Topic: What do you want said at your funeral?

Evening friends,

Last week I was in California visiting with my precious grandbaby. We went to Disney Land to celebrate her first birthday. It was cold, but thankfully didn’t rain (it rained the rest of the week).

But over the past two weeks I’ve been pondering something. What do you want said about you at your funeral?

Before I left for vacation, I spoke at my first funeral. A colleague of mine died after a long battle with leukemia and as I was thinking about what to say that would capture her spunk and spirit my mind wandered to what people might say at my funeral.

Sounds kind of morbid I know, but stay with me for a minute. Sometimes things get clarified when you look at them with the end in mind. For example, when my children were young, I often asked myself, What kind of character qualities did I want to see in them when they grew up? Taking the time to think about the end results I wanted helped me stay the course even through difficult seasons of parenting.

Thinking about staying married to the same person for a very long time keeps me mindful of the kind of marriage I want after 25, 35, or even 50 years, especially when the moments (or months) are dry or hard.

I think pondering the reality of our own death makes us more intentional about the kind of life we choose to live now. The psalmist prayed, “Teach us to number our days O Lord so that we might present to you a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

Paul instructs us to “be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” Ephesians 5:15

If you knew your days were numbered and only had 30 days to live, or 60 days or even 1,000 more days to live, would you live your days differently than you do right now?

Here are a few ways I have found helpful to live with the end in mind.

Slow Down: One of the things I don’t want said about me at my funeral is that “she was always busy”. If we want to live on purpose and not merely be busy, we will need to first stop hurrying in order to see clearly. When you spin an object, such as the blades of fan fast enough, it gives you the illusion of something solid, something permanent. It’s only when you slow it down do you see it for what it really is.

Many of us spin our lives faster and faster, doing more, striving harder, hoping, that if we’re busy enough, it must mean that we matter, our life has meaning or we are important.

But I have learned that chronic busyness as a warning bell that I’ve gotten out of tune with God and reduced myself into human doing instead of human being. Doing things is important but they do not define who we are as persons.

Chronic busyness makes me tense, irritable, and impatient (because everything is slowing me down) and if I lived with the awareness that my days were numbered, I’d remember that most of the things I’m in such a hurry to do, are not all that important after all.

Have More Fun: I confess. I’m a first born, overachiever. I find it hard to let go and just have fun. That’s why I chose not to blog last week. I was having too much fun playing with my grandbaby and I didn’t want to stop. It was her birthday last Monday and we were partying. If my granddaughter ever speaks at my funeral, I want her to say, “My Nanna loved me and we had fun playing together.”

It is not wrong, sinful or selfish to enjoy your life and take time out to play, in fact, it’s crucial to your well-being and happiness. I have found when you are purposeful in creating meaningful recreation and enjoy life in good ways, you will find yourself renewed, happier, and have fresh enthusiasm about what you do as well as greater clarity about what your values and purposes are.

Simplify: Paul prayed that we would be able to discern what is best so that we would be filled with the fruit of righteousness (Philippians 1:9-11). Simplifying our life choices teaches us to clarify the difference between what’s good and what’s best.

Good things, like ministry, serving on committees, a great job or career, taking care of a house, or even helping the homeless, are wonderful, but they can become the subtle enemy of the best things if your love for doing them is out of order. Simplifying doesn’t mean that we give up everything that’s meaningful to us, but it means that we will discern the things that truly matter, put other responsibilities or activities in their rightful place, and let go of the rest.

When God tells us to choose life, he doesn’t make it complicated. He tells us what the most important and best choices are. Jesus said all the commandments can be summed up into two. Love God first and love others well. When that becomes primary, you are living on purpose and with purpose and everything else you do falls into its proper place.

At my funeral if my family and friends said, "Leslie loved me and I know she loved God," I will have had a life well lived.

Thankfully, none of us know for sure our lifespan but if you haven’t given the end much thought and you’re scurrying through life rather aimlessly, take some time now to ask yourself, What would you like said about you at your funeral?

Share your thoughts with the rest of us.

Today's topic: I have scrupulosity. What are some biblical practical helps to deal with it?

Thank you sweet friends for all your prayers over the past two weeks. I did not blog last week. I cooked instead. After speaking in Illinois last weekend, I stopped by my parent’s house in Chicago and cooked 12 meals in 36 hours. My mom just had surgery and dad was exhausted taking care of her and it was just something little I could do. So I turned off my computer and turned on the stove. I got home in time for the Power of Women event on Tuesday at Cedar Crest College which was fabulous. I met some wonderful women and it was a fun filled and informative event. I need to remember to take pictures of these things to share with you.

Tonight (Monday, March 14th) I am doing a 1 hour free teleseminar on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship at 9pm EST. It’s not too late to sign up but you’ll have to call the office for the information and a phone number to call in. If you’d like to be a part of the seminar, please call the office toll free at 1-877-837-7931 before 4pm ET.

This week’s question: I am seeing a counselor and I am on medication to deal with anxiety and depression. However, my counselor mentioned that I’m dealing with scrupulosity as part of my depression (there is OCD and anxiety that runs in my family). Granted she and I are dealing with this in counseling, but do you have any practical Biblical applications on dealing with this issue?

P.S. I seem to pick out all the tricky verses of the Bible and apply them to myself. I can’t seem to sleep at night because I wake up thinking about this every morning at 2 a.m. Any practical suggestions would be appreciated; especially since sleep is vital to a depressed person.

Answer: For those who aren’t sure what scrupulosity is, let me first give a brief definition. Scrupulosity is a religious form of obsessive compulsive disorder that was first described hundreds of years ago by the Catholic Church. In scrupulosity there is a preoccupation to the point of obsessing that one is not doing enough to make God happy, or that one has committed a sin by thought, word, or deed, and that God is displeased.

A person suffering with scrupulosity feels tremendous anxiety and guilt because they doubt their own faith and doubt whether God truly forgives them. Then they feel more guilt and anxiety because of their doubt and lack of trust in God. In this process they may develop rituals they must do that help them feel less anxious. But before long, the anxiety builds again and a new ritual or compulsion is needed to calm down.

It becomes a vicious circle of obsessive thought and compulsive behavior and scripture verses alone are usually insufficient to break into the obsessive thought patterns and ritualized compulsions of a person with this problem.

It is believed that Saint Loyola suffered with scrupulosity as well as Martin Luther and even John Bunyan. In his book Grace Abounding, Bunyan vividly describes his preoccupation with blasphemous thoughts. Martin Luther was plagued with doubts and fears so much so that he wanted to go to confession several times a day.
Although scrupulosity is fairly uncommon, you are in good company. Loyola, Bunyan and Luther were all godly men, greatly used by God in spite of their doubts and fears.

You asked for practical, biblical steps to address this issue. First, educate yourself on this disorder. People of all faiths and no faith suffer from scrupulosity. I’d encourage you to read Doubting Disease by Joseph W. Ciarrocchi. This problem has spiritual implications and does involve spiritual warfare (as Satan knows our weak spots), but it is not a statement about your value to God, his love for you, or whether or not you are the lone exception to John 3:16.

You need to find a different explanation to yourself for what you’re experiencing other than God must be disappointed in you for not getting your act together.

Second, study all you can on God’s grace. You need to bathe yourself in grace. Honey your relationship with God is not up to you, it’s up to God and he takes total responsibility for our salvation and sanctification. That doesn’t mean we don’t play a part, but that when we mess up, fess up and receive grace.

Here are just a few scriptures I’d like you to ponder.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant – I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you
You hold my right hand. Psalm 73: 23,24

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful. 1 Thessalonians 5:23,24

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does.
The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. Psalm 145:13B,14

God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Hebrews 6:18-20

Third, you must learn to acknowledge your obsessive thoughts and anxious and guilt feelings, but you must NOT give into them by doing something you think will appease God. If you are going to live by faith in God’s grace, then you will need to trust him to do what he says he will do. If it’s up to you to be good enough, sorry enough, spiritual enough, faithful enough, you will always fail and you will continue to spin in circles and have more sleepless nights.

With OCD and scrupulosity, behavior therapy has been shown fairly effective. That means that you work to change your behaviors by tolerating the bad thoughts or feelings but refusing to give into the compulsive ritual that you’ve used to feel better. That will actually make you feel worse temporarily – for about 20 minutes. But if you stick with it, you will find that you didn’t die and you will begin to feel okay. Grace won. Love won, not fear.

Let me give you an example. Next time you feel guilty about something and then feel you must do something to make it right don’t. Perhaps you remember that you weren’t totally honest with the waiter at the restaurant and although you told him your meal was good, it really wasn’t. You’re tempted now to head back there to confess your sin to the waiter and you are beating yourself up and feeling very guilty for lying. Don’t go back to the restaurant. You will feel anxious for a while and then it will pass.

Instead of defining what you are experiencing as conscious problem or even a sin problem, define it as scrupulosity and you are no longer going to let it RULE your life. Instead the love of Christ is going to control you, not guilt, anxiety, shame or fear. I’d encourage you to work with your Christian counselor on developing some graduated behavioral exercises for you to practice based on your particular issues that will help you break free from your compulsions.

Lastly, stay away from those tricky verses. Scholar’s debate and debate on those obscure passages. Don’t weary yourself by trying to figure them out. Instead look at the whole counsel of God and when you look at the big picture of scripture, it shouts love and grace. Jesus was full of grace and truth. He is your cornerstone. Not your own thoughts, feelings or efforts to be good enough. Put your eyes on Christ, the author and finisher of your faith and stop examining yourself with a microscope.