Good evening friends,
I’d appreciate your prayers as I had out to Illinois this weekend to speak for the East Lynn Women’s Retreat on Saturday. I will stop by my family’s home in Chicago for Sunday and Monday and I’m looking forward to visiting with my mom who had surgery last Friday. Please pray for her if you think of it. Her name is Alice and she’s battling a staph infection.
Today’s Question:A year ago I finally escaped an emotionally abusive relationship with a young man who proceeded to stalk me for 8 months after I told him to get lost. I was never dating him or even interested. He was merely needy and I was kind. As soon as I realized what he wanted (a codependent girl), I told him “absolutely not.”
Out of anger, he attempted to blackmail, emotionally abuse, and stalk me for 8 months. I am e-mailing you because although this was a long time ago and have tried to work through the pain and fear with God and two different counselors, the pain has never gone away and the fear is something I carry into every relationship.
I want to be free, but sometimes all I see is this: the older adults who didn’t believe that this was happening and didn’t raise a finger, my roommate (who let him into my house), and my Christian community who gossiped, hated, or remained aloof instead of helping. Often my emotional energy is exhausted from trying to take care of myself and trying to be a healthy, firm woman. I am 26 years old. I don’t know if you can help me. The last counselor I went to told me that this happened because I was sinful. I AM sinful. But this runs in another vein as well I think. Can you give me any steps to become healthy again?
Answer: I am so sorry that your counseling experience wasn’t more helpful and that one of your counselors even told you it this happened to you because of your own sin. It reminds me of one of Job’s friends. Job didn’t find that kind of advice helpful either.
Let me ask you to think about a few things that might provide a roadmap toward your continued healing.
Believe me, there is a time for breaking down and needing support and comfort for what happened to you. You wrote that this happened a year ago and he stalked you for eight months. That isn’t that much time that has passed from this kind of trauma. So help me understand what makes you feel stuck?
Ask yourself what would be different about you right now if you were healed and functioning like a healthy 26 year old? You say that’s what you’re trying to do but what does that look like to you?
The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote, “there is a time to break down” but he added that there is “a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together (Ecclesiastes 3:3-5).
Sometimes people find that the worst of times also become the seed bed of the best of times. Although for each person it may take a different amount of time, somewhere in our past problems and even current suffering we need to rise out of the rubble in order to not only cope with what has happened to us, but learn to thrive again.
This is where you start to have a say in what kind of story you are writing about your life. We don’t always understand that we play a very significant role in our own healing process. We can’t always control what happens to us (as you have experienced first hand), but if we want to mature and become healthy people, we must decide what we do with what happen to us. This is the most important part of our story. How you choose to respond to this adversity not only reveals your character, it will shape it.
Let me give you a few things to try which are taken from chapter 10 in my book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy
Look for the Meaning or Purpose: While changed up in prison, the apostle Paul wrote of a very difficult experience and said that it served to advance the gospel (Philippians 1:12-13). Paul felt real pain and suffering, but his pain was put in perspective by understanding some of God’s purposes in it.
I want you to write about what happened to you for 15 minutes for four consecutive days. But don’t just vent. As you write, look to make sense of the causes and consequences of what happened. Every day dig a little deeper to extract the diamonds from the rubble. Write a new ending to an old story or close a chapter on an open wound. Let yourself see it in a new way.
Look for the Benefits: When going through a tough time, two questions we can ask ourselves that can help us endure are:
1. What strengths have I discovered in myself, or have the opportunity to develop?
2. What lessons have I learned?
Write about these things. Realize that your experience wasn’t wasted. You will be a stronger person not in spite of, but because of what happened to you. The apostle Paul reminds us that “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4).
Look for the Good: Although what happened to you was bad, if you look hard enough you might be able to find some elements of good to it. A woman who had recently lost her son in a tragic accident told me, “I’m thankful he didn’t suffer. I’m thankful he died doing something he loved. I’m grateful for so many friends who are helping me through this time of loss.” Although this woman suffered the loss of her only child, looking for the good helped her move through it in a better way then if she only looked at all the negative things.
Much of how we feel about life comes from the way we look at it. Consider this poem by Frederick Langbridge:
Two men look out the same prison bars.
One sees mud, and the other stars.
Both men were in prison, mud and stars were equally present, but I think the man who focused on the stars felt happier than the man who only saw mud. You may feel like your life is a prison and that you have a life sentence. There is no erasing your circumstances or what happened to you but how respond to them and see them now will impact your levels of well-being, not only emotionally, but mentally, spiritually, relationally, and physically.
I want you to understand that there are two types of suffering, necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering. Necessary suffering is important. It helps us grieve our losses and deal with our pain. It is used by God to teach us what’s important and to help us grow up and let go of foolish things. Necessary suffering helps us find God and our true selves instead of losing our way through life with temporal delights and deceptive thinking. Necessary suffering is part of living in a sinful and broken world. Things are not as they should be.
Unnecessary suffering is our poor response to necessary suffering. It rises out of our unrealistic expectations, the lies we believe, our bad habits, and our negative emotions such as self-pity, envy, greed, jealousy, resentment, unforgiveness, pride, and shame.
Don’t short circuit the necessary suffering you’re experiencing through this event. But be mindful that it’s a very short walk into unnecessary suffering because we can’t let go, see the good, control negative thoughts or emotions or forgive the people who hurt us.
Try these steps and let me know how you’re doing. Let me know. I care about you.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Topic: Are you an enabler? How do you know?
Happy late Monday evening sweet blog friends,
This weekend and today was a whirl of writing, writing, writing. I’ve had a couple of deadlines looming and I’m chipping away at them little by little. Most of it has been a more formal writing style (APA format) which I’m not used to so it takes me so much longer to write. I don’t’ like writing that way but the topics were important, two were domestic violence and emotional abuse, plus a few others so I pushed myself to do it. They’re going to be a part of a Christian counselors encyclopedia on hundreds of topics relevant for church leaders, pastors, and counselors. So they had to be short, direct, and hopefully helpful.
Sometimes we just have to just push ourselves out of sheer obedience, even when everything in us would rather not. Sometimes it’s in doing a chore, other times it’s in loving someone who has hurt us, or it might even be following hard after God.
In my Sunday school class this week (we’re studying Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love) we were asked the question, “What am I doing right now that requires me to trust God?” I thought of my writing and certain other areas in my life where I have absolutely no control. I will either despair or trust God. I push myself to trust. I don’t want to fall into that pit of despair.
I have a few newsy items before we get into this week’s blog question. If you want to subscribe to my blog you can click a little button over on the left hand column where all the information is. That way it will automatically come to your mailbox each week (Someone asked me how to subscribe).
Second, I’m going to be doing a free teleconference on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship on Monday evening, March 14th at 9pm ET. You can register by e-mailing me at leslie@leslievernick.com and I will send you the phone number and additional details.
Third, I will be the keynote speaker at the Power of Women event at Cedar Crest College on March 8th. It’s a Tuesday, it’s a totally secular event, and there is a cost to attend, but would love to see you there. For more details you can go to www. powerofwomen.net/events/ to check it out.
Last, good news. I was speaking at Ada Bible Church this past week in Grand Rapids on Depression Proofing Your Life and they videotaped it and it is on their website and you can watch it free for the next 30 days. If you’re struggling with the winter blues, or have battled depressed moods or clinical depression, you will want to watch. Go to www.adabible.org/media_player/?id=395
Today’s Question: I would like to have you explain what “enabling” the emotionally abusive person means? The balance of walking the Christian walk, submitting to my husband but not enabling is a very difficult line to draw. I don’t feel I enable, and my husband is not physically or verbally abusive, but he is emotionally abusive, without knowing it, even though I have tried to raise his awareness of it. The Christians I confide in say that I am an enabler, but I do not like that term…and I don’t feel I am. Can you clarify?
Answer: It’s difficult to hear people tell us something about ourselves we don’t believe is true. And, you’re right sometimes it is a fine line. It might be helpful for you to ask them what they see in you that makes them think you enable your husband’s emotional abuse. But let me ask you to look for a few red flags that might indicate enabling behavior.
1. Do you ever lie, cover up, or make excuses for your husband’s emotionally abusive behaviors? You might have a very good reason like you don’t want to embarrass him or disrespect him by calling it what it is, but right now, just be honest with yourself.
Sometimes we think that this is our duty or responsibility as a submissive wife or godly person to cover up sin, but I don’t believe God wants us to exchange the truth for a lie or call evil good. We can speak the truth with a gentle spirit and in love (with their best interests in mind). The apostle Paul says that we are to having nothing to do with the unfruitful deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11. When abuse remains hidden and secret, it flourishes.
2. Do you do regularly change your behaviors, stuff your feelings, or guard what you say just to keep peace, prevent an argument or make him happy?
Again in any marriage there is a fair amount of give and take and at certain times for good reasons we might do any of the above. But when we are the one who is doing most of the accommodating or significantly changing who we are or stuffing how we feel then the relationship is unhealthy.
For example, perhaps your husband is insecure and jealous. For those reasons he does not want you to work, or go to bible study, or even go to the mall without him. To accommodate such controlling demands actually enables his insecurity and jealousy to flourish, not to change and heal. That’s where the fine line between submission and enabling starts to blur. Do you submit to your husband’s demands to stay home all the time or it actually better and healthier for you, for him, and for your marriage to challenge them?
3. Are you doing things for your husband that he should be doing for himself?
Again in marriage there are times spouses do extra and do favors for one another. But when you are the one doing the most of the work and your spouse is not sharing those responsibilities, you are enabling him to be selfish, lazy, and indifferent.
4. Are you taking the responsibility or blame for things that you are not responsible for. For example, when your husband loses his temper and says “if only you were more organized, or more submissive, or cooked better, or didn’t upset him” do you enable him to blame shift and make you responsible for his bad behaviors?
Now in each of these areas you cannot change your husband. You may be doing all you can to be healthy and he still may be abusive. You can’t make him help you, or take responsibility for his own emotional outbursts, or be more secure and less threatened. I don’t know your particular story or what your spouse is doing that you feel is emotionally abusive, but see if you play a part in enabling his behaviors to flourish and grow without protest or consequence. Then you'll have a good idea on what you can work on.
Readers: How have you learned to walk the fine line between enabling and being a godly and submissive wife?
This weekend and today was a whirl of writing, writing, writing. I’ve had a couple of deadlines looming and I’m chipping away at them little by little. Most of it has been a more formal writing style (APA format) which I’m not used to so it takes me so much longer to write. I don’t’ like writing that way but the topics were important, two were domestic violence and emotional abuse, plus a few others so I pushed myself to do it. They’re going to be a part of a Christian counselors encyclopedia on hundreds of topics relevant for church leaders, pastors, and counselors. So they had to be short, direct, and hopefully helpful.
Sometimes we just have to just push ourselves out of sheer obedience, even when everything in us would rather not. Sometimes it’s in doing a chore, other times it’s in loving someone who has hurt us, or it might even be following hard after God.
In my Sunday school class this week (we’re studying Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love) we were asked the question, “What am I doing right now that requires me to trust God?” I thought of my writing and certain other areas in my life where I have absolutely no control. I will either despair or trust God. I push myself to trust. I don’t want to fall into that pit of despair.
I have a few newsy items before we get into this week’s blog question. If you want to subscribe to my blog you can click a little button over on the left hand column where all the information is. That way it will automatically come to your mailbox each week (Someone asked me how to subscribe).
Second, I’m going to be doing a free teleconference on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship on Monday evening, March 14th at 9pm ET. You can register by e-mailing me at leslie@leslievernick.com and I will send you the phone number and additional details.
Third, I will be the keynote speaker at the Power of Women event at Cedar Crest College on March 8th. It’s a Tuesday, it’s a totally secular event, and there is a cost to attend, but would love to see you there. For more details you can go to www. powerofwomen.net/events/ to check it out.
Last, good news. I was speaking at Ada Bible Church this past week in Grand Rapids on Depression Proofing Your Life and they videotaped it and it is on their website and you can watch it free for the next 30 days. If you’re struggling with the winter blues, or have battled depressed moods or clinical depression, you will want to watch. Go to www.adabible.org/media_player/?id=395
Today’s Question: I would like to have you explain what “enabling” the emotionally abusive person means? The balance of walking the Christian walk, submitting to my husband but not enabling is a very difficult line to draw. I don’t feel I enable, and my husband is not physically or verbally abusive, but he is emotionally abusive, without knowing it, even though I have tried to raise his awareness of it. The Christians I confide in say that I am an enabler, but I do not like that term…and I don’t feel I am. Can you clarify?
Answer: It’s difficult to hear people tell us something about ourselves we don’t believe is true. And, you’re right sometimes it is a fine line. It might be helpful for you to ask them what they see in you that makes them think you enable your husband’s emotional abuse. But let me ask you to look for a few red flags that might indicate enabling behavior.
1. Do you ever lie, cover up, or make excuses for your husband’s emotionally abusive behaviors? You might have a very good reason like you don’t want to embarrass him or disrespect him by calling it what it is, but right now, just be honest with yourself.
Sometimes we think that this is our duty or responsibility as a submissive wife or godly person to cover up sin, but I don’t believe God wants us to exchange the truth for a lie or call evil good. We can speak the truth with a gentle spirit and in love (with their best interests in mind). The apostle Paul says that we are to having nothing to do with the unfruitful deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11. When abuse remains hidden and secret, it flourishes.
2. Do you do regularly change your behaviors, stuff your feelings, or guard what you say just to keep peace, prevent an argument or make him happy?
Again in any marriage there is a fair amount of give and take and at certain times for good reasons we might do any of the above. But when we are the one who is doing most of the accommodating or significantly changing who we are or stuffing how we feel then the relationship is unhealthy.
For example, perhaps your husband is insecure and jealous. For those reasons he does not want you to work, or go to bible study, or even go to the mall without him. To accommodate such controlling demands actually enables his insecurity and jealousy to flourish, not to change and heal. That’s where the fine line between submission and enabling starts to blur. Do you submit to your husband’s demands to stay home all the time or it actually better and healthier for you, for him, and for your marriage to challenge them?
3. Are you doing things for your husband that he should be doing for himself?
Again in marriage there are times spouses do extra and do favors for one another. But when you are the one doing the most of the work and your spouse is not sharing those responsibilities, you are enabling him to be selfish, lazy, and indifferent.
4. Are you taking the responsibility or blame for things that you are not responsible for. For example, when your husband loses his temper and says “if only you were more organized, or more submissive, or cooked better, or didn’t upset him” do you enable him to blame shift and make you responsible for his bad behaviors?
Now in each of these areas you cannot change your husband. You may be doing all you can to be healthy and he still may be abusive. You can’t make him help you, or take responsibility for his own emotional outbursts, or be more secure and less threatened. I don’t know your particular story or what your spouse is doing that you feel is emotionally abusive, but see if you play a part in enabling his behaviors to flourish and grow without protest or consequence. Then you'll have a good idea on what you can work on.
Readers: How have you learned to walk the fine line between enabling and being a godly and submissive wife?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Topic: My 18 year old is trashing his life and driving me crazy. What do I do?
Happy Valentine’s Day sweet friends,
I hope you’re doing something fun or special today to show someone that you love him or her. It’s so much easier to criticize than encourage, easier to be lazy than work hard at our relationships, easier to be careless with our words than think through something constructively before we say it.
Today friends, commit with me that you will intentionally encourage someone, work hard at your relationships and be mindful with your words. If you can throw in a smile or two in the process that always helps. Life is hard but when you have close and loving connections it makes life bearable and even enjoyable.
Sorry I didn’t post a new blog question last week. I was behind in sending out my newsletter and the blog post went with the content of the newsletter so I left it the same for last week.
But last Friday I was rushing through my day. I was stressed out, trying to get more done than was possible in the limited amount of time I allotted and of course, I was feeling it in my body and my mood. Right then the Lord reminded me again of those five simple words, I am with you always. Why it that we so easily forget what is true? Share with me what you are doing to remember!
Saturday I had a wonderful day speaking at Grace Fellowship EF Church in Milford, New Jersey. We talked about what makes our relationships better and I felt so encouraged by the sweet teachable spirits of the women who attended. Although it was Valentine’s weekend, a recent widow came up to me afterward and said, “I didn’t think I would like this talk. I’m not married and I didn’t know what you would have to say that applied to me. But I see that I am still in many relationships and what you said has everything to do with how I handle my part of those relationships.” I came home happy (love serving Jesus and others) and exhausted. I promptly took a nap.
This Tuesday, I’d appreciate your prayers. I fly out to Grand Rapids to speak at Ada Bible Church on Depression Proofing Your Life. Please pray for me as I have a very early flight and want to have enough energy left at the end of the day to speak well.
I do covet your prayers. Right now I feel a little bit exhausted. I have a heavy speaking/writing schedule for the next few weeks I want to finish it well.
Today’s Question: I am a single mom of an 18 year old son who just dropped out of school. He is ADHD and refuses therapy and medication since becoming an adult. He is very angry all the time and verbally and physically abusive towards me when I try to talk to him about school. He is not working and becoming very lazy around the house, does no chores and expects me to clean up after him.
I am very tired of this situation and am contemplating putting him out of the home but worry about his welfare if I do this. I am so torn with making the right decision that would be pleasing to God.
I don’t see the situation getting better. He hangs out with friends day and night, coming in and out of the house as he pleases. He also started smoking and not just cigarettes. I’m in dire straits. Help!
Answer: You are in a very difficult situation that has no easy answers. If you continue to allow your son to stay home and be lazy, abusive, and irresponsible toward you and his own life, you are not really helping him grow up and mature even if you are allowing him to receive food and shelter. On the other hand, if you kick him out of the house, you’re afraid he might escalate his poor choices and that could result in more serious consequences like jail time, getting injured, or even killed.
First, let me tell you I have never seen a situation like this turn itself around all by itself. In other words, if your son is allowed to continue to live as he does with no painful consequences, he will continue to live as he does. The painful consequences are falling on you. You feel afraid, you are walking on eggshells in your own home, you’re tired and don’t like being the mother/maid of a grown child.
What might happen next is that he meets a girl who is willing to assume the mother/maid role in his life. She won’t know that’s what she’s agreeing to when she meets him but that’s eventually what will happen. He will move out of your house and live with her. However, if he continues his lazy, abusive, and irresponsible ways, she will probably kick him out and then he’ll be back with you.
So you do need a plan and here is what I suggest. You need to start by having a heart to heart talk about your life with your son. Don’t talk about him, school, etc. You already know that approach doesn’t work.
So here’s what you’re going to try to say or write if he won’t listen.
“I realize that you are not an adult and I have very little say in what you do with your life. But I do have a say about how my life goes and right now I’m not happy with my life. I love you but I’m weary. I cannot afford to keep paying your bills, taking care of your laundry, and cleaning up after your messes. You are a man now and you need to assume those responsibilities and take care of yourself. Today is February 14th. Starting tomorrow, I am not going to clean up after your messes or do your laundry. I expect you to assume those responsibilities as an adult who lives here.
I also expect you to pay your own bills and contribute some room and board to your living expenses. (specify what you want in exact dollar amount). That will mean that you’ll need to get a job. I will give you 30 days to get some kind of job and begin to pay your own bills. If you decide this is unacceptable to you, then you must find someplace else to live.”
And here’s where you throw in a bonus, “Son, my personal opinion is that you need medication to function at your best. If you agree to go back on your medication, I’ll give you an extra 30 days to get on your feet with these things. If not, then you have 30 days to get a job and take care of your responsibilities or you’ll need to find another place to live. I’ll always love you but I do not think it’s my place to take care of you anymore. That is your job.”
What does God think of tough love? Remember biblical love always acts in the best interests of the beloved. What is in your son’s best interest? I think it is to grow up, be responsible, and take care of himself. When we continue to allow our child to be habitually irresponsible and lazy with no consequences, that’s not called biblical love, it’s called fear and co-dependency.
The apostle Paul rebukes laziness and says that if someone won’t work, he shouldn’t eat. (2 Thessalonians 3:6-10). A great book on this whole subject is Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.
If you’ve been in this kind of situation, please share what you’ve done that has helped you stay sane and how you’ve dealt with your anxiety about what your child might do if you stopped enabling him or her?
I hope you’re doing something fun or special today to show someone that you love him or her. It’s so much easier to criticize than encourage, easier to be lazy than work hard at our relationships, easier to be careless with our words than think through something constructively before we say it.
Today friends, commit with me that you will intentionally encourage someone, work hard at your relationships and be mindful with your words. If you can throw in a smile or two in the process that always helps. Life is hard but when you have close and loving connections it makes life bearable and even enjoyable.
Sorry I didn’t post a new blog question last week. I was behind in sending out my newsletter and the blog post went with the content of the newsletter so I left it the same for last week.
But last Friday I was rushing through my day. I was stressed out, trying to get more done than was possible in the limited amount of time I allotted and of course, I was feeling it in my body and my mood. Right then the Lord reminded me again of those five simple words, I am with you always. Why it that we so easily forget what is true? Share with me what you are doing to remember!
Saturday I had a wonderful day speaking at Grace Fellowship EF Church in Milford, New Jersey. We talked about what makes our relationships better and I felt so encouraged by the sweet teachable spirits of the women who attended. Although it was Valentine’s weekend, a recent widow came up to me afterward and said, “I didn’t think I would like this talk. I’m not married and I didn’t know what you would have to say that applied to me. But I see that I am still in many relationships and what you said has everything to do with how I handle my part of those relationships.” I came home happy (love serving Jesus and others) and exhausted. I promptly took a nap.
This Tuesday, I’d appreciate your prayers. I fly out to Grand Rapids to speak at Ada Bible Church on Depression Proofing Your Life. Please pray for me as I have a very early flight and want to have enough energy left at the end of the day to speak well.
I do covet your prayers. Right now I feel a little bit exhausted. I have a heavy speaking/writing schedule for the next few weeks I want to finish it well.
Today’s Question: I am a single mom of an 18 year old son who just dropped out of school. He is ADHD and refuses therapy and medication since becoming an adult. He is very angry all the time and verbally and physically abusive towards me when I try to talk to him about school. He is not working and becoming very lazy around the house, does no chores and expects me to clean up after him.
I am very tired of this situation and am contemplating putting him out of the home but worry about his welfare if I do this. I am so torn with making the right decision that would be pleasing to God.
I don’t see the situation getting better. He hangs out with friends day and night, coming in and out of the house as he pleases. He also started smoking and not just cigarettes. I’m in dire straits. Help!
Answer: You are in a very difficult situation that has no easy answers. If you continue to allow your son to stay home and be lazy, abusive, and irresponsible toward you and his own life, you are not really helping him grow up and mature even if you are allowing him to receive food and shelter. On the other hand, if you kick him out of the house, you’re afraid he might escalate his poor choices and that could result in more serious consequences like jail time, getting injured, or even killed.
First, let me tell you I have never seen a situation like this turn itself around all by itself. In other words, if your son is allowed to continue to live as he does with no painful consequences, he will continue to live as he does. The painful consequences are falling on you. You feel afraid, you are walking on eggshells in your own home, you’re tired and don’t like being the mother/maid of a grown child.
What might happen next is that he meets a girl who is willing to assume the mother/maid role in his life. She won’t know that’s what she’s agreeing to when she meets him but that’s eventually what will happen. He will move out of your house and live with her. However, if he continues his lazy, abusive, and irresponsible ways, she will probably kick him out and then he’ll be back with you.
So you do need a plan and here is what I suggest. You need to start by having a heart to heart talk about your life with your son. Don’t talk about him, school, etc. You already know that approach doesn’t work.
So here’s what you’re going to try to say or write if he won’t listen.
“I realize that you are not an adult and I have very little say in what you do with your life. But I do have a say about how my life goes and right now I’m not happy with my life. I love you but I’m weary. I cannot afford to keep paying your bills, taking care of your laundry, and cleaning up after your messes. You are a man now and you need to assume those responsibilities and take care of yourself. Today is February 14th. Starting tomorrow, I am not going to clean up after your messes or do your laundry. I expect you to assume those responsibilities as an adult who lives here.
I also expect you to pay your own bills and contribute some room and board to your living expenses. (specify what you want in exact dollar amount). That will mean that you’ll need to get a job. I will give you 30 days to get some kind of job and begin to pay your own bills. If you decide this is unacceptable to you, then you must find someplace else to live.”
And here’s where you throw in a bonus, “Son, my personal opinion is that you need medication to function at your best. If you agree to go back on your medication, I’ll give you an extra 30 days to get on your feet with these things. If not, then you have 30 days to get a job and take care of your responsibilities or you’ll need to find another place to live. I’ll always love you but I do not think it’s my place to take care of you anymore. That is your job.”
What does God think of tough love? Remember biblical love always acts in the best interests of the beloved. What is in your son’s best interest? I think it is to grow up, be responsible, and take care of himself. When we continue to allow our child to be habitually irresponsible and lazy with no consequences, that’s not called biblical love, it’s called fear and co-dependency.
The apostle Paul rebukes laziness and says that if someone won’t work, he shouldn’t eat. (2 Thessalonians 3:6-10). A great book on this whole subject is Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.
If you’ve been in this kind of situation, please share what you’ve done that has helped you stay sane and how you’ve dealt with your anxiety about what your child might do if you stopped enabling him or her?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Topic: How do I heal from emotional wounds?
Hi Friends,
Yes it’s Tuesday. Late Tuesday. I’ve been working on this blog today because of the snow. Yesterday I was scurrying to finish up some writing deadlines and thank you so much for your prayers. I finished three out of four articles. I have one more to write this weekend. I so appreciate your encouraging words and prayers. They mean so much to me. In today’s answer I’ve taken a different approach to answering a question. It just seemed to fit with what I’ve been thinking about lately and wanted to share it more with you.
Be sure to sign up for my February newsletter if you haven’t already at www.leslievernick.com. I’m going to tell you five words that can change your life.
Today’s Question: My physical injuries have healed from people who’ve abused me, but the negative feelings are still there. What can I do to find deeper healing?
Answer: Emotional wounds are much more damaging than physical wounds are and heal slowly. I’d highly recommend that you read the last section (Surviving it) of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship as well as How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong for specific steps that you can take for your emotional growth and healing. But let share with you a meditation I’ve been pondering that may give you a good start.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the story of the women who had an issue of blood for 12 years. You know her; she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping to be healed. But let’s look more closely at her story to understand how deeper healing takes place. (Read Mark 5 and Luke 8 for the story.)
Here is a woman who was an outcast. She was labeled an unclean woman, socially unacceptable, undesirable, and dirty. Jewish law mandated that if someone touched an unclean person, they would need to go through the Jewish purification ritual in order to regain their rights to enter the temple. She was an untouchable woman and people kept their distance. She had spent all her resources to find help, but she only got worse. This woman heard Jesus coming and thought to herself, “if only I can touch his cloak, I will be healed.” ─ and to her surprise ─ she was.
Immediately she tried to escape the crowd unnoticed. Remember, she touched Jesus and according to Jewish law, that made him unclean. How embarrassed and scared she must have felt when Jesus turned and said, “Who touched me?” If she identified herself then everyone would know what she had done.
Let’s step back for a moment and look at the larger story here. Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house. Jairus was a Jewish leader, a ruler of the synagogue. Yet he approached Jesus for help because his young daughter lay dying. Jairus was a daddy before he was a religious leader and so he fell at Jesus’ feet begging him to heal his daughter.
It was on the way to Jairus’ home with the crowd pressing in that Jesus stopped and asked who touched him? I wonder in that moment what Jairus thought and felt? Did he feel impatient, anxious for Jesus to hurry up and get to his house? His daddy’s heart wanted his daughter healed. I wonder if he also felt a bit angry at this woman for distracting Jesus and taking valuable time away from a more pressing need. I suspect he might have even felt angry at Jesus for not prioritizing his daughter’s life threatening illness over this woman’s chronic bleeding problem.
Plus, Jarius was a person of influence and importance. He was a leader: he spoke and people listened. He risked everything to beg for Jesus’ help and now Jesus was wasting time asking who touched him while his daughter lay dying.
Do you ever feel like Jairus? God isn’t moving fast enough for your emergency? Angry and impatient that other people’s prayers are getting answered while you are still waiting?
Jairus was a daddy and wanted to see his daughter healed. But dear readers, one of the lessons of this story is that this woman had a daddy too, and her daddy cared about her needs and he knew she had no one who begged for her healing. Jesus stopped and called her forth because he wanted her to know something very important. Listen to what he told her. He said, “Daughter, Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” He wanted her to know that her daddy (the Heavenly Father) saw her suffering and told Jesus to help her too.
Jesus wanted her to know that she mattered to God. Although her culture rejected her, God did not. Although she was judged to be unclean, Jesus declared her whole. He wanted her to know that she was a person of value and worth. Even in a pressured moment, Jesus took the time to have a conversation with a nameless women who felt unclean, unloved and unimportant. He wanted her to know who she was. She was a daughter of a daddy who cared.
How about you? Perhaps your father abused you. Your husband rejects you. People don’t understand you. You feel like an unclean women, damaged goods. If only you could touch his cloak, you’d be well. I have good news for you. Daughter, go in peace and be freed from your suffering. God wants to help you. He wants you to know that you matter. You are important to him. He sees you and knows you and is never too busy with more important people to meet your very personal need. You are not nameless, or worthless, or hopeless. You have a daddy, he’s called Abba (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6).
Knowing and believing that, is the beginning of your healing.
As for Jairus, Jesus didn’t forget about his concern although he probably felt that way when he got word that his daughter died. But Jesus turned to him and said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” What did it take to walk those next miles home, heavy with sorrow yet clinging to faith? Perhaps that’s where you are right now. You feel hopeless or angry or disappointed. But Jairus trusted what Jesus said to him, and because he did, he saw a miracle. Jesus took his precious daughter’s hand and said, “Honey, wake up.”
What is Jesus saying to you right now, even if the midst of sorrow, heartache, broken dreams and shattered promises? Can you trust what he is saying and continue to walk in faith? That is healing. He says to you, “Honey, wake up. You were lost and now you're found. I have recued you from the domain of darkness and put you into the kingdom of light. You were an orphan but now you are in a family. You are precious and I have not forgotten you."
Believing God, and letting his words define us, heal us. Psalm 107:20 He sent forth his word and healed them.
Yes it’s Tuesday. Late Tuesday. I’ve been working on this blog today because of the snow. Yesterday I was scurrying to finish up some writing deadlines and thank you so much for your prayers. I finished three out of four articles. I have one more to write this weekend. I so appreciate your encouraging words and prayers. They mean so much to me. In today’s answer I’ve taken a different approach to answering a question. It just seemed to fit with what I’ve been thinking about lately and wanted to share it more with you.
Be sure to sign up for my February newsletter if you haven’t already at www.leslievernick.com. I’m going to tell you five words that can change your life.
Today’s Question: My physical injuries have healed from people who’ve abused me, but the negative feelings are still there. What can I do to find deeper healing?
Answer: Emotional wounds are much more damaging than physical wounds are and heal slowly. I’d highly recommend that you read the last section (Surviving it) of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship as well as How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong for specific steps that you can take for your emotional growth and healing. But let share with you a meditation I’ve been pondering that may give you a good start.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the story of the women who had an issue of blood for 12 years. You know her; she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping to be healed. But let’s look more closely at her story to understand how deeper healing takes place. (Read Mark 5 and Luke 8 for the story.)
Here is a woman who was an outcast. She was labeled an unclean woman, socially unacceptable, undesirable, and dirty. Jewish law mandated that if someone touched an unclean person, they would need to go through the Jewish purification ritual in order to regain their rights to enter the temple. She was an untouchable woman and people kept their distance. She had spent all her resources to find help, but she only got worse. This woman heard Jesus coming and thought to herself, “if only I can touch his cloak, I will be healed.” ─ and to her surprise ─ she was.
Immediately she tried to escape the crowd unnoticed. Remember, she touched Jesus and according to Jewish law, that made him unclean. How embarrassed and scared she must have felt when Jesus turned and said, “Who touched me?” If she identified herself then everyone would know what she had done.
Let’s step back for a moment and look at the larger story here. Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house. Jairus was a Jewish leader, a ruler of the synagogue. Yet he approached Jesus for help because his young daughter lay dying. Jairus was a daddy before he was a religious leader and so he fell at Jesus’ feet begging him to heal his daughter.
It was on the way to Jairus’ home with the crowd pressing in that Jesus stopped and asked who touched him? I wonder in that moment what Jairus thought and felt? Did he feel impatient, anxious for Jesus to hurry up and get to his house? His daddy’s heart wanted his daughter healed. I wonder if he also felt a bit angry at this woman for distracting Jesus and taking valuable time away from a more pressing need. I suspect he might have even felt angry at Jesus for not prioritizing his daughter’s life threatening illness over this woman’s chronic bleeding problem.
Plus, Jarius was a person of influence and importance. He was a leader: he spoke and people listened. He risked everything to beg for Jesus’ help and now Jesus was wasting time asking who touched him while his daughter lay dying.
Do you ever feel like Jairus? God isn’t moving fast enough for your emergency? Angry and impatient that other people’s prayers are getting answered while you are still waiting?
Jairus was a daddy and wanted to see his daughter healed. But dear readers, one of the lessons of this story is that this woman had a daddy too, and her daddy cared about her needs and he knew she had no one who begged for her healing. Jesus stopped and called her forth because he wanted her to know something very important. Listen to what he told her. He said, “Daughter, Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” He wanted her to know that her daddy (the Heavenly Father) saw her suffering and told Jesus to help her too.
Jesus wanted her to know that she mattered to God. Although her culture rejected her, God did not. Although she was judged to be unclean, Jesus declared her whole. He wanted her to know that she was a person of value and worth. Even in a pressured moment, Jesus took the time to have a conversation with a nameless women who felt unclean, unloved and unimportant. He wanted her to know who she was. She was a daughter of a daddy who cared.
How about you? Perhaps your father abused you. Your husband rejects you. People don’t understand you. You feel like an unclean women, damaged goods. If only you could touch his cloak, you’d be well. I have good news for you. Daughter, go in peace and be freed from your suffering. God wants to help you. He wants you to know that you matter. You are important to him. He sees you and knows you and is never too busy with more important people to meet your very personal need. You are not nameless, or worthless, or hopeless. You have a daddy, he’s called Abba (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6).
Knowing and believing that, is the beginning of your healing.
As for Jairus, Jesus didn’t forget about his concern although he probably felt that way when he got word that his daughter died. But Jesus turned to him and said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” What did it take to walk those next miles home, heavy with sorrow yet clinging to faith? Perhaps that’s where you are right now. You feel hopeless or angry or disappointed. But Jairus trusted what Jesus said to him, and because he did, he saw a miracle. Jesus took his precious daughter’s hand and said, “Honey, wake up.”
What is Jesus saying to you right now, even if the midst of sorrow, heartache, broken dreams and shattered promises? Can you trust what he is saying and continue to walk in faith? That is healing. He says to you, “Honey, wake up. You were lost and now you're found. I have recued you from the domain of darkness and put you into the kingdom of light. You were an orphan but now you are in a family. You are precious and I have not forgotten you."
Believing God, and letting his words define us, heal us. Psalm 107:20 He sent forth his word and healed them.
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