Hello friends,
I want to let you know of a free seminar I’m doing in the Allentown, PA area at Calvary Temple church on Saturday morning, October 16th. Doors open at 8am and I will be speaking from 9-12 (with breaks) on the very important topic The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!
Best of all, it is FREE! That’s right. Seminars of this kind usually cost to attend, but you can come totally free of charge and bring as many friends as you want. The sessions will be for not only those experiencing destructive relationships but the people who help them. Pastors, counselors, lay leaders, church leaders are all welcome to attend. This event is being sponsored by Truth for Women in the Lehigh Valley which is opening a women’s resource center. They will be taking an offering and all proceeds will go to funding this important ministry. For more information you can go to
http://www.truthforwomencenter.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=vmKRy%2bBl2Os%3d&tabid=632&mid=1875
To register, their phone number is 610-866-5715.
Please spread the word. We’d love to see the church completely full.
Today’s Question: I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I are active in our church. We were married at a very young age and have a strong walk with the Lord. Every single day I’m aware of my sinfulness. I’ve been working up the nerve for several years to ask you this question.
My husband is very loving. I suspect that the problem is on my end. When we come together sexually, I can only “climax” if I am thinking dirty thoughts. You can imagine that after fifteen years of confessing this, my repentance feels like a joke. I really want to change. I say “dirty” because the thoughts revolve around sinful things. I have no clue if other women struggle with this, there is so much shame wrapped up in it, I would not be able to ever say anything to another person about it face to face.
I suspect my problem is due to years of masturbation in my teen years which was always accompanied by these type of thoughts. Since I’ve been married masturbation is not an issue, my husband and I have a healthy sex life, it is just this pilgrim’s progress type of load that I carry on my back filled with eighty pounds of shame. One of the reasons that I want to change is because I do not feel like I am present during lovemaking, I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking. Can you help?
Answer: We often read and hear a lot about men’s problems with lustful and impure thoughts but women struggle with them too, we just don’t talk about it as much. Readers, let’s be honest here and help this sister realize she is not alone in her shame of sinful sexual fantasies.
That said, let’s also remember that we have an enemy (Satan) that seeks to destroy every part of our lives, including one of the most precious gifts God has given us, our sexuality.
I’m going to give you something to try in order to break this pattern. It will not be easy and it will call for some hard work on your part but I believe that if you are faithful in practicing your part, God can heal your sexual responses.
First, I want you to understand that our most important sexual organ is not between our legs but between our ears. Your thought life has sexually stimulated you to a powerful orgasm for years through your sinful fantasies. Our brain is hardwired to develop habits and now your habituated sexual thoughts are the quickest, easiest way to achieve orgasm. It’s like a super highway. It takes no effort to get to the desired goal.
In addition to that, when we are sexually stimulated to orgasm, our brain releases a powerful chemical called dopamine, which feels really good. Dopamine activates our pleasure centers and creates a reward circuit in the brain. We like it and we crave more. One author says, “You can think of dopamine as the “I’ve got to have it” neurochemical, whatever “it” is. It’s the “craving” signal.”
Trying to reach orgasm without engaging in those sinful fantasies right now is like trying to plow a new road through a forest of trees. It’s tough. It’s much easier and faster to go on the super highway already available.
Another chemical that is released during lovemaking is called oxytocin. It is dubbed the “bonding” chemical because it helps us fall in love with our newborns and helps keep us “in love” with our spouse. It has more to do with the pleasure of cuddling and connection than the powerful pleasure surge of orgasm. You stated that one of the reasons that you want to deal with this problem is because you do not feel like you are present during lovemaking. You said, “I am off in my own fantasy, and I would like to really LOVE my husband during lovemaking.”
That is where you are going to make a change. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to be focused on lovemaking – stirring up those oxytocin chemicals, cuddling, affectionate, loving your husband during lovemaking. Your goal is NOT orgasm, in fact you’re going to have to work hard to not go down the super highway of your sexual fantasies that ensure an orgasm even though everything in your body will crave it and scream “I’ve got to have it NOW”. The truth is, you won’t die if you don’t have an orgasm for a while and it will be a good time for you to focus on what lovemaking feels like being totally present, even if you don’t reach orgasm.
As you lay down your desire for orgasm, and ask God to give you a greater ability to be present in your lovemaking with your husband, I believe that God will begin to heal the mowed down paths in your brain that have been habituated to sinful fantasies and give you new paths to experience great pleasure, including orgasm, with your husband in mutual lovemaking.
I applaud you for risking asking such a private and personal question. I wish we could be more authentic with one another in the body of Christ. Perhaps we’d all feel closer and more connected if we stopped pretending we’re more together than we really are. Let us all know how your healing journey is going. I suspect more readers than you will be trying these things.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Do I have to give him another chance?
Blessings Everyone!
Lately I have been deeply grieved by the depth of our own self-deception and how it so impacts our relationships with one another. Being a counselor you’d think I’d get used to it but I don’t. Sometimes I have to confront someone’s self-deception. Even after all these years, it always surprises me when an individual continues to prefer blindness to truth, darkness to light, and bondage to freedom.
Along those lines, I want to share with you a little story I’ve pondered for years. I don’t know who wrote it but it poignantly illustrates how cleverly we lie to ourselves in order to serve our own agenda.
A pious man explained to his followers: “It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. 'Don’t be scared,' I tell those fishes. 'I am saving you from drowning.' Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes."
God says, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives.” (Jeremiah 17:9, 10)
The psalmist prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” (Psalm 139:23, 24).
My challenge to you this week goes along with my answer to this week’s question. How do you and I speak truth in love to ourselves and one another so that we will grow and not continue to be self-deceived?
This week’s question: My situation is confusing and complicated and I feel very trapped. In addition to the emotionally destructive patterns encountered with my husband (of 25 years), it has also been discovered that he is addicted to pornography. I have started over and over with him, been in and out of counseling for over 7 years and there has been no progress. Due to his skill at fooling others, he has only been enabled more. There is much more to the story but the bottom line is, my trust in him is completely gone and I haven’t felt safe for a long time. Should I be giving him another chance and if so, how do I set and implement appropriate boundaries? Or would it be best to seek a separation and if so, how do I wisely do that?
Answer: You know by now (if you’ve been reading my blog) that I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’m going to suggest some things to think about in order to make a wise and godly decision that is best for you and your family.
Let me start by asking you a few questions. What makes you feel unsafe and trapped? Since I have no details in this situation let me say right off the bat that if you have been physically abused and/or fear for your physical safety, separating from your husband may increase your danger. Even if there has been no physical abuse, some women tell me that their husbands have threatened them with physical harm, even death, should they ever leave the marriage. That does not mean that you shouldn’t separate, however it does mean that you need a plan to do so wisely. I would advise consulting with a counselor who is experienced in abusive relationships so he or she can work with you to develop a safety plan that will help you separate a way that is most likely to keep you, and any children you need to take with you, safe from harm. Here are some resources that can help you. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800 799 7233; www.awakeonline.org; www.peaceandsafety.com
If your physical safety is not an issue, I’d like you to ask yourself some additional tough questions. Why are you considering giving him another chance when you haven’t gotten anywhere in 7 years? You’ve already felt like you’ve enabled his deception to continue. Why would you partner with him in more darkness? The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results. You need to be as honest with yourself as you can in order to make the best decision.
For example you may answer, “because I can’t afford to live on my own”, or “I’m scared to leave and be alone”. Perhaps another reason is that you are feeling lots of pressure from the Christian community to forbear and give him another chance or another reason might be that your children wouldn’t understand and you’re afraid that they’ll take sides. Like many people, you might believe that God requires you to stay for better or worse and if you left, you’d be under God’s wrath and judgment.
After you’ve answered the question about why you are thinking about staying, ask yourself what do you really want to do and why? Not what you should do, but what do you want to do? These questions are important to answer before you move forward so that you can move forward in the wisest way possible.
I’ve worked with some women in your situation who choose to stay because they believe it is God’s will for them, and/or because they will be financially destitute if they leave. They are not prepared to be self-supporting yet feel pressured to leave by family or friends because of the foolish and sinful behaviors of their spouse. If you are leaning toward staying, understand it will be easier for you to stay if you don’t expect your husband to change or to be honest or faithful since his track record proves otherwise. You can’t trust him because he is not trustworthy. He has shown you over the past 7 years that he has no intention of building trust between you or doing the work he needs to do to change.
Please don’t misunderstand me. You can choose to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage and make the best of it as long as you don’t expect it to be any different. If this is what you decide then focus on you and your children and your relationship with the Lord and what he can show you through this difficult season in your life instead of trying to get your husband to change. Like Abigail in the Old Testament (see 1 Samuel 25 for the story), you can still be a beautiful and intelligent woman, while married to a fool. Abigail is remembered for her ability to make the best out of a bad situation both in her marriage to Nabal as well as in her dealings with David.
On the other hand, if you decide to separate, be clear on your purposes. Are you separating because the marriage over and you are tired of the continued abuse, deceit and unfaithfulness with pornography? Or are you leaving with the hope that your husband will wake up, come to his senses and repent? If it is the latter, then boundaries are appropriate so that he realizes that he does not get the perks of marriage if he continues to deceive you, abuse you, and devalue you through his disrespect and his pornography addiction.
Boundaries are tricky to state and implement and they reflect something about you. For example, an ineffective boundary would be, “You cannot lie to me anymore”.
You have no control over your husband’s deceit. But what you can say is this. “I cannot (will not) continue to share a life with someone I cannot trust. You have repeatedly lied to me over the years and I do not want to continue to live this way because I can’t trust you.”
“If you want me to ever trust you again you will have to earn it. That requires you to be honest when you fail, honest with your counselor and honest about the past. If you do not do this or choose not to, then I will not be able to consider reconciliation.”
When you say this, then he knows up front that the marriage is over if he chooses to continue to lie. For more examples of boundary setting see my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship or Cloud and Townsend’s book, Boundaries in Marriage. Also you may want to go to my free resource page on my website and read my article on “For Better or Worse”
I could say more but I’ve tried to give you some things that I haven’t already said before in recent blogs. Should you give him another chance? No one can answer that one for you but you. Jesus tells Peter when he asked how many times he needed to forgive someone, “Don’t count” but Jesus also knew that when there is no repentance for continued serious sin, there is broken fellowship (see Matthew 18:15-17). Remember, unconditional love does not always merit unconditional relationship.
Every close relationship has certain basic conditions that are needed to flourish. Mutual caring, mutual respect and mutual honesty. It sounds like at least two if not three of these are missing in your marriage. What is going to be any different if you give him another chance?
Lately I have been deeply grieved by the depth of our own self-deception and how it so impacts our relationships with one another. Being a counselor you’d think I’d get used to it but I don’t. Sometimes I have to confront someone’s self-deception. Even after all these years, it always surprises me when an individual continues to prefer blindness to truth, darkness to light, and bondage to freedom.
Along those lines, I want to share with you a little story I’ve pondered for years. I don’t know who wrote it but it poignantly illustrates how cleverly we lie to ourselves in order to serve our own agenda.
A pious man explained to his followers: “It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. 'Don’t be scared,' I tell those fishes. 'I am saving you from drowning.' Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes."
God says, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives.” (Jeremiah 17:9, 10)
The psalmist prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” (Psalm 139:23, 24).
My challenge to you this week goes along with my answer to this week’s question. How do you and I speak truth in love to ourselves and one another so that we will grow and not continue to be self-deceived?
This week’s question: My situation is confusing and complicated and I feel very trapped. In addition to the emotionally destructive patterns encountered with my husband (of 25 years), it has also been discovered that he is addicted to pornography. I have started over and over with him, been in and out of counseling for over 7 years and there has been no progress. Due to his skill at fooling others, he has only been enabled more. There is much more to the story but the bottom line is, my trust in him is completely gone and I haven’t felt safe for a long time. Should I be giving him another chance and if so, how do I set and implement appropriate boundaries? Or would it be best to seek a separation and if so, how do I wisely do that?
Answer: You know by now (if you’ve been reading my blog) that I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’m going to suggest some things to think about in order to make a wise and godly decision that is best for you and your family.
Let me start by asking you a few questions. What makes you feel unsafe and trapped? Since I have no details in this situation let me say right off the bat that if you have been physically abused and/or fear for your physical safety, separating from your husband may increase your danger. Even if there has been no physical abuse, some women tell me that their husbands have threatened them with physical harm, even death, should they ever leave the marriage. That does not mean that you shouldn’t separate, however it does mean that you need a plan to do so wisely. I would advise consulting with a counselor who is experienced in abusive relationships so he or she can work with you to develop a safety plan that will help you separate a way that is most likely to keep you, and any children you need to take with you, safe from harm. Here are some resources that can help you. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800 799 7233; www.awakeonline.org; www.peaceandsafety.com
If your physical safety is not an issue, I’d like you to ask yourself some additional tough questions. Why are you considering giving him another chance when you haven’t gotten anywhere in 7 years? You’ve already felt like you’ve enabled his deception to continue. Why would you partner with him in more darkness? The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results. You need to be as honest with yourself as you can in order to make the best decision.
For example you may answer, “because I can’t afford to live on my own”, or “I’m scared to leave and be alone”. Perhaps another reason is that you are feeling lots of pressure from the Christian community to forbear and give him another chance or another reason might be that your children wouldn’t understand and you’re afraid that they’ll take sides. Like many people, you might believe that God requires you to stay for better or worse and if you left, you’d be under God’s wrath and judgment.
After you’ve answered the question about why you are thinking about staying, ask yourself what do you really want to do and why? Not what you should do, but what do you want to do? These questions are important to answer before you move forward so that you can move forward in the wisest way possible.
I’ve worked with some women in your situation who choose to stay because they believe it is God’s will for them, and/or because they will be financially destitute if they leave. They are not prepared to be self-supporting yet feel pressured to leave by family or friends because of the foolish and sinful behaviors of their spouse. If you are leaning toward staying, understand it will be easier for you to stay if you don’t expect your husband to change or to be honest or faithful since his track record proves otherwise. You can’t trust him because he is not trustworthy. He has shown you over the past 7 years that he has no intention of building trust between you or doing the work he needs to do to change.
Please don’t misunderstand me. You can choose to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage and make the best of it as long as you don’t expect it to be any different. If this is what you decide then focus on you and your children and your relationship with the Lord and what he can show you through this difficult season in your life instead of trying to get your husband to change. Like Abigail in the Old Testament (see 1 Samuel 25 for the story), you can still be a beautiful and intelligent woman, while married to a fool. Abigail is remembered for her ability to make the best out of a bad situation both in her marriage to Nabal as well as in her dealings with David.
On the other hand, if you decide to separate, be clear on your purposes. Are you separating because the marriage over and you are tired of the continued abuse, deceit and unfaithfulness with pornography? Or are you leaving with the hope that your husband will wake up, come to his senses and repent? If it is the latter, then boundaries are appropriate so that he realizes that he does not get the perks of marriage if he continues to deceive you, abuse you, and devalue you through his disrespect and his pornography addiction.
Boundaries are tricky to state and implement and they reflect something about you. For example, an ineffective boundary would be, “You cannot lie to me anymore”.
You have no control over your husband’s deceit. But what you can say is this. “I cannot (will not) continue to share a life with someone I cannot trust. You have repeatedly lied to me over the years and I do not want to continue to live this way because I can’t trust you.”
“If you want me to ever trust you again you will have to earn it. That requires you to be honest when you fail, honest with your counselor and honest about the past. If you do not do this or choose not to, then I will not be able to consider reconciliation.”
When you say this, then he knows up front that the marriage is over if he chooses to continue to lie. For more examples of boundary setting see my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship or Cloud and Townsend’s book, Boundaries in Marriage. Also you may want to go to my free resource page on my website and read my article on “For Better or Worse”
I could say more but I’ve tried to give you some things that I haven’t already said before in recent blogs. Should you give him another chance? No one can answer that one for you but you. Jesus tells Peter when he asked how many times he needed to forgive someone, “Don’t count” but Jesus also knew that when there is no repentance for continued serious sin, there is broken fellowship (see Matthew 18:15-17). Remember, unconditional love does not always merit unconditional relationship.
Every close relationship has certain basic conditions that are needed to flourish. Mutual caring, mutual respect and mutual honesty. It sounds like at least two if not three of these are missing in your marriage. What is going to be any different if you give him another chance?
Monday, August 16, 2010
My son and daughter-in-law are estranged. Help!
Happy Monday!
Can I say happy Monday? Friday is the day we usually give thanks for (TGIF), but Monday? Yes, we can give thanks every day for each day, every day, every moment is a gift from God. Thank you God for today.
Thank you too to everyone out in blog world for spreading the word about a new way of seeing David’s sin with Bathsheba. A few readers continued to stumble over the fact that Bathsheba was bathing in a place David could see. My NIV Bible says David was walking around on the roof of his palace (when, by the way, he should have been off fighting with the rest of his soldiers).
I don’t know this for sure, but I imagine that the King’s palace was the tallest building in the area and from his roof David spotted Bathsheba bathing. She may have been in her own bathroom doing what she always did, never dreaming that someone was watching her.
However , the scriptures never name Bathsheba as a co-conspirator in this sin so whatever she was doing and where, she never intended to catch David’s eye. Nathan, the prophet, accused David and David alone.
In fact, the writer of 2 Samuel identifies Bathsheba as Uriah’s wife even after Uriah was dead and David married Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12:15). Also in Christ’s genealogy, Matthew named David as the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife. Solomon was born after the first child David and Bathsheba conceived, died. I believe Matthew’s report was God’s continued way of vindicating Bathsheba. Their child Solomon, was His blessing baby for what she endured.
Before we get into this week’s question, a big thank you to everyone who has given me ideas on my new book, What Every Woman Needs to Know….and teach her daughter. I’ve got a great start and am looking forward to digging into it some more but feel free to continue to shoot me your thoughts.
One more piece of news. My wonderful assistant, Donna, has figured out a way to archive our old newsletters. So if you’ve missed an issue or two and would like to read some, go to http://conta.cc/dCpe5Y
Today’s Question: My husband and I are estranged from our son and daughter-in-law. We live a distance from them and have to travel to visit with them and to see our grandchildren. My daughter-in-law was married previously and had one child by that marriage. When she and my son were pregnant with our first grandchild, we made arrangements to travel down to visit. During that visit there were some misunderstandings and accusations which left us very confused and hurt. It’s a long complicated mess and we finally agreed together to see a Christian counselor from their church. The counselor said that we should expect about 4 group meetings before a complete resolution could be expected.
Meeting #1 went better for us than expected. The counselor agreed that we had responded in a reasonable manner to each of the events that my daughter-in-law had listed as her complaints against us except one incident where our daughter-in-law felt we accused her parents of deliberately trying to interfere with our visit with our new step-grandson.
Her parents are nice people and they would never deliberately hurt us. What they did do was done from a good heart, but the result of what they did was that we didn’t get to spend much time with our grandson and for that we were grieved. But since then, our daughter-in-law has had a very negative view of us and so we thought that talking through this specific issue with the counselor present was critical in order to heal and move forward in a healthy way.
After we came down for our second session, the counselor called and said she decided to keep my daughter-in-law out of the session. Her reasons were that our daughter-in-law was pregnant and she was afraid that she or I might say something to upset my daughter-in-law. She encouraged us to spend time bonding together but not have a joint session. I objected. I felt this was absolutely wrong to exclude our daughter-in-law since it was she who held this inaccurate picture of us and we had traveled down with the expectation that this issue was going to be addressed together. I asked the counselor if it was my son or daughter-in-law who was the source of this decision. The counselor assured us that it was her decision and she gave us her word.
I couldn’t argue with her but I refused to have a session without my daughter-in-law present. We left and went home. Later on our son told us that it was our daughter-in-law who decided not to go to the session because she felt stressed and feared she might lose the baby. (Our daughter-in-law is extremely healthy).
I believe the counselor screwed up and now she is a part of the problem and our son and daughter-in-law remain estranged to this day. I have begged the counselor to set things straight with them to no avail. She has avoided the fact that she deliberately lied to us. When I confronted her with it, she pitted our son against us. When we became angry and upset with her actions, she told our son and daughter-in-law that we need counseling and they need protection from us.
My question is this: Are we justified in telling them that we would not continue with this counselor? We cannot trust her judgment and that she waited to tell us until we traveled all the way down there about the change in plans. Our son and daughter-in-law continue to insist that it is her or nothing. We would prefer to just sit with down with them for one hour to discuss what we believe to be the crux of the matter.
Answer: Now that I’m a new grandma, I put myself in your shoes and my heart grieves for you. If I could help it, I would not let anything keep me from building a relationship with my new grandchildren. Misunderstandings and hurts occur in every relationship and sometimes they are difficult to work through. However, I fear you’ve missed the forest through the trees. You’re asking me whether or not you are justified in telling your son and daughter-in-law that you refuse to meet with their counselor. Perhaps you are but I don’t think that is the best question to ask in this situation.
I don’t know why the counselor did what she did or said what she said. She might have been caught by the confidentiality factor and could not disclose to you that your daughter-in-law didn’t want to meet. Or, the counselor may have had her own reservations even before your daughter-in-law expressed her feelings. But from what you said, during your first meeting with her you felt that she was fair and objective. I probably would have given her the benefit of the doubt and tried her again for a second meeting, or at least gone in alone with her (even though your daughter in law wasn’t present) in order to continue building rapport with her so she could get to know your heart.
Right now she has the ear of your son and daughter-in-law and has the most influence over them. I’m concerned that your stand on refusing to meet alone with her for your second meeting cost you dearly. You forfeited an opportunity for the counselor to get to know you better where she could have advocated for you with your daughter-in-law. In addition, because you went right home, you lost the opportunity to love on your grandkids and spend time with your son and daughter-in-law which may have helped the healing process move forward.
One of the things I am learning (believe me the hard way) is that being right isn’t always the most important thing. You might be factually correct in all you say but I believe you’re missing the boat in your approach. Your focus seems to be in getting the counselor to own and confess her mistake but in the process have continued to be alienated from your family. At the end of it all what do you want the most, - - to be proved right or to be reconciled?
Here are a couple of things I would suggest. I’d recommend going for a visit if they will allow and talk with the counselor by yourself to see if you can straighten things out and have a better understanding between you and your husband and the counselor. You’ve used pretty strong language concerning your feelings about the counselor in your e-mail and I would encourage you to soften your words if your goal is to be heard. When someone feels cornered or attacked, it is less likely that they will hear you, and that IS the goal isn’t it? There are confidentiality issues with the counselor and she is not at liberty to disclose everything she knows to you. That may upset you but it is how it is.
If that doesn’t work or isn’t possible, I’d encourage you to invite her boss, the pastor to be a part of it. Your goal here is not to prove who’s wrong and who’s right but to work toward understanding, forgiveness, peace, healing and reconciliation if possible. The Bible tells us that “if possible, as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.” (Romans 12:23). I certainly know that it isn’t always possible, but since this is your son and you want a relationship with him and your grandchildren, you may have to go the extra mile and turn the other cheek more than a few times. Paul reminds us not to pay back evil for evil but instead, overcome evil with good. Confess your own wrong doing in this situation without demanding that the counselor or your daughter-in-law do so. That doesn’t give them license to walk all over you but it does send a clear message that you are willing to look at your own sins instead of pointing a finger at theirs. That kind of humility and gentleness of heart often pulls down the strongholds of defensiveness that may keep them unwilling to talk about ways they have hurt and sinned against you.
There are no easy answers here but I’m afraid if you want things to be different, change will have to start with you. God will help you but I want you to remember one very important thing. Being right is often a lonely place to be. Jesus tells us that being loving is the more desirable goal.
Can I say happy Monday? Friday is the day we usually give thanks for (TGIF), but Monday? Yes, we can give thanks every day for each day, every day, every moment is a gift from God. Thank you God for today.
Thank you too to everyone out in blog world for spreading the word about a new way of seeing David’s sin with Bathsheba. A few readers continued to stumble over the fact that Bathsheba was bathing in a place David could see. My NIV Bible says David was walking around on the roof of his palace (when, by the way, he should have been off fighting with the rest of his soldiers).
I don’t know this for sure, but I imagine that the King’s palace was the tallest building in the area and from his roof David spotted Bathsheba bathing. She may have been in her own bathroom doing what she always did, never dreaming that someone was watching her.
However , the scriptures never name Bathsheba as a co-conspirator in this sin so whatever she was doing and where, she never intended to catch David’s eye. Nathan, the prophet, accused David and David alone.
In fact, the writer of 2 Samuel identifies Bathsheba as Uriah’s wife even after Uriah was dead and David married Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12:15). Also in Christ’s genealogy, Matthew named David as the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife. Solomon was born after the first child David and Bathsheba conceived, died. I believe Matthew’s report was God’s continued way of vindicating Bathsheba. Their child Solomon, was His blessing baby for what she endured.
Before we get into this week’s question, a big thank you to everyone who has given me ideas on my new book, What Every Woman Needs to Know….and teach her daughter. I’ve got a great start and am looking forward to digging into it some more but feel free to continue to shoot me your thoughts.
One more piece of news. My wonderful assistant, Donna, has figured out a way to archive our old newsletters. So if you’ve missed an issue or two and would like to read some, go to http://conta.cc/dCpe5Y
Today’s Question: My husband and I are estranged from our son and daughter-in-law. We live a distance from them and have to travel to visit with them and to see our grandchildren. My daughter-in-law was married previously and had one child by that marriage. When she and my son were pregnant with our first grandchild, we made arrangements to travel down to visit. During that visit there were some misunderstandings and accusations which left us very confused and hurt. It’s a long complicated mess and we finally agreed together to see a Christian counselor from their church. The counselor said that we should expect about 4 group meetings before a complete resolution could be expected.
Meeting #1 went better for us than expected. The counselor agreed that we had responded in a reasonable manner to each of the events that my daughter-in-law had listed as her complaints against us except one incident where our daughter-in-law felt we accused her parents of deliberately trying to interfere with our visit with our new step-grandson.
Her parents are nice people and they would never deliberately hurt us. What they did do was done from a good heart, but the result of what they did was that we didn’t get to spend much time with our grandson and for that we were grieved. But since then, our daughter-in-law has had a very negative view of us and so we thought that talking through this specific issue with the counselor present was critical in order to heal and move forward in a healthy way.
After we came down for our second session, the counselor called and said she decided to keep my daughter-in-law out of the session. Her reasons were that our daughter-in-law was pregnant and she was afraid that she or I might say something to upset my daughter-in-law. She encouraged us to spend time bonding together but not have a joint session. I objected. I felt this was absolutely wrong to exclude our daughter-in-law since it was she who held this inaccurate picture of us and we had traveled down with the expectation that this issue was going to be addressed together. I asked the counselor if it was my son or daughter-in-law who was the source of this decision. The counselor assured us that it was her decision and she gave us her word.
I couldn’t argue with her but I refused to have a session without my daughter-in-law present. We left and went home. Later on our son told us that it was our daughter-in-law who decided not to go to the session because she felt stressed and feared she might lose the baby. (Our daughter-in-law is extremely healthy).
I believe the counselor screwed up and now she is a part of the problem and our son and daughter-in-law remain estranged to this day. I have begged the counselor to set things straight with them to no avail. She has avoided the fact that she deliberately lied to us. When I confronted her with it, she pitted our son against us. When we became angry and upset with her actions, she told our son and daughter-in-law that we need counseling and they need protection from us.
My question is this: Are we justified in telling them that we would not continue with this counselor? We cannot trust her judgment and that she waited to tell us until we traveled all the way down there about the change in plans. Our son and daughter-in-law continue to insist that it is her or nothing. We would prefer to just sit with down with them for one hour to discuss what we believe to be the crux of the matter.
Answer: Now that I’m a new grandma, I put myself in your shoes and my heart grieves for you. If I could help it, I would not let anything keep me from building a relationship with my new grandchildren. Misunderstandings and hurts occur in every relationship and sometimes they are difficult to work through. However, I fear you’ve missed the forest through the trees. You’re asking me whether or not you are justified in telling your son and daughter-in-law that you refuse to meet with their counselor. Perhaps you are but I don’t think that is the best question to ask in this situation.
I don’t know why the counselor did what she did or said what she said. She might have been caught by the confidentiality factor and could not disclose to you that your daughter-in-law didn’t want to meet. Or, the counselor may have had her own reservations even before your daughter-in-law expressed her feelings. But from what you said, during your first meeting with her you felt that she was fair and objective. I probably would have given her the benefit of the doubt and tried her again for a second meeting, or at least gone in alone with her (even though your daughter in law wasn’t present) in order to continue building rapport with her so she could get to know your heart.
Right now she has the ear of your son and daughter-in-law and has the most influence over them. I’m concerned that your stand on refusing to meet alone with her for your second meeting cost you dearly. You forfeited an opportunity for the counselor to get to know you better where she could have advocated for you with your daughter-in-law. In addition, because you went right home, you lost the opportunity to love on your grandkids and spend time with your son and daughter-in-law which may have helped the healing process move forward.
One of the things I am learning (believe me the hard way) is that being right isn’t always the most important thing. You might be factually correct in all you say but I believe you’re missing the boat in your approach. Your focus seems to be in getting the counselor to own and confess her mistake but in the process have continued to be alienated from your family. At the end of it all what do you want the most, - - to be proved right or to be reconciled?
Here are a couple of things I would suggest. I’d recommend going for a visit if they will allow and talk with the counselor by yourself to see if you can straighten things out and have a better understanding between you and your husband and the counselor. You’ve used pretty strong language concerning your feelings about the counselor in your e-mail and I would encourage you to soften your words if your goal is to be heard. When someone feels cornered or attacked, it is less likely that they will hear you, and that IS the goal isn’t it? There are confidentiality issues with the counselor and she is not at liberty to disclose everything she knows to you. That may upset you but it is how it is.
If that doesn’t work or isn’t possible, I’d encourage you to invite her boss, the pastor to be a part of it. Your goal here is not to prove who’s wrong and who’s right but to work toward understanding, forgiveness, peace, healing and reconciliation if possible. The Bible tells us that “if possible, as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.” (Romans 12:23). I certainly know that it isn’t always possible, but since this is your son and you want a relationship with him and your grandchildren, you may have to go the extra mile and turn the other cheek more than a few times. Paul reminds us not to pay back evil for evil but instead, overcome evil with good. Confess your own wrong doing in this situation without demanding that the counselor or your daughter-in-law do so. That doesn’t give them license to walk all over you but it does send a clear message that you are willing to look at your own sins instead of pointing a finger at theirs. That kind of humility and gentleness of heart often pulls down the strongholds of defensiveness that may keep them unwilling to talk about ways they have hurt and sinned against you.
There are no easy answers here but I’m afraid if you want things to be different, change will have to start with you. God will help you but I want you to remember one very important thing. Being right is often a lonely place to be. Jesus tells us that being loving is the more desirable goal.
Monday, August 9, 2010
A New Way of Seeing David's Sin with Bathsheba
This week, instead of answering a question, I want to share with you something I wrote for another blog addressing David's sin with Bathsheba. If you find this informative, please share it with your church leaders.
It was a regular Sunday morning, my husband and I attended worship at our home church. Our senior pastor was on vacation so an associate pastor was preaching. His text was Psalm 51, David’s prayer of repentance after Nathan the prophet confronted him with his sin against Bathsheba and her husband Uriah.
My pastor began describing the background of what led up to Nathan’s confrontation. He shared the familiar story about David’s adultery with Bathsheba and how after Bathsheba became pregnant, David covered up their affair by having her husband, Uriah, put in the front lines of battle so he would be killed. Immediately I felt anxious and I was distracted throughout the rest of the sermon. Although my pastor’s emphasis was on God’s great mercy and forgiveness not David’s sin, I could not focus.
I have learned to pay attention to those internal moments as Holy Spirit led. This was not the first time I felt troubled after a pastor or speaker labeled David’s sin as adultery and his relationship with Bathsheba as an affair. I even cringe when the paragraph headings of my Bible describe David’s behavior in that way.
David’s relationship with Bathsheba was not mutual or consensual. It was not an affair. It is better described as David’s lustful craving coupled with an abuse of his power. David took Bathsheba to his bed because he could, he was the king. In the same way he misused his military authority when he later ordered Bathsheba’s husband to the front lines of battle in order to cover up his first sin (For the story read 2 Samuel 11 and 12).
When God’s prophet, Nathan, confronted David, Nathan told him a story describing a rich and powerful man who selfishly used his might to take something from another person who was helpless to stop him. David didn’t recognize himself in Nathan’s story but became outraged at such injustice. When Nathan said, “You are that man,” David saw himself and his heart broke.
After the sermon was over I told my husband I needed to talk with our pastor. I whispered a quick prayer, approached him and asked if he had a minute. Graciously he responded positively.
I said, “I know your sermon wasn’t focused on David and Bathsheba but do you think Bathsheba had a real choice?”
Surprise engulfed his entire face. He humbly said, “I never thought of it that way.” I went on to explain my concerns and how Nathan named David’s sin as an abuse of power, not of sexual misbehavior. Bathsheba is never mentioned because she was a victim, not a willing participant.
I went home hoping that the next time he preached about David’s sin with Bathsheba he would describe it as Nathan did, but the good news is that wasn’t the end of the story.
The next day I received a phone call from another one of my pastors wanting to discuss a marital altercation from the previous evening that he thought was abusive. He described what happened and then added, “Pastor shared with me what you told him yesterday about David’s abuse of power and I’m wondering if this incident isn’t similar?”
My jaw dropped and my heart rejoiced. Instead of seeing this couple’s problem as sinful anger or marital conflict, he recognized the deeper heart issues. Her husband felt entitled to his wife’s compliance and when she didn’t give him what he wanted, he used his physical power to block her right to choose. Her husband misused his authority as her husband to get his own way and he believed he had every right to do so.
I share my story in this blog because one of my passions as a Christian leader, counselor, author, and speaker is to educate other Christians about the misuse and abuse of power, especially in a family. Jesus warned his disciples against using their legitimate power or authority inappropriately.
He said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:41-46).
Biblical headship never entitles one to misuse that authority simply to get his own way, whether it is in a church, a company, community, or in a family. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of power to gain control over another individual. The weapons used are physical strength, outbursts of anger and verbal threats, emotional battering and intimidation, economic control, sexual pressure or domination, and/or spiritual one-upmanship. One person in the relationship seeks to control the other by using anger, money, and the scriptures.
Sadly, I have seen many hurting individuals and families devastated by inadequate counsel in these situations simply because his or her pastor or counselor did not perceive the imbalance of power and control in the relationship. Instead of putting an axe to the root problem, he or she focused on anger management, conflict resolution, improved communication, or headship/ submission issues.
Jesus cautions those of us who do have positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, elders, counselors, teachers, and other leaders not to misuse those God-ordained positions for self-centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve those individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our ego’s stroked or to get our own way.
If my seminary trained pastor had never thought about David’s sin as an abuse of power, perhaps there other Christian leaders, pastors and counselors who don’t understand this problem very well either. I’m begging you to spread the word in the spheres of influence you have so that this problem is not only identified, but addressed Biblically.
It was a regular Sunday morning, my husband and I attended worship at our home church. Our senior pastor was on vacation so an associate pastor was preaching. His text was Psalm 51, David’s prayer of repentance after Nathan the prophet confronted him with his sin against Bathsheba and her husband Uriah.
My pastor began describing the background of what led up to Nathan’s confrontation. He shared the familiar story about David’s adultery with Bathsheba and how after Bathsheba became pregnant, David covered up their affair by having her husband, Uriah, put in the front lines of battle so he would be killed. Immediately I felt anxious and I was distracted throughout the rest of the sermon. Although my pastor’s emphasis was on God’s great mercy and forgiveness not David’s sin, I could not focus.
I have learned to pay attention to those internal moments as Holy Spirit led. This was not the first time I felt troubled after a pastor or speaker labeled David’s sin as adultery and his relationship with Bathsheba as an affair. I even cringe when the paragraph headings of my Bible describe David’s behavior in that way.
David’s relationship with Bathsheba was not mutual or consensual. It was not an affair. It is better described as David’s lustful craving coupled with an abuse of his power. David took Bathsheba to his bed because he could, he was the king. In the same way he misused his military authority when he later ordered Bathsheba’s husband to the front lines of battle in order to cover up his first sin (For the story read 2 Samuel 11 and 12).
When God’s prophet, Nathan, confronted David, Nathan told him a story describing a rich and powerful man who selfishly used his might to take something from another person who was helpless to stop him. David didn’t recognize himself in Nathan’s story but became outraged at such injustice. When Nathan said, “You are that man,” David saw himself and his heart broke.
After the sermon was over I told my husband I needed to talk with our pastor. I whispered a quick prayer, approached him and asked if he had a minute. Graciously he responded positively.
I said, “I know your sermon wasn’t focused on David and Bathsheba but do you think Bathsheba had a real choice?”
Surprise engulfed his entire face. He humbly said, “I never thought of it that way.” I went on to explain my concerns and how Nathan named David’s sin as an abuse of power, not of sexual misbehavior. Bathsheba is never mentioned because she was a victim, not a willing participant.
I went home hoping that the next time he preached about David’s sin with Bathsheba he would describe it as Nathan did, but the good news is that wasn’t the end of the story.
The next day I received a phone call from another one of my pastors wanting to discuss a marital altercation from the previous evening that he thought was abusive. He described what happened and then added, “Pastor shared with me what you told him yesterday about David’s abuse of power and I’m wondering if this incident isn’t similar?”
My jaw dropped and my heart rejoiced. Instead of seeing this couple’s problem as sinful anger or marital conflict, he recognized the deeper heart issues. Her husband felt entitled to his wife’s compliance and when she didn’t give him what he wanted, he used his physical power to block her right to choose. Her husband misused his authority as her husband to get his own way and he believed he had every right to do so.
I share my story in this blog because one of my passions as a Christian leader, counselor, author, and speaker is to educate other Christians about the misuse and abuse of power, especially in a family. Jesus warned his disciples against using their legitimate power or authority inappropriately.
He said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:41-46).
Biblical headship never entitles one to misuse that authority simply to get his own way, whether it is in a church, a company, community, or in a family. At the heart of most domestic abuse is the sinful use of power to gain control over another individual. The weapons used are physical strength, outbursts of anger and verbal threats, emotional battering and intimidation, economic control, sexual pressure or domination, and/or spiritual one-upmanship. One person in the relationship seeks to control the other by using anger, money, and the scriptures.
Sadly, I have seen many hurting individuals and families devastated by inadequate counsel in these situations simply because his or her pastor or counselor did not perceive the imbalance of power and control in the relationship. Instead of putting an axe to the root problem, he or she focused on anger management, conflict resolution, improved communication, or headship/ submission issues.
Jesus cautions those of us who do have positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, elders, counselors, teachers, and other leaders not to misuse those God-ordained positions for self-centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve those individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our ego’s stroked or to get our own way.
If my seminary trained pastor had never thought about David’s sin as an abuse of power, perhaps there other Christian leaders, pastors and counselors who don’t understand this problem very well either. I’m begging you to spread the word in the spheres of influence you have so that this problem is not only identified, but addressed Biblically.
Monday, August 2, 2010
What kind of therapy will help a narcissistic person change?
I’m going to be starting a new book project and I’d like your help. The working title is: What Every Woman Needs to Know….and teach her daughter. So this week’s question is: What are the kinds of things you wished your mother would have taught you? What did she teach you either by example or through her words that have made the greatest impact on you as an adult woman?
For example, some of the chapters I’m planning are along these lines: Every woman needs to know how to manage her emotions. Every woman needs to know that failure isn’t fatal. Every woman needs to know how to discern real people from fake, the sheep from the wolves. Every woman needs to know how to stick up for herself and when it’s necessary to do so. Every woman needs to know how to say “no” without feeling guilty. Every woman needs to know how to make a good decision for herself instead of depending on others to tell her what to do. Every woman needs to know how to have healthy relationships. Every woman needs to know how to love herself well and that that self-hatred isn’t just unhealthy, it’s sinful . And more…
If you have some thoughts or experiences/stories that you’d like to share, please e-mail me privately at leslie@leslievernick.com or share them in this blog.
Today’s Question: I’ve e-mailed you privately before but since I last wrote, the situation has escalated and I am now separated. My oldest daughter confided in one of her teachers regarding some things that had been going on in our home. This resulted in a DFACS investigation and their involvement is ongoing.
The agency required some mental assessments for my husband, my daughter, and me. The results were that my husband was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my daughter and I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our therapist professes to be a believer and understands our biblical views and is working with our pastor to bring about healing to our family. However she is still coming from the clinical side of things, and sometimes I am very confused by her approach (validating his pain, hurt, etc. to build his trust and then patiently working with him to the point that she can hopefully open his eyes to the truth of his pain etc) My pastor on the other hand, is skeptical of this approach and is concerned that she is just “feeding his frenzy” and that the deeper issues of sin are not being addressed, therefore, making the healing process very slow.
My question to you is this –given your training, biblical background, and experience – what thoughts do you have that a person with NPD will likely be able to truly see and deal with their sin issues? Would you be inclined to use a more direct approach? Also, if you can, what counsel would you give me in dealing with a person like this?
I realize there are many details that have not been provided to you. I am not looking for a detailed answer – just some general thoughts about NPD and it’s “victims” (if that’s possible).
Answer: I want to answer your question because I think many people in counseling struggle to understand why their therapist is taking a certain approach yet feel afraid to just ask him/her. As a therapist myself, if someone is unhappy with my approach or is confused by why I am doing something, I would welcome their question and I think most therapists would also. As a part of your own healing, as well as for the sake of your marriage and family, I’d encourage you to speak up and talk with your counselor about your concerns.
I am very uncomfortable making comments or giving an evaluation on the approach of your therapist with your husband because I do not know all the facts of the situation but let me give you some of my thoughts.
1. Working with a person diagnosed with NPD is a long slow process and there is not a high success rate. From the literature that I’ve read and my own personal experience, validating his pain does work to build his trust but it doesn’t always transfer into his ability to validate the pain he’s caused other people.
For a narcissist it is about his pain and his pain only. When you try to talk about your pain, it may get a nanosecond of acknowledgment but it quickly reverts back to his pain.
Empathy for another person is lacking in NPD and an ability to view you or your daughter as separate people is very minimal. You are there to help him, serve him, meet his needs, and make him happy. His pain, when you fail, will always be a justification for his hurtful actions towards you. Because you are human, you will always fail in some way and so everything always becomes about him.
2. Taking a more direct, confrontational approach with a narcissistic doesn’t work either. They will feel judged, misunderstood, unheard and will stop going to therapy. They are blind to their sin and no matter how much you say it, they don’t hear it. Remember Jesus with the Pharisees? Jesus called them a “brood of vipers” yet they did not repent or acknowledge he was right. They just got defensive, angry, and more aggressive.
3. I think it is very tricky to try to work with a narcissistic person on their narcissism and on their pain while also trying to do marital therapy and treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the other family members. If the therapist validates your pain, the narcissistic person feels threatened, neglected and/or wounded. On the other hand, when she validates his pain, you get confused. It’s hard for you to understand why she validates his pain instead of helping him take responsibility and show concern and remorse about the pain he has caused you and your daughter.
My recommendations are this: If your goal is healing for the family, you will need to lower your expectations for the change process. It is slow going whatever approach you take. Talk with your therapist and see if perhaps you and your daughter need separate help dealing with the PSTD and learning how to set appropriate boundaries so that you can minimize the traumatic effect his behaviors have on you.
If your husband doesn’t stop his rages and/or physical abuse, continued separation is best. You indicated that you still have daily contact because of a family business but you need also emotional separation. Your pastor may be able to help you work through an agreeable work arrangement so that negative contact is minimized.
You concluded in your e-mail that the “sad part is he doesn’t really understand why – he just thinks I’m acting out of anger and bitterness”. You’re right, he doesn’t understand. I’m sure you’ve told your husband “why” again and again and again but he never “get’s it” and everything still is your fault. That is the nature of the narcissistic personality and you must learn not to engage or take in his poisonous barbs when he directs them toward you. You are not a perfect person, nor is he. The difference however is that you are aware of your failures and are willing to take responsibility for them and change and grow, he is not. Until he can empathize with you and your children for the pain he’s caused and allow each of you to have your own separate feelings, needs and choices as well as cope with his own hurt and/or disappointment when you don’t do what he wants you to do, there is not much hope for true healing in your family.
There is a lot of work to be done but the first step is acknowledging the problem. If your husband can get to a place where he sees that he is part of the problem, there is hope for your family. If not, then the goal of therapy is to help him see. How long that takes no one can predict.
For example, some of the chapters I’m planning are along these lines: Every woman needs to know how to manage her emotions. Every woman needs to know that failure isn’t fatal. Every woman needs to know how to discern real people from fake, the sheep from the wolves. Every woman needs to know how to stick up for herself and when it’s necessary to do so. Every woman needs to know how to say “no” without feeling guilty. Every woman needs to know how to make a good decision for herself instead of depending on others to tell her what to do. Every woman needs to know how to have healthy relationships. Every woman needs to know how to love herself well and that that self-hatred isn’t just unhealthy, it’s sinful . And more…
If you have some thoughts or experiences/stories that you’d like to share, please e-mail me privately at leslie@leslievernick.com or share them in this blog.
Today’s Question: I’ve e-mailed you privately before but since I last wrote, the situation has escalated and I am now separated. My oldest daughter confided in one of her teachers regarding some things that had been going on in our home. This resulted in a DFACS investigation and their involvement is ongoing.
The agency required some mental assessments for my husband, my daughter, and me. The results were that my husband was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my daughter and I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our therapist professes to be a believer and understands our biblical views and is working with our pastor to bring about healing to our family. However she is still coming from the clinical side of things, and sometimes I am very confused by her approach (validating his pain, hurt, etc. to build his trust and then patiently working with him to the point that she can hopefully open his eyes to the truth of his pain etc) My pastor on the other hand, is skeptical of this approach and is concerned that she is just “feeding his frenzy” and that the deeper issues of sin are not being addressed, therefore, making the healing process very slow.
My question to you is this –given your training, biblical background, and experience – what thoughts do you have that a person with NPD will likely be able to truly see and deal with their sin issues? Would you be inclined to use a more direct approach? Also, if you can, what counsel would you give me in dealing with a person like this?
I realize there are many details that have not been provided to you. I am not looking for a detailed answer – just some general thoughts about NPD and it’s “victims” (if that’s possible).
Answer: I want to answer your question because I think many people in counseling struggle to understand why their therapist is taking a certain approach yet feel afraid to just ask him/her. As a therapist myself, if someone is unhappy with my approach or is confused by why I am doing something, I would welcome their question and I think most therapists would also. As a part of your own healing, as well as for the sake of your marriage and family, I’d encourage you to speak up and talk with your counselor about your concerns.
I am very uncomfortable making comments or giving an evaluation on the approach of your therapist with your husband because I do not know all the facts of the situation but let me give you some of my thoughts.
1. Working with a person diagnosed with NPD is a long slow process and there is not a high success rate. From the literature that I’ve read and my own personal experience, validating his pain does work to build his trust but it doesn’t always transfer into his ability to validate the pain he’s caused other people.
For a narcissist it is about his pain and his pain only. When you try to talk about your pain, it may get a nanosecond of acknowledgment but it quickly reverts back to his pain.
Empathy for another person is lacking in NPD and an ability to view you or your daughter as separate people is very minimal. You are there to help him, serve him, meet his needs, and make him happy. His pain, when you fail, will always be a justification for his hurtful actions towards you. Because you are human, you will always fail in some way and so everything always becomes about him.
2. Taking a more direct, confrontational approach with a narcissistic doesn’t work either. They will feel judged, misunderstood, unheard and will stop going to therapy. They are blind to their sin and no matter how much you say it, they don’t hear it. Remember Jesus with the Pharisees? Jesus called them a “brood of vipers” yet they did not repent or acknowledge he was right. They just got defensive, angry, and more aggressive.
3. I think it is very tricky to try to work with a narcissistic person on their narcissism and on their pain while also trying to do marital therapy and treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the other family members. If the therapist validates your pain, the narcissistic person feels threatened, neglected and/or wounded. On the other hand, when she validates his pain, you get confused. It’s hard for you to understand why she validates his pain instead of helping him take responsibility and show concern and remorse about the pain he has caused you and your daughter.
My recommendations are this: If your goal is healing for the family, you will need to lower your expectations for the change process. It is slow going whatever approach you take. Talk with your therapist and see if perhaps you and your daughter need separate help dealing with the PSTD and learning how to set appropriate boundaries so that you can minimize the traumatic effect his behaviors have on you.
If your husband doesn’t stop his rages and/or physical abuse, continued separation is best. You indicated that you still have daily contact because of a family business but you need also emotional separation. Your pastor may be able to help you work through an agreeable work arrangement so that negative contact is minimized.
You concluded in your e-mail that the “sad part is he doesn’t really understand why – he just thinks I’m acting out of anger and bitterness”. You’re right, he doesn’t understand. I’m sure you’ve told your husband “why” again and again and again but he never “get’s it” and everything still is your fault. That is the nature of the narcissistic personality and you must learn not to engage or take in his poisonous barbs when he directs them toward you. You are not a perfect person, nor is he. The difference however is that you are aware of your failures and are willing to take responsibility for them and change and grow, he is not. Until he can empathize with you and your children for the pain he’s caused and allow each of you to have your own separate feelings, needs and choices as well as cope with his own hurt and/or disappointment when you don’t do what he wants you to do, there is not much hope for true healing in your family.
There is a lot of work to be done but the first step is acknowledging the problem. If your husband can get to a place where he sees that he is part of the problem, there is hope for your family. If not, then the goal of therapy is to help him see. How long that takes no one can predict.
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