Topic: My adult daughters verbally abuse me. How can I get them to stop?

Hello friends,

Thank you so much for your prayers for my week away and the speaking event this past weekend at Cowgirls of Faith in Texas. It was a great time of fellowship and ministry and I felt your prayers throughout my speaking times. God is good. Here is a picture of the wonderful music that blessed the event as well as me with Michelle Carson, the coordinator of the entire weekend.

I am so blessed to have the wonderful privilege of sharing some of the things he is teaching me to a wider audience. This week is a heavy writing week. I have several projects due next Monday and I need to have good flow to finish my obligations. Please pray that I receive that special Holy Spirit anointing.

Today’s Question: What can I do about grown children 33 and 36, who get mad at me and are verbally abusive toward me? I’ve always been there for them. I have helped them move numerous times. I’ve listened when they were down. I babysit their children all of the time. When they had no food in the house, I brought them necessities. I took care of them after surgery.

When one of them divorced, I made a point of inviting her out to dinner so she could get out. Not that it matters, but we are upper middle class. We do not curse; we did not physically or verbally abuse our kids. They just lash out verbally if and when they get mad, mainly at me.

I have a neurological disease that affects my eyesight and speaking voice and ability to get my breath as well as a minor heart condition. These two children I’m talking about are my youngest daughters. We also have an older son and daughter. We have no problems with our son and our older daughter went through a “blaming” period in her life, but has matured and knows that her life is the result of decisions she has made.

What can I do about these two girls that cut my heart out with their words?

Answer: It is so painful to see our adult children sin, especially when it is against us, their parents, who would give our very lives for these children. Sadly there is nothing you can do to change your girls. But, there ARE some things that you can do about how they are treating you that may begin to influence and invite your girls to change themselves. You do not HAVE to let yourself be abused.

When we are a repeated victim of mistreatment by someone we’re in relationship with, we must stop and ask ourselves what is our part? Please don’t misunderstand me. Taking a hard look at your part does not mean you are at fault for the mistreatment. But you must ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to continuously be mistreated and verbally abused by your own children without protest or consequence?

My guess is that you fear that if you put your foot down and say “I’ve had enough of this!” you fear losing your relationship with your daughters. It’s true that they may respond poorly and not call you for a while because you’ve stopped putting up with their abuse. But my guess is that over time they will come to their senses and realize that you love them and they were wrong for the way they have treated you.

But if that doesn’t happen, let me ask you what kind of relationship do you really have with them? It’s time to gather up your courage and put your foot down with your daughters. The next time one of them goes off on you and is abusive, I want you to say this:

“I’ve decided I can no longer allow myself to be treated this way. I’d be happy to discuss what you’re angry about with me, but I will not allow myself to be yelled at, cursed at, or abused (or whatever specifically they are doing in that moment).”

Then stop and wait to see how they respond. If they mock you or continue the verbal tirade, simply say, “ I guess you didn’t understand. I’m not going to allow myself to be treated this way. I’m going to hang up now.” And then do it!

That shift in your behavior will shock them. They probably will call back, ream you out if you answer, if you don’t, they will do it on the answering machine. Don’t call them back, don’t engage, don’t argue with them or get into a verbal war over this simple request for them to communicate with you in a respectful way, even when they’re angry.

I want you to sound like a broken record, saying the same few phrases over and over and over again, “I will not allow myself to be treated this way any longer. If you’re upset with me and want to talk with me, you’ll have to do it without (screaming, cursing) at me.” Be specific here as to what the specific abuse is.

If they refuse to comply, hang up. Your part is to keep repeating these same phrases again and again and again until they get it. They don’t receive the privilege of your attention or your company when they are abusive toward you. If they stop their behaviors, you are all ears and willing to engage.

Sound like a plan? Try it and let us know how it goes. Don’t give up or get discouraged if they don’t respond positively right away. Stick with it. Change doesn’t happen overnight and your daughters are in some bad habits that they probably aren’t even conscious of. But as you set your boundaries and firm your resolve not to be abused any longer, I believe that your daughters will begin to be more self-controlled and learn to express their anger or hurt in a much more constructive way. That is a win-win for everyone in the family.

Welcoming Prayer

Blessed Sunday dear friends:

Present to the Presence

And so, we have come to know and rely on the love that God has for us. 1 John 4:16

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your heart.” 1 John 5:21

I’ve been sharing with you my adventure to be more and more attentive to the Presence of God in my life this year. It’s not that God is more present than he was last year, but I’m being intentional about becoming more aware that he is there.
How do we pay more attention?

First, we have to want it. Every day there are many things that scream for our attention. What we prioritize in our mind doesn’t always get the most attention. The apostle John warns us to stay away from things that might take God’s place in our heart. In my life I find the things that most often distract me from God aren’t bad things. Usually they’re good things, important things, but when I get caught up in, or rely on those things instead of God, I am bowing to a false god instead of relying on Jesus.

How do we know we’ve been serving another master? Pay attention to the tension in your body as well as your negative emotions. These can be the first warning signs that you need to reorient yourself. Perhaps you feel tense when looking at your bank balance or find yourself clenching your jaw when your spouse says hurtful words. You feel irritated with the pokey driver or hurt because you didn’t get invited to the party at a friend’s home.

False gods come in many forms but tend to group themselves around the idols of security/comfort; approval/affection and power/control. Ask yourself what are the things that take God’s place in your heart? Jesus says when he becomes the center of our heart, we experience perfect love and have nothing to fear.

I promised you last week I would share with you one thing I have been practicing to experience more of God’s loving presence and it’s called Welcoming Prayer.

I use it when I feel stressed out with life, notice my body tensing, or feel negative emotions. Remember, these things usually happen because our security has been shaken, or we’re not getting the approval or affection we crave, or we have no control over a particular situation or power to change another person.

Here is the prayer.

1. Focus on the feeling in your body, becoming aware is the first step. Sink into it (tension in your chest or belly, clenched jaw, shaking hands, etc). Do a body scan and see what feels tense or upset.

This step is counterintuitive because we often ignore our bodily sensations, minimize them or reject them all together. We see them as nuisances or enemies and try to fight them off. In this prayer do the opposite. Accept what's happening in your body and give it your attention.

2. Welcome the feeling or sensation. Our intention here is to acknowledge where we are at this moment and then welcome and consent to the Presence and action of the Holy Spirit. We want to embrace what is happening to us at this present moment (as it exposes our idolatry) instead of fighting it or trying to ignore it.

3. Reorient yourself. You are now ready to let go and you can do so by praying to God, “Lord, I let go of my desire for security and comfort right now. I let go of my desire for approval and affection, power and control. I let go of my desire to change this feeling or this situation. Right now I will be in this moment with you Lord.

I have found it very helpful as an “in the moment” means of being aware and consciously moving toward God in a more surrendered and yielded way. Practicing this prayer has also helped me identify which idols are getting stirred and recognize that my well-being is depending on something “other” than God.

How do I know this? The body doesn’t lie. We know something is “off” when we get distressed in body and spirit. Even when our mind cannot acknowledge something, (anger for example) our body language is saying something very different.

Being attentive to body tension is a faster way to resting in God then trying to mentally figure it all out. In this step we are submitting ourselves and surrendering ourselves in a conscious way to the Lordship of Christ in our body/heart.

Please don’t think that this prayer means we never take any action. But it is only when we recognize what is truly happening and give it to God, will we have His wisdom to know what the proper action is. Otherwise all we do is RE-action and usually it causes more problems.

Try it and let me know what you think.

I’ll post some pictures next week of my Cowgirls of Faith Conference.

Topic: Is is it OK for an parent of an adult to step into their problem?

Happy Tuesday sweet friends,

Monday got away from me. It’s actually late Monday night when I’m starting to write this blog. I want to tell you, I love, love LOVE living in the reality of the Lord’s Presence. It has made all the difference in my mood as well as how I handle the day’s interruptions. I’ll tell you about something I’ve been doing for a while called Welcoming Prayer next week. I’ll post on Sunday as I’m headed to Houston on Saturday for my annual girlfriends gathering. I do this once a year where friends who do what I do (speak and write) gather together for friendship, encouragement, exercise and pressing into God. I won’t have internet connection Monday through Friday.

I speak in Dallas that following Friday night and Saturday at the Cowgirls of Faith Conference (January 21 and 22). I’d appreciate your prayers.

This week’s question: My married daughter is in an emotionally draining relationship. She will be married 2 years this May. Her husband will not go to counseling even though they have met with their pastor and his wife and nothing has changed in the marriage. He is an elder in the church and leads a youth bible study about once a month. He still wants to hang out with his friends, more than he should as a married man, takes a biblical class and works part-time. She works full-time, takes on-line classes for her degree and basically does 80% of the housework. They are now having money issues, etc.

When as a parent can I step in and either talk to him, one-on-one or call his parents so they are aware of what is going on? He is a perfectionist and has difficulty making any decision, no matter how small for fear of it being the wrong decision.

Answer: My personal opinion is that I think your ability to take charge of this situation is zero. As the observer and parent adult children, your role is to pray for their maturity, to ask God to give them an awareness of what they need to work on and let God do what He is going to do.

If your daughter is unhappy in her marriage or the imbalance of work/play responsibilities, it is not for you to speak up on her behalf, but for her to gain the strength and courage to speak up for herself and/or set the appropriate boundaries.

If her husband has trouble making decisions because of his idolatry of perfectionism his parents cannot fix that for him. Only he can address and/or repent of these issues.

Believe me. I know how hard it is to let go and let our children be adults and make their own choices – right or wrong. But what real control do we have? Of course we can try to manipulate, force them to feel guilty and try to control them but does that ever lead to significant heart change or does that just further alienate us from them and maybe from our Lord?

If your daughter is complaining to you and that’s how you know all of these things, I think the wisest thing you could do is to say to her, “Honey, it must be really hard. I’ll pray that you have the wisdom to know how to handle this situation in a godly way.” Or, you could say, “Perhaps you need to tell him (her husband) that you don’t like that, or that is not acceptable to you.” In other words, you can influence your adult children IF you have a good relationship with them, but ultimately change is up to them and God.

Let go of your desire to control this marriage and get on your knees. That is the best thing you can do right now to help them.

Another picture: Topic: My husband doesn't get that his actions are hurting our relationship. What do I do?

Hi Sweet Friends,

Happy New Year. I hope you had a wonderful holiday. I did but as always, I ate too much and now find myself 4 pounds heavier then I was at Thanksgiving and I’m not happy! I’m back to no bread or pasta so I can get those pounds off before it becomes worse.

I couldn’t resist posting one more photo of my granddaughter. We are at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia, where we went to see the Cleopatra exhibit. They got back home to California on Friday and Sunday we got a video of Amaya walking all by herself from one end of her living room to the other.

As I’ve told you, I’m trying to consciously live in the Lord’s presence this year in a much more intentional way. Each day I look forward to our time together where He meets me with special things he wants to tell me or show me. For example, this week I read in Psalm 89:14, “Unfailing love and truth walk before you as attendants.” Imagine that with me. What would your day be like if you knew, without a doubt, that unfailing love was at your right side and truth along your left? What would you have to be afraid of? What could possibly rob you of your joy?

Jesus tells all of us that there are two kingdoms operating, not only in our culture, but also in our own heart. One is the kingdom of love and peace, the other of power (control) and fear. Honestly, my default mode is always control and fear. But I want to live (internally) in the kingdom of love and peace and one way I am learning to do that is to remember that unfailing love and truth walk before me as attendants. Remember Jesus’ words, the kingdom of God is within (Luke 17:23). Join me, in practicing his presence and let’s share our journey together.

This week’s question: I so enjoyed your book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, I want to read it over again and pray and meditate on some of the truths you wrote. However, in reading the book and praying I’ve been a little confused. I’ve also been doing a bible study on the Wife of Noble Character. I am learning how to handle myself when my husband is sarcastic or short tempered: but where I have found it difficult is if he says something to me that is really hurtful and mean, or when I catch him in a lie.

For example, he was out of town when his cell phone accidently dialed home and when I asked him where he was, he told me he was in his hotel room when he was really with his coworkers at a bar. He apologized later but I fear it can’t be the first time he has lied. Also when I forgive him for instances like these, and even bigger things like when he’s been verbally abusive towards me, it’s hard to be intimate and I really don’t know how to respond.

My question is what would natural consequences be for lying and being verbally abusive towards me? How do I respond besides saying, “You will not talk with me that way” or “I deserve to be told the truth and it’s important for me to trust you.”
He’s a good father and good man in so many ways, but it’s times like these I just don’t know what to do.

Answer: You are on the right track by attending to your relationship with God and to your own responses rather than trying to change your husband. But one of the things that you identify that is greatly impacted by your husband’s behavior is your ability to trust him and your desire to be intimate. Honey, those ARE the natural consequences for what is happening in your relationship.

It still surprises me that people fail to understand a simple Biblical concept. The apostle Paul says “what we sow, we reap.” (Galatians 6:7). In other words, your husband cannot lie to you and verbally abuse you, and continue to expect that your marriage will thrive, feel close, warm and intimate. That’s like me stomping on my flower garden and still expecting flowers to grow or showing up late for work and still expecting my boss will give me a promotion and raise.

It doesn’t happen that way. Your husband might be a great guy 75% of the time, but what about the other 25%? What’s that negative time doing to the stability and health of your marriage and family life? If I stomp on some of my plants only one time, they’re finished blooming. That’s it.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say. No marriage has 100% great times. There is no perfect husband or wife and so there is sin and suffering in every marriage. But how those difficult times are dealt with and repaired makes all the difference in the health and well-being of the marital relationship. It sounds like you’re trying hard to do your part to not overreact, return evil for evil, or treat your husband disrespectfully just because he treats you that way.

However, if he continues to lie and/or verbally abuse you, his actions are just as destructive to the health of your marriage as swinging an axe into your bedroom walls would be to your physical home. Acting that way causes damage and it takes time to repair it. The more often it happens the harder it is to keep fixing it.

So your next step is to have an honest talk with him about what’s going on. Perhaps he isn’t connecting the dots but for the welfare of your marriage and yourself, you must now connect them for him. I love the Hebrew word ezer in the scriptures that traditionally has been translated for women as “helpmeet”. Helpmeet is not the best translation of ezer because it doesn’t convey the true strength of the role given to women. Carolyn Custis James, in her insightful book, Lost Women of the Bible writes, “The ezer is a warrior, and this has far reaching implications for women, not only in marriage, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life.” She says, “Eve and all her daughters are ezers – strong warriors who stand alongside their brothers in the battle for God’s kingdom.”

I want you to gear up for battle through prayer. You are an ezer for your husband and your family. Paul tells us God gives us power to demolish strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4). Next you are going to prepare your heart to have a hard (not harsh) talk with your husband about what’s going on and the consequences to your marriage when he chooses to lie and verbally abuse you. Jesus says we prepare for these kinds of hard talks by taking the log out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3). So deal with your anger, face your fear, see if there is any resentment or bitterness or whatever sin that is in you that Satan could use to confuse you and twist things around.

Next, as you’ve done this preparation, you’ll have a humble and gentle heart which is the one most likely to be heard. Humility doesn’t mean weak, nor is it passive. Remember, you are an ezer and that means you are a strong warrior woman who is fighting for the integrity of her marriage and well-being of her husband. Plan your conversation so that your word choice reflects how his behaviors are hurting you, hurting the marriage, and hurting your ability to be intimate as well as trust him. For example you might say something like this:

“I love you. I want more than anything else to have a strong loving marriage and a great family life with you for as long as I live. However, I know you’ve noticed that I’m having trouble being intimate with you lately and I don’t trust you. None of us is perfect and I don't expect you to be perfect but I am asking you for the welfare of our relationship, to tell me the truth, even when you don’t think I’ll like it. I also need you to respect me, even when you’re angry. (be specific here with what he does that feels like abuse to you – whether that is name calling, cursing at you, etc).

“Lying to me and calling me names when you’re angry is not acceptable to me, even occasionally and I won’t continue to allow myself to be treated that way. I need you to know that if you choose to to act that way, it will negatively impact our marriage even more than it has already. I don’t want that to happen and that’s why I’m talking with you now. I want us to heal and thrive and be close, but it’s important that you understand something about me. I will never feel close to you if I can’t trust you or if I feel afraid of (or disrespected by) you. It’s just not possible for me.”

Then stop talking and wait for his response. If he agrees that he needs to change, then ask him what can you do to respectfully remind him of this new commitment when you fear he’s lying again or he begins to talk disrespectfully to you (because no one changes overnight). This will be a good indicator of his desire to stop these destructive behaviors. When we’re truly repentant, we’re willing to be accountable for making the changes we say we will make.

Start there and see how it goes. If things deteriorate, I’d encourage you to get my other book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. In it you will find specific resources and next steps.