Hi Everyone,
Today I am at Ocean City NJ enjoying the beauty of God's creation. My friend Barb has a beach house here that she graciously allows me to stay at for a few days each year. It's not been great weather but the ocean is so beautiful, whether sunny or cloudy.
As I packed up on Friday I didn't select a question to answer for today's blog. Sorry - I forgot. But I wanted you to know that next week we will be back to answering your questions. If you want to ask something about a relationship issue that makes you crazy, feel free to e-mail me at leslie@leslievernick.com.
My book edits were finished last week. This is a much needed rest See you all next week.
Warmly,
Leslie
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
My husband's attracted to my girlfriend. Help
Question: I have been married for 9 years and recently found out that my husband was pursuing one of my friends from church. He told her how he felt and that he was attracted to her. This went on for about 8 months before I found out. From my understanding nothing happened, but there were two incidents that alarmed her and she felt like I needed to know. However, I don’t know if I can feel comfortable going to the same church with her knowing that my husband is attracted to her. I don’t trust my husband, and I really never have because he was unfaithful to me during our high school years. My husband doesn’t regularly go to church but when he wants to come now, I don’t want him to because I think it’s only to see my friend. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. How can I deal with this in a godly manner? I don’t want to leave my church, but I don’t know if I can deal with us and her being there? I love having her as a friend and he’s my husband. What can I do? Please help?
Answer: Your husband has put you in a very awkward position. Your biggest problem is in your marriage, not with your girlfriend. It sounds like she was a good friend and she regretted having to tell you of your husband’s inappropriate behavior. You may decide to change churches so that you aren’t tempted with anxiety every time you see your friend and your husband isn’t tempted with lustful feelings, however, it’s a short term fix because you can’t control your husband’s heart.
First, let me just say that if we were totally honest, many of us would admit that sometimes we’re physically and/or emotionally attracted people who were not our mates. But most people who feel that way don’t share those attractions or act on them because we love our spouse and don’t want to hurt them, or dishonor God. Instead, we pray hard and ask God to take those feelings away. We also work harder to rekindle our marriage and the loving emotions associated with our mate.
Your husband did not do that and furthermore sees nothing really wrong with his behavior even though it hurt you and it bothered your friend. Your problem now is how do you live in a godly way in marriage with a man you don’t trust and who doesn’t exhibit a strong commitment to you or your marriage.
I love the description of a godly woman in Proverbs 31. One of the things it says is that she brings her husband good not harm all the days of her life. That doesn’t require that you trust him, or do whatever he wants, but it does mean that you love him with God’s love. What would that look like in this case? What is in your husband’s best interests?
First, it is in his absolute best interests for him to come to Christ. It would also be good for him to recognize his foolish and immature ways. It would be good for him to rekindle his relationship with you and build a strong and loving marriage for your children to be raised.
Although you cannot change your husband, you CAN strongly influence him for good or for evil. Wives are encouraged in 1 Peter 3 that even if their husband isn’t a believer, that by their wife’s godly behavior he can be won to Christ. I think many times we blow these moments because we are so angry (rightly so) that we don’t think through the powerful opportunity we have to show them what Jesus is like.
So let me give you some ideas of what specifically you might do in this instance. You can refrain from harsh criticism and sarcastic put downs (that he may deserve right now) but that won’t influence him toward Christ or toward you but close him down and turn him away. You can pray that God show him his sin and that God help him want to be a man who loves God and loves his family. You can speak the truth in love to him, not pretend everything is just fine, nor verbally vomit when you are upset with the memory of what he has done.
You will try to initiate fun things you can do together to rebuild your marriage. You will try to be easy to talk to and work on being a good listener so that he wants to open up and talk with you. If he continues to disrespect you or your marriage vows you will set very clear boundaries that his behavior is unacceptable and that although you want your marriage to work, you do not want to be married to someone who lies to you or betrays you. You can find some wise and godly people you can talk to and who can pray for you because these things are not easy to do when you are mad and hurt.
But I find that women who can act in a godly way when their husband sins against them have the best shot at influencing their husband to see Jesus and his grace in a real way. That is your hope and God’s will for your husband’s life. Satan has already influenced your husband’s mind and heart, don’t let him influence yours too.
My book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong will give you many more practical suggestions on how to respond instead of react, how to overcome evil with good, how to love in godly ways, how to implement the gift of consequences when someone repeatedly refuses to change sinful behavior and the benefits to you of learning such difficult lessons. My heart goes out to you. This is not easy but I promise you that if you learn how to act right to his wrong, you will be blessed.
Answer: Your husband has put you in a very awkward position. Your biggest problem is in your marriage, not with your girlfriend. It sounds like she was a good friend and she regretted having to tell you of your husband’s inappropriate behavior. You may decide to change churches so that you aren’t tempted with anxiety every time you see your friend and your husband isn’t tempted with lustful feelings, however, it’s a short term fix because you can’t control your husband’s heart.
First, let me just say that if we were totally honest, many of us would admit that sometimes we’re physically and/or emotionally attracted people who were not our mates. But most people who feel that way don’t share those attractions or act on them because we love our spouse and don’t want to hurt them, or dishonor God. Instead, we pray hard and ask God to take those feelings away. We also work harder to rekindle our marriage and the loving emotions associated with our mate.
Your husband did not do that and furthermore sees nothing really wrong with his behavior even though it hurt you and it bothered your friend. Your problem now is how do you live in a godly way in marriage with a man you don’t trust and who doesn’t exhibit a strong commitment to you or your marriage.
I love the description of a godly woman in Proverbs 31. One of the things it says is that she brings her husband good not harm all the days of her life. That doesn’t require that you trust him, or do whatever he wants, but it does mean that you love him with God’s love. What would that look like in this case? What is in your husband’s best interests?
First, it is in his absolute best interests for him to come to Christ. It would also be good for him to recognize his foolish and immature ways. It would be good for him to rekindle his relationship with you and build a strong and loving marriage for your children to be raised.
Although you cannot change your husband, you CAN strongly influence him for good or for evil. Wives are encouraged in 1 Peter 3 that even if their husband isn’t a believer, that by their wife’s godly behavior he can be won to Christ. I think many times we blow these moments because we are so angry (rightly so) that we don’t think through the powerful opportunity we have to show them what Jesus is like.
So let me give you some ideas of what specifically you might do in this instance. You can refrain from harsh criticism and sarcastic put downs (that he may deserve right now) but that won’t influence him toward Christ or toward you but close him down and turn him away. You can pray that God show him his sin and that God help him want to be a man who loves God and loves his family. You can speak the truth in love to him, not pretend everything is just fine, nor verbally vomit when you are upset with the memory of what he has done.
You will try to initiate fun things you can do together to rebuild your marriage. You will try to be easy to talk to and work on being a good listener so that he wants to open up and talk with you. If he continues to disrespect you or your marriage vows you will set very clear boundaries that his behavior is unacceptable and that although you want your marriage to work, you do not want to be married to someone who lies to you or betrays you. You can find some wise and godly people you can talk to and who can pray for you because these things are not easy to do when you are mad and hurt.
But I find that women who can act in a godly way when their husband sins against them have the best shot at influencing their husband to see Jesus and his grace in a real way. That is your hope and God’s will for your husband’s life. Satan has already influenced your husband’s mind and heart, don’t let him influence yours too.
My book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong will give you many more practical suggestions on how to respond instead of react, how to overcome evil with good, how to love in godly ways, how to implement the gift of consequences when someone repeatedly refuses to change sinful behavior and the benefits to you of learning such difficult lessons. My heart goes out to you. This is not easy but I promise you that if you learn how to act right to his wrong, you will be blessed.
Sorry I'm late
Sorry I'm late posting this week. My final book edits were due yesterday and so I'm just working on a new question today. It will be posted later tonight after counseling. Thanks for visiting. Come back tonight. I deeply appreciate you all.
Warmly,
Leslie
Warmly,
Leslie
Monday, July 13, 2009
Free Book Offer
Hi Everyone,
Today I got the galley's on my new book, Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy. That means that my manuscript is now in book format and I have one week to read, edit and make any changes or corrections. I am very excited for you to learn some of the things God has taught me in our quest for not only greater holiness, but also real happiness.
Because of that, I did not take time to switch gears to answer a question. Hopefully I will get these edits done to answer a question for next week's blog. But to make it up to you, I'd like to give away a free copy of the new book (it won't be out until October) but for the first 5 people who e-mail me, I will send you a signed copy when it comes out. To send me your name and address, visit my website at www.leslievernick.com and tell me you're responding to my free offer. I will respond and let you know if you are one of the first five.
Check back next week. If I'm still buried in edits, I may do this again. Don't worry, my office manager, Donna, is very good at following up on everything. She won't forget to mail them out come October!
God Bless,
Leslie
Today I got the galley's on my new book, Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy. That means that my manuscript is now in book format and I have one week to read, edit and make any changes or corrections. I am very excited for you to learn some of the things God has taught me in our quest for not only greater holiness, but also real happiness.
Because of that, I did not take time to switch gears to answer a question. Hopefully I will get these edits done to answer a question for next week's blog. But to make it up to you, I'd like to give away a free copy of the new book (it won't be out until October) but for the first 5 people who e-mail me, I will send you a signed copy when it comes out. To send me your name and address, visit my website at www.leslievernick.com and tell me you're responding to my free offer. I will respond and let you know if you are one of the first five.
Check back next week. If I'm still buried in edits, I may do this again. Don't worry, my office manager, Donna, is very good at following up on everything. She won't forget to mail them out come October!
God Bless,
Leslie
Monday, July 6, 2009
My wife is verbally abusive to me and our child. How do I stop this?
Q. My wife and I come from similar dysfunctional family backgrounds. My father was abusive and regularly beat my mother and us and bullied us at every opportunity. I was also bullied in school and at work. My wife’s father is an alcoholic and beat his family when drunk and her mother is a cold, loveless, dictatorial, control freak. Our marriage is a mess. My wife takes out her anger, resentments, and bitterness on me and our child. She used to beat our child but has stopped that, but continues to criticize, berate, and constantly puts me down, especially in front of her family. I did not have much dating experience and have been somewhat passive in our relationship. I am not perfect and have much to learn but I don’t know how to change this pattern. I have contemplated divorce but am afraid that my wife will then destroy my child’s life. Where do I start to make a change?
A. One significant change you state that has already been accomplished is that your wife has stopped beating your child. I’d like you to think back to what prompted that change? Was she confronted? Was she horrified at her own behavior? Were the authorities called in? Something caused your wife to stop, to look at herself and change the way she handles her anger toward your child. You say she is still quite verbally abusive and I know hurtful words can be just as injurious to a child’s psyche as physical wounds can be to a body. For now, however, let’s just concentrate on how she made that change, because that may help you figure out how to create more change in a positive direction.
My guess is that your wife realized that her abusive behavior was going to have serious negative consequences. These consequences might be legal, and/or emotional, (guilt and shame) or seeing her child be afraid of her and hurt by her behavior. Whatever the reasons were, she got it and realized that she needed to stop physically abusing your child. You say that she still bullies people but it’s now verbal rather than physical. Your wife may have learned this style from her mother and/or her father but she can also learn (as you have already stated), that she needs to stop.
The bottom line is that bully’s bully others because they can. When they don’t get away with it, or that there is a price to pay for their behavior, they often stop. I’m not saying that a bully then turns into loving and compassionate person but they can stop certain destructive behaviors.
The next step is for you to look at your own behaviors and to determine what you need to change in response to her verbal abuse. Can you say to her, “Stop it. I will not allow myself to be bullied any longer?” If not, then it’s time to get help for yourself in order to allow yourself to be bullied any more.
Here are some additional steps you can take if she treats you disrespectfully or verbally abuses you in front of her extended family. For example, you could say, “I’m not going to your mother’s house today because of the way you treat me.” And then give some specific examples of the ways she demeans you in front of her family. Or you could say, “I’m going to drive separately so if I have to leave, I can.” Your continued passivity has been a green light for her to continue her behavior without really looking at it. When you implement negative consequences, it gives her an opportunity to stop, pause and do something different.
Your child is an important factor here and you are right not to abandon her in this environment with a mother who is abusive, even if the physical abuse has stopped. You must protect your daughter and that means that you cannot be passive in the face of cruelty and/or verbal abuse. At the very least you need to talk with your wife privately when she is behaving poorly toward your daughter. If she refuses to listen then you will also need to talk with your daughter. You may have to say things like, “You’re mom has every reason to be upset with you right now but it’s not your fault that your mom doesn’t know how to handle her anger the way God wants her to yet. We need to pray that God will help her learn to handle her temper better. It’s not your fault that she is like this.” If things escalate, you may need to remove your daughter from the situation, even if it’s only temporary until your wife calms down.
God is giving you an opportunity to grow, change, and deal with your own issues of passivity. The Godly response isn’t to bully back, but to prayerfully stand up to injustice, cruelty, and evil by speaking the truth in love and removing yourself and your child from clearly dangerous situations. Proverbs 27:12 warns, “The prudent see danger and takes refuge”. Because of the family of origin issues I’d strongly encourage you to get professional help to take these steps and continue to teach your child a new way of handling emotions and interpersonal difficulties.
A. One significant change you state that has already been accomplished is that your wife has stopped beating your child. I’d like you to think back to what prompted that change? Was she confronted? Was she horrified at her own behavior? Were the authorities called in? Something caused your wife to stop, to look at herself and change the way she handles her anger toward your child. You say she is still quite verbally abusive and I know hurtful words can be just as injurious to a child’s psyche as physical wounds can be to a body. For now, however, let’s just concentrate on how she made that change, because that may help you figure out how to create more change in a positive direction.
My guess is that your wife realized that her abusive behavior was going to have serious negative consequences. These consequences might be legal, and/or emotional, (guilt and shame) or seeing her child be afraid of her and hurt by her behavior. Whatever the reasons were, she got it and realized that she needed to stop physically abusing your child. You say that she still bullies people but it’s now verbal rather than physical. Your wife may have learned this style from her mother and/or her father but she can also learn (as you have already stated), that she needs to stop.
The bottom line is that bully’s bully others because they can. When they don’t get away with it, or that there is a price to pay for their behavior, they often stop. I’m not saying that a bully then turns into loving and compassionate person but they can stop certain destructive behaviors.
The next step is for you to look at your own behaviors and to determine what you need to change in response to her verbal abuse. Can you say to her, “Stop it. I will not allow myself to be bullied any longer?” If not, then it’s time to get help for yourself in order to allow yourself to be bullied any more.
Here are some additional steps you can take if she treats you disrespectfully or verbally abuses you in front of her extended family. For example, you could say, “I’m not going to your mother’s house today because of the way you treat me.” And then give some specific examples of the ways she demeans you in front of her family. Or you could say, “I’m going to drive separately so if I have to leave, I can.” Your continued passivity has been a green light for her to continue her behavior without really looking at it. When you implement negative consequences, it gives her an opportunity to stop, pause and do something different.
Your child is an important factor here and you are right not to abandon her in this environment with a mother who is abusive, even if the physical abuse has stopped. You must protect your daughter and that means that you cannot be passive in the face of cruelty and/or verbal abuse. At the very least you need to talk with your wife privately when she is behaving poorly toward your daughter. If she refuses to listen then you will also need to talk with your daughter. You may have to say things like, “You’re mom has every reason to be upset with you right now but it’s not your fault that your mom doesn’t know how to handle her anger the way God wants her to yet. We need to pray that God will help her learn to handle her temper better. It’s not your fault that she is like this.” If things escalate, you may need to remove your daughter from the situation, even if it’s only temporary until your wife calms down.
God is giving you an opportunity to grow, change, and deal with your own issues of passivity. The Godly response isn’t to bully back, but to prayerfully stand up to injustice, cruelty, and evil by speaking the truth in love and removing yourself and your child from clearly dangerous situations. Proverbs 27:12 warns, “The prudent see danger and takes refuge”. Because of the family of origin issues I’d strongly encourage you to get professional help to take these steps and continue to teach your child a new way of handling emotions and interpersonal difficulties.
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