Q. I've been a Christian for a long time. I believe in the Bible and have asked Jesus to forgive my sins but I want to experience a deeper spiritual life. I don't really know what it means to practice God's presence or abide in him. Can you help me learn how to do this?
A. I know what you mean. For a long time in my own Christian life I knew the right things to believe and believed them but I didn’t understand what I could do other than read my bible and pray to experience a closer walk with God. Many of us never receive any training in learning how to experience God's presence or how to listen for his still small voice. We know we should but actually knowing what to do to make that more likely to happen isn't taught very often.
I don't claim to be an expert in this. I am still learning so I will share some of my observations and experiences with you and some ways I have learned to experience God more fully. Perhaps other's can comment so that we can collectively learn other ways that we have learned to abide in Christ and he in us.
First we are not going to experience God if we are too busy to hear him or even notice him. God assures his people that he is always present with us (Hebrews 13:5) but we are not often present to him. He says he is in us, all around us, and Paul reminds us that “in him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). We are never alone (Luke 17:21) and so the problem isn't figuring out how to get God to be present to us, but rather how to get us to be aware of God's Presence that is already with us.
Recently I was struck by the words of Job. He said, "Behold he passes by me and I see him not; he moves on me but I do not perceive him" (Job 9:11). God is in us and with us but we don't perceive him. In another example, Jacob woke up from his sleep and said, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I wasn't even aware of it" (Genesis 28:16).
So how do we learn to be more aware of God? First, slowing down and being still is key to perceiving God’s Presence. He tells us to “be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Our lives are so full of noise that we must be intentional about creating pockets for quiet and stillness. I’d recommend making silence a regular part of your daily prayer. I have discovered that prayer is much more about listening for God than telling him what he already knows. Start with 5 minutes of silence and work up to 20-30 minutes each day. When distracting thoughts start swirling around in your mind, just gently let them go and return to being still.
One way of thinking of this period of silence is being willing, eager and open for God to make himself known. You can’t make yourself “see” him or “perceive” him anymore than you can make a seed take root. But you can make it more likely that a seed will take root if you prepare the soil and water the ground. In the same way, practicing the discipline of stillness and silence, prepares you heart to “notice” the Presence of God more readily. It prepares your heart to be “in tune” with a larger spiritual reality that is always there, but like radio waves or cell phone waves, we can’t “experience” them unless we are tuned in to the right frequency.
A second way to be more present to God is to spend more time in nature. The psalmist declares that “The heavens declare the glory of God.” Paul tells us that we can know God by observing the natural world. (Romans 1:19,20), but instead of honoring him and thanking him we exchanged the truth of God for a lie and became foolish and our hearts were darkened.
As I write this I am vacationing in Hawaii. It is hard to not experience God’s Presence amidst such beauty. But our busyness and priority on productivity robs us of actually experiencing beauty even though it may be all around us. How many times do we fail to notice what is right in our own backyard just because we are too busy getting things done or worrying about the next thing on our list of errands or chores? Slowing down and intentionally paying attention to what is already there, helps us be more able to be present to those God moments as well.
Lastly, Jesus tells us throughout the gospels, especially in the book of John, that abiding in him and in his word is key to experiencing his Presence. Abide means to stay close and connected. It is an experiential knowing, not an intellectual assent. The Word of God isn’t merely the scriptures; it is Jesus himself (John 1:1-14). How close would you feel to someone if he or she was always too busy doing other things to spend time with you? How connected would you feel if whatever he or she said you didn’t remember, or didn’t believe or think was important? Sadly, Jesus told the religious leaders “my word finds no place in you” (John 8:37). Although they had the very "Word" right in their midst, they failed to recognize him.
Instead of seeing your time with God as one more thing to “do” in your day, begin to cherish your time with God as if you were a lover in love and see what happens. As you read God’s words to you, ask him what he wants you to pay attention to. When something jumps out at you, like Mary, Jesus' mother did, take time to ponder it in your heart. I believe as you do these things, you will become much more aware of God in you and with you.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Am I Controlling?
Question: My wife says I’m manipulative and controlling. I don’t think I am. Let me give you an example. We have been separated for about a year, but recently we were out to dinner. While we were sitting there, she was friendly to some other patrons (policemen who she knew). She wasn’t flirting but I felt slighted and insulted that she was ignoring me. I told her how I felt and she accused me of being controlling. Is that true? I don’t see it?
Answer: First, let me applaud you for even asking the question. Most people when given that kind of feedback totally ignore or discount it. The fact that you are asking the question suggests that you might be open to the possibility that it’s true, even if you don’t see it.
Manipulating and controlling behaviors are often subtle and hard to prove in the moment. They become much more obvious over time. If we just take this one incident, you might find it difficult to see your behavior as controlling. I think most people feel a little uncomfortable when they are out to eat with someone and that person has an extended conversation with someone else and does not include us, whether it is in person or on a cell phone or even texting.
So the only way we can truly answer this question is to examine your patterns over time, especially in relation to your interactions with your spouse. As you do this, you may begin to see a pattern of manipulative and controlling behaviors emerge.
Most people who use these kinds of behaviors don’t usually recognize them as wrong or harmful it’s just the way they have learned to cope with uncomfortable or painful emotions or ways they’ve learned to get their own way or what they want from others. Underneath these dysfunctional behaviors are usually attitudes of entitlement as well as unrealistic expectations of how others should be or how they should treat you.
For example, perhaps you felt insulted at the restaurant because you believed that you were entitled to your wife’s undivided attention and anything less than that meant that she wasn’t interested in you or your conversations. Ask yourself were you attempting to control her friendliness with others by making her feel guilty about “slighting” you.
Or you may believe, “A wife should never talk with other men, even as friends. If she does, that means she doesn’t love me or I’m not most important.” Again your response to her indicates that you had some expectations of her to give you her undivided attention the entire time you were together. You didn’t say how long she was engaged with the policeman, but was it extensive or just a few minutes?
Here are a few more ways people manipulate and control others. Read through the list. Perhaps you will recognize some ways where you attempt to get your wife to do what you want through these methods.
Argue: You don’t take no for an answer but rather continue to make your point over and over again until she wears down and finally agrees with you. The underlying message is it’s not okay for her to disagree or have her own opinion.
Begging: “Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? Continuing to ask, beg and plead until she changes her mind. The underlying message is you are not allowed to say no.
Bargaining: “If you do this, then I’ll give you….. A bribe to get her to do or not do what you want. You use favors as a means to manipulate someone into doing something that they would not have wanted to do otherwise.
Guilt Trips: You might say, “You’re not following God or you’re being an unsubmissive wife or God hates divorce or if you really loved me or our children you would…..” The message here is that if you don’t’ do what I think you should do, God will really be upset with you or I won’t be able to handle it or you are not a good/godly person.
Micromanaging: This is usually in the areas of time and money where one person makes the other person feel like a subordinate employee or child. They are not allowed to make their own decisions or handle their own life without asking your permission.
Misquoting or Twisting: “You said……” when in reality the person didn’t say it that way but you twist what they said to suit your own purposes. For example, “You said we were going to get back together soon, when what she really said was, “I don’t know if we can get back together soon.”
Playing Holy Spirit: We are all tempted to do this when confronting someone with his or her sin. But it is not our job to convict or change someone else’s behavior to line up to what he think it should be. When we see someone caught in a sin or trespass, we can try to restore such a one in a spirit of humility and gentleness (Galatians 6:1) but if we try to hold someone accountable to a change that they have not initiated, we are attempting to play God in his or her life.
Promises: I will do anything, just ……… Whether or not you keep your promise is irrelevant. You use a promise to get her to do something you want her to do.
Punishing actions: Using physical, sexual, economic, or verbal pressure, abuse or tactics to punish her for not doing what you think she should do. You might stop paying the bills, close the bank account, curse at her, call her names, accuse her of things, tell friends and neighbors untrue things about her to teach her a lesson for not doing what you want her to do. You feel justified because she did something “wrong” and won’t change or stop or admit she was wrong.
Irritation or Silence: I am so bothered or angry that you won’t do what I want that I won’t speak with you or treat you kindly until you change and do what I want.
Threats: Threatening to leave, to hurt one’s self or others, to hurt something she loves like her pet, her parents, her children, her stuff if she doesn’t do what you want her to do.
Some of these overlap and many are used in conjunction to try to get someone to do something we think they should do or to stop doing something that we don’t want them to do. When we do that we certainly are trying to control their behavior and often their thinking and that is not our place.
If you see yourself in these examples, that’s a good start but it usually doesn’t result in permanent changes unless you begin to invite your wife and others to tell you when you fall back into them. Then it is your responsibility to learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable emotions that you may feel when she disagrees with you, doesn’t want to do what you want her to do or wants to do something different, in a mature way.
Answer: First, let me applaud you for even asking the question. Most people when given that kind of feedback totally ignore or discount it. The fact that you are asking the question suggests that you might be open to the possibility that it’s true, even if you don’t see it.
Manipulating and controlling behaviors are often subtle and hard to prove in the moment. They become much more obvious over time. If we just take this one incident, you might find it difficult to see your behavior as controlling. I think most people feel a little uncomfortable when they are out to eat with someone and that person has an extended conversation with someone else and does not include us, whether it is in person or on a cell phone or even texting.
So the only way we can truly answer this question is to examine your patterns over time, especially in relation to your interactions with your spouse. As you do this, you may begin to see a pattern of manipulative and controlling behaviors emerge.
Most people who use these kinds of behaviors don’t usually recognize them as wrong or harmful it’s just the way they have learned to cope with uncomfortable or painful emotions or ways they’ve learned to get their own way or what they want from others. Underneath these dysfunctional behaviors are usually attitudes of entitlement as well as unrealistic expectations of how others should be or how they should treat you.
For example, perhaps you felt insulted at the restaurant because you believed that you were entitled to your wife’s undivided attention and anything less than that meant that she wasn’t interested in you or your conversations. Ask yourself were you attempting to control her friendliness with others by making her feel guilty about “slighting” you.
Or you may believe, “A wife should never talk with other men, even as friends. If she does, that means she doesn’t love me or I’m not most important.” Again your response to her indicates that you had some expectations of her to give you her undivided attention the entire time you were together. You didn’t say how long she was engaged with the policeman, but was it extensive or just a few minutes?
Here are a few more ways people manipulate and control others. Read through the list. Perhaps you will recognize some ways where you attempt to get your wife to do what you want through these methods.
Argue: You don’t take no for an answer but rather continue to make your point over and over again until she wears down and finally agrees with you. The underlying message is it’s not okay for her to disagree or have her own opinion.
Begging: “Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? Continuing to ask, beg and plead until she changes her mind. The underlying message is you are not allowed to say no.
Bargaining: “If you do this, then I’ll give you….. A bribe to get her to do or not do what you want. You use favors as a means to manipulate someone into doing something that they would not have wanted to do otherwise.
Guilt Trips: You might say, “You’re not following God or you’re being an unsubmissive wife or God hates divorce or if you really loved me or our children you would…..” The message here is that if you don’t’ do what I think you should do, God will really be upset with you or I won’t be able to handle it or you are not a good/godly person.
Micromanaging: This is usually in the areas of time and money where one person makes the other person feel like a subordinate employee or child. They are not allowed to make their own decisions or handle their own life without asking your permission.
Misquoting or Twisting: “You said……” when in reality the person didn’t say it that way but you twist what they said to suit your own purposes. For example, “You said we were going to get back together soon, when what she really said was, “I don’t know if we can get back together soon.”
Playing Holy Spirit: We are all tempted to do this when confronting someone with his or her sin. But it is not our job to convict or change someone else’s behavior to line up to what he think it should be. When we see someone caught in a sin or trespass, we can try to restore such a one in a spirit of humility and gentleness (Galatians 6:1) but if we try to hold someone accountable to a change that they have not initiated, we are attempting to play God in his or her life.
Promises: I will do anything, just ……… Whether or not you keep your promise is irrelevant. You use a promise to get her to do something you want her to do.
Punishing actions: Using physical, sexual, economic, or verbal pressure, abuse or tactics to punish her for not doing what you think she should do. You might stop paying the bills, close the bank account, curse at her, call her names, accuse her of things, tell friends and neighbors untrue things about her to teach her a lesson for not doing what you want her to do. You feel justified because she did something “wrong” and won’t change or stop or admit she was wrong.
Irritation or Silence: I am so bothered or angry that you won’t do what I want that I won’t speak with you or treat you kindly until you change and do what I want.
Threats: Threatening to leave, to hurt one’s self or others, to hurt something she loves like her pet, her parents, her children, her stuff if she doesn’t do what you want her to do.
Some of these overlap and many are used in conjunction to try to get someone to do something we think they should do or to stop doing something that we don’t want them to do. When we do that we certainly are trying to control their behavior and often their thinking and that is not our place.
If you see yourself in these examples, that’s a good start but it usually doesn’t result in permanent changes unless you begin to invite your wife and others to tell you when you fall back into them. Then it is your responsibility to learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable emotions that you may feel when she disagrees with you, doesn’t want to do what you want her to do or wants to do something different, in a mature way.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Church support in marital distress
I’ve received several questions recently regarding the whole issue of marital separation.
Question: This week a woman asked if I would give the same advice I did in last week’s blog if there is a pattern of poor financial decisions of not paying bills, not paying income taxes, continued lies and broken promises, without an official mental health diagnosis?
Answer: Let me give you this general principle. When a spouse(or anyone else) is continually putting you and/or your children in harm’s way whether it is emotional harm, financial harm, sexual harm, spiritual harm, or physical harm, it’s time to take action.
Separation is usually not the first step to take, there are many other things you can do before initiating separation, however, if you allow yourself to be a victim over and over again you must begin to ask yourself what your part is. Why are you being so passive? You are equally liable for the poor financial decisions your husband is making. If you sign the tax form and you knows your husband is intentionally being deceptive, or even if you're just closing your eyes and hoping for the best, you are not being biblically wise or submissive. Rather you're intentionally or unintentionally colluding with something that is illegal, even if you're doing it because you're afraid to stand up for what’s right.
However, as a woman, standing up, especially to your husband’s wrong doing is rarely encouraged by conservative Christian church leadership and often frowned upon. I asked the woman from last week’s blog question what kind of support was she receiving from her church. Her response didn’t surprise me.
She said, “My church believes they are supportive in that I can only make the decision to stay or leave but that they don’t think it’s in the best interest for my kids and that it will be even harder for me than it already is if we don’t stay together.” She also says, “My pastor tends to coddle my spouse and not really hold him accountable.” She said her pastor told her, “If I come on too strong or discipline him, he just shuts down.”
This puts a woman in a terrible dilemma. She writes, “When I step in and take the reins, I’m judged for it. I’m told it’s not my place as a wife/woman to protect our household (it’s his).”
Okay, that’s the principle, but in practice, does that that mean that she is to be totally passive if her husband refuses to protect his household or even more so, endangers it? I don’t think so. That doesn’t mean that we get retaliatory or vengeful but we may need to help her as a church body stand up against injustice and serious sin.
Jesus challenged the Pharisee’s legalistic interpretation of Sabbath rule keeping, when he healed people, seemingly contradicting their teaching. But I believe that Jesus wasn’t negating the importance of keeping the Sabbath, but rather emphasizing that the love for one’s neighbor was a higher law to obey. (See Luke 14:1-6 for example).
In the same way, there is a higher biblical principle at work in these marital situations that might help us weed through them more biblically, and that principle is God’s hatred of injustice and the abuse of power. As I’ve said many times in my writing, being the head of a home, or an organization, or a country does not biblically entitle you to unlimited power over others nor to having your own way all of the time.
Jesus defined biblical headship as sacrificial servanthood, not getting to do whatever you want with no accountability. Therefore, when the head is regularly misusing his authority and power for destructive and selfish purposes, I believe that it is not only good for a wife to speak up and if necessary stand up, it is the right thing for her to do. She is not only standing against wrongdoing, she is also standing for her marriage, for her safety, for her children’s future, and even for her husband’s eventual well-being (James 5:19).
Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” As believers, let’s not close our eyes to the sins of injustice and abuse of power while at the same time emphasizing biblical headship and submission.
Jesus warns, “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law – justice, mercy and faith.” (Matthew 23:23).
Question: This week a woman asked if I would give the same advice I did in last week’s blog if there is a pattern of poor financial decisions of not paying bills, not paying income taxes, continued lies and broken promises, without an official mental health diagnosis?
Answer: Let me give you this general principle. When a spouse(or anyone else) is continually putting you and/or your children in harm’s way whether it is emotional harm, financial harm, sexual harm, spiritual harm, or physical harm, it’s time to take action.
Separation is usually not the first step to take, there are many other things you can do before initiating separation, however, if you allow yourself to be a victim over and over again you must begin to ask yourself what your part is. Why are you being so passive? You are equally liable for the poor financial decisions your husband is making. If you sign the tax form and you knows your husband is intentionally being deceptive, or even if you're just closing your eyes and hoping for the best, you are not being biblically wise or submissive. Rather you're intentionally or unintentionally colluding with something that is illegal, even if you're doing it because you're afraid to stand up for what’s right.
However, as a woman, standing up, especially to your husband’s wrong doing is rarely encouraged by conservative Christian church leadership and often frowned upon. I asked the woman from last week’s blog question what kind of support was she receiving from her church. Her response didn’t surprise me.
She said, “My church believes they are supportive in that I can only make the decision to stay or leave but that they don’t think it’s in the best interest for my kids and that it will be even harder for me than it already is if we don’t stay together.” She also says, “My pastor tends to coddle my spouse and not really hold him accountable.” She said her pastor told her, “If I come on too strong or discipline him, he just shuts down.”
This puts a woman in a terrible dilemma. She writes, “When I step in and take the reins, I’m judged for it. I’m told it’s not my place as a wife/woman to protect our household (it’s his).”
Okay, that’s the principle, but in practice, does that that mean that she is to be totally passive if her husband refuses to protect his household or even more so, endangers it? I don’t think so. That doesn’t mean that we get retaliatory or vengeful but we may need to help her as a church body stand up against injustice and serious sin.
Jesus challenged the Pharisee’s legalistic interpretation of Sabbath rule keeping, when he healed people, seemingly contradicting their teaching. But I believe that Jesus wasn’t negating the importance of keeping the Sabbath, but rather emphasizing that the love for one’s neighbor was a higher law to obey. (See Luke 14:1-6 for example).
In the same way, there is a higher biblical principle at work in these marital situations that might help us weed through them more biblically, and that principle is God’s hatred of injustice and the abuse of power. As I’ve said many times in my writing, being the head of a home, or an organization, or a country does not biblically entitle you to unlimited power over others nor to having your own way all of the time.
Jesus defined biblical headship as sacrificial servanthood, not getting to do whatever you want with no accountability. Therefore, when the head is regularly misusing his authority and power for destructive and selfish purposes, I believe that it is not only good for a wife to speak up and if necessary stand up, it is the right thing for her to do. She is not only standing against wrongdoing, she is also standing for her marriage, for her safety, for her children’s future, and even for her husband’s eventual well-being (James 5:19).
Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” As believers, let’s not close our eyes to the sins of injustice and abuse of power while at the same time emphasizing biblical headship and submission.
Jesus warns, “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law – justice, mercy and faith.” (Matthew 23:23).
Monday, November 9, 2009
Do I dishonor God if I initiate a legal separation because of my husband's refusal to take his medication?
Question: I am a stay at home mom of two young children. I have been married for over 12 years to a spouse who developed late onset schizophrenia and other psychiatric disorders. He claims to be healed and he no longer will take his medication. He says he feels great and is no longer plagued with condemning thoughts but from my observations all the rest of the symptoms of the disorders are still very much present.
He continually lies, breaks his word, conceals the truth, and quick to walk all over me when I say no to things I believe are negative or dangerous to or household. I’ve tried to talk with him, to plead, beg, set boundaries and implement consequences for financial decisions that have put us in debt and at risk for legal issues. At this point I’ve been advised that my only recourse is initiating a legal separation to protect us from the financial consequences that may arise if something happens to him.
I have to go back to work because he can’t pay the debt he has accumulated. He says I don’t have any faith and that I should trust him but I find that impossible because of all the lies and broken promises.
My question is am I dishonoring God or my spouse to protect myself and our household until he comes back to his senses?
Answer: It is not wrong to protect yourself from foolish or dangerous people, even if he happens to be your husband. If your husband was a diabetic and refused to take his medication because he believed he was healed, would you think you were dishonoring God or your spouse by refusing to let him drive, knowing he could fall into a diabetic coma at anytime and crash the car?
I think Christian women have been misled (or mistaught) that it is their biblical obligation to sit quietly and submissively, trusting God, even as their husband foolishly sinks the family ship or recklessly drives the family car straight off a cliff.
A biblical example of a woman who did not sit back and just trust God was Abigail. She was married to a foolish and cruel man. (See 1 Samuel 25 for the story). When he made a rash decision that put her entire family at risk, Abigail took immediate action against her husband, using the wisdom God gave her in order to save her household, (including her husband) from the wrath of David. Her quick thinking and humble spirit also greatly influenced David and helped him to not respond to her husband’s foolishness with sinful actions of his own. Abigail did trust God but she also took appropriate action.
Another woman who did not go along with her husband’s foolishness was Vashti, Queen of Persia (See Esther 1 for the story). After much partying and drinking, the king commanded his servants to bring Queen Vashti before him with her royal crown in order to display to the peoples and the princes her beauty. Queen Vashti refused to come. She did not want to be treated as an object to be ogled by her husband’s drunken friends. However, her husband became enraged with Vashti’s decision and she lost her position as queen and ended up in prison.
This outcome in no way implies that Vashi’s decision was a wrong one, however it does indicate that even when we make right choices, we may encounter difficult consequences. If you decide to initiate a legal separation and go back to work, this creates other issues and difficulties that you will need to be prepared to face and work through.
On the other hand Sarai’s husband, Abraham, did tell her to lie and say she was his sister instead of his wife because he feared that the Pharoah would kill him in order to get Sarai as a wife. Sarai did as her husband told her to and God did intervene, protecting her by afflicting Pharoah’s household (Genesis 12:10-17) Going along with her husband’s foolishness, however, came with a price, even as God protected her marriage. Although Pharoah eventually returned Sarai her to husband, the scriptures tell us that he did take her as his wife. What was that like for Sarai? Although the Bible doesn’t say more about how that impacted her I wonder if later on Sarai didn’t trust God when she took matters into her own hands regarding her childlessness and later on with Hagar’s mistreatment of her. Maybe a root of bitterness grew in her heart as a result of her husband’s sin toward her.
Your husband has a mental illness that he needs medication for. It sounds like he also has some character issues. The scriptures never instruct us to make it easy for someone to sin against us or to trust someone who isn’t trustworthy. Jesus distanced himself from certain individuals because he didn’t trust them (John 2:24).
That said, I do want to caution you. We can protect ourselves like Abigail did with a spirit of humility and submission to God, or we can do it out of fear, resentment, and /or self righteousness. You can take appropriate steps to take care of you and your children and still dishonor God in the way you do it. On the other hand, you could go along with your husband’s ideas and still seethe inside with anger, fear, or resentment. That doesn’t honor God either.
Ultimately you and your children will need to live with the consequences of your decisions. There is no easy path. Both choices have consequences and so I hope you can surround yourself with wise and godly people who will help you walk out your decision with a gentle spirit toward your husband and humility of heart.
He continually lies, breaks his word, conceals the truth, and quick to walk all over me when I say no to things I believe are negative or dangerous to or household. I’ve tried to talk with him, to plead, beg, set boundaries and implement consequences for financial decisions that have put us in debt and at risk for legal issues. At this point I’ve been advised that my only recourse is initiating a legal separation to protect us from the financial consequences that may arise if something happens to him.
I have to go back to work because he can’t pay the debt he has accumulated. He says I don’t have any faith and that I should trust him but I find that impossible because of all the lies and broken promises.
My question is am I dishonoring God or my spouse to protect myself and our household until he comes back to his senses?
Answer: It is not wrong to protect yourself from foolish or dangerous people, even if he happens to be your husband. If your husband was a diabetic and refused to take his medication because he believed he was healed, would you think you were dishonoring God or your spouse by refusing to let him drive, knowing he could fall into a diabetic coma at anytime and crash the car?
I think Christian women have been misled (or mistaught) that it is their biblical obligation to sit quietly and submissively, trusting God, even as their husband foolishly sinks the family ship or recklessly drives the family car straight off a cliff.
A biblical example of a woman who did not sit back and just trust God was Abigail. She was married to a foolish and cruel man. (See 1 Samuel 25 for the story). When he made a rash decision that put her entire family at risk, Abigail took immediate action against her husband, using the wisdom God gave her in order to save her household, (including her husband) from the wrath of David. Her quick thinking and humble spirit also greatly influenced David and helped him to not respond to her husband’s foolishness with sinful actions of his own. Abigail did trust God but she also took appropriate action.
Another woman who did not go along with her husband’s foolishness was Vashti, Queen of Persia (See Esther 1 for the story). After much partying and drinking, the king commanded his servants to bring Queen Vashti before him with her royal crown in order to display to the peoples and the princes her beauty. Queen Vashti refused to come. She did not want to be treated as an object to be ogled by her husband’s drunken friends. However, her husband became enraged with Vashti’s decision and she lost her position as queen and ended up in prison.
This outcome in no way implies that Vashi’s decision was a wrong one, however it does indicate that even when we make right choices, we may encounter difficult consequences. If you decide to initiate a legal separation and go back to work, this creates other issues and difficulties that you will need to be prepared to face and work through.
On the other hand Sarai’s husband, Abraham, did tell her to lie and say she was his sister instead of his wife because he feared that the Pharoah would kill him in order to get Sarai as a wife. Sarai did as her husband told her to and God did intervene, protecting her by afflicting Pharoah’s household (Genesis 12:10-17) Going along with her husband’s foolishness, however, came with a price, even as God protected her marriage. Although Pharoah eventually returned Sarai her to husband, the scriptures tell us that he did take her as his wife. What was that like for Sarai? Although the Bible doesn’t say more about how that impacted her I wonder if later on Sarai didn’t trust God when she took matters into her own hands regarding her childlessness and later on with Hagar’s mistreatment of her. Maybe a root of bitterness grew in her heart as a result of her husband’s sin toward her.
Your husband has a mental illness that he needs medication for. It sounds like he also has some character issues. The scriptures never instruct us to make it easy for someone to sin against us or to trust someone who isn’t trustworthy. Jesus distanced himself from certain individuals because he didn’t trust them (John 2:24).
That said, I do want to caution you. We can protect ourselves like Abigail did with a spirit of humility and submission to God, or we can do it out of fear, resentment, and /or self righteousness. You can take appropriate steps to take care of you and your children and still dishonor God in the way you do it. On the other hand, you could go along with your husband’s ideas and still seethe inside with anger, fear, or resentment. That doesn’t honor God either.
Ultimately you and your children will need to live with the consequences of your decisions. There is no easy path. Both choices have consequences and so I hope you can surround yourself with wise and godly people who will help you walk out your decision with a gentle spirit toward your husband and humility of heart.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How do I find a Christian counselor?
Question: I have had a couple of bad counseling experiences. I’d like to find a good Christian counselor but have no idea how to go about it. Any suggestions?
Answer: Probably the most frequent question I’m asked on my website is whether I know a competent Christian counselor in a particular geographic area that I can recommend. Finding someone who you trust and can relate to is not always easy. Here are a few tips that you may find helpful in seeking help.
The most important thing to look for is a good fit between yourself and your potential counselor. You must feel comfortable, safe, and understood. The best way to find a good counselor is to ask others who have gone to one and received satisfactory help. Word of mouth is usually the best referral. Ask your pastor, your youth leader, or other ministry leader who they would recommend or go to themselves if the need arose.
If you’re not comfortable asking someone directly, another way to find a Christian counselor is to call several larger churches in your area and ask what counselor they refer people to. They may have a counselor on site or a church staff counselor. That doesn’t mean they won’t give you other names as well. If you are seeking a counselor with a particular expertise, ask about that that specifically. For example, if you want a counselor competent in areas of domestic violence, or depression, or eating disorders, say so. If you hear one or two names repeatedly mentioned, give those counselors a call to inquire about their services. If their schedule is full and they are not able to take you right away, they often will give you the names of other counselors that they work with and trust.
Your doctor may also have the names of counselors he or she refers to when necessary. Your insurance company will also often have names of counselors that they partner with to provide counseling services to their subscribers. This is a broad list but sometimes they do list Christian counselors as a separate category.
If you don’t get anywhere through those resources, try using the internet.
American Association of Christian Counselors: www.aacc.net
American Association of Pastoral Counselors: www.aapc.org
Christian Association for Psychological Studies: www.caps.net
Each of these organizations keeps a data base of counselors who have submitted applications in order to be referred by these organizations. You can type in your zip code and they will give you a listing of counselors closest to your area.
When you make your initial phone call you may feel nervous. That is normal so be prepared so that you can get the information you need to decide whether you want to make an appointment. It is very appropriate to ask some questions such as:
• What are their fees per session? Some counselors work on a sliding scale, others do not but reduce their fees substantially for certain categories of people such as those in full time Christian service or single moms. If finances are an issue, it doesn’t hurt to ask that up front.
• Do they take your medical insurance? Again some counselors do and others do not. There are so many different insurance plans that even with major insurance companies such as Blue Cross, benefit plans are not the same. The counselor may agree to bill your insurance but if your insurance does not reimburse, ultimately you are financially responsible for services rendered by the counselor.
• What are their professional credentials and how long have they been counseling? In addition to that, ask them if they are licensed to practice counseling. Each state has certain educational requirements as well as supervised hours of practicum in order to obtain licensure in a particular discipline. Insurance companies only reimburse licensed counselors or those under the direct supervision of a licensed counselor or psychologist. If someone says they are a Christian counselor that does not necessarily mean they are licensed or educated as a counselor. Some states do not require pastoral counselors to be licensed. That does not mean a pastor counselor cannot be a very wise and effective counselor. It’s just important that you know up front.
• What is their experience in working with the problem you are seeking help for? Just like you would usually seek a cardiologist for heart problems and a neurologist for headaches, not all counselors have expertise in every area. If possible, seek someone with the most experience working in the area that troubles you.
• Do they have a Christian orientation and do they incorporate that into their counseling? Is it important to you that your counselor use the scriptures in your counseling? How about prayer?
• Can you make an initial appointment for a consultation?
That last question gives you the option to go and check them out to see if you feel comfortable with and able to open up to this person. If for any reason after you have your first appointment you feel uncomfortable, you do not have to reschedule another appointment.
But understand that the counselor is a fallen human being just like you. He or she does not have magic powers to read your mind or figure out everything you need without you telling him or her. If you are uncomfortable, talk about it. If you don’t understand something, ask.
By about the third or fourth session you and your counselor should have set some preliminary goals on what you hope to get out of counseling and how you will work to get there. Some counselors are very hands on and directive, giving homework assignments and practice applications. Others say hardly anything but listen carefully and help you talk and wrestle through things. If you need more direction say so. If you need to be listened to more, speak up. Learning to be honest about who you are and how you feel is essential to your emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being and the counseling relationship needs to be a place where you can practice these skills.
If in the past you have not been in affirming relationships that are characterized by honesty, respect, caring, and warmth, it may take you some time to feel comfortable in the counseling relationship. Give yourself and the counselor some time to make that connection.
Answer: Probably the most frequent question I’m asked on my website is whether I know a competent Christian counselor in a particular geographic area that I can recommend. Finding someone who you trust and can relate to is not always easy. Here are a few tips that you may find helpful in seeking help.
The most important thing to look for is a good fit between yourself and your potential counselor. You must feel comfortable, safe, and understood. The best way to find a good counselor is to ask others who have gone to one and received satisfactory help. Word of mouth is usually the best referral. Ask your pastor, your youth leader, or other ministry leader who they would recommend or go to themselves if the need arose.
If you’re not comfortable asking someone directly, another way to find a Christian counselor is to call several larger churches in your area and ask what counselor they refer people to. They may have a counselor on site or a church staff counselor. That doesn’t mean they won’t give you other names as well. If you are seeking a counselor with a particular expertise, ask about that that specifically. For example, if you want a counselor competent in areas of domestic violence, or depression, or eating disorders, say so. If you hear one or two names repeatedly mentioned, give those counselors a call to inquire about their services. If their schedule is full and they are not able to take you right away, they often will give you the names of other counselors that they work with and trust.
Your doctor may also have the names of counselors he or she refers to when necessary. Your insurance company will also often have names of counselors that they partner with to provide counseling services to their subscribers. This is a broad list but sometimes they do list Christian counselors as a separate category.
If you don’t get anywhere through those resources, try using the internet.
American Association of Christian Counselors: www.aacc.net
American Association of Pastoral Counselors: www.aapc.org
Christian Association for Psychological Studies: www.caps.net
Each of these organizations keeps a data base of counselors who have submitted applications in order to be referred by these organizations. You can type in your zip code and they will give you a listing of counselors closest to your area.
When you make your initial phone call you may feel nervous. That is normal so be prepared so that you can get the information you need to decide whether you want to make an appointment. It is very appropriate to ask some questions such as:
• What are their fees per session? Some counselors work on a sliding scale, others do not but reduce their fees substantially for certain categories of people such as those in full time Christian service or single moms. If finances are an issue, it doesn’t hurt to ask that up front.
• Do they take your medical insurance? Again some counselors do and others do not. There are so many different insurance plans that even with major insurance companies such as Blue Cross, benefit plans are not the same. The counselor may agree to bill your insurance but if your insurance does not reimburse, ultimately you are financially responsible for services rendered by the counselor.
• What are their professional credentials and how long have they been counseling? In addition to that, ask them if they are licensed to practice counseling. Each state has certain educational requirements as well as supervised hours of practicum in order to obtain licensure in a particular discipline. Insurance companies only reimburse licensed counselors or those under the direct supervision of a licensed counselor or psychologist. If someone says they are a Christian counselor that does not necessarily mean they are licensed or educated as a counselor. Some states do not require pastoral counselors to be licensed. That does not mean a pastor counselor cannot be a very wise and effective counselor. It’s just important that you know up front.
• What is their experience in working with the problem you are seeking help for? Just like you would usually seek a cardiologist for heart problems and a neurologist for headaches, not all counselors have expertise in every area. If possible, seek someone with the most experience working in the area that troubles you.
• Do they have a Christian orientation and do they incorporate that into their counseling? Is it important to you that your counselor use the scriptures in your counseling? How about prayer?
• Can you make an initial appointment for a consultation?
That last question gives you the option to go and check them out to see if you feel comfortable with and able to open up to this person. If for any reason after you have your first appointment you feel uncomfortable, you do not have to reschedule another appointment.
But understand that the counselor is a fallen human being just like you. He or she does not have magic powers to read your mind or figure out everything you need without you telling him or her. If you are uncomfortable, talk about it. If you don’t understand something, ask.
By about the third or fourth session you and your counselor should have set some preliminary goals on what you hope to get out of counseling and how you will work to get there. Some counselors are very hands on and directive, giving homework assignments and practice applications. Others say hardly anything but listen carefully and help you talk and wrestle through things. If you need more direction say so. If you need to be listened to more, speak up. Learning to be honest about who you are and how you feel is essential to your emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being and the counseling relationship needs to be a place where you can practice these skills.
If in the past you have not been in affirming relationships that are characterized by honesty, respect, caring, and warmth, it may take you some time to feel comfortable in the counseling relationship. Give yourself and the counselor some time to make that connection.
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