Today is Memorial Day, a day we remember those who have served and are serving in our armed forces and protecting our freedom.
Instead of answering a question, I’m going to blog about how we can learn to be more attentive. God’s Word reminds us and repeatedly warns us not to forget Him.
A long time ago I heard a speaker tell a very old story in Jewish mythology about something called the Guf. He said it is a Hebrew word meaning the well of souls, where, in this legend, the Lord has stored all of the souls of the not-yet-born. In this place, the “guf” all souls are educated into knowledge of the Lord. Before we are born we are told everything about God and Heaven.
And then, just before the Lord implants that soul into the physical body that has been created for it at the moment of conception, an angel comes and touches us on the top of our lip (leaving the impression that we have there), and with that touch we forget everything that we’ve learned. And so we’re born into earthly existence with a dim yearning and a longing for something ─someone that we once knew. Somewhere deep within our heart we are searching for our true love and real home─and we spend our lives─not looking for something that we don’t know but rather─hoping to retrieve something that we do know.
He continued by saying, there’s modern day story that seems to confirm this legend.
He didn’t know where it came from originally, but supposedly it’s true. It’s about a little girl who was 3 years old. Her parents were pregnant and her mother delivered a little baby girl. The 3 year old was very eager to spend time with her new baby sister. The parents suspected that the motivation of their older daughter may not be entirely innocent so they were a little nervous and kept putting her off. But she was insistent that she wanted to spend time with her baby sister and she wanted it to be alone.
Finally the parents decided to give in to her request by letting her go in and visit with her baby sister but they would keep one of those monitors on in the room and stand near the door. If anything dangerous began to happen they could rush in and rescue the newcomer. So they let her go in and listened in on the monitor and heard her approach the crib carefully. They could just barely hear her whisper to her little baby sister,
“Quick, tell me again about God and heaven, I’m beginning to forget”
God’s Word frequently reminds us not to forget him. For example, the Lord warned the Israelites that in prosperity, they would tend to forget him (Deuteronomy 6:10-12). The prophets Isaiah and Jeremiah lament throughout their writings that Israel often forgot God (Isaiah 51:3 Proverbs 3:1).
We not only forget God, we often forget what He tells us, even when we’re working hard to listen to Him. I don’t’ know about you but I can be truly blessed by my morning Bible reading and later that day, be hard pressed to remember exactly what I read. How many of you have been fed on your Pastor’s sermon only to go home and not remember what it was about?
God warns his people, “Only be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live” (Deuteronomy 4:9).
Over the years I have come to realize that some of the obstacles to keeping God in the forefront of our minds have to do with how we live throughout our day. Paul says that we are to “fix our eyes on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). We need to cultivate our spiritual senses to experience God reality so we don’t forget who we are, what God has done for us, why we are here, and what really matters. Satan's plan is to give us spiritual amnesia.
Sadly, I don’t always keep my mind centered in God-centered reality. Sometimes I live my life unconsciously, automatically, going through my daily routine with little reflection on the big picture. In those moments I lack not only God-awareness, but self-awareness. I’m not paying enough attention either to my own heart or God’s.
On the other side of the coin, I can become very absorbed in myself so that I can’t see anything else. I’m so full of pride, or self-pity, or self-hatred, or self-consciousness that I can’t see anything beyond myself and my own temporal troubles.
So how do we not forget God or what’s true, what’s good, and what’s right? What can we do to help ourselves and one another remember?
In everyday life we all do things to help us remember what’s important to us. We put up post it notes, or make lists. We have palm pilots, alarms that ding or even pneumatic tricks to help us remember things to pick up at the grocery store.
But what can we do to remember God so we won’t forget Him or what he’s teaching us or showing us?
God instituted some physical reminders to help the Israelites remember. For example: In the Old Testament there was the smell of the sacrifices burning as a constant reminder of God’s forgiveness and sin.
He also told them to wear things on their clothing that would remind them.
“The Lord said to Moses, “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: Throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corners of your garments, with a blue cord on each tassel. You will have these tassels to look at and so you will REMEMBER all the commands of the Lord, that you may obey them and not prostitute yourselves by going after the lusts of your own hearts and eyes. Then you will REMEMBER to obey all my commands and will be consecrated to your God” (Numbers 15:37).
The writer of Proverbs emphasized doing things to aid in remembering God and his ways. He said,
“My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”
The tool I have used to help me remember God and to pay attention to the big picture is The TRUTH Principle, which is from my book, How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong.
The TRUTH Principle uses a simple acronym from the word truth that helps me remember to keep God and my awareness of His Word and his plan for me central to my life in each moment. Below is a summary.
T. What is your TROUBLE? Can you begin to look at your trouble from God’s perspective so you remember he’s at work in it? (James 1:2-4)
R. What is your RESPONSE to your trouble? How are you thinking, feeling, and responding in the midst of your difficulty? (Luke 6:43)
U. What are your UNDERLYING IDOLS? What are you loving more than God right now? (Matthew 22:37)
T. What is the TRUTH? Whose truth are you listening to most right now? (Psalm 107:20)
H. What is your HEART’S response? Will you surrender to God in this moment? (James 1:22)
So my question to you this week is, What do you use to help you remember God and spiritual reality?
If you contact me in the next 5 days on my Facebook Fan Page at www.facebook.com/leslievernickfanpage, I will randomly select 3 people to receive a free copy of my book, How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong where The TRUTH Priciple is explained in more detail. The winner will be announced next Friday, June 4th.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
How can I be present at family gatherings wihtout being a hypocrite?
Good morning,
My daughter, her husband, and my new grandbaby are with us this week. Well only part of the week as they are heading out to Lancaster to visit his family too. But it’s amazing to me how fast she’s changed in just 8 short weeks.
We attended a family wedding this weekend in Chicago. Actually, my daughter never made it to the wedding because her first flight was cancelled and her second flight was delayed so that they missed the entire wedding. Sometimes we don’t understand what God is up to but I am learning that if we can rest in his Presence and trust in his goodness, then even these little aggravating circumstances can become moments for our own inner transformation.
I was reading this week the familiar story of Peter venturing out into the stormy sea, believing Jesus enough to step out of that boat (Matthew 14:28). But minutes later the reality of the raging storm took hold; the Presence of Jesus fell into the background and Peter began to sink. We so relate to Peter’s plight, we often don’t notice what Jesus said next to him. Surprisingly, Jesus did not commend Peter’s efforts, instead he rebuked him. “Why did you doubt me?” he asked Peter.
I ask myself the same question. Why do I doubt him? Just like Peter, whether we are facing the little storms or big storms of life we start to sink when we doubt what God says. Paul prays for us that “We will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 1 NLT).
Lord Jesus, help me and my friends to believe you, not just believe in you. It is in believing what you tell us that we find rest, peace, joy and hope for our souls. As Peter and the disciples did in this story, help us worship you as King of King and Lord of Lords. You are who you say you are and we can rest fully in your love only when we believe you.
Today’s Question: My husband’s brother and wife have severely wronged my family. I am filled with so much resentment toward them I can’t stand to be in their presence. But sometimes I have to be. I know I need to let go of my hatred and resentment, but I don’t want them just to think everything is okay between us. How can I be present at required family gatherings without being a hypocrite?
Answer: I think the greatest emotional wounds come from those we thought were friends. King David struggled with this kind of pain in Psalm 55 when he cried out, “”It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend.”
Let me break up your question into two parts. The first part is to look at what this sin against you is doing to you. The apostle Paul encourages us to “Not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21). Evil was done TO you. But don’t allow your normal anger from what’s happened to fester. If you do it will infect you with its poison so that you will become full of bitterness, resentment and hatred. Understand that although you feel perfectly justified, when we get stuck here, we’ve allowed Satan a foothold into our life and heart (Ephesians 4:27).
Overcome is a fighting word. It is active, something we must do so that we will never be eternally injured by evil despite being wounded by it. Satan may have gotten hold of your brother-in-law and his wife, but don’t let him get a hold of you.
I’d encourage you to journal, pray to God (as David often did in the Psalms), when feelings overwhelm you. I’d also encourage you to choose to forgive, even if those who sinned against you have never asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness releases the toxins from your soul and body. It doesn’t necessarily restore a relationship, especially when there has been no repentance on the part of the other family.
Your second question however is also important. You do not want to be misleading your family members into thinking the relationship has been repaired or restored, just because you no longer are acting resentful or angry toward them. I think this is a really important issue because I find in counseling married couples, one or the other finds it hard to let go of his or her anger, because nothing has really been changed. Therefore we think that somehow hanging onto our anger communicates that “Things are not better.”
I think words can better serve that function. You might need to have a conversation or send a letter to your relatives saying something like this:
We have been severely hurt and financially impacted by what you have done to our family. We do not understand your reasons for the actions you took against us but whatever reasons you had, do not justify the pain you have caused. Our personal and family relationship has been broken and we do not know how to repair it. Although we will make every attempt to be polite and civil during family meetings, please do not engage us in personal conversation. We are working hard to forgive you but we do not trust you nor do we desire to share personal information about our family with you.
We will continue to pray for you and your family.
In the Bible, Joseph was severely betrayed by his brothers and sold in to slavery. Then he was falsely accused of rape and sent to prison. Joseph had every reason to be bitter and resentful but he did not allow what other people did to him, turn him into something evil. He overcame evil with good. (See Genesis 37-45)
Joseph had no contact with his family for years after they sold him into slavery. When they came to him for food during a famine in their own country, they had no idea that the person they were talking with was their brother Joseph, though he knew who they were. Although Joseph was gracious, even generous, to his brothers, he did not trust them. He remembered their treachery and did not make himself vulnerable to them. It was only after a series of tests, did Joseph reveal himself to them. He loved his enemies by helping them, (as Jesus commands us to do) but he did not personally fellowship with them until he knew their hearts were different.
In the same way, there is no commandment that says we have to have close fellowship with everyone, even if they are relatives. Therefore set up some boundaries that make it clear the status of your relationship so that you no longer need to hold on to resentment to communicate where you are at.
Remember, your resentment is hurting you, not them. Let it go.
Today’s Question: How hard is it for you to use words to communicate your boundaries with someone? How have you have worked on that?
My daughter, her husband, and my new grandbaby are with us this week. Well only part of the week as they are heading out to Lancaster to visit his family too. But it’s amazing to me how fast she’s changed in just 8 short weeks.
We attended a family wedding this weekend in Chicago. Actually, my daughter never made it to the wedding because her first flight was cancelled and her second flight was delayed so that they missed the entire wedding. Sometimes we don’t understand what God is up to but I am learning that if we can rest in his Presence and trust in his goodness, then even these little aggravating circumstances can become moments for our own inner transformation.
I was reading this week the familiar story of Peter venturing out into the stormy sea, believing Jesus enough to step out of that boat (Matthew 14:28). But minutes later the reality of the raging storm took hold; the Presence of Jesus fell into the background and Peter began to sink. We so relate to Peter’s plight, we often don’t notice what Jesus said next to him. Surprisingly, Jesus did not commend Peter’s efforts, instead he rebuked him. “Why did you doubt me?” he asked Peter.
I ask myself the same question. Why do I doubt him? Just like Peter, whether we are facing the little storms or big storms of life we start to sink when we doubt what God says. Paul prays for us that “We will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 1 NLT).
Lord Jesus, help me and my friends to believe you, not just believe in you. It is in believing what you tell us that we find rest, peace, joy and hope for our souls. As Peter and the disciples did in this story, help us worship you as King of King and Lord of Lords. You are who you say you are and we can rest fully in your love only when we believe you.
Today’s Question: My husband’s brother and wife have severely wronged my family. I am filled with so much resentment toward them I can’t stand to be in their presence. But sometimes I have to be. I know I need to let go of my hatred and resentment, but I don’t want them just to think everything is okay between us. How can I be present at required family gatherings without being a hypocrite?
Answer: I think the greatest emotional wounds come from those we thought were friends. King David struggled with this kind of pain in Psalm 55 when he cried out, “”It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend.”
Let me break up your question into two parts. The first part is to look at what this sin against you is doing to you. The apostle Paul encourages us to “Not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21). Evil was done TO you. But don’t allow your normal anger from what’s happened to fester. If you do it will infect you with its poison so that you will become full of bitterness, resentment and hatred. Understand that although you feel perfectly justified, when we get stuck here, we’ve allowed Satan a foothold into our life and heart (Ephesians 4:27).
Overcome is a fighting word. It is active, something we must do so that we will never be eternally injured by evil despite being wounded by it. Satan may have gotten hold of your brother-in-law and his wife, but don’t let him get a hold of you.
I’d encourage you to journal, pray to God (as David often did in the Psalms), when feelings overwhelm you. I’d also encourage you to choose to forgive, even if those who sinned against you have never asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness releases the toxins from your soul and body. It doesn’t necessarily restore a relationship, especially when there has been no repentance on the part of the other family.
Your second question however is also important. You do not want to be misleading your family members into thinking the relationship has been repaired or restored, just because you no longer are acting resentful or angry toward them. I think this is a really important issue because I find in counseling married couples, one or the other finds it hard to let go of his or her anger, because nothing has really been changed. Therefore we think that somehow hanging onto our anger communicates that “Things are not better.”
I think words can better serve that function. You might need to have a conversation or send a letter to your relatives saying something like this:
We have been severely hurt and financially impacted by what you have done to our family. We do not understand your reasons for the actions you took against us but whatever reasons you had, do not justify the pain you have caused. Our personal and family relationship has been broken and we do not know how to repair it. Although we will make every attempt to be polite and civil during family meetings, please do not engage us in personal conversation. We are working hard to forgive you but we do not trust you nor do we desire to share personal information about our family with you.
We will continue to pray for you and your family.
In the Bible, Joseph was severely betrayed by his brothers and sold in to slavery. Then he was falsely accused of rape and sent to prison. Joseph had every reason to be bitter and resentful but he did not allow what other people did to him, turn him into something evil. He overcame evil with good. (See Genesis 37-45)
Joseph had no contact with his family for years after they sold him into slavery. When they came to him for food during a famine in their own country, they had no idea that the person they were talking with was their brother Joseph, though he knew who they were. Although Joseph was gracious, even generous, to his brothers, he did not trust them. He remembered their treachery and did not make himself vulnerable to them. It was only after a series of tests, did Joseph reveal himself to them. He loved his enemies by helping them, (as Jesus commands us to do) but he did not personally fellowship with them until he knew their hearts were different.
In the same way, there is no commandment that says we have to have close fellowship with everyone, even if they are relatives. Therefore set up some boundaries that make it clear the status of your relationship so that you no longer need to hold on to resentment to communicate where you are at.
Remember, your resentment is hurting you, not them. Let it go.
Today’s Question: How hard is it for you to use words to communicate your boundaries with someone? How have you have worked on that?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Does "For better or worse" mean I have to stay living with my abusive spouse?
Hi Everyone,
Yesterday I spent much of the day creating beauty in my garden. There is something of God’s image stamped within us that compels us to want to create beauty in our environment. It is soothing. It is refreshing. It inspires us to worship Him. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too.
Don’t forget, we are having a drawing on Friday for a 1 hour free coaching session for those who post a review of one of my books or my speaking on my Facebook Fan page. Go to www.facebook/leslievernickfanpage under “REVIEWS” to post your review. Friday, the winner will be notified and we will schedule a session.
This week we also will start “twittering”. Sign up to receive your tweets! www.twitter.com/leslievernick
This week’s Question: I am re-reading your wonderful book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. I wrote you several weeks ago and you suggested that I enter into the STAND BACK stage (waiting in love) as I have been doing. Any communication that I try to enter into with my husband still becomes toxic.
My husband has told his parents about the situation we have and his mom (age 89) is upset with me and say that marriage is for better OR for WORSE” She and my father-in-law have been cutting communication with me. (They BOTH know that their son, my husband, has rage, control and abusive issues).
Is it BIBLICAL doing what I am doing? IS marriage SUPPOSED to be “for better OR for WORSE?
Answer: The traditional marriage vows that people typically recite (unless we write our own) are not taken directly from the Scriptures but from the Book of Common Prayer which was first published in 1662.
That does not mean that these vows do not contain scriptural elements. I cannot begin to look at everything scripture teaches about marriage, divorce and relationship in this short blog (entire books are written about it) but let’s just look briefly at the big Biblical picture.
We know that marriage was first established by God (Genesis 2:18-25) and is a picture of Christ and the church. Marriage is meant to be life-long and a permanent commitment. We also know that divorce was not God’s best, but because of sin, occurred (Deuteronomy 24:1; Mark 10:5-10).
We know that God hates divorce, (Malachi 2:16) but there are lots of other things that God hates as well. (See for example: Proverbs 6:16; or Isaiah 61:8.)
When asked which commandment was the most important, Jesus answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30,31).
To love someone biblically means that we are to seek another person’s well-being, even when it is difficult and may cost us. Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Christ calls us to likewise love our enemies and to do good to those to mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Yet how do we practically live that out that command when we are in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to us, mistreats us, tries to control us, or abuses us? Too often, we have misunderstood unconditional love as meaning unconditional relationship. There is a subtle but important distinction.
Last fall, I spoke at a fund raiser for Focus Ministries, an organization that offers educational and supportive services to victims of domestic violence. A number of women shared with me that the counsel they received from their pastor, church leader or Christian counselor was to reconcile, reminding her of God’s command to forgive and to love unconditionally. Adultery, they said, was the only biblical grounds for divorce.
Implied in the counseling these women received is the idea that we are called by God to maintain a relationship with someone even when he or she is repeatedly destructive toward us. In other words, “For better or worse.”
But is that counsel truly biblical? Are we ever permitted to end a relationship or distance ourselves from someone because of their unchanged sinful behavior?
God love for humankind is unconditional but he does not offer anyone unconditional relationship. He tells us that our sin separates us from him and that without repentance we have no fellowship with him (1 John 1:6). Our sin does not separate us from God’s love (Romans 5:8) but it does separate us from his presence (Isaiah 59:1-2). Jesus distanced himself from certain religious leaders because he didn’t trust them. He knew what was in their heart (John 2:24). Throughout much of the Old Testament, God withdraws his presence from his people because of unrepentant sin.
God calls people to a covenant relationship that is like a marriage. He not only wants us to enjoy his love, he wants us to love him back (Deuteronomy 6:5). He not only promises us his faithfulness, he requires that we be faithful in return (Deuteronomy 4:23-24). The book of Hosea is a picture of God’s love for his unfaithful spouse (Israel). He longs for her, but his relationship with her will remain broken until she is willing to change.
In this sinful world there is no perfect person and in every relationship there is some brokenness and suffering. That’s why Jesus tells us that when someone sins against us we are to go and talk to that person so that we can be reconciled. However, he also adds, if they refuse to hear you after you have repeatedly tried to get them to listen, he says, “Treat them as you would a pagan and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). Jesus says, if there is no repentance, the relationship you once had changes. Pagans and tax collectors were not trusted, nor were they friends, although a good Jew would help a pagan or tax collector who was in need, fulfilling the biblical mandate to love one’s enemy.
There are certain basic conditions necessary for any relationship (personal and professional) to be healthy and safe. They are mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. The operative word is mutual. One person can certainly make a bad relationship better all by herself which may eliminate some strife and dissention, but one person cannot turn a bad relationship into a good relationship all by herself. It is an unfair and heavy burden we have often unknowingly placed on people because we want to be biblical.
What’s the alternative? When my mother was ill and needed assistance, I was willing to go to her, help her out as I could, and care for her needs despite the fact that we had not spoken in over 15 years due to her alcoholism and abusive behavior. I could love her unconditionally (seek her well-being) and I had long ago forgiven her, but we had no relationship. I did not trust her and I didn’t not expect anything mutual. It was all one-sided, it was ministry not relationship.
We are indeed called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love (Ephesians 5:1), but let’s not put a yoke on someone to do something that God himself doesn’t do. God is good to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have relationship with both. When someone repeatedly sins against us and is not repentant and willing to change, it’s not possible to have a healthy or safe relationship.
Being in close fellowship with someone is not a right, even if both people are Christians. It is a sacred privilege. The apostle Paul advises us to distance ourselves from people who are continually destructive, especially if their behaviors or attitudes are sinful and unacceptable, both to us and to God (1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15). Loving a person unconditionally may indeed require sacrifice and suffering but we suffer and sacrifice for another person’s good, not to allow them to continue to sin against us. That is foolishness, not biblical love. Too many counselees have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be nice and suffer quietly, even as they are being mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, “Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”
Yesterday I spent much of the day creating beauty in my garden. There is something of God’s image stamped within us that compels us to want to create beauty in our environment. It is soothing. It is refreshing. It inspires us to worship Him. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too.
Don’t forget, we are having a drawing on Friday for a 1 hour free coaching session for those who post a review of one of my books or my speaking on my Facebook Fan page. Go to www.facebook/leslievernickfanpage under “REVIEWS” to post your review. Friday, the winner will be notified and we will schedule a session.
This week we also will start “twittering”. Sign up to receive your tweets! www.twitter.com/leslievernick
This week’s Question: I am re-reading your wonderful book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. I wrote you several weeks ago and you suggested that I enter into the STAND BACK stage (waiting in love) as I have been doing. Any communication that I try to enter into with my husband still becomes toxic.
My husband has told his parents about the situation we have and his mom (age 89) is upset with me and say that marriage is for better OR for WORSE” She and my father-in-law have been cutting communication with me. (They BOTH know that their son, my husband, has rage, control and abusive issues).
Is it BIBLICAL doing what I am doing? IS marriage SUPPOSED to be “for better OR for WORSE?
Answer: The traditional marriage vows that people typically recite (unless we write our own) are not taken directly from the Scriptures but from the Book of Common Prayer which was first published in 1662.
That does not mean that these vows do not contain scriptural elements. I cannot begin to look at everything scripture teaches about marriage, divorce and relationship in this short blog (entire books are written about it) but let’s just look briefly at the big Biblical picture.
We know that marriage was first established by God (Genesis 2:18-25) and is a picture of Christ and the church. Marriage is meant to be life-long and a permanent commitment. We also know that divorce was not God’s best, but because of sin, occurred (Deuteronomy 24:1; Mark 10:5-10).
We know that God hates divorce, (Malachi 2:16) but there are lots of other things that God hates as well. (See for example: Proverbs 6:16; or Isaiah 61:8.)
When asked which commandment was the most important, Jesus answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30,31).
To love someone biblically means that we are to seek another person’s well-being, even when it is difficult and may cost us. Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Christ calls us to likewise love our enemies and to do good to those to mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Yet how do we practically live that out that command when we are in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lies to us, mistreats us, tries to control us, or abuses us? Too often, we have misunderstood unconditional love as meaning unconditional relationship. There is a subtle but important distinction.
Last fall, I spoke at a fund raiser for Focus Ministries, an organization that offers educational and supportive services to victims of domestic violence. A number of women shared with me that the counsel they received from their pastor, church leader or Christian counselor was to reconcile, reminding her of God’s command to forgive and to love unconditionally. Adultery, they said, was the only biblical grounds for divorce.
Implied in the counseling these women received is the idea that we are called by God to maintain a relationship with someone even when he or she is repeatedly destructive toward us. In other words, “For better or worse.”
But is that counsel truly biblical? Are we ever permitted to end a relationship or distance ourselves from someone because of their unchanged sinful behavior?
God love for humankind is unconditional but he does not offer anyone unconditional relationship. He tells us that our sin separates us from him and that without repentance we have no fellowship with him (1 John 1:6). Our sin does not separate us from God’s love (Romans 5:8) but it does separate us from his presence (Isaiah 59:1-2). Jesus distanced himself from certain religious leaders because he didn’t trust them. He knew what was in their heart (John 2:24). Throughout much of the Old Testament, God withdraws his presence from his people because of unrepentant sin.
God calls people to a covenant relationship that is like a marriage. He not only wants us to enjoy his love, he wants us to love him back (Deuteronomy 6:5). He not only promises us his faithfulness, he requires that we be faithful in return (Deuteronomy 4:23-24). The book of Hosea is a picture of God’s love for his unfaithful spouse (Israel). He longs for her, but his relationship with her will remain broken until she is willing to change.
In this sinful world there is no perfect person and in every relationship there is some brokenness and suffering. That’s why Jesus tells us that when someone sins against us we are to go and talk to that person so that we can be reconciled. However, he also adds, if they refuse to hear you after you have repeatedly tried to get them to listen, he says, “Treat them as you would a pagan and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). Jesus says, if there is no repentance, the relationship you once had changes. Pagans and tax collectors were not trusted, nor were they friends, although a good Jew would help a pagan or tax collector who was in need, fulfilling the biblical mandate to love one’s enemy.
There are certain basic conditions necessary for any relationship (personal and professional) to be healthy and safe. They are mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect. The operative word is mutual. One person can certainly make a bad relationship better all by herself which may eliminate some strife and dissention, but one person cannot turn a bad relationship into a good relationship all by herself. It is an unfair and heavy burden we have often unknowingly placed on people because we want to be biblical.
What’s the alternative? When my mother was ill and needed assistance, I was willing to go to her, help her out as I could, and care for her needs despite the fact that we had not spoken in over 15 years due to her alcoholism and abusive behavior. I could love her unconditionally (seek her well-being) and I had long ago forgiven her, but we had no relationship. I did not trust her and I didn’t not expect anything mutual. It was all one-sided, it was ministry not relationship.
We are indeed called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love (Ephesians 5:1), but let’s not put a yoke on someone to do something that God himself doesn’t do. God is good to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have relationship with both. When someone repeatedly sins against us and is not repentant and willing to change, it’s not possible to have a healthy or safe relationship.
Being in close fellowship with someone is not a right, even if both people are Christians. It is a sacred privilege. The apostle Paul advises us to distance ourselves from people who are continually destructive, especially if their behaviors or attitudes are sinful and unacceptable, both to us and to God (1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15). Loving a person unconditionally may indeed require sacrifice and suffering but we suffer and sacrifice for another person’s good, not to allow them to continue to sin against us. That is foolishness, not biblical love. Too many counselees have been wrongly instructed that biblical love means they must be nice and suffer quietly, even as they are being mistreated and abused. But as C.S. Lewis wisely wrote, “Love is more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
How do I move beyond hurtful words?
This week I have been diligently working on a new e-newsletter which hopefully will be in your mailbox by Friday. If you haven’t signed up to receive my newsletter on line, go to www.leslievernick.com.
The topic of the newsletter is Do you Talk to Yourself? I’ve also been working to update my Facebook page with pictures of places I’ve been in ministry as well as some teaching videos. Please visit my fan page at www.facebook.com/leslievernickfanpage.
I’m also now on twitter at www.twitter.com/leslievernick. Please sign up to receive updates.
I also need your help: If you have read one of my books and/or have heard me speak and would like to leave a review, please write on and put it on the review page of my Facebook fan page. Everyone who posts a review in the next 7 days will be entered in a drawing to receive a 30 minute free coaching/counseling session with me by phone.
In last week’s blog we talked about moving beyond our fear. Today I want to continue looking at how we heal from destructive words that continue to control our lives.
Question: Although I’m no longer in a destructive relationship with my abusive husband, I still hear his words in my head. How do I stop those negative voices from keeping me locked in fear and feelings of worthlessness?
We all struggle with different voices in our head. Not audible voices I hope, but the Bible teaches that people’s words are powerful. From infancy, we begin to absorb and internalize the words that have been spoken about us and to us, whether they are lies or truth. In addition, the Bible tells us that we battle the world, the flesh and the devil and all of these forces (voices) are vying for our attention.
So how do we decide which voices we are going to pay attention to and which ones we need to ignore? I’ve been reading through the book of Mark for the past few weeks and I’ve been struck by how many hurtful things were said about Jesus and to Jesus. Yet, he wasn’t destroyed by them, nor did he allow what other’s said or thought to control him.
At one time his own family said, “He’s out of his mind.” The religious leaders said, “He’s possessed by Satan.” (see Mark 3) And people shouted abuse, mocking and ridiculing Jesus when he was hanging from the cross. (see Mark 15). I’m sure these hurtful words were painful to Jesus, yet he did not allow them to define him or change him. He knew who he was because there was another voice he was listening to that was more powerful than all the rest. He said of himself, “I always listen to what the Father tells me.”
Who we are, in other words our identity or self-concept, is formed in relationship. When we have been in abusive or destructive relationships it does impact our view of ourselves unless we are in a relationship with another person who counters those destructive comments. For example, when a child grows up in a healthy home where her parents affirm her and encourage her, hurtful comments by classmates may sting, but they do not destroy. In the same way, when we are listening to God and believe what he says about who he is in our lives, and who we are to him, other people’s words are not nearly as potent.
If you read through the scriptures, especially the Old Testament, you will often be privy to hear a dialogue between God and someone, or the nation of Israel. For example, in Deuteronomy, God told the Israelites in the midst of their fear, “You may say to yourselves, “these nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?’ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt… (Deuteronomy 7:17).
In another passage, the Israelites doubted God’s love and care for them. They said,
“The Lord has deserted us, the Lord has forgotten us.”
Have you ever felt that way? This is how God answered Israel’s internal self-talk.
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you. See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:14-16 NLT
God knows that fear is a core emotion because we struggle with unbelief. Even when we want to believe, we have doubts. We aren’t sure he’s really there, or that he deeply loves us personally. So what are we to do?
I’ve been enjoying my new role as a grandma. When Amaya get’s upset or is crying and I don’t know what’s wrong, I whisper softly into her ear soothing, comforting words. I know she doesn’t understand language yet, but somehow she intuitively understands love, comfort, security, and safety. She settles down because she is trusting that I am taking care of her and I am with her. I think in the same way, God tells us repeatedly throughout the scriptures, “Do not be afraid,” Or “Be anxious for nothing,” He’s not saying these words as a command to obey, but as a loving father whispering into our ear to remind us that he is present and he cares about what we are going through.
Jesus tells us, “My sheep know my voice.” (John 10:4). Much of the Christian journey is learning to believe God. Jesus tells his followers when they asked, “What must we do to do the works God requires.” Jesus simply responded, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” (John 6:28,29)
Believing God takes work sometimes. So this week’s question is this: When your thoughts and feelings are contrary to what God says, who wins?
The topic of the newsletter is Do you Talk to Yourself? I’ve also been working to update my Facebook page with pictures of places I’ve been in ministry as well as some teaching videos. Please visit my fan page at www.facebook.com/leslievernickfanpage.
I’m also now on twitter at www.twitter.com/leslievernick. Please sign up to receive updates.
I also need your help: If you have read one of my books and/or have heard me speak and would like to leave a review, please write on and put it on the review page of my Facebook fan page. Everyone who posts a review in the next 7 days will be entered in a drawing to receive a 30 minute free coaching/counseling session with me by phone.
In last week’s blog we talked about moving beyond our fear. Today I want to continue looking at how we heal from destructive words that continue to control our lives.
Question: Although I’m no longer in a destructive relationship with my abusive husband, I still hear his words in my head. How do I stop those negative voices from keeping me locked in fear and feelings of worthlessness?
We all struggle with different voices in our head. Not audible voices I hope, but the Bible teaches that people’s words are powerful. From infancy, we begin to absorb and internalize the words that have been spoken about us and to us, whether they are lies or truth. In addition, the Bible tells us that we battle the world, the flesh and the devil and all of these forces (voices) are vying for our attention.
So how do we decide which voices we are going to pay attention to and which ones we need to ignore? I’ve been reading through the book of Mark for the past few weeks and I’ve been struck by how many hurtful things were said about Jesus and to Jesus. Yet, he wasn’t destroyed by them, nor did he allow what other’s said or thought to control him.
At one time his own family said, “He’s out of his mind.” The religious leaders said, “He’s possessed by Satan.” (see Mark 3) And people shouted abuse, mocking and ridiculing Jesus when he was hanging from the cross. (see Mark 15). I’m sure these hurtful words were painful to Jesus, yet he did not allow them to define him or change him. He knew who he was because there was another voice he was listening to that was more powerful than all the rest. He said of himself, “I always listen to what the Father tells me.”
Who we are, in other words our identity or self-concept, is formed in relationship. When we have been in abusive or destructive relationships it does impact our view of ourselves unless we are in a relationship with another person who counters those destructive comments. For example, when a child grows up in a healthy home where her parents affirm her and encourage her, hurtful comments by classmates may sting, but they do not destroy. In the same way, when we are listening to God and believe what he says about who he is in our lives, and who we are to him, other people’s words are not nearly as potent.
If you read through the scriptures, especially the Old Testament, you will often be privy to hear a dialogue between God and someone, or the nation of Israel. For example, in Deuteronomy, God told the Israelites in the midst of their fear, “You may say to yourselves, “these nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?’ But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt… (Deuteronomy 7:17).
In another passage, the Israelites doubted God’s love and care for them. They said,
“The Lord has deserted us, the Lord has forgotten us.”
Have you ever felt that way? This is how God answered Israel’s internal self-talk.
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you. See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:14-16 NLT
God knows that fear is a core emotion because we struggle with unbelief. Even when we want to believe, we have doubts. We aren’t sure he’s really there, or that he deeply loves us personally. So what are we to do?
I’ve been enjoying my new role as a grandma. When Amaya get’s upset or is crying and I don’t know what’s wrong, I whisper softly into her ear soothing, comforting words. I know she doesn’t understand language yet, but somehow she intuitively understands love, comfort, security, and safety. She settles down because she is trusting that I am taking care of her and I am with her. I think in the same way, God tells us repeatedly throughout the scriptures, “Do not be afraid,” Or “Be anxious for nothing,” He’s not saying these words as a command to obey, but as a loving father whispering into our ear to remind us that he is present and he cares about what we are going through.
Jesus tells us, “My sheep know my voice.” (John 10:4). Much of the Christian journey is learning to believe God. Jesus tells his followers when they asked, “What must we do to do the works God requires.” Jesus simply responded, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” (John 6:28,29)
Believing God takes work sometimes. So this week’s question is this: When your thoughts and feelings are contrary to what God says, who wins?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today's blog is late
Hi Everyone,
I thought I would just letyou know I'm running late in getting this weekly blog done. I'm trying to tie it into finishing up my e-newsletter which should be done by Wednesday but I'm behind on that as well. But I hope to get the blog finished by Wednesday. Thanks for your patience.
Hwe are a few of the questions we will cover in the next few weeks.
1. How do I not let someone's hurtful words control me? Part 2 (from last week)
2. What does "For Better or Worse" mean in marriage vows? Does that mean I have to put up with anything because I promised for better or worse?
3. How do I spend time in someone’s presence, without resentment yet I don’t want them to think everything is OK?
I'll be back on Wednesday!
Warmly,
Leslie
I thought I would just letyou know I'm running late in getting this weekly blog done. I'm trying to tie it into finishing up my e-newsletter which should be done by Wednesday but I'm behind on that as well. But I hope to get the blog finished by Wednesday. Thanks for your patience.
Hwe are a few of the questions we will cover in the next few weeks.
1. How do I not let someone's hurtful words control me? Part 2 (from last week)
2. What does "For Better or Worse" mean in marriage vows? Does that mean I have to put up with anything because I promised for better or worse?
3. How do I spend time in someone’s presence, without resentment yet I don’t want them to think everything is OK?
I'll be back on Wednesday!
Warmly,
Leslie
Monday, May 3, 2010
How do I stop living in fear of my husband's words?
Blessings everyone!
I am truly grateful for all of you who take the time to read this blog. If you haven’t noticed, I’m taking just a little bit of my blog space to share some personal musings and thoughts with you from time to time. I want to get to know you and for you to feel free to interact with one another.
Please visit my new Facebook fan page for the latest happenings in my ministry at www.facebook.com/leslievernickfanpage.com. I’ll be posting some photos of my teaching (missions) trips to Russia and Romania as well as my visit with orphans in Cambodia including the famous elephant ride mentioned in Chapter 2 of Lord, I Just Want to be Happy! I’m getting a little more savvy at this whole social networking thing and little by little I’m getting plugged in! Whohoo! (true confessions – Donna my office manager is doing most of the technical stuff for me)
While traveling recently I saw a painting with this quote on it. I loved it and thought I’d share it with you.
“Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life.” Brian Andreas
Did you ever see hardship as an angelic wake-up call? Sometimes I think the good things in life can become obstacles to the deeper life in Christ. It is a kindness that God wake us from our self satisfied stupor so that we don’t allow the good things of life to rob us of the best things.
This weeks’ question: I have been married for 22 years with 3 wonderful children. Sad to say, I have been emotionally and psychologically abused by my husband since the beginning of our relationship. I never knew what to call it but I knew that deep inside it felt REALLY BAD and hurt terribly. Miraculously, last year I read in article in REDBOOK magazine that had a story about emotional abuse and what it looked like. I was in tears, devouring every single word of the article. I couldn’t believe how much they described my years and years of agony, humiliations, belittling, manipulating and heartaches (to name only a few). I kept hoping someone would rescue me. But now I know that just doesn’t happen in real life, only in fairy tales. I know I need to help myself.
Since I read that article I haven’t been the same and unfortunately my health is suffering. I am losing sleep, my blood pressure is high and my heart rate escalates when he has one of his “tantrums.” I live in constant fear. Fear is what has kept me in this destructive relationship. He always put fear in me and the kids. Fear of everything around us. Fear of causing him to get “angry” at us and make him go into his rage and fury. And now I fear living life without him. I don’t know how or what it is to make a decision for myself. He has always dictated and criticized what I wear, when and where I could go, what and what not to say, what to eat, and gave me an allowance when I was “good”.
The one thing my husband did was provide for us financially very well. We have never known what it is to not have money. I’m afraid that if I leave, I won’t know how to live. Where do I start?
Answer: Fear is probably the most basic emotion known to us. When we allow it, fear will control our decisions and keep us shackled and bound in some pretty unhealthy patterns. Some of the most common fears we all face to one degree or another are the fear of failure (making mistakes, feeling stupid) and fear of rejection or being alone (or making someone unhappy or angry with us).
It’s not surprising that the one thing that God says most to his people throughout the scriptures is “Fear not!” or “Don’t’ be afraid.” God knows that fear is a powerful emotion that can only be tackled when we face it head on and learn to practice the opposite virtues of faith and courage . This morning I was reading in Psalms and in one psalm David had so much confidence and faith in God that he courageously said “What do I have to fear?” and then just a few psalms later, he writes, “When I am afraid, I will trust in God.” Sometimes we have so much faith we don’t feel so afraid, and other times we feel afraid and so we need to trust God in our fear.
You mention that living in this destructive relationship is now having negative consequences to your health. That is not uncommon but it is another reminder that you need to make some changes.
Remember Dorothy in the movie The Wizzard of Oz? She was terrified when the wizard breathed fire and made all sorts of threats. Then Toto, her little dog, ran behind the curtain and Dorothy realized that the wizard was not a wizard at all. He was just an ordinary, rather small man. Once she saw him as he really was, he ceased having the power to scare her or control her actions. This is the first step in breaking free from your husband’s control. Although he may have loud tantrums and rages, inside he is just an ordinary human being who is broken and sinful, just like the rest of us. His actions are a reflection of who he is, not what you have done or not done to make him upset. Stop taking responsibility for his abusive behaviors. It is about who he is, not what you’ve done.
You also mentioned that physical abuse occurred early in the marriage but that has stopped and it is ugly words that are now his weapons of choice. Pray that God would give you the courage and wisdom to know how to respond in a new way. Instead of cowering or allowing yourself to be vomited on, give yourself practice dress rehearsals in your mind how you want to respond differently when he starts one of his tantrums. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up strife.” The most tempting thing to do when someone is angry is to be angry back (even if it's only internally while we look passive on the outisde). It takes courage and strength to gently respond and say, “When you talk like that I can’t hear you. When you’re ready to have a conversation about it, I’ll listen but I’m not going to allow myself to be screamed at any more.” Then walk away, go to another room, or last resort put your hands over your ears so you are communicating to him very clearly you will not allow yourself to be vomited all over. There is nothing you can “do” to make him stop, but you don’t have to stand there and absorb it.
If he escalates with physical abuse or threats, get out of the house (or lock yourself in a room) and call the police. You may also need to seek help from a woman’s shelter that can walk you through the steps for a court protection order if you’re afraid he will get physical. You can call 800-799-7233 which is National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will walk you through the steps for establishing a safety plan.
However, it sounds to me from your question that you need to make a short term safety plan and a long term leaving plan. It may not be realistic for you to have enough strength and courage to get out immediately. But once you stop taking responsibility for his rages, then you will find the freedom to make your own choices. Start small by making your own decisions. Choose your own clothes for the day, what to eat, and what you want to say. Understand your husband won’t like these changes because they threaten the status quo but they will empower you. Remember, you’ve been controlled a long time so learning to function like an adult instead of a scared child will take time. You will make mistakes so allow yourself that learning curve without beating yourself up.
I’d encourage you to have a consultation with an attorney to get advice on what your financial picture will look like if you separate. You may need to look for employment or go to school to prepare to support yourself. Realistically divorced women do not do as well financially as they did when they were married, but you cannot put a price on your physical and emotional health.
God wants to help you take the steps to get healthy as well as to invite your husband to healthy change. You indicated in your e-mail to me that you have already asked him to go for help and counseling but so far he’s refused. But you don’t know what God will do when you take the first steps toward your own change. Yes, it’s scary making these changes to get well but it’s scary not to also.
Finally, I’d encourage you to find a good support group of other women to pray for you, love on you and encourage you in this work. Your future depends on it.
I am truly grateful for all of you who take the time to read this blog. If you haven’t noticed, I’m taking just a little bit of my blog space to share some personal musings and thoughts with you from time to time. I want to get to know you and for you to feel free to interact with one another.
Please visit my new Facebook fan page for the latest happenings in my ministry at www.facebook.com/leslievernickfanpage.com. I’ll be posting some photos of my teaching (missions) trips to Russia and Romania as well as my visit with orphans in Cambodia including the famous elephant ride mentioned in Chapter 2 of Lord, I Just Want to be Happy! I’m getting a little more savvy at this whole social networking thing and little by little I’m getting plugged in! Whohoo! (true confessions – Donna my office manager is doing most of the technical stuff for me)
While traveling recently I saw a painting with this quote on it. I loved it and thought I’d share it with you.
“Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life.” Brian Andreas
Did you ever see hardship as an angelic wake-up call? Sometimes I think the good things in life can become obstacles to the deeper life in Christ. It is a kindness that God wake us from our self satisfied stupor so that we don’t allow the good things of life to rob us of the best things.
This weeks’ question: I have been married for 22 years with 3 wonderful children. Sad to say, I have been emotionally and psychologically abused by my husband since the beginning of our relationship. I never knew what to call it but I knew that deep inside it felt REALLY BAD and hurt terribly. Miraculously, last year I read in article in REDBOOK magazine that had a story about emotional abuse and what it looked like. I was in tears, devouring every single word of the article. I couldn’t believe how much they described my years and years of agony, humiliations, belittling, manipulating and heartaches (to name only a few). I kept hoping someone would rescue me. But now I know that just doesn’t happen in real life, only in fairy tales. I know I need to help myself.
Since I read that article I haven’t been the same and unfortunately my health is suffering. I am losing sleep, my blood pressure is high and my heart rate escalates when he has one of his “tantrums.” I live in constant fear. Fear is what has kept me in this destructive relationship. He always put fear in me and the kids. Fear of everything around us. Fear of causing him to get “angry” at us and make him go into his rage and fury. And now I fear living life without him. I don’t know how or what it is to make a decision for myself. He has always dictated and criticized what I wear, when and where I could go, what and what not to say, what to eat, and gave me an allowance when I was “good”.
The one thing my husband did was provide for us financially very well. We have never known what it is to not have money. I’m afraid that if I leave, I won’t know how to live. Where do I start?
Answer: Fear is probably the most basic emotion known to us. When we allow it, fear will control our decisions and keep us shackled and bound in some pretty unhealthy patterns. Some of the most common fears we all face to one degree or another are the fear of failure (making mistakes, feeling stupid) and fear of rejection or being alone (or making someone unhappy or angry with us).
It’s not surprising that the one thing that God says most to his people throughout the scriptures is “Fear not!” or “Don’t’ be afraid.” God knows that fear is a powerful emotion that can only be tackled when we face it head on and learn to practice the opposite virtues of faith and courage . This morning I was reading in Psalms and in one psalm David had so much confidence and faith in God that he courageously said “What do I have to fear?” and then just a few psalms later, he writes, “When I am afraid, I will trust in God.” Sometimes we have so much faith we don’t feel so afraid, and other times we feel afraid and so we need to trust God in our fear.
You mention that living in this destructive relationship is now having negative consequences to your health. That is not uncommon but it is another reminder that you need to make some changes.
Remember Dorothy in the movie The Wizzard of Oz? She was terrified when the wizard breathed fire and made all sorts of threats. Then Toto, her little dog, ran behind the curtain and Dorothy realized that the wizard was not a wizard at all. He was just an ordinary, rather small man. Once she saw him as he really was, he ceased having the power to scare her or control her actions. This is the first step in breaking free from your husband’s control. Although he may have loud tantrums and rages, inside he is just an ordinary human being who is broken and sinful, just like the rest of us. His actions are a reflection of who he is, not what you have done or not done to make him upset. Stop taking responsibility for his abusive behaviors. It is about who he is, not what you’ve done.
You also mentioned that physical abuse occurred early in the marriage but that has stopped and it is ugly words that are now his weapons of choice. Pray that God would give you the courage and wisdom to know how to respond in a new way. Instead of cowering or allowing yourself to be vomited on, give yourself practice dress rehearsals in your mind how you want to respond differently when he starts one of his tantrums. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up strife.” The most tempting thing to do when someone is angry is to be angry back (even if it's only internally while we look passive on the outisde). It takes courage and strength to gently respond and say, “When you talk like that I can’t hear you. When you’re ready to have a conversation about it, I’ll listen but I’m not going to allow myself to be screamed at any more.” Then walk away, go to another room, or last resort put your hands over your ears so you are communicating to him very clearly you will not allow yourself to be vomited all over. There is nothing you can “do” to make him stop, but you don’t have to stand there and absorb it.
If he escalates with physical abuse or threats, get out of the house (or lock yourself in a room) and call the police. You may also need to seek help from a woman’s shelter that can walk you through the steps for a court protection order if you’re afraid he will get physical. You can call 800-799-7233 which is National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will walk you through the steps for establishing a safety plan.
However, it sounds to me from your question that you need to make a short term safety plan and a long term leaving plan. It may not be realistic for you to have enough strength and courage to get out immediately. But once you stop taking responsibility for his rages, then you will find the freedom to make your own choices. Start small by making your own decisions. Choose your own clothes for the day, what to eat, and what you want to say. Understand your husband won’t like these changes because they threaten the status quo but they will empower you. Remember, you’ve been controlled a long time so learning to function like an adult instead of a scared child will take time. You will make mistakes so allow yourself that learning curve without beating yourself up.
I’d encourage you to have a consultation with an attorney to get advice on what your financial picture will look like if you separate. You may need to look for employment or go to school to prepare to support yourself. Realistically divorced women do not do as well financially as they did when they were married, but you cannot put a price on your physical and emotional health.
God wants to help you take the steps to get healthy as well as to invite your husband to healthy change. You indicated in your e-mail to me that you have already asked him to go for help and counseling but so far he’s refused. But you don’t know what God will do when you take the first steps toward your own change. Yes, it’s scary making these changes to get well but it’s scary not to also.
Finally, I’d encourage you to find a good support group of other women to pray for you, love on you and encourage you in this work. Your future depends on it.
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