Hi Everyone,
I’m writing this blog from sunny California although I haven’t gotten to be in the sun much because I’m visiting with my new granddaughter and cooking meals for my daughter and husband. I’m 3 hours behind so to me it’s still early morning. It is so fun being a grandmother. See my Facebook page if you want to see pictures later today.
Today’s question is long and has many twists and turns but I think it merits answering because I find so many women facing the same dilemma. I’ve shortened it but my answer will need the context of the larger story here.
Question: When my husband does something that hurts me, if I try to tell him how he has hurt me, he usually replies that I have hurt him too in some general way. By the end of the conversation, it is all about him and his feelings and how horrible I am but with no specifics. He never can focus on what he has done or can apologize without me making some sort of apology first. I have specifically asked him what he would like me to do when I feel he has hurt me, and he has finally said he does not want me to tell him. These conversations end with no resolution to the problem I felt, and often escalate to him calling me names that assassinate my character, or repeating everything I say in a mocking way.
Often I am so upset that I may cry, or lose control by yelling and a couple of times hitting him. I feel so helpless when he will not express caring, but instead is insulting. I feel scorned. He either remains silent or even eggs me on. Though I have thoroughly repented and told him how wrong it was for me to behave like this and how ashamed I am, he throws this back in my face. I have told him many times, “I’m leaving” or “I’m done.” And, I have left, sometimes for days always with the invitation to reconcile. I want to talk things out but we never can. I am very grieved at my behavior but I can’t seem to stop the adrenaline that goes through me when I am treated this way. He has never hit me but a couple of times he has been right in my face yelling at me. We have 3 children, all teens. This has been going on for 20 years but is increasing in intensity.
The more he becomes uncaring and detached, the more I feel helpless to change my situation. I know I can only change myself but I’m becoming more and more detached myself. We live 30 miles away from everything, school, work, church. I feel very isolated.
I’ve talked with my pastor about what happens and he says I should never leave and never go to my mom’s house, no matter how I feel, even if I think I might lose it. He does not tell me what I should do, except to go to God with my troubles. My mom’s house is a safe place for me. She loves us both and is grieved by all this too. She is always nice to my husband despite this.
I used to be a friendly person, still am, but I have no time and ambition to form close friendships and am ashamed to tell people of my problems when they may become apparent. I don’t want to break up my home but the tension of living with this cycle of conflict with no resolution and the behavior that sometimes follows is actually probably shortening both of our lives. I turn to food and am now about 75 pounds overweight. I never was until the last 10 years.
I feel I have no time or energy to take care of myself. I have little motivation. I feel like it doesn’t matter, but I know that this attitude is not fair to people who do love me. My husband says he loves me and does not want me to leave. But it is apparent he does not want to have a real and growing relationship. He wants me to always be amiable and never bothered by anything he does. I have tried this the last three months, and he seemed much happier. But when I mentioned that I still do not feel loved and that if he could say some encouraging things to me that would help, he responded that I am selfish and he can never make me happy. The truth is he never tries to make me happy.
My question is this: How do I deal with an uncaring, defensive, detached husband in an isolated setting with 3 teenagers?
Answer: Your dilemma is one many women face when they are married to a man who is uninterested or unable to look inward and face hard thing about one’s self. You’ve tried to get your husband to wake up and see that there are some things in your marriage that are hurtful to you. You’ve pleaded, begged, cried, gotten angry, left him and even hit him in your frustration and hurt and nothing is opening his eyes and through it all you’re only giving him more ammunition to attack you with. It’s time you change tactics. I know you want me to give you one more strategy to try to get your husband to change his ways and see the light, but he is a man who prefers to dwell in comfortable ignorance verses uncomfortable truth. You will not change that. Even Jesus couldn’t change the Pharisees when they did the same.
But his indifference and unwillingness to change and grow is hurting you. That is where you need to make some changes. This is where I hear you are stuck. I’m going to describe what I see happening. You want a better marriage than this. When you try to get your husband to want one too, he resists, even attacks you for bringing up the fact that you have a C minus/D plus marriage. You want to work harder to have a B-plus marriage but he’s OK with the way things are as long as you don’t bug him about wanting more from him. If you do, he will make things feel worse and then it feels like the marriage is moving from a C-minus to a D-minus. When that happens, you get hurt and afraid and in your adrenaline rush, escalate and then it turns into a disaster.
Then things cool off for a while, your relationship goes back to the C-minus/D plus range and all is well if you act like that’s OK with you. But if you start complaining that you are not happy or asking for more, the whole cycle repeats itself. So what I’m going to share with you is how you learn to be happy in a C-minus/D plus marriage. Otherwise it’s going to kill you.
This may sound harsh but your marriage has become an idol for you. It is the center of your life and you’ve given your husband the power to define you and control your feelings about life and who you are. When you complain to him that he’s hurt you, instead of repenting and realizing that he’s failed you (what you wish he would do), he turns it back on you and reminds you that you’re failing too. So then you apologize for hurting him (in some vague undefined way) and hope that he’ll do the same. But he won’t and it’s driving you crazy with hurt and rage. So your first step of healing is to dethrone your husband from the god position in your life and work to put God there. He knows how hard you’ve worked to be a good wife and he knows your hurts and heartache at having a less than satisfying relationship. He also knows your failings and shame at how you’ve lost it with your husband but I think at this point, your emotional well-being has become too dependent on how your husband loves you or doesn’t. That gives him a lot of power.
Second, it sounds to me like you are or are getting depressed. I would encourage you to take the steps necessary to get help for yourself. That means finding a trusted counselor who you can talk with about these things. Sometimes life is very hard and we do need people to help bear our burdens and help us figure out the next step. You sound like a bright and insightful woman who longs to grow as a person. Part of your marital frustration comes because you are so deeply grieved that your husband seems perfectly content to stay right where he is. You’re not, but don’t let his apathy toward his own personal growth stop yours.
I know you live far from your resources, but you will need to allocate some of your emotional energy now to good self care instead of trying to get your husband to change or improve your marriage. Perhaps you can schedule appointments after work so that you get home later but don’t have to take a second trip out. Your children are old enough that they don’t need you home every minute.
Third, you need some good girlfriends. Please don’t let your embarrassment at your C-minus marriage stop you from making friends. I’ve been a Christian counselor for over 30 years now and I would say that many, many Christian marriages are C-minus marriages. Hopefully there are some or many B-plus or A-minus moments but most marriages don’t stay there. Understanding that may help lower your expectations and give you more contentment for where you and your husband are right now.
Lastly, I’d encourage you to invite your husband to do some things you would enjoy together without talking about “what’s wrong”. Men who are typically defensive and unwilling to look deep within themselves may not be totally bad husbands if you stay away from criticism. In fact, it might be that you can find some B plus moments in shared fun and positive conversation about what’s good rather than what’s wrong. It may surprise you that once you stop asking your husband to be what he isn’t, that you may remember some of the reasons you liked him in the first place. Let him try to operate from his strengths instead of focusing on his weaknesses.
Bottom line: There are some real deal breakers in a marriage. From what you’ve indicated in your letter, you are both are close to that line. But you’ve said you don’t necessarily want to break up your family over this. The question you’ll have to ask yourself is if you stop wanting more from your marriage and husband, can you learn to live contentedly with less? You can learn to be a happy person even in an unhappy marriage.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
How do I honor my mother yet protect my children?
My daughter had her baby yesterday, Amaya Love, 6.5 pounds and 19 inches long. She is beautiful and I can’t wait to meet her. I am so happy to be a grandma. Today’s question poses a struggle how do I honor a parent that is destructive and potentially dangerous?
Question: I’m struggling with what is the best way to honor my parents (mother) but protect my children. My mother had a lot of issues and because of those has dated and married a lot of unsavory men. This exposed my brother and I to a lot of dangerous situations. I have lived in an abused women’s shelter and one of her common-law husbands sexually abused me. When confronted with this by me and the police she would either say she wasn’t aware or blame me. There wasn’t enough evidence to put him in jail so he lived with us for another 6 years.
I could go on and on but my question is this: My mom is now married to a new man and he wants to be called grandpa. I put my foot down and said no for many reasons, one being that my mom does not have a long track record with men and I don’t want my children to become attached. I’m also very wary of one of them hurting my children like they hurt me. My mom wants my children to come and spend the summer with her without supervision and when I tell her “no” she talks to them about it behind my back.
Finally, a therapist told me to cut off ties with her since she is not respecting my boundaries and cutting me down in front of my kids, friends, and in-laws. I just want to know, am I sinning? If God wants her in my life because He commands me to honor my mother then I want to honor God by doing that, but I’m scared that my children could be hurt. What is right? Where in the bible can I stand on this truth?
Answer: Let’s start by looking at what the Bible means “honor” your parents. The word “honor” in the Greek means to value, it doesn’t mean that you must do whatever he or she wants you to do. I believe you can honor (or value) your mother and still say, “No, I can’t allow my children to come to your home for the summer because I’m not comfortable with it.”
If your mother was physically handicapped and incapable of providing a safe environment for the care of your children because of her disability you would understandably have to put some boundaries around their visits. In the same way, your mother’s immaturity, sinfulness, brokenness, whatever you want to call it, hinders her ability to be a safe caregiver for your children. Her judgment is impaired and her ability to take responsibility is limited.
It sounds as if you’re comfortable with your choices, but fear God somehow wants you to honor your mother by letting her have her own way. God gave you your children as sacred gifts and he expects you to be responsible for their care and safety. If that means that you cannot leave them alone with your mother, then that is what you need to do. God knows that. However, you can still honor your mother by spending time with her when you can or in ways that limit her opportunity to be undermining or destructive. You can honor her by not talking disrespectfully to her or about her with others. That does not mean that you shouldn’t speak truthfully, but always with a humble attitude which shows honor for her. You might say something like this.
“Mom I know you’re disappointed that I am not allowing the children to come to your home for the summer, or allowing my kids to call your husband grandpa, but that is my decision and I’m asking that you respect me as their mother, even if you disagree. I want the children to have a relationship with you but I cannot allow you to continue to undermine my decisions by talking with them about it. If you don’t stop I will have to further limit their contact with you. That is your choice but that is not what I would want.”
If she doesn’t stop, you can honor your mother by praying for her, by doing her good when she has a need – either driving her somewhere, paying a bill she needs help with, or helping her with a chore she can’t do herself. When Jesus tells us to “Love our enemy” he knows that sometimes our enemies may come from members of our own families. In the same way, honoring means giving preference, care and respect for this particular person’s needs as you are able. It doesn’t mean doing everything he or she wants.
Question: I’m struggling with what is the best way to honor my parents (mother) but protect my children. My mother had a lot of issues and because of those has dated and married a lot of unsavory men. This exposed my brother and I to a lot of dangerous situations. I have lived in an abused women’s shelter and one of her common-law husbands sexually abused me. When confronted with this by me and the police she would either say she wasn’t aware or blame me. There wasn’t enough evidence to put him in jail so he lived with us for another 6 years.
I could go on and on but my question is this: My mom is now married to a new man and he wants to be called grandpa. I put my foot down and said no for many reasons, one being that my mom does not have a long track record with men and I don’t want my children to become attached. I’m also very wary of one of them hurting my children like they hurt me. My mom wants my children to come and spend the summer with her without supervision and when I tell her “no” she talks to them about it behind my back.
Finally, a therapist told me to cut off ties with her since she is not respecting my boundaries and cutting me down in front of my kids, friends, and in-laws. I just want to know, am I sinning? If God wants her in my life because He commands me to honor my mother then I want to honor God by doing that, but I’m scared that my children could be hurt. What is right? Where in the bible can I stand on this truth?
Answer: Let’s start by looking at what the Bible means “honor” your parents. The word “honor” in the Greek means to value, it doesn’t mean that you must do whatever he or she wants you to do. I believe you can honor (or value) your mother and still say, “No, I can’t allow my children to come to your home for the summer because I’m not comfortable with it.”
If your mother was physically handicapped and incapable of providing a safe environment for the care of your children because of her disability you would understandably have to put some boundaries around their visits. In the same way, your mother’s immaturity, sinfulness, brokenness, whatever you want to call it, hinders her ability to be a safe caregiver for your children. Her judgment is impaired and her ability to take responsibility is limited.
It sounds as if you’re comfortable with your choices, but fear God somehow wants you to honor your mother by letting her have her own way. God gave you your children as sacred gifts and he expects you to be responsible for their care and safety. If that means that you cannot leave them alone with your mother, then that is what you need to do. God knows that. However, you can still honor your mother by spending time with her when you can or in ways that limit her opportunity to be undermining or destructive. You can honor her by not talking disrespectfully to her or about her with others. That does not mean that you shouldn’t speak truthfully, but always with a humble attitude which shows honor for her. You might say something like this.
“Mom I know you’re disappointed that I am not allowing the children to come to your home for the summer, or allowing my kids to call your husband grandpa, but that is my decision and I’m asking that you respect me as their mother, even if you disagree. I want the children to have a relationship with you but I cannot allow you to continue to undermine my decisions by talking with them about it. If you don’t stop I will have to further limit their contact with you. That is your choice but that is not what I would want.”
If she doesn’t stop, you can honor your mother by praying for her, by doing her good when she has a need – either driving her somewhere, paying a bill she needs help with, or helping her with a chore she can’t do herself. When Jesus tells us to “Love our enemy” he knows that sometimes our enemies may come from members of our own families. In the same way, honoring means giving preference, care and respect for this particular person’s needs as you are able. It doesn’t mean doing everything he or she wants.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I need your prayers and you're invited to Friday night!
Hi to all of you who stop by to read my blog,
It's Monday night and I still haven't gotten to this week's question. It's been a crazy two weeks and tonight I'm on empty and so I decided just to ask you all for prayer instead of trying to get it all done.
I was speaking at the Hearts at Home Conference this past weekend in Bloomington, IL on Depression Proofing your Life and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. With the loss of an hour for daylight savings time, flying at the crack of dawn, attending this conference (which was great but exhausting), and the dreary weather,I just need to take it easy for the rest of the evening. So I'll have a new question ready for next week.
But I'd love for you to join me this Friday night (March 19th). I am giving a free seminar at Faith Church in Allentown, PA. It is open to the public and starts at 7pm. The church address is 6528 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown and feel free to invite your friends.
We are video taping two different talks, one on The TRUTH Principle and the other Lord I Just Want to be Happy and would love to have a full audience.
If you have any questions please call our office at 1-877-837-7931.
Thanks for your prayers.
Warmly,
Leslie
It's Monday night and I still haven't gotten to this week's question. It's been a crazy two weeks and tonight I'm on empty and so I decided just to ask you all for prayer instead of trying to get it all done.
I was speaking at the Hearts at Home Conference this past weekend in Bloomington, IL on Depression Proofing your Life and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. With the loss of an hour for daylight savings time, flying at the crack of dawn, attending this conference (which was great but exhausting), and the dreary weather,I just need to take it easy for the rest of the evening. So I'll have a new question ready for next week.
But I'd love for you to join me this Friday night (March 19th). I am giving a free seminar at Faith Church in Allentown, PA. It is open to the public and starts at 7pm. The church address is 6528 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown and feel free to invite your friends.
We are video taping two different talks, one on The TRUTH Principle and the other Lord I Just Want to be Happy and would love to have a full audience.
If you have any questions please call our office at 1-877-837-7931.
Thanks for your prayers.
Warmly,
Leslie
Monday, March 8, 2010
My wife told me she has never loved me. Now what?
Question: Two months ago my wife advised me she has been unhappy, particularly of late, with our marriage. After some initial jostling to figure out the problem she has shared with me that she does not "love" me as wife should love her husband.
Unlike many similar problems like this with married couples who have been married a while she says that she hasn't "fallen out of love", rather she has NEVER had those type of feelings from the beginning. While thinking through our issues over the last year, she realizes now that she was young when we met and living paycheck to paycheck so I provided security and I was a "good guy" she felt she should stay with, but never had the true love feelings a wife should have for her husband when she marries. She got caught up in the "whirlwind" of it, and we were married.
As a result our sex/love/intimate life from day one has been seriously lacking of any substance or depth necessary in gaining and maintaining the closeness a marriage needs. I chalked it up to this just being her nature, and never made too big a deal out of it for fear of trampling on her as a woman, and accepted it out of my love for her. She however knew the reasons, and tried to get by with the bare necessities to make it work as best she could. However, after 17 years of trying she has come to the point she feels she just can't go on in this manner for what she says is the sake of both of us. My wife steadfastly insists she has no sexual or intimate attraction to me and never really did. She is a "pleaser" and is very good at saying and doing the things necessary to keep everyone happy, and avoid confrontation, which in this case she did very well.
I always recognized our "up times" and "down times", but never realized anything to this extent was going on or even possible. Words cannot describe how I feel and the hurt and pain I cannot for the moment escape. We have been to counseling alone and together as well as consulting with the likes of pastors, friends, and a plethora of books and articles from the internet. Nobody can provide any magical answer or cure to this situation and admit this is a somewhat unique situation compared to most cases they have seen. Although no counselor would tell us to get a divorce, no counselor has an alternative solution or other avenue to explore for how my wife feels and her desire to go through with a divorce.
I do not believe my wife ever wanted to hurt me, and, in fact, has spent 17 years trying to capture feelings she never had and feels she never can have with me, which are vital in a marriage. It is hard for me to convey her position, and in reality it is not even my place to do it for her. I will always love her, which is why I will always be there for her. However, at this point if she insists upon a divorce I feel I have no choice, but to proceed with as much love, maturity, strength and dignity as possible so it can be carried out in a way that limits the damage to our two daughters as much as is possible.
Unfortunately, I do not believe this is God's will, but as you know the Bible is full of holy men and women who have acted against God's will because of human nature and sin. My ultimate prayer is for God's grace for everyone involved. More than ever I look forward to a time when we can all be together in God's love with no hurt or suffering. I have faith this will happen, and the day I lose that faith is the day I die.
Answer: I am so sorry for this terrible pain you feel. I’m sure it is devastating to hear that your wife has not felt the kind of physical and emotional attraction that a woman feels for a man. From what you write, it sounds like you are a good person and that you truly care about your wife. As painful as it is for you to hear and for her to say, it is crucial that she learn to be more honest with herself and you with respect to her feelings. She has pretended and placated her entire life, and changing those patterns and habits take time, but are crucial to building true intimacy in any relationship.
You mention that your wife has tried over the years to “make” herself fall in love with you but to no avail. However, the primary ingredient to lasting marital love is not emotion it is choice. We decide to love even when we don’t feel like it. Even those that once felt passionate love, know that those feelings come and go and if they depended on those emotions to stay married they usually don’t stay married for very long.
Psychologists and those who study marital love understand that passionate love must deepen into something greater for marriage to survive the long haul. I fear your wife has bought into a notion of passion as an indicator of genuine love and is willing to throw away her family in search of her one true love.
Psychiatrist Scott Peck, who wrote the best-selling book, The Road Less Travelled has an excellent chapter in his book on love. I’d highly encourage you to check it out of the library and read it with your wife and talk through it together. I mention this particular book because Dr. Peck is a secular yet spiritual psychiatrist who defines love as God does, as a sacrificial commitment to the well being and spiritual growth of another. Peck talks about the myth of romantic love and that “falling in love” is a temporary idealization of the object of one’s attention. Sooner or later, he says, that kind of love has to grow into a deeper committed love or it will not last. For your wife’s emotional, mental and spiritual well-being, it’s important that she see the truth about genuine love.
The good news here is that your wife is finally willing to share honestly with you who she is and how she feels. She wants to stop pretending, but that’s doesn’t have to mean the end your marriage. It does mean however, that you will have some tough talks ahead to work through together. I believe that doing the hard work where you are both wanting to learn to love well can be a new start to building a strong base of committed love as well as positive feelings. I will pray that she will be willing to press pause and think through her next steps very carefully.
Unlike many similar problems like this with married couples who have been married a while she says that she hasn't "fallen out of love", rather she has NEVER had those type of feelings from the beginning. While thinking through our issues over the last year, she realizes now that she was young when we met and living paycheck to paycheck so I provided security and I was a "good guy" she felt she should stay with, but never had the true love feelings a wife should have for her husband when she marries. She got caught up in the "whirlwind" of it, and we were married.
As a result our sex/love/intimate life from day one has been seriously lacking of any substance or depth necessary in gaining and maintaining the closeness a marriage needs. I chalked it up to this just being her nature, and never made too big a deal out of it for fear of trampling on her as a woman, and accepted it out of my love for her. She however knew the reasons, and tried to get by with the bare necessities to make it work as best she could. However, after 17 years of trying she has come to the point she feels she just can't go on in this manner for what she says is the sake of both of us. My wife steadfastly insists she has no sexual or intimate attraction to me and never really did. She is a "pleaser" and is very good at saying and doing the things necessary to keep everyone happy, and avoid confrontation, which in this case she did very well.
I always recognized our "up times" and "down times", but never realized anything to this extent was going on or even possible. Words cannot describe how I feel and the hurt and pain I cannot for the moment escape. We have been to counseling alone and together as well as consulting with the likes of pastors, friends, and a plethora of books and articles from the internet. Nobody can provide any magical answer or cure to this situation and admit this is a somewhat unique situation compared to most cases they have seen. Although no counselor would tell us to get a divorce, no counselor has an alternative solution or other avenue to explore for how my wife feels and her desire to go through with a divorce.
I do not believe my wife ever wanted to hurt me, and, in fact, has spent 17 years trying to capture feelings she never had and feels she never can have with me, which are vital in a marriage. It is hard for me to convey her position, and in reality it is not even my place to do it for her. I will always love her, which is why I will always be there for her. However, at this point if she insists upon a divorce I feel I have no choice, but to proceed with as much love, maturity, strength and dignity as possible so it can be carried out in a way that limits the damage to our two daughters as much as is possible.
Unfortunately, I do not believe this is God's will, but as you know the Bible is full of holy men and women who have acted against God's will because of human nature and sin. My ultimate prayer is for God's grace for everyone involved. More than ever I look forward to a time when we can all be together in God's love with no hurt or suffering. I have faith this will happen, and the day I lose that faith is the day I die.
Answer: I am so sorry for this terrible pain you feel. I’m sure it is devastating to hear that your wife has not felt the kind of physical and emotional attraction that a woman feels for a man. From what you write, it sounds like you are a good person and that you truly care about your wife. As painful as it is for you to hear and for her to say, it is crucial that she learn to be more honest with herself and you with respect to her feelings. She has pretended and placated her entire life, and changing those patterns and habits take time, but are crucial to building true intimacy in any relationship.
You mention that your wife has tried over the years to “make” herself fall in love with you but to no avail. However, the primary ingredient to lasting marital love is not emotion it is choice. We decide to love even when we don’t feel like it. Even those that once felt passionate love, know that those feelings come and go and if they depended on those emotions to stay married they usually don’t stay married for very long.
Psychologists and those who study marital love understand that passionate love must deepen into something greater for marriage to survive the long haul. I fear your wife has bought into a notion of passion as an indicator of genuine love and is willing to throw away her family in search of her one true love.
Psychiatrist Scott Peck, who wrote the best-selling book, The Road Less Travelled has an excellent chapter in his book on love. I’d highly encourage you to check it out of the library and read it with your wife and talk through it together. I mention this particular book because Dr. Peck is a secular yet spiritual psychiatrist who defines love as God does, as a sacrificial commitment to the well being and spiritual growth of another. Peck talks about the myth of romantic love and that “falling in love” is a temporary idealization of the object of one’s attention. Sooner or later, he says, that kind of love has to grow into a deeper committed love or it will not last. For your wife’s emotional, mental and spiritual well-being, it’s important that she see the truth about genuine love.
The good news here is that your wife is finally willing to share honestly with you who she is and how she feels. She wants to stop pretending, but that’s doesn’t have to mean the end your marriage. It does mean however, that you will have some tough talks ahead to work through together. I believe that doing the hard work where you are both wanting to learn to love well can be a new start to building a strong base of committed love as well as positive feelings. I will pray that she will be willing to press pause and think through her next steps very carefully.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My daughter married an abusive liar. Can she get an annulment?
This week I’m in cold and not too sunny Florida trying to get a little R & R with my husband and sister and husband. This week’s question again poses a very interesting dilemma.
Question: My daughter was married almost a year ago. Her husband induced her into a fraudulent marriage. He made promises which were non-negotiable to her. He promised the same to my husband and me before we agreed to give our blessing. He later admitted that he didn’t actually mean what he promised, and not surprisingly he has been abusive, deceitful, and consistently lying since the honeymoon. They did go to counseling and after 4 sessions the Christian counselor (who is highly regarded) told my son in law that he felt he needed individual counseling and that my daughter was doing all she could do, and that he is clearly abusive and needed to work on his misconceptions about marriage and relationships. At that point he refused to ever go back to the marriage counselor.
They have only lived together for 3 months (in hotel rooms and in our home). He left her after she refused to find an apartment with him because she was afraid to be alone with him. She’s been trying to work on their marriage but he has now taken a job for the next 7 months out of state (not through necessity-but desire) without even telling her.
My question is this: She would not have married him had he been truthful in the beginning and she has been assured by a lawyer that due to this level of fraudulent inducement she has legal grounds for an annulment as the marriage is voidable (not religious but civil). She is only 24 years old and her friends are telling her that God doesn’t allow divorce under any circumstances, and that annulment is the same as divorce. My daughter has followed Matthew 18 with her husband and the church but her church friends say, “you are married – that is forever.” They agree he’s a terrible person, but they are insisting that she not take legal action, not to live with him, and simply wait for a miracle. Her pastor takes the same position.
My daughter is losing sleep over this. She is afraid that God will judge her for the decision to leave him. Her counselor tells her to do what God is telling her to do but her counselor has told her very clearly that he doesn’t think there is hope for the marriage, since her husband doesn’t think he is or has a problem.
Our greatest desire is to do God’s will and to not permit our daughter to pursue a course of action which isn’t what God wants. She has been earnestly seeking him and she feels that this is the path that God has cleared for her out of a very bad situation. Selfishly and from a worldly perspective, I just want her away from this man, but I want to be sure I am not justifying my own desire for her.
Answer: This is a terrible situation for you and your daughter and your question has many components. But I want to address your final paragraph first. You say that you do not want to permit your daughter to pursue a course of action which God doesn’t want.
This is your first dilemma. What she does about this horrific situation is not your decision to make. You are her parents and I hope you have a good influence on her, but she is a grown woman and striving to become a healthy adult. Being an adult involves learning to make wise choices as well as praying through her mistakes and problems.
It sounds as if that is what your daughter is trying to do. However, as I read your letter there is a controlling element to her life. Your daughter married an abusive man who lied and is controlling. She attends a church that seeks to control her decision. They are not just giving their opinion, they are speaking as if they know exactly what God wants for her. To me that is very scary.
Your daughter could attend a different church that is biblically sound and conservative and that pastor and congregation may advise her differently. It is not for me to tell you or her what God wants for sure in this situation, other than give you the biblical guidelines to deal with this situation in a wise way.
I think the bigger issue I see here is you and your daughter’s picture of God. The Bible says, “We walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7). There are times when we make a decision because after studying the scriptures and prayer, we believe that is what God is telling us to do. The apostle Paul encourages us when he reminds us that God causes all things to work together for our good….(Romans 8:28,29).
Do you believe that God can use her mistake – that she married this man, to bring him glory and conform her to the image of Christ? In the same way, can he use her mistake if she chooses annulment (if that’s the way you end up looking at her decision) to do the same? I don’t think God sits ready to judge us for our mistakes when we make them in faith. The Bible clearly says that “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God told the psalmist, “I will instruct you and guide you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” (Psalm 32:8).
I believe if your daughter is truly seeking God’s will, God will show her what to do. But she will have to walk that choice out by faith, not by sight and other's mght not agree with her choice. But she is the one who will have to trust God through that decision, whether she leaves and makes a new life for herself, or whether she stays and waits for a miracle, God will use that time to conform her to his image.
Biblical guidelines for this decision she needs to make are important. You mention 2 Timothy 3 and Matthew 18, but I'd have you take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:15 as well as Deuteronomy 22. I think this particular section of scripture has specific application to your situation because it talks about marriage under fraudulent circumstances. If a man believes that his bride was not who she claimed to be (a virgin), the parents were to bring proof to settle the dispute and affirm the validly of the marriage. However, if it was true, that the woman lied, she was to be stoned. Marriage over.
Question: My daughter was married almost a year ago. Her husband induced her into a fraudulent marriage. He made promises which were non-negotiable to her. He promised the same to my husband and me before we agreed to give our blessing. He later admitted that he didn’t actually mean what he promised, and not surprisingly he has been abusive, deceitful, and consistently lying since the honeymoon. They did go to counseling and after 4 sessions the Christian counselor (who is highly regarded) told my son in law that he felt he needed individual counseling and that my daughter was doing all she could do, and that he is clearly abusive and needed to work on his misconceptions about marriage and relationships. At that point he refused to ever go back to the marriage counselor.
They have only lived together for 3 months (in hotel rooms and in our home). He left her after she refused to find an apartment with him because she was afraid to be alone with him. She’s been trying to work on their marriage but he has now taken a job for the next 7 months out of state (not through necessity-but desire) without even telling her.
My question is this: She would not have married him had he been truthful in the beginning and she has been assured by a lawyer that due to this level of fraudulent inducement she has legal grounds for an annulment as the marriage is voidable (not religious but civil). She is only 24 years old and her friends are telling her that God doesn’t allow divorce under any circumstances, and that annulment is the same as divorce. My daughter has followed Matthew 18 with her husband and the church but her church friends say, “you are married – that is forever.” They agree he’s a terrible person, but they are insisting that she not take legal action, not to live with him, and simply wait for a miracle. Her pastor takes the same position.
My daughter is losing sleep over this. She is afraid that God will judge her for the decision to leave him. Her counselor tells her to do what God is telling her to do but her counselor has told her very clearly that he doesn’t think there is hope for the marriage, since her husband doesn’t think he is or has a problem.
Our greatest desire is to do God’s will and to not permit our daughter to pursue a course of action which isn’t what God wants. She has been earnestly seeking him and she feels that this is the path that God has cleared for her out of a very bad situation. Selfishly and from a worldly perspective, I just want her away from this man, but I want to be sure I am not justifying my own desire for her.
Answer: This is a terrible situation for you and your daughter and your question has many components. But I want to address your final paragraph first. You say that you do not want to permit your daughter to pursue a course of action which God doesn’t want.
This is your first dilemma. What she does about this horrific situation is not your decision to make. You are her parents and I hope you have a good influence on her, but she is a grown woman and striving to become a healthy adult. Being an adult involves learning to make wise choices as well as praying through her mistakes and problems.
It sounds as if that is what your daughter is trying to do. However, as I read your letter there is a controlling element to her life. Your daughter married an abusive man who lied and is controlling. She attends a church that seeks to control her decision. They are not just giving their opinion, they are speaking as if they know exactly what God wants for her. To me that is very scary.
Your daughter could attend a different church that is biblically sound and conservative and that pastor and congregation may advise her differently. It is not for me to tell you or her what God wants for sure in this situation, other than give you the biblical guidelines to deal with this situation in a wise way.
I think the bigger issue I see here is you and your daughter’s picture of God. The Bible says, “We walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7). There are times when we make a decision because after studying the scriptures and prayer, we believe that is what God is telling us to do. The apostle Paul encourages us when he reminds us that God causes all things to work together for our good….(Romans 8:28,29).
Do you believe that God can use her mistake – that she married this man, to bring him glory and conform her to the image of Christ? In the same way, can he use her mistake if she chooses annulment (if that’s the way you end up looking at her decision) to do the same? I don’t think God sits ready to judge us for our mistakes when we make them in faith. The Bible clearly says that “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God told the psalmist, “I will instruct you and guide you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” (Psalm 32:8).
I believe if your daughter is truly seeking God’s will, God will show her what to do. But she will have to walk that choice out by faith, not by sight and other's mght not agree with her choice. But she is the one who will have to trust God through that decision, whether she leaves and makes a new life for herself, or whether she stays and waits for a miracle, God will use that time to conform her to his image.
Biblical guidelines for this decision she needs to make are important. You mention 2 Timothy 3 and Matthew 18, but I'd have you take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:15 as well as Deuteronomy 22. I think this particular section of scripture has specific application to your situation because it talks about marriage under fraudulent circumstances. If a man believes that his bride was not who she claimed to be (a virgin), the parents were to bring proof to settle the dispute and affirm the validly of the marriage. However, if it was true, that the woman lied, she was to be stoned. Marriage over.
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