See my Family Photos: Today's Topic Overfunctioning women and underfunctioning families

Good Afternoon Friends,

I hope it is a good day for you this post Christmas Monday. Sometimes it can feel a little blah after all the stress of getting ready for the big day. Take the time to simply enjoy a slower pace for a change. One of my Christmas gifts was some knitting needles (I asked for them). I’ve wanted to learn how to knit and my friend, Lois, offered to teach me. The problem is when will I find the time to knit? Perhaps by next Christmas I’ll have made myself a nice winter scarf.

I’m loving the time I get to spend with my new granddaughter, Amaya this week.The first photo above is of my daughter, Amanda, her husband and Amaya. The second one is of Amaya in her Christmas dress. She is so much fun. Christmas is very different when small children are present. I just love being a grandma!

Recently in my quiet times I’ve been asking the Lord what he wanted me to “do” next year. Today I heard him say, “Be peaceful, be quiet, stop rushing, be in my Presence, and wait on me.” This is NOT my typical “to do” list and by now, I usually have lots of concrete New Year’s Resolution written down. That’s how I know that it was Him speaking to me and not just my own thoughts. Confirming it, last week He led me to my personal application verse for 2011. It’s Psalm 116:9 NLT, “And so, I walk in the Lord’s Presence as I live here on earth.”

So friends, hold me accountable to daily walking in the Lord’s Presence and I’ll let you know how it’s going throughout this next year.

Please share with me a verse or text God has given to you to practice this New Year. I love to see how God speaks to each of us so specifically and personally for where our needs are right now!

Today’s Question: I’m angry, hurt and tired. It seems like I’m the only one doing all the preparations for making our holiday a nice one. If it weren’t for me, we’d have no tree, no presents, no cookies, and no Christmas dinner. But it’s not only the holiday’s that I feel this way. I feel like I carry the entire responsibility for everyone’s life to go well. Am I being selfish that I want someone to care about me and my needs once in a while? A burned out wife and mom

Answer: No you are not selfish for wanting someone to notice that you are a person and not just a machine that makes sure everything go well for the people in your life. That said I find many women in your exact predicament. You over-function which enables the other people in your life to under-function. That’s fine once in a while or when there is a specific crisis, but when that becomes “normal routine” for a family, marriage or even workplace, it can lead to disaster.

Let me explain. When you do all the preparations and carry all the responsibility, people begin to see you in that role and expect you will continue. The perks of over-functioning is that you get total control (which some people want and that’s why they do it all). However, most people get worn out over time and begin to feel resentful and unloved (which by your letter is happening now). If you start to balk or complain or get crabby, your family members look annoyed and wonder what is wrong with you? If you ask for help they either ignore you because they are used to you doing it all, or they give you such an attitude it’s just easier and more peaceful to do it all yourself.

When this happens in a marriage or family it’s important for you to realize that it not only hurts you to carry the entire load, it hurts them not to help you. You are not doing anyone any favors by allowing them to think you can do it all while they relax on the couch watching television, sit in front of the computer playing games, or do their own fun things. It only enables selfishness to flourish and for your resentment and bitterness to grow – a lose/ lose pattern.

So how do we change this pattern? It starts with you. You have to be willing to relinquish control of everything and how things are going to be. Next, speak up to whoever your change will affect. Begin this dialogue by taking entire responsibility for over-functioning (don’t blame your family) but you are no longer going to continue. Tell them that you are tired and starting to feel angry and resentful toward them and don’t want to have those negative feelings so YOU are going to change. You let go of control of how it’s going to be and then specifically spell out what you are no longer going to do. For example for the holidays next year you might say something like this:

"Hey guys, I need to apologize for being so crabby lately. I think the reason I get that way is that I feel like I have to do everything in order to make it a nice Christmas for you all. But then it’s not a very nice Christmas when I get upset and resentful is it? So next year I’d like to simplify the decorating – I’m going to get an artificial tree so it’s not a hassle going out and cutting one down and I’m not going to bake anymore. It’s just too much work and I don’t want to feel resentful that you guys don’t want to chip in to help. I’m realizing that perhaps my expectations were too high and those things just aren’t important to you so I’m going to let them go.”

Now, you HAVE to mean it if you say it. Here’s what will happen next. If those things are important to them and they do want a real tree or home baked cookies, then they can offer to take responsibility or help to make sure they happen next year. If they don’t, then you must LET THEM GO in order to demonstrate that you will not carry the entire load anymore. Until your husband or children experience the consequences when you stop over-functioning, they won’t begin to pick up the slack.

Here’s another example of a possible speak-up dialogue: “Honey, I’ve gotten burned out this Christmas with all the gift buying for everyone. Next year I’d like it if you took the responsibility for getting the gifts for your whole family. I don’t care what you get them but I don’t want to carry the entire load anymore. If you don’t want to do that, just let your family know that we won’t be exchanging gifts with them next year because I can’t do it all.”

Many of you reading this are seeing lots of other areas where you over-function and allow your family to neglect carrying their own load of caring for themselves and caring about you. Please understand that God doesn’t want you to sacrifice yourself in order to allow someone else to stay lazy or selfish.

The Bible says two things that at first glance appear to contradict one another but both are important. First, we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), and second, each person is to carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). Both teachings are true. We carry another’s burden when he or she is unable to carry his/her load alone. However, when we carry a load for someone who is perfectly capable of carrying it themselves, we enable that person to under-function and that hurts them. It allows them to stay lazy, dependent, selfish and self-absorbed. As C.S. Lewis so wisely wrote, “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

When was the last time you heard some really good news?

Good afternon dear ones,

When was the last time you got some really good news? I mean news that made your heart sing. Maybe it was some recent report from your doctor who told you, “Your tumor is benign or the cancer is gone.”

Perhaps the good news came from your boss. He said, “Our company has done well this year and there’s a nice Christmas bonus for everyone.”

Or maybe your adult child just blessed you with the news that you’re going to be a grandparent.

We feel happy when we hear good news. Remember how elated the world felt this past October as we breathlessly witnessed the rescue of the 23 Chilean miners?

We especially love hearing good news when we personally benefit. Imagine for a minute what emotions you would experience if you received a phone call today congratulating you that you were the new winner of Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes worth $10 Million dollars. Joy? Happiness? Gratitude? Excitement? But only if you believed the caller was telling you the truth.

Yes, good news feels wonderful. It’s supposed to. Then why for so many people does Christmas feel stressful, ho-hum and even blah?

This Saturday, Christians worldwide will celebrate the birth of Christ. But often the week leading up to it our mind and heart is on everything but Jesus. Most of us are not resting in the Presence because we’re too busy getting ready cooking, cleaning, and buying and wrapping presents.

For just a moment today, press pause with me and let’s recall the familiar Christmas story. The scriptures tell us that a special angel filled with the glory of God came to tell the shepherds the good news. The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I have something to tell you. I have good news, news so unbelievably amazing it will knock your socks (or sandals) off.”

“You don’t know him yet, but we know him. His name is Jesus and he is the very son of God. He is coming down to earth to be with you and show you what God is like. He has been born a baby, and He will save people from their brokenness, their sinfulness, their emptiness. This will bring you great joy.”

Jesus is here. Immanuel, God with us. Indeed, this is good news - but only if we believe it.

Christmas isn’t just about December 25th. Christmas is God’s good news, breaking into human history to set the captives free. It is good news for every day.

This week’s challenge is to remember the good news of the Gospel of Christ. Christmas isn’t about presents but about Presence - God with us. The more we are filled with Him, the more our heart is at peace, at rest, in love and filled with joy.

Have a happy holiday. My granddaughter just came last night and I’m going to enjoy her today!

How do I deal with my husband's alcohol abuse?

Good morning friends!

Well can you believe that in two short weeks Christmas 2010 will be history? It sort of snuck up on us this year didn’t it? At least that’s how it feels in my house. I’ve gotten the tree decorated but that’s about it. My granddaughter, Maya, is coming for a visit so I’m a little cautious about how much to decorate because she has taken her first steps. In another week or so she might be careening throughout Nana’s house exploring all kinds of stuff that could be harmful to her. So we’ll keep it simple and safe.

Thank you all for your prayers regarding last week’s webinar on Love Addiction, Co-Dependency and The Emotionally Destructive Relationship through The American Association of Christian Counselors. It went very well. We had over 200 participants, mostly from the US, but also from South Africa, Australia, Philippines, and Canada. It amazes me that people all over the world can receive excellent teaching on a variety of topics through the internet.

My December newsletter went out last week on Simplifying Family Traditions. If you missed it and want to read it, please sign up for my e-mail newsletter on my home page at www.leslievernick.com and we’ll send you a copy.

This week's question: I appreciate you urging us to take responsibility for our own behavior without excusing the wrong behavior of others. How do I deal with a spouse that makes partial attempts at improvement, and then lapses without confession or apology? The rest of the family is supposed to be okay no matter what. But we aren’t okay.

If I try to address the issue with him he justifies himself, lies, and calls himself worthless (it makes me feel guilty for bringing it up). He blames me or uses anger to make me shut up.

He is going to a good counselor with me, but sometimes it seems like he is trying to play along just enough to keep doing what he really want to do – drink. This is discouraging our children horribly and wearing me down too much.

We’re isolated in many ways. We don’t go to church regularly and do not have friends actively involved in our lives or supporting us in this. I have tried to go to Al-Anon and benefited greatly, but my husband sabotaged my attempts to attend by getting drunk, picking fights with me so I can’t leave the kids with him. I don’t have other people to watch the kids and we have a lot of kids.

We are all so needy, but I don’t know what to do. I am somewhat afraid of my husband’s reaction if I expose what is really happening in our home and ask for help beyond what I have already attempted. Extended family is not as supportive as I need them to be; they’re afraid of shame and want me to just be fine.

Answer: The situation you are in is messy and there are no easy or quick solutions, but you do need some support. The first step is being honest with yourself and that is exactly what you’re trying hard to do. You are not okay, nor are your children. You are all in a great deal of pain and the source of that pain as far as I can discern from your e-mail is your husband’s drinking. Probably more to the point, much of the pain comes from how he behaves when he’s drinking.

You mention that you’re not sure whether or not he’s manipulating you in the counseling in order to keep drinking. That makes me question whether or not his drinking is actually being addressed in your counseling sessions. If not, why not? Perhaps he’s using the promise of going to marital counseling to give you hope that things will improve, deceiving himself and you that somehow things can improve without having to face his drinking problem.

Please hear me. You cannot deal with marriage problems adequately while someone is regularly intoxicated. His drinking must become the primary focus of treatment. That being the case, your part is to expose the frequency and intensity of his drinking binges and what happens when he is drunk. You want to describe as specifically as possibly what he does or doesn’t do during these times that create fear, pain and suffering for you and the kids.

Please discuss how to do this privately with your counselor so that you might plan how best to confront him. You’ve already tried to do it privately and his response has been to lie, blame you, get angry and fall into self-hatred. When he does that you shut up, feel guilty, and back off from pressuring him. It’s pretty effective, but his tactics are destructive and manipulative.

It’s also important that you understand the risk you’ll take when you confront him again, this time in front of your counselor. He very well might refuse anymore counseling. If that happens, then what? Again, talking this over with your counselor ahead of time helps you be wise and as proactive as you can. Read all you can about doing an intervention with an alcoholic and work to implement as many steps as appropriate to your particular situation.

Finally, I want you to know that your husband might hate his drinking as much as you do and truly want to stop, but willpower is not enough to actually stop. The Bible calls it being a slave of sin (2 Peter 2:19). I don’t know your situation fully, but your husband may need more support, accountability and people pressure (in good ways) in order to actually take the necessary steps that will help him succeed. Do all you can to get involved in your local church as well as possibly Al-Anon or some other Twelve Step Group so that both of you will find some friends, accountability persons and spiritual mentors to help you walk through this difficult journey.

Don’t give up on yourself even if he won’t stop drinking. Do what you need to do to get healthy, strong, and whole and stay there. As you heal, you will be a positive influence on your children and help them make good choices as they grow up.

My husband left me because I was abusive. How can I get him to come home?

Good Morning to my Wonderful Blog Friends,

I’m getting ready to fly to Lynchburg, Virginia later on today to do a Tuesday evening webinar on Love Addiction, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and Co-Dependency with Greg Jansen Ph.D, for the American Association of Christian Counselors. If you’re interested in attending, you can go to aacc.net at look for the webinar sign up for December 7th. It starts at 6pm and goes until 9pm. You can also watch it at a later date if that night is not good for you.

There is such a great need in the area of relational abuse from a solidly Christ-centered Biblical perspective. I’m going to be offering some exciting new things next year. First, I’m currently writing discussion questions to go along with my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. They can be used in a small group, a support group, or a therapeutic group to help people recognize destructive patterns in their relationships and heal. I also hope to include short video segments that will compliment each chapter of the book so that the leader will have resources to facilitate the discussion.

In addition, I’m working to develop a Coach the Counselor training program for pastors, lay counselors as well as professional counselors to receive specific, hands on coaching help from me in dealing with their counseling cases on destructive relationships. It’s still in the beginning stages, but if you are interested, please let me know and I’ll give you information as soon as it’s ready.

My December newsletter will be sent out this week with a special sale for the weekend of December 10-13 for 25% off all my products. If you’d like a book signed to someone specific, please indicate that on your order form.

Today’s Question: I recently finished reading your book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. My husband left me because he was hurt from both of us verbally abusing each other and he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He said we brought out the worst in each other.

We don’t have any children but have been married for 4 years, dating for 9. It came as a bit of a shock to me that he would leave because of how I treated him. He didn’t give me any idea or warning on how angry and controlling I was acting. Since then I have gotten some counseling and have been reading your book. I realize that I was acting wrongly and am very sorry I hurt him. I know the only thing I can do is change me. I can’t make him come back.

I have asked God and him for forgiveness, but he’s not willing to work on anything. God doesn’t want divorce and I don’t want this either. I love him and want to be married to him for life. Why do you think he’s allowing the hurt to get in the way of our love, and not healing from it? I guess I am looking for guidance as to what I can do, say or show him that I wouldn’t want to go back to this destructive behavior either? I know that at this point he’s not willing to see past the hurt.

I have listened to Dr. James Dobson’s love must be tough series and he recommends a letter or e-mail releasing him so that you are giving up that control, almost like you don’t care, and he said it gets him questioning the relationship. Not sure on the timing of that letter.

I guess am still trying to heal his hurt. Is that something he has to find on his own?

Answer: I hear you struggling with trying to let go and yet still wanting to control your husband’s decision on how he handles his pain and whether or not to reconcile your relationship. It’s tough to wake up with a bucket of ice water thrown in your face but I commend you that in the process you didn’t just get angry and retaliate but you got some help. Through your reading and counseling you have realized that you have been destructive and cannot continue to have a good relationship with someone you love while verbally abusive and controlling him (or her).

I want to backtrack a bit. You said that you had no idea how angry or controlling you were. Does that mean that your boyfriend/husband never told you in 9 years that your words or actions bothered or hurt him? He never asked you to stop or change your behaviors but then suddenly packed a bag and left? If that’s the case, shame on him. But more likely he did try to tell you but you never heard him or took him seriously. His leaving finally got your attention.

Now that he’s gone you want him to work on healing so he will come back. I think that’s a normal desire but totally out of your control. A healthier goal is for you to work on you. You need to understand what fueled your anger and controlling behaviors and learn new ways of communicating your needs and handling your negative emotions. These new skills are not gained simply through reading and/or counseling but only when you daily practice managing your negative emotions when you don’t get your way or things aren’t in your control.

This separation is your season to learn a new way of thinking and emotional skill set and trust me, it can only be learned with lots of time and lots of practice. Therefore, I encourage you not to rush into having him move back home or most likely you will return to the same set of destructive behaviors that you’ve always used when you get upset. Not because you want to but because they’re easiest, because they’re all you know, because they’re a habit, because you haven’t learned any other way.

What else can you do? You can pray. You can ask God to show your husband why he was so passive and unwilling to deal with confrontation at the expense of his mental health and your relationship’s wellbeing. You can ask God to bring wise and godly people into both of your lives so that you will mature and become better through this experience.

In addition, you can ask your husband for the gift of time so that he will not make any final decisions on the marriage for a year so that will allow you to demonstrate the fruits of repentance through your changed behaviors and attitudes. And you can practice being aware and awake to your own emotional temperature and how you handle things when they feel out of control so that you can stop yourself from reacting out of your own ways and continue to practice your new ways (Ephesians 4).

These are the things that you can do that will help you have the best chance at a true reconciliation of your marriage.