How can I tell if my daughter's boyfriend is abusing her?

Q. My 16 year old daughter is dating someone and I’m concerned that it’s not a healthy relationship. He calls all the time and seems very possessive and jealous. She seems as obsessed with him as he is with her but I’m worried. How will I know if she is being mistreated or abused and how do I help her Worried Mom in IN

A. You’re right to be concerned. Recently the news media highlighted a very real problem of dating violence by singer Chris Brown toward his girlfriend Rihanna. Talking about this would be a good opportunity for parents to educate their teens about dating violence. For example,

40% of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend

Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if the couple were to break up

1 in 3 teenage girls has feared for her safety in a dating relationship

It’s important that parents as well as teenagers understand what a healthy relationship looks like and to be able to identify the first signs that the dating relationship may be unhealthy and potentially abusive.

People usually put their best foot forward in dating relationships. Therefore it’s not always easy to tell whether or not a relationship is healthy. The three essential ingredients for any relationship to flourish are mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. So often a young girl is totally swept off her feet by an intense young man’s obsessive love for her. It feels so intoxicating that she believes it is true love. But over time it feels smothering and can become abusive.

It’s important to teach your daughter how to say “no” and to be willing to say “no” early in the relationship. This will help her see how she is respected and cared for. She needs to pay attention to what happens when she says “no” or don’t want to do something her boyfriend wants her to do. Is there respect? Does he care about what’s important to her or is it all about making him happy and doing what he wants? Is she free to express her differences as well as her own thoughts and feelings without fear? Answering these simple questions can give you both a good read as to the health of the relationship even after only a few dates.

With that said, the following are some additional warning signs that your daughter’s boyfriend may be abusive.

His description of his parents’ - especially his father’s rejecting or shaming behavior.
His recollections of physical assault directed at him or at his mother.
His personality indicators such as frequent anger and jealousy or an intense fear of abandonment.
His trauma symptoms, such as constant sleep disturbances and nightmares, memory losses for specific events, panic attacks, crying, and depression.
His alcohol or drug abuse to numb himself to his internal pain.
His blaming orientation. Does he hold her responsible for his actions or feelings? Does he insist that everything is always her fault?
His cyclical mood swings that seem to have nothing to do with her but incorporate a theme of her being all good or all bad – you’re wonderful or terrible.

If you suspect your daughter or someone you know is being abused, ask her to ask herself the following questions:

Does he seem like two people, showing one face to his friends and the public and another to you in private?
Does he go through a cycle of buildup, explosion, and contrition?
Has he been violent with you? Once? Twice? Have these been isolated events tied to a particular triggering situation, or does his abusiveness seem to occur for no apparent reason?
Is his physical attack accompanied by verbal assaults, such as calling you a bitch, cunt, whore, or slut?
Have there been circumstances (such as separations or jealousies) that might have triggered the violence? How did he act?
Have you ever missed school or work from the effects of abuse?
Have you ever used makeup or dark glasses to hide bruises, or have you covered up by making excuses to a teacher or friend for injuries sustained during an attack?

If she’s answered yes to any of these questions, she may need some professional help to break free from the abuse. Here are some websites to go to for additional help and information. Don’t ignore these warning signs. Your daughter is at risk and she needs your help. You can also take my free test, Are You In A Destructive Relationship at www.leslievernick.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800 799 7233 www.faithtrustinstitute.org www.focusministries1.org www.peaceandsafety.com

Help! My daughter-in-law hates me

For those who regularly look for my Monday update, please accept my apologies. I’m on vacation and don’t have easy access to a wireless system to update my blog. Today was my earliest opportunity.

Q. My daughter-in-law was offended by something I did (I’m not even sure what it was) while she was dating my son. They have now been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful girls. But she still will not have anything to do with me. She will bring the girls over to visit, but won’t speak to me. Holiday’s are terrible because I can’t have my son’s family over because she won’t come. I have tried to speak with my son but he defends his wife. What can I do? Kathi in FL

A. Family strife and relationship turmoil is one of the leading contributors to feeling unhappy. It is so painful to have ongoing tension within one’s family with no resolution in sight. With that said, let me give you a few things to think about and to try.

First pray about the situation, as I’m sure you have done already. Ask God specifically to soften your daughter-in-law’s heart so that she would be willing to forgive. Also pray and ask God to show you specifically your sin against her. Perhaps you didn’t think you did anything wrong at the time or you didn’t see it as a big deal but apparently she has taken great offense to what you did and is not able to let it go.

Instead of putting your son in the middle of things, you need to talk directly to your daughter-in-law. For 10 years she has harbored this hurt and it has turned to bitterness. Unfortunately a lot of time has passed by. During all these years has she ever heard directly from you, “How can I make this better between us?” or “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”

Often what is needed for someone to let go of an offense is a sincere, heart-felt apology. Your daughter-in-law may believe that you love your son and your granddaughters, but that you have not shown much care for her as a person. Whether or not that’s true isn’t the issue. Right now you’re dealing with her feelings, not actual facts. If you argue with her, defend yourself, or dispute the past, you will continue more turmoil and conflict. What you want to change is how she feels about you. You will not do that by proving you’re right and she’s wrong, or that she’s crazy or too sensitive or overreacting. You will have the best shot at a change in your relationship with her by demonstrating faithfulness, humility and love.

Next time she drops off the children, smile at her and say, “Thank you for allowing me to spend time with the children. I really appreciate it.” Say good things to your grandchildren about their mother. Perhaps make a meal with the grandchildren and send it home with them for their family to enjoy later. Don’t forget your daughter-in-law’s birthday, their anniversary, and other special occasions. Be sincere and continue to invite her into a dialogue and into a relationship.

God calls us to be ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18) and peacemakers. He tells us that as much as it depends on us, to be at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). That doesn’t mean we can have peace with everyone all the time, but it is our privilege and responsibility to initiate it as much and as often as we can.

Don’t lose heart and keep your own spirit free from bitterness if she doesn’t respond right away. Love is a powerful force and if you can continue to love her without expectations or demands, hopefully she will see your remorse over hurting her in the past and be willing to forgive and reconcile.

My Husband and Grown Kids Verbally Abuse Me. Help

Q. My family consist of my husband and 4 kids ages 33,29,21 and 16. The 33 yr old daughter, 21 year old son and the 16year old son are all at home. The verbal abuse coming from all directions is just too much to bear. I know that there are two sides to every story, but I tell you, the name calling and the disrespect is too much. I can’t do this much longer. What can I do?


A. I’m sorry to hear that you live in a warzone. This is very toxic to your physical, emotional and spiritual health. When you say that you can’t do this much longer I’m assuming you mean you can’t continue to endure this treatment much longer. Good. That will give you the strength to make some drastic changes.


I know there are always two sides to every story. I don’t know fully either side, so I’m going to give you (and my readers) some general principles and steps to follow.


First, what’s your part? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way by your children? What kind of consequences have you implemented as their mother when they talked to you this way as they were growing up? Have they learned it’s acceptable to talk to you with disrespect and use abusive language?


Ask yourself why you’ve been willing to live like a prisoner in your own home? After you’ve done some of your own soul searching you first need to have a talk with your husband and then with your children. With your husband, start by saying something like this:


“I cannot live with all this abuse in our home anymore. I can’t stop you from treating me disrespectfully but I think the children feel it’s OK because you do it to me. I know I’m not perfect and may do things that aggravate you and them, but I will not tolerate any longer the verbal abuse and disrespect from you or the children. If they don’t stop I’m going to ask them to move out and I’d like your support. From now on, when you talk with me like that I’m going to go out for a while until you calm down. I’ll be back when you can talk with me constructively."

After you give him this warning, the first time he gets abusive, leave immediately. Call him from your cell phone and tell him that when he can calm down and talk respectfully you’ll be back. Drive around for an hour – go to a mall, go to a coffee shop and call back and ask if he’s calmed down and ready to talk respectfully to you. If not, stay out and do not return or call him until the next day. Soon he will learn that his anger get’s him nowhere and you won’t allow yourself to be a target for his fits of rage.

Before you have that conversation with your husband, make a plan just in case you need to spend the night somewhere. I don’t know your extended family situation or financial abilities, but make sure you have the things you need packed in your car so that you don’t have to return home if he's still in a rage.

With your grown children I might say something like this with a calm voice tone.

"I love you very much and have been willing to sacrifice many things to help you get on your feet so that you could get a good start in adulthood. But I will no longer sacrifice my health and well being. I am sick of being verbally abused (give specific examples) and I will no longer allow you to live in my home if you choose to talk to me in that way. If you don’t stop immediately, you will have to find another place to live."


Do not argue and do not back down. When they slip and start up with you, put your open palm up in the air like stop sign and stay “Stop it!” If they stop say “thank you,” and invite them to talk calmly to you about their concerns. If they continue abusing you, remind them of the consequence if they don't stop. If they still continue to abuse you, tell them they have 2 weeks to find a new place to live. And…you must stick with it.


With your 16 year old son you will say something similar but instead of telling him he will have to move out, implement different consequences. When chooses to talk with you that way, you will not allow him to use your car, or you will disconnect the computer, or cell phone, or whatever works to get him to understand that you mean business. You do this for 24 hours. Tell him that when he can talk respectfully for 24 hours, he gets his privileges back.

If your husband won’t cooperate with you in implementing these consequences for your children then the other option is for you to temporarily move out until the family understands you mean business.

That may sound drastic but it sounds like things are drastic. You will have to be firm on changing your part. No pleading, no arguing, just consequences. You cannot change your children or your husband. The only person you can change is you. But as you change, you are creating an atmosphere where it’s more likely that they will make better choices which would be good for you and good for your family.

Please read my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship for a more complete understanding on changing your part to affect relationship change.

Do I Love Myself Enough or Too Much?

Q. My counselor tells me I need to love myself more and need to improve my self esteem. The Bible says that I’m not to think too highly of myself. So which is it? Do I love myself enough or too much? Debbie in OR

A. That can be a trick question for many Christians. The Bible isn’t against loving ourselves. In fact it assumes it. For example when the apostle Paul tells husbands to love their lives as their own bodies (Ephesians 5:28) or when Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves (John 13:34), there is an assumption of natural self-love or concern for our own well-being that is common to all of us. Proverbs also tells us that he (or she) who acquires wisdom, loves his own soul (Proverbs 19:8).

However, as Christians we’ve often associated loving self with rampant selfishness and egocentricity which is clearly against what God’s word teaches. So let’s look at what biblical self-esteem and self-love would look like.

First, self esteem is the way we feel about ourselves, self image is the way we think about ourselves. Since our thoughts and feelings go together, if we think too highly of ourselves, we will have an inflated self-esteem. On the other hand, if we think too lowly of ourselves, we feel inferior and worthless. A healthy self-image is where you see yourself truthfully, as God sees you. That means that you see your beauty and your sins, and don’t only see one side of yourself. Some Christians get caught in only seeing their sinful side and forget that they are indeed a magnificent creation of God (Psalm 139) and that God has indeed put gifts and talents inside of them to be used to serve him and others. On the other hand, some people are quite blind to their sinful side and can be jealous, prideful, arrogant and judgmental and don’t even see how sinful those things are (Psalm 36:2).

When you love yourself too much, the focus of your life is on you, either how wonderful you are and how much you deserve, or on how miserable you are because life, people, or God aren’t giving you everything you think you should have. In contrast to these self-centered types of love, when you love yourself biblically here are three things you would do:

1. You would seek God as your highest priority. God says that he is our soul’s only true satisfaction (Psalm 21:6) and that following his ways lead to great joy (Psalm 19:8; 1 Peter 1:8).

2. You would seek God’s wisdom for your life. Proverbs tells us that those who fail to find wisdom, harm themselves (Proverbs 8:36). God says that his wisdom helps us see clearly through the world’s philosophies and Satan’s deceptions that may mislead us.

3. We will correct and discipline ourselves. At first this may seem counterintuitive. People think that when they love themselves then they can indulge themselves because they feel so special or entitled. Credit card debt, obesity, sexual promiscuity, pornography, drug abuse and alcoholism are at all time highs. Not only do we indulge our fleshly appetites, we also indulge our immature and sinful ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. We sulk in self-pity, throw temper tantrums when we don’t get our way, nurse angry and hatful thoughts and wallow in our morbid self-analysis.

The results of a self-indulgent psyche or lifestyle are not happiness and good self-esteem but bondage. When we indulge our sinful nature, we don’t feel better; we feel worse. God tells us one of the causes of self-hatred is ignoring discipline (Proverbs 15:32).

Disciplining ourselves doesn't mean we beat ourselve up for our failures, it means that we take corrective measures to stop doing negative and destructive things to ourselves and others.

So I can’t specifically answer your question on what your counselor meant, but by looking over these applications, evaluate where you are in loving yourself biblically and seeing yourself truthfully. Ask God to show you areas where you need to grow.
For more information on this whole topic, see my book How to Find Selfless Joy in a Me First World.