Favorite Books for 2011

Good morning friends,

I hope you had a wonderful holiday yesterday. Today I thought I’d keep it light. I love to read. I read fiction, non-fiction, and cereal boxes. Here are my three favorite books I’ve read this year. Please return the favor and share what your favorites are and why.


One Thousand Gifts by Ann VosKamp


Hands down one of my favorite books of all times! The writing is exquisite and thoughts profound. Her subtitle is A Dare to LIVE FULLY Right Where You Are. I am rereading it now and still find myself catching my breath in wonder.


Bonehoeffer by Eric Metaxas


If you are a history buff and want to better understand the church prior to WW 2 and the life of one of Christianity’s hero’s, Deitrich Bonehoffer, you will love this book. It is rich with history, with passion, and with the thoughts of a man who lived his life fully for Christ.


This Gorgeous Game by Donna Freitas


Every mother with a teenage daughter needs to read this book together and talk about it. It’s written for the adolescent or even preadolescent girl, but I loved it. A young girl wins a writing award and her prize is a year-long mentorship with a famous author who also happens to be a Catholic priest. The relationship begins to feel oppressive and Olivia is not sure whether to be flattered by her mentor’s attention or scared of his intrusiveness. How can she not be grateful? How can she say “no” to his demands? It’s about stalking, boundaries, inappropriate relationships and paying attention to your gut.

Grieving in the Holiday Season

Merry Christmas Friends,

Are you all ready for Christmas? Is the tree up and decorated, stockings hung, cookies baked, gifts bought, cards signed and sent, and presents all wrapped? I didn’t think so. But if there is such a person out there who has all this done, please share your magic secrets with the rest of us who are scrambling. From the responses, I will draw one person’s name (there is probably only one) for a free copy of my book, Lord, I Just Want to be Happy.

For the great majority of us, it’s probably best to accept that we won’t get it all done unless we forgo sleeping. Please don’t do that. Instead of trying to get it all done, take some time for yourself and enjoy the music, the beauty of the season, and the Lord.

I was meditating on Sara Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, which is a favorite for many of us. She writes for December 16th, “I speak in the language of Love; My words fill you with Life and Peace, Joy and Hope. I desire to talk with all of my children, but many are too busy to listen.”

Is this YOU? Are you too busy to listen? There is a huge difference between hearing something and truly listening. I’ve heard Christmas carols for weeks now, but I haven’t listened to them. I haven’t pondered their words, or felt their melody. They’ve been nothing more than background filler. They haven’t touched my heart.

I wonder if that’s what God’s Word becomes for many of us. We hear, but we don’t listen. We know the words, but they fail to move us. They don’t really change our heart.

God’s Word is meant to move us, to heal us, and to change us. The psalmist declares “He sent forth his Word and healed them.” (Psalm 107:20). And John writes, the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. And even then, we didn’t listen (John 1:10, 11).

Are you lacking hope, joy and peace even in this most joyous of seasons? Perhaps it’s because you’re not listening. You hear, but you don’t believe. The apostle Paul prays, “May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)

This Christmas, ask God for the gift of faith, so that you will be able to hear and listen to Jesus speaking his language of love to you personally.

Today’s Question: I am a widow of over four years. My husband was the love of my life. We met when I was 16 and married at 18. We had our struggles, but we loved each other deeply. We have two daughters. One was having our grandchildren, so we moved out to be near her. We built our dream home. I got transferred. My husband sold his business and started a new one at our new location, but then he developed panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. He went to the doctor, was prescribed antidepressant medication, but five days later he shot himself. My life forever changed. I have never known such pain, and for years I wanted to die too. I am doing better, but the sadness is always with me. Will this ever go away? I go on, despite my feelings, and do the best I can do to make my life.

I loved being married. I miss all the things that went with being married. I’ve been in counseling. I meditate and try to live for today and don’t look back, but it’s not easy. I still miss what I had. I remember all the cards that said your memories bring you comfort, but that’s not true. They only bring pain of what I had and don’t have now. Any suggestions?

Answer: I chose your question for this week because for so many people the holidays are not a happy time. They are filled with suffering and loss and other challenges that feel like they will go on forever. I’m so sorry for your pain. Losing a loved one is very difficult, but when it is also suicide, it is especially devastating.

There is no time table for grief. I imagine that you hear you should be “over it” by now. But for many, they don’t really get over it. They just move through it, and sometimes it takes a long time to get to the other side where they find themselves able to enjoy life again. Sadly, your husband wasn’t able to hope for a future that was different than his present. That’s why he felt desperate enough to end his life. It’s important that you remember that no matter how difficult your present is, God has a plan for your life, a plan with a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I recently read a powerful book called The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn. It chronicles the story of two families, Michael Spehn and Gina Spell, who each lost a spouse too young. Gina’s husband died Christmas day leaving her alone with two young boys. Michael’s wife died unexpectedly from a brain tumor. Nether Michael nor Gina minimize the loss and grief they suffered, but they also share the story of a future and a sense of purpose in what God is doing in the midst of their suffering. You may find it encouraging for you this season. Finding purpose in your suffering is one way we move through and deal with tragedy in a healthier way.

Another book that I found very helpful is Ann VosKamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts. She doesn’t pretend life is easy, but she powerfully reminds us that whatever happens, God is good and that one way we can chase out our negative feelings is to learn to give thanks in all things.

My good friend Georgia Shaffer, who is a Life Coach, wrote a newsletter this month on dealing with the holidays when you’re not so happy. I found her suggestions helpful; perhaps you will too. Georgia’s resources can be found at www.georgiashaffer.com.

Georgia writes:

It's that time of year when television commercials and magazine advertisements overflow with what seem like only bright, happy faces. But what if you are filled with a sense of loss, uncertainty, or dread? What if you are feeling discouraged or hopeless?

Unfortunately, the holidays accentuate those feelings. Whether you are facing the loss of income, lifestyle, health, relationships or a long-held dream, the holidays can be a painful reminder of what once was and no longer is. Although there are no quick fixes, here are a few suggestions:

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Recognize that the time of sorrow may coincide with the holiday season. Be willing to accept your sadness, disappointment, or anger rather than struggle and fight with it. Along with your holiday activities, give yourself time to process your pain. Allow yourself the space to reminisce, cry or journal your thoughts and feelings.

Let go of some old traditions.
Reduced energy accompanies loss and sadness. Be gentle with yourself and realize that your Thanksgiving and Christmas this year may not meet the American holiday dream. What is most important to you? You may choose to focus on meeting the needs of your family rather than baking dozens of cookies for friends and relatives. Next year you may have the strength to resume that tradition.

Develop new traditions.
If the sadness results from death or divorce, your significant other will no longer be part of the holidays. What new traditions can you establish? Reaching out to others helps to take the focus off your circumstances. Delivering flowers to a nursing home or calling someone who is alone often causes your problems to shrink.

Accept help and support.
Although most of us prefer to give help rather than receive it, sometimes it becomes necessary to accept emotional or physical support. Rest in the knowledge that God will provide for your needs and remember that in time, like winter, the season of sorrow will end.

Lastly, I’d encourage you to find a grief support group such as Grief Share that will give you the added support you still need. Sometimes we fear tiring out our friends with our sadness and therefore end up faking it a lot. Who knows better what you’re going through than other people who have also suffered a deep loss?

Even though it’s been four years, when you allow God to use you in the most tender areas of your own pain, you will begin to feel that sense of purpose and aliveness that you have lost with the death of your husband and loss of your marriage and future together. You still have a future and so ask God to show it to you.

Friends, especially those of you who may also have lost a loved one, what other resources, advice, or help can you offer this dear woman?

How Do I Handle My Husband's Defensiveness?

Good morning friends,

This is my 150th weekly blog. I can’t believe I’ve been writing these for three years. To celebrate you, I am going to give the first five (5) people who respond to this blog, a free copy of your choice of any book, CD or DVD in my current inventory. I want you to respond with some suggestions to help the person who is asking the question in this blog, “How can I respond to my husband’s defensiveness?”

So give her some suggestions, and then e-mail me at leslie@leslievernick.com with your snail mail address and what book or CD or DVD you’d like. We will sign it and send it off to you as my thank you gift for being such a great community.

I am back home now after a week in Florida, refreshed and rested, ready to begin writing my new book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. This next year I will be focused on this topic, especially in this blog, and I’m looking forward to your feedback as I write.

If you have questions that you wish were answered in this new book, please send them to me at leslie@leslievernick.com. As I am able, I will answer some of them in this blog throughout the year so you will actually have a sneak preview of the book to come. Also, please forward this blog to anyone else who you think might benefit from having some practical and biblical answers to marriage’s most difficult dilemmas. We will be having some contests and free give-a-ways throughout the year to keep it interesting.

And just a few more newsy items:

My December newsletter will be out Tuesday and it’s on a lesson God showed me this past week, called The Gift of the Sand Dollar. You won’t want to miss it. If you haven’t signed up yet, go to my website home page and sign up. It’s not too late.

For those of you who are e-reader fans or will be receiving an E-Reader such as Kindle or Nook for Christmas, my current book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship will be offered at a special discounted price of $2.99 from 12/22 to 1/3 only. It will be available for Kindle, Nook, Kobo and Sony Readers.

In the new year, I will be doing some free webinars on various topics. The first one will be in January and will answer the question, Does God want me to be Happy? One of the things I’ve really recognized this year is that people struggle with issues about being happy. This is a huge challenge and I’ve decided to do something about it.

So e-mail me and let me know what struggles you are having that prevent you from being happy or experiencing the joy, peace and love God desires for you.

Today’s Question: Whenever I say or do anything, my husband’s immediate reaction is defensiveness. For example, on Sunday I did two loads of laundry, we went to church, when we got back we ate lunch and I did the noon dishes (washed them)…I went for a walk, came back, took the recycle bins out of the van, put them in the garage, moved a wheel barrow that was still in the yard from Friday, took the laundry off the line and came in the house…dishes still in the same spot and our utility room floor needed sweeping. So I went to my husband who was watching football – and I just mentioned this to him. “Do you know what would really turn me on and make me happy? If when I’m out for a walk or when I’m running errands for you to take care of some things for me…like doing the dishes or sweeping the floor…”

Instead of a kind response like, “Oh I’m sorry. Did you want me to do that for you?” His response was the following. “You KNEW I liked football when you married me…huff…why are you making such a big deal…nothing is ever good enough for you…”

This is how he responds to everything I say or do. I feel I can’t do or say anything right in our relationship without a negative, belittling, blaming response…

He knows that when he responds to me this way it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.

What do you suggest short of hitting him over the head with a bat or getting a divorce--neither one are good options.

Answer: Before I even attempt to answer this, I want to invite you, my readers--both men and women--to chime in here and help this woman understand why her husband may be defensive and to give her other suggestions that will help their communication style. I’m sure she’s not alone in this merry-go-round, and so let’s put our collective wisdom together to help them break this cycle. Remember, the first five people who respond, receive their choice of a free book, CD or DVD.

First, let me say that most people (men and women) get defensive when they fear they are being criticized. Whether you are saying it nicely or not, you’re husband’s statements to you indicate that he feels you think he’s regularly letting you down and not measuring up to your expectations of a good husband.

As I’ve said many times in my writing, the only person you can change is you, so let’s begin by looking at what kinds of things you can do differently.

You wrote, “He knows that when he responds to me this way, it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.”

You can start breaking the cycle by asking yourself what’s your part of making things worse? You said, “He keeps doing it,” but you didn’t mention what your part is of making things worse. So begin by examining whether or not your negative statements, your “I statements” about what you’re unhappy about with him outweigh your positive statements to him. In any relationship when our negative statements are more frequent than our positive statements, it deteriorates.

Sometimes we believe that if we use “I statements”, they should always be taken positively. Let me give you a few examples of “I statements” and “you statements” that both sound critical, or like “you’re not good enough.”

For example, “I’m so tired of doing everything myself” verses “You never help me around the house.” Both statements are critical, one is a more direct attack; the other more implied.

A more positive “I statement” is, “I’d really like you to help me today get the house straightened up. When would be a good time, because I know you like football.”

Here’s another example: “I feel hurt that you never finished cleaning the bathroom like you said you would” verses “You’re so irresponsible, you never finish anything you start.” Again, both are critical.

A more positive “I statement” would be, “I’d really like you to finish cleaning up the bathroom today. Is that going to be a problem?”

Second, when your husband reacts defensively to one of your comments, how do you make it worse? Are you overly emotional? Do you give him the silent treatment? Is there an endless argument? Is the rest of the day/evening ruined?

In your e-mail to me, you implied a few times that your husband feels you’re overreacting to things. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but ask yourself are your expectations realistic? In other words, it may not be unreasonable for you to wish or hope that your husband would jump up while you were out on a walk and notice what needs to be done around the house and do it for you while you were away, or even to apologize to you when you call him on it, but is it realistic to expect that knowing who your husband is? Perhaps you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and for him to fail you when you expect him to do things that he’s probably not going to do at least without you directly asking and perhaps even reminding him to do it.

Third, it seems like you’ve lost sight (as he has) of the bigger picture at stake. The problem is no longer whether or not he helps you or finishes the chores he says he’ll do and then doesn’t. The problem is that you can’t talk together in a way that feels good for him and good for you. Does that mean that you just keep quiet and accept that you will do 90% of the work while he watches football? Or that you divorce?

I hope not, but I think you might try to talk with him in an adult to adult way about how you can’t talk together about things without him getting defensive and you getting sad, critical, or angry. Describe what happens between the two of you when he finally says to you, “I should just leave.”

I wonder what would happen if you changed two things in your approach to your husband. First, instead of talking about his defensiveness or lack of follow-through or lack of help, ask him what he means when he says, “nothing is ever good enough for you.” You say this is his standard response, but instead of getting defensive yourself, what would happen if you stopped and said, “What do you mean? How do I tell you nothing is good enough?” And then just listen to what he says.

Second, I wonder what would happen if you didn’t do it all yourself, but instead made every effort to look for the positive things your husband does do and share that for a while, leaving off the negative comments. See if his mood toward you changes and his defensiveness lessens. If it does, then understand you may be part of the problem. If it doesn’t, then you may need to take other measures to talk about the health of your relationship and what it means that you can’t have a normal conversation without some sort of put down, or belittling remark.

Most of the men that I’ve talked with throughout the years in counseling are not monsters who don’t care about their wives and only want to live selfishly and self-centeredly. I’ve found most of them deeply want to make their wives happy and proud of them, but never quite know how to do it. As soon as they think they’ve succeeded in one area, the rules change and now there’s another area that they need to change or do better. Over time when this cycle continues, they begin to feel hopeless, like I will never make her happy or proud of me and they begin to get cynical, resentful and bitter.

Please hear me, I’m not saying you are to blame you for your husband’s defensiveness. As human beings we ARE defensive. But when we feel unsafe and attacked, it usually gets worse. So if you don’t want to hit your husband over the head with a baseball bat and you don’t want to divorce him, you must try a new approach. Don’t do everything yourself, but instead try encouraging him in the things he does right. That may motivate him to do those kinds of things more often. Give it some time and see what happens.

How To Stop Making Christmas Happen For Everyone

Good morning friends,

This week I am in Florida at a beautiful condo on the Gulf of Mexico that some friends of mine graciously let me use to rest, read, think, pray and write. I probably will have a little fun too. But beauty is so restorative to my soul. As I’ve said before, it’s essential to our spiritual and emotional well-being.

So instead of writing an answer to a new question today, I’m going to repeat an answer I gave to a woman last year who was feeling resentful that no one helped her with holiday preparations. I thought some of you might be feeling the same way and could use some of these tips NOW so that you don’t end up angry and exhausted after the holidays.

Today’s Question: I’m angry, hurt and tired. It seems like I’m the only one doing all the preparations for making our holiday a nice one. If it weren’t for me, we’d have no tree, no presents, no cookies, and no Christmas dinner. But it’s not only the holidays that I feel this way. I feel like I carry the entire responsibility for everyone’s life to go well. Am I being selfish that I want someone to care about me and my needs once in a while? Signed a burned out wife and mom

Answer: No you are not selfish for wanting someone to notice that you are a person and not just a machine that makes sure everything goes well for the people in your life. That said, I find many women in your exact predicament. You over-function which enables the other people in your life to under-function. That’s fine once in a while or when there is a specific crisis, but when that becomes “normal routine” for a family, marriage or even workplace, it can lead to disaster.

Let me explain. When you do all the preparations and carry all the responsibility, people begin to see you in that role and expect you will continue. The perks of over-functioning is that you get total control (which some people want and that’s why they do it all). However, most people get worn out over time and begin to feel resentful and unloved (which by your letter is happening now). If you start to balk or complain or get crabby, your family members look annoyed and wonder what is wrong with you? If you ask for help they either ignore you because they are used to you doing it all, or they give you such an attitude it’s just easier and more peaceful to do it all yourself.

When this happens in a marriage or family, it’s important for you to realize that it not only hurts you to carry the entire load, it hurts them not to help you. You are not doing anyone any favors by allowing them to think you can do it all while they relax on the couch watching television, sit in front of the computer playing games, or do their own fun things. It only enables selfishness to flourish and for your resentment and bitterness to grow-- a lose/lose pattern.

So how do we change this pattern? It starts with you. You have to be willing to relinquish control of everything and how things are going to be. Next, speak up to whoever your change will affect. Begin this dialogue by taking the entire responsibility for over-functioning (don’t blame your family) but state that you are no longer going to continue. Tell them that you are tired and starting to feel angry and resentful toward them and don’t want to have those negative feelings so YOU are going to change. You must be willing to let go of control of how it’s going to be and then spell out what you are no longer going to do specifically. For example you might say something like this:

Hey guys, I need to apologize for being so crabby lately. I think the reason I get that way is that I feel like I have to do everything in order to make it a nice Christmas for you all. But then it’s not a very nice Christmas when I get upset and resentful is it? So I’d like to simplify the decorating--I’m going to get an artificial tree so it’s not a hassle going out and cutting one down and I’m not going to bake anymore. It’s just too much work and I don’t want to feel resentful that you guys don’t want to chip in to help. I’m realizing that perhaps my expectations were too high and those things just aren’t important to you so I’m going to let them go.

Now, you HAVE to mean it if you say it. Here’s what will happen next. If those things are important to them and they do want a real tree or home baked cookies, then they can offer to take responsibility or help to make sure they happen. If they don’t, then you must LET THEM GO in order to demonstrate that you will not carry the entire load anymore. Until your husband or children experience the consequences when you stop over-functioning, they won’t begin to pick up the slack.

Here’s another example of a possible speak-up dialogue:

Honey, I’ve gotten burned out in the past with all the gift buying for everyone, so this year I’d like it if you took the responsibility for getting the gifts for your family. I don’t care what you get them but I don’t want to carry the entire load anymore. If you don’t want to do that, just let your family know that we won’t be exchanging gifts with them this year because I can’t do it all.

Many of you reading this are seeing lots of other areas where you over-function and allow your family to neglect carrying their own load of caring for themselves and caring about you. Please understand that God doesn’t want you to sacrifice yourself in order to allow someone else to be lazy or selfish.

The Bible says two things that at first glance appear to contradict one another but both are true. First, we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), and second, each person is to carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). Both teachings are true. We carry another’s burden when he or she is unable to carry his/her burdens alone. However, when we carry a load for someone who is perfectly capable of carrying it themselves, we enable that person to under-function and that hurts them. It allows them to stay lazy, dependent, selfish and self-absorbed. As C.S. Lewis so wisely wrote, “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

It’s not too late. It’s only December 5th. Delegate and let go and you enjoy the season for a change.