Hey Everyone.
Today is my birthday. My dear friend, Theresa, came to visit me so I've been taking the day off playing and doing fun stuff. I'm attaching a question I was asked while doing a column at Today's Christian Woman Magazine. I think sometimes our girlfriends, as dear as they can be, can sometimes say things that get on our nerves. What are we to do? Here is my response to this woman's dilemma.
Question: My friend is constantly telling me how I should discipline my children and how I’m too lenient. It’s really getting on my nerves. I love my friend and we always have a great time together – except when she starts in on my kids. How can I kindly tell her to mind her own business without it ruining our friendship?
Answer: A good girlfriend is a wonderful gift. But a healthy relationship must include the freedom to disagree about issues and to be honest about how you feel.
Before I give you some tips on how to have a heart to heart talk with your friend, let me first ask you if you’ve taken some time to ask God if there is any truth about her concerns? My dear friend Theresa has said some hard things to me over our twenty-five year friendship. Although I never liked hearing them, much of the time she was right. The psalmists says, “Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it” (Psalm 141:5).
Is it possible that God might be using your friend to help you see areas in your parenting that he wants you to look at?
On the other hand, people are individuals and don’t always do things the same way. Being different doesn’t mean one way is right and the other wrong. Your style of parenting may be more lenient than your friend’s but still be wise, loving and godly.
To maximize the best possible receptivity to what you have to say to your friend, prepare what you want to say with prayer and practice. Blurting out our negative feelings at the moment of their greatest intensity often does ruin friendships. Set aside some specific time you can talk uninterrupted by the children. Begin by affirming her and your friendship before you share your concerns.
You might say something like this. “I love you and deeply value our friendship. I think you are a great mom and a wise woman. I’ve prayerfully considered what you’ve been telling me about being too lenient with my kids and I don’t think that’s true. I do parent differently than you do but that doesn’t make it wrong. I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t comment anymore on the way I raise my kids. I know you mean well but it upsets me.
Your friend might be surprised by your honesty, but if it’s a healthy friendship, she will be thankful for it.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Can I divorce my abusive spouse?
Over the past several weeks I have received numerous questions around whether or not it’s Biblically permissible to divorce an abusive spouse. Let me summarize them.
Question: I have been in a marriage where there has been mostly emotional, but some physical as well as regular spiritual abuse. My spouse regularly tells me I am unsubmissive, ungodly, a bad mother, and a horrible person. I feel afraid to disagree or even hold a normal conversation. We’ve gotten some counseling but it always falls back on me. I’m not doing something right. He never takes any responsibility for his reactions and I haven’t seen any change. Does God expect me to live like this the rest of my life? What about my children? Can I peruse a divorce biblically?
Answer: If you have read my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, you know that God takes all kinds of abuse very seriously. First of all it is always sin. No matter how provoked someone is or how justified he or she feels, abusive speech is never an acceptable way to communicate when angry or upset. (Colossians 3:8,19; Psalm 11:5; Malachi 2:16-17).
Second, just because someone is in the role of an authority figure, such as a husband, or even a parent, this does not give them a biblical right to mistreat another person or use their power and/or authority to push their own way. In fact, Jesus sternly warned us not to misuse our positions of authority in order to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45; Ephesians 5:1,2; Ephesians 6:21-29).
Third, it will be very tempting for someone living in such a situation to respond by becoming abusive back, as well as bitter and resentful. This is not God’s way for you even if you feel very justified in doing so. The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders in 2 Corinthians and he tells us not to put up with it (2 Corinthians 11:20) but he also encourages us in Romans 12:21 to not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. So what does that actually look like in an abusive relationship?
1. It is good to protect yourself (Proverbs 27:12; Proverbs 11:9). David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him. If you are being mistreated, and you have tried speaking up, standing up and setting boundaries and nothing has changed or stopped the abusive behavior, I believe it is biblically permissible to separate yourself from the abusive person in order to protect yourself from further harm.
2. It is good to expose the abuser (Ephesians 5:11) Sometimes we’re very afraid to be bold and take a stand because then it let’s other’s know that our marriage is a mess and our spouse has been abusive. Bringing this out into the open is the ONLY way to get help for both yourself as well as your spouse. When things remain hidden, then a person can more easily stay self-deceived and blind to his/her own brokenness.
Also it is important to ask yourself if there is anything that you are doing to provoke and/or escalate a difficult or volitile situation. I have worked with couples where one spouse is trying to shut the conflict down because he or she is afraid of losing control, but the other spouse will not stop their arguing. The situation escalates and the one who feared losing control, does. I’m not excusing the abusive person in these cases, but sometimes we do create a situation where it is harder for someone to handle themselves in a godly way.
3. It is good to allow the violent person to experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior. One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Galatians 6:7). A person uses violence at home because they can. God has put the civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse. The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29).
When someone continually mistreats us, they lose the fellowship of our company. God does not ask us to have unconditional relationships with people even as he asks us to unconditionally love them. He calls us to love our enemies, not necessarily have fellowship with him/her. In a marital relationship what that means is that you will act in your spouses’ best interests, even when that is difficult and costs you.
So the big question becomes what is in my spouse’s best interest when he or she is regularly abusive and mistreats me and my children? I don’t think it’s to pretend it’s OK and that it doesn’t matter how they behave towards you. That’s not realistic or even possible. It might mean that you separate yourself from him/her for a season in order to help them see more clearly the damage they have done to the relationship and to get the help that he/she needs. That would be in the abusive person’s long term best interests, even if they tell you that you’re being mean, uncaring, unreasonable, unloving, etc.
In my book, I talk about using this time of separation to wait in love. Watch to see what God is doing in your spouse. Perhaps God is leading him/her to a deeper awareness and repentance. Authentic change will take time and that process is often difficult. I’m also very aware that in some states, the spouse cannot get financial support or stop marital debt from accumulating without initiating legal proceedings of divorce.
So to answer your question, can you bibically divorce your spouse? Ultimately you are the one who must live in this situation or not, as well as answer to God for your life choices. In counseling those who have endured an abusive partner for a long time, I find they have become quite passive. They have given up their personal power because of fear and they have stopped thinking through their own convictions and life choices. It’s easier to let someone else control them. Even when leaving an abusive spouse, you now want your pastor or counselor to tell you what to do, what to think.
Part of your healing through all of this is to learn to think for yourself and decide what you think God is saying to you through the scriptures and prayer in your specific situation. There are godly Christians who think very differently on this answer. I would encourage you to read up on their opinions, consult with your own church leaders and counselor but ultimately the decision is yours. Pray and ask God to rescue you and give you his wisdom. He promises he will (James 1).
Question: I have been in a marriage where there has been mostly emotional, but some physical as well as regular spiritual abuse. My spouse regularly tells me I am unsubmissive, ungodly, a bad mother, and a horrible person. I feel afraid to disagree or even hold a normal conversation. We’ve gotten some counseling but it always falls back on me. I’m not doing something right. He never takes any responsibility for his reactions and I haven’t seen any change. Does God expect me to live like this the rest of my life? What about my children? Can I peruse a divorce biblically?
Answer: If you have read my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, you know that God takes all kinds of abuse very seriously. First of all it is always sin. No matter how provoked someone is or how justified he or she feels, abusive speech is never an acceptable way to communicate when angry or upset. (Colossians 3:8,19; Psalm 11:5; Malachi 2:16-17).
Second, just because someone is in the role of an authority figure, such as a husband, or even a parent, this does not give them a biblical right to mistreat another person or use their power and/or authority to push their own way. In fact, Jesus sternly warned us not to misuse our positions of authority in order to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45; Ephesians 5:1,2; Ephesians 6:21-29).
Third, it will be very tempting for someone living in such a situation to respond by becoming abusive back, as well as bitter and resentful. This is not God’s way for you even if you feel very justified in doing so. The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders in 2 Corinthians and he tells us not to put up with it (2 Corinthians 11:20) but he also encourages us in Romans 12:21 to not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. So what does that actually look like in an abusive relationship?
1. It is good to protect yourself (Proverbs 27:12; Proverbs 11:9). David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee to Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him. If you are being mistreated, and you have tried speaking up, standing up and setting boundaries and nothing has changed or stopped the abusive behavior, I believe it is biblically permissible to separate yourself from the abusive person in order to protect yourself from further harm.
2. It is good to expose the abuser (Ephesians 5:11) Sometimes we’re very afraid to be bold and take a stand because then it let’s other’s know that our marriage is a mess and our spouse has been abusive. Bringing this out into the open is the ONLY way to get help for both yourself as well as your spouse. When things remain hidden, then a person can more easily stay self-deceived and blind to his/her own brokenness.
Also it is important to ask yourself if there is anything that you are doing to provoke and/or escalate a difficult or volitile situation. I have worked with couples where one spouse is trying to shut the conflict down because he or she is afraid of losing control, but the other spouse will not stop their arguing. The situation escalates and the one who feared losing control, does. I’m not excusing the abusive person in these cases, but sometimes we do create a situation where it is harder for someone to handle themselves in a godly way.
3. It is good to allow the violent person to experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior. One of life’s greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Galatians 6:7). A person uses violence at home because they can. God has put the civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse. The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29).
When someone continually mistreats us, they lose the fellowship of our company. God does not ask us to have unconditional relationships with people even as he asks us to unconditionally love them. He calls us to love our enemies, not necessarily have fellowship with him/her. In a marital relationship what that means is that you will act in your spouses’ best interests, even when that is difficult and costs you.
So the big question becomes what is in my spouse’s best interest when he or she is regularly abusive and mistreats me and my children? I don’t think it’s to pretend it’s OK and that it doesn’t matter how they behave towards you. That’s not realistic or even possible. It might mean that you separate yourself from him/her for a season in order to help them see more clearly the damage they have done to the relationship and to get the help that he/she needs. That would be in the abusive person’s long term best interests, even if they tell you that you’re being mean, uncaring, unreasonable, unloving, etc.
In my book, I talk about using this time of separation to wait in love. Watch to see what God is doing in your spouse. Perhaps God is leading him/her to a deeper awareness and repentance. Authentic change will take time and that process is often difficult. I’m also very aware that in some states, the spouse cannot get financial support or stop marital debt from accumulating without initiating legal proceedings of divorce.
So to answer your question, can you bibically divorce your spouse? Ultimately you are the one who must live in this situation or not, as well as answer to God for your life choices. In counseling those who have endured an abusive partner for a long time, I find they have become quite passive. They have given up their personal power because of fear and they have stopped thinking through their own convictions and life choices. It’s easier to let someone else control them. Even when leaving an abusive spouse, you now want your pastor or counselor to tell you what to do, what to think.
Part of your healing through all of this is to learn to think for yourself and decide what you think God is saying to you through the scriptures and prayer in your specific situation. There are godly Christians who think very differently on this answer. I would encourage you to read up on their opinions, consult with your own church leaders and counselor but ultimately the decision is yours. Pray and ask God to rescue you and give you his wisdom. He promises he will (James 1).
Monday, August 17, 2009
My Wife Doesn't Love Me Anymore. How Can I Win Her Back?
Question: I am 38, my wife is 32. Recently she informed me that she no longer loves me or has any feelings for me. We have 5 kids and they all see the anger and resentment she has toward me. I used to drink but have not had anything in almost 2 years. I never drank around the kids and it was only 1-2 times a month. We’ve been together for 10 years. She has stopped going to church and feels that the people at church are always talking about us and our marriage. It’s a small church.
My wife and I have never had any sort of healthy relationship ever, all the way back to our childhoods. I want to work on making myself healthy but I would also like to see her do something. She says she just wants to be roommates. I think she is just buying time until she finishes school and gets a job and can afford to leave. I know that the Lord wants our marriage to work, but I feel that Satan has a choke hold on my wife. Can you give me some tips on how I might persuade her to give it another chance when she does not really want to work on things? Any advice for me on how to deal with the pain?
Answer: I’m sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. Let me start by answering your first question on how to persuade your wife to give your marriage another chance. From what you say and the tone of your e-mail, it seems like right now your persuasive powers over your wife are about zero. She won’t listen to your words, but your consistent behavior change over time might cause her to pause and rethink her decisions. You say she is full of anger and resentment and perhaps she has some legitimate reasons to be angry.
I don’t know if this is true in your situation, but I find that many men ignore the early warning signs that their marriage is in trouble. They figure if it’s not broken, why fix it. But when a wife’s repeated requests or complaints get no positive response or change, she begins to shut down and build resentments. Over time these resentments kill her positive loving feelings that were once there. When I’m speaking to male audiences on the subject of marriage maintenance, I compare it to the check oil light in an automobile, indicating that you need to add oil. If you ignore that minor maintenance, the car may still run for a while, but sooner or later the engine will freeze and now you have a much bigger and more costly problem. When you ignore marital distress, the marriage may still function for a while, but sooner or later, the marriage freezes and then no amount of oil will fix it.
That means that for right now you must stop trying to get your wife to change and focus on yourself. As you work to be a better father to your 5 children, handle your pain in a healthy, mature, godly way, and deal with the day to day interactions with your wife with consideration and respect, she might begin to see some things in you that she can like and admire. She will see that you mean business when you say you want things to be better and she will see that you are willing to work hard on yourself. That may soften her to begin to look at her own heart and life too. If so, then you have influenced your wife for good. If not, then the changes you have made will help you become healthy and mature, which you state is your goal. I would also highly encourage you to read my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.
Your second question was how to deal with the pain of marital rejection. This is challenging and how you do so will show you wife your commitment to your first goal of getting healthy. First, remember that your wife is not your enemy here although she may feel like one. Satan ultimately wants to destroy you and her, your marriage and your children’s lives. Don’t let him. When we handle our hurts by retaliating and striking back, Satan wins. God wants us to trust him with our pain and to process it in healthy ways by talking it out with him as well as some trusted and godly friends or spiritual mentors/counselors.
It’s important not to sin in your own anger (Read Ephesians 4:17-5:1) and to keep a tight rein on your tongue so that you don’t lash out in moments of hurt and frustration (Psalm 39). Grieve the loss of your wife’s affections by journaling, talking, praying and remind yourself that even when she doesn’t love you anymore, God still does. You are important to him and he has a purpose in this and a plan for your life. You need to keep the big picture in mind while walking through the pain of your situation. That will help you stay focused on more than just your pain.
Also pay attention to your thought life. Proverbs tells us to guard our heart. You will need to discipline yourself to not continue to mentally rehearse wrongs your wife has done and ways she has hurt you. It only rips the scabs off the wounds and keeps you feeling intense pain over and over again. When you think of them, give them to God, pray for your wife and ask God to help you forgive her. Also you are emotionally vulnerable to the attentions of another women and may feel justified in pursuing it. Don’t do it. Leave time for God to work a healing in your marriage.
Lastly, a good many of my readers are women. I’m going to invite them to share with you what kinds of things they might be looking for in a husband who is genially trying to get healthy and restore his marriage. I would ask God to help you learn from this situation right now how to be the man you want to be. God Bless.
My wife and I have never had any sort of healthy relationship ever, all the way back to our childhoods. I want to work on making myself healthy but I would also like to see her do something. She says she just wants to be roommates. I think she is just buying time until she finishes school and gets a job and can afford to leave. I know that the Lord wants our marriage to work, but I feel that Satan has a choke hold on my wife. Can you give me some tips on how I might persuade her to give it another chance when she does not really want to work on things? Any advice for me on how to deal with the pain?
Answer: I’m sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. Let me start by answering your first question on how to persuade your wife to give your marriage another chance. From what you say and the tone of your e-mail, it seems like right now your persuasive powers over your wife are about zero. She won’t listen to your words, but your consistent behavior change over time might cause her to pause and rethink her decisions. You say she is full of anger and resentment and perhaps she has some legitimate reasons to be angry.
I don’t know if this is true in your situation, but I find that many men ignore the early warning signs that their marriage is in trouble. They figure if it’s not broken, why fix it. But when a wife’s repeated requests or complaints get no positive response or change, she begins to shut down and build resentments. Over time these resentments kill her positive loving feelings that were once there. When I’m speaking to male audiences on the subject of marriage maintenance, I compare it to the check oil light in an automobile, indicating that you need to add oil. If you ignore that minor maintenance, the car may still run for a while, but sooner or later the engine will freeze and now you have a much bigger and more costly problem. When you ignore marital distress, the marriage may still function for a while, but sooner or later, the marriage freezes and then no amount of oil will fix it.
That means that for right now you must stop trying to get your wife to change and focus on yourself. As you work to be a better father to your 5 children, handle your pain in a healthy, mature, godly way, and deal with the day to day interactions with your wife with consideration and respect, she might begin to see some things in you that she can like and admire. She will see that you mean business when you say you want things to be better and she will see that you are willing to work hard on yourself. That may soften her to begin to look at her own heart and life too. If so, then you have influenced your wife for good. If not, then the changes you have made will help you become healthy and mature, which you state is your goal. I would also highly encourage you to read my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.
Your second question was how to deal with the pain of marital rejection. This is challenging and how you do so will show you wife your commitment to your first goal of getting healthy. First, remember that your wife is not your enemy here although she may feel like one. Satan ultimately wants to destroy you and her, your marriage and your children’s lives. Don’t let him. When we handle our hurts by retaliating and striking back, Satan wins. God wants us to trust him with our pain and to process it in healthy ways by talking it out with him as well as some trusted and godly friends or spiritual mentors/counselors.
It’s important not to sin in your own anger (Read Ephesians 4:17-5:1) and to keep a tight rein on your tongue so that you don’t lash out in moments of hurt and frustration (Psalm 39). Grieve the loss of your wife’s affections by journaling, talking, praying and remind yourself that even when she doesn’t love you anymore, God still does. You are important to him and he has a purpose in this and a plan for your life. You need to keep the big picture in mind while walking through the pain of your situation. That will help you stay focused on more than just your pain.
Also pay attention to your thought life. Proverbs tells us to guard our heart. You will need to discipline yourself to not continue to mentally rehearse wrongs your wife has done and ways she has hurt you. It only rips the scabs off the wounds and keeps you feeling intense pain over and over again. When you think of them, give them to God, pray for your wife and ask God to help you forgive her. Also you are emotionally vulnerable to the attentions of another women and may feel justified in pursuing it. Don’t do it. Leave time for God to work a healing in your marriage.
Lastly, a good many of my readers are women. I’m going to invite them to share with you what kinds of things they might be looking for in a husband who is genially trying to get healthy and restore his marriage. I would ask God to help you learn from this situation right now how to be the man you want to be. God Bless.
Monday, August 10, 2009
My adult son is a mess. How can I help him?
Question: My 48 year old adult son is threatening suicide because his former girlfriend broke up with him over a year ago. He lives in California and I have not seen him since 1992. He sends “help me” e-mails and I don’t know the truth of the situation. He has used pot since 7th grade and drinks excessively. I think he is bi-polar. Now I think he may be homeless. Any suggestions?
Answer: Seeing our adult children make chronically poor choices that mess up their lives is very painful. Unfortunately you can’t fix these problems for him. He is the only one who can take a hard look at his life choices and the consequences and make changes.
Since he doesn’t have an address that you know of, even calling the local Crisis Intervention number in his area when he’s threatening suicide, won’t be of much help because they won’t know where to go to find him.
What you can do, however, is to pray. I’ve been reading through the Bible this year and I am struck again and again by the power of prayer when from a human perspective, the situation looks hopeless. Every time he comes to mind, or you receive an e-mail, pray and ask God to send people into his life that can help him learn how to make better choices. Pray for his protection and that he will learn from his mistakes and desire to get the help he needs.
You may also want to check out some good churches in the area where he lives. See if they have a ministry to the homeless or support groups like Celebrate Recovery. When your son e-mails you, send him these resources as places to go for help in making a fresh start. That way, if he is genuinely seeking help, he has something specific to do.
Unfortunately sometimes adult children prey on their parents’ kindness and their guilt. Most parents have some regrets about their parenting. When an adult child can hook those guilty feelings we can feel that we “owe” our kids because we didn’t do enough in their growing up years. Even when that’s true, we can’t really fix their lives. Their life is their life now and they are the only ones that can fix their life.
That doesn’t mean that we may not help out with the costs of counseling, or rehab if necessary, but if you do so, you need some very specific boundaries and guidelines around your part of the help.
For example, payments go directly to the facility and you check out the facility for its credentials. You receive permission to contact your adult child’s counselor about his progress (your adult child will need to sign a release). And, you only do this one time, not again and again. If they blow the opportunity to get help, then they have to figure it out for themselves the next time. A great resource for parents with adult children who are out of control is Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.
Answer: Seeing our adult children make chronically poor choices that mess up their lives is very painful. Unfortunately you can’t fix these problems for him. He is the only one who can take a hard look at his life choices and the consequences and make changes.
Since he doesn’t have an address that you know of, even calling the local Crisis Intervention number in his area when he’s threatening suicide, won’t be of much help because they won’t know where to go to find him.
What you can do, however, is to pray. I’ve been reading through the Bible this year and I am struck again and again by the power of prayer when from a human perspective, the situation looks hopeless. Every time he comes to mind, or you receive an e-mail, pray and ask God to send people into his life that can help him learn how to make better choices. Pray for his protection and that he will learn from his mistakes and desire to get the help he needs.
You may also want to check out some good churches in the area where he lives. See if they have a ministry to the homeless or support groups like Celebrate Recovery. When your son e-mails you, send him these resources as places to go for help in making a fresh start. That way, if he is genuinely seeking help, he has something specific to do.
Unfortunately sometimes adult children prey on their parents’ kindness and their guilt. Most parents have some regrets about their parenting. When an adult child can hook those guilty feelings we can feel that we “owe” our kids because we didn’t do enough in their growing up years. Even when that’s true, we can’t really fix their lives. Their life is their life now and they are the only ones that can fix their life.
That doesn’t mean that we may not help out with the costs of counseling, or rehab if necessary, but if you do so, you need some very specific boundaries and guidelines around your part of the help.
For example, payments go directly to the facility and you check out the facility for its credentials. You receive permission to contact your adult child’s counselor about his progress (your adult child will need to sign a release). And, you only do this one time, not again and again. If they blow the opportunity to get help, then they have to figure it out for themselves the next time. A great resource for parents with adult children who are out of control is Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.
Monday, August 3, 2009
How do I tell my mother she can't visit my kids?
I’m back from vacation. This e-mail came my way a few weeks ago and I was busy with final edits so I didn’t get a chance to respond sooner but I think many of us struggle in similar ways with certain people in our lives. Forgive the lengthiness of it. I felt background was needed to make the things I advise appropriate.
Question: My mother and I have had a difficult relationship for many years due to her alcoholism and abusive behavior. As a Christian I’ve always been torn between seemingly conflicting pieces of Scripture and lessons to “turn the other cheek” and “honor your mother” with “admonishing the unruly” and “speaking the truth in love”.
I read your book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and felt it was written just for my situation. You knew my mother. As an adult I haven’t lived in the same town as her so contact was sporadic and she started AA 13 years ago. She seemed to be healthier and was doing her AA steps, so when my family moved back to my hometown 3 years ago, we purchased a home with a suite for her in it. Talk about act in haste repent in leisure…Within months I saw hints of old habits coming back and in the last 10 months things became so toxic my husband and I turned to professional mediation in our efforts to make peace.
Heartbreakingly however, she is blind to her brokenness nothing could be resolved and for the sake of my sanity and my family we asked her to move out. My sister is also struggling with Mom and she’s also “taking a break” from her. My husband and I have taken ever effort to shield our two young children from this ugliness despite our mediators concern that Mom might speak inappropriately to them. I didn’t think she’d stoop so low. I was so wrong.
When I went to pick up my children after I allowed a visit with her at McDonalds, my 6 year old said, “We’re mad at you, why did you lie to us? Why are you kicking Gramma out because you don’t like her. Are you going to kick me out one day too?” Sadly the scene got worse when she started swearing at me in the restaurant and screaming in tears at me as the children and I walked across the parking lot.
I have not spoken to my mother since. I assumed she’d get the message that she would no longer have access to the kids due to her behavior in McDonalds. However she just e-mailed me and wants to see them. I have tried speaking up and stepping back. Now she wants to see my kids and I’m not sure how explicit to make my statement of “stepping back” and how to explain she needs to do things differently in order to be in fellowship with us and our children. Can you give me some guidelines?
Answer: Sadly your situation is not all that uncommon. For those readers who are unfamiliar with my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, in the section on how to stop a destructive relationship, I give three steps that one can take to initiate change. The first one is speaking up. If you have never told someone that something bothers you, to stop doing something, that you need more privacy, or that what they are doing hurts you, that becomes the first step.
In previous blogs, I give lots of illustrations on how to speak up in a constructive way. Speaking up does not mean blurting out your negative thoughts or feelings when you can’t stand it anymore. It means you give very deliberate thought and prayer as to the best way and the best time you can approach the person to initiate a healthy conversation about change. Sometimes, when you do this in a humble and sincere way, change can begin to happen. Of course people fall back into old habits but then just a gentle reminder is often enough to get things back on track.
In difficult or destructive relationships however, speaking up often falls on deaf ears. You may be mocked, ridiculed or told you are being too sensitive, unsubmissive, or worse. When that happens, the next step is to Stand Up. You are not only standing up for yourself and the health of your relationship, but you are standing up against injustice, cruelty, and abuse of power. Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:16,17 to go and talk with someone who sins against us. But if he or she refuses to listen, then you take the next step of telling someone. If they continue to refuse to listen, they lose the fellowship of your company. Jesus says to treat them as a pagan or tax collector. That doesn’t mean have nothing to do with them; it means you don’t trust them or closely fellowship with them.
After you have spoken up, stood up and nothing changes, you may need to step back. This does not mean that you turn your back on the person especially when he or she is a parent or spouse. In those relationships we are biblically commanded not to turn our back. But it may mean that we recognize that we cannot be in close fellowship with him or her, nor do we try to. We meet their needs as best we can but do not share our heart, have any expectations, or spend lots of time in their company.
That said, let me give you some guidelines on communicating with your mother at this time. Perhaps you need to keep it all in writing, so that you can have a written record of your words and hers.
You can start with a brief history, “Mom, from our perspective, we have done all we can to communicate with you our feelings, thoughts, needs and requests. Consistently you have disregarded them and disrespected our feelings. That is why we eventually had to ask you to leave our home. However, we have always wanted you to have a good relationship with our children and have never interfered in that. However, your behavior at McDonalds was unacceptable. You should not have told our 6 year old the things you did, and then when you didn’t like what was happening you cursed at me and started screaming. You embarrassed me, you embarrassed yourself and you frightened my children.
I am their mother and I cannot allow this to continue to happen. I would love for them to have a good relationship with you but it will not be possible if you cannot learn to control your tongue and temper when you are unhappy and upset, especially around my children. At this point I cannot allow unsupervised visits with them. I do not trust you."
From here you can put in the specifics of what you would allow if anything at this point and what kinds of things you are looking for her to rebuild your trust and to keep her accountable. For example, if she is willing to work on things can you contact her AA sponsor and in order to share some of your concerns? Is she willing to go for professional help? Take medication if she needs it? If not, then her contact with the children may not be possible, or needs to be short and regulated. If you arrange something, (like a lunch at McDonalds again with you present) or she’s invited to one of their birthday parties, she needs to know clearly the rules and if she breaks them, the consequences. You need to be ready and willing to enforce them so she learns that she cannot behave in cruel and disrespectful ways and continue to maintain the pleasure of you and your children’s company.
These kinds of situations are very painful to impliment and be prepared to be accused of being unChristian, unloving and hard hearted. You need lots of support and I'm thankful you're husband is 100 percent with you on this.
God Bless.
Question: My mother and I have had a difficult relationship for many years due to her alcoholism and abusive behavior. As a Christian I’ve always been torn between seemingly conflicting pieces of Scripture and lessons to “turn the other cheek” and “honor your mother” with “admonishing the unruly” and “speaking the truth in love”.
I read your book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and felt it was written just for my situation. You knew my mother. As an adult I haven’t lived in the same town as her so contact was sporadic and she started AA 13 years ago. She seemed to be healthier and was doing her AA steps, so when my family moved back to my hometown 3 years ago, we purchased a home with a suite for her in it. Talk about act in haste repent in leisure…Within months I saw hints of old habits coming back and in the last 10 months things became so toxic my husband and I turned to professional mediation in our efforts to make peace.
Heartbreakingly however, she is blind to her brokenness nothing could be resolved and for the sake of my sanity and my family we asked her to move out. My sister is also struggling with Mom and she’s also “taking a break” from her. My husband and I have taken ever effort to shield our two young children from this ugliness despite our mediators concern that Mom might speak inappropriately to them. I didn’t think she’d stoop so low. I was so wrong.
When I went to pick up my children after I allowed a visit with her at McDonalds, my 6 year old said, “We’re mad at you, why did you lie to us? Why are you kicking Gramma out because you don’t like her. Are you going to kick me out one day too?” Sadly the scene got worse when she started swearing at me in the restaurant and screaming in tears at me as the children and I walked across the parking lot.
I have not spoken to my mother since. I assumed she’d get the message that she would no longer have access to the kids due to her behavior in McDonalds. However she just e-mailed me and wants to see them. I have tried speaking up and stepping back. Now she wants to see my kids and I’m not sure how explicit to make my statement of “stepping back” and how to explain she needs to do things differently in order to be in fellowship with us and our children. Can you give me some guidelines?
Answer: Sadly your situation is not all that uncommon. For those readers who are unfamiliar with my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, in the section on how to stop a destructive relationship, I give three steps that one can take to initiate change. The first one is speaking up. If you have never told someone that something bothers you, to stop doing something, that you need more privacy, or that what they are doing hurts you, that becomes the first step.
In previous blogs, I give lots of illustrations on how to speak up in a constructive way. Speaking up does not mean blurting out your negative thoughts or feelings when you can’t stand it anymore. It means you give very deliberate thought and prayer as to the best way and the best time you can approach the person to initiate a healthy conversation about change. Sometimes, when you do this in a humble and sincere way, change can begin to happen. Of course people fall back into old habits but then just a gentle reminder is often enough to get things back on track.
In difficult or destructive relationships however, speaking up often falls on deaf ears. You may be mocked, ridiculed or told you are being too sensitive, unsubmissive, or worse. When that happens, the next step is to Stand Up. You are not only standing up for yourself and the health of your relationship, but you are standing up against injustice, cruelty, and abuse of power. Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:16,17 to go and talk with someone who sins against us. But if he or she refuses to listen, then you take the next step of telling someone. If they continue to refuse to listen, they lose the fellowship of your company. Jesus says to treat them as a pagan or tax collector. That doesn’t mean have nothing to do with them; it means you don’t trust them or closely fellowship with them.
After you have spoken up, stood up and nothing changes, you may need to step back. This does not mean that you turn your back on the person especially when he or she is a parent or spouse. In those relationships we are biblically commanded not to turn our back. But it may mean that we recognize that we cannot be in close fellowship with him or her, nor do we try to. We meet their needs as best we can but do not share our heart, have any expectations, or spend lots of time in their company.
That said, let me give you some guidelines on communicating with your mother at this time. Perhaps you need to keep it all in writing, so that you can have a written record of your words and hers.
You can start with a brief history, “Mom, from our perspective, we have done all we can to communicate with you our feelings, thoughts, needs and requests. Consistently you have disregarded them and disrespected our feelings. That is why we eventually had to ask you to leave our home. However, we have always wanted you to have a good relationship with our children and have never interfered in that. However, your behavior at McDonalds was unacceptable. You should not have told our 6 year old the things you did, and then when you didn’t like what was happening you cursed at me and started screaming. You embarrassed me, you embarrassed yourself and you frightened my children.
I am their mother and I cannot allow this to continue to happen. I would love for them to have a good relationship with you but it will not be possible if you cannot learn to control your tongue and temper when you are unhappy and upset, especially around my children. At this point I cannot allow unsupervised visits with them. I do not trust you."
From here you can put in the specifics of what you would allow if anything at this point and what kinds of things you are looking for her to rebuild your trust and to keep her accountable. For example, if she is willing to work on things can you contact her AA sponsor and in order to share some of your concerns? Is she willing to go for professional help? Take medication if she needs it? If not, then her contact with the children may not be possible, or needs to be short and regulated. If you arrange something, (like a lunch at McDonalds again with you present) or she’s invited to one of their birthday parties, she needs to know clearly the rules and if she breaks them, the consequences. You need to be ready and willing to enforce them so she learns that she cannot behave in cruel and disrespectful ways and continue to maintain the pleasure of you and your children’s company.
These kinds of situations are very painful to impliment and be prepared to be accused of being unChristian, unloving and hard hearted. You need lots of support and I'm thankful you're husband is 100 percent with you on this.
God Bless.
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