Q. My wife regularly tells me to “shut up”. I don’t like it and I’ve told her that I find it disrespectful but now she barely speaks to me. When I asked her why she isn’t talking she said she doesn’t want to be disrespectful but she was sarcastic when she said it. I don’t know how to break through this stalemate. Any suggestions? Mike
A. It’s good to get a question from a male reader. Whether we’re a man or a woman, we often have a difficult time seeing ourselves clearly when someone else gives us feedback on our attitude or behavior. Your wife may be feeling defensive or justifying herself that she didn’t really act disrespectfully. It may be that the words “shut up” were common responses in her family of origin and that she does not see them as disrespectful and believes you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
That does not diminish your feelings but I’m trying to explain what might be going on with your wife. But at this time, her pride is keeping her from hearing your feedback and humbling herself to correct the way she speaks to you.
If you’ve read my blog you know that I tell people that you can’t change other people. You can influence them, but the only one you can change is yourself. Therefore I’m going to give you some suggestions how you might turn this stalemate around so that communication between you and your wife improves.
Sometimes hard words are felt as harsh words. That does not mean you should have not told your wife your feelings, but it may mean you need to say how you feel differently so you have a greater likelihood of being heard and understood. Your goal isn’t to prove that she is disrespectful, your goal is to be understood and for your relationship to be safe and loving and respectful for both of you.
Whenever we need to confront someone, at least initially it’s usually easier for the person to receive our words if they’re spoken in love, with humility on our part. Galatians 6:1 says if we see someone caught in a sin, we’re to try to restore him or her in a spirit of humility and gentleness. When my husband has shared his feelings about something I’ve done with a tender attitude instead of being critical or judgmental I’ve been able to hear him much easier.
To turn things around, initiate a special date night with your wife. Go to dinner, a movie or take a walk. Enjoy the evening together and don’t bring up this issue. Then toward the end of the evening, tell her that you had a great time with her and that you want to be better friends. You want her to be able to be open and honest with you and you want to be honest and open with her. Ask her if she wants that too? Your tone and non-verbal language will be critical here to create an atmosphere of safety and openness. Then wait and listen to her response.
If she wants the same thing as you do, then ask if you can talk about what happened a few weeks ago that caused this distance in your relationship. If she is unwilling to talk or go out with you, then you have a much bigger problem than you indicated and you have more work to do to figure out why she has closed off her spirit toward you.
This may seem unfair that I’m recommending that you do this work since she is the one who wronged you. But if you don’t take the first step toward peacemaking and reconciliation, your relationship may not turn around anytime soon. Through your godly responses to her you may pave the way for an improved relationship. You cannot make your marriage great all by yourself, but you definitely can make it better than it is right now all by yourself. You will also find additional help in my book How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
My husband forces me to do sexual things I don't want to
Q. How should a wife handle a spouse that continually pressures her to use the f--- word during sex because it excites him. I’ve already told him lots of times I don’t like to do that. I was sexually abused as a child and I don’t feel that the f--- word is a positive word to bring into our sexual relationship. Also he wants oral sex from me and sometimes it’s OK but he pressures me every time, verbally and nonverbally, not letting up until I give in. Linda
A. You are not alone in feeling like your sexual relationship is one sided. You’re being treated like an object that is there to do what your husband wants with no consideration or respect for what you want or don’t want or what you find appealing or disgusting.
For those who have been regular visitors to this blog, what’s wrong with this picture? It is NOT a healthy relationship, sexually or otherwise. You are being disrespected and not cared about. This is painful when you are married to such a person and presents quite a dilemma for a Christian wife who wants to honor God
However, despite what he and others may tell you, the bible doesn’t say that marriage is all about him and his needs. A healthy relationship requires mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. A healthy marriage is impossible without those 3 elements being practiced by both partners. That said, what can you do now that he doesn’t show caring or respect toward you?
You say you have already told him that you don’t like using the f--- word during sex and why. He still pressures you to say it because it excites him. You’ve told him that sometimes you don’t’ want to do oral sex but you also indicate that he disregards this and not only verbally pressures you, but you imply that he may force you as well.
It’s time to stand up against his abuse of you in your sexual relationship. Yes, a married person can be sexually abused . Biblically, it is not a spouse’s right to force you to do things that you don’t want to do just because he is your husband. Disrespecting your right to say no to certain practices that you find hurtful, sinful or unappealing is unloving and disrespectful. It’s time to stop protesting and to start confronting his disrespectful and unloving behavior.
Here is a sample Stand Up dialogue you need to have with him. Prepare it ahead of time and say it in a firm but neutral voice tone. Don’t wait until you’re having sexual relations to say this first part, but you may need to say it again if he continues his disrespect, followed with specific action.
Here is an example of what you might say:
“Honey, we need to talk about something important, when is a good time?” When he agrees to have a conversation, start with this:
“I love you want to have a good marriage. I desire to have a healthy sexual relationship but I feel hurt and angry that you continue to disrespect me in the bedroom, pressuring me to say and do things that I do not want to do. Sex is not just about your feelings and needs but it’s about a loving interaction and I’m feeling used and abused.”
Then stop talking and wait for him to respond. If he minimizes you or makes fun of you, say “you’re doing it again right now. You’re disrespecting me and I won’t continue to let myself be treated that way.”
Then stop and wait for him to respond. If he gets mad and walks away, let him, but next time he pressures you to do any of the sexual things you don’t want to do, get up out of the bed and tell him firmly, “I told you I don’t want to do those things and I feel disrespected when you pressure me. I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”
If and when he apologizes, thank him for showing concern for your feelings but if he reverts to the pressure tactics during sex, reinforce your boundaries by getting up and leaving the bedroom. Hopefully he will soon learn that pressuring you doesn’t work anymore and it only makes things worse.
As I’ve said repeatedly, you can’t change your spouse, but you can change how you respond and what you do. And, when you change, things change. I pray that things change for the better in your marriage.
A. You are not alone in feeling like your sexual relationship is one sided. You’re being treated like an object that is there to do what your husband wants with no consideration or respect for what you want or don’t want or what you find appealing or disgusting.
For those who have been regular visitors to this blog, what’s wrong with this picture? It is NOT a healthy relationship, sexually or otherwise. You are being disrespected and not cared about. This is painful when you are married to such a person and presents quite a dilemma for a Christian wife who wants to honor God
However, despite what he and others may tell you, the bible doesn’t say that marriage is all about him and his needs. A healthy relationship requires mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. A healthy marriage is impossible without those 3 elements being practiced by both partners. That said, what can you do now that he doesn’t show caring or respect toward you?
You say you have already told him that you don’t like using the f--- word during sex and why. He still pressures you to say it because it excites him. You’ve told him that sometimes you don’t’ want to do oral sex but you also indicate that he disregards this and not only verbally pressures you, but you imply that he may force you as well.
It’s time to stand up against his abuse of you in your sexual relationship. Yes, a married person can be sexually abused . Biblically, it is not a spouse’s right to force you to do things that you don’t want to do just because he is your husband. Disrespecting your right to say no to certain practices that you find hurtful, sinful or unappealing is unloving and disrespectful. It’s time to stop protesting and to start confronting his disrespectful and unloving behavior.
Here is a sample Stand Up dialogue you need to have with him. Prepare it ahead of time and say it in a firm but neutral voice tone. Don’t wait until you’re having sexual relations to say this first part, but you may need to say it again if he continues his disrespect, followed with specific action.
Here is an example of what you might say:
“Honey, we need to talk about something important, when is a good time?” When he agrees to have a conversation, start with this:
“I love you want to have a good marriage. I desire to have a healthy sexual relationship but I feel hurt and angry that you continue to disrespect me in the bedroom, pressuring me to say and do things that I do not want to do. Sex is not just about your feelings and needs but it’s about a loving interaction and I’m feeling used and abused.”
Then stop talking and wait for him to respond. If he minimizes you or makes fun of you, say “you’re doing it again right now. You’re disrespecting me and I won’t continue to let myself be treated that way.”
Then stop and wait for him to respond. If he gets mad and walks away, let him, but next time he pressures you to do any of the sexual things you don’t want to do, get up out of the bed and tell him firmly, “I told you I don’t want to do those things and I feel disrespected when you pressure me. I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”
If and when he apologizes, thank him for showing concern for your feelings but if he reverts to the pressure tactics during sex, reinforce your boundaries by getting up and leaving the bedroom. Hopefully he will soon learn that pressuring you doesn’t work anymore and it only makes things worse.
As I’ve said repeatedly, you can’t change your spouse, but you can change how you respond and what you do. And, when you change, things change. I pray that things change for the better in your marriage.
Monday, March 9, 2009
My huband is a chronic liar. What can I do?
Q. I am a 39 year old wife and mother of 3 children with one on the way. My husband repeatedly lies to me and waits for me to find out, confront him, and finally admits then acts as if nothing happened. I have been married for 15 years and am at the end of my rope with this regular event. How do I handle this? We were in counseling for a few months last year and he lied to the counselor repeatedly which served no good purpose, so we ended it. Any advice you can offer would be most appreciated. Molly
A. As I say in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you. So the only thing you can do is to ask yourself is what’s going on with you? You have been married to this man for 15 years. You say this is repetitive and he is unrepentant, meaning he is unwilling to get help for his problem. Even in counseling he is lying. So my advice to you is to ask yourself what is your problem here and what are you going to do about your problem.
Let me explain. Your husband has a problem in that he lies and is a liar. That is not your problem but you keep trying to fix his problem. The difficulty with that is that you can’t fix another person’s problem. The only person you can work on is you. So therefore you need to ask yourself what is your problem?
Your problem as I read it is you don’t’ like living like this. You don’t like being married to a man who you don’t trust and who doesn’t tell you the truth. You don’t like the fact that he is unwilling to change or work on his problem. You don’t like playing detective or mommy to catch him in his lies. So what are you going to do about your problem?
Without knowing the nature of the lies I cannot give you specific advice but I would encourage you to go to counseling yourself to figure out why you have continued trying to have a close relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you and doesn’t care that this habit hurts you and your marriage. Depending on the nature of his lies, you may also have to ask yourself why you are putting yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases or even having another child with a man who clearly is not invested in having a good relationship with you.
These questions may seem harsh but you say that you are at the end of your rope and don’t know how to handle this. How do you imagine a healthy woman would handle this? Don’t blame yourself for his behavior, but ask yourself why have you put yourself in the role of trying to control his behavior and why have been willing to put up with it for so long?
You don’t say whether or not your husband claims to be a believer, but you may need to enlist the help of your pastor to confront your husband. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” That means if he refuses to listen, the closeness of the relationship changes. It doesn’t mean you divorce him necessarily, but you don’t have the closeness of fellowship and intimacy with someone you don’t trust. I know that makes you sad, as it would any woman in your situation, but if you want to be healthy, you must live in truth and reality.
Remember, in the end, the only person you can work on is yourself. Get the help you need to respond to this situation in wisdom and strength, not fear and frustration.
A. As I say in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you. So the only thing you can do is to ask yourself is what’s going on with you? You have been married to this man for 15 years. You say this is repetitive and he is unrepentant, meaning he is unwilling to get help for his problem. Even in counseling he is lying. So my advice to you is to ask yourself what is your problem here and what are you going to do about your problem.
Let me explain. Your husband has a problem in that he lies and is a liar. That is not your problem but you keep trying to fix his problem. The difficulty with that is that you can’t fix another person’s problem. The only person you can work on is you. So therefore you need to ask yourself what is your problem?
Your problem as I read it is you don’t’ like living like this. You don’t like being married to a man who you don’t trust and who doesn’t tell you the truth. You don’t like the fact that he is unwilling to change or work on his problem. You don’t like playing detective or mommy to catch him in his lies. So what are you going to do about your problem?
Without knowing the nature of the lies I cannot give you specific advice but I would encourage you to go to counseling yourself to figure out why you have continued trying to have a close relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to you and doesn’t care that this habit hurts you and your marriage. Depending on the nature of his lies, you may also have to ask yourself why you are putting yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases or even having another child with a man who clearly is not invested in having a good relationship with you.
These questions may seem harsh but you say that you are at the end of your rope and don’t know how to handle this. How do you imagine a healthy woman would handle this? Don’t blame yourself for his behavior, but ask yourself why have you put yourself in the role of trying to control his behavior and why have been willing to put up with it for so long?
You don’t say whether or not your husband claims to be a believer, but you may need to enlist the help of your pastor to confront your husband. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” That means if he refuses to listen, the closeness of the relationship changes. It doesn’t mean you divorce him necessarily, but you don’t have the closeness of fellowship and intimacy with someone you don’t trust. I know that makes you sad, as it would any woman in your situation, but if you want to be healthy, you must live in truth and reality.
Remember, in the end, the only person you can work on is yourself. Get the help you need to respond to this situation in wisdom and strength, not fear and frustration.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Is God Good?
Q. My mother just died a long and painful death and last year my husband of 30 years walked out on me. I’m struggling as a Christian to believe that God is good when it feels like he doesn’t care and he doesn’t help. How can I get through this period of doubt? Cindy
A. First, let me tell you I’m very sorry for your losses. This is not an easy question for theologians to answer, let alone counselors. Entire books are written about it so let me just leave you with a few things to think and pray about.
First, it’s tempting to think that we only struggle with the question of God’s goodness when things go wrong in our lives. But Eve doubted God’s goodness even in the midst of Paradise. There was no suffering to tempt Eve to doubt God’s character and yet still she decided not to submit to God’s truth or trust his goodness when she ate the forbidden fruit. Don’t beat yourself up. Honest people acknowledge that they often struggle to believe God’s goodness toward them while they’re hurting.
Second, goodness is a moral question not a scientific one. Who gets to define what is good? When we judge God as not good we make our own view of things the highest authority. But what makes my judgment any truer than the next person’s? What if what I define as good, someone else sees as bad? Is there any absolute authority that teaches us how to view things or is everything seen through the eyes of our own perspective?
In his book, Systematic Theology, Dr. Wayne Grudem, wrote. “The goodness of God means that God is the final standard of good, and all that God is and does is worthy of approval.” But it’s not our approval that defines what good is, it is God’s approval. The Scriptures define and declare that God is good and that what he does is good. (For example, see Psalm 100:5; Psalm 106:1, Psalm 34:8; Psalm 119:68, Psalm 86:5, Naham 1:7.) Jesus also affirmed God’s goodness when he told the rich young ruler, “no one is good except God alone.” (Mark 10:18).
One of the things that helped me come to terms with God’s goodness during a painful loss in my own life was when I read these words, “God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all” (1 John 1:5 NLT). The apostle John declares that this is the message he heard from Jesus and that he is writing these things so that we might have joy (1 John 1:4). The psalmist said, “For you are not a God who delights in wickedness, evil may not dwell with you” (Psalm 5:4).
In my anger and pain, I was not only blaming God for doing bad things, I was accusing God of being evil. As I pondered John’s words about God’s character, I was forced to decide whose truth was true. If God is incapable of darkness, then God is incapable of evil. He is all good all the time. If that was true, then there had to be another reason God allowed my personal pain and suffering. There is a mystery to the Almighty that we cannot expect to grasp with our finite minds. Perhaps I would never know his purposes this side of eternity but would I trust that God knew, and that he was indeed good?
In the book Faith and Culture Devotional, John Eldredge refers to two main themes woven throughout scripture. “A major theme of hope, love, and life triumphant, and a minor theme of suffering, sorrow, and loss.” He says when people focus only on the major theme of scripture; we can sound insensitive and glib about the real hardships of those who hurt, promising them that God will work all things for good and that they can have victory in Jesus. He says, “The Christianity that talks only about hope, joy, and overcoming would be hollow, syrupy and shallow."
On the other hand, he cautions us that in modern culture’s quest for authenticity and transparency, the church has majored in the minor theme of brokenness and suffering. Although refreshingly honest and necessary, if that is all there is, where is our hope? Where is the abundant life that Jesus promises? Where is the resurrection, the redemption, the restoration and reconciliation themes of scripture? Eldredge concludes, “We must be honest about the minor theme, but we must keep it the minor theme.”
Remember, often when we look back through what we thought were the worst of times, God used them for great good. In the Old Testament story of Joseph, he was able to keep his joy, peace and hope alive in the midst of circumstantial hardship because he believed and trusted that God was good and therefore his purposes were always good (Genesis 50:20).
Proverbs reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Prov. 3:5,6)
A. First, let me tell you I’m very sorry for your losses. This is not an easy question for theologians to answer, let alone counselors. Entire books are written about it so let me just leave you with a few things to think and pray about.
First, it’s tempting to think that we only struggle with the question of God’s goodness when things go wrong in our lives. But Eve doubted God’s goodness even in the midst of Paradise. There was no suffering to tempt Eve to doubt God’s character and yet still she decided not to submit to God’s truth or trust his goodness when she ate the forbidden fruit. Don’t beat yourself up. Honest people acknowledge that they often struggle to believe God’s goodness toward them while they’re hurting.
Second, goodness is a moral question not a scientific one. Who gets to define what is good? When we judge God as not good we make our own view of things the highest authority. But what makes my judgment any truer than the next person’s? What if what I define as good, someone else sees as bad? Is there any absolute authority that teaches us how to view things or is everything seen through the eyes of our own perspective?
In his book, Systematic Theology, Dr. Wayne Grudem, wrote. “The goodness of God means that God is the final standard of good, and all that God is and does is worthy of approval.” But it’s not our approval that defines what good is, it is God’s approval. The Scriptures define and declare that God is good and that what he does is good. (For example, see Psalm 100:5; Psalm 106:1, Psalm 34:8; Psalm 119:68, Psalm 86:5, Naham 1:7.) Jesus also affirmed God’s goodness when he told the rich young ruler, “no one is good except God alone.” (Mark 10:18).
One of the things that helped me come to terms with God’s goodness during a painful loss in my own life was when I read these words, “God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all” (1 John 1:5 NLT). The apostle John declares that this is the message he heard from Jesus and that he is writing these things so that we might have joy (1 John 1:4). The psalmist said, “For you are not a God who delights in wickedness, evil may not dwell with you” (Psalm 5:4).
In my anger and pain, I was not only blaming God for doing bad things, I was accusing God of being evil. As I pondered John’s words about God’s character, I was forced to decide whose truth was true. If God is incapable of darkness, then God is incapable of evil. He is all good all the time. If that was true, then there had to be another reason God allowed my personal pain and suffering. There is a mystery to the Almighty that we cannot expect to grasp with our finite minds. Perhaps I would never know his purposes this side of eternity but would I trust that God knew, and that he was indeed good?
In the book Faith and Culture Devotional, John Eldredge refers to two main themes woven throughout scripture. “A major theme of hope, love, and life triumphant, and a minor theme of suffering, sorrow, and loss.” He says when people focus only on the major theme of scripture; we can sound insensitive and glib about the real hardships of those who hurt, promising them that God will work all things for good and that they can have victory in Jesus. He says, “The Christianity that talks only about hope, joy, and overcoming would be hollow, syrupy and shallow."
On the other hand, he cautions us that in modern culture’s quest for authenticity and transparency, the church has majored in the minor theme of brokenness and suffering. Although refreshingly honest and necessary, if that is all there is, where is our hope? Where is the abundant life that Jesus promises? Where is the resurrection, the redemption, the restoration and reconciliation themes of scripture? Eldredge concludes, “We must be honest about the minor theme, but we must keep it the minor theme.”
Remember, often when we look back through what we thought were the worst of times, God used them for great good. In the Old Testament story of Joseph, he was able to keep his joy, peace and hope alive in the midst of circumstantial hardship because he believed and trusted that God was good and therefore his purposes were always good (Genesis 50:20).
Proverbs reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. (Prov. 3:5,6)
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