Monday July 26
I’m sitting in a hotel room in the Wisconsin Dells. My husband is here for a national volleyball tournament and he is off with his responsibilities. I’ve been reading a lot this summer and I want to recommend two great books for you. The first is Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay.
It’s a moving novel about a young girls experience during the Holocaust in France. Sarah, age 10,along with her parents, is forced out of her apartment and taken to a large indoor stadium used for biking races for temporary confinment (little did they know that they would all be sent to Auschwitz). Her little brother remains behind, hidden locked in a secret cupboard in their apartment. Sarah’s anguish about her brother’s confinement drives her to escape and risk her own life to return to her apartment to rescue him. The tale continues to unfold through the eyes of an American journalist, Julia, living today in France. She is assigned to write a piece on the Sixtieth commemoration of the Vel’d’Hiv’, to remind people of this horrible stain on French history. Sarah’s story begins to intersect Julia's own life in a riviting and compelling tale. I’m still caught by surprise when I read of the immense cruelty human beings can inflict on other people as well as how vulnerable we all are to being ruled by fear, guilt, and family secrets.
The other book I’d highly recommend, especially if you have trouble setting boundaries with others or have a teenage daughter who needs to learn is called This Gorgeous Game by Donna Freitas. It’s a novel for young adults but I found it fascinating and well written. The story revolves around a bright, Catholic high school student, Olivia, who wins a writing contest. The prize entitles her to be personally mentored by Father Mark Brandan, a famous writer and Catholic priest.
At first Olivia is honored, flattered by her mentor’s attention. But soon his phone calls, text messages, and demands for her time become obsessive and oppressive. Olivia feels torn. She should be grateful and respectful for Father Mark’s devotion to her but instead she feels imprisoned by it. She does not know how to say, “no” to his demands for more and more of her time and energy. This Gorgeous Game potently portrays a woman’s agonizing dilemma when someone’s benovolance and unconscious neediness becomes smothering and suffocating to our own personhood as well as the ambivalent feelings we experience while trying to figure out how we can preserve the relationship without forsaking ourselves.
This week’s question reflects some of these dilemmas:
Question: My husband has had several affairs. One sexual and the other emotional. After each one I have tried to work on me and felt they occurred because I needed to fix things in my own life. I needed to be more loveable, appealing and easy to be with. In so many ways I have been completely humbled and broken, but despite the changes in my own life I recently discovered he had resumed calling the woman he had been having an emotional affair with 4 years ago. In addition, he has confessed to having a sexual addiction or integrity issues involving pornography and pleasing himself sexually. Yet, even while he has been doing this, I have felt loved and cared for by him most of the time.
My biggest concern has been however, when we have discussions, I feel very intimidated by him and end up backing away or apologizing profusely because I’m afraid of his anger and intimidation. I’m not perfect and see so many of my own faults and insecurities but I desire to have intimacy with God. I’m fit, I have a great profession, close relationships and work at being a good parent to my son (16) and daughter (18).
So here is my dilemma. My husband and I are separated. After the last affair, it was agreed if he ever did this again it would mean automatic divorce, no more counseling, etc. When we first separated I felt scared, but now after 5 months I’m fine and our children are fine. They say they prefer him gone and we have needed time to heal. Before, I tried so hard to re-build my marriage that our children took a back seat. Now I’m enjoying the peace of our home instead of always being anxious that I would make a mistake that would drive him into the arms of another woman.
I’m thriving, going to a great Christian counselor and reading and trying to understand sexual addiction. However, my husband wants another chance and feels he now understands why he made so many hurtful choices. He periodically meets with a pastor from our church but has not sought counseling or a recovery group. He seems softer, has realized much and constantly says he misses me and loves me, but I have lost my desire for him. I almost would be embarrassed to put myself through this again but feel guilty or unsure if I’m disobeying God. Isn’t God a God of second or fifth chances?
I have never been good at discerning when my husband was betraying me how can I ever trust him? How do I know if he is fully recovered? Am I being disobedient at not giving him another chance?
Answer: Oh how we wish life’s decisions could be black and white and that God would just tell us what to do. I struggle with the same dilemma of “not knowing” the future, or the reliability of a person’s words. Talk is cheap and insight, even good and truthful self-awareness, is still a long way off from faithful and consistent change in a person’s heart and habits.
The good news is you don’t have to decide just yet about whether or not to follow through with divorce. You indicate you are getting good counsel so I’m going to just give you some things to talk about with your counselor to make sure you are moving in the right direction.
Pay attention to your feelings but don’t allow yourself to be ruled by them. You feel anxious by his anger and intimidation. Is this true in other relationships as well or mainly with him? You indicate your own insecurity issues and sometimes people who fear rejection are easily intimidated into compliance because they fear disapproval or loss of relationship even when the other person isn’t intentionally trying to be controlling.
This season of separation can be a good test for you to observe the fruit of your change as well as his. Are you able to speak up and say no, even if you still feel anxious or intimidated? And, can he hear and respect your “no” the first time, without arguing, trying to change your mind or threatening you with loss of potential reconciliation? If you’re still not able to be clear and direct with what you want or don’t want because of fear, you need to figure out why. Is it him or it is your need to please, to not disappoint, and to always be the accommodating one?
Your husband has done great damage to your family and marriage yet he seems to not want to work very hard at making sure he never does it again. That does not sit well with me. Why has he not gone to personal counseling, joined a recovery group or taken other steps to deal with his problems? You say you’re reading about sexual addiction, but is he? You seem to have done lots of work to mature, grow, and become a more godly woman but what exactly has your husband done to identify his problems and change them?
From what you describe, one of the things that is pretty glaring to me is that your husband has been ruled by a selfish and a lazy heart. (These are defined more fully in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.) Pornography and masturbation are selfish and lazy ways to have sexual pleasure and release without the responsibilities of relationship or mutual giving. It’s all about him! From what you describe, most of the marriage has been all about him and what you’ve lacked or not done to make him happy or keep him faithful to you.
Affairs are also selfish and indulgent. He wasn’t thinking of you or your children, only about what he felt and what he wanted. From my vantage point what you describe as your husband’s change might be really just more of the same but now instead of the other woman, you’ve become the desired object he wants.
Yes, God is a God of second chances, of fifth chances, of hundredth chances, but you are not God. You do not know his heart, only God can discern his true motives. However you can use the growth you’ve achieved to speak the truth in love, ask him to do the work required in order for you to be willing to consider reconciliation and build trust again and see what happens. If his heart is truly changed, he will. If not, he will get angry, blame you and want you to do the work to trust him. You’ve already been around that bend several times and you’re wise to not repeat it.
Lately I’ve been pondering the whole paradox of thinking in categories of both/and versus either/or. I’ve written about it in my latest book, Lord, I Just Want to be Happy. But we humans like things to be either black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, ugly or beautiful, hard or easy, etc. But I’m afraid things are much more messy than that. There is good in bad, bad in good, suffering in blessing, blessing in suffering. There is both/and in all of life as well as our spiritual walk.
For example, God calls us to be loving and truthful. Forgiving and prudent about dangerous or destructive people, tough and tender. How we navigate through those biblical paradoxes isn’t always clear and that’s why we need a community of believers – our church family, good friends, pastoral help as well as wise Christian counsel to understand not only the big picture of our situation, but also the big picture of scripture. It’s so easy to take one verse out of context and try to make it a rule or principle that we must follow in order to be right with God.
God knows your heart and scripture says we walk by faith not by sight. We don’t always know the right way, but if we are seeking God’s best, he promises to direct our steps. I believe that when we do that by faith, we do not need to be anxious. God understands our humanness and is gracious even with our failures and mistakes.
This week's question: What novels have you read that have touched you deeply or that powerfully spoke to you about sin, hope, relationships, forgiveness, boundaries, reconciliation, genuine repentance and change?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
My wife tells me I don't satisfy her sexually. I'm devestated.
Question: I have been married for eleven years to a woman who has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me when it comes to our sexual intimacy, particularly areas of my performance. I saved myself for the woman I married but she had plenty of experience before I even knew her. She no longer puts me down or compares me to other men or does other abusive things to me during the times when I do not perform up to snuff like she’s used to but I am still paralyzed by the fear of condemnation, shame and abandonment. I fear if I do not live up to her demands, which she still shows frustration about, I will lose my dignity as man and will wind up unwanted and alone.
My question is this. Everyone tells me that the first step I need to take is to stop taking responsibility for her selfish and abusive reactions when I don’t live up to her demands. I realize that I have been taking her words to heart by telling myself, “She has told you that she never had problems like this with other men. So if you were just not you, if you were not the defective, inferior man that you are, she would be happy.” I want to believe that is a lie, but on some level, I still believe it is true. Wouldn’t she be happy with another man who was better attuned to her sexual demands? She was before it seems. Please help- I’m suffering horribly inside.
Recently she said she was unsure if she wanted to still be with me because “I just don’t love her the way she needs.” I’ve ramped up some things and learned more ways to please her in the bedroom and she seems happier but in the meantime, I’m dying inside. The pressure, the shame, the fear, feeling held hostage. Can you help?
Answer: There is so much in your question I was reluctant to even tackle it in my blog because I don’t think I can adequately address your concerns in the space I have to write. But I’m going to try to give you some things to think about and hopefully it will be a start. First, I want you to know that you are not alone and I applaud your courage in being able to write and ask for help on such a sensitive topic.
You wrote: “Wouldn’t my wife be happier with another man who was better attuned to her sexual demands? She was before it seems.”
I’m not so sure that’s true or she would have probably married one of those other men instead of you. Although your wife has said some very damaging things, please be aware that Satan is also at work here and is using a particularly sensitive area for men to attack your personhood. You are a whole package, not just a sexual machine. There are many things that make up a good husband and a successful marriage and being a good lover and having a mutually enjoyable sex life may be one of them, but is never the whole picture.
I have female clients who tell me that they have a great sex life and still have a terrible marriage. Their husband may be good in bed but he doesn’t help with the kids, he doesn’t listen to their feelings, they can’t have a conversation, he can’t hold a job or be wise with finances or is spiritually dead. As I often say in marriage counseling, “No person comes to a marriage holding all 52 cards in a deck. There is no perfect wife, no perfect husband. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We can improve, we can grow, but there will never be a person who will make us happy 100% of the time. If that’s what we’re looking for, we will always be disappointed."
I believe that one of the reasons God warns us not to be sexually intimate before marriage or even outside marriage is so that we don’t have other experiences from which to compare. It is very painful to be measured against someone else in such an intimate area as sexual performance. Your wife is acting selfishly and sinfully against you when she criticizes your lovemaking skills and I’m glad she’s stopped doing that now. But from what I read, you still can’t get her hurtful words out of your own head and when she still demands more or says you don’t love her the way she needs, it seems that you are taking the entire responsibility for a good sex life and a good marriage on your shoulders. A healthy and thriving marriage takes two people who are committed to working together expressing mutual care, mutual respect and mutual honesty.
Your self-esteem and self-image have really been impacted by this pain. I don’t know what you were like before marriage but you say that you often tell yourself, “So if you were just not you, if you were not the defective, inferior man that you are, she would be happy.” You are defining your worth as a human being entirely through your wife’s sexual satisfaction. That is not healthy or even true. When we allow someone to define us, they have the power to control us.
And, looking at things from a slightly different angle, is it possible that her expectations of satisfying sex are unrealistic, or even sinful? Is it possible that her previous sexual experiences have caused some damage to her own ability to have sexual satisfaction in a way that most couples would enjoy? For example, I’ve worked with individuals who have told me that they aren’t able to achieve orgasm without including some sort of sadistic element to their sexual experience, or others who have said that unless they do xyz, they aren’t able to be satisfied.
Women have also shared with me that sometimes they feel in adequate in the bedroom when their husband’s have been addicted to porn. There is no way they can live up to someone else’s sexual fantasy life.
I’m a little troubled by your wording when you say, “pretty much everybody says I need to stop taking responsibility for her selfish and abusive reactions when I don’t live up to her demands.” They’re right, but who is everybody? In other words, who have you talked about this problem with? Are you being wise in who you share this with? It’s important that both you and your wife recognize that your marriage has deeper problems than just her sexual satisfaction and these other areas need to be addressed and worked on. I hope you are taking steps to receive marriage counseling as well as getting some individual counseling for yourself.
Your fear of being unwanted and alone keeps you stuck in some ways. Why are you so sure that if your wife no longer wants you, no one else will? There are many men and women who are rejected by their spouse these days and after grieving those hurts and losses, are able to move on and establish new relationships with other people. They did not allow the rejection of one person to define who they were. (i.e. I’m worthless, a loser, no good, unloveable) This is something you must work on changing and you can do this with or without your wife’s help. God is the one who defines us, not another human person.
I wish I could say more, but instead I want to invite other readers who have gone through something similar to share their journey with you.
This week’s question: When reckless words have damaged the very core of your identity, what have you done to heal? How have the truths of God’s word become more real than the hurtful words of another person?
My question is this. Everyone tells me that the first step I need to take is to stop taking responsibility for her selfish and abusive reactions when I don’t live up to her demands. I realize that I have been taking her words to heart by telling myself, “She has told you that she never had problems like this with other men. So if you were just not you, if you were not the defective, inferior man that you are, she would be happy.” I want to believe that is a lie, but on some level, I still believe it is true. Wouldn’t she be happy with another man who was better attuned to her sexual demands? She was before it seems. Please help- I’m suffering horribly inside.
Recently she said she was unsure if she wanted to still be with me because “I just don’t love her the way she needs.” I’ve ramped up some things and learned more ways to please her in the bedroom and she seems happier but in the meantime, I’m dying inside. The pressure, the shame, the fear, feeling held hostage. Can you help?
Answer: There is so much in your question I was reluctant to even tackle it in my blog because I don’t think I can adequately address your concerns in the space I have to write. But I’m going to try to give you some things to think about and hopefully it will be a start. First, I want you to know that you are not alone and I applaud your courage in being able to write and ask for help on such a sensitive topic.
You wrote: “Wouldn’t my wife be happier with another man who was better attuned to her sexual demands? She was before it seems.”
I’m not so sure that’s true or she would have probably married one of those other men instead of you. Although your wife has said some very damaging things, please be aware that Satan is also at work here and is using a particularly sensitive area for men to attack your personhood. You are a whole package, not just a sexual machine. There are many things that make up a good husband and a successful marriage and being a good lover and having a mutually enjoyable sex life may be one of them, but is never the whole picture.
I have female clients who tell me that they have a great sex life and still have a terrible marriage. Their husband may be good in bed but he doesn’t help with the kids, he doesn’t listen to their feelings, they can’t have a conversation, he can’t hold a job or be wise with finances or is spiritually dead. As I often say in marriage counseling, “No person comes to a marriage holding all 52 cards in a deck. There is no perfect wife, no perfect husband. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We can improve, we can grow, but there will never be a person who will make us happy 100% of the time. If that’s what we’re looking for, we will always be disappointed."
I believe that one of the reasons God warns us not to be sexually intimate before marriage or even outside marriage is so that we don’t have other experiences from which to compare. It is very painful to be measured against someone else in such an intimate area as sexual performance. Your wife is acting selfishly and sinfully against you when she criticizes your lovemaking skills and I’m glad she’s stopped doing that now. But from what I read, you still can’t get her hurtful words out of your own head and when she still demands more or says you don’t love her the way she needs, it seems that you are taking the entire responsibility for a good sex life and a good marriage on your shoulders. A healthy and thriving marriage takes two people who are committed to working together expressing mutual care, mutual respect and mutual honesty.
Your self-esteem and self-image have really been impacted by this pain. I don’t know what you were like before marriage but you say that you often tell yourself, “So if you were just not you, if you were not the defective, inferior man that you are, she would be happy.” You are defining your worth as a human being entirely through your wife’s sexual satisfaction. That is not healthy or even true. When we allow someone to define us, they have the power to control us.
And, looking at things from a slightly different angle, is it possible that her expectations of satisfying sex are unrealistic, or even sinful? Is it possible that her previous sexual experiences have caused some damage to her own ability to have sexual satisfaction in a way that most couples would enjoy? For example, I’ve worked with individuals who have told me that they aren’t able to achieve orgasm without including some sort of sadistic element to their sexual experience, or others who have said that unless they do xyz, they aren’t able to be satisfied.
Women have also shared with me that sometimes they feel in adequate in the bedroom when their husband’s have been addicted to porn. There is no way they can live up to someone else’s sexual fantasy life.
I’m a little troubled by your wording when you say, “pretty much everybody says I need to stop taking responsibility for her selfish and abusive reactions when I don’t live up to her demands.” They’re right, but who is everybody? In other words, who have you talked about this problem with? Are you being wise in who you share this with? It’s important that both you and your wife recognize that your marriage has deeper problems than just her sexual satisfaction and these other areas need to be addressed and worked on. I hope you are taking steps to receive marriage counseling as well as getting some individual counseling for yourself.
Your fear of being unwanted and alone keeps you stuck in some ways. Why are you so sure that if your wife no longer wants you, no one else will? There are many men and women who are rejected by their spouse these days and after grieving those hurts and losses, are able to move on and establish new relationships with other people. They did not allow the rejection of one person to define who they were. (i.e. I’m worthless, a loser, no good, unloveable) This is something you must work on changing and you can do this with or without your wife’s help. God is the one who defines us, not another human person.
I wish I could say more, but instead I want to invite other readers who have gone through something similar to share their journey with you.
This week’s question: When reckless words have damaged the very core of your identity, what have you done to heal? How have the truths of God’s word become more real than the hurtful words of another person?
Monday, July 12, 2010
My husband tells me I have to confess my disrespect before he will take me back. I'm so tired of this!
Hi Friends,
I finally posted my pictures of Alaska on both my regular face book page as well some slightly different ones on my facebook fan page. I’m pleased that I figured it out all by myself. Even Donna, my office manager commented that she was proud I did it without her. Also if you want to hear an interview with Susie Larson on my book Lord, I Just Want to be Happy you can download it at www.faith900.com.
For the month of July I’m a guest blogger for Christians and Psychology, a division of the American Association of Christian Counselors. You know by reading this blog that I am passionate about educating the church on issues of domestic abuse. For those of you who are interested in helping me raise awareness in the Christian community about this often hidden sin, I invite you to read my blog for this week, A New Way of Seeing. The site is christianpsych.org/wp_scp/blog/. If you find it helpful, please forward it to others you think would benefit. Thanks.
This week’s question is: I read your blogs and books. My question is I’ve been married for 21 years. I’ve read and re-read your book on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. My husband fits the example of the “should” husband you talk about. He is a believer and has recently admitted to me that he has been verbally abusive after I told him the definition. For a long time he denied it. But he feels that I haven’t been submissive, respectful and obedient to him and that in order for our relationship to ever move forward I have to admit this to him and to our children, ages 17,15, and 11. We have been to counseling jointly and separately.
I have seen how my desire to please him has led to lots of problems. It has excused his behavior and allowed it far too long. He is saying he has admitted his problems and I need to admit and change myself and the children’s attitude and behaviors toward him in order for him to stay. He has already seen an attorney as have I. Please help…I’m so tired.
Answer: You sound like you’re exhausted trying to be heard and understood. It seems to me that your husband is still saying that all your marital problems are your fault and that in order for your marriage to succeed, you will need to do what he says, quit complaining, never challenge him and gets the children to do likewise. He now admits to being verbally abusive but it’s because you haven’t been respectful, submissive or obedient. So if you change, all will be well. But you know that’s not true.
You indicate that you have tried to please him and that your desire to gain his approval has actually led to more abuse. He’s saying he’s admitted his problems but what exactly has he admitted to? Is it losing his temper when you won’t do what he says you “should” and then blaming you for his ugly words? That doesn’t sound like the kind of real change you’ll need in order for your marriage to turn around and become more healthy and mutual.
There may be some truth to his complaint that you too have been disrespectful toward him and/or contributed to the children’s poor attitudes toward their father. Confession of wrong doing is important in relationships and is a helpful first step toward healing and reconciliation. You’ll have to pray about his concerns and examine your heart and past behaviors to see if there are specific ways or times you have been disrespectful, even if in the context of being provoked.
I don’t know if this is your situation but some men think that their wife’s entire life should revolve around loving them, serving them, and doing whatever will make them happy. If she balks, objects, or wants to do something on her own, they find that threatening and label it unloving or disrespectful.
Other husbands believe that if their wife doesn’t give them carte blanche authority or if she questions his judgment in a situation, she is being disrespectful, disobedient and/or unsubmissive. I don’t believe that biblical submission means that a wife is to live with her eyes closed and mouth shut even as she observes her spouse driving the entire family straight off the cliff. (For more on this topic, go to my free resource page on my website www.leslievernick.com and see my paper on Headship and Submission). However, I do believe that how you say things can make a big difference.
Going back to your question, you’ve both been to counselors, and both been to attorneys. If you and your husband want to make your marriage work, that’s a start but it marital healing begins by identifying what the problem is and I am still not sure you are both agreed. Perhaps the best course at this time will be for you to take the first step and apologize for what you can, ask to see a counselor together to create a working definition of the problem so that together you can work on the solution. If the problem remains yours, in other words, “if only you would do what I say without question everything would be fine” then your husband still isn’t seeing his wrong thinking that is contributing to your marital unhappiness.
I wish I had better news for you but here it is in a nutshell. You can make a bad marriage better all by yourself,(by not escalating, by not retaliating, by overcoming evil with good), but you cannot make a bad marriage good all by yourself.
See if your marriage contains these key elements. A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive. There is mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect.
There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued. There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront and strengthen one another. Perhaps that’s a good place to see where changes need to take place.
This week’s question: How do you refresh yourself when you feel worn out by a difficult or destructive person?
I finally posted my pictures of Alaska on both my regular face book page as well some slightly different ones on my facebook fan page. I’m pleased that I figured it out all by myself. Even Donna, my office manager commented that she was proud I did it without her. Also if you want to hear an interview with Susie Larson on my book Lord, I Just Want to be Happy you can download it at www.faith900.com.
For the month of July I’m a guest blogger for Christians and Psychology, a division of the American Association of Christian Counselors. You know by reading this blog that I am passionate about educating the church on issues of domestic abuse. For those of you who are interested in helping me raise awareness in the Christian community about this often hidden sin, I invite you to read my blog for this week, A New Way of Seeing. The site is christianpsych.org/wp_scp/blog/. If you find it helpful, please forward it to others you think would benefit. Thanks.
This week’s question is: I read your blogs and books. My question is I’ve been married for 21 years. I’ve read and re-read your book on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. My husband fits the example of the “should” husband you talk about. He is a believer and has recently admitted to me that he has been verbally abusive after I told him the definition. For a long time he denied it. But he feels that I haven’t been submissive, respectful and obedient to him and that in order for our relationship to ever move forward I have to admit this to him and to our children, ages 17,15, and 11. We have been to counseling jointly and separately.
I have seen how my desire to please him has led to lots of problems. It has excused his behavior and allowed it far too long. He is saying he has admitted his problems and I need to admit and change myself and the children’s attitude and behaviors toward him in order for him to stay. He has already seen an attorney as have I. Please help…I’m so tired.
Answer: You sound like you’re exhausted trying to be heard and understood. It seems to me that your husband is still saying that all your marital problems are your fault and that in order for your marriage to succeed, you will need to do what he says, quit complaining, never challenge him and gets the children to do likewise. He now admits to being verbally abusive but it’s because you haven’t been respectful, submissive or obedient. So if you change, all will be well. But you know that’s not true.
You indicate that you have tried to please him and that your desire to gain his approval has actually led to more abuse. He’s saying he’s admitted his problems but what exactly has he admitted to? Is it losing his temper when you won’t do what he says you “should” and then blaming you for his ugly words? That doesn’t sound like the kind of real change you’ll need in order for your marriage to turn around and become more healthy and mutual.
There may be some truth to his complaint that you too have been disrespectful toward him and/or contributed to the children’s poor attitudes toward their father. Confession of wrong doing is important in relationships and is a helpful first step toward healing and reconciliation. You’ll have to pray about his concerns and examine your heart and past behaviors to see if there are specific ways or times you have been disrespectful, even if in the context of being provoked.
I don’t know if this is your situation but some men think that their wife’s entire life should revolve around loving them, serving them, and doing whatever will make them happy. If she balks, objects, or wants to do something on her own, they find that threatening and label it unloving or disrespectful.
Other husbands believe that if their wife doesn’t give them carte blanche authority or if she questions his judgment in a situation, she is being disrespectful, disobedient and/or unsubmissive. I don’t believe that biblical submission means that a wife is to live with her eyes closed and mouth shut even as she observes her spouse driving the entire family straight off the cliff. (For more on this topic, go to my free resource page on my website www.leslievernick.com and see my paper on Headship and Submission). However, I do believe that how you say things can make a big difference.
Going back to your question, you’ve both been to counselors, and both been to attorneys. If you and your husband want to make your marriage work, that’s a start but it marital healing begins by identifying what the problem is and I am still not sure you are both agreed. Perhaps the best course at this time will be for you to take the first step and apologize for what you can, ask to see a counselor together to create a working definition of the problem so that together you can work on the solution. If the problem remains yours, in other words, “if only you would do what I say without question everything would be fine” then your husband still isn’t seeing his wrong thinking that is contributing to your marital unhappiness.
I wish I had better news for you but here it is in a nutshell. You can make a bad marriage better all by yourself,(by not escalating, by not retaliating, by overcoming evil with good), but you cannot make a bad marriage good all by yourself.
See if your marriage contains these key elements. A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive. There is mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect.
There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued. There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront and strengthen one another. Perhaps that’s a good place to see where changes need to take place.
This week’s question: How do you refresh yourself when you feel worn out by a difficult or destructive person?
Monday, July 5, 2010
How do I talk with my husband when he's always right?
Hi Friends,
I know, I know, I haven’t posted my Alaska pictures yet. Some of you have gone to see them and have been disappointed. I’m sorry. I am not computer savvy yet and I confess – I don’t remember how to do it. My secretary was swamped with other things and so I couldn’t ask her this past week. But hopefully this week she will have some time to put them up.
Have you had a good 4th of July? This weekend I loved just sitting in my garden. About twenty years ago I planted lots of perennials but in the last few years I’ve been too busy writing books to tend to them properly. So this summer I put an ad on Craig’s list for someone to help me with the weeding and trimming and it has made a big difference. In a little corner of my garden I have a water fountain that I found at Ollie’s, a swing hanging from my deck, a hummingbird feeder plus my beautiful flowers. Only heaven could feel sweeter.
Over the past few weeks I have received many e-mails from hurting people struggling in destructive relationships. I want to answer them all but fear that I will start to sound repetitive. Yet, this morning I was reading through the book of Colossians (which I’ve read many times before) and it touched me in a new way. God reminded me that I need regular reminders of truth because in our humanness, the lies are easier to believe. Here is this week’s question:
Question: How do I talk to my husband when he is always right and I’m always the bad one that needs help? He can put me down but I better not ever put him down. He can disrespect me, but I better not disrespect him. He can say bad things about me and my work, but I better not say anything about him?
Answer: The short answer is that it is impossible. You can’t have a meaningful conversation with someone while he or she is putting your down, disrespecting you and saying bad things about you. As you have already discovered, the solution is not to retaliate and respond in kind, which most of us are tempted to do when being treated in that way. That only leads to more strife, abuse and arguments.
So what is the answer? Change begins with you and if you want to change this destructive pattern with your husband you will need to learn to do some new things. First you must accept that this kind of conversation is not only destructive to you as a person, but your marriage and you will have to learn to set limits on his behaviors and disengage when he refuses to stop.
I know you already see the evidence of this destruction but from your question I can see that your responses to his behavior only add more fuel to his fire. Second, ask God to help you be the kind of wife your husband needs. Ask God for his wisdom and help to speak the truth in love and to not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good. God doesn’t want you to be a doormat for your husband to wipe his feet but rather a helpmate to your husband so that he can also grow and change to become the man and husband and father God wants him to.
Next time he starts with his pattern of putting you down or blaming you for something, instead of having an argument, or pleading your case, or asking him why he thinks you’re the only one with the problem, put your arm out and hand up like a traffic cop and calmly say, “Stop putting me down or disrespecting me. I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. We can’t talk when you treat me like this” Then you must disengage and walk away. Conversation over.
When your husband says that he’s always right, you simply state, “That’s your opinion.” Then end the conversation.” This begins an important shift in your relationship patterns. You are no longer allowing yourself to be his verbal punching bad or taking total responsibility for everything that goes wrong in your relationship and either trying to fix it or blaming him as he’s blaming you.
As you continue to distance yourself from abusive conversations and refuse to engage, your husband may start to be more careful with words if he wants to talk with you. If there comes a moment when you see that he is more open and less hostile, you can affirm that you’d like to have a real conversation with him and ask him if he’d like to talk about . . . . . . . . . However, the minute he starts with his abusive patterns, call him on it and say, “We can’t have a conversation when you think you’re always right.” Or “We can’t talk about this if I’m the crazy one and needs help.” Or “We can’t talk about this together when you keep disrespecting my feelings or opinion.” Then walk away.
You must understand that your husband’s strategies are meant to control you, manipulate you and keep you compliant (whether he realizes it or not). If you’re afraid of him or don’t contradict him or speak up with a different opinion because you’re bad or wrong, then he gets to have his way all the time. Instead of being an adult in your marriage you’ve allowed yourself to function as a child – a compliant child, a sullen child and/or an angry and rebellious child. But a marriage will never be healthy if one person is the powerful adult and the other is the fearful child. Therefore, to change this pattern, you will have to start being the adult and responding in a healthy, mature and godly way when your husband is acting out. This is the best chance you have to influence your husband and inviting him toward healthy change.
You can read more about these strategies in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it! Stopping it! Surviving it!
This week’s challenge: How have you have learned to respond differently to an abusive or disrespectful person? Has it influenced him or her to treat you differently?
I know, I know, I haven’t posted my Alaska pictures yet. Some of you have gone to see them and have been disappointed. I’m sorry. I am not computer savvy yet and I confess – I don’t remember how to do it. My secretary was swamped with other things and so I couldn’t ask her this past week. But hopefully this week she will have some time to put them up.
Have you had a good 4th of July? This weekend I loved just sitting in my garden. About twenty years ago I planted lots of perennials but in the last few years I’ve been too busy writing books to tend to them properly. So this summer I put an ad on Craig’s list for someone to help me with the weeding and trimming and it has made a big difference. In a little corner of my garden I have a water fountain that I found at Ollie’s, a swing hanging from my deck, a hummingbird feeder plus my beautiful flowers. Only heaven could feel sweeter.
Over the past few weeks I have received many e-mails from hurting people struggling in destructive relationships. I want to answer them all but fear that I will start to sound repetitive. Yet, this morning I was reading through the book of Colossians (which I’ve read many times before) and it touched me in a new way. God reminded me that I need regular reminders of truth because in our humanness, the lies are easier to believe. Here is this week’s question:
Question: How do I talk to my husband when he is always right and I’m always the bad one that needs help? He can put me down but I better not ever put him down. He can disrespect me, but I better not disrespect him. He can say bad things about me and my work, but I better not say anything about him?
Answer: The short answer is that it is impossible. You can’t have a meaningful conversation with someone while he or she is putting your down, disrespecting you and saying bad things about you. As you have already discovered, the solution is not to retaliate and respond in kind, which most of us are tempted to do when being treated in that way. That only leads to more strife, abuse and arguments.
So what is the answer? Change begins with you and if you want to change this destructive pattern with your husband you will need to learn to do some new things. First you must accept that this kind of conversation is not only destructive to you as a person, but your marriage and you will have to learn to set limits on his behaviors and disengage when he refuses to stop.
I know you already see the evidence of this destruction but from your question I can see that your responses to his behavior only add more fuel to his fire. Second, ask God to help you be the kind of wife your husband needs. Ask God for his wisdom and help to speak the truth in love and to not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good. God doesn’t want you to be a doormat for your husband to wipe his feet but rather a helpmate to your husband so that he can also grow and change to become the man and husband and father God wants him to.
Next time he starts with his pattern of putting you down or blaming you for something, instead of having an argument, or pleading your case, or asking him why he thinks you’re the only one with the problem, put your arm out and hand up like a traffic cop and calmly say, “Stop putting me down or disrespecting me. I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. We can’t talk when you treat me like this” Then you must disengage and walk away. Conversation over.
When your husband says that he’s always right, you simply state, “That’s your opinion.” Then end the conversation.” This begins an important shift in your relationship patterns. You are no longer allowing yourself to be his verbal punching bad or taking total responsibility for everything that goes wrong in your relationship and either trying to fix it or blaming him as he’s blaming you.
As you continue to distance yourself from abusive conversations and refuse to engage, your husband may start to be more careful with words if he wants to talk with you. If there comes a moment when you see that he is more open and less hostile, you can affirm that you’d like to have a real conversation with him and ask him if he’d like to talk about . . . . . . . . . However, the minute he starts with his abusive patterns, call him on it and say, “We can’t have a conversation when you think you’re always right.” Or “We can’t talk about this if I’m the crazy one and needs help.” Or “We can’t talk about this together when you keep disrespecting my feelings or opinion.” Then walk away.
You must understand that your husband’s strategies are meant to control you, manipulate you and keep you compliant (whether he realizes it or not). If you’re afraid of him or don’t contradict him or speak up with a different opinion because you’re bad or wrong, then he gets to have his way all the time. Instead of being an adult in your marriage you’ve allowed yourself to function as a child – a compliant child, a sullen child and/or an angry and rebellious child. But a marriage will never be healthy if one person is the powerful adult and the other is the fearful child. Therefore, to change this pattern, you will have to start being the adult and responding in a healthy, mature and godly way when your husband is acting out. This is the best chance you have to influence your husband and inviting him toward healthy change.
You can read more about these strategies in my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it! Stopping it! Surviving it!
This week’s challenge: How have you have learned to respond differently to an abusive or disrespectful person? Has it influenced him or her to treat you differently?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)