I’m sorry everyone that I missed blogging last week. I had just returned from a week long conference at the American Association of Christian Counselors and just needed a day to rest before starting my counseling week. I’m trying to put into practice some of my own advice in my new book, Lord, I Just Want to be Happy, which includes slowing down and enjoying life. By the way, those of you who requested influencer copies, they are going out this week. The book is available through my website now and stores should be receiving copies in the next few weeks.
Question: We have a rule at our house for our 20 year old daughter. She must be home by 12:00 am or sleep elsewhere. Last night she was locked out at 12:15 am during a bad thunderstorm by my husband. She called my cell for help. Knowing I shouldn’t have, I let her in. Now, I’m the bad guy and I’m forced to choose between my husband and my daughter. A lose/lose situation. How can I make this situation better?
Answer: Unfortunately I don’t have enough details of the history of this situation in order to give you specific advice but let me give you a couple of different ways to handle it depending on the general history.
If your daughter has generally been an obedient and respectful child and usually follows the house rules and this 15 minute gap was an exceptional situation, then I think you were right in responding to her need for help and helping her. Grace, not law is in order here. No one is perfect and even when there are house rules, sometimes there are exceptions and we need to show mercy and grace.
However, if these house rules are in place because your daughter has not been respectful or willing to come in at reasonable times then you are enabling her to continue more of the same when you help her out. I know it’s difficult seeing our children suffer the consequences of their choices but that is an important way they learn to stop doing stupid and foolish things. Your daughter had other choices. She could have slept in her car in your driveway, gone to a friend’s, or stayed at a hotel. Having to suffer the inconvenience, expense, or difficulty of finding an alternative place to stay might be what she needs to learn to respect the house rules.
Let’s go to the conflict this has caused between you and your husband. If your daughter is generally a good kid and this was an exceptional sitaution, you need to stand up for your daughter. Ephesians 6 tells fathers not to exasperate their children to bitterness. We all need mercy when we slip up and if dad is a rule keeper to a fault, he needs to learn how to extend grace.
Let me ask you a question. Did you agree with these house rules to begin with? You said in your question, “We have a rule at our house.” If so, then you must talk with your husband about your reasons for going against what both of you have decided. Was it because you thought that the rule was restrictive, unreasonable or inappropriate for a 20 year old and you were not honest with your husband about how you felt to begin with?
I find many times one person in a marriage goes along with something that they don’t agree with just to keep peace. However, when certain situations arise, they go around the other spouse’s back and break the agreement. This happens in areas of budgeting, parenting, household chores and responsibilities, visiting relatives, etc.
If this is the case here, you must be honest with your thoughts and feelings with your husband and renegotiate something that you can live with. This is an important element to a healthy marriage. You come up with decisions and solutions that both of you can live with – a win/win. As you speak up, your husband may not like your assertiveness or not be used to it. He may try to get you to back down and do it his way, but if he wants to have a good marriage, he has to work toward healthy conflict resolution, not just get his own way all the time.
However, if you went again the rules because you felt sorry for your daughter in the moment but now realize that you were wrong, tell your husband you were wrong and ask for his forgiveness. Next have a heart to heart with your daughter telling her that this was the last time that you will help her get into the house if she doesn’t make it home by midnight. Taking responsibility for what you did and humbly talking with both should help clear the air and repair the relationship with your husband.
I’m assuming the best about your husband. He wants to help your daughter be responsible, considerate of other people’s needs, and respectful of those she lives with. Those are good character qualities to instill in our children. At 20 years old, she needs to understand that the whole family (or universe) does not resolve around her and her needs. If you can respect that about him and talk together as a family, perhaps you can renegotiate the curfew time (if your daughter needs more time) but that the consequences for failure to comply still hold.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
My sister is in an abusive marriage. How can I help her?
Question: My sister is in an abusive marriage and I just don’t know how to help her. I see the toll it’s taken on her and the kids but she doesn’t want to leave him. What is my role here?
Answer: There is no more helpless feeling than to stand by and watch someone make decisions that you know are leading to more hurt and destruction. You cannot make your sister leave her husband, nor should you. That is not your place. However here are some things you can do to invite your sister make better decisions for herself and her children.
Pray: Prayer is a potent reminder to both you and her that God is in charge and that he loves both the abused and the abuser. God hates abuse every bit as much as he hates divorce. You can bring your sister, her husband and their children before God daily, asking Him to intervene in a way that we cannot imagine. Praying for your sister also strengthens her to fight this battle wisely because she has an enemy that is after her spirit and soul and her enemy is far more powerful than her husband is. Satan is out to destroy her, her children as well as her husband.
Pray God’s armor over her and the children so that the ugly words her husband uses will not penetrate into her spirit (Ephesians 6). Pray that she will believe truth over lies and respond with goodness rather than retaliate with more evil of her own. Goodness doesn’t mean that she allows someone to continually sin against her with no consequence, but it means she gains the courage to act in the best interests of her husband and her children, which may involve developing a safety plan, calling the police, and/or separating from him.
Validate her experience: When she shares with you what’s going on, she may have a tendency to blame herself. She might say things like, “I shouldn’t have made him mad.” Or “He’s just stressed out because I didn’t take care of everything ahead of time.”
What you say in response to her excuse making can begin to open her eyes. Say, “You know, I’m not a perfect wife either and my husband doesn’t treat me that way. You don’t deserve to be abused just because you can’t get everything right. Do you treat him that way when he upsets or disappoints you?” Her husband may have told her that if only she hadn’t done those things, he wouldn’t have gotten upset.
The tricky part of his argument is that there may be a grain of truth to it. However, the bigger reality is that there is no perfect person and people do upset us and let us down. People provoke us and irritate us. That never justifies or excuses our abusive response. When she takes responsibility for his abusive behaviors, she is not seeing things truthfully. Part of your role in her life is to help her see things more clearly by speaking the truth in love to her. She doesn’t deserve to be abused when she disappoints or upsets her husband, no matter what! Her husband is responsible for his anger, period.
Help her think clearly: Part of what happens in an abusive relationship is that the victim gets more and more isolated from outside opinions and help. The longer someone lives that way, they begin to lose their ability to think clearly and make their own decisions. Sadly, many Christian women have been taught that to have a different opinion or to make a decision contrary to their husband is not being submissive and is ungodly.
However, one right that God has given each person is their right to choose. When we give up that right to another person and stop thinking for ourselves, we are functioning as children, not adults. Abused women often lose their ability to make choices for themselves. The answer is not for you to step in and tell her what to do next but to help her think more clearly for herself.
Encourage her to make small choices of her own, even if it upsets her husband. For example, perhaps her husband doesn’t want her children to go to youth group or he doesn’t want her to attend bible study. She may need to say to him, “I hear your feelings on this matter but it’s really important to me (or for the kids) that I go to bible study and get some Christian fellowship.”
Sometimes women give in because it’s just easier than to learn to stand up for herself in a good way. Just because a husband is the head of the home doesn’t mean he gets to have his way all the time or to make all the decisions. That is an abuse of his authority and Jesus clearly tells those in positions of authority not to misuse their God-given positions. (Please read my free article on Biblical Headship, Submission, and Authority at www.leslievernick.com).
Love your sister unconditionally: It may be a long time before your sister gains the strength to begin to speak to her husband or stand up for herself. My book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship will give her some tools to do that if she’s ready to use them. It also will help her understand God’s perspective on abusive relationships and how she can take Biblical steps to turn her marriage around, or if necessary the courage to step back and allow her husband to face the consequences of his abusive behaviors.
Answer: There is no more helpless feeling than to stand by and watch someone make decisions that you know are leading to more hurt and destruction. You cannot make your sister leave her husband, nor should you. That is not your place. However here are some things you can do to invite your sister make better decisions for herself and her children.
Pray: Prayer is a potent reminder to both you and her that God is in charge and that he loves both the abused and the abuser. God hates abuse every bit as much as he hates divorce. You can bring your sister, her husband and their children before God daily, asking Him to intervene in a way that we cannot imagine. Praying for your sister also strengthens her to fight this battle wisely because she has an enemy that is after her spirit and soul and her enemy is far more powerful than her husband is. Satan is out to destroy her, her children as well as her husband.
Pray God’s armor over her and the children so that the ugly words her husband uses will not penetrate into her spirit (Ephesians 6). Pray that she will believe truth over lies and respond with goodness rather than retaliate with more evil of her own. Goodness doesn’t mean that she allows someone to continually sin against her with no consequence, but it means she gains the courage to act in the best interests of her husband and her children, which may involve developing a safety plan, calling the police, and/or separating from him.
Validate her experience: When she shares with you what’s going on, she may have a tendency to blame herself. She might say things like, “I shouldn’t have made him mad.” Or “He’s just stressed out because I didn’t take care of everything ahead of time.”
What you say in response to her excuse making can begin to open her eyes. Say, “You know, I’m not a perfect wife either and my husband doesn’t treat me that way. You don’t deserve to be abused just because you can’t get everything right. Do you treat him that way when he upsets or disappoints you?” Her husband may have told her that if only she hadn’t done those things, he wouldn’t have gotten upset.
The tricky part of his argument is that there may be a grain of truth to it. However, the bigger reality is that there is no perfect person and people do upset us and let us down. People provoke us and irritate us. That never justifies or excuses our abusive response. When she takes responsibility for his abusive behaviors, she is not seeing things truthfully. Part of your role in her life is to help her see things more clearly by speaking the truth in love to her. She doesn’t deserve to be abused when she disappoints or upsets her husband, no matter what! Her husband is responsible for his anger, period.
Help her think clearly: Part of what happens in an abusive relationship is that the victim gets more and more isolated from outside opinions and help. The longer someone lives that way, they begin to lose their ability to think clearly and make their own decisions. Sadly, many Christian women have been taught that to have a different opinion or to make a decision contrary to their husband is not being submissive and is ungodly.
However, one right that God has given each person is their right to choose. When we give up that right to another person and stop thinking for ourselves, we are functioning as children, not adults. Abused women often lose their ability to make choices for themselves. The answer is not for you to step in and tell her what to do next but to help her think more clearly for herself.
Encourage her to make small choices of her own, even if it upsets her husband. For example, perhaps her husband doesn’t want her children to go to youth group or he doesn’t want her to attend bible study. She may need to say to him, “I hear your feelings on this matter but it’s really important to me (or for the kids) that I go to bible study and get some Christian fellowship.”
Sometimes women give in because it’s just easier than to learn to stand up for herself in a good way. Just because a husband is the head of the home doesn’t mean he gets to have his way all the time or to make all the decisions. That is an abuse of his authority and Jesus clearly tells those in positions of authority not to misuse their God-given positions. (Please read my free article on Biblical Headship, Submission, and Authority at www.leslievernick.com).
Love your sister unconditionally: It may be a long time before your sister gains the strength to begin to speak to her husband or stand up for herself. My book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship will give her some tools to do that if she’s ready to use them. It also will help her understand God’s perspective on abusive relationships and how she can take Biblical steps to turn her marriage around, or if necessary the courage to step back and allow her husband to face the consequences of his abusive behaviors.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I feel guilty when I set boundaries with my parents
Happy Labor Day!
I need some help. I’m looking for a very special group of people called Influencers who would be willing to read my new book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy within 30 days after receiving it. After you read it, if you like it, I’m asking you to pass it on to someone else and spread the word about what you found helpful. If possible, I’d also like you to write a short review on Amazon.com.
Every author knows that the best way to market a new book is through word of mouth. I think Lord, I Just Want to be Happy addresses an important void in the Christian community. We have many good books on how to suffer as a godly person, but fewer teach us how to be happy. Happiness is not just a choice, it is a skill that we need to learn and regularly practice in order to maximize our ability to experience.
If you’d like to be an Influencer, I will send you a new book, hot off the press, absolutely FREE in the next few weeks. Just e-mail me privately your name and address and that’s it. Just promise to read it within 30 days, spread the word and write a review. Pretty cool huh! This offer ends September 15, 2009.
Question: Today’s question is a follow up to an earlier blog about setting boundaries with parents who have been abusive toward you as an adult or disrespectful of your boundaries. Here is the reader’s dilemma:
I believe I’ve set proper boundaries with both parents (they’re divorced) and I’m at peace with that in itself, but I’m still having a hard time emotionally letting go of my extended family. How can I stop feeling guilty? My mother doesn’t see that my need to still enforce boundaries isn’t unforgiveness, but caution and a desire to ensure my children’s safety. On the other side, my father and step-mother are pressuring us to move closer to them so they can spend more time with their grandchildren. I can’t win with either parent and I feel like I’m being treated like a child. I’m almost to the point of cutting ties with both of them. My husband has been 100% in agreement with my stand and is very supportive.
However, I display anger mixed with guilt whenever I encounter any of them. I’m still hopeful that God is working through this situation and I fear that cutting ties with them is not the answer. Please advise.
Answer: I agree with you. I don’t think totally cutting off ties with your family is the answer. Learning to let go of the guilt of displeasing them or making them unhappy is. I think women struggle with this more than men. We want others, especially our parents, to be happy with us, approve of our decisions and think we made good choices. When they show their disapproval or disappointment with our choices, we tend to second guess our decisions, and/or feel guilty for going against what they want or think is best.
I remember when I decided to hold my son back from starting school until he turned 6. This was unheard of twenty-five years ago and my extended family didn’t understand, nor did they think it was smart. They were entitled to disagree, but I found it hard to forge ahead without second guessing myself or feeling a twinge of guilt for going against the family norm.
Part of being a healthy adult (emotionally) is the ability to make decisions for yourself without feeling like you need every one else’s approval and to tolerate their disapproval without getting undone.
I like the story in Mark 1 where Jesus went to Peter’s home for a short reprieve from ministry. However, before long, the text says the whole town gathered at the door bringing sick and needy people to Jesus for healing. Jesus graciously ministered to the group, but at some point we know he stopped and went to sleep because it says, “early the next morning Jesus went out to pray.” Before long, Peter comes looking for Jesus telling him to come back to the house because everyone is still waiting for him. Apparently there were people who were yet unhealed, waiting for Jesus.
Jesus’ answer is somewhat shocking. He says he’s not going back. In fact, he’s going on to Jerusalem to preach because that’s why he’s come. Imagine all the people left who were angry and disappointed in Jesus. Perhaps even the disciples disapproved of Jesus’ decision.
If Jesus, who was perfect, couldn’t please everyone and make them happy all of the time, neither can we. Your mother, father, and step-mother may be disappointed that you’re not willing to live your life like they want you to. It may be in big areas like moving closer to home, or even in little areas like coming to dinner every Sunday afternoon or allowing them to take the children overnight.
Part of your continued growth right now is to respectfully disagree and do what’s in the best interest of your husband and children. When the scriptures tell us to leave and cleave, I believe it’s not just a physical leaving but also an emotional one. You are not a bad daughter if you don’t make them happy all of the time or disagree with their ideas. But you must also let go of the idea that they will always agree with yours.
So I’d encourage you to do the work you need to do right now to let go of the guilt and internal voices of condemnation that are eating at you. Those are the things that are triggering your anger. When you can break free of those things, then you will be able to disagree and not feel that tug of guilt.
I need some help. I’m looking for a very special group of people called Influencers who would be willing to read my new book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy within 30 days after receiving it. After you read it, if you like it, I’m asking you to pass it on to someone else and spread the word about what you found helpful. If possible, I’d also like you to write a short review on Amazon.com.
Every author knows that the best way to market a new book is through word of mouth. I think Lord, I Just Want to be Happy addresses an important void in the Christian community. We have many good books on how to suffer as a godly person, but fewer teach us how to be happy. Happiness is not just a choice, it is a skill that we need to learn and regularly practice in order to maximize our ability to experience.
If you’d like to be an Influencer, I will send you a new book, hot off the press, absolutely FREE in the next few weeks. Just e-mail me privately your name and address and that’s it. Just promise to read it within 30 days, spread the word and write a review. Pretty cool huh! This offer ends September 15, 2009.
Question: Today’s question is a follow up to an earlier blog about setting boundaries with parents who have been abusive toward you as an adult or disrespectful of your boundaries. Here is the reader’s dilemma:
I believe I’ve set proper boundaries with both parents (they’re divorced) and I’m at peace with that in itself, but I’m still having a hard time emotionally letting go of my extended family. How can I stop feeling guilty? My mother doesn’t see that my need to still enforce boundaries isn’t unforgiveness, but caution and a desire to ensure my children’s safety. On the other side, my father and step-mother are pressuring us to move closer to them so they can spend more time with their grandchildren. I can’t win with either parent and I feel like I’m being treated like a child. I’m almost to the point of cutting ties with both of them. My husband has been 100% in agreement with my stand and is very supportive.
However, I display anger mixed with guilt whenever I encounter any of them. I’m still hopeful that God is working through this situation and I fear that cutting ties with them is not the answer. Please advise.
Answer: I agree with you. I don’t think totally cutting off ties with your family is the answer. Learning to let go of the guilt of displeasing them or making them unhappy is. I think women struggle with this more than men. We want others, especially our parents, to be happy with us, approve of our decisions and think we made good choices. When they show their disapproval or disappointment with our choices, we tend to second guess our decisions, and/or feel guilty for going against what they want or think is best.
I remember when I decided to hold my son back from starting school until he turned 6. This was unheard of twenty-five years ago and my extended family didn’t understand, nor did they think it was smart. They were entitled to disagree, but I found it hard to forge ahead without second guessing myself or feeling a twinge of guilt for going against the family norm.
Part of being a healthy adult (emotionally) is the ability to make decisions for yourself without feeling like you need every one else’s approval and to tolerate their disapproval without getting undone.
I like the story in Mark 1 where Jesus went to Peter’s home for a short reprieve from ministry. However, before long, the text says the whole town gathered at the door bringing sick and needy people to Jesus for healing. Jesus graciously ministered to the group, but at some point we know he stopped and went to sleep because it says, “early the next morning Jesus went out to pray.” Before long, Peter comes looking for Jesus telling him to come back to the house because everyone is still waiting for him. Apparently there were people who were yet unhealed, waiting for Jesus.
Jesus’ answer is somewhat shocking. He says he’s not going back. In fact, he’s going on to Jerusalem to preach because that’s why he’s come. Imagine all the people left who were angry and disappointed in Jesus. Perhaps even the disciples disapproved of Jesus’ decision.
If Jesus, who was perfect, couldn’t please everyone and make them happy all of the time, neither can we. Your mother, father, and step-mother may be disappointed that you’re not willing to live your life like they want you to. It may be in big areas like moving closer to home, or even in little areas like coming to dinner every Sunday afternoon or allowing them to take the children overnight.
Part of your continued growth right now is to respectfully disagree and do what’s in the best interest of your husband and children. When the scriptures tell us to leave and cleave, I believe it’s not just a physical leaving but also an emotional one. You are not a bad daughter if you don’t make them happy all of the time or disagree with their ideas. But you must also let go of the idea that they will always agree with yours.
So I’d encourage you to do the work you need to do right now to let go of the guilt and internal voices of condemnation that are eating at you. Those are the things that are triggering your anger. When you can break free of those things, then you will be able to disagree and not feel that tug of guilt.
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