Question: I have been married for over 10 years. I am African American and my husband is Caucasian. I have never been accepted by my husband’s parents, although they say they have tried. My husband has had problems with alcohol and drug addiction. When he is actively using, we have agreed that he would not live in our home. It is not good for our children to see, especially when he stays out for long periods of time.
What angers me is that my in-laws take him in. Although they are marriage mentors and have counseled many other parents not to enable their adult children, that’s exactly what they’re doing with my husband. I feel they do this because of their dislike for me and because he is their son. I feel that no matter what I do or how good I treat their son, all they see is my color. They say hurtful things to me like, I’ll be glad when he divorces you.” Later they apologize but I feel so hurt. I don’t know how to proceed. Please help.
Answer: You have two destructive relationships going on. The first one is with your husband, the second one is with your in-laws. Your question is really geared more to your hurt with your in-laws so I’m going to tackle that one.
You haven’t said what exactly you have done to communicate with your in-laws your concerns but I’m going to assume that you’ve already told them that taking in their son (your husband) when he is actively abusing drugs is not good for him or for your marriage. The goal of marital separation is to bring a wayward spouse to his or her senses in order to bring about repentance and reconciliation. When parents cushion the pain of separation by offering refuge, a safe and warm bed, meals and clean laundry, it doesn’t give a drug user a very big incentive to change his or her ways.
His parents already know that, you’ve indicated that they counsel others that way. So why are they not personally applying this hard medicine with their own son? You indicate that they may feel guilty for some past abuse that they did not stop. You also indicate that they may be doing it because they dislike you. Both may be a reason but you can’t fix them or even make them see it. The only person you can work on is you and how you handle this mistreatment.
My suggestion regarding this situation right now would be to invite a third person to help you navigate through this murky family dilemma. Do you attend the same church? Can you go to your pastor to explain the situation and ask for him to mediate your concerns with them? Perhaps they will hear their pastor where they cannot hear you.
I hear the hurt in your letter. Both your husband and your in-laws have hurt you very much. It will be very tempting to turn that hurt into bitterness and resentment. You will have to guard your heart not to. It will also be important to set appropriate boundaries with your husband on his visitation with the children as well as how you speak to the children about his sinful choices and your in-laws behavior.
It will be tempting to try to make yourself look like the good guy and your husband and his parents the bad guys, especially if you both attend the same church and others see what’s going on. Try not to do that. It won’t help and it will only further divide your family and eventually the body of Christ.
God knows your heart. He knows what you’ve been through. He knows how you have honored your marriage vows through better and worse and how you have attempted to love your husband and your in-laws. However, if your in-laws continue to treat you disrespectfully or talk about you to the children in a demeaning way, you may need to limit your contact with them. You can set firm limits in a clear, neutral voice tone or in a written letter.
If you are going to speak it, write out ahead of time what you want to say and practice saying it. Ask a good friend or mentor to review your letter for you to make sure it says what you need to, without disrespect. Then whether you say it or give them the letter, you’ve done what you can to communicate honestly and in love with them.
Remember, we are to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. The apostle Paul tells us “do not repay anyone evil for evil. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath…. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21). Let me know how it goes.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
How do I honor an abusive father for Father's day?
Father’s Day is coming up and I don’t know what to do. How do I biblically honor a father who was physically and sexually abusive my entire life? I want nothing to do with him and I’m still afraid of him. Does God tell me to try to have some sort of relationship?
First, let me say I am sorry for what you experienced as a child. Evil is everywhere, including many homes. God hates what happens to children when their parents misuse their positions for wicked and self-centered purposes.
Many of my clients have severely questioned God’s love and his goodness because of their traumatic childhoods. They wonder how God could say he loves them when he allowed this kind of mistreatment to happen. They question if God is really good or does he even exit?
It’s beyond the scope of my response here to address those questions but for those who might need some help with them, please check out a book called, Beyond the Threshold of Hope, by Diane Langberg. She is an excellent clinician and godly woman who specializes in helping childhood abuse survivors. God hates what your father did and how he treated you. It was evil, selfish, and not loving in any way.
Your question right now is how does God expect you to handle your father.
First, what happened to you was not your fault. You were the child, he was the adult and what happened to you is a part of your life story. However, as an adult, you will be writing the next part of your story. It will consist of what you are doing and going to do with what happened to you. What kind of person are you becoming not only in spite of what happened, but because of it? This is your choice and your struggle.
When evil thrashes our soul, our human tendency is to become overwhelmed by it. We feel depressed, useless, unlovable, hopeless, shameful, fearful, and bitter. We shut down our desires, dreams and hopes because we’ve been so wounded that we never want to feel that vulnerable or badly again.
I want you to understand that your struggle right now is much bigger than what to do on Father’s Day. You are in a battle for your very personhood. The apostle Paul describes it this way, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12).
Paul also writes that we do not fight this battle with human weapons, but with spiritual ones (2 Corinthians 10:4,5).
Paul tells us how to win this battle. He writes, “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
What does all of this have to do with honoring your wicked father on Father’s Day? Because of what happened in your childhood, you will be especially tempted (emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually) to be overcome by evil. The only way you will keep this poison from turning you into someone evil, is to fight back with good. Doing so does not overcome your father (or the evil person) but you can overcome the evil done to you as you walk in the truth, light, love, and the goodness of God.
What does that mean? It does NOT mean you must have a relationship with him. When someone harms us and is not sorry or changed, it is not wise to try to have a relationship with them, nor does God ask us to. But it does mean that you will overcome evil with good by praying for him so that he may see the evil of his ways. It means that if he has a need for care or some other help, you will do what you can to help him. This isn’t because he deserves it, he doesn’t. It’s because you are not allowing evil to overcome good in you. God calls us to love and to do good to even our enemies. Remember, do not allow yourself to be defined by what happened to you, but rather what God is doing in you and who you are becoming.
I’d encourage you to do good by making sure you are working on the lies that you’ve believed about yourself so that Satan does not have a louder voice in your head than God’s Spirit does. And, as he gives you the strength and courage, there may even be a time when you speak to your father about what he did, inviting him to repent.
So, to answer your question about Father’s Day. God’s word tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. He doesn’t quality this by saying, only if they were good parents. Here's an example where the apostle Paul respected someone in authority who wasn't worthy of it, but he did it anyway because of his position.
When the apostle Paul defended himself before the Sanhedrin, Ananias, the high priest, ordered that Paul be slapped across the mouth (abuse of power). Paul reacted to this initially by calling Ananias a hypocrite and telling him that God would strike him. But when Paul was informed that he had insulted the high priest, Paul immediately felt remorse, because he knew God had said, “You must not speak evil of any of your rulers,” Paul didn’t stop defending himself, but he showed respect for the position of high priest, even though Ananias was corrupt.(Acts 23:1-9)
Pray and ask God how you are to honor your father for his position, not the way he carried out his position. Perhaps it’s only that you start praying for your father and asking God to show him the evil of his ways. Maybe it’s with a neutral card saying that you hope he has a nice day. Perhaps it’s not at all right now but you begin thinking about how you will do it for next year.
In my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I share my struggle with my mother. She was not as abusive as you describe your father, but it was still very hard for me to figure out how to honor her, mostly because I did not want to. I never even spoke to her for 15 years (she didn’t speak to me either) while God was doing some incredible healing in my life. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t do anything yet. Just work on the larger battle I mentioned earlier and be willing to learn how to overcome evil with good. As you obey in this area, he will show you how you can specifically honor your father and will give you the right moments to do so.
First, let me say I am sorry for what you experienced as a child. Evil is everywhere, including many homes. God hates what happens to children when their parents misuse their positions for wicked and self-centered purposes.
Many of my clients have severely questioned God’s love and his goodness because of their traumatic childhoods. They wonder how God could say he loves them when he allowed this kind of mistreatment to happen. They question if God is really good or does he even exit?
It’s beyond the scope of my response here to address those questions but for those who might need some help with them, please check out a book called, Beyond the Threshold of Hope, by Diane Langberg. She is an excellent clinician and godly woman who specializes in helping childhood abuse survivors. God hates what your father did and how he treated you. It was evil, selfish, and not loving in any way.
Your question right now is how does God expect you to handle your father.
First, what happened to you was not your fault. You were the child, he was the adult and what happened to you is a part of your life story. However, as an adult, you will be writing the next part of your story. It will consist of what you are doing and going to do with what happened to you. What kind of person are you becoming not only in spite of what happened, but because of it? This is your choice and your struggle.
When evil thrashes our soul, our human tendency is to become overwhelmed by it. We feel depressed, useless, unlovable, hopeless, shameful, fearful, and bitter. We shut down our desires, dreams and hopes because we’ve been so wounded that we never want to feel that vulnerable or badly again.
I want you to understand that your struggle right now is much bigger than what to do on Father’s Day. You are in a battle for your very personhood. The apostle Paul describes it this way, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12).
Paul also writes that we do not fight this battle with human weapons, but with spiritual ones (2 Corinthians 10:4,5).
Paul tells us how to win this battle. He writes, “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
What does all of this have to do with honoring your wicked father on Father’s Day? Because of what happened in your childhood, you will be especially tempted (emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually) to be overcome by evil. The only way you will keep this poison from turning you into someone evil, is to fight back with good. Doing so does not overcome your father (or the evil person) but you can overcome the evil done to you as you walk in the truth, light, love, and the goodness of God.
What does that mean? It does NOT mean you must have a relationship with him. When someone harms us and is not sorry or changed, it is not wise to try to have a relationship with them, nor does God ask us to. But it does mean that you will overcome evil with good by praying for him so that he may see the evil of his ways. It means that if he has a need for care or some other help, you will do what you can to help him. This isn’t because he deserves it, he doesn’t. It’s because you are not allowing evil to overcome good in you. God calls us to love and to do good to even our enemies. Remember, do not allow yourself to be defined by what happened to you, but rather what God is doing in you and who you are becoming.
I’d encourage you to do good by making sure you are working on the lies that you’ve believed about yourself so that Satan does not have a louder voice in your head than God’s Spirit does. And, as he gives you the strength and courage, there may even be a time when you speak to your father about what he did, inviting him to repent.
So, to answer your question about Father’s Day. God’s word tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. He doesn’t quality this by saying, only if they were good parents. Here's an example where the apostle Paul respected someone in authority who wasn't worthy of it, but he did it anyway because of his position.
When the apostle Paul defended himself before the Sanhedrin, Ananias, the high priest, ordered that Paul be slapped across the mouth (abuse of power). Paul reacted to this initially by calling Ananias a hypocrite and telling him that God would strike him. But when Paul was informed that he had insulted the high priest, Paul immediately felt remorse, because he knew God had said, “You must not speak evil of any of your rulers,” Paul didn’t stop defending himself, but he showed respect for the position of high priest, even though Ananias was corrupt.(Acts 23:1-9)
Pray and ask God how you are to honor your father for his position, not the way he carried out his position. Perhaps it’s only that you start praying for your father and asking God to show him the evil of his ways. Maybe it’s with a neutral card saying that you hope he has a nice day. Perhaps it’s not at all right now but you begin thinking about how you will do it for next year.
In my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I share my struggle with my mother. She was not as abusive as you describe your father, but it was still very hard for me to figure out how to honor her, mostly because I did not want to. I never even spoke to her for 15 years (she didn’t speak to me either) while God was doing some incredible healing in my life. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t do anything yet. Just work on the larger battle I mentioned earlier and be willing to learn how to overcome evil with good. As you obey in this area, he will show you how you can specifically honor your father and will give you the right moments to do so.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I'm DONE with my labor, my baby is born!
Hi Everyone,
This week I haven't had a chance to answer a new question. For the past two months I have been in a excruciating labor to deliver my new book, Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy by my due date, Monday, June 8.
I am thrilled to report the baby was delivered on time, June 8, at 11:45 pm weighing 65,000 words, and it's 11 chapters long. But I am exhausted post delivery and couldn't push any harder this week to answer a new question. I'm taking some days to recover but will be back early next Monday morning to answer the question: How do I honor my father for Father's Day when he was a rotten father?.
Father's Day is coming up and I will also be talking on this topic on Moody Mid-day Connection this Monday, June 15 at 12:00 CST.
Thanks for your patience and prayers. The book will be available October 1.
Blessings,
Leslie Vernick
This week I haven't had a chance to answer a new question. For the past two months I have been in a excruciating labor to deliver my new book, Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy by my due date, Monday, June 8.
I am thrilled to report the baby was delivered on time, June 8, at 11:45 pm weighing 65,000 words, and it's 11 chapters long. But I am exhausted post delivery and couldn't push any harder this week to answer a new question. I'm taking some days to recover but will be back early next Monday morning to answer the question: How do I honor my father for Father's Day when he was a rotten father?.
Father's Day is coming up and I will also be talking on this topic on Moody Mid-day Connection this Monday, June 15 at 12:00 CST.
Thanks for your patience and prayers. The book will be available October 1.
Blessings,
Leslie Vernick
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My husband is disinterested in me and the kids. What can I do?
Q. I’ve been married to a man I dearly love. The years have not been easy and we have both made terrible choices. Right after our second child was born, our oldest was diagnosed with cancer. My husband cared for the baby while I stayed at the hospital with our sick child and came home on the weekends. This took its toll on our marriage, my husband got angry with God, and ended up having an affair. Long story – but I found out, reacted poorly, make some very bad choices in friends, got involved with drugs and made a bad situation worse.
Then I found out I was pregnant again, I stopped the drugs, got my act together only to find out my husband had been sleeping with one of my “friends”. That’s over with and he’s back home. I am now expecting again. He’s been faithful to me for over a year, but he’s disengaged from me and the kids. He’s constantly tired and does not desire to be with me or spend time with our children.
I feel scared of what this is doing to me. I don’t want to be ill and angry all the time. I need my husband to be there for me, especially now. What should I do?
Answer: There are no simple answers to your situation but let me give you a few things to think about and try.
It sounds as if your husband and you have both made poor choices when you're been under stress. It will be tempting to repeat old patterns. Don't let yourself go there. In spite of where he is going right now you need to remain focused on the Lord and the help he wants to give you. I'd highly recommend you read my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong and I have put one in the mail to you.
Your husband may be depressed or just burnt out caring for 3 children with a 4th on the way. He may feel neglected with not enough husband/wife time is available to him, thus making him vulnerable to the attentions of other women. This doesn't excuse his behavior, but you may need to be intentional about just trying to engage him as a husband.
Right now, don't focus on how he isn't meeting your or the children's needs, but how you can affirm him and meet his needs. That may feel unfair or exhausting to you right now considering what you've been through, but right now your choices are critical and how you respond to his apathy and indifference will either draw him toward you and the family, or push him further away.
Get yourself some better girlfriends. Your friend from the past was no friend; she was an enemy in disguise. I hope you're involved in a church and have a supportive network of godly women who will help you be the kind of wife and mom you want to. You may also need to get yourself some counseling to ward off your own depression
Right now you need to stay healthy, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. You need support. Avail yourself of the church and women’s bible studies to find strong, mature women who can mentor you.
Then I found out I was pregnant again, I stopped the drugs, got my act together only to find out my husband had been sleeping with one of my “friends”. That’s over with and he’s back home. I am now expecting again. He’s been faithful to me for over a year, but he’s disengaged from me and the kids. He’s constantly tired and does not desire to be with me or spend time with our children.
I feel scared of what this is doing to me. I don’t want to be ill and angry all the time. I need my husband to be there for me, especially now. What should I do?
Answer: There are no simple answers to your situation but let me give you a few things to think about and try.
It sounds as if your husband and you have both made poor choices when you're been under stress. It will be tempting to repeat old patterns. Don't let yourself go there. In spite of where he is going right now you need to remain focused on the Lord and the help he wants to give you. I'd highly recommend you read my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong and I have put one in the mail to you.
Your husband may be depressed or just burnt out caring for 3 children with a 4th on the way. He may feel neglected with not enough husband/wife time is available to him, thus making him vulnerable to the attentions of other women. This doesn't excuse his behavior, but you may need to be intentional about just trying to engage him as a husband.
Right now, don't focus on how he isn't meeting your or the children's needs, but how you can affirm him and meet his needs. That may feel unfair or exhausting to you right now considering what you've been through, but right now your choices are critical and how you respond to his apathy and indifference will either draw him toward you and the family, or push him further away.
Get yourself some better girlfriends. Your friend from the past was no friend; she was an enemy in disguise. I hope you're involved in a church and have a supportive network of godly women who will help you be the kind of wife and mom you want to. You may also need to get yourself some counseling to ward off your own depression
Right now you need to stay healthy, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. You need support. Avail yourself of the church and women’s bible studies to find strong, mature women who can mentor you.
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