Question: My husband desperately wants us to have another baby (we already have three children under the age of eight). While I love being a mom, I feel our family is complete, and I don’t want to try for a fourth. I’m getting older, and our finances are stretched as is. We argue over this – and it’s affecting our intimacy. Any suggestions?
Answer: Children are indeed a blessing from God but as a mom I know that the daily responsibilities of caring for small children can be exhausting. I sense that you’re not only stretched financially right now but maxed out physically and emotionally as well.
Instead of arguing about whether to have another child, here are some things I’d like you to consider so that you can have a productive conversation with your husband. My prayer for both of you is that you will be able to talk in such a way so that together you can make the best choice for your family.
Whether or not to have a baby is too important a decision to make without being in agreement. I have counseled couples over the years where one person felt pressured to have another child that they didn’t want, or feel ready for. The additional responsibilities often brought more conflict to an already distressed marriage.
First, remember. How have you and your husband made other important family decisions? Do you go away for a day, take a walk or discuss the issue over a quiet dinner? Can you talk and pray until you come to a decision that you both agree is best for your family? Or are frequent arguments typical? When a decision has to be made, does it often feel like one wins and the other loses?
Second, listen. You say your husband has a strong desire to have another child (your words are “he’s desperate”). Ask him to explain his intense feelings and his reasons for desiring another child at this time. Listen respectfully and be considerate (Phil 2:4). Although his feelings are important, they are not the only factor in making a life-changing decision.
Third, evaluate. You indicate that from your perspective your family is complete and your resources are stretched. Together determine how much he contributes to the daily physical, emotional and spiritual care of your children and home responsibilities. Is he willing to do more? After taking care of your 3 children, do you have time, energy and some money left over to spend together as a couple?
Finally, wait. A compromise might be that you stop arguing about this and agree to postpone the decision whether to have a fourth child until your other children get older. Meanwhile, invest whatever extra resources you have in building a strong marriage. That’s the best thing you can do for yourselves and your children.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
How Do I Talk About My Ex-Husband With the Kids?
Question: I left my ex-husband 10 years ago because of his abusive behavior toward myself and my oldest child. The children have had to maintain court-ordered relationship with him. My son was older and he has been able to maintain his dad at a safe distance. Our daughter was always his little princess. She has no memory of the abuse as she was too young when I left.
I get comments from people that I should never speak ill of their father to them and that I should encourage a positive relationship, but how do I do that when he has such a continuing pattern of lying and passive aggressive behavior? The mind games concern me, especially when it affects my daughter’s spiritual walk. We try to teach the truth from the scriptures but when he contradicts things how can we correct her thinking without bashing him? Once my daughter witnessed a violent outburst where he screamed obscenities but he excused himself because he was tired and she bought it. How do I deal with that?
Answer: It is difficult but not impossible. Children do best when they have a positive relationship with both parents however awful one person has been in the marriage. Children want to believe the best about their parents and want to feel that they are loved and important, even if the marriage failed.
That doesn’t mean that you never contradict what your ex-husband says to your children but you try very hard not to disparage his character. In other words you might say something like, “Daddy and I disagree on this subject. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we believe that God’s Word speaks truth and that is what we are going to believe or do in our family.”
What you don’t want to say is, “Daddy is crazy.” Or “Daddy is a liar.” When you know he is not portraying the situation truthfully, you could say, “Daddy and I see things differently. I don’t know why he is saying that but I don’t see it that way, or I don’t think it happened that way.”
However, if he is violent and/or abusive, you must not cover up, make excuses or create another reality. So in the above situation you might say, “Daddy lost his temper. Yes he was tired, but that doesn’t mean we can hurt people with our words just because we are tired. Let’s pray that daddy will learn to control his temper even when he’s tired.” Framing it that way enables her to continue to have compassion toward her father, but you are also helping her learn that each person is responsible for the way they behave, regardless of the circumstances.
If he is a danger to your daughter (driving recklessly, drinking while she visits, being abusive towards her), then you may need to take firmer measures like court ordered visitation. Again without disparaging his character you could say, “Right now daddy has some problems that he needs to get help for. Until he does, I can’t allow you to visit with him unsupervised.”
At some point it may be important to communicate with your ex-husband about issues you are concerned with. I would recommend you do it in writing – through e-mail so that you have a documented trail of your correspondence. Be factual and describe your concerns in concrete terms. For example, “I want Amy to have a good relationship with you. I will do everything I can to encourage that. However when you consume alcohol during her visits (or whatever your specific concern is) it puts me in a protective stance. I cannot allow Amy to visit you when I feel she could be in danger.”
There are no easy answers in this kind of dilemma. You will not do it perfectly but I sense that your heart wants as much as possible to give your children the best opportunity for form some sort of relationship with their father. The bible encourages us as much as it depends on us, be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18) but sometimes it is just not possible because you cannot make peace all by yourself.
I get comments from people that I should never speak ill of their father to them and that I should encourage a positive relationship, but how do I do that when he has such a continuing pattern of lying and passive aggressive behavior? The mind games concern me, especially when it affects my daughter’s spiritual walk. We try to teach the truth from the scriptures but when he contradicts things how can we correct her thinking without bashing him? Once my daughter witnessed a violent outburst where he screamed obscenities but he excused himself because he was tired and she bought it. How do I deal with that?
Answer: It is difficult but not impossible. Children do best when they have a positive relationship with both parents however awful one person has been in the marriage. Children want to believe the best about their parents and want to feel that they are loved and important, even if the marriage failed.
That doesn’t mean that you never contradict what your ex-husband says to your children but you try very hard not to disparage his character. In other words you might say something like, “Daddy and I disagree on this subject. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we believe that God’s Word speaks truth and that is what we are going to believe or do in our family.”
What you don’t want to say is, “Daddy is crazy.” Or “Daddy is a liar.” When you know he is not portraying the situation truthfully, you could say, “Daddy and I see things differently. I don’t know why he is saying that but I don’t see it that way, or I don’t think it happened that way.”
However, if he is violent and/or abusive, you must not cover up, make excuses or create another reality. So in the above situation you might say, “Daddy lost his temper. Yes he was tired, but that doesn’t mean we can hurt people with our words just because we are tired. Let’s pray that daddy will learn to control his temper even when he’s tired.” Framing it that way enables her to continue to have compassion toward her father, but you are also helping her learn that each person is responsible for the way they behave, regardless of the circumstances.
If he is a danger to your daughter (driving recklessly, drinking while she visits, being abusive towards her), then you may need to take firmer measures like court ordered visitation. Again without disparaging his character you could say, “Right now daddy has some problems that he needs to get help for. Until he does, I can’t allow you to visit with him unsupervised.”
At some point it may be important to communicate with your ex-husband about issues you are concerned with. I would recommend you do it in writing – through e-mail so that you have a documented trail of your correspondence. Be factual and describe your concerns in concrete terms. For example, “I want Amy to have a good relationship with you. I will do everything I can to encourage that. However when you consume alcohol during her visits (or whatever your specific concern is) it puts me in a protective stance. I cannot allow Amy to visit you when I feel she could be in danger.”
There are no easy answers in this kind of dilemma. You will not do it perfectly but I sense that your heart wants as much as possible to give your children the best opportunity for form some sort of relationship with their father. The bible encourages us as much as it depends on us, be at peace with all people (Romans 12:18) but sometimes it is just not possible because you cannot make peace all by yourself.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Help, I crave female attention
Question: I struggle greatly with craving female affection and approval, especially romantic and sexual affection. I crave being prized by a woman in those ways. To have that means I am a worthy man. To not have it means I am nothing. I understand that this is idolatry, but I really don’t know how to overcome it at all. How does God’s Word shed light on the lies implicit in this idolatry?
Answer: I’m glad you asked. I think women often can identify with your problem but men struggle with it too. The first step is recognizing your problem and correctly identifying it. So many times we get stuck because we can’t even see that what we are seeking is idolatrous. So you’re on the right track.
In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I say “When we give someone the power to define us, we give them the power to control us.” That said, you have given women the power to define you as worthy or as nothing, depending on how they treat you or whether or not they desire you sexually. The tricky part in all of this is that God has wired us to desire to be desired and wanted by the opposite sex. If we had no desire in this area, there would be no marriage or no children. When God told Adam that it is not good to be alone, he created Eve as a partner, to help him, to encourage him and be his lifelong companion.
That said, your problem goes deeper than a desire for connection. In fact, you didn’t state it but you very well may be married. There are those who are married who still crave attention, affirmation and approval from the opposite sex. He or she feels insecure as a person and continually looks to external markers (in your case women) to prove or validate personal worth.
Your question is how does God’s word shed light on this idolatry? The answer is two-fold, putting off and putting on (Ephesians 4). I’m sure your familiar with Paul’s writing since you’re articulate in the themes of idolatry but your internal orientation (identity) is people centered (specifically female centered) instead of God centered. Although intellectually you know you are valued and loved by God that feels insufficient to your internal identity and well-being. You’re feeling self NEEDS a female voice, a woman’s touch, her approval to say you’re OK. Your craving is driven by an anxious need to confirm your maleness and your worth. Paul says, “Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy.”
What is the deception, the lies that you may need to put off? “I’m nothing if I’m not desired by a woman.” “I NEED to have a woman want me in order to feel OK.” “I’m afraid to be alone.” “I’m worthless without someone loving me and affirming me.”
Scripture is rich with the themes of God’s passionate love for his creation and his pursuit of us. I think some reading in Jeremiah would be helpful, especially the first 10 chapters. The Israelites abandoned the one and true God for lies, for worthless idols, broken cisterns, false gods. They believe these other gods will satisfy, but they never do. Think about it, does the embrace of a woman ever erase the deep inner emptiness that you struggle with or does it merely sooth the top layer? Even when you’re with someone who is affirming you in one moment, the next moment you’re anxious whether or not it will last.
So how does one put off deception and put on truth? How does one break free from those inner lies that have such deep roots and renew his or her mind with the truth so that we actually feel different inside?
Identity is formed and forged in relationship. Therefore you need to spend time in God’s Presence. His words are healing but only when we take them in and believe them. Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent forth his word and healed them.” This doesn’t merely mean studying scripture and memorizing versus that tell you God loves you. It means that The Word that became flesh, (Jesus) as John tells us in John 1, becomes more real to you and that his Presence and his words sink deep in your inner being and change you.
There was a woman in scripture who had a similar problem as you do. Read about her in John 4. She had 5 husbands and was currently living with a man who she wasn’t married to. She was a woman who craved male attention. Jesus offered her something that would truly satisfy her craving. He called it living water. In this single encounter with The WORD, this woman was transformed. She no longer was just an immoral, Samaritan woman. She knew she was a deeply loved woman. Her identity changed and we see evidence of this when she ran back into her town, telling the people about her experience and they actually believed her. They must have seen the change in her.
For most of us, this process takes longer than a single encounter. We need to learn to practice his presence and Satan does everything he can to keep us out of the presence. I’d encourage you to seek out some personal counseling with a godly counselor that can help you take these next steps.
Answer: I’m glad you asked. I think women often can identify with your problem but men struggle with it too. The first step is recognizing your problem and correctly identifying it. So many times we get stuck because we can’t even see that what we are seeking is idolatrous. So you’re on the right track.
In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I say “When we give someone the power to define us, we give them the power to control us.” That said, you have given women the power to define you as worthy or as nothing, depending on how they treat you or whether or not they desire you sexually. The tricky part in all of this is that God has wired us to desire to be desired and wanted by the opposite sex. If we had no desire in this area, there would be no marriage or no children. When God told Adam that it is not good to be alone, he created Eve as a partner, to help him, to encourage him and be his lifelong companion.
That said, your problem goes deeper than a desire for connection. In fact, you didn’t state it but you very well may be married. There are those who are married who still crave attention, affirmation and approval from the opposite sex. He or she feels insecure as a person and continually looks to external markers (in your case women) to prove or validate personal worth.
Your question is how does God’s word shed light on this idolatry? The answer is two-fold, putting off and putting on (Ephesians 4). I’m sure your familiar with Paul’s writing since you’re articulate in the themes of idolatry but your internal orientation (identity) is people centered (specifically female centered) instead of God centered. Although intellectually you know you are valued and loved by God that feels insufficient to your internal identity and well-being. You’re feeling self NEEDS a female voice, a woman’s touch, her approval to say you’re OK. Your craving is driven by an anxious need to confirm your maleness and your worth. Paul says, “Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy.”
What is the deception, the lies that you may need to put off? “I’m nothing if I’m not desired by a woman.” “I NEED to have a woman want me in order to feel OK.” “I’m afraid to be alone.” “I’m worthless without someone loving me and affirming me.”
Scripture is rich with the themes of God’s passionate love for his creation and his pursuit of us. I think some reading in Jeremiah would be helpful, especially the first 10 chapters. The Israelites abandoned the one and true God for lies, for worthless idols, broken cisterns, false gods. They believe these other gods will satisfy, but they never do. Think about it, does the embrace of a woman ever erase the deep inner emptiness that you struggle with or does it merely sooth the top layer? Even when you’re with someone who is affirming you in one moment, the next moment you’re anxious whether or not it will last.
So how does one put off deception and put on truth? How does one break free from those inner lies that have such deep roots and renew his or her mind with the truth so that we actually feel different inside?
Identity is formed and forged in relationship. Therefore you need to spend time in God’s Presence. His words are healing but only when we take them in and believe them. Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent forth his word and healed them.” This doesn’t merely mean studying scripture and memorizing versus that tell you God loves you. It means that The Word that became flesh, (Jesus) as John tells us in John 1, becomes more real to you and that his Presence and his words sink deep in your inner being and change you.
There was a woman in scripture who had a similar problem as you do. Read about her in John 4. She had 5 husbands and was currently living with a man who she wasn’t married to. She was a woman who craved male attention. Jesus offered her something that would truly satisfy her craving. He called it living water. In this single encounter with The WORD, this woman was transformed. She no longer was just an immoral, Samaritan woman. She knew she was a deeply loved woman. Her identity changed and we see evidence of this when she ran back into her town, telling the people about her experience and they actually believed her. They must have seen the change in her.
For most of us, this process takes longer than a single encounter. We need to learn to practice his presence and Satan does everything he can to keep us out of the presence. I’d encourage you to seek out some personal counseling with a godly counselor that can help you take these next steps.
Monday, October 5, 2009
How Can I Know God's Will?
This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I’ve written another blog on it if you’d like to have a Biblical Response to Domestic Violence check out www.christianpsych.org/wp_scp/blog/
My book Lord, I Just Want to be Happy has been released. TODAY (Monday October 5, 2009), there is a ½ price special on my website at www.cart.leslievernick/category/books/ You can purchase the book for $6.50 plus shipping and handling
Question: Today’s question is one that we all face from time to time. The question is, “How can you know God’s perfect will for your life?” My answer is taken from chapter 1 of my book How to Live Right When Life Goes Wrong, if you’d like to know more about understanding the will of God.
Answer: As a Christian counselor, one of the areas I find many people agonize over is the thought that they have made a terrible mistake and as a result have forfeited God’s best for their lives. Perhaps they think they should have married someone else, or not married they person they did. Maybe they wish they would have chosen a different career path or a different job. Now they feel trapped, wishing they could go back, do it over and make different decisions. Over the years, some of us may have made bad choices, ones that directly contradict God’s word. Other times we have tried hard to discern God’s will, but at times still end up unsure, questioning whether we made the right decision.
Sam was offered a wonderful job opportunity with a new company in California. He prayed about it, had the endorsement of his wife and kids and other good friends and believed that God was giving him the green light to accept this new job. After only five short months the company went out of business and Sam and his family were left with no income, no benefits and a lot of bills. “I really thought I heard the Lord tell me to move,” Sam said as he scratched his head bewildered. “How do you ever know what God’s will is or if you’re making the right decision?”
Like Sam, most of us look at temporal things—like success, personal happiness and good results in order to confirm that our decision was in line with God’s will. Had Sam’s company continued to prosper, Sam would have not have doubted his decision as God’s will. No one who is happily married has second guessed whether she married the right person. We have been taught that if something is God’s will then good results or blessings will follow. If bad things happen, we conclude it is because we must have stepped out of God’s will.
But is this way of thinking Biblical? The apostle Paul thought he was doing God’s will but ended up being shipwrecked (Acts 27). Perhaps God’s will isn’t discerned by looking at the temporal benefits of a decision but in looking at the eternal results. What if God’s primary plan is not to make us successful or prosperous in this life, but to make us more like his Son in the messiness of real life? Is it possible that Sam discerned God’s will correctly after all? Sam was to move to California with this new job, but not for any temporal pleasures he might have attained with a great job and a secure income. It was God’s will that Sam move to California because the hardship that would come from losing his job would build into Sam and his family’s life, the character qualities of Jesus.
Knowing God’s will can be less stressful than we often perceive it to be. Peter tells us rather simply that it is God’s will that we be holy (1 Peter 1:16). Let’s look at this idea more specifically in three spheres of our lives: The things he wants us to be, the things he wants us to do and the personal choices we make.
What We Know God Wants Us To Be
There are many passages in the Bible where God clearly tells us what His he wants us to be. Throughout His Word God tells us to be loving, forbearing, patient, kind, forgiving, generous, thankful, fruitful, humble, obedient, faithful, self-controlled, pure and a myriad of other descriptions of character traits that He’d like us to develop. In these passages, God tells us directly and specifically what we are to be or become. The apostle Paul tells us to be “imitators of God, and live a life of love” (Eph. 5:1). These Christ-like character traits are not learned from books or by sitting in church but are often gained through the trials and tribulations that God allows in our life that stretch us and work out our spiritual muscles so that we might grow to be more like Him.
What We Know God Wants Us To Do
Furthermore, His word already tells us a great deal already about what we are to do as believers. He tells us that wherever we are we are to pray without ceasing, to love our enemies, to bless those who hurt us, to speak the truth in love, to spread the gospel, to help widows and orphans, to encourage one another, to submit to one another, to glorify God, to bear one another’s burdens, to overcome evil with good and more. These Christ-like character qualities are to become the attitudes and actions of the Christian who wants to be holy and thus be in God’s will. So often we agonize over trying to figure out God’s will when He already tells us ninety percent of what we are to be and what we are to do in His word.
Personal Choice Within The Wisdom Of God’s Word
Making personal choices is the last sphere of knowing God’s will. It is often the one where we struggle the most. Should I go to Christian College X, Christian College Y or Secular University ABC? Do I become a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or a missionary? Should I marry Tony or Dave? Sam’s decision about moving to California to take the job offer fell into this category. These type of decisions are often made using a combination of God’s word, wisdom, the counsel of others and personal preference. It is sometimes in this area where we question whether we have made an awful mistake and missed God’s will.
Sally always doubted whether she married the right man. Jim was a believer but at the time she married him, Sally wasn’t quite sure he was God’s best for her. For years she doubted her decision. As a result, Sally felt trapped in a marriage she thought might be less than God’s absolute best.
However, if we can believe that God’s preeminent will is to conform us to the image of Christ, then any decision that we make, God can and does use for that purpose. This does not mean we should throw caution to the wind and make reckless choices. The book of Proverbs tells us the benefits of making wise decisions and the consequences of foolishness. However, we need never fear that if we have made a decision that results in difficulties or hardships, whether because of foolish decision making or because we stepped out in faith believing something was God’s will but now, like in Sam’s case, everything has gone wrong, that God’s will has been thwarted. Sam and his family, as a result of moving out to California and losing his job, will have the opportunity to learn how to pray more, how to forgive and love their enemy, how to trust God more than they ever have before, how to develop and practice perseverance and patience, how to overcome evil with good and how move their faith from head knowledge to living, dynamic trust. Is this not God’s will— Plan A par excellence?
God can and does bring us back to Plan A—His best plan for our lives because He never deviates from that plan, no matter what decisions we make. He tells us in Romans 8:28 and 29 that He will cause all things, the good decisions we make and the bad ones to work together for our good for those of us who love God. Too often we define our good as temporal happiness or personal satisfaction. But God defines our good as being conformed to the image of Christ (see verse 29). That promise has no time limit. There are no Plan B’s, for His promise is that He who has begun a good work in us, will finish it (Philippians 1:6).
My book Lord, I Just Want to be Happy has been released. TODAY (Monday October 5, 2009), there is a ½ price special on my website at www.cart.leslievernick/category/books/ You can purchase the book for $6.50 plus shipping and handling
Question: Today’s question is one that we all face from time to time. The question is, “How can you know God’s perfect will for your life?” My answer is taken from chapter 1 of my book How to Live Right When Life Goes Wrong, if you’d like to know more about understanding the will of God.
Answer: As a Christian counselor, one of the areas I find many people agonize over is the thought that they have made a terrible mistake and as a result have forfeited God’s best for their lives. Perhaps they think they should have married someone else, or not married they person they did. Maybe they wish they would have chosen a different career path or a different job. Now they feel trapped, wishing they could go back, do it over and make different decisions. Over the years, some of us may have made bad choices, ones that directly contradict God’s word. Other times we have tried hard to discern God’s will, but at times still end up unsure, questioning whether we made the right decision.
Sam was offered a wonderful job opportunity with a new company in California. He prayed about it, had the endorsement of his wife and kids and other good friends and believed that God was giving him the green light to accept this new job. After only five short months the company went out of business and Sam and his family were left with no income, no benefits and a lot of bills. “I really thought I heard the Lord tell me to move,” Sam said as he scratched his head bewildered. “How do you ever know what God’s will is or if you’re making the right decision?”
Like Sam, most of us look at temporal things—like success, personal happiness and good results in order to confirm that our decision was in line with God’s will. Had Sam’s company continued to prosper, Sam would have not have doubted his decision as God’s will. No one who is happily married has second guessed whether she married the right person. We have been taught that if something is God’s will then good results or blessings will follow. If bad things happen, we conclude it is because we must have stepped out of God’s will.
But is this way of thinking Biblical? The apostle Paul thought he was doing God’s will but ended up being shipwrecked (Acts 27). Perhaps God’s will isn’t discerned by looking at the temporal benefits of a decision but in looking at the eternal results. What if God’s primary plan is not to make us successful or prosperous in this life, but to make us more like his Son in the messiness of real life? Is it possible that Sam discerned God’s will correctly after all? Sam was to move to California with this new job, but not for any temporal pleasures he might have attained with a great job and a secure income. It was God’s will that Sam move to California because the hardship that would come from losing his job would build into Sam and his family’s life, the character qualities of Jesus.
Knowing God’s will can be less stressful than we often perceive it to be. Peter tells us rather simply that it is God’s will that we be holy (1 Peter 1:16). Let’s look at this idea more specifically in three spheres of our lives: The things he wants us to be, the things he wants us to do and the personal choices we make.
What We Know God Wants Us To Be
There are many passages in the Bible where God clearly tells us what His he wants us to be. Throughout His Word God tells us to be loving, forbearing, patient, kind, forgiving, generous, thankful, fruitful, humble, obedient, faithful, self-controlled, pure and a myriad of other descriptions of character traits that He’d like us to develop. In these passages, God tells us directly and specifically what we are to be or become. The apostle Paul tells us to be “imitators of God, and live a life of love” (Eph. 5:1). These Christ-like character traits are not learned from books or by sitting in church but are often gained through the trials and tribulations that God allows in our life that stretch us and work out our spiritual muscles so that we might grow to be more like Him.
What We Know God Wants Us To Do
Furthermore, His word already tells us a great deal already about what we are to do as believers. He tells us that wherever we are we are to pray without ceasing, to love our enemies, to bless those who hurt us, to speak the truth in love, to spread the gospel, to help widows and orphans, to encourage one another, to submit to one another, to glorify God, to bear one another’s burdens, to overcome evil with good and more. These Christ-like character qualities are to become the attitudes and actions of the Christian who wants to be holy and thus be in God’s will. So often we agonize over trying to figure out God’s will when He already tells us ninety percent of what we are to be and what we are to do in His word.
Personal Choice Within The Wisdom Of God’s Word
Making personal choices is the last sphere of knowing God’s will. It is often the one where we struggle the most. Should I go to Christian College X, Christian College Y or Secular University ABC? Do I become a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or a missionary? Should I marry Tony or Dave? Sam’s decision about moving to California to take the job offer fell into this category. These type of decisions are often made using a combination of God’s word, wisdom, the counsel of others and personal preference. It is sometimes in this area where we question whether we have made an awful mistake and missed God’s will.
Sally always doubted whether she married the right man. Jim was a believer but at the time she married him, Sally wasn’t quite sure he was God’s best for her. For years she doubted her decision. As a result, Sally felt trapped in a marriage she thought might be less than God’s absolute best.
However, if we can believe that God’s preeminent will is to conform us to the image of Christ, then any decision that we make, God can and does use for that purpose. This does not mean we should throw caution to the wind and make reckless choices. The book of Proverbs tells us the benefits of making wise decisions and the consequences of foolishness. However, we need never fear that if we have made a decision that results in difficulties or hardships, whether because of foolish decision making or because we stepped out in faith believing something was God’s will but now, like in Sam’s case, everything has gone wrong, that God’s will has been thwarted. Sam and his family, as a result of moving out to California and losing his job, will have the opportunity to learn how to pray more, how to forgive and love their enemy, how to trust God more than they ever have before, how to develop and practice perseverance and patience, how to overcome evil with good and how move their faith from head knowledge to living, dynamic trust. Is this not God’s will— Plan A par excellence?
God can and does bring us back to Plan A—His best plan for our lives because He never deviates from that plan, no matter what decisions we make. He tells us in Romans 8:28 and 29 that He will cause all things, the good decisions we make and the bad ones to work together for our good for those of us who love God. Too often we define our good as temporal happiness or personal satisfaction. But God defines our good as being conformed to the image of Christ (see verse 29). That promise has no time limit. There are no Plan B’s, for His promise is that He who has begun a good work in us, will finish it (Philippians 1:6).
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