In this week’s blog I’m not going to answer a new question, but rather I want to continue the discussion Amy and Anonymous have generated from last week’s question. So if you haven’t read last week’s question and answer, scroll down to read it because the way we think about these things is critical.
Anonymous felt angry after reading the blog question and I think, my response. Her heart hurt to hear of this woman’s dilemma and pain and advised her not to allow herself to be “used”.
Amy questioned whether or not this woman was really still married since her husband had emotionally walked away from the relationship. Amy felt that it was absolutely wrong for this woman to feel any obligation to meet her husband’s sexual desires or needs while he was planning to divorce her.
Before I talk more about the deeper issues that these kinds of marital situations present please allow me pose this same dilemma in a different way. Suppose a husband wrote me and said:
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We are both Christians. We attend church and she reads her bible regularly and tells me she has a great relationship with God. But last week she informed me that she’s planning to divorce me. We’ve always had struggles in our marriage and we’ve tried numerous counselors but she says that she’s done with that and she’s planning to move out as soon as our daughter, who is a sophomore, graduates from high school. I don’t want our marriage to end. I’ve tried talking with her but she refuses to have any more discussion about it. Although she’s college educated, she’s never had to work and I financially support the household fully.
My question is this: does God still want me to pay her bills even though she’s no longer invested in our marriage? Am I obligated for the next three years to pay for her car payments, her haircuts, her insurance, her IRA, her clothes, her health club membership, her lunches with her girlfriends and other spending she does? I feel like I’m just a paycheck and that she’s using me until she’s ready to leave. What do you think I should do?
If I received this question, I would respond in the exact same way I did last week where the woman asked about what she should do about meeting the needs (desires) of a spouse who has checked out of the marriage although not formally divorced yet. There are not always clear cut Biblical answers for every situation. However, there are some Biblical principles we must keep in mind when trying to discern what God is trying to teach of us in our own particular situation.
Marriage involves a commitment. We promise to love, cherish, and meet our spouses’ needs over the long haul, for better or worse. Ideally, our promise to love ought not to be conditioned on how well our partner loves us back. To love Biblically means that I will act in my spouses long term best interests, even when it costs me. In our own humanness, this kind of love is impossible. But as Christians, God equips us and teaches us how to love in this way. The apostle Paul says, “Be imitators of God and live a life of love” (Ephesians 5:1).
Biblical love is tough and may sometimes look like being “used”, if that’s how you want to think about it. For example, when Jesus healed the 10 lepers, only one of them returned to thank him. Were the other 9 lepers using him merely to get healed? Probably. Jesus still gave them what they needed – they needed healing and Jesus didn’t dwell about what he was not getting in return (gratitude).
In my book, How to Act Right When Our Spouse Acts Wrong I write about this in detail and talk about the Gifts of Love that we can give an undeserving spouse.
They are: The gift of acceptance – not trying to change the person in to who you think he or she should be but accepting, without resentment where he or she is.
The gift of truth: Saying hard things, not necessarily harshly.
The gift of kindness: Not allowing another person’s evil doing or sinful behaviors change you into a different person.
The gift of prayer: Not just praying about your spouse, but praying for your spouse.
The gift of forgiveness: Letting go of offenses done to you. We are to learn to be forgiving and forbearing people, bearing up under one another’s weaknesses.
The gift of consequences: Allowing our partner to experience the consequences of his or her sin in order to help them come to their senses and repent.
Each of these gifts of love are given to meet a spouse’s specific need, not as a punishment but as a way to communicate “I care about your long term well being and I have promised to love you, even if it costs me.”
For example, two weeks ago a woman wrote and asked when enough is enough? Her husband had been repeatedly unfaithful and although he claimed to be repentant once again, could she separate or did she need to forgive and reconcile? I talked about various options but in the end I encouraged her to move forward in separating (giving the gift of consequences) until her husband demonstrated the fruits of repentance over a significant period of time. Most of you agreed.
But would that choice cost her? Indeed it will. It will change her household and not all for the best. Financially it will create new hardships. She will feel lonely. At times, she will miss her husband’s companionship. She will now be more responsible for the load of parenting without her husband in the home. Yet it was not only good for her to set a boundary in her marriage, her choice to separate was in her husband’s long term best interests. Without experiencing the consequences of his sinful behavior, he had already shown that he was unlikely to to do the work he needed to do. Separating was Biblical love, not simply self protection.
So let’s look at what that might look like in these recent two examples. The husband in today’s blog, may choose to give his wife the gift of kindness and in doing so, continue to pay her bills without resentment, hoping and praying to see a change of heart in her that their marriage may be restored. Will it cost him? Yes. Is she using him? Yes unless her heart would change.
The wife from last week may decide after weighing their history that she can love her husband best by being available sexually without resentment, giving him the gift of acceptance of where he is right now and that there are perhaps things in his life that he’s struggling with that he can’t talk about right now. She can also pray for him, that God will him show him his bitterness, or whatever else has caused him to turn away from the marriage so that he’s willing to rebuild their relationship. Remember, at one point he was invested in their relationship and willing to go to counseling. She must ask herself what happened to change that?
Or, on the other hand, equally as biblical in each of the above situations, knowing what they have already tried and done, they may choose a different form of sacrificial love just as I suggested in last week’s blog.
So the discernment comes when each person in his or her particular difficult marital situation asks themselves at least three important questions.
First, what is God is trying to show me through this marital suffering? When we only have eyes for our spouses’ wrongdoing, we are seeing the speck in his or her eye, but ignoring the plank in our own. Jesus says, look at yourself first and get the plank out of your own eye. Then you will be able to see more clearly to help the one with the speck in his/her eye.
Take responsibility for where you have failed in the marriage before confronting, blaming or judging your spouse’s wrongdoing. Last week I challenged the woman to ask herself what has been her history in the marital conflict that has led her husband to give up. I would ask the man in the today’s question the same thing. In marriage, we always have two sinners who often sin against each other at the same time. Our brokenness hurts our spouse and our marriage but it is usually our blindness to our own brokenness that will destroy it. If you can learn to act right even when your spouse acts wrong, it doesn’t guarantee a better marriage, but it’s much more likely.
The second question to ask yourself and pray about is this. How can I best love my spouse right now? Remember, you vowed to love, not to simply stay married. That is much harder work. In today’s example, is it best to continue to support her needs (desires) financially? Or is it best to have a honest discussion with and tell her that if she doesn’t want to be married, then the consequences of her choice is that she will need to get a job so that she will learn how to support herself financially?
The third question to ask and pray about is, what is my spouse’s greatest need right now? Our felt needs can be very different from our real needs. Each day I feel a need for chocolate, but my real need is to eat more broccoli and take calcium supplements, which I never feel the need for. Oswald Chambers asks us, “If we could look at ourselves from God’s perspective, what would he say are our true needs?” Our spouse may say their needs are for money, sex or to be let back into the house after numerous affairs, but the truth is that his or her real needs might be very different. It is only through prayer and asking God to use you to meet your spouse’s true needs can you best love your mate, even when he or she is unlovable and causing you great distress.
I think we need to be careful in these kinds of dilemmas because one answer does not fit all situations. Amy is right when she says, “We as Christian women need to start thinking for ourselves and asking ourselves, is this truly right?” But we cannot think rightly without the Holy Spirit and God’s Word as our anchors for discernment. Jesus tells us that nothing is more important in our life and maturity then to learn to love well. However, we must also recognize as C.S. Lewis so wisely writes, “Real love is more severe and stern than mere kindness.”
Comments?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
My husband says he's divorcing me but still wants sex. Do I have to?
Last week we had quite a number of interesting responses to my blog post answering the question of whether or not to give her husband another chance. I even got a response in Chinese although I’m sorry that I can’t read it and don’t know anyone who can translate it for me. But it’s encouraging to hear people’s experiences and how it’s not a one size fits all approach.
Here’s this week’s dilemma/question, again concerning a marital problem.
Question: My husband and I are evangelical Christians. He has a daily quiet time and bible reading and prayer. We have been married 20 years and have 2 children, the youngest a sophomore in high school. We have had our struggles and have gone to counseling off and on much of our relationship. This past fall my husband informed me that he had no intention of staying married after the kids were out of the house. I have since asked him more about this (wondering if he just said it in the heat of the moment). He has it all planned out that the housing market will be better in 3 years and we can sell our house, split the money and go our separate ways. He has no interest in counseling. He says, “been there, done that.”
My question is this: Several times this winter, my husband has shown interest in or asked me about sex. We are still married but I have conflicting thoughts about what my response should be. When he acts this way, I have tried to talk to him about my thoughts and feelings but he walks away and says he thought we could just “have a little fun but it isn’t worth it.”
So, am I called to meet his physical needs while he totally neglects my emotional needs because we are still married? Or can I still be a godly wife if I insist the talk of divorce is off the table (or at least we are working with a pastor/counselor), before we resume a physical relationship?
Answer: Here is another situation where a simple answer will not fit every situation. Some of the decision you make will depend on what you have done in the past, how much you have tried one approach over another. My response to last week’s question was influenced by the fact that the wife had gone the extra mile in forgiving her husband and reconciling with him many times and her husband had not changed his ways. Because of that history it was time for a different tactic.
Without knowing your particular history, other than you describe a troubled marriage over the long haul, one approach is to say to yourself, “If I can show love to my husband in the only way he can receive it right now, perhaps that will speak to him about my commitment to him and to our marriage and he will change his mind.” That thinking requires a sacrificial kind of love that God gives us and asks us to give to one another. You will not have a mutually giving kind of marriage, but one where you are the primary giver. In the long run, if nothing changes, you may stay married, but it will not be a happy marriage, but perhaps a more peaceful one than you have right now. However, since your husband is daily reading God’s Word and apparently interested in his spiritual life, you can fervently pray that God would speak to him about his indifference toward you, his resentments, and his lack of commitment to his marriage vows.
Often times over the course of a marriage, one person in the marriage does give much more than the other does and it is that kind of unfailing “hessed” love that becomes the glue that binds the couple together. If you choose this approach, you will need to draw yourself close to the Lord because it is only in his strength can you continue to give love when you are being personally rejected. This approach doesn’t guarantee that your husband won’t follow through with his plans to leave in 3 years, but it is the reality of where you are at this point in your marriage. It’s possible that through your attitude of humility and graciousness, your husband may come to his senses and realize that he has a good wife and he’d be a fool to walk away.
However, I also believe that an equally biblical approach would be to speak the truth in love to him and say something like, “I don’t understand how you can so easily invite me into the bedroom but really want nothing to do with me? That really hurts.”
He may minimize your feelings again or say it takes too much work to talk through things. I think your attitude of humility and desire to genuinely listen to what has caused him to become so unwilling to continue to work on your marital difficulties will play a big role here. I’d recommend listening to my CD, on The Hidden Power of Humility which you can order on my website at www.leslievernick.com
Only you know the history you’ve shared and your own part that you’ve played in where the marriage is at this time. I’d be reluctant to advise you to draw a line in the sand and say “unless you go to counseling, or stop talking divorce I won’t have sex with you.” Instead, I’d try a gentler approach saying, “I know I’ve done some things to deeply hurt you (or whatever you think your part is) and I’m very sorry. I want our marriage to work. I want to enjoy a fun and healthy sex life with you and want to spend the rest of our years together. But I can’t make that happen all by myself and you have given up. Please tell me why?”
I hope that gives you some things to pray about. Readers – I welcome your comments.
Here’s this week’s dilemma/question, again concerning a marital problem.
Question: My husband and I are evangelical Christians. He has a daily quiet time and bible reading and prayer. We have been married 20 years and have 2 children, the youngest a sophomore in high school. We have had our struggles and have gone to counseling off and on much of our relationship. This past fall my husband informed me that he had no intention of staying married after the kids were out of the house. I have since asked him more about this (wondering if he just said it in the heat of the moment). He has it all planned out that the housing market will be better in 3 years and we can sell our house, split the money and go our separate ways. He has no interest in counseling. He says, “been there, done that.”
My question is this: Several times this winter, my husband has shown interest in or asked me about sex. We are still married but I have conflicting thoughts about what my response should be. When he acts this way, I have tried to talk to him about my thoughts and feelings but he walks away and says he thought we could just “have a little fun but it isn’t worth it.”
So, am I called to meet his physical needs while he totally neglects my emotional needs because we are still married? Or can I still be a godly wife if I insist the talk of divorce is off the table (or at least we are working with a pastor/counselor), before we resume a physical relationship?
Answer: Here is another situation where a simple answer will not fit every situation. Some of the decision you make will depend on what you have done in the past, how much you have tried one approach over another. My response to last week’s question was influenced by the fact that the wife had gone the extra mile in forgiving her husband and reconciling with him many times and her husband had not changed his ways. Because of that history it was time for a different tactic.
Without knowing your particular history, other than you describe a troubled marriage over the long haul, one approach is to say to yourself, “If I can show love to my husband in the only way he can receive it right now, perhaps that will speak to him about my commitment to him and to our marriage and he will change his mind.” That thinking requires a sacrificial kind of love that God gives us and asks us to give to one another. You will not have a mutually giving kind of marriage, but one where you are the primary giver. In the long run, if nothing changes, you may stay married, but it will not be a happy marriage, but perhaps a more peaceful one than you have right now. However, since your husband is daily reading God’s Word and apparently interested in his spiritual life, you can fervently pray that God would speak to him about his indifference toward you, his resentments, and his lack of commitment to his marriage vows.
Often times over the course of a marriage, one person in the marriage does give much more than the other does and it is that kind of unfailing “hessed” love that becomes the glue that binds the couple together. If you choose this approach, you will need to draw yourself close to the Lord because it is only in his strength can you continue to give love when you are being personally rejected. This approach doesn’t guarantee that your husband won’t follow through with his plans to leave in 3 years, but it is the reality of where you are at this point in your marriage. It’s possible that through your attitude of humility and graciousness, your husband may come to his senses and realize that he has a good wife and he’d be a fool to walk away.
However, I also believe that an equally biblical approach would be to speak the truth in love to him and say something like, “I don’t understand how you can so easily invite me into the bedroom but really want nothing to do with me? That really hurts.”
He may minimize your feelings again or say it takes too much work to talk through things. I think your attitude of humility and desire to genuinely listen to what has caused him to become so unwilling to continue to work on your marital difficulties will play a big role here. I’d recommend listening to my CD, on The Hidden Power of Humility which you can order on my website at www.leslievernick.com
Only you know the history you’ve shared and your own part that you’ve played in where the marriage is at this time. I’d be reluctant to advise you to draw a line in the sand and say “unless you go to counseling, or stop talking divorce I won’t have sex with you.” Instead, I’d try a gentler approach saying, “I know I’ve done some things to deeply hurt you (or whatever you think your part is) and I’m very sorry. I want our marriage to work. I want to enjoy a fun and healthy sex life with you and want to spend the rest of our years together. But I can’t make that happen all by myself and you have given up. Please tell me why?”
I hope that gives you some things to pray about. Readers – I welcome your comments.
Monday, February 8, 2010
DoI give my husband one last chance or leave now?
Question: I read your blog entry for October 12th and if I didn’t know better I thought this entry came from my husband. I have been married to a man for 21 years who has frequently sought the attention of female companionship, for some of the same reasons as your October e-mailer. This has occurred off and on for the majority of our marriage. Now it’s happened again and I’ve determined to leave, not only for the sake of our 3 children, but for my own sense of worth.
The only problem is I still love this man and in his own way, I know he loves me. He’s pleading with me to stay and give him time to show me that this time is different; he is willing to change and to get the help he needs. Unfortunately I’ve heard all these things before. I never thought I’d be one of those women that stayed in a marriage for as long as I have, dealing with this kind of mental and emotional abuse but I’m grieving the loss of our marriage and don’t know how to actually let go. You’re advice to the man was right on, but what advice can you give the wife of a man who continues to seek other female attention?
Answer: Let me first say that I’m sorry for your pain. Relationships are messy and broken marriage vows one of the most painful things people experience. There are no easy answers for you here. If you leave you must grieve the loss of what never was or what you hoped could have been. If you stay you will continue to fear his unfaithfulness and inordinate need for female attention. Marital trust is broken, three children are watching and often we just don’t know what the best next step is.
Should you stay and give him another chance? If so, how many times do you do this before you finally say “talk is cheap and now I need you to show me some real fruits of your repentance before I start to hope and trust again.”
Is it possible to evaluate the genuineness of his repentance by telling him because of his repeated history of breaking his promises, you will not continue to repeat the same old dance by staying. This time, you will separate, but you will and watch and wait and give him time to show that he means business. That will involve him making an appointment with a competent counselor, going to his appointments on a regular basis, giving you permission to speak with the counselor regarding your concerns and his progress, as well as inviting someone other than you hold him accountable with internet chat rooms, pornography, e-mail and other temptations. If he agrees to these things and follows through consistently for a period of at least a year without any further lies or discoveries, then you will consider some joint marital counseling to put the marriage back together. It is his choice.
Understand, we are all broken in some ways (James 3:2). Your husband’s brokenness however has significant impact on the family and it is not healthy to continue to function as if it is no big deal. By taking a strong stand right now, yet giving him time to get the help he needs, you can know that you have done all you can do to help your husband face his brokenness and with God’s help, heal so that your family may be able to be reconciled some day. However, I don’t want to give you false hope. My experience with this kind of problem and person is that when you put your foot down and hold them to actually doing the work of changing, they usually do not stay the course. But if you do it as I’m recommending, at least you will know that it was his decision and that is wasn’t because you were unwilling to give him one last chance to change.
The only problem is I still love this man and in his own way, I know he loves me. He’s pleading with me to stay and give him time to show me that this time is different; he is willing to change and to get the help he needs. Unfortunately I’ve heard all these things before. I never thought I’d be one of those women that stayed in a marriage for as long as I have, dealing with this kind of mental and emotional abuse but I’m grieving the loss of our marriage and don’t know how to actually let go. You’re advice to the man was right on, but what advice can you give the wife of a man who continues to seek other female attention?
Answer: Let me first say that I’m sorry for your pain. Relationships are messy and broken marriage vows one of the most painful things people experience. There are no easy answers for you here. If you leave you must grieve the loss of what never was or what you hoped could have been. If you stay you will continue to fear his unfaithfulness and inordinate need for female attention. Marital trust is broken, three children are watching and often we just don’t know what the best next step is.
Should you stay and give him another chance? If so, how many times do you do this before you finally say “talk is cheap and now I need you to show me some real fruits of your repentance before I start to hope and trust again.”
Is it possible to evaluate the genuineness of his repentance by telling him because of his repeated history of breaking his promises, you will not continue to repeat the same old dance by staying. This time, you will separate, but you will and watch and wait and give him time to show that he means business. That will involve him making an appointment with a competent counselor, going to his appointments on a regular basis, giving you permission to speak with the counselor regarding your concerns and his progress, as well as inviting someone other than you hold him accountable with internet chat rooms, pornography, e-mail and other temptations. If he agrees to these things and follows through consistently for a period of at least a year without any further lies or discoveries, then you will consider some joint marital counseling to put the marriage back together. It is his choice.
Understand, we are all broken in some ways (James 3:2). Your husband’s brokenness however has significant impact on the family and it is not healthy to continue to function as if it is no big deal. By taking a strong stand right now, yet giving him time to get the help he needs, you can know that you have done all you can do to help your husband face his brokenness and with God’s help, heal so that your family may be able to be reconciled some day. However, I don’t want to give you false hope. My experience with this kind of problem and person is that when you put your foot down and hold them to actually doing the work of changing, they usually do not stay the course. But if you do it as I’m recommending, at least you will know that it was his decision and that is wasn’t because you were unwilling to give him one last chance to change.
Monday, February 1, 2010
How to I make good female friendships? I've been burned.
As most of you know, I spent a week in January, pausing my life in order to refresh my spirit, recharge my batteries, and reconnect with some of my girlfriends. I had a wonderful time laughing, crying, praying, resting, exercising, and being challenged by some wise and wonderful women. I highly recommend taking some time for yourself and your girlfriends every so often. It’s that important!
Sadly many women do not have good girl friends nor do they experiences close relationships. Recently I’ve gotten several questions regarding trust issues and relationship problems with girlfriends.
Question #1: Why are women so nasty to each other? It’s so hard to make female friends. I asked the Lord to bring me Christian friends. Then I was invited to a weekly bible study, just 3 women. It started out fine but then one woman used me against the other. Why are women so competitive and catty? Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I have been that way myself in the past but I long for closeness with some female friends. Help me understand what’s going on.
Question #2: I notice that in your book on depression, you encourage women to find a support group or trusted people to talk to. Here is my problem. I have issues trusting people with my feelings and thoughts. I don’t really even have any friends to speak of. How do I overcome this in order to find help and support?
Answer: Female friendships are very important and the older I get the more I realize how important they are. Even the best man/husband doesn’t understand us the way our girlfriends do. Plus, statistics show that most women will outlive their husbands and research overwhelmingly confirms that having a supportive group of loving friends is crucial in one’s ability to handle life’s stressors.
That said, relationships take work and finding and maintaining good friendships is not always easy. Just as in marriage, we can get in some pretty unhealthy and even destructive relationships with our female friends. In addition, some women have been burned, hurt or wounded so deeply, their ability to trust others has been impacted and find themselves shutting down or pushing potential friends away.
So what’s the answer? Whether you’ve been discouraged or hurt in your friendships with women, don’t give up. God knows our need for friends. Even in a perfect world God told Adam that it was not good that he was alone, void of human companionship. In addition to making us physical and spiritual beings, God also made us relational beings and we do not function well isolated from connection with others. He knows we need relationships to thrive as human beings. That’s why he created families and the church (family of God). However, if your biological family was abusive and your ability to trust others damaged, learning to begin trusting others is very difficult for you, even if you are a Christian.
Second, start small. Don’t give all your trust to every person you meet. In other words, keep your emotional clothes on until you have known someone for a while and she shows you her trust worthiness. Often we can be attracted to people who ooze personality and charm, but lack godly character. That kind of woman might be a fun person to hang out with at a retreat or social event, but without godly character, she will not make a good close friend.
When you’re with other woman, especially one that you might want to get to know better, observe how she interacts with others. Does she keep their confidences or does she talk about people behind their back? Does she act one way with the person in front of him or her and another way when they are not present? Does she respect a person’s feelings and opinions, and listen when they talk?
If you’re not ready to join a bible study or a specific women’s group yet, volunteer for a committee. Work on a project – a women’s retreat, setting up for VBS, serving a meal for the teens, cleaning up after a church event. Notice how a woman you might want to get to know better handles herself when she’s frustrated, doesn’t’ get her way, or someone else annoys her. You can tell a lot about a person simply by watching the way she treats other people. (We all have a bad day so don’t judge and please be forbearing as James tells us that we all stumble in many ways. But when you observe someone over time consistently treating others with kindness, respect, and honesty, she might be someone you want to get to know better.)
In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I write that there are three necessary ingredients necessary for healthy relationships. They are mutual caring, mutual honesty, and mutual respect. If one of those ingredients is not mutually demonstrated, the relationship will not flourish. That doesn’t mean someone doesn’t sometimes act rudely or isn’t totally honest. But when she does, is she able to accept responsibility, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Or does she blame you, deny what happened, or refuse to share any responsibility?
You ask why do some women act nasty and catty even in the church? I think partly it’s because they haven’t matured and are still functioning as they did in junior high. They are insecure woman and and feel better when they put others down. Even Jesus didn’t trust everyone. It says in John 2, “but Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like.”
Two final cautions: If you’ve been burned in relationships or have trouble trusting others, your internal radar is already on high alert and it enables you to detect even the slightest nuance of annoyance, disappointment, or negativity emanating from other people. The problem when you detect these very human foibles is that you personalize them. In other words you think someone is mad at you, someone doesn’t like you, or you’ve done something wrong. That interpretation is probably is not true, although you are correct in picking up some negative vibes. It may be that the person is tired, busy, distracted or needs to take care of something else right at the moment and isn’t able to give you her full attention. Try to not take these things personally so that you run away or shut down before you even give that person a chance to be a friend.
Second, although we definitely need friendships, our friends can never meet all of our needs. When we expect them to, we will surely be disappointed. Once you find a good friend who you trust, be careful to not become overly dependent on your friend to always be there, totally understand you, and meet all of your emotional needs. No one can always be there, never tire, and be totally selfless and loving. That is God’s job. He uses our human friends to meet some our needs, but not any one person to meet all of our needs. When we lean too heavily for too long on our spouse or girlfriend, the relationship is at risk of becoming unhealthy and the other person will eventually fail us and we (and they) will get hurt. They cannot be nor should they try to be God for us.
Readers, can you give us some other tips on how these women can begin to build some good friendships with other women?
Sadly many women do not have good girl friends nor do they experiences close relationships. Recently I’ve gotten several questions regarding trust issues and relationship problems with girlfriends.
Question #1: Why are women so nasty to each other? It’s so hard to make female friends. I asked the Lord to bring me Christian friends. Then I was invited to a weekly bible study, just 3 women. It started out fine but then one woman used me against the other. Why are women so competitive and catty? Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I have been that way myself in the past but I long for closeness with some female friends. Help me understand what’s going on.
Question #2: I notice that in your book on depression, you encourage women to find a support group or trusted people to talk to. Here is my problem. I have issues trusting people with my feelings and thoughts. I don’t really even have any friends to speak of. How do I overcome this in order to find help and support?
Answer: Female friendships are very important and the older I get the more I realize how important they are. Even the best man/husband doesn’t understand us the way our girlfriends do. Plus, statistics show that most women will outlive their husbands and research overwhelmingly confirms that having a supportive group of loving friends is crucial in one’s ability to handle life’s stressors.
That said, relationships take work and finding and maintaining good friendships is not always easy. Just as in marriage, we can get in some pretty unhealthy and even destructive relationships with our female friends. In addition, some women have been burned, hurt or wounded so deeply, their ability to trust others has been impacted and find themselves shutting down or pushing potential friends away.
So what’s the answer? Whether you’ve been discouraged or hurt in your friendships with women, don’t give up. God knows our need for friends. Even in a perfect world God told Adam that it was not good that he was alone, void of human companionship. In addition to making us physical and spiritual beings, God also made us relational beings and we do not function well isolated from connection with others. He knows we need relationships to thrive as human beings. That’s why he created families and the church (family of God). However, if your biological family was abusive and your ability to trust others damaged, learning to begin trusting others is very difficult for you, even if you are a Christian.
Second, start small. Don’t give all your trust to every person you meet. In other words, keep your emotional clothes on until you have known someone for a while and she shows you her trust worthiness. Often we can be attracted to people who ooze personality and charm, but lack godly character. That kind of woman might be a fun person to hang out with at a retreat or social event, but without godly character, she will not make a good close friend.
When you’re with other woman, especially one that you might want to get to know better, observe how she interacts with others. Does she keep their confidences or does she talk about people behind their back? Does she act one way with the person in front of him or her and another way when they are not present? Does she respect a person’s feelings and opinions, and listen when they talk?
If you’re not ready to join a bible study or a specific women’s group yet, volunteer for a committee. Work on a project – a women’s retreat, setting up for VBS, serving a meal for the teens, cleaning up after a church event. Notice how a woman you might want to get to know better handles herself when she’s frustrated, doesn’t’ get her way, or someone else annoys her. You can tell a lot about a person simply by watching the way she treats other people. (We all have a bad day so don’t judge and please be forbearing as James tells us that we all stumble in many ways. But when you observe someone over time consistently treating others with kindness, respect, and honesty, she might be someone you want to get to know better.)
In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I write that there are three necessary ingredients necessary for healthy relationships. They are mutual caring, mutual honesty, and mutual respect. If one of those ingredients is not mutually demonstrated, the relationship will not flourish. That doesn’t mean someone doesn’t sometimes act rudely or isn’t totally honest. But when she does, is she able to accept responsibility, apologize and ask for forgiveness? Or does she blame you, deny what happened, or refuse to share any responsibility?
You ask why do some women act nasty and catty even in the church? I think partly it’s because they haven’t matured and are still functioning as they did in junior high. They are insecure woman and and feel better when they put others down. Even Jesus didn’t trust everyone. It says in John 2, “but Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like.”
Two final cautions: If you’ve been burned in relationships or have trouble trusting others, your internal radar is already on high alert and it enables you to detect even the slightest nuance of annoyance, disappointment, or negativity emanating from other people. The problem when you detect these very human foibles is that you personalize them. In other words you think someone is mad at you, someone doesn’t like you, or you’ve done something wrong. That interpretation is probably is not true, although you are correct in picking up some negative vibes. It may be that the person is tired, busy, distracted or needs to take care of something else right at the moment and isn’t able to give you her full attention. Try to not take these things personally so that you run away or shut down before you even give that person a chance to be a friend.
Second, although we definitely need friendships, our friends can never meet all of our needs. When we expect them to, we will surely be disappointed. Once you find a good friend who you trust, be careful to not become overly dependent on your friend to always be there, totally understand you, and meet all of your emotional needs. No one can always be there, never tire, and be totally selfless and loving. That is God’s job. He uses our human friends to meet some our needs, but not any one person to meet all of our needs. When we lean too heavily for too long on our spouse or girlfriend, the relationship is at risk of becoming unhealthy and the other person will eventually fail us and we (and they) will get hurt. They cannot be nor should they try to be God for us.
Readers, can you give us some other tips on how these women can begin to build some good friendships with other women?
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