Good Morning: This weekend I did nothing. Well not exactly nothing, but I went to the beach with 3 girlfriends with no agenda, no projects, no deadlines, no schedule. We just did what we felt like which was nothing but sit and read. It was a nice break in a hectic life and a beautiful weekend. There is something about the ocean that soothes the soul and reminds us of our smallness and God’s greatness.
I hope you received my newsletter called Are Poisonous Snakes Biting You that was sent out this past week. If you did not receive it and would like to, please go to my website at www.leslievernick.com and sign up for my newsletter, and we will promptly get a copy out to you.
I am also conducting a survey of what kinds of topics you would like to see me address in the newsletter and how I can better serve you and meet your needs. If you’d like to take a moment to fill out the survey, I would love your input. You will receive a free gift on 9 Tactics of Manipulators and How to Break Free, Four Truths about Anger and Letting go of Resentment. I think you’ll find these topics very helpful. You can access the suvey here Survey.
Today’s question is from a reader who has written before. She struggles with the advice she receives from a “biblical counselor” who doesn’t seem to understand the dynamics of an abusive/destructive relationship.
Today’s Question: I am in a sort of joint counseling with a Biblical counselor at the present as well as in individual counseling with a therapist. Since my husband abused me 2.5 years ago, he has not been back in the house. There have been some changes in him but the core attitudes which drive the behaviors have not changed. I continue to wait.
The counselor told me that I was exercising conditional love and Christ did not do this. I have no solid answer for him. Is he right? He also told my husband yesterday that he was to move back in whether I approved or not within one week. He said the church never condoned more than 4-6 weeks separation and that would only be for physical abuse. I asked him where in Scripture did it say that? His response was that Scriptures say for a husband and wife to be one. I left sad and hurt but not destroyed this time by the “churches” beliefs toward me.
How and when does a woman be silent and win her husband without a word? At what point does doing that become a passive way to be in a relationship? This is all so confusing. Any advice?
Answer: I feel for your situation. Since I've heard from you before, I know you want to do the godly thing. You want to do what's right but you’re questioning whether your counselor is giving you wise advice in your particular situation.
First, I do not know the history or current details of your marriage as well as he does for sure. I am an outside observer and I only hear your perspective and I'm limited at that. But based on my years of counseling individuals and couples in similar situations, I want to give you some perspective, some things to think about, and maybe even some things to ask your counselor.
You indicate that although you’ve seen some behavioral change in your husband, the underlying attitudes of entitlement are still there. Can you describe or define these attitudes for your joint counselor? For example, “he expects to get all the perks of marriage without having to do the work of being honest or being caring and this is how this attitude showed up this week in our interactions.” (Then describe it for him.)
Or “I still feel scared around him because although he doesn’t hit me, he still acts like he might and, if he moves home, what guarantee will I have that he won’t do the same thing he did before when he gets mad at me?”
The scriptures tell us that we can identify someone by their actions (Matthew 7:28). What specific things does your husband do that exhibit this entitlement mindset?
I do not know what your counselor is “working” on with your spouse but from what you indicate in your letter, most of the attention seems to be on you. Why is it your responsibility for the long seperation and not your husband's hard heart. Your counselor tells you that you aren’t loving well. Does unconditional love mean you continue to allow someone to sin against you without consequence and still maintain intimacy and fellowship with him/her? I don’t believe that’s what the scriptures teach.
It sounds as if he is also saying that you must reconcile without your husband’s repentance or change. That is not biblical. Unconditional love does not entitle one to unconditional relationship. I think your counselor has it mixed up. I would greatly encourage you to go to my website and print out the article For Better or Worse and give it to your counselor to read. That may help him see things a little bit differently.
It also seems to me like your counselor may have some misconceptions of marriage. One of the first ingredients in rebuilding a broken relationship where abuse has been present is establishing safety. It sounds as if you still do not feel safe and that there is no safety plan in place. Your counselor has told your husband to move back home regardless of how you feel, which is disrespectful and doesn’t support a perspective of mutual caring, mutual respect or mutual honesty.
If your counselor felt strongly that it was time for your husband to move home and for you to live together again he could certainly speak with you about it and address your fears and help you work through those.
Or, he could have confronted your unruliness (if that was how he saw you) or ask you to pray about it, etc, etc, etc, but to just tell your husband to move back against your wishes actually supports a “power over” mentality where he and your husband do what they want regardless of how you feel or what you say. Why do you have no say?
If moving home is a mutual goal, then there needs to be a safety plan in place which your husband will not only agree to, but can actually do when he’s angry or upset. This will begin to create safety.
For example, when I’m working with couples who desire to reconcile, we start talking about safety goals right away. You cannot even begin to heal a broken relationship if someone feels scared for their safety, scared to speak up, scared to be honest, or scared to disagree.
When working with a couple who desires to be reconciled, I encourage them to begin to develop a safety first priority, even while separated. Now, for any reason when one of them feels unsafe, they say “I don’t feel safe right now.” The offending spouse at that moment must stop doing whatever they are doing, even if they don’t think it was wrong or offensive.
That means when a phone conversation gets heated and you say to your husband “I feel unsafe, I don’t like your tone,” your husband will respect your feelings and stop. He will not take it out on you in some other way. If he is incapable of respecting your boundaries or feelings while you are separated, he will never do it when he’s back home. Again, I do not know the whole story but to advise your husband to move back in regardless of your feelings or perspective seems very wrong to me.
I don’t “endorse” long separations but sometimes they are necessary. Changing these sinful behaviors takes time and, even when someone sincerely wants to be different, old habits and attitudes die hard.
The Scriptures do endorse the oneness of marriage but they also endorse lots of things that go into that oneness such as faithfulness, love, trust, mutuality of care, etc. When those things have been broken you do not have oneness. When it must be rebuilt, you do not go about it by forcing one person to live with the offending person without addressing the issues of the one who broke the oneness to begin with.
As I read the Old Testament, We see that God often separated himself from the Israelites because of their “hardness of heart”. He even said at times that he divorced them. He was always waiting and longing for their repentance so that they could be reconciled but he did not offer close and intimate fellowship to those who were rebellious and unrepentant.
In the New Testament, we see that Jesus unconditionally loved the Pharisees but because of their hardness of heart, he did not enjoy fellowship with them. I think your counselor is putting the burden on you to maintain the relationship without challenging your husband’s attitudes that have broken the relationship to begin with.
Finally you ask when does a woman be silent and win her husband without a word and at what point does doing that become a passive way to be in a relationship?
I think you are referencing the passage in 1 Peter 3 where he says, “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.”
Peter is saying that actions speak louder than words. That’s not passive. We are to love our enemies and do them good. That doesn’t mean that we are best friends with them but that we treat them well even when they don’t treat us well.
I don’t think God ever calls us to be passive in relationships. He is always calling us to do good, to love, to take the initiative to reconcile, to speak the truth in love, to be peacemakers (not peacekeepers), to pray for our enemies, and to overcome evil with good. Those things take a lot of work and a lot of emotional and spiritual health to actually practice, especially with those who have hurt us.
Holding your husband to responsible and accountable behavior may be the most loving and active behaviors you can do in order to give him the opportunity to “be won over” by your godly life. You may not have any more words to speak to him about this. You’ve already exhausted them. But perhaps the separation was your attempt to biblically love him by not allowing him to be deluded into thinking a good marriage is possible in spite of bad behaviors. It’s like thinking you can be irresponsible with your money and then wonder why you do not have enough money to pay your bills.
One verse that has been my guiding compass in counseling for over 30 years says this: “They dress the wound of my people as thought it were not serious. “Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.” (Jeremiah 8:11) I do not want to be that kind of counselor.
Broken marriages are serious business to God. As Christian counselors, pastors, helpers, mentors and friends, we must never minimize the impact that destructive/abusive and deceitful behaviors have on relationships. If these things are not dealt with, there is no true peace, and we are never to encourage pretend peace.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Topic: Who has the Final Say?
Hi Everyone,
I’ve been in Chicago this weekend for my niece’s wedding. I love to see two individuals in love join their hearts and lives together. What a blessing to be a part this special celebration. I danced with my 81 year old father – which was great fun. Look to my Facebook page to see some pictures which I will post later on this week.
Today’s Question: My husband and I are very different. I am much more conservative financially, he loves to spend money. We argue about parenting, where to go on vacation, even how to arrange the furniture in the living room. His trump card is always, “As head of our home I get the final decision.” Is that true? Do I just need to always give in or submit to his way because he’s the man? What if his decision is absolutely wrong? Then what?
Answer: I often hear this kind of thinking when working with couples in marriage counseling. I also was taught it myself in my premarital counseling. In a nutshell, the teaching goes something like this. Couples have conflict. That is inevitable. However, when there is an impasse, there is no resolution, as the head of the home, or leader, the husband get’s the final say. But let’s look to see if this thinking is truly what God designed marriage to be like.
If we look at the original couple, Adam and Eve, before the Fall, there was a mutuality to their relationship. In Genesis 1:26,27 God made human beings in his image (both male and female) and gave them both the responsibility to reign over the animals and take care of the earth. Eve was equal with Adam not beneath him.
After they both sinned, part of the curse was that their relationship would change. God told them, “And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 The desire for power and control over another person would now characterize marriages instead of the mutuality that God originally intended.
That that’s been the story ever since. However, when Christ came, he broke the curse of the law. Paul says, “But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law” (Galatians 3:13).
We see throughout Paul’s writing a breaking of this “power over people” mentality. He writes, “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:38). He also applies this to restoring the mutuality of marriage. He tells husband’s to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to submit to their husband’s out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21-33 Colossians 3:18,19). It’s both/and, not either/or.
When Paul talks about the sexual relationship, he also describes this mutual giving and mutual giving up of rights and power. He says, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3,4)
Notice the one spouse gives authority to the other, no one takes authority over the other. When mutuality in marriage is practiced, power struggles may be tempting, but never endorsed or validated as biblical. One does not take someone’s choice away from them. When mutuality is practiced and valued, a husband or wife often gives in, but they give in willingly, not under compulsion or fearfully.
I have been married over 35 years. There has never been a time in my marriage where my husband had to have a “final” say. When you practice mutual submission and mutual respect, you listen to each other’s perspective. You defer when someone is wiser than you are in a certain area, you compromise, you work together to come up with a solution that you both can live with.
Finally, let’s look at this question from one other perspective and that is the angle of authority. Too often we have misunderstood the authority of a position, whether it be husband, or pastor, or elder, to be synonymous with getting one’s own way. In other words, if I am the head of my home (authority), then I get the final say, which means I get my way.
But the bible is very clear that authority does not imply entitlement to one’s own way. God’s Word gives specific instructions to those in authority how to handle that responsibility. Throughout the Old Testament God often rebuked the leaders of Israel for their self-centered, deceitful, and abusive shepherding of God’s flock (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4)
Biblically, God put husbands as the head over their wives (Ephesians 5:23), but that does not put wives at the feet of their husbands. Women and wives are depicted in the Gospel as equal partners and persons to love, not objects to use or property to own. Biblical headship is modeled by Christ’s gentle leadership and loving self-sacrifice. Husband’s are cautioned not to be harsh with their wives and not to mistreat them, or their prayers will be hindered (Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7). No leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail.
Jesus cautions those in positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, and elders – not to misuse those God ordained positions for self centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve the individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our egos stroked or to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45).
So what would these biblical principles look like in making family decisions? Let’s say you want to go to the ocean for vacation, your husband prefers the mountains. Traditionally the final say has meant that he gets to go to the mountains and you simply have to submit.
But authentic biblical headship defined by Christ is servanthood. Now we have an entirely different picture. How can your husband best serve your needs? If he is to love you as Christ loves the church and sacrifice himself for that, what would the “final decision” look like?
I think it would sound more like, “Honey, if you need sand and water for vacation this year, let’s do it.” Likewise, the wife might say, “if it’s that important to you that you get away from the crowds at the beach, I’m fine with that.”
When this kind of mutual submission, mutual love and mutual respect are practiced in a marital relationship, there is no need for a “final say”.
I’ve been in Chicago this weekend for my niece’s wedding. I love to see two individuals in love join their hearts and lives together. What a blessing to be a part this special celebration. I danced with my 81 year old father – which was great fun. Look to my Facebook page to see some pictures which I will post later on this week.
Today’s Question: My husband and I are very different. I am much more conservative financially, he loves to spend money. We argue about parenting, where to go on vacation, even how to arrange the furniture in the living room. His trump card is always, “As head of our home I get the final decision.” Is that true? Do I just need to always give in or submit to his way because he’s the man? What if his decision is absolutely wrong? Then what?
Answer: I often hear this kind of thinking when working with couples in marriage counseling. I also was taught it myself in my premarital counseling. In a nutshell, the teaching goes something like this. Couples have conflict. That is inevitable. However, when there is an impasse, there is no resolution, as the head of the home, or leader, the husband get’s the final say. But let’s look to see if this thinking is truly what God designed marriage to be like.
If we look at the original couple, Adam and Eve, before the Fall, there was a mutuality to their relationship. In Genesis 1:26,27 God made human beings in his image (both male and female) and gave them both the responsibility to reign over the animals and take care of the earth. Eve was equal with Adam not beneath him.
After they both sinned, part of the curse was that their relationship would change. God told them, “And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 The desire for power and control over another person would now characterize marriages instead of the mutuality that God originally intended.
That that’s been the story ever since. However, when Christ came, he broke the curse of the law. Paul says, “But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law” (Galatians 3:13).
We see throughout Paul’s writing a breaking of this “power over people” mentality. He writes, “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:38). He also applies this to restoring the mutuality of marriage. He tells husband’s to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to submit to their husband’s out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21-33 Colossians 3:18,19). It’s both/and, not either/or.
When Paul talks about the sexual relationship, he also describes this mutual giving and mutual giving up of rights and power. He says, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3,4)
Notice the one spouse gives authority to the other, no one takes authority over the other. When mutuality in marriage is practiced, power struggles may be tempting, but never endorsed or validated as biblical. One does not take someone’s choice away from them. When mutuality is practiced and valued, a husband or wife often gives in, but they give in willingly, not under compulsion or fearfully.
I have been married over 35 years. There has never been a time in my marriage where my husband had to have a “final” say. When you practice mutual submission and mutual respect, you listen to each other’s perspective. You defer when someone is wiser than you are in a certain area, you compromise, you work together to come up with a solution that you both can live with.
Finally, let’s look at this question from one other perspective and that is the angle of authority. Too often we have misunderstood the authority of a position, whether it be husband, or pastor, or elder, to be synonymous with getting one’s own way. In other words, if I am the head of my home (authority), then I get the final say, which means I get my way.
But the bible is very clear that authority does not imply entitlement to one’s own way. God’s Word gives specific instructions to those in authority how to handle that responsibility. Throughout the Old Testament God often rebuked the leaders of Israel for their self-centered, deceitful, and abusive shepherding of God’s flock (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4)
Biblically, God put husbands as the head over their wives (Ephesians 5:23), but that does not put wives at the feet of their husbands. Women and wives are depicted in the Gospel as equal partners and persons to love, not objects to use or property to own. Biblical headship is modeled by Christ’s gentle leadership and loving self-sacrifice. Husband’s are cautioned not to be harsh with their wives and not to mistreat them, or their prayers will be hindered (Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7). No leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail.
Jesus cautions those in positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, and elders – not to misuse those God ordained positions for self centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve the individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our egos stroked or to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45).
So what would these biblical principles look like in making family decisions? Let’s say you want to go to the ocean for vacation, your husband prefers the mountains. Traditionally the final say has meant that he gets to go to the mountains and you simply have to submit.
But authentic biblical headship defined by Christ is servanthood. Now we have an entirely different picture. How can your husband best serve your needs? If he is to love you as Christ loves the church and sacrifice himself for that, what would the “final decision” look like?
I think it would sound more like, “Honey, if you need sand and water for vacation this year, let’s do it.” Likewise, the wife might say, “if it’s that important to you that you get away from the crowds at the beach, I’m fine with that.”
When this kind of mutual submission, mutual love and mutual respect are practiced in a marital relationship, there is no need for a “final say”.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Topic: Is this an emotionally destructive relationship?
Good morning friends,
Hope you had a great weekend. This was the first weekend in a long time that I did not have a writing deadline to work on and it felt wonderful. I cleaned closets, rode my scooter to the park, read and was still. I need those lazy days to recharge, don’t you?
Several years ago I discovered a poem at an airport bookstore and I’ve reflected on it since. I want to share it with you.
I Will Not Die an Unlived Life
I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Dawna Markova
Does this poem resonate with you too? Tell me how.
As I’ve pondered and prayed about my next “writing project” (I have lots of ideas) I have felt lead to narrow my focus. I am going to continue to address the issue of emotionally destructive relationships, this time specifically in marriage.
Pray for me as I start a new book on this important topic. I receive so many blog questions on this area that I want to expand and share more about how people who are living in these relationships find grace and peace and safety and sanity in the midst of darkness, oppression and sin.
This week’s question: I just read your book about Emotionally Destructive Relationships. I’ve been feeling emotionally abused by my husband for the past 7 or 8 years. We’ve been to counseling to little avail. I am now on medication for depression. I’ve been taught that the only reason for divorce is adultery, so I’ve been feeling very stuck.
Almost every day I get a lecture about how I communicate and instructions on how I could have said things better, in a way that doesn’t push his buttons. I can’t be myself and I find myself guarded with what I say and always expecting a lecture. I try to let it slide off my back but it’s getting to me. I used to explode a lot when he said demeaning things and insulted my intelligence. Now that I’m on the medication I can keep my emotions under control better, but I’m wondering if I should continue to put up with this. If affects our kids. They hear their father talking to their mother in very condescending tones and it’s not healthy. And sometimes they hear me sobbing or yelling when I can’t take it anymore.
Here are some of the phrases us uses with me:
“You didn’t bother to….”
“I don’t understand why you want to lose.”
“You are a very unique woman”
“I’m waiting for you to get your head out of the sand.”
“That isn’t very smart”
“You’re not paying attention”
“This does not bode well for getting good results.”
It’s not just the area of communication where he acts controlling. He doesn’t want me to make any decisions on my own. I can decide regular daily stuff, but anything new or different he demands he be consulted. He gets very upset if I circumvent his authority. Here are a few examples. He got upset with me telling our daughter that she could go somewhere without consulting him about it first. I went to pick out new glasses after my prescription was filled without asking him first. I invited my parents to come take pictures of my daughter and her date for the prom without letting him know first. Even though I apologize for these misunderstandings, he continues to bring them up and remind me of my failures.
He refuses to allow me to get on his computer, even though he’s had a problem with pornography. He gets upset if I move any of his stuff when I’m trying to clean up the house. Heaven forbid if I move any furniture without getting his approval first.
Are these things controlling and/or abusive or is this just every day common behavior that I’m taking too personally?
Answer: My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to take the test at the end of chapter 1 (or for those who don’t have my book, it’s in my free resource section on my website at https://www.leslievernick.com
In many of these kinds of relationships, you can’t point to one specific abusive episode or grossly sinful behavior to “prove” that the relationship destructive. That’s the hard part, especially when trying to get pastoral help or explain it to a counselor.
But you know that inside the person you were is dying and you don’t know how to live in a healthy way this relationship any more. You mention that you used to explode in anger and now with antidepressants you keep your emotions better in check.
I’m glad you’re not exploding anymore. That’s not healthy for anyone. However, my concern for you is that in dulling your emotional pain, you’re not paying attention to your internal warning bell that’s telling you something is very wrong.
Here’s what I mean. When you break your ankle, the pain drives you to the doctor. That’s a good thing so that you get help for your problem (broken ankle) and then you can take the pain medication and get crutches while you heal you’re ankle. If you just took pain medication so that you don’t feel your ankle pain and then continued to walk on it, you would make your ankle worse.
In the same way, when you feel continual marital pain, you need to ask yourself what’s wrong? Pain motivates us to take some action, to get help in order to fix the problem. If you just mask the pain with medication, you won’t solve the problem and the problem can actually become worse.
You said counseling has been little help. You’re not alone in this. I think it’s very difficult to describe the kinds of crazy making that this kind of relationship entails. It’s also very hard for counselors to grasp. Much of what your husband asks of you sounds so reasonable.
For example, it is normal not controlling for husbands (and wives) to want to be included in decisions regarding where the children go, money spent (especially if the budget is tight), and in laws visiting. You don’t say, but I’m guessing the problem is deeper than just a lack of information (in that you failed to inform him). But rather, he feels that it’s his right as the head of his home to decide the final outcome.
What happens when you do talk with him about these things and you have a difference of opinion? How do you resolve these disagreements? From the phrases he uses, it sounds like he has a very strong sense of win/lose in problem solving rather than mutual consideration, respect, and compromise. He believes that his authority entitles him to always have the final say.
And….that will be the subject of next week’s blog, The Final Say!
But for you dear one, take heart. There is a God who see’s you and who knows what you are going through. There is a God who hates abuse and warns husband’s not to treat their wives harshly. Right now if all you can work on is you and not your marriage, start there. Deal with your depression and anger. Do what you need to do to learn how to communicate in a strong and firm way that you will not engage in conversations that are disrespectful and demeaning anymore. It is only from a position of wholeness can you then invite your husband into healthy change.
Hope you had a great weekend. This was the first weekend in a long time that I did not have a writing deadline to work on and it felt wonderful. I cleaned closets, rode my scooter to the park, read and was still. I need those lazy days to recharge, don’t you?
Several years ago I discovered a poem at an airport bookstore and I’ve reflected on it since. I want to share it with you.
I Will Not Die an Unlived Life
I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
Dawna Markova
Does this poem resonate with you too? Tell me how.
As I’ve pondered and prayed about my next “writing project” (I have lots of ideas) I have felt lead to narrow my focus. I am going to continue to address the issue of emotionally destructive relationships, this time specifically in marriage.
Pray for me as I start a new book on this important topic. I receive so many blog questions on this area that I want to expand and share more about how people who are living in these relationships find grace and peace and safety and sanity in the midst of darkness, oppression and sin.
This week’s question: I just read your book about Emotionally Destructive Relationships. I’ve been feeling emotionally abused by my husband for the past 7 or 8 years. We’ve been to counseling to little avail. I am now on medication for depression. I’ve been taught that the only reason for divorce is adultery, so I’ve been feeling very stuck.
Almost every day I get a lecture about how I communicate and instructions on how I could have said things better, in a way that doesn’t push his buttons. I can’t be myself and I find myself guarded with what I say and always expecting a lecture. I try to let it slide off my back but it’s getting to me. I used to explode a lot when he said demeaning things and insulted my intelligence. Now that I’m on the medication I can keep my emotions under control better, but I’m wondering if I should continue to put up with this. If affects our kids. They hear their father talking to their mother in very condescending tones and it’s not healthy. And sometimes they hear me sobbing or yelling when I can’t take it anymore.
Here are some of the phrases us uses with me:
“You didn’t bother to….”
“I don’t understand why you want to lose.”
“You are a very unique woman”
“I’m waiting for you to get your head out of the sand.”
“That isn’t very smart”
“You’re not paying attention”
“This does not bode well for getting good results.”
It’s not just the area of communication where he acts controlling. He doesn’t want me to make any decisions on my own. I can decide regular daily stuff, but anything new or different he demands he be consulted. He gets very upset if I circumvent his authority. Here are a few examples. He got upset with me telling our daughter that she could go somewhere without consulting him about it first. I went to pick out new glasses after my prescription was filled without asking him first. I invited my parents to come take pictures of my daughter and her date for the prom without letting him know first. Even though I apologize for these misunderstandings, he continues to bring them up and remind me of my failures.
He refuses to allow me to get on his computer, even though he’s had a problem with pornography. He gets upset if I move any of his stuff when I’m trying to clean up the house. Heaven forbid if I move any furniture without getting his approval first.
Are these things controlling and/or abusive or is this just every day common behavior that I’m taking too personally?
Answer: My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to take the test at the end of chapter 1 (or for those who don’t have my book, it’s in my free resource section on my website at https://www.leslievernick.com
In many of these kinds of relationships, you can’t point to one specific abusive episode or grossly sinful behavior to “prove” that the relationship destructive. That’s the hard part, especially when trying to get pastoral help or explain it to a counselor.
But you know that inside the person you were is dying and you don’t know how to live in a healthy way this relationship any more. You mention that you used to explode in anger and now with antidepressants you keep your emotions better in check.
I’m glad you’re not exploding anymore. That’s not healthy for anyone. However, my concern for you is that in dulling your emotional pain, you’re not paying attention to your internal warning bell that’s telling you something is very wrong.
Here’s what I mean. When you break your ankle, the pain drives you to the doctor. That’s a good thing so that you get help for your problem (broken ankle) and then you can take the pain medication and get crutches while you heal you’re ankle. If you just took pain medication so that you don’t feel your ankle pain and then continued to walk on it, you would make your ankle worse.
In the same way, when you feel continual marital pain, you need to ask yourself what’s wrong? Pain motivates us to take some action, to get help in order to fix the problem. If you just mask the pain with medication, you won’t solve the problem and the problem can actually become worse.
You said counseling has been little help. You’re not alone in this. I think it’s very difficult to describe the kinds of crazy making that this kind of relationship entails. It’s also very hard for counselors to grasp. Much of what your husband asks of you sounds so reasonable.
For example, it is normal not controlling for husbands (and wives) to want to be included in decisions regarding where the children go, money spent (especially if the budget is tight), and in laws visiting. You don’t say, but I’m guessing the problem is deeper than just a lack of information (in that you failed to inform him). But rather, he feels that it’s his right as the head of his home to decide the final outcome.
What happens when you do talk with him about these things and you have a difference of opinion? How do you resolve these disagreements? From the phrases he uses, it sounds like he has a very strong sense of win/lose in problem solving rather than mutual consideration, respect, and compromise. He believes that his authority entitles him to always have the final say.
And….that will be the subject of next week’s blog, The Final Say!
But for you dear one, take heart. There is a God who see’s you and who knows what you are going through. There is a God who hates abuse and warns husband’s not to treat their wives harshly. Right now if all you can work on is you and not your marriage, start there. Deal with your depression and anger. Do what you need to do to learn how to communicate in a strong and firm way that you will not engage in conversations that are disrespectful and demeaning anymore. It is only from a position of wholeness can you then invite your husband into healthy change.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Topic: Setting Boundaries
Hello Everyone,
This week has been a busy week working on a chapter for a book tentatively titled, Transformative Spiritual Interventions in Christian Counseling and Caregiving. I am just one of the contributors but I covet your prayers as I finish up this week writing this chapter on using The TRUTH Principle as a model of counseling.
This week on my Facebook Fan Page I asked people, “What is the single most important question you face when dealing with a difficult/destructive relationship?”
I’d love to hear from you as well. I’m going to be starting a new book (I hope) on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I feel that more needs to be said both to the victims, victimizer and church on this issue than I was able to say within the pages of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.
If you were to buy a book on this topic from a biblical perspective, what would you like to see addressed and answered?
Today I’m talking about boundaries. I’ve included a video clip about setting boundaries in general – both the wisdom of when you need to set boundaries and the skill of how to set them.
Let me know if you’re finding the video versus writing helpful.
Love you all.
This week has been a busy week working on a chapter for a book tentatively titled, Transformative Spiritual Interventions in Christian Counseling and Caregiving. I am just one of the contributors but I covet your prayers as I finish up this week writing this chapter on using The TRUTH Principle as a model of counseling.
This week on my Facebook Fan Page I asked people, “What is the single most important question you face when dealing with a difficult/destructive relationship?”
I’d love to hear from you as well. I’m going to be starting a new book (I hope) on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I feel that more needs to be said both to the victims, victimizer and church on this issue than I was able to say within the pages of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.
If you were to buy a book on this topic from a biblical perspective, what would you like to see addressed and answered?
Today I’m talking about boundaries. I’ve included a video clip about setting boundaries in general – both the wisdom of when you need to set boundaries and the skill of how to set them.
Let me know if you’re finding the video versus writing helpful.
Love you all.
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