens in a marriage or family, it’s important for you to realize that it not only hurts you to carry the entire load, it hurts them not to help you. You are not doing anyone any favors by allowing them to think you can do it all while they relax on the couch watching television, sit in front of the computer playing games, or do their own fun things. It only enables selfishness to flourish and for your resentment and bitterness to grow-- a lose/lose pattern.

So how do we change this pattern? It starts with you. You have to be willing to relinquish control of everything and how things are going to be. Next, speak up to whoever your change will affect. Begin this dialogue by taking the entire responsibility for over-functioning (don’t blame your family) but state that you are no longer going to continue. Tell them that you are tired and starting to feel angry and resentful toward them and don’t want to have those negative feelings so YOU are going to change. You must be willing to let go of control of how it’s going to be and then spell out what you are no longer going to do specifically. For example you might say something like this:

Hey guys, I need to apologize for being so crabby lately. I think the reason I get that way is that I feel like I have to do everything in order to make it a nice Christmas for you all. But then it’s not a very nice Christmas when I get upset and resentful is it? So I’d like to simplify the decorating--I’m going to get an artificial tree so it’s not a hassle going out and cutting one down and I’m not going to bake anymore. It’s just too much work and I don’t want to feel resentful that you guys don’t want to chip in to help. I’m realizing that perhaps my expectations were too high and those things just aren’t important to you so I’m going to let them go.

Now, you HAVE to mean it if you say it. Here’s what will happen next. If those things are important to them and they do want a real tree or home baked cookies, then they can offer to take responsibility or help to make sure they happen. If they don’t, then you must LET THEM GO in order to demonstrate that you will not carry the entire load anymore. Until your husband or children experience the consequences when you stop over-functioning, they won’t begin to pick up the slack.

Here’s another example of a possible speak-up dialogue:

Honey, I’ve gotten burned out in the past with all the gift buying for everyone, so this year I’d like it if you took the responsibility for getting the gifts for your family. I don’t care what you get them but I don’t want to carry the entire load anymore. If you don’t want to do that, just let your family know that we won’t be exchanging gifts with them this year because I can’t do it all.

Many of you reading this are seeing lots of other areas where you over-function and allow your family to neglect carrying their own load of caring for themselves and caring about you. Please understand that God doesn’t want you to sacrifice yourself in order to allow someone else to be lazy or selfish.

The Bible says two things that at first glance appear to contradict one another but both are true. First, we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), and second, each person is to carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). Both teachings are true. We carry another’s burden when he or she is unable to carry his/her burdens alone. However, when we carry a load for someone who is perfectly capable of carrying it themselves, we enable that person to under-function and that hurts them. It allows them to stay lazy, dependent, selfish and self-absorbed. As C.S. Lewis so wisely wrote, “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

It’s not too late. It’s only December 5th. Delegate and let go and you enjoy the season for a change.

Topic: The Gift of Prayer

Happy Cyber Monday Friends,

I hope you’re not getting too stressed out already. The saddest thing about this wonderful season is that most of us don’t really enjoy it. We’re so busy trying to make it perfect for everyone else, that we are stressed out and crabby. Please don’t do that to yourself. You know you do have a choice.

I’ve been blogging about the gifts of love that we can give someone, especially when we don’t feel all warm and fuzzy toward him or her. In fact, we often feel the opposite. Jesus tells us to love our enemies, but actually doing it is a challenge.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve blogged about the different gifts of love that we can choose to give even when we don’t have any loving feelings. I’ve covered the gift of acceptance, the gift of truth, the gift of consequences, the gift of kindness and the gift of forgiveness.

Today I want to talk about the most powerful gift we can give someone who feels like an enemy. It’s the gift of prayer.

The bible tells us that Jesus continually intercedes for us. To be more like him, we must also learn to intercede for others. To intercede means to speak on another’s behalf or to plead his case.

Moses did this in Exodus 33 when God was about to destroy the Israelites for worshipping the golden calf. Interceding for someone who has hurt us is not easy. Much like an injured animal often attacks others, hurt people often hurt other people.

If your spouse or someone else is hurting you, I’m not suggesting that you continue to offer yourself to be bitten, but I am suggesting that you ask God to help you have his perspective and his compassion toward this individual, thereby empowering you to intercede on his or her behalf.

Prayer is one of the toughest disciplines, especially intercessory prayer, because it is so other-focused. Richard Foster, in his book Prayer, Finding the Heart’s True Home, writes, “By means of intercessory prayer God extends to each of us a personalized, hand-engraved invitation to become intimately involved in laboring for the well-being of others.” What better gift of love. We often pray about our enemy, but do we pray for our enemy?

I’m reminded of Samuel the prophet. After Saul had just made some pretty big mistakes, Samuel replies, “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you” (1 Samuel 12:23).

In my life, at times I have been so focused on praying for my own needs—whether material, physical or spiritual—that intercessory prayer gets tacked on at the end—if I have time. Yet, Jesus continually prays for us, and we are to be like him. We can give someone the gift of love by praying for him or her in the following ways:

•We can pray for his or her salvation.
•We can pray for his or her growth and spiritual maturity.
•We can pray that he or she gains wisdom and forsakes foolishness.
•We can pray for the conviction of God and the moral pressure of the Holy Spirit.
•We can pray for his or her eyes to be opened and to see the truth.
•We can pray that those who interact with our spouse (or other person) would speak truth to him or her.
•We can pray that our spouse (or other person) would desire to know God or know him better.
•We can pray that he or she would desire to be a better husband (wife) or father(mother).

Leanne Payne, in her book Restoring the Christian Soul, describes a process of praying for our enemies. In it, she concludes with instructions she received from the Lord regarding this matter. He told her to:

“Pray for the health, the wholeness, of your enemies. Pray for the salvaging of all that is good, beautiful, and true within them. I do a great work, one that will amaze you. Be at rest now from all that besets, offends, attacks—love, write, pray, live in peace in My Presence. Enter the timelessness of My joy and peace.”

James encourages us to stick with praying for our spouse or other person by reminding us that “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 4:16).

So friends, when you are at your wits end and you have no idea how to love this person, pray. That is the greatest gift you could give.

*Portions of this blog were from Chapter 9 of How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.