My son found out his baby is not his. What should he do?

Dear Precious Friends,

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and prayers last week. I definitely felt them. The Care Net banquet went very well and Women’s Anew in Ohio was spirit filled. Now this weekend I’m off again to another women’s retreat in Ohio with Grace Church. I’d deeply appreciate it if you kept me in your prayers as I come to mind. There are so many hurting women out there and I want to have time to be available to them but I also have to have energy left to prepare and to speak. So ask God for his strength and wisdom for me to know when to say yes and when to say no.

This week’s question: My adult son just found out that the baby his wife and he have is not his. She confessed to him while pregnant that she had been with someone but my son stayed with her hoping that the baby was his. The real father knows that he has a baby and wants some involvement.

My daughter-in-law’s parents told my son last year that they had been told that she has borderline personality disorder. My son has checked into it and he seems to think they are correct even though she hasn’t been officially diagnosed. She (daughter-in-law) has a history of getting quickly involved emotionally and sexually with someone, telling them she’s divorced, or in the process of getting divorced.

My son has been through some devastating things since she came into his life three years ago. Knowing what he knows now, even though he loves the baby and has bonded with her (she is two months old) what is the prudent course of action? He is a believer, but not walking closely with the Lord. He hasn’t said much to me but he is in the military and I am going out to visit him. I don’t know what my place is or how much advice to give him.

I also feel badly that my son may not have learned how to deal with his wife’s abusive behavior because he grew up in a home where we all endured his dad’s emotional and verbal abuse and I didn’t model the correct way to handle it. I’m afraid that my son is allowing this abuse in the vain hope that he if he just “loves her more” she’ll eventually change” I lived with this delusion for way too long.
Help!

Answer: My heart goes out to you. When our children hurt, we as mom’s and dad’s hurt too. Your son needs your encouragement and your presence. As a young man he doesn’t need you to tell him what course to take. But he does need your prayers and to know that you have confidence in him that he will figure out, with God’s help, what the best course of action is. That may mean offering him an opportunity to dialogue with you about the pro’s and con’s of each choice he may make, but there is no easy road here or perfectly clear choice.

Since he is married to the child’s mother when she was born, I believe he is considered the legal father even if he isn’t the biological father. Since I’m not an attorney, I can’t give legal advice, but I’d encourage you to check with a lawyer about this, especially since he’s overseas. That may make a difference in how he looks at the situation and what decisions he makes. If he is considered the legal father, he would still be responsible to pay child support if he and his wife divorce. If he chooses to give up his legal rights to her biological father, than I believe that would be different, but again check with an attorney about this matter.

But those are small details in comparison to the big picture. Here is a man that’s been sinned against, a marriage that has been fractured and an innocent child that needs a loving family and a mommy and a daddy.

I think your son will have to wrestle with two questions, related but may have separate answers. The first one is does he want to continue being married to the child’s mother? She has been unfaithful and deceitful and he does have biblical grounds for divorce. If she indeed is BPD (Borderline personality disorder), she will need significant help in order to learn new ways of handling her erratic emotions and acting out behaviors. Is she willing to go for help and stay the course of treatment? If not than he will need to be prepared for more of the same if he chooses to stay married to her.

You indicated in your letter that he is leaning toward not seeing them as a “couple” anymore. But you also fear that he will fall into some old patterns he observed between you and his father where you put up with inappropriate and abusive behavior hoping that he’d change if you only loved him better. I think you could share those concerns with your son and remind him that he can make a difficult marriage better all by himself, but he cannot make it a loving and healthy marriage all by himself. If she is unwilling to own and work on her part, things will not show much improvement. Can he live with that in a peaceful and committed way? If not then perhaps he will have his answer.

The second question is whether he wants to commit to be the father of this child, knowing that he is not her biological father. This is done all the time in a blended marriage where a husband or wife commits to help parent children from a previous relationship. It’s also done in adoption, where someone takes the responsibility for parenting a child that is not their own biological child. There are open adoptions where the biological parent has some involvement in the child’s life, but the functioning parent is the adoptive parent.

God may have put him in this child’s life for a purpose, but only he can determine this. I think of Pharaoh’s daughter who took Moses in, even thought she knew he was a Hebrew child and had a biological mother. But this decision is one that only he can make. If we look at it from a purely human perspective, the easiest and probably smartest thing would be to walk away from the entire mess. Yet God may want him involved in this child’s life. So I’d encourage you as his mother to pray for him, encourage him to seek Godly wisdom and counsel, to pray about it and ask God what is best for him and for this little girl.

I wish I could give you more specifics but sadly, there are too many unanswered questions and more than one “right” answer.

But I know that God will give you wisdom as you ask him for he promises us that. He knows the beginning from the end and he will instruct your son if he will turn to him for his counsel. Perhaps this will be the time for your son to return to his faith. It is too big and too important a decision to make on his own.

Please pray for me

Hello everyone,

Today instead of answering a reader’s question I want to ask you all for prayer. This month I am over committed and I don’t know how I am going to do everything I need to do with excellence. That’s why I decided to forgo writing a response to one of your questions and instead ask you to pray for me.

This Thursday evening I’m speaking for the CareNet of Lehigh Valley fundraising banquet. This is a cause that is near to my heart and I want to be able to capture and articulate God’s message. But I also spoke last Saturday on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and have a full counseling load this week, I leave Friday morning for a speaking engagement in Ohio and more of the same next week and the week after and the week after that.

I don’t normally pack myself so tight but somehow it crept up on me. God knows and I know he will give me everything I need, but I do covet your prayers. I don’t want my “doing” to overwhelm me so that I’m crabby with my husband, distant with my clients, and impatient and harsh with my dog. I need to be still and quiet as well as productive and efficient with the time I do have. Pray that God blesses me with his merciful presence and wisdom.

I love you all!
Leslie

A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence

Happy Columbus Day,

This past weekend I attended my 40th High School reunion. I can hardly believe I am this old to have graduated 40 years ago. I loved seeing everyone again, finding old friends, making new ones. We danced the night away but I forgot I’m not 18 anymore. I strained my ankle trying to twist and shout on high heels and the next day my ankle was swollen and my knees clearly reminded me that I am not a teenager anymore! The weather couldn’t have been lovelier, summer heat, fall foliage. Breathtaking.

I hope I get to meet many of you on Saturday morning, October 16th where I’ll be speaking on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship at Calvary Temple in Allentown. It’s not too late to sign up. If you’d like to register call 610 866-5715 or go to www.truthfulwomen.org

Good relationships are so crucial for our emotional and mental health. An old Jewish proverb wisely states, “Sticks in a bundle are not easily broken, sticks alone can be broken by a child.” We all need loving connection, but for many individuals instead of love and safety, they experience abuse.

October is Domestic Violence awareness month. This week I’m going to repeat a blog I did last year on A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence. We need to be more proactive on this devastating issue. Jesus always cared for the oppressed and abused. One way you can be an advocate for the victims of Domestic Violence is forward this blog to your pastor and/or print it and share it with church leaders.

A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence

Every week I receive frantic calls and e-mails from Christian women who feel scared, trapped, hopeless, and helpless because their most intimate relationship is abusive; verbally, physically, sexually or all three.

Church leaders often lack the skills necessary to address the problem in a wise and competent manner. So how do we look at domestic violence biblically?

1. It is always sin. Malachi 2:16-17; Psalm 11:5; Colossians 3:19 Abusive speech is never an acceptable way to communicate (Colossians 3:8).

2. Violence is never an appropriate response to being provoked. People provoke us all the time but we are still responsible for our response (Ephesians 4:26; Luke 6:45).

3. Biblical headship does not grant a husband unlimited power over his wife, the right to remove her choices from her, or the right to have his own way all the time (Mark 10:42-45; Ephesians 5:1,2; Eph. 6:21-29).

4. God's purpose is to deliver the abused. (Psalm 5,7,10, 140, Acts 14:5)

So how does a Christian respond? The apostle Paul encountered some spiritually abusive leaders in 2 Corinthians and he tells us not to put up with it (2 Cor. 11:20). He also encourages us in Romans 12:21 to not be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good.

Below are some biblical guidelines that will help you respond to the evil of domestic violence with good toward the victim and perpetrator.

1. It is good to protect yourself from violent people. (Proverbs 27:12; Prov. 11:9) David fled King Saul when he was violent toward him. The angel of the Lord warned Joseph to flee with Egypt with Jesus because Herod was trying to kill him. Paul escaped from those who sought to stone him.

2. It is good to expose the abuser. (Eph 5:11) Bringing the deeds of darkness into the light is the only way to get help for both the victim and the abuser.

3. It is good to speak the truth in love (Matthew 18:15-17) When someone grievously sins against us and will not listen, it is good to bring the matter before the church for additional support and authority.

4. It is good to allow the violent person to experience the consequences of his/her sinful behavior. One of life's greatest teachers is consequences. God says what we sow, we reap (Gal. 6:7) A person uses violence at home because he gets away with it. Don't let that happen. (Prov. 19:19). God has put civil authorities in place to protect victims of abuse. The apostle Paul appealed to the Roman government when he was being mistreated (Acts 22:24-29). We should do likewise.

Churches can do much to combat domestic violence. They can:

1. Educate teens on healthy dating relationships
2. Teach the proper relationship between husbands and wives and the misuse of authority.
3. Create a healing environment in the church.
4. Have a zero tolerance for abuse of any kind.
5. Become familiar with community resources to help women and families in crisis.

How can I help my wife? She's depressed and obsessed with our daughter's relationship with her boyfriend.

Good Monday afternoon:

I had a beautiful day at the beach Saturday with my girlfriend Barb. It does a woman good to spend some quality time with her female friends. We don’t take enough time to nurture our friendships do we? I want to encourage you to call a friend tonight. Bless her by thinking of her and letting her know.

Don’t forget, October 16th, Saturday morning’s event on , The Emotionally Destructive Relationship in Allentown, PA. If you are a person struggling in a difficult or destructive relationship or know someone who is and you want God’s answers and perspective, then please join us. You can register at www.truthforwomen.org or call 610 866-5715.

This week’s question: How do I support a spouse who will not listen and has thrown all her time, energy and finances into “supporting” our daughter’s relationship with a very needy young man who seems to constantly take. My wife is often very tearful, depressed and has gone from 9.6 stone to 7 stone in weight (a stone is = to 14 pounds), but she will not pull back. She believes she is needed and some family members have even accused her of being infatuated with this young man. What can I do to help her?

Answer: You have some multilayered issues here and I’d like to help you prioritize. First of all, your wife’s weight loss is significant and unless she is a very petite woman, she is underweight at only 98 pounds. Has this weight loss been intentional (in order to look more youthful or attractive), or rather due to her depression?

When working with someone who has multiple issues, I always start with the physical. If someone is losing weight, teary, can’t sleep, isn’t eating well, or other physical issues, you must address these areas before you can do much real work with the emotional, relational, or spiritual problems.

Invite her to take a free on-line test to evaluate whether or not she’s depressed. You can find one on my website home at http://www.leslievernick.com/resources.php. or at The National Mental Health Association at www.nbha.org When she takes the test, don’t merely look for how many symptoms she’s checked, but how long she’s had those symptoms and how severe they are? If someone has depressed symptoms for over two weeks in a row without a break and it’s not a result of a medical condition, it’s called major depression.

If she tests positive for some of the indicators of depression then see if you can get her to go to her to a medical doctor for an evaluation as to whether or not antidepressant medication is needed. Untreated depression has a significant impact on a person’s overall long term functioning and can result in changes in one’s brain structure. Don’t misunderstand me, medication isn’t the entire answer, but it can do a wonderful job in alleviating or minimizing some of the crippling symptoms of depression that keeps someone unable to function properly. Once your wife’s body feels better, then her mind and emotions are more likely to be able to think more clearly and wisely.

Another thing you might want to try is to invite your wife to walk with you. Exercise has been shown to be very effective with depressed people and for some it can be just as effective as medication. Walking together will also give you some time alone to talk and perhaps help her to re- focus her relationship with you rather than on your daughter’s relationship with her new boyfriend.

Which brings me to the relationship question. You say that she will not listen to you or anyone else in the family when they share their concerns about her over involvement with your daughter’s boyfriend. Is this typical of her? Has she been unwilling to hear other people’s feedback in the past about concerns? In other words has she been unteachable, stubborn, unwilling to face reality or truth? Or is this a more recent behavior, perhaps due to her depression?

People are usually defensive and unable to hear when someone is accusing or attacking and so I want you to take a look at how you have tried to communicate your concerns to her. In my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I talk about speaking up and when you do speak up, you want the best chance at being heard.

Therefore, it’s important not to just react and say whatever comes to your mind in an emotional outburst of frustration but to prepare and pray about what you want to say.Here is a sample of what I’m talking about:

What not to say:

“You’re over involved and consumed with this relationship. You’re sick, You’re crazy, You’re obsessed! Don’t you have anything better to do than to focus on this young man? What’s wrong with you? I don’t understand you? I think you have a “thing” for him.”

These are just a few destructive ways one could communicate their concerns, which would result in the other person either yelling back or shutting down.

What you can say: Here’s a different way to speak up about what you’ve told me and you’d have a greater chance of being heard.

“Honey can we talk? I’m really concerned about you. You’re teary and sad so much and seem to have lost your spark. Is anything wrong? The only thing that seems to interest you right now is our daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. I don’t understand why you see such potential there when all I see is a kid who takes without giving back. Please talk to me. What are you thinking and feeling?”

I’m concerned that in addition to depression, your wife may be a co-dependent person. What that means is that instead of working on herself, she focuses all her attention on the life of another person, often to her own peril. She may have always been this way but when she was doing this for her family, that may have felt more acceptable to you. Now that she’s giving her time and energy toward this young man, it doesn’t look so healthy.

Let me give you just a few of the characteristics of co-dependency or an unhealthy dependency on human approval.

Focusing one’s attention and energy on solving the problems of others, instead of solving one’s own problems.

Putting other people’s needs first, even when it is unhealthy and destructive to you.

Unable to create, maintain, or defend one’s boundaries.

The only time you feel positive about yourself is when other people need or affirm
you.

Doing everything to meet the expectations of others.

Taking responsibility to make others happy, meet their needs, and/or fix their
problems.

Easily denies and avoids reality (truth). Lives in a fantasy of what she wishes
were true rather than what is really true.

The good news is that it has a name. The bad news is you can’t fix this for your wife anymore than she can fix your daughter’s relationship problems. However, you can invite and influence your wife toward healthy change if you can stay healthy enough not to lash out in anger, but to speak truthfully in love, with patience and grace.

Readers: What has helped you to wake up and stop the flow of people pleasing behaviors or taking care of everyone else’s needs at your own expense? How have you handled the guilt and emptiness when you begin to make this change?