Q. I recently discovered that my husband has been not only viewing porn on the internet, but also “chatting” with multiple women. I even found e-mails where he refers to me as his “soon to be ex” and exchanged phone numbers, and talked about times to meet, etc.
When I confronted him, he swears that all of this is fantasy and that he has never done anything physical with these women. He says he is deeply sorry and will give this all up. But I don’t now what to think. How can I trust him again? How will I know if he is really sorry or just sorry for the moment? He has been very emotionally unavailable to me in the past and verbally abusive at times. But now he’s being very attentive. I don’t know how to respond. Help! Tammy in OK
A. First let me tell you how sorry I am that you have experienced this in your marriage. Internet pornography as well as chatting with the opposite sex is a huge temptation for men and women these days. (see blog post October 13, 2008 for my response to a women in bondage to pornography).
It is perfectly normal that you’re struggling to trust your husband. Once broken, trust in a relationship is difficult to rebuild and it takes time and effort. Your recent discovery isn’t the only problem in your marriage but it can be a wakeup call for your husband to work to change his ways.
I’m glad you’ve confronted him when you discovered the pornography and chatting. In order to invite further change in your marriage, you might want to add something along these lines:
“I appreciate that you want to work on restoring our marriage. I can see that you are trying and now doing some of the things that I’ve always wanted you to do (mention some specific ways you see him trying to win you back). However, my trust in who you are and what you say has been fractured and it will take time for you to rebuild it.
Right now, I can’t easily believe what you tell me and I’m not sure you really care about me and my feelings. When I’ve told you before that your emotional distancing and angry words hurt, you didn’t care because you didn’t change. Now you’ve disrespected me and our marriage vows by what you’ve been doing on the internet.
I am willing to work on restoring our marriage, but I am not willing to be disrespected and abused any longer. It would help me trust you if I saw you take some specific steps to set boundaries on your internet use, learn how to handle your temper and figure out why you’ve been emotionally unavailable to me.”
Then watch and wait. Don’t nag. See what he does. Jesus tells us to produce fruit in keeping with repentance (Matthew 3:8). Your husband will build trust as he shows you he is willing to do these things and takes the initiative to do them.
As your husband does his part, your battle will be to learn to trust him again. Your enemy here is not your spouse, but Satan, who wants to destroy you both. He will use every opportunity to taunt you with your husband’s sin. Don’t let him. In these moments, remind yourself of the positive things your husband is doing to earn back your trust.
Remember, honesty and accountability are the cornerstones for rebuilding trust, not perfection. However, if your husband does not make strong efforts in these areas, regaining marital trust is not possible.
Finally, consider attending a support group for wives whose husbands share similar problems. If you can’t locate one in your area, use the Internet to find one. Here are a few resources to get your started, Newlifepartners.org, PureIntimacy.org or Faithfulandtrueministries.com. Please know many women share your struggle. You are not alone.
If you’d like more information on how to initiate a difficult discussion with someone, please visit my home page at www.leslievernick.com and go to the Free Resources page.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
How can I know if I am Depressed?
Q. I’ve been reading your blog about depression but how do I know if I’m really depressed or just in a bad mood? Crystal in AL
A. For many of us, depression is a generic word we use to describe how we feel when we’re down in the dumps, stressed-out, overwhelmed, hurt, or sad. Many of us have bad days or even a bad couple of days, but then we start to feel better and our depressed mood passes.
Those who lean toward a melancholy temperament or struggle with bouts of depressed feelings for a few days may not be clinically depressed but still need to be mindful of taking good care of themselves lest they slip into a deeper depression.
Unfortunately, there are no blood tests to determine if you are depressed. However there is a general checklist of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual manifestations of depression that most physicians and mental healthy professionals would use to determine if a person is clinically depressed.
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Professionals consider many factors when making the diagnosis of clinical depression. Sometimes it isn’t easy to diagnose because there are other problems that can coexist with depression. For example, some women are depressed but don’t realize it because they also struggle with an anxiety disorder, drug or alcohol abuse, marital problems, or a physical illness that can mask a coexisting depression.
Some of the signs professionals look for to ascertain whether someone is depressed or not are how long the symptoms have persisted, how severe they are, and whether the person is having trouble functioning at home or at work. The presence of suicidal and/or self-destructive thoughts is a clear indicator of depression.
Some symptoms of depression are easier to notice than others. Some people describe feeling hopeless, sad, numb, or anxious. They find no pleasure in things they once enjoyed. Others say they can’t concentrate, make decisions, or think clearly.
If you’d like to take my free depression test go to my home page under "Latest News" and take the test. www.leslievernick.com
If you recognize several of the symptoms of depression in yourself, please make an appointment with your medical doctor for a checkup and evaluation in addition to seeing a Christian counselor. You may have one of several medical conditions that mimic the symptoms of depression and that medication will easily remedy.
One final piece of advice. Please don’t ignore your symptoms just because they aren’t disabling you yet. A sprained ankle is not as serious as a broken leg and a broken leg is not as serious as a severed one. But in each case, competent care is necessary to maximize healing and minimize long term complications.
For more help in learning how to fight depression see my new book Defeating Depression.
A. For many of us, depression is a generic word we use to describe how we feel when we’re down in the dumps, stressed-out, overwhelmed, hurt, or sad. Many of us have bad days or even a bad couple of days, but then we start to feel better and our depressed mood passes.
Those who lean toward a melancholy temperament or struggle with bouts of depressed feelings for a few days may not be clinically depressed but still need to be mindful of taking good care of themselves lest they slip into a deeper depression.
Unfortunately, there are no blood tests to determine if you are depressed. However there is a general checklist of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual manifestations of depression that most physicians and mental healthy professionals would use to determine if a person is clinically depressed.
.
Professionals consider many factors when making the diagnosis of clinical depression. Sometimes it isn’t easy to diagnose because there are other problems that can coexist with depression. For example, some women are depressed but don’t realize it because they also struggle with an anxiety disorder, drug or alcohol abuse, marital problems, or a physical illness that can mask a coexisting depression.
Some of the signs professionals look for to ascertain whether someone is depressed or not are how long the symptoms have persisted, how severe they are, and whether the person is having trouble functioning at home or at work. The presence of suicidal and/or self-destructive thoughts is a clear indicator of depression.
Some symptoms of depression are easier to notice than others. Some people describe feeling hopeless, sad, numb, or anxious. They find no pleasure in things they once enjoyed. Others say they can’t concentrate, make decisions, or think clearly.
If you’d like to take my free depression test go to my home page under "Latest News" and take the test. www.leslievernick.com
If you recognize several of the symptoms of depression in yourself, please make an appointment with your medical doctor for a checkup and evaluation in addition to seeing a Christian counselor. You may have one of several medical conditions that mimic the symptoms of depression and that medication will easily remedy.
One final piece of advice. Please don’t ignore your symptoms just because they aren’t disabling you yet. A sprained ankle is not as serious as a broken leg and a broken leg is not as serious as a severed one. But in each case, competent care is necessary to maximize healing and minimize long term complications.
For more help in learning how to fight depression see my new book Defeating Depression.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Is it sinful to take antidepressant medication?
Q. I struggle with depression and feel guilty taking antidepressant medication. Some Christians say that depression is a sin problem. Others say it’s a disease. I’m so confused. Am I sinning by taking medication? Lori in IN
A. You are not alone. Many depressed people feel ambivalent about taking medication. They fear it means that they aren’t trusting God enough. But there is evidence in nature and in Scripture that God is not opposed to the use of medicine, and he created some plants to be used specifically for medicinal purposes. The Bible refers to a special balm in Gilead that was used to heal wounds (Jeremiah 8:22; 46:11). Wine and myrrh were mixed together as a painkiller (Mark 15:23), and a poultice of figs was heated and applied to boils (Isaiah 38:21).
The right medicine can be extremely helpful when your physical, emotional, and mental state are deteriorating and you are losing your ability to function. If you can’t sleep, if you can’t think, if you feel confused or totally numb, if you can’t get out of bed, if you can’t comb your hair, if you can’t make it to work, or if you can’t stop crying, you need to see a medical doctor and most likely need medication.
However, with that said understand that antidepressant medication (although a wonderful blessing for people) does not cure depression. It helps alleviate many of the debilitating symptoms of depression, which is a great start. But it’s important that in addition to feeling better, you do the work to actually get better.
It’s important that we understand that we are bodies and when our bodies aren’t working well, the rest of us doesn’t function well either. However, depression is more than just a physical disease. Let me give you an example.
My brother was recently diagnosed with coronary artery disease. He noticed some shooting pain down his arm during a golf game and paid attention enough to realize that something was wrong. After seeking medical attention he found out he would need to get stents to open up his clogged arteries. Everyone agreed he had coronary artery disease. But was that the end of the story? Not really.
The stents opened his arteries so that the pain stopped, but the stents did not address why he got coronary artery disease in the first place. Was there a family history of coronary heart disease? Was his diet healthy and did he participate in aerobic exercise? Was he a smoker? How did he handle his emotions, such as anger, and how did he deal with stress and relationship difficulties? These questions all shed light onto someone’s vulnerability to heart disease. For my brother to adequately deal with his heart problem, in addition to having his arteries opened, he must also examine his lifestyle and make changes where necessary. Medication and stents was only part of his solution. In order to get better, he must also address other issues that possibly caused his heart disease to begin with.
To defeat depression, medication may be one of the steps. But you must also look at your lifestyle and habits and how you deal with things (or don’t). Depression begins and grows out of a complex interplay between our bodies (biological factors), our minds (the way we think and look at things), our habits (our personality style and patterns we have developed for coping with people and life’s stresses), interpersonal factors (our relationships with others, past and present), and spiritual problems (sinful responses, faulty teaching or understanding regarding God and his character, and a loss of purpose or meaning to life).
My new book Defeating Depression will help you:
Make sense of the symptoms of depression and what causes them
Hold on to God more firmly and trust that he won’t abandon you
Listen to and grasp what your depression is revealing to you
Take specific steps to get better – and to grow stronger
Look forward to feeling normal again and enjoying the future
A. You are not alone. Many depressed people feel ambivalent about taking medication. They fear it means that they aren’t trusting God enough. But there is evidence in nature and in Scripture that God is not opposed to the use of medicine, and he created some plants to be used specifically for medicinal purposes. The Bible refers to a special balm in Gilead that was used to heal wounds (Jeremiah 8:22; 46:11). Wine and myrrh were mixed together as a painkiller (Mark 15:23), and a poultice of figs was heated and applied to boils (Isaiah 38:21).
The right medicine can be extremely helpful when your physical, emotional, and mental state are deteriorating and you are losing your ability to function. If you can’t sleep, if you can’t think, if you feel confused or totally numb, if you can’t get out of bed, if you can’t comb your hair, if you can’t make it to work, or if you can’t stop crying, you need to see a medical doctor and most likely need medication.
However, with that said understand that antidepressant medication (although a wonderful blessing for people) does not cure depression. It helps alleviate many of the debilitating symptoms of depression, which is a great start. But it’s important that in addition to feeling better, you do the work to actually get better.
It’s important that we understand that we are bodies and when our bodies aren’t working well, the rest of us doesn’t function well either. However, depression is more than just a physical disease. Let me give you an example.
My brother was recently diagnosed with coronary artery disease. He noticed some shooting pain down his arm during a golf game and paid attention enough to realize that something was wrong. After seeking medical attention he found out he would need to get stents to open up his clogged arteries. Everyone agreed he had coronary artery disease. But was that the end of the story? Not really.
The stents opened his arteries so that the pain stopped, but the stents did not address why he got coronary artery disease in the first place. Was there a family history of coronary heart disease? Was his diet healthy and did he participate in aerobic exercise? Was he a smoker? How did he handle his emotions, such as anger, and how did he deal with stress and relationship difficulties? These questions all shed light onto someone’s vulnerability to heart disease. For my brother to adequately deal with his heart problem, in addition to having his arteries opened, he must also examine his lifestyle and make changes where necessary. Medication and stents was only part of his solution. In order to get better, he must also address other issues that possibly caused his heart disease to begin with.
To defeat depression, medication may be one of the steps. But you must also look at your lifestyle and habits and how you deal with things (or don’t). Depression begins and grows out of a complex interplay between our bodies (biological factors), our minds (the way we think and look at things), our habits (our personality style and patterns we have developed for coping with people and life’s stresses), interpersonal factors (our relationships with others, past and present), and spiritual problems (sinful responses, faulty teaching or understanding regarding God and his character, and a loss of purpose or meaning to life).
My new book Defeating Depression will help you:
Make sense of the symptoms of depression and what causes them
Hold on to God more firmly and trust that he won’t abandon you
Listen to and grasp what your depression is revealing to you
Take specific steps to get better – and to grow stronger
Look forward to feeling normal again and enjoying the future
You will find it on my website at www.cart.leslievernick.com/category/books/
Monday, January 5, 2009
Getting Over Winter Blues
Q. Christmas is over. The weather is grey and I haven’t seen the sunshine in over a week. I know I’m supposed to be joyful and thankful but I just don’t feel it. What can I do to feel better when I’m feeling blue? Abby in MA
A. You’re not alone. Many people experience the winter blues. There’s even a name for it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD for short. SAD is related to a lack of sunlight and an associated buildup of the sleep hormone, melatonin. Women are more prone to SAD than men are, and the most effective treatment is light therapy to simulate sunlight. If a trip to the Bahamas isn’t in the near future, make sure you get yourself out in the sunshine as much as possible, even if you just sit in front a sunny window. Regular exercise helps as well eating healthy. Remember, we are bodies. When our body doesn’t feel good (whether we’re sick, tired, hungry or lacking enough sunshine) our mood is affected. You cannot just will away negative feelings.
That said, you ask an important question. Can we change our feelings? God has created us with emotions and his commands to be joyful and thankful aren’t just intellectual exercises. He wants us to feel them. But how do we actually feel thankful and joyful when in reality, we’re feeling quite the opposite?
The first step is to look at what we are feeling and why and try to remedy it. Denial of our negative feelings is not the solution to upsetting emotions. In the physical realm, if I’m standing on a tack, ignoring my feelings or pretending to feel happy while in pain is foolish. It would be wiser to pay attention to the pain in my foot and see what the problem is.
On the other hand, complaining about my painful foot without taking action to remove the tack would also be foolish. Many times we are upset or angry or sad about something, but we are too afraid to speak up or to take action on our own behalf. We feel guilty, like it’s selfish to do so. However, it isn't wrong to take care of yourself, it is being a good steward.
However, the truth is we cannot fix everything that is wrong in our life. Sometimes we’re in an unhappy marriage or job and for now, that’s just the way it is. Most of us face some discomfort or pain. Therefore how do we feel thankful and joyful while in the midst?
Let me share with you a few things to try. First, distract yourself for a bit from your problems or pain. Help someone else who has a specific need. Volunteer your time to a worthy cause. Do something fun. Cancer patients, for example, feel better while watching a funny movie or hugging their pet. The apostle Paul was well used to suffering but he counsels us instead of dwelling on what's wrong, to think on things that are true, good, right and lovely, for he knows that what we focus our mind on, affect s us emotionally (see Philippians 4:6-8 and Psalm 55:2). Intentionally look for things you can be thankful for during the winter blues or while in a difficult situation.
Second, practice the opposite virtue. In other words, if you’re feeling crabby or impatient, intentionally slow down and be generous and giving. If you're feeling angry or irritable, practice compassion and extend grace toward those who are irritating you. Now here is the catch. You have to want to. It does no good to fake it. You may not feel it at first, but you have to want to feel it.
Lastly but not least, tune into the practice of the Presence of God. God is always with us, but our awareness of him is lacking. If we were more aware of his presence, we would feel joyful for he tells us in his presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Look for God in the little things. Ask the Holy Spirit to open your spiritual eyes so that you may see how he helps you throughout your day. Those are things to be thankful for. Sadly, most of the time, we just don’t notice.
Be intentional about making these changes, even when you don’t feel like it. They can make a big difference.
A. You’re not alone. Many people experience the winter blues. There’s even a name for it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD for short. SAD is related to a lack of sunlight and an associated buildup of the sleep hormone, melatonin. Women are more prone to SAD than men are, and the most effective treatment is light therapy to simulate sunlight. If a trip to the Bahamas isn’t in the near future, make sure you get yourself out in the sunshine as much as possible, even if you just sit in front a sunny window. Regular exercise helps as well eating healthy. Remember, we are bodies. When our body doesn’t feel good (whether we’re sick, tired, hungry or lacking enough sunshine) our mood is affected. You cannot just will away negative feelings.
That said, you ask an important question. Can we change our feelings? God has created us with emotions and his commands to be joyful and thankful aren’t just intellectual exercises. He wants us to feel them. But how do we actually feel thankful and joyful when in reality, we’re feeling quite the opposite?
The first step is to look at what we are feeling and why and try to remedy it. Denial of our negative feelings is not the solution to upsetting emotions. In the physical realm, if I’m standing on a tack, ignoring my feelings or pretending to feel happy while in pain is foolish. It would be wiser to pay attention to the pain in my foot and see what the problem is.
On the other hand, complaining about my painful foot without taking action to remove the tack would also be foolish. Many times we are upset or angry or sad about something, but we are too afraid to speak up or to take action on our own behalf. We feel guilty, like it’s selfish to do so. However, it isn't wrong to take care of yourself, it is being a good steward.
However, the truth is we cannot fix everything that is wrong in our life. Sometimes we’re in an unhappy marriage or job and for now, that’s just the way it is. Most of us face some discomfort or pain. Therefore how do we feel thankful and joyful while in the midst?
Let me share with you a few things to try. First, distract yourself for a bit from your problems or pain. Help someone else who has a specific need. Volunteer your time to a worthy cause. Do something fun. Cancer patients, for example, feel better while watching a funny movie or hugging their pet. The apostle Paul was well used to suffering but he counsels us instead of dwelling on what's wrong, to think on things that are true, good, right and lovely, for he knows that what we focus our mind on, affect s us emotionally (see Philippians 4:6-8 and Psalm 55:2). Intentionally look for things you can be thankful for during the winter blues or while in a difficult situation.
Second, practice the opposite virtue. In other words, if you’re feeling crabby or impatient, intentionally slow down and be generous and giving. If you're feeling angry or irritable, practice compassion and extend grace toward those who are irritating you. Now here is the catch. You have to want to. It does no good to fake it. You may not feel it at first, but you have to want to feel it.
Lastly but not least, tune into the practice of the Presence of God. God is always with us, but our awareness of him is lacking. If we were more aware of his presence, we would feel joyful for he tells us in his presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). Look for God in the little things. Ask the Holy Spirit to open your spiritual eyes so that you may see how he helps you throughout your day. Those are things to be thankful for. Sadly, most of the time, we just don’t notice.
Be intentional about making these changes, even when you don’t feel like it. They can make a big difference.
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