Good Monday Everyone,
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, thanking those you know and love for being “them”. I don’t think we do that enough. We’re quick to criticize, slow to encourage and affirm. We may think good thoughts, but often forget to actually say them. Today’s challenge: Bless someone with the gift of your encouraging words. You can give someone a great gift that only takes a few minutes of your time. Send them a hand written note telling him or her something specific that you appreciate or love about them. Trust me, it will make their day and they will savor it again and again. The Bible tells us that “Pleasant words are sweet to the spirit and healing to the bones” Proverbs 16:24.
Today’s Question: My husband was physically abusive to me about 5 months ago. Since that time the kids and I have not been living with him. My husband wants to reconcile and has been going to counseling over this time period and has stopped drinking. His counselor feels that he is showing improvement. He has shown changes over this period of time and has been showing greater improvement the last 2-3 months.
My oldest daughter who is 13 hates him. She wants nothing to do with him. I validate her feelings and he does too. He doesn’t cover up what happened and knows that it is his fault. He takes full responsibility. My counselor and his counselor both told us to just let her have her space, and don’t force her to go with him and that he will have to prove that he’s a safe person to her. It’s been 5 months and my husband tries to talk with her and offers to do things with her. He lets her know that he is there to talk with if she wants to but she has a wall up, cries and is angry about him.
How can he prove he has changed when she only sees him maybe 4-8 hours a week? He loves her and wants a relationship with her. He wants to make things right, and has not pressured her, but he is frustrated because he doesn’t know how to make things better. I feel very in the middle.
I don’t know if her being a teen or naturally stubborn plays into things at all either but it is all so heartbreaking. I am confused and dealing with things myself so it is very overwhelming for me. I don’t know when his behavior will be good enough for either of us. Any advice?
Answer: You are in an awful place and my heart goes out to you. There is so much in your question that you didn’t say and so I’m going to start by asking some questions. Your answers to those questions will shape much of my response.
Is this the first and only incident of physical abuse or just the latest before you took action to leave? I think it’s important to make a distinction between a single abusive incident (which all of us are capable of) and an abusive relationship in which abuse (whether physical, verbal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and/or sexual) is a regular part of the relationship and is used to intimidate and control another person.
If this was a one-time incident, you were wise to put your foot down immediately and say “This behavior is so inappropriate and destructive to the health of our family, I will not tolerate it.” and separate. Your husband has taken responsibility for his drinking and abusive behavior, gone to counseling and is working hard on not repeating it ever again. I applaud both of your efforts here.
If that is the case then I think it might be time to help you daughter express specifically what she is hurt by and/or angry with and what her father could do to make amends to their relationship. Did she witness the abuse? If so, she might be experiencing some post traumatic stress and need some help in processing those memories.
I also think that you might start talking with her about forgiving her dad, even if she doesn’t trust or feel safe with him yet. She is at a very vulnerable age where she is tempted on all fronts. Holding on to hatred and bitterness gives Satan a foothold into her spirit and emotional life (Ephesians 4:27). Even if she isn’t ready to reconcile with her father, she needs to not only feel her feelings, she needs to process them in order to move on and let go of this hatred.
On the other hand, if this was not a one-time incident but the last episode in a series of abusive incidents then there is a lot more damage to the family, marriage and children and 5 months is hardly enough time for adequate healing to take place. Sadly, too many spouses’ allow one time abusive incidents to grow into a regular pattern of abusive behavior because they did not draw a firm enough line at the first whiff of abusive behavior.
Your counselors are right to give your daughter space, but is she able to express specifically why she hates her father and what he has done to hurt her? For example, has he been abusive to her (physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually?) as well as to you? How has their relationship been throughout her 13 years? Did they ever have a close bond? If not, why not? If so, what ruined it? Perhaps at some point in the counseling process, your daughter could join your husband for some family counseling or repair work on their relationship. I would suggest at least some of this be done before any talk of coming home is done.
You ask how can he prove he’s different if he only sees her 5-8 hours a week but if he can’t show her he’s safe during those 5-8 hours, he won’t be able to do it longer term. It starts slowly and then builds. Although you say your husband has been patient with the healing process and takes full responsibility for his behavior, by the overall anxious tone of your letter, I suspect you are feeling some internal pressure to hurry the process along. I think you’d be wise to pay attention to where that is coming from? Is it from your desire to please everyone, fix things and create this happy family or is it from him wanting you to allow him to come home or do something to change your daughter’s attitude?
We must be discerning of an individual who may be sorrowful, but not necessarily repentant of their abusive behaviors. Here are some of the things I look for when trying to discern if someone is truly repentant:
1 They accept full responsibility for their actions and attitudes (no blame-shifting).
2. They acknowledge their brokenness and sinfulness in detail.
3. They recognize the effects of their actions on others and show empathy for the pain he/she caused.
4. They are working to develop new behaviors and attitudes of healthy relationships.
5. They can an accept consequences without demands or conditions.
6. They are willing to make amends for the damage they caused.
7. They are willing to make consistent changes over the long term.
8. They are willing to be consistently accountable to someone.
Go through this list. Has your husband shown enough evidence of these 8 steps and do you see specific progress in step 4, working to develop new behaviors and attitudes of healthy relationships? If so, then I think you can be his greatest cheerleader with your daughter. If not, then perhaps you need to press pause and wait to see the fruits of repentance evidence themselves more fully.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
My boyfriend flirts with other women and it makes me insecure. Should I give him another chance?
Good morning beautiful friends.
Last week I never got to post a question or response. Instead, I got stuck at O’Hare airport in Chicago on Sunday. My plane had mechanical problems and thus the long layover in Chicago while I waited for my connecting flight home to Allentown. I’m thankful I got home that evening, even though it was very late. I had hoped to finish writing this blog while I was waiting but my body and brain gave out and I had to rest. I just finished speaking at the Hearts at Home Conference in Rochester, Minnesota. What a wonderful organization of committed mom’s who want to help women be the best wife and mother they can possibly be. I love that I get to serve God and help women grow closer to Him and to the one’s they love most dearly.
I know some of you also prayed for me this past Monday night where I had the opportunity be a guest speaker on domestic violence for Winston Smith’s marriage class at Westminster seminary. I’ve been teaching this particular class for several years and I’m grateful that they consider this an important enough topic to devote an entire 3 hour session to understanding the underlying dynamics and how to best minister to a family caught in this devastating sin. I am always a little bit surprised at the number of people who are taking this class who find themselves also in a destructive/abusive relationship. It is such an important topic for the church to understand and address. I am grateful that more and more pastors and church leaders are asking good questions and wanting to know what they can do to be helpful and proactive in these situations.
This week I want you to share with me what specifically you are thankful for. In my weekly blog, our focus is typically on difficult relationship problems. But I don’t want you to lose sight of all the good that is around you even in the midst of the pain and suffering that you might be experiencing.
Please know how thankful I am for all of you who read these posts and e-mail me how they have been helpful to you. I am thankful for the work that God is doing in your hearts and relationships. I am so grateful for the wonderful opportunity God gives me to serve you through answering your questions each week.
And on a personal note I am thankful for my daughter Amanda who regularly posts pictures of Amaya, my new granddaughter on Facebook, so I can keep up with her beautiful progress, and my son, Ryan who is always so helpful to me and my husband, Howard, who brings me up a cup of hot tea with lemon every morning as I am waking up and my dear friend Barb who is cooking Thanksgiving this year.
This Week’s Question I have been in a dating relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend and I are in our 30’s and our relationship is always on and off due to my boyfriends talking, texting, e-mailing other women. He has 2 social networking accounts and when I get the chance to see what he has been up to, it’s usually not good.
He is handsome, funny, charming and loving, and I guess you can say has a roaming eye. He is a very good when he is with me…and we are almost always together. We have fun and do family activities and enjoy each other’s company. We don’t live together and we don’t have any children together. He has one daughter and I have 4 teens from my husband who passed away 5 years ago.
My problem is I cannot handle him talking with other women. It makes me so insecure and I am constantly watching to see what he is doing. His behavior hurts me and I have anxiety attacks after seeing him talk to these women. Some are high school girlfriends, ex’s and crushes. He doesn’t tell me he talks to them, he does it when I’m not around or he goes online whenever we have an argument, then he tells these women that I’m jealous and insecure. He shouldn’t be telling anyone my business right?
I love him very much but I feel I have no self-esteem. I am constantly comparing myself to these other women. We have been broken up for about a month and I wonder if I should give him another chance? I have told him what bothers me and if he just would stop doing it our life would be good. But he doesn’t seem to take my feelings into consideration.
As I am reading what I am writing, I believe I know the answer to this question. I am strong in faith and believe in God and prayer. I pray for him to change, but when I see him doing it again, it discourages me and I stop praying. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants him back but the other part says I deserve respect and deserve a lot better. Please, any feedback you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Answer: Writing things down or speaking them out loud is a great clarifier. As you a noticed when you were writing out your concerns and question, deep down you already know the answer to your dilemma. You say that you love this man but you realize that he is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. After almost 3 years of dating, it doesn’t sound like he wants to commit himself fully to you. He wants to be free to flirt with other women and text, e-mail and talk with them as he desires. The problem I see is that he isn’t being honest with you about his level of commitment to you, or that you’re not hearing him.
So what I want you to do is stop and ask yourself two questions. First, has he told you again and again that he’s not ready to have a serious long term committed relationship with you? Perhaps he tells you that he wants to “go out” and “have fun” but not exclusively? Have you ignored what he’s told you, hoping and praying that somehow he would change his mind and stop looking at other women and flirting? Then when you discover that he’s been doing those things, you compare yourself with these other women and feel more and more anxious, insecure and jealous?
If this is what’s going on, I think you know that it’s not a matter of giving him another chance. Instead you will need to hear what he is able to give you and then decide whether or not you want to accept that level of relationship. It sounds to me like you are ready for a more committed relationship but he may not be. If that’s true it’s best that you let go. He’s made it clear to you that he’s not ready to commit and his behavior continues to hurt you deeply.
You say you have a strong faith but I wonder if this man has become too central to your well-being as a person. From what you describe, you have allowed your self-esteem and emotional well-being to be totally dependent on him. That is a very slippery and dangerous slope for any person. Your need for security and love will never be fully met by another human being but only by God. When we ask another human being to give us what only God can give us, we’ve put him or her in the god position in our lives, making him/her an idol.
I’d encourage you to take the time now to strengthen your own relationship with God so that you become a God-centered woman instead of a man-centered woman. This will help you even if you answered no to the first question and yes to this next one.
The second question I want you to ask yourself is does he say one thing to your face like “I want to be in a committed relationship with you,” but then he behaves very differently when you’re not together or you’re not watching him?
If that’s the case, then you still may have put him in the god position in your life but you also have a different problem.
It’s crucial that you not confuse charm and charisma with good character. You say that he is a lot of fun to be with and treats you well in some ways but you’re also telling me that he hasn’t been truthful with you, he’s hiding what he’s doing and he’s been inconsiderate of your feelings He wants you in his life but he minimizes the pain he causes you. In addition, when you confront him on his actions, he flips things around so that the problem becomes your jealousy and insecurity instead of his deceit and flirtatious behaviors.
It’s important that you ask yourself why you would continue to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot be faithful to you, isn’t honest, and doesn’t care about how he hurts your feelings? Is it that you’re afraid to be alone? Or is it that you’re not sure you will be treated any better by someone else?
Do you really want to be a detective or policeman over his phone and internet use? If you choose to do that, how will that make you feel more secure or loved? When we start trying to control another person’s actions, it usually results in the other person becoming sneakier and more cleaver at hiding things, not in a more loving and honest relationship.
Your problem as I see it is that you don’t like your boyfriend’s deceit and flirtatious behavior. You don’t like feeling insecure around him and you don’t like that he doesn’t seem to value you enough to change his behaviors. You are discouraged that your prayers haven’t changed him yet but have you considered that perhaps God might be trying to change you instead so that you respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to continue to be treated in this way and that you not marry this kind of person?
I’d love to hear how you worked this through and what the results were. Please share your journey with the rest of us. God Bless.
Last week I never got to post a question or response. Instead, I got stuck at O’Hare airport in Chicago on Sunday. My plane had mechanical problems and thus the long layover in Chicago while I waited for my connecting flight home to Allentown. I’m thankful I got home that evening, even though it was very late. I had hoped to finish writing this blog while I was waiting but my body and brain gave out and I had to rest. I just finished speaking at the Hearts at Home Conference in Rochester, Minnesota. What a wonderful organization of committed mom’s who want to help women be the best wife and mother they can possibly be. I love that I get to serve God and help women grow closer to Him and to the one’s they love most dearly.
I know some of you also prayed for me this past Monday night where I had the opportunity be a guest speaker on domestic violence for Winston Smith’s marriage class at Westminster seminary. I’ve been teaching this particular class for several years and I’m grateful that they consider this an important enough topic to devote an entire 3 hour session to understanding the underlying dynamics and how to best minister to a family caught in this devastating sin. I am always a little bit surprised at the number of people who are taking this class who find themselves also in a destructive/abusive relationship. It is such an important topic for the church to understand and address. I am grateful that more and more pastors and church leaders are asking good questions and wanting to know what they can do to be helpful and proactive in these situations.
This week I want you to share with me what specifically you are thankful for. In my weekly blog, our focus is typically on difficult relationship problems. But I don’t want you to lose sight of all the good that is around you even in the midst of the pain and suffering that you might be experiencing.
Please know how thankful I am for all of you who read these posts and e-mail me how they have been helpful to you. I am thankful for the work that God is doing in your hearts and relationships. I am so grateful for the wonderful opportunity God gives me to serve you through answering your questions each week.
And on a personal note I am thankful for my daughter Amanda who regularly posts pictures of Amaya, my new granddaughter on Facebook, so I can keep up with her beautiful progress, and my son, Ryan who is always so helpful to me and my husband, Howard, who brings me up a cup of hot tea with lemon every morning as I am waking up and my dear friend Barb who is cooking Thanksgiving this year.
This Week’s Question I have been in a dating relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend and I are in our 30’s and our relationship is always on and off due to my boyfriends talking, texting, e-mailing other women. He has 2 social networking accounts and when I get the chance to see what he has been up to, it’s usually not good.
He is handsome, funny, charming and loving, and I guess you can say has a roaming eye. He is a very good when he is with me…and we are almost always together. We have fun and do family activities and enjoy each other’s company. We don’t live together and we don’t have any children together. He has one daughter and I have 4 teens from my husband who passed away 5 years ago.
My problem is I cannot handle him talking with other women. It makes me so insecure and I am constantly watching to see what he is doing. His behavior hurts me and I have anxiety attacks after seeing him talk to these women. Some are high school girlfriends, ex’s and crushes. He doesn’t tell me he talks to them, he does it when I’m not around or he goes online whenever we have an argument, then he tells these women that I’m jealous and insecure. He shouldn’t be telling anyone my business right?
I love him very much but I feel I have no self-esteem. I am constantly comparing myself to these other women. We have been broken up for about a month and I wonder if I should give him another chance? I have told him what bothers me and if he just would stop doing it our life would be good. But he doesn’t seem to take my feelings into consideration.
As I am reading what I am writing, I believe I know the answer to this question. I am strong in faith and believe in God and prayer. I pray for him to change, but when I see him doing it again, it discourages me and I stop praying. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants him back but the other part says I deserve respect and deserve a lot better. Please, any feedback you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Answer: Writing things down or speaking them out loud is a great clarifier. As you a noticed when you were writing out your concerns and question, deep down you already know the answer to your dilemma. You say that you love this man but you realize that he is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. After almost 3 years of dating, it doesn’t sound like he wants to commit himself fully to you. He wants to be free to flirt with other women and text, e-mail and talk with them as he desires. The problem I see is that he isn’t being honest with you about his level of commitment to you, or that you’re not hearing him.
So what I want you to do is stop and ask yourself two questions. First, has he told you again and again that he’s not ready to have a serious long term committed relationship with you? Perhaps he tells you that he wants to “go out” and “have fun” but not exclusively? Have you ignored what he’s told you, hoping and praying that somehow he would change his mind and stop looking at other women and flirting? Then when you discover that he’s been doing those things, you compare yourself with these other women and feel more and more anxious, insecure and jealous?
If this is what’s going on, I think you know that it’s not a matter of giving him another chance. Instead you will need to hear what he is able to give you and then decide whether or not you want to accept that level of relationship. It sounds to me like you are ready for a more committed relationship but he may not be. If that’s true it’s best that you let go. He’s made it clear to you that he’s not ready to commit and his behavior continues to hurt you deeply.
You say you have a strong faith but I wonder if this man has become too central to your well-being as a person. From what you describe, you have allowed your self-esteem and emotional well-being to be totally dependent on him. That is a very slippery and dangerous slope for any person. Your need for security and love will never be fully met by another human being but only by God. When we ask another human being to give us what only God can give us, we’ve put him or her in the god position in our lives, making him/her an idol.
I’d encourage you to take the time now to strengthen your own relationship with God so that you become a God-centered woman instead of a man-centered woman. This will help you even if you answered no to the first question and yes to this next one.
The second question I want you to ask yourself is does he say one thing to your face like “I want to be in a committed relationship with you,” but then he behaves very differently when you’re not together or you’re not watching him?
If that’s the case, then you still may have put him in the god position in your life but you also have a different problem.
It’s crucial that you not confuse charm and charisma with good character. You say that he is a lot of fun to be with and treats you well in some ways but you’re also telling me that he hasn’t been truthful with you, he’s hiding what he’s doing and he’s been inconsiderate of your feelings He wants you in his life but he minimizes the pain he causes you. In addition, when you confront him on his actions, he flips things around so that the problem becomes your jealousy and insecurity instead of his deceit and flirtatious behaviors.
It’s important that you ask yourself why you would continue to pursue a relationship with someone who cannot be faithful to you, isn’t honest, and doesn’t care about how he hurts your feelings? Is it that you’re afraid to be alone? Or is it that you’re not sure you will be treated any better by someone else?
Do you really want to be a detective or policeman over his phone and internet use? If you choose to do that, how will that make you feel more secure or loved? When we start trying to control another person’s actions, it usually results in the other person becoming sneakier and more cleaver at hiding things, not in a more loving and honest relationship.
Your problem as I see it is that you don’t like your boyfriend’s deceit and flirtatious behavior. You don’t like feeling insecure around him and you don’t like that he doesn’t seem to value you enough to change his behaviors. You are discouraged that your prayers haven’t changed him yet but have you considered that perhaps God might be trying to change you instead so that you respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to continue to be treated in this way and that you not marry this kind of person?
I’d love to hear how you worked this through and what the results were. Please share your journey with the rest of us. God Bless.
Monday, November 8, 2010
I don't want to get stuck in bitterness and hatred. How do I let them go?
Good morning everyone,
I’m on the home stretch. Next weekend is my last weekend away and I’ll be in wintery Rochester Minnesota for a Hearts at Home Conference. I would appreciate your prayers.
Thank you for your prayers for this past weekend. I had a good response to my presentation on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and there were some special God appointments there too. I love how he reminds us continually of his Presence. When I started to get anxious, he reassured me of his peace. I was in the company of many professors and academians and honestly, I felt intimidated. But God reminded me that he gave me something to say and I was encouraged by their warm response.
I finally went to the doctor about my ankle and it was a bad sprain, maybe a torn tendon, so now I’m wearing an air braces most of the time to stabilize it. I start physical therapy today and hopefully by the time we need to wear boots, I’ll be as good as new. Wearing shoes is the problem. I don’t really have anything that fits with the brace other than sneakers.
Today’s Question: I have been married for 26 years. My husband began working on a job with evening hours 3 years ago. Within a few months he started to withdraw. He became inwardly critical of me in a way he had never been. Two years ago, he secretly went to see a divorce mediator. Finally, he confronted me. He told me I had become sexually unattractive, didn’t keep a clean enough house, and was so unwise and irresponsible with money that he had bitterness and resentment toward me. He said he no longer loved me and that he wanted a divorce.
I pointed out to him that at 22 years of marriage, he had written a beautiful love note that talked about how he looked forward to growing old together. At that time, I was heavier, in debt, and prone to “lick and promise” housekeeping. All those things had improved in the years since then. I now weigh less, am a better housekeeper, and have paid off all my debt. It took several weeks but he was finally able to admit that was true. He then decided the problem was within himself.
I am his second wife. He married first wife at 17 and stayed married for 10 years before she left him for another man. He was a single dad with a young daughter for a year and then he married me. He now says he has been married all his life and he just doesn’t want to be married anymore. He wants to be alone. He moved out a month ago and began divorce proceedings.
I cannot begin to understand what to do with all my feelings. I truly believe God called me to marry this man but I cannot understand why He would call me to this, knowing that it would end in such pain, not just for me but for our 3 children.
My husband insists that it is important that we remain friends. I don’t see how that is possible. He has betrayed and deceived me emotionally withdrawing from the marriage and planning a divorce. I don’t want to get lost in bitterness and hatred. Our children are suffering enough without having to deal with enmity between their parents. But I am so hurt and angry that moving toward friendship doesn’t seem possible.
Any suggestions?
Answer: I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing. You have every reason to feel hurt, angry and confused at your husband’s betrayal. And these strong emotions are not something we can quickly let go of. But we can get lost in them where they do then turn into bitterness and hatred. You are wise to want to avoid getting stuck in that place. I’m going to give you some specific ways of letting them go. In chapter 3 of my book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy, I give people some very concrete ways of letting go of negative emotions. A few of those tips are as follows:
Externalize your emotions: For example instead of saying, “I’m so hurt, or I’m angry”, say it this way (even to yourself). “I’m aware that I’m feeling hurt right now.” Just this small change in the way we say things can make a big difference. When we say it the first way, “I am angry,” we become over-identified with our emotion. Saying it in this new way helps you have your emotion instead of your emotion having you. It creates that little bit of space that will help you decide what you want to do with that emotion and whether or not it’s useful to you anymore.
Second, pay attention to your thoughts. When we dwell on wrongs done to us or mentally rehearse over and over again how someone has hurt us, we reactivate all the same painful emotions again and again. We retraumatize ourselves as we relive the situation. You will have to mentally discipline yourself to switch to a different channel in your mind. We do the same thing when we feel frightened watching a scary movie and then turn to something else. We don’t like that feeling and so we don’t continue watching something that stirs it up.
Journal out your negative thoughts and feelings. Putting them on paper and into words helps you work through them and eventually let go of them.
Join a support group such as Divorce Care. They will help validate your feelings as normal as well as give you support in learning to rebuild your life.
But these things only will work if you want to let your negative feelings go. Sometimes we find it difficult to actually let them go because we feel so justified and entitled to them because of the wounds we have experienced. But understand that holding on to them hurts you more than anyone else and you are wise to want to let them go.
Your husband was right when he said the problem was within himself and hopefully he will begin to address whatever that problem is (just as you addressed some of your issues with finances, housekeeping and food). But at this point in your relationship, you will need to decide whether you will choose to forgive him for his sins against you. Again it feels like you shouldn’t have to do all this hard work because he is the one who sinned against you, but if you allow unforgiveness to fester, it only hurts you and your relationship with God.
You wondered why God would call you to marry this man knowing it would end in such pain. I can’t answer that specifically but God gives all of us a free choice and when we choose badly, it often does end in pain for ourselves and others. That’s why he repeatedly tells us to choose life.
Although your husband hasn’t chosen wisely, now you have some critical choices to make in how you handle yourself in this painful time. You said you don’t know you how could remain friends with him after he has betrayed you but I think what he is really asking for is that you both be parents to your children without hostility and bitterness. You both will always be your children’s parents and their children’s grandparents. The more you are able to co-exist together while celebrating family moments, the more you will help your children transition into this new phase of your family life. I don’t think you need to be friends where you share each other’s confidences or do things socially together, but rather can be polite and respectful in each other’s presence.
Please know that all this takes time and your wounds are very fresh. You are still grieving the loss of your marriage and family as you knew it. This biggest part of this next step of letting go is your willingness. Once we’re willing, then we can apply ourselves to take the steps necessary to heal. May you choose life for you and your children.
Readers: Share with us how you have let go of a negative emotion. What helped you want to let it go and how did you do it?
I’m on the home stretch. Next weekend is my last weekend away and I’ll be in wintery Rochester Minnesota for a Hearts at Home Conference. I would appreciate your prayers.
Thank you for your prayers for this past weekend. I had a good response to my presentation on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and there were some special God appointments there too. I love how he reminds us continually of his Presence. When I started to get anxious, he reassured me of his peace. I was in the company of many professors and academians and honestly, I felt intimidated. But God reminded me that he gave me something to say and I was encouraged by their warm response.
I finally went to the doctor about my ankle and it was a bad sprain, maybe a torn tendon, so now I’m wearing an air braces most of the time to stabilize it. I start physical therapy today and hopefully by the time we need to wear boots, I’ll be as good as new. Wearing shoes is the problem. I don’t really have anything that fits with the brace other than sneakers.
Today’s Question: I have been married for 26 years. My husband began working on a job with evening hours 3 years ago. Within a few months he started to withdraw. He became inwardly critical of me in a way he had never been. Two years ago, he secretly went to see a divorce mediator. Finally, he confronted me. He told me I had become sexually unattractive, didn’t keep a clean enough house, and was so unwise and irresponsible with money that he had bitterness and resentment toward me. He said he no longer loved me and that he wanted a divorce.
I pointed out to him that at 22 years of marriage, he had written a beautiful love note that talked about how he looked forward to growing old together. At that time, I was heavier, in debt, and prone to “lick and promise” housekeeping. All those things had improved in the years since then. I now weigh less, am a better housekeeper, and have paid off all my debt. It took several weeks but he was finally able to admit that was true. He then decided the problem was within himself.
I am his second wife. He married first wife at 17 and stayed married for 10 years before she left him for another man. He was a single dad with a young daughter for a year and then he married me. He now says he has been married all his life and he just doesn’t want to be married anymore. He wants to be alone. He moved out a month ago and began divorce proceedings.
I cannot begin to understand what to do with all my feelings. I truly believe God called me to marry this man but I cannot understand why He would call me to this, knowing that it would end in such pain, not just for me but for our 3 children.
My husband insists that it is important that we remain friends. I don’t see how that is possible. He has betrayed and deceived me emotionally withdrawing from the marriage and planning a divorce. I don’t want to get lost in bitterness and hatred. Our children are suffering enough without having to deal with enmity between their parents. But I am so hurt and angry that moving toward friendship doesn’t seem possible.
Any suggestions?
Answer: I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing. You have every reason to feel hurt, angry and confused at your husband’s betrayal. And these strong emotions are not something we can quickly let go of. But we can get lost in them where they do then turn into bitterness and hatred. You are wise to want to avoid getting stuck in that place. I’m going to give you some specific ways of letting them go. In chapter 3 of my book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy, I give people some very concrete ways of letting go of negative emotions. A few of those tips are as follows:
Externalize your emotions: For example instead of saying, “I’m so hurt, or I’m angry”, say it this way (even to yourself). “I’m aware that I’m feeling hurt right now.” Just this small change in the way we say things can make a big difference. When we say it the first way, “I am angry,” we become over-identified with our emotion. Saying it in this new way helps you have your emotion instead of your emotion having you. It creates that little bit of space that will help you decide what you want to do with that emotion and whether or not it’s useful to you anymore.
Second, pay attention to your thoughts. When we dwell on wrongs done to us or mentally rehearse over and over again how someone has hurt us, we reactivate all the same painful emotions again and again. We retraumatize ourselves as we relive the situation. You will have to mentally discipline yourself to switch to a different channel in your mind. We do the same thing when we feel frightened watching a scary movie and then turn to something else. We don’t like that feeling and so we don’t continue watching something that stirs it up.
Journal out your negative thoughts and feelings. Putting them on paper and into words helps you work through them and eventually let go of them.
Join a support group such as Divorce Care. They will help validate your feelings as normal as well as give you support in learning to rebuild your life.
But these things only will work if you want to let your negative feelings go. Sometimes we find it difficult to actually let them go because we feel so justified and entitled to them because of the wounds we have experienced. But understand that holding on to them hurts you more than anyone else and you are wise to want to let them go.
Your husband was right when he said the problem was within himself and hopefully he will begin to address whatever that problem is (just as you addressed some of your issues with finances, housekeeping and food). But at this point in your relationship, you will need to decide whether you will choose to forgive him for his sins against you. Again it feels like you shouldn’t have to do all this hard work because he is the one who sinned against you, but if you allow unforgiveness to fester, it only hurts you and your relationship with God.
You wondered why God would call you to marry this man knowing it would end in such pain. I can’t answer that specifically but God gives all of us a free choice and when we choose badly, it often does end in pain for ourselves and others. That’s why he repeatedly tells us to choose life.
Although your husband hasn’t chosen wisely, now you have some critical choices to make in how you handle yourself in this painful time. You said you don’t know you how could remain friends with him after he has betrayed you but I think what he is really asking for is that you both be parents to your children without hostility and bitterness. You both will always be your children’s parents and their children’s grandparents. The more you are able to co-exist together while celebrating family moments, the more you will help your children transition into this new phase of your family life. I don’t think you need to be friends where you share each other’s confidences or do things socially together, but rather can be polite and respectful in each other’s presence.
Please know that all this takes time and your wounds are very fresh. You are still grieving the loss of your marriage and family as you knew it. This biggest part of this next step of letting go is your willingness. Once we’re willing, then we can apply ourselves to take the steps necessary to heal. May you choose life for you and your children.
Readers: Share with us how you have let go of a negative emotion. What helped you want to let it go and how did you do it?
Monday, November 1, 2010
I'm in an abusive marriage and my counselor doesn't "get" it. Help!
Good Monday!
I love, love women’s retreats. It blesses me so much to see the lights go on and the tears begin to flow as God powerfully renews a mind, touches a heart, and restores a soul. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers. For although I’ve been physically exhausted, I am emotionally and spiritually refreshed and recharged.
This past weekend I spoke at a wonderful women’s retreat in Cleveland. Saturday night we played games, painted our nails, ate chocolate, drank cappuccino’s and learned line dancing. How fun is that? But my ankle started hurting so I had to stop (for those new to my blog, I twisted my ankle dancing at my 40th high school reunion several weeks ago).
Two more weekends on the road and then I get to stay home. I do so appreciate your prayers on my behalf. This coming weekend I’m doing a workshop for a group of Christian psychologists on The Emotionally Destructive Relationships at a CAPS (Christians and Psychological Studies) conference. Pray that they are open to learning the difference between regular marital counseling and dealing with abusive relationships. That brings me to this week’s question and I’m going to warn you up front it’s a long question and answer but I think a necessary one.
This week’s question: I’ve been married to an abusive man for 20 years and our marriage has had most forms of abuse except for sexual. We have been through many counselors in our marriage and are now currently in counseling with a nouthetic counselor.
I do not understand his counseling approach. First meeting was us in his office telling us we were both sinners, self-righteous, prideful, etc. He minimized the abuse of my children, he minimized mine because my husband hadn’t ‘physically” abused me in two years. He minimized the word abuse, told me I shouldn’t fear my husband etc. By the time I left the meeting I couldn’t quit crying because I felt so attacked and like he just fed my husband’s ego. I had gone to the church for help because of the ongoing other forms of abuse that included abuse of my children.
Our counseling sessions consisted of us making up a “sin list” to confess our sins to one another and also add to the other’s list of how we felt they wronged us. Yet in the midst of doing this, the verbal and emotional stuff was still going on. It was awful.
I tried to tell the counselor that my husband was being deceitful and all he said was that my husband said the same about me. I tried to tell him about the physical and verbal abuse of the kids yet again, the word got minimized. The church even told me that the word abuse isn’t a “biblical term”
I have several of the books you have referenced and tried to take them to the counselor so he could ‘understand’ and basically got my hand slapped for thinking I knew a better way. The church sent us to this man and he had his way of doing things, if I wanted to honor the church, we needed to do it his way.
My husband has become more wise every time we see a counselor and they believe him and as I sit there trying to be validated, he makes me seem crazy and unbalanced.
They won’t talk to my kids because they think it’s a marriage issue. I keep trying to tell the counselor it is not, that my husband communicates this way to others too, our kids, neighbors, people on the phone. I don’t know what to do? Can you give me some words maybe to use with my counselor that might help me?
Answer: I am so sorry for your painful experience in counseling. First let me tell you that not all nouthetic counselors would handle your situation like this counselor has.
(For those who do not know what nouthetic counseling is, here is the definition from Wikipedia. Nouthetic Counseling is a form of Christian counseling developed by Jay E. Adams,[1] and published in his 1970 book, Competent to Counsel. It is well known within evangelical Christianity.[citation needed] Adams named his approach after the New Testament Greek word noutheteō (νουθετέω), which can be variously translated as "admonish", "correct", "exhort", or "instruct". Adams himself particularly emphasized the meaning "confront" in the development of his system.[2] The word NOUTHESIA is "the training by the word, whether of encouragement, or, if necessary, by reproof or remonstrance.)
The goal of a nouthetic counselor is to confront sin (in love) and bring the person to repentance so that their life reflects Christ’s truth. It seems that is what your counselor is attempting to do. However, it’s important to remember that just because someone is a Christian counselor (whatever type), doesn’t necessarily mean they are good at what they do, just like any other profession – from plumber to dentist, even if they are deeply committed to Biblical truth and principles.
I do not like to critique other counselors and prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt, but because I hear situations like yours almost weekly about all kinds of different counselors, I want to give you some specific things you can give to your counselor as well as things for you to think about.
I’m sure your counselor means well but he is focusing on the symptoms he sees and incorrectly diagnosing what the core problem is, therefore his treatment plan is “off”. Let me give you an example. When my mother became ill she went to the doctor. He diagnosed her symptoms as bronchitis and gave her antibiotics to help her. However the medicine didn’t work. When she went back to him several weeks later, still sick, he diagnosed her with asthma and added an inhaler as well as new antibiotics. But mom was still coughing, couldn’t breathe well and was getting worse.
One day when she could barely catch her breath she called 911 and she was whisked to the hospital via ambulance. She got a new doctor. She didn’t have bronchitis or asthma after all, she had lung cancer. Her first doctor meant well but his diagnosis was wrong and because of that, his treatment plan didn’t work either. Antibiotics are wonderful and work well for bronchitis, but they are impotent to tackle lung cancer.
In the same way, when a couple seeks counseling and there is a history and pattern of abusive behavior, one of the biggest mistakes counselors make is misdiagnosing the problem. If your diagnosis is off, you’re treatment plan isn’t going to work either.
I fear your counselor has diagnosed your marital problems simplistically as two sinners sinning against each other. James 3:2 says that we all stumble in many ways and women (or men) who are in abusive marriages are not without fault. Sin is surely involved and because you are both sinners it is extremely tempting to focus on the obvious sins we all have like losing one’s temper, lack of submission, lack of love and respect. These obvious sins, although real, always reflect deeper heart issues at work that often don’t get addressed.
The danger in doing marital counseling when there is ongoing abuse is that the recipient of the abuse doesn’t feel safe, often gets punished after the session for things he or she said or brought up, and usually gets blamed for the abusers behavior (by the abuser), such as, “if only she wouldn’t have done that, or said …….., I wouldn’t have gotten angry. Or, “if only she would do this or do that, I wouldn’t have acted that way.” It is very tempting what that happens in a session for the counselor to turn to the accused person and begin to work on things that she (or he) does to “provoke” the abuse.
And let me be clear about this, even if there is something she (or he) is doing to “provoke”, when that becomes the focus of attention in a marital counseling session, it only fuels the abusers blindness and excuse making and therefore marital counseling becomes ineffective and even dangerous.
Because no one is perfect, there is sin and hurt in every marriage, however, if there is ongoing abuse, or when one person in the marriage is willing to own their sinfulness but the other is not, or continues to blame his or her spouse and/or lie about it, marital counseling is not appropriate.
In addition, if you are telling your counselor that your children are being abused, he has an obligation to at least ask your children what’s going on, or report the accusations to the authorities.
To answer your question about resources, I’d encourage you to get my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong and read it for two reasons. First, NANC (National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) endorses it and your counselor may be more open to the content in it. Read through the introduction, especially pages 4 and 5 and then copy it for your counselor. Basically it says, when there is an abusive spouse, acting right may require speaking up boldly against the evil in the marital relationship. It may even involve exposing the deeds of darkness to others and allowing her spouse to experience the consequences of his sin in order to bring him to the possibility of repentance. Also chapter 9 in the same book gives more specifics when abuse is present.
Second, reading the book can help you to handle your husband’s abuse in a more godly way. What often happens after you begin to stand up for yourself and recognize how abused you’ve been, you get so angry you start to repay evil with more evil. However, it only makes things worse and the more you speak up and get angry in a sinfully destructive way, the more you look like the crazy one. I fear that’s what’s happening and that you are losing your ability to influence the situation for good because of your own unhealthy responses.
Please here me, I’m not blaming you – it’s very typical. Women especially get into a pattern peacekeeping, of putting up, putting up, putting up with all kinds of inappropriate and abusive behavior and then when she finally has enough she blows up. But she blows up in a way that makes her look like the unbalanced one. Then she backs down, tries harder to make it work and takes it and takes it and takes it until she blows up again.
If this is what’s happening to you, you need to get healthy enough to stand up for yourself in a strong, firm, yet godly way. My concern for you is that you haven’t gotten healthy enough to stand up for yourself even with this counselor. You’ve allowed him to minimized your feelings, bully you, intimidate you and disrespect what you have told him is true and yet you’re still counseling with him. I understand that your church referred you to him, but I think it’s time to speak up both to him and to your church about your experience with him.
When the Apostle Paul tells us to confront a sinner he says to do it gently and with a spirit of humility (Galatians 6:1). From what you describe, your counseling experience has been anything but that. A good nouthetic counselor believes that God calls them to confront sin, but there is a way to do it that doesn’t leave a person more battered and broken, but encouraged and motivated to want to do what God says is good and right.
I would be happy to consult with your counselor if he’d be open to it. He can call my toll free # at 1-877-837-7931. God Bless.
I love, love women’s retreats. It blesses me so much to see the lights go on and the tears begin to flow as God powerfully renews a mind, touches a heart, and restores a soul. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers. For although I’ve been physically exhausted, I am emotionally and spiritually refreshed and recharged.
This past weekend I spoke at a wonderful women’s retreat in Cleveland. Saturday night we played games, painted our nails, ate chocolate, drank cappuccino’s and learned line dancing. How fun is that? But my ankle started hurting so I had to stop (for those new to my blog, I twisted my ankle dancing at my 40th high school reunion several weeks ago).
Two more weekends on the road and then I get to stay home. I do so appreciate your prayers on my behalf. This coming weekend I’m doing a workshop for a group of Christian psychologists on The Emotionally Destructive Relationships at a CAPS (Christians and Psychological Studies) conference. Pray that they are open to learning the difference between regular marital counseling and dealing with abusive relationships. That brings me to this week’s question and I’m going to warn you up front it’s a long question and answer but I think a necessary one.
This week’s question: I’ve been married to an abusive man for 20 years and our marriage has had most forms of abuse except for sexual. We have been through many counselors in our marriage and are now currently in counseling with a nouthetic counselor.
I do not understand his counseling approach. First meeting was us in his office telling us we were both sinners, self-righteous, prideful, etc. He minimized the abuse of my children, he minimized mine because my husband hadn’t ‘physically” abused me in two years. He minimized the word abuse, told me I shouldn’t fear my husband etc. By the time I left the meeting I couldn’t quit crying because I felt so attacked and like he just fed my husband’s ego. I had gone to the church for help because of the ongoing other forms of abuse that included abuse of my children.
Our counseling sessions consisted of us making up a “sin list” to confess our sins to one another and also add to the other’s list of how we felt they wronged us. Yet in the midst of doing this, the verbal and emotional stuff was still going on. It was awful.
I tried to tell the counselor that my husband was being deceitful and all he said was that my husband said the same about me. I tried to tell him about the physical and verbal abuse of the kids yet again, the word got minimized. The church even told me that the word abuse isn’t a “biblical term”
I have several of the books you have referenced and tried to take them to the counselor so he could ‘understand’ and basically got my hand slapped for thinking I knew a better way. The church sent us to this man and he had his way of doing things, if I wanted to honor the church, we needed to do it his way.
My husband has become more wise every time we see a counselor and they believe him and as I sit there trying to be validated, he makes me seem crazy and unbalanced.
They won’t talk to my kids because they think it’s a marriage issue. I keep trying to tell the counselor it is not, that my husband communicates this way to others too, our kids, neighbors, people on the phone. I don’t know what to do? Can you give me some words maybe to use with my counselor that might help me?
Answer: I am so sorry for your painful experience in counseling. First let me tell you that not all nouthetic counselors would handle your situation like this counselor has.
(For those who do not know what nouthetic counseling is, here is the definition from Wikipedia. Nouthetic Counseling is a form of Christian counseling developed by Jay E. Adams,[1] and published in his 1970 book, Competent to Counsel. It is well known within evangelical Christianity.[citation needed] Adams named his approach after the New Testament Greek word noutheteō (νουθετέω), which can be variously translated as "admonish", "correct", "exhort", or "instruct". Adams himself particularly emphasized the meaning "confront" in the development of his system.[2] The word NOUTHESIA is "the training by the word, whether of encouragement, or, if necessary, by reproof or remonstrance.)
The goal of a nouthetic counselor is to confront sin (in love) and bring the person to repentance so that their life reflects Christ’s truth. It seems that is what your counselor is attempting to do. However, it’s important to remember that just because someone is a Christian counselor (whatever type), doesn’t necessarily mean they are good at what they do, just like any other profession – from plumber to dentist, even if they are deeply committed to Biblical truth and principles.
I do not like to critique other counselors and prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt, but because I hear situations like yours almost weekly about all kinds of different counselors, I want to give you some specific things you can give to your counselor as well as things for you to think about.
I’m sure your counselor means well but he is focusing on the symptoms he sees and incorrectly diagnosing what the core problem is, therefore his treatment plan is “off”. Let me give you an example. When my mother became ill she went to the doctor. He diagnosed her symptoms as bronchitis and gave her antibiotics to help her. However the medicine didn’t work. When she went back to him several weeks later, still sick, he diagnosed her with asthma and added an inhaler as well as new antibiotics. But mom was still coughing, couldn’t breathe well and was getting worse.
One day when she could barely catch her breath she called 911 and she was whisked to the hospital via ambulance. She got a new doctor. She didn’t have bronchitis or asthma after all, she had lung cancer. Her first doctor meant well but his diagnosis was wrong and because of that, his treatment plan didn’t work either. Antibiotics are wonderful and work well for bronchitis, but they are impotent to tackle lung cancer.
In the same way, when a couple seeks counseling and there is a history and pattern of abusive behavior, one of the biggest mistakes counselors make is misdiagnosing the problem. If your diagnosis is off, you’re treatment plan isn’t going to work either.
I fear your counselor has diagnosed your marital problems simplistically as two sinners sinning against each other. James 3:2 says that we all stumble in many ways and women (or men) who are in abusive marriages are not without fault. Sin is surely involved and because you are both sinners it is extremely tempting to focus on the obvious sins we all have like losing one’s temper, lack of submission, lack of love and respect. These obvious sins, although real, always reflect deeper heart issues at work that often don’t get addressed.
The danger in doing marital counseling when there is ongoing abuse is that the recipient of the abuse doesn’t feel safe, often gets punished after the session for things he or she said or brought up, and usually gets blamed for the abusers behavior (by the abuser), such as, “if only she wouldn’t have done that, or said …….., I wouldn’t have gotten angry. Or, “if only she would do this or do that, I wouldn’t have acted that way.” It is very tempting what that happens in a session for the counselor to turn to the accused person and begin to work on things that she (or he) does to “provoke” the abuse.
And let me be clear about this, even if there is something she (or he) is doing to “provoke”, when that becomes the focus of attention in a marital counseling session, it only fuels the abusers blindness and excuse making and therefore marital counseling becomes ineffective and even dangerous.
Because no one is perfect, there is sin and hurt in every marriage, however, if there is ongoing abuse, or when one person in the marriage is willing to own their sinfulness but the other is not, or continues to blame his or her spouse and/or lie about it, marital counseling is not appropriate.
In addition, if you are telling your counselor that your children are being abused, he has an obligation to at least ask your children what’s going on, or report the accusations to the authorities.
To answer your question about resources, I’d encourage you to get my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong and read it for two reasons. First, NANC (National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) endorses it and your counselor may be more open to the content in it. Read through the introduction, especially pages 4 and 5 and then copy it for your counselor. Basically it says, when there is an abusive spouse, acting right may require speaking up boldly against the evil in the marital relationship. It may even involve exposing the deeds of darkness to others and allowing her spouse to experience the consequences of his sin in order to bring him to the possibility of repentance. Also chapter 9 in the same book gives more specifics when abuse is present.
Second, reading the book can help you to handle your husband’s abuse in a more godly way. What often happens after you begin to stand up for yourself and recognize how abused you’ve been, you get so angry you start to repay evil with more evil. However, it only makes things worse and the more you speak up and get angry in a sinfully destructive way, the more you look like the crazy one. I fear that’s what’s happening and that you are losing your ability to influence the situation for good because of your own unhealthy responses.
Please here me, I’m not blaming you – it’s very typical. Women especially get into a pattern peacekeeping, of putting up, putting up, putting up with all kinds of inappropriate and abusive behavior and then when she finally has enough she blows up. But she blows up in a way that makes her look like the unbalanced one. Then she backs down, tries harder to make it work and takes it and takes it and takes it until she blows up again.
If this is what’s happening to you, you need to get healthy enough to stand up for yourself in a strong, firm, yet godly way. My concern for you is that you haven’t gotten healthy enough to stand up for yourself even with this counselor. You’ve allowed him to minimized your feelings, bully you, intimidate you and disrespect what you have told him is true and yet you’re still counseling with him. I understand that your church referred you to him, but I think it’s time to speak up both to him and to your church about your experience with him.
When the Apostle Paul tells us to confront a sinner he says to do it gently and with a spirit of humility (Galatians 6:1). From what you describe, your counseling experience has been anything but that. A good nouthetic counselor believes that God calls them to confront sin, but there is a way to do it that doesn’t leave a person more battered and broken, but encouraged and motivated to want to do what God says is good and right.
I would be happy to consult with your counselor if he’d be open to it. He can call my toll free # at 1-877-837-7931. God Bless.
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