Topic: Has my husband really changed? Should I reconcile?

Blessings friends,

I posted Sunday because Monday I will be in NYC all day with a friend whose husband is having major surgery. I’d appreciate your prayers.

Thank you for your wonderful response to my new coaching programs. There are still a few more spots if you’re interested. Please contact me for an application.

This month’s newsletter is going out Monday 8/1 , called, Ten Questions that Can Change Your Life. If you do not receive a newsletter and would like to, please sign up at www.leslievernick.com.

This Week’s Question: My husband and I have been married for 34 years. During the early years of our marriage he was unfaithful several times (I believe one night stands). He tells me now that he has not been physical with another woman for many years. He has, although continued to flirt when we are out together and stop in to see woman (who he calls friends) during his work day, he is a truck driver.

He has also been very controlling and was very nasty to our children when they were young, emotionally scarring them. Two years ago he began acting very weird for about 3 months and one of his co-workers didn't know that I was his wife and came in to a public place and was telling the women there that my husband was a REAL womanizer. Of course, when he found out that I was his wife he said that he was only kidding. That was the last straw and I left my husband, separating our assets.

We have been separated for 18 months now and our divorce is in its final stage. I have had a really difficult time with the separation, probably due to co-dependency. I was 17 when we got married. Now we have decided to try getting back together and see if we can make this work.

I bought a condo and he sold his house and moved in with me. He lost money on the house as the market dropped, therefore he insists that we put our money back together or it is not a marriage and he is going to finalize our divorce.

I am afraid to put the money back together as he was very nasty when we split and said that I didn't deserve as much as him. I ended up agreeing to take less, and my lawyer made me sign a paper stating that I did not do what he had advised and what was legal (split the assets 50/50). My husband is also very manipulative and lies. We went to New Life Weekend and the counselor there said that he is narcissistic.

My husband has been going to a prayer group at his church 3 mornings a week and reading scripture and praying. He has also tried to form a relationship with our boys and grandchildren. I would like to believe that he has changed from the inside out.

My counselor advised that I do not put our money together or retire (as he also wants me to do that). He said that he is going to tell our sons this weekend that he just can't take any more, and that he is calling his lawyer on Monday to finalize the divorce. I 'm panicking because I don't know whether to stop him and just give in.

Any advice that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Answer: It sounds to me that your husband is still controlling and you're still being manipulated. I guess you will have to decide whether or not you want to live the rest of your life that way.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. From what I read, nothing much has changed on the inside even though he’s going to prayer meetings and reading his bible. Please don't live the fantasy of who you wish he was, open your eyes, see where he really is right now and ask yourself if you want to go back to the same old things?

You didn't listen to your lawyer, you're not listening to your counselor, I'm not sure you’re ready for my counsel either.

I wish I had better news to give you but I would advise you both to continue your individual work but not put yourself at risk financially by joining monies or retiring right now. Perhaps he’s changing, but there is not enough evidence to trust that. Time will tell.

If you want to give your reconciliation a chance to see if deeper change has really happened, tell your husband that although you love him and would like to see if you can reconcile your relationship, he’s had a history of deceit, controlling behaviors and manipulation and you are not comfortable with pooling your financial pot at this time. But over time if you see that he’s truly changed, then you will reconsider in a year.

See if he’ll respect you and understand that his past behavior has caused this breakdown in marital trust and that it’s up to him to be patient with earning your trust back.

But from what you wrote, he’s already threatening to go through with the divorce because you’re not giving him what he wants. Sound familiar?

Topic: A Christian counselor feels shame that her marriage is a mess

Dear Blogging Friends,

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This week’s question is from a fellow Christian counselor who is struggling with what she knows to be true and her personal experience. I felt this sister reflected the angst of many who really try to follow God’s plan for her life and then ends up
in a wilderness of suffering, scratching her head and wondering, “Does God see me?”

Today’s Question: I am a Licensed Clinician and having been practicing for about 12 or so years. I thank God everyday for the skills that have kept me sane in a web of chaos, anger and deceit created by my husband. Without them and the Lord I don't know how I would have survived being faithful to a husband that has starved me of all provision.

I followed biblical counsel prior to marriage, sought the Lord's RSVP to marry my husband and set all the appropriate boundaries. How could this have happened?

Now I am reflecting back asking "Did I miss something?" How could I end up in such a fruitless marriage. I have searched for 7 years for one sentence to describe the pain and confusion I have endured. I finally found it! "He came through my life like a hurricane, exited and left me standing in the rubble trying to rebuild the life that he destroyed. He has no recognition and feels no remorse.

Despite my husband's lack of any type of provision...I stand on the truth of God's word and take my marital vows seriously! I don't want a divorce...BUT how much can one person take? I feel like I am going "CRAZY!" The more Christian wisdom I seek the more confused I become.

I don't want to manipulate God's word for my benefit or relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows. His word gives two options for divorce. What now? Forever damned?

How do I heal? Where is God in all of this? I have set the appropriate boundaries and continue to do so along with communicating cold hard truths (in love) to my husband despite his ability to conceptualize the data. He appears to be making some changes, but I am so far into the red. Even if he can stick with it...How can I survive such slow and ongoing progress when I have been starved beyond belief? It is like I have been sitting at God's banquet table for 7 years...without one meal!

I don't know the answer, but continuing to "Bear up under this" is NOT. Continuing to exercise the muscle of faith is not making the marriage stronger and feels like an exhaustive & fruitless exercise.

What is the answer? When is enough...just enough? And how do you sort through the hard truths of God's word. I have sought much Christian guidance and sad to say...it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging! Pastoral staff have simply caused more pain and cause those in search of God's truth and healing to retreat into isolation for refuge...which leads you back to the place you started.

I don't want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. What is the answer? Does joy exist? What does it look like? What does a biblical recovering/healing marriage model look like?

Surely, I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb! I am very ashamed that this is my life and more deeply ashamed as a Clinician that I find myself in this predicament. I am not looking for an easy way out...I want out through the way of the truth (whatever that looks like). But the darkness has become so dense I cannot find the light!

Answer: I hear you. I left much of your question in tact because you articulated so well the anguish that so many women feel in this kind of marriage. I also wanted other Christian leaders to see how deeply hurt you have been by the lack of wise counsel. This grieves me. My heart’s desire is that pastors, Christian leaders, counselors and Biblical counselors would understand the dynamics of these relationships more clearly so that they would be able to offer wise and competent help.

I could answer your questions from many different perspectives. If you’ve read past answers you will probably have already sensed some of what I’m about to say, but I just want to add some new thoughts and a couple of reminders.

You desire to honor your marriage vows and keep the sacred covenant of marriage and from what you’ve indicated, it sounds like you have. But you can’t keep your marriage covenant intact by yourself. It is a sacred covenant entered into between two people. When one breaks the covenant, or is faithless, the relationship is broken. The good news is it can be restored through personal repentance. The bad news is that without that, the marriage can never be what God intends.

Here me: Sin damages relationships. You only have to start reading in Genesis to see the truth of this. Cain killed Abel. Joseph brother’s sold him into slavery. Jacob stole Essau’s birthright and they feuded for years before reconciling.

God made a sacred covenant with the Jewish people but when Israel and Judah left God to worship idols, their relationship with God was broken. After much anguish, God gave them a certificate of divorce, while still longing for their heart-felt repentance. He did not want their lip service or going through the motions kind of relationship, he wanted genuine love and repentance (See Jeremiah 3:6-14).

You are right to want to see repentance, remorse and recognition of your husband’s sin against you, but it is not happening. There is more lip service but not real change.

You said that you believe the scriptures give only two reasons for divorce but you did not mention what they are. Most likely you are referencing adultery and abandonment. I don’t know if you qualify because of adultery but it definitely sounds as if you’ve been abandoned, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, even if your husband continues to reside in your house.

When a couple enters into the sacred covenant of marriage you make promises to be sexually faithful and to be faithful to provide, protect and care for the one you are marrying. Abandonment isn’t simply physically leaving the home you share, it is failing to keep your covenantal promises with no recognition, no remorse, and no repentance. It’s an overall lack of faithfulness, maybe not sexually but emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally. It’s taking care of your own needs at your partner’s expense. It’s not caring, not providing, not protecting and not honoring. It’s leaving the relationship even when you haven’t physically left the physical domain.

So dear one, God knows your betrayal. God understands your pain. Even though you felt his blessing on your choice of a life-partner, he does not control your husband’s choices anymore than he controlled Israel’s choices.

I know you do not want a divorce, but the truth is, you have been divorced, perhaps not legally yet but emotionally and spiritually. Now it’s time for you to heal and the only way to do that is to live in truth and reality and not what you wished would be.

I fear sometimes the church has made the same mistake with the sacredness of marriage that the Pharisees in Christ’s day made with the sacredness of the Sabbath. Jesus’ “irreverent” behavior on the Sabbath infuriated the religious leaders. He wasn’t following the “rules” He healed people. He allowed his disciples to pick grain. Yet when challenged, Jesus responded by asking, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or destroy it? (See Mark 3 and Luke 6).

Jesus said that Moses allowed divorce because of their hardness of heart. (Matthew 19:8-9) He went on to rebuke the trivial reasons that men divorced their wives and affirm that marriage was meant to be permanent, but even Jesus acknowledged that sometimes it isn’t possible. In the Old Testament we see that even God divorced Israel and Judah for their hardness of heart. (Jeremiah 3) all the while hoping she would come to her senses and repent.

Loss of trust and loss of relationship are the consequences of serious, unrepentant sin even in marriage. Stop beating yourself up and start to move toward God in healing and restoration of your own relationship with him. He is for you not against you. He loves you with an everlasting love and has not abandoned you. He does not ask you to be the sacrificial lamb, he already provided one. Jesus.

Just because you are a Christian counselor doesn’t mean you can work magic in your marriage. You cannot change your husband. You may influence him and invite him into change, but ultimately his change of heart and habit is between him and God.

In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I speak about my own struggle dealing with my destructive relationship with my mother. As a Christian and Christian counselor I felt like I should know what to do to fix this. I could not. All I could do was work on me and heal so that I would not be destroyed. Please get yourself into some supportive relationships and perhaps godly counsel so that you can work on your healing.

Topic: My ex-husband is threatening suicide. What do I do?

Hello friends,



Today I'm in sunny California, getting ready to leave for home in a few hours. I've been babysitting my beautiful granddaughter for the weekend. We've had a great time getting to know one another. Grandchildren are the best!

Today’s Question: I was in a dysfunctional marriage for 35 years. My husband was emotionally destructive and a big manipulator. I was easily manipulated because if I did not go along with his thoughts, he did punishing behavior. There was a lot wrong - I read your book on emotionally destructive relationships. We had all sorts of counseling, but the "problem" was always me he thought; he would not accept any responsibility or accountability.

Long story short we were divorced. I moved. He was not able to manipulate me
any longer. Our alimony issue has been in the court system for almost three
years - at first it was an unfair judgment, so I appealed and won. Now the judge
came back with a fair ruling and my ex wants to appeal this! He cannot. He is
now becoming very depressed and my son is afraid he may hurt himself. This is
the only time he has not been able to manipulate an outcome.

What is my role here? Mainly to pray is what I see. He has not submitted to an
authority that I know of. He needs emotional help, but has not reached out for
any. I see this as the Lord allowing him to come to the end of himself. I do
not have any contact with my ex-husband.

What is the likelihood he will hurt himself and what do you advise? I am not
sure if with the depression is he trying to manipulate me through my children or
not. They have recommended Christian counseling to him and my son has told him
to, "cry out to the Lord".

Answer: It is quite frightening when someone threatens suicide or is so depressed that you worry that he might do harm to himself. Your children, specifically your son feels caught in the middle and I’m sure he too feels very frightened. We want to do all we can to help a person in distress, but sometimes people do use threats of suicide and self-harm to get us to give them what they want. And, often it works. We’re afraid if we don’t give in, we will have to live with the guilt of their death.

Hear me. It is not your fault if your husband chooses to kill himself if you do not give in and cave to his demands. However, I do want to give you some things to consider (and to share with your son) since your question was regarding the likelihood he will hurt himself.

The research on high suicide risk people have identified a number of factors. If your husband fits these categories, then the risk of him attempting suicide and/or succeeding is higher than those who don’t fit these risk factors.

People who are depressed, have mood disorders or bi-polar disorder, alcoholism, and substance abuse, low social support, family history of suicide or previous history of suicide attempts, are higher risk. Some big days for high suicides are New Years Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. Surprisingly the biggest factor in suicide is not depression but hopelessness.

Your ex-husband seems like he’s lost what is most meaningful to him (his money) and hopelessness might be a factor here. You’re right in praying for him. Jesus warns us that wherever our treasure is, there the desires of our heart will be also. God is longing for your husband to switch masters, from money to Him. (Matthew 6:21-24)

If your husband is suffering from depression or bi-polar disorder he needs some help in dealing with his feelings of suicide. However, unless he becomes a danger to himself or others, there is little you (or your son) can do to make him receive the help he so desperately needs.

However, here are a few more things you can do to help you handle this dilemma.
If your husband threatens suicide, call Crisis Intervention or the Police. Crisis Intervention’s phone number can be found in the blue pages of your phone book for your locality. Make sure you have that number programmed into your cell phone in case he calls you or your sons call you in a crisis. This is too big for you to handle alone. Your husband needs to learn that if he threatens suicide, this is the result. Crisis Intervention or the Police will take him to the hospital to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. That may be the most loving and helpful thing you can do for him.

Second, if he calls you threatening suicide, be compassionate, but maintain your boundaries. Suicide is an irreversible decision often made in a moment of emotional angst. You can show compassion for his sense of hopelessness, but that doesn’t mean you must give in to his demands. Empathize with his feelings while internally maintaining your own boundaries and need to take care of yourself. Ask him where he is at the moment (home, work, at a park). Encourage him that things are not hopeless and to get the help he needs to deal with his feelings. Provide him with phone numbers (or give your son phone numbers) of Christian counselors who will help him. But if you feel scared or concerned in any way that he is going to harm himself, call the police or Crisis Intervention.

It is tempting to give in to his demands in order to prevent his taking his life but this is a short term solution to a deeper problem. Even if you were to give in to his immediate demands, then what? If he can get what he wants by threatening his own life, then he will continue to manipulate and control everyone to give him what he wants. Part of emotional maturity is learning that we don’t always get what we want and handling our own disappointment, hurt, and/or anger.

Lastly, it’s been my experience that when someone is actively suicidal, Satan is often actively taunting this person to take his own life. Prayer (as you already indicated you are doing) is a great help in dealing with the demonic forces at play in a suicidal person’s thought life. There are no easy answers or simple solutions but I applaud your desire to be supportive to your adult children and your resolve not to be manipulated into doing something you do not want to do.

Topic: Crazy Making Behaviors

Good Monday friends,

I have some exciting news to share with you. I have been invited to be a regular blogger (2 x a month) for the Association of Biblical Counselors. I am going to be blogging about the same topics that I’ve addressed in this blog for years, but gearing it toward counselors and pastors who need to know how to address the issues of domestic violence, verbal abuse and emotionally destructive relationships in a biblically wise and competent manner. Rejoice with me how God has opened this door for me and pray that I will stay focused and close to Jesus in the blur of opportunities. My first blog will begin in August and if you want to read it, you can find the site at www.christiancounseling.com

I’m leaving on Thursday to visit my daughter’s family and spend time with my precious granddaughter. It is their third anniversary and so I’m giving them time together before their new daughter arrives in October. I will get my blog out to you – Hopefully Monday with a photo of Amaya and me.

Today’s Question: It took me many years to know (almost) for sure that my husband is emotionally abusive. In the beginning of our relationship it seemed like a fairy tale. I wanted to make him happy. I catered to his every need. I do want to add that I was not a Christian when we met. I would look for love any way I could get it and thought that usually meant through sex and being servant-like to guys.

So my husband seemed wonderful and made me feel secure at first. But soon that all changed. I was a stay at home mom and he took control of all the money. He refused to buy me pads or anything to use for my period. He would not give me money to do laundry at the laundry mat. He had to come with me to the grocery store. He refused to pay the bills but bought himself whatever he wanted. He told me I was too sensitive and that I always make him out to be the bad guy. He lied to me about small things and big things and said (and still says) that he has never lied to me and that I always think the worst of him.

Once I became a Christian a light went on in my head. I was worth something. We have been married 16 years and have two boys. My oldest son wants me to leave. He says “mom he treats you (us) terrible.”

I feel like I am crazy one minute and then the next minute I know that it’s emotional abuse. This morning my husband said, “You seem to think I lie to you all the time when I have never lied to you.” He can seem so calm and in control at times and so out of control others. He will not listen to me and when I comment about his behavior or something he said, he tells me That’s ridiculous.” Or “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Am I crazy or what? What are my next steps?

Answer: It feels crazy doesn’t it? My heart goes out to you and anyone else who lives this way. This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage but more like a POW camp. But here’s the deal. Nothing will change if nothing changes. That means that if you want something to be different, you will need to initiate some changes. Why? Because the way it is right now is not only toxic for you and your boys but believe it or not, it’s destructive for your husband as well.

First it’s important for you to get some good Christian support. When we are isolated, the words of an abusive person ring truer than when we have other voices to listen to. I just finished reading a book called Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption. It’s the true story of Louie Zamperini, an Olympic runner. who was a prisoner of war during WW2. Isolation was one of the tactics used by the Japanese to mentally and emotionally break the soldiers down. When they weren’t allowed to communicate with their fellow prisoners of war and receive support, comfort, and validation, it was impossible for many of them to stay strong, hopeful and even sane.

But another important thing I realized as I read this book is was the Japanese soldiers who treated American prisoners inhumanly didn’t feel good either. Lording over someone and being cruel doesn’t only dehumanize and degrade the victim it dehumanizes and degrades the person doing the abuse. For the best interests of everyone in your family, it’s time to initiate some changes.

There is a tremendous imbalance of power and control in your home. Your husband has all the power and control, you are the slave. He controls the finances, he controls the mood of the home, he controls what you do, where you go, and even tries to control what you think and how you feel. That’s why you are constantly questioning your own thoughts and feelings and ask yourself “am I crazy?” For example, he twists reality (saying, “I’ve never lied to you”) but your own gut and experience tells you something very different. That’s crazy making and not God’s best for you, or for him.

Several weeks ago in this blog, I wrote about mutuality in marriage. The title of the blog was Who has the Final Say? God’s design for marriage is to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. When you became a Christian you began to experience your true value and worth. Now it’s time to learn to live as if those things are true.

When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy.

From this new place you can invite your spouse into some needed changes. If he refuses, don’t beg, plead, or badger or argue. Simply step back and allow him to experience his own core loneliness, unhappiness, and misery without taking responsibility for his feelings.

Here is an important insight that may help you understand your husband’s behavior. When a man doesn’t feel good about himself he often gets mean. This doesn’t excuse his behavior but if that’s one of the reasons he’s behaving the way he is, you might want to ask him to answer a question for you. When the time is right ask him,

“What is the single most important thing you want to be as a husband and father?”

His answer may surprise you. I doubt his response will reflect his current behaviors. I’ve never met an abusive man who said, “I want to be cruel, a dictator, a liar and someone who scares his family”. Deep down, most men want to be more loving husbands and fathers but don’t know how.

They get caught in their own internal lies, shame and self hatred over their inadequacies and failures (real and imagined) and usually do not know God’s forgiveness or the way out. Remember, that does not excuse his mean and controlling behaviors toward you but it may help you feel less crazy and enable you to actually feel some compassion (versus resentment) toward him as you speak up and require him to treat you and the children differently.

Next time he is disrespectful, abusive, or controlling, lovingly but firmly invite him to live up to his core values and treat you and your children from the person he wants to be, not how he feels in the moment. If he refuses, (which he very well might do), then he not only looses the opportunity to grow as a husband and father, he loses the closeness and fellowship of his family. Unfortunately, sometimes consequences, including separation are the only things that will wake him up enough to begin to want to change. Actually doing the hard work of change will be his next challenge.

That’s why you both need the support of loving people to help you on this journey. There is no short cut to growth and healing but it is God’s will that you both know him and mature and live in the truth of who He is and who we are in Him.

Press on dear one. For your growth, for the wellbeing of your husband and the future of your boys and family, take these next courageous steps and see what God does.

Topic: My husband's a sex addict and chronic liar. How do I tell our mutual church friends why I'm divorcing him.

Happy Fourth of July Everyone,

I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. I did. This has been one of the most relaxing summers I’ve had in a while. No deadlines looming and it’s a nice break. I’ve got some exciting news I want to share with you but am going to wait until the final details are ironed out. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell you all about it next week but please pray that it comes together.

Today’s Question: I’m married 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Two kids, daughter age 20, son age 12. I thought we had a fantastic marriage, with just the usual ups and downs and stresses that all families face. Before we got married, I knew my husband had a temper. He's always been quick to judge others. Our daughter, who just turned 20, and I have talked often about how he has a double standard....."do as I say, not as I do"... and certainly don't call him on what he does wrong. His abuse over the years has been verbal...belittling, demeaning, controlling, yelling. But that's not something a "good Christian" divorces over......so I thought I'd just live with it.

My husband seemed to go through these cycles of anger. He'd get angry at something, I'd have to pry out of him what was wrong, usually something I did (house isn't clean, laundry's not done, I don't cook enough, not enough sex). I'd straighten up and do better, and he'd treat me better. But 3 years ago, I found something that changed everything. He was mad at me, but all those checklist items that he normally accused me of were clearly not the problem at the time. So I got suspicious. It was then that I found out he was cheating on me.

Over the next 18 months, both of us in counseling, him for sexual addiction...I found out, in little drips and drabs that he had been with more than a dozen women, mostly one night hookups, ever since about our 3rd year of marriage! He had been able to keep these lies a secret for more than 20 years! And I didn't know.

I finally asked him to move out of the house and I started divorce proceedings a year ago. But the attorney’s became so expensive; he convinced me that we could "work out" a settlement without paying attorneys. I agreed, and we put a settlement in writing....which he refused to sign because "my word is good, I'll take care of you".

He truly hopes our marriage will be restored in time, reminding me often that I am his wife and we are only separated. A year later, after watching him closely, he continues to lie.....has continued to cheat, blaming the addiction. His finances are nothing but lies, and he has recently decided to not honor a key part of our verbal settlement agreement. I have a new appointment with my attorney tomorrow, to resume divorce proceedings.

Outward appearances, he is charming, funny, helpful to anyone who asks, giving, hardworking....a great guy! We have been going to the same church since we were in elementary school.....we have the same friends. His "story" to those he tells is that he "messed up big time", and that he's working hard to restore my trust. They believe he is the good guy he portrays, still buying me flowers every week and bringing them to my workplace. He is still active in our church, acting like nothing is different.

However, I've been very, very reluctant to tell details, not wanting to put our friends in the middle, where they feel it's "he said/she said". Which puts me in a position where I feel as though I have little support from our friends there. It's a large church, and it's not unusual for someone to come to me each Sunday and ask if he and I "will make it". I love my friends....I love the church we go to....how do I let them understand it is so much worse than they can imagine, that it is full blown, Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole-bizarre????. Even though he's the one who cheated, I'm the one who filed for divorce....and it feels like that is what people key in on. He wants to restore the marriage, I don't think he can ever be trusted! How can I relay to friends and other church friends that with what he has done and what he continues to do, that I am doing the right thing?

Beyond that, if I feared his anger before, he is going to be beyond livid when the new papers from the attorney show up. How do I go about protecting my heart from his vindictive, acidic, 5-year-old temper tantrums? (that's what our daughter calls them) . I am afraid of what he might do.

Answer: I’m perplexed about your initial description that you thought you had a fantastic marriage with the usual ups and downs but then go on to describe years of temper tantrums, belittling, controlling behaviors and verbal abuse that were standard fare even before you found out about all the lies and sexual acting out.

You wrote, “It’s not something a good Christian divorces over…” so I thought I’d live with it. Your marriage doesn’t sound so fantastic to me, even before you discovered all the lies and affairs.

Next you indicate that your husband is a master liar. He’s been able to keep his sexual addiction a secret for more than 20 years and you had no clue. So what I want you to ask yourself is this. When he convinced you to drop your attorney and agree to a financial settlement that he refused to sign because “my word is good” why would you believe that? His word has been anything but good.

Now a year later you continue to catch him in deceit and affairs and yet he’s telling everyone that although he’s messed up big time, he’s working hard to restore your trust. What exactly is he doing to restore your trust? Buying flowers doesn’t restore trust. Telling the truth, being accountable and keeping one’s word does. From what you have written, there is none of that.

So you have some tough choices to make but ones based on the evidence before you. From what you say, there is no evidence that your husband is repentant or working on changing his ways. Charm is deceitful and your husband oozes charm, but he’s lacking godly character.

Does your pastor know what’s going on? I know you are reluctant to tell your “story” to all of your mutual friends and I affirm your desire to not to put them in the middle but at the very least, your pastor needs to know the full story so that he can support you and as the shepherd of the flock, hold your husband accountable if he is actively involved in his church. Your pastor not only needs to know about the sexual addiction, but also the years of deceit, continued deceit and abusive behaviors.

I also think that you might need to sit down with your pastor either together or separately and work out a plan of what you are going to tell your mutual friends. Although he’s admitted messing up big time, he’s still being deceitful when he says “he’s working hard to restore your trust.” I think it would be more honest to say “I’ve messed up big time” and for you to say, “I don’t think that trust can be restored.”

You’ve decided to re-file the divorce papers. As you take this step you will need to accept that you will never receive everyone’s support. Some people will understand, other’s will not. It’s important as you take this step that you have a clear conscious and are sure of God’s leading. Also ask your church leaders (and their wives) to stand with you and affirm that you indeed have Biblical grounds for divorce (as you do). Without having to give all the details to all of your friends, the leadership support would be a big help with your Christian community.

Lastly you asked how you can protect your heart from his vindictive tantrums. Probably the best way is to limit your contact with him. I would encourage you to put up some really firm boundaries right now. For example, no phone calls. No personal contact. E-mails only (so you have everything in writing) or communicating through your attorneys.

One more thing. He will not like your strength as he’s used to manipulating and controlling what you do and how you think. If you don’t feel strong enough to be firm, surround yourself with some strong female friends who will help you stick to your resolve. He’s a sweet talker and seems good at convincing you that his lies are true.

Finally, remember that his tantrums and what he says and does is not about you and what you have done or haven’t done. Bottom line is that his actions and attitudes show you where his heart is. Jesus reminds us that it is “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:46). When someone’s about to vomit all over us, we don’t ask ourselves why they are doing that, we just get out of their way.