In quietness and rest is your strength. Isaiah 30:15
Instead of answering a question this week I thought I’d like you know what I’m doing.
There is a little word that appears at the end of certain psalms – “selah”. The exact meaning is not known but it is often interpreted to mean “pause”. The psalms were often set to music so perhaps it was a notation to the choir master. But I think it can provide an important clue for us today as well. So often in our hectic lifestyles we do not take moments of pause. For many reasons we scurry from one activity to the next, hardly stopping to catch our breath or go to the bathroom let alone give ourselves permission to take an official pause. But this week I’m taking an intentional week to recharge and refresh my body, spirit, and soul.
I’m about 2 hours outside Houston Texas, at a place called Roundtop Retreat Center. Carol Lewis, founder and president of First Place for Health sponsors a special week for writers and speakers to take time to pause. There is no television, internet or computer access. But we have lots of quiet time and our all meals are nutritious and cooked for us (best part). Daily we can walk, bike, and attend exercise sessions. We’re coached in wellness and nutrition and have time to connect with other women to pray, cry, laugh or sit and do absolutely nothing. We share morning devotions and evening heart-to-heart talks where we encourage, support and love one another.
I share this with you because as women we don’t often take time out just for ourselves or to be together with other women. We feel too selfish or too guilty or tell ourselves that we’re just too busy to stop. We believe that if we don’t keep all our plates spinning the world we run will collapse. But that’s not true. Jesus often withdrew by himself to pray, to refresh his spirit, and to gain more strength. He also hung out at the home of friends, particularly Mary, Martha and Lazarus where he didn’t have to worry about being “on” but could just relax.
So yesterday I made my husband a big pot of chili and a pan of lasagna to eat during the week. I packed my bags, loaded my kindle with three new novels, tucked in my journal and bible and carefully selected some spiritual reading I’ve been waiting to dig into. I’m here, the sun is shining, the temperatures rising and I’m looking forward to see what God will do. If you think of me pray that I press more deeply into God and experience to the fullest what he has for me.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
How to I live out of who God says I am instead of how I feel?
Question: I am a Christian. I know that I believe in Jesus and that I am forgiven and have eternal life. But here is my question. I made a mistake when I was 18 and got pregnant, and then married a person who I’m pretty sure is not who God planned for me. We have been married 32 years and over the years he has been both physically and emotionally abusive. Not all of the time but enough that I look back and have to look hard to find any joy. We have 5 children and they are good kids for the most part but I know they could have been more.
My question is how can you change so much in your life? Can I ever really be the person I am when I have lived my entire life being someone I’m not? It’s like you took a homeless person out of his cardboard box and gave him a mansion to live in, he still feels comfort in his box and he returns to the box instead of living in the mansion.
I made it my goal to leave this year but keep finding reasons why I should stay. Will I ever attain the “normal” life I want? Sometimes the work and the guilt is overwhelming. Is it ever too late to find God’s plan for your life?
Answer: I’m sorry for your suffering and pain. We have all made mistakes in life, sometimes very big one’s like marrying the wrong person, having an abortion, driving intoxicated and injuring someone or worse and Satan would like us to believe that those mistakes mean we are forever banned from God’s perfect will. That is not true. The apostle Paul says that it is God’s will that you mature and live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4). God promises that we are his workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) and that he that has begun a good work in us will complete it (Philippians 1:6).
That said, let’s look at what steps you can you take to start feeling less like returning to the cardboard box of shame, guilt, and condemnation and more comfortable living in the mansion of God’s grace.
1. Share your full story with some trusted friends. We have lost the blessing of confession in our modern culture. You do not need their forgiveness for your past mistakes but you do need to experience their love and grace. When we share the ugliest parts of ourselves with other people and we find love and acceptance, it helps us to understand God’s grace just a little bit more. That’s probably why the 12 step groups are so popular and what the church can learn from them.
When the prodigal son returned home to the father (see Luke 15), he did not expect to live in the family mansion. He was already used to living in the cardboard boxes of the street. All he asked of his father was to let him work as a hired servant – to live in the barn and have something to eat on a regular basis. Yet the father wanted him to live in the mansion, gave him a big party and welcomed him home. Was the son worthy? Not really. It was all the generous love of the father. Jesus tells this story to show us what God is like. The son made some big mistakes but the father welcomed him home anyway. In the Old Testament the story of Hosea and Gomer have a similar theme. Hosea bought Gomer back and brought her home. She did not deserve it, but she received it.
I think that it would be wrong for us to ever feel worthy or deserving of God’s grace. Then we would feel entitled instead of grateful. Instead of trying to feel worthy enough to live in the mansion, recognize that you’re not worthy (nor is anyone else for that matter, even those who look more “together” than you feel). Instead, thank God that he chose to adopt you and bring you into his mansion to live. Ask him to help you feel safe there, not worthy.
2. Meditate on the verse in Psalm 86:5 “Oh Lord, you are so good, so willing to forgive and so full of unfailing love to everyone who asks for your help”. Is that how you see God? He is good, he wants to forgive and help you take these next steps. Next read John 4 and look at the story of the woman at the well. She was an unloved woman. She was an immoral woman. She was a broken woman. She was living with a man who did not love her enough to marry her or to even accompany her to the well that day. She lived among the cardboard boxes in her city. Even the other women didn’t like her as we see that she went to the well that day alone (unheard of in Middle Eastern culture).
But after her encounter with Jesus, her picture of herself changed. She not only saw herself as an immoral woman, but now she felt forgiven. She not only saw herself as a lonely woman, but she was given living water. She not only saw her brokenness, but began to see her beauty. We know this because as she went back into the town and said, “Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did,” the townspeople actually listened to her and many came to know Jesus. What was so different about her after her conversation with Jesus? I think it was because she actually he believed him – that he loved her, she was special and valuable and that she had a purpose, in spite of her mistakes.
Take some time to gaze into the eyes of the God of Psalm 86:5 and notice what you see as you see Jesus looking back at you. As the Samaritan woman did, I hope you will find love, not condemnation, grace, not anger, mercy, not disgust. Psychologist David Benner says, “Genuine self knowledge begins by looking at God and noticing how God is looking at us. Grounding our knowing of our self in God’s knowing of us, anchors us in reality. It also anchors us in God.”
3. Understand that healing does require changes and those changes sometimes make us uncomfortable. When Jesus asked the paralyzed man in John 5 if he wanted to be well, at first glance we might think that odd. Who wouldn’t want to get well? But Jesus knew that healing would dramatically change this man’s life. He had been lame for 38 years. If he was healed, it would require him to learn new things. He would need to get a job to support himself instead of being dependent on others. He would now have to talk with people face to face as a peer, instead of being on the ground, looking up. His entire self concept would be altered and Jesus knew that it would take some time for him to get used to his new self. As God has been healing you, be patient with yourself. You have not yet grown into who you are in Christ. He knows that and is not impatient with your progress but it sounds like you may be allowing those condemning voices to scare and intimate you. Don’t let them. Surround yourself with those who can cheer you on and encourage your growth. Stop beating yourself up for your mistakes. I imagine this man fell down a few times in his newly healed legs. Just pick yourself back up and continue to walk and the more you do, the stronger you’ll get.
My question is how can you change so much in your life? Can I ever really be the person I am when I have lived my entire life being someone I’m not? It’s like you took a homeless person out of his cardboard box and gave him a mansion to live in, he still feels comfort in his box and he returns to the box instead of living in the mansion.
I made it my goal to leave this year but keep finding reasons why I should stay. Will I ever attain the “normal” life I want? Sometimes the work and the guilt is overwhelming. Is it ever too late to find God’s plan for your life?
Answer: I’m sorry for your suffering and pain. We have all made mistakes in life, sometimes very big one’s like marrying the wrong person, having an abortion, driving intoxicated and injuring someone or worse and Satan would like us to believe that those mistakes mean we are forever banned from God’s perfect will. That is not true. The apostle Paul says that it is God’s will that you mature and live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4). God promises that we are his workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) and that he that has begun a good work in us will complete it (Philippians 1:6).
That said, let’s look at what steps you can you take to start feeling less like returning to the cardboard box of shame, guilt, and condemnation and more comfortable living in the mansion of God’s grace.
1. Share your full story with some trusted friends. We have lost the blessing of confession in our modern culture. You do not need their forgiveness for your past mistakes but you do need to experience their love and grace. When we share the ugliest parts of ourselves with other people and we find love and acceptance, it helps us to understand God’s grace just a little bit more. That’s probably why the 12 step groups are so popular and what the church can learn from them.
When the prodigal son returned home to the father (see Luke 15), he did not expect to live in the family mansion. He was already used to living in the cardboard boxes of the street. All he asked of his father was to let him work as a hired servant – to live in the barn and have something to eat on a regular basis. Yet the father wanted him to live in the mansion, gave him a big party and welcomed him home. Was the son worthy? Not really. It was all the generous love of the father. Jesus tells this story to show us what God is like. The son made some big mistakes but the father welcomed him home anyway. In the Old Testament the story of Hosea and Gomer have a similar theme. Hosea bought Gomer back and brought her home. She did not deserve it, but she received it.
I think that it would be wrong for us to ever feel worthy or deserving of God’s grace. Then we would feel entitled instead of grateful. Instead of trying to feel worthy enough to live in the mansion, recognize that you’re not worthy (nor is anyone else for that matter, even those who look more “together” than you feel). Instead, thank God that he chose to adopt you and bring you into his mansion to live. Ask him to help you feel safe there, not worthy.
2. Meditate on the verse in Psalm 86:5 “Oh Lord, you are so good, so willing to forgive and so full of unfailing love to everyone who asks for your help”. Is that how you see God? He is good, he wants to forgive and help you take these next steps. Next read John 4 and look at the story of the woman at the well. She was an unloved woman. She was an immoral woman. She was a broken woman. She was living with a man who did not love her enough to marry her or to even accompany her to the well that day. She lived among the cardboard boxes in her city. Even the other women didn’t like her as we see that she went to the well that day alone (unheard of in Middle Eastern culture).
But after her encounter with Jesus, her picture of herself changed. She not only saw herself as an immoral woman, but now she felt forgiven. She not only saw herself as a lonely woman, but she was given living water. She not only saw her brokenness, but began to see her beauty. We know this because as she went back into the town and said, “Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did,” the townspeople actually listened to her and many came to know Jesus. What was so different about her after her conversation with Jesus? I think it was because she actually he believed him – that he loved her, she was special and valuable and that she had a purpose, in spite of her mistakes.
Take some time to gaze into the eyes of the God of Psalm 86:5 and notice what you see as you see Jesus looking back at you. As the Samaritan woman did, I hope you will find love, not condemnation, grace, not anger, mercy, not disgust. Psychologist David Benner says, “Genuine self knowledge begins by looking at God and noticing how God is looking at us. Grounding our knowing of our self in God’s knowing of us, anchors us in reality. It also anchors us in God.”
3. Understand that healing does require changes and those changes sometimes make us uncomfortable. When Jesus asked the paralyzed man in John 5 if he wanted to be well, at first glance we might think that odd. Who wouldn’t want to get well? But Jesus knew that healing would dramatically change this man’s life. He had been lame for 38 years. If he was healed, it would require him to learn new things. He would need to get a job to support himself instead of being dependent on others. He would now have to talk with people face to face as a peer, instead of being on the ground, looking up. His entire self concept would be altered and Jesus knew that it would take some time for him to get used to his new self. As God has been healing you, be patient with yourself. You have not yet grown into who you are in Christ. He knows that and is not impatient with your progress but it sounds like you may be allowing those condemning voices to scare and intimate you. Don’t let them. Surround yourself with those who can cheer you on and encourage your growth. Stop beating yourself up for your mistakes. I imagine this man fell down a few times in his newly healed legs. Just pick yourself back up and continue to walk and the more you do, the stronger you’ll get.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Help my wife hates me
Question: I have been married for 12 years with two kids. My wife is very angry and hardened by my past actions. She has told me we need time apart. She said that she feels a lot of hate for me and does not feel I will change. I have had this shoved in my face like a ton of bricks and want to and am willing and will change. I am determined to do this for my marriage and my children. I just don’t know if it will work. The therapist said that I needed to focus on her and my kids. I needed to spend time with the kids and give her space to be herself. She has gone out with friends twice in the last 3 nights and stays out late. She is hurting me and I don’t know why she does this. I want to give her space but this hurts and I am scared and frightened by her actions. Please help me with these questions. Why is she going out for such long periods of time? Space I understand but why does she need the bar with friends until the middle of the night?
Answer: I’m sorry that you’re suffering but you can use this time for some important personal growth here if you want to do the hard work. There is no quick fix here or easy answers. Let me begin by asking you a couple of questions. What specifically have been your past actions that has hardened your wife and provoked her to feel hatred toward you? Write them down. Are these new behaviors or have they been going on for a while? How long? Is this the first you’ve heard that these past behaviors of yours bother her and she’d like you to stop them? Has she asked you to change before now? How many times? If so, why haven’t you?
The reason I ask you this is that you say that this has been shoved in your face like a ton of bricks. By saying that you’re implying that this is the first you’ve heard that she’s unhappy with something you’ve been doing for a while. Your wife has probably told you many times that your behaviors bother her and asked you to change. Up to now you haven’t changed them. So what’s different? Why should she hold out hope that you’re going to change them now?
Answering these questions is an important first step in you taking responsibility for the things you have done to damage your marriage. It’s too late to say now you’ll change if you’ve been ignoring her pleas for years. She doesn’t believe you anymore. Here’s an example you might relate to. If your “check oil” light goes on in your car and you ignore it long enough, you will end up with a bigger problem. When your engine freezes because you didn’t add oil, you can’t just add oil and expect the problem to be fixed. You now need a new engine.
In the same way when you ignore your wife’s concerns for years and then the marriage breaks down, just fixing some things isn’t going to win her back. Your marriage needs an overhaul and you will need to be patient to take the time to work on your part. Right now you’ve wife is finding some freedom doing what she wants. It hurts you that what she wants to do is stay out late at the bars with her friends. You’re right in that is not the best use of her free time right now. But you can’t change or fix her. You can only work on yourself.
If you try to get her to change, she will only dig in her heels more. If you try to guilt trip her into saying home, she will most likely resent you more. If you truly want to win her back, the best way is to make yourself into a man she will want to live with and love and share her life with. That will take time because I sense from your letter that you’re more likely to think of your own feelings and needs than your wife’s and children’s.
I understand that you don’t like feeling frightened, hurt or alone. You don’t like it that your wife feels hatred for you. But you can either focus on getting her to change, or with God’s help, changing your own self. I hope you chose the latter. If you do, I promise you that you will become a healthier and happier person and hopefully in the process restore your marriage.
Answer: I’m sorry that you’re suffering but you can use this time for some important personal growth here if you want to do the hard work. There is no quick fix here or easy answers. Let me begin by asking you a couple of questions. What specifically have been your past actions that has hardened your wife and provoked her to feel hatred toward you? Write them down. Are these new behaviors or have they been going on for a while? How long? Is this the first you’ve heard that these past behaviors of yours bother her and she’d like you to stop them? Has she asked you to change before now? How many times? If so, why haven’t you?
The reason I ask you this is that you say that this has been shoved in your face like a ton of bricks. By saying that you’re implying that this is the first you’ve heard that she’s unhappy with something you’ve been doing for a while. Your wife has probably told you many times that your behaviors bother her and asked you to change. Up to now you haven’t changed them. So what’s different? Why should she hold out hope that you’re going to change them now?
Answering these questions is an important first step in you taking responsibility for the things you have done to damage your marriage. It’s too late to say now you’ll change if you’ve been ignoring her pleas for years. She doesn’t believe you anymore. Here’s an example you might relate to. If your “check oil” light goes on in your car and you ignore it long enough, you will end up with a bigger problem. When your engine freezes because you didn’t add oil, you can’t just add oil and expect the problem to be fixed. You now need a new engine.
In the same way when you ignore your wife’s concerns for years and then the marriage breaks down, just fixing some things isn’t going to win her back. Your marriage needs an overhaul and you will need to be patient to take the time to work on your part. Right now you’ve wife is finding some freedom doing what she wants. It hurts you that what she wants to do is stay out late at the bars with her friends. You’re right in that is not the best use of her free time right now. But you can’t change or fix her. You can only work on yourself.
If you try to get her to change, she will only dig in her heels more. If you try to guilt trip her into saying home, she will most likely resent you more. If you truly want to win her back, the best way is to make yourself into a man she will want to live with and love and share her life with. That will take time because I sense from your letter that you’re more likely to think of your own feelings and needs than your wife’s and children’s.
I understand that you don’t like feeling frightened, hurt or alone. You don’t like it that your wife feels hatred for you. But you can either focus on getting her to change, or with God’s help, changing your own self. I hope you chose the latter. If you do, I promise you that you will become a healthier and happier person and hopefully in the process restore your marriage.
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