Leslie Vernick

How do I revive a wilting marriage?

2012-02-03T13:15:00.011-05:00

Hi Friends,

This past week I did my very first webinar on Does God Want Us to Be Happy. It was exciting to venture into this new opportunity to teach more of you and reach a wider audience. We had over 400 people in attendance from across the world and got great feedback from those who participated. You still have time to join in on the next three sessions. Click here for more details.

I’m also planning to develop a new webinar series this year on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage so be sure to stay tuned to future newsletters for more details.

In addition, I’m opening up five (5) new coaching spots after February 15th. If you’re interested in an application, please contact me at leslie@leslievernick.com.

Question: My marriage isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great either. I often think I married the wrong person and that I would be happier with someone different. How do I learn to love the person I married instead of always dreaming of what might have been?

Answer: Believe it or not, your situation is not all that uncommon. I’ve talked with many women who do not have a bad marriage but are unhappy with the person they are married to. The love they once felt toward their husband, they no longer feel. Or, as they look back, they realize that they married their husband for the wrong reason like wanting to get out of their parent’s home or to have children.

That said, you are married, so what do you do? You have a couple of choices, none of which may feel very appealing to you right now. One is you can continue to regret your choice, live in “what if” and be unhappy. Sadly, if you continue to do that, your marriage will get worse. You cannot change the past. You cannot relive your decision. Living in regret is a waste of time and energy. You did it, it’s done. Move on.

That brings you to your next two choices. One is to give up. You can choose to end your marriage. I don’t say that lightly nor do I believe that is the best choice, but it is a choice. God allows us free will even if we choose poorly. But divorce is not an easy decision and is not without serious consequences relationally, spiritually, emotionally and financially.

I’m glad your question is really about the third choice. How might you learn to love the person you married? I have some friends who are in an arranged marriage. When they married, they were virtually strangers. But they have learned to love each other. It is probably not the Hollywood, romantic version of Valentine love, but a deep trust, a safe harbor type of love which endures over the ups and downs of family life.

Here are some things you can do which will help you come to better love the man you’re married to. I call them the five A’s of relationship revival: Acceptance, Attention, Affirmation, Admiration and Affection.

1. Acceptance: No one has a perfect marriage or perfect spouse. Learn to be content with the person you married instead of trying to remake him into the person you think he should be.

You said that it is not a bad marriage. What’s good about it? Is your husband faithful? Good with the children? Does he provide for your well-being financially? Is he handy with house repairs? No one gets all 52 cards in the deck when they marry. All of us have strengths and weaknesses, and the things that bug us the most after marriage are often the things that we loved the most while dating. For example, I love that my husband enjoys doing things with me and talking, however he’s not crazy about tackling work around the house. I can focus on what he doesn’t do, but when I do that I feel more and more upset, lose sight, and forget to give thanks for all the good things he does do.

2. Attention: In all of life, what you don’t maintain deteriorates. This is true with your nails, your body, your home, your car, and it’s true with your marriage. Make time for your husband and marriage. Take the time to talk, to play, and to have romance together. Even if you’re not always in the mood, being intentional about giving attention puts the structure in place to build on the other things in your marriage. When you were dating, you probably spent lots of quality time together. That’s what helped bond you together. When you don’t invest the time, don’t expect to get the results.

3. Affirmation: Think about the things that drew you to him in the first place. Was he a strong leader? Perhaps he was very kind and generous, funny, or a good money manager. Let your mind remember his good qualities. When he gets home, tell him how much you like or appreciate those qualities in him.

4. Admiration: Affirmation is more external, it is something we do. Admiration is more internal. It is something that we feel towards another person. But our feelings are linked to our thoughts, and so we must train our mind to give thanks and dwell on our husband’s good points, not his weaknesses. The apostle Paul tells us to think on the positive things in life, not the negative things (Philippians 4:8). In this passage, Paul’s not pretending that there aren’t negative things, but if we dwell on them we will make ourselves unhappy.

5. Affection: Every human being needs touch. Put your arm through your husband’s arm during a movie or church service. Hold hands. Rub his back. If you’re wary that you’ll be giving your husband the message you want sex, (and do not) then do it in a more public place or at a time when more romance is not possible. However, good sex is a way to improve marital intimacy. Remember, talk and touch are the primary ways we build intimacy.

I challenge you to faithfully work on doing these things. Let me know if your feelings toward your husband and your marriage improve.

Consequences or Punishment?

2012-01-30T11:53:00.005-05:00

Good Monday Morning friends,

I’m so excited. We have over 500 people registered for the free webinar on Wednesday night, February 1 at 9PM ET answering the question, Does God Want me to Be Happy? It’s not too late to join us, and we’d love to have you attend. Click here for more information or to register.

This week’s question: I've read some of your books, and I wholeheartedly believe that I deserve to be treated better than I am. This crazy cycle isn't ok, and it must stop one way or another. I'm on-board with that much.

My trouble is that I need some help thinking creatively about what natural consequences might be. It's easy when it's a little kid. For example: "You know the rules; until you can respect the furniture and sit on it properly (rather than jumping), you may not use it. Here...sit on the floor to have your lunch and maybe tomorrow you can use the furniture again properly."

What do you do with a husband and that crazy cycle? I can go toe-to-toe when I have to, but really what I want to do is run far, far away. In these times, I want nothing but out of this relationship.

I desire to be treated properly, but don't know another reaction other than fight it out (which gets sooooo old) or flee. Those are my two stand-by's. However, I don't like it (actually it angers me) that I don't know any other reaction. What actions could I take instead? Can you give some practical examples of how to dance differently?

Answer: First of all let me commend you that you even want to dance differently and you’re not happy with your own “reactions”. Let’s take the metaphor of the dance. If you were dancing with someone and they repeatedly stepped on your toes, what would a “natural” consequence be, especially after you kindly asked them to be more careful or to stop dancing that way? If they would not change their behavior, then you would have to dance differently yourself if you wanted your toes to stop hurting.

That might mean you stop slow dancing with that person or you let go of his hands and step back and dance separately. If he pulls you back into the embrace of a slow dance, then you stop dancing once again and say, “I won’t close dance with you because you’re stepping on my toes. That hurts me, and I’ve asked you to stop and you haven’t. Until you learn to dance with me without stepping on my toes, I am not able to slow dance with you.

Now it’s his turn to make a choice. Either he will stop dancing altogether with you, dance separately, or learn how to dance without stepping on your toes. Meanwhile, he may scream and blame you that you’re being too sensitive, unreasonable, unsubmissive, mean spirited, and sinful because you won’t dance with him like he wants.

This is where we get fuzzy headed and manipulated. We do want to dance with our spouse, and we do want to dance closely. We also believe that it is God’s will and what we promised when we got married. Therefore, we feel guilty pulling away or putting boundaries down. We look inside and think maybe we were too sensitive or selfish.

It doesn’t help when he screams and accuses and blames until we can’t think straight. So we try harder and go back to dancing close, but when he steps on our toes again and we can’t take it anymore, we blow up or run away. This pattern repeats itself again and again as a person gets lured in or dragged back into the same old dance where your toes keep getting stepped on.

So, you asked for some practical ways to implement consequences when your husband is abusive toward you. You don’t mention specifically what is happening so I can’t coach you in specific strategies but here are some general principles about consequences.

It’s important that we understand that we are not punishing our spouse (as a parent might punish a child). That is not our role and it is inappropriate. Consequences are meant to wake us up and help us to see more clearly. The pain of our sin is meant to teach us not to repeat the same things over and over again. The scriptures are clear, what a man sows he reaps (Galatians 6:7). When a man sows discord, abuse, enmity, strife, and pain in a marital relationship, there is a natural consequence. He doesn’t reap the benefits of a good marriage relationship.

If he didn’t experience that painful consequence, it would enable him to stay deceived into thinking that he can act sinfully and not suffer any consequences. That is not the truth. So painful consequences have a way of helping a person change his sinful ways because he doesn’t like or want that PAIN of the consequences.

I think this is where many Christian women have been misadvised and foolish. They have put up with terrible treatment and still tried to provide the relational closeness of a healthy, loving marriage. That enables the husband to deceive himself into thinking that it is “her problem” and “she makes me act this way”. The lie is that it doesn’t matter how I behave or treat her, she’s my wife for life, God hates divorce, and therefore I’m entitled to the perks of a good marriage. That is not biblical wisdom, nor healthy reality testing.

So here are some natural consequences for an abusive relationship:

1. Call the police and press charges if he is physically abusive. The longer you make excuses or put up with it, the more aggressive he will become. A night or time in jail helps someone see that what they are doing is not only wrong, it is illegal and you will not allow yourself or your children to be physically abused.

2. When he becomes verbally aggressive, end the conversation. Simply walk away when he begins his screaming or verbal assault. Remind him that you will not allow yourself to be spoken to that way. Do not argue with those boundaries. If he follows you, go to a bedroom and lock the door. If he breaks it down, call the police. Always make sure you carry a cell phone with you and have it preprogrammed to 911.

3. If he verbally assaults you in a closed area such as a car, refuse to drive with him. Drive yourself separately because he can’t control himself. He loses the privilege of your company when he mistreats you.

4. Exit the situation if it is escalating. If you need to leave the house because you feel in danger, whether emotionally, physically or sexually, you need to have a safety plan in place. That might mean putting a spare car key in the garage or under a planter, packing a suitcase and hiding it in the trunk or garage, or making sure your children know that when you say a certain phrase, they all exit the house and get into the car. If you’ve been through the cycle, you can tell when he’s getting himself worked up. You don’t have to stay for the blow-up stage. Leave. The consequences for his inability to control his temper and his tongue (or his hands) is the loss of your company (for a hour, for an evening, for a season).

5. Separation. If someone repeatedly refuses to listen and you are in a position to do so, separation can be a very effective consequence for this kind of behavior. It has the potency to “wake him up” and let him know that he cannot continually act abusively towards someone and expect that they will still want to be in a loving relationship with him. Separating often begins to open the abusers eyes for the first time that you are a separate individual with your own thoughts, your own feelings and your own needs. Before you return back into the relationship, however, it’s important that he not only “see” what he’s done wrong, but that he’s gotten help in respecting your “no” and with the ability to tolerate and manage his own negative emotions.

6. End the relationship. Some Biblical scholars disagree on whether or not abuse is a biblical reason to dissolve a marriage. Certainly, it would be a last resort after all other steps have been taken. But it is a natural consequence of this kind of behavior. When someone repeatedly abuses someone else without repentance, without remorse, and without change, what are the alternatives? The choices are continued separation, continued abuse, or ending the relationship. Sometimes the abuse continues throughout the separation and end of a marriage through legal harassment, child custody disputes, and withholding of finances.

In addition, although these are not technically consequences, I want to give you some things you can say when your husband is starting his tirade. You say your pattern typically is to either “fight it out or flee”. Instead, try saying one of these phrases and then walk away: “Just because you think that way doesn’t make it true” or “I’m not going to argue about that” or “That wasn’t appropriate or a nice thing to say” or “I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way.” Again those statements will not transform your spouse, but it will open his eyes a bit to you as a separate person who is not going to allow herself to be bullied, badgered, manipulated and mistreated. As you gain respect for yourself and handle yourself in godly ways, you will exert a powerful influence on your husband and children. And, those are good things.

Hear me. You can make a bad relationship better all by yourself by not escalating the conflict, not retaliating, not repaying evil for evil and not engaging when someone is pushing your buttons, but as much as you desire a good marriage, you cannot make a bad marriage a good marriage all by yourself.

In closing, here just a few verses from Proverbs that tell us the results and consequences of living with a difficult person:

22:3 A prudent man forsees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.

22:8 He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow.

23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words.

23:10 Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave; yes, strive and reproach will cease.

24:25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Am I enabling my new husband and understanding God's perfect will?

2012-01-23T10:24:00.004-05:00

Good Monday morning friends,

I want to invite you to my very first webinar on Wednesday, February 1st at 9:00 PM ET. Far too many people think that they have to suffer in order to live a God-ly life. They find themselves wallowing in negative feelings, dealing with feelings of overwhelm and experiencing intense sadness. I'm sharing the keys to living a happy, joyous and fulfilled life according to God's plan in a special free webinar. For more information or to register, go to http://www.leslievernick.com/registration.html.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend. My girlfriends and I are choosing words to define or clarify our focus and goals for this New Year. One friend chose “Remember”, another chose “Everything”, another “Learn” and another “Strong”.

They also picked verses to go with them which are below.

“Be STRONG and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” Joshua 1:7

“God's divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him, who called us by His own goodness and glory.” 2 Peter 1.3

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4.6

I thought it was a great exercise, so I wanted to challenge you to think of a word or phrase, with an accompanying verse, that will help keep you on track. Last year my word was “Presence”. This year I’ve chosen two words, Balance and Purposeful. I want my life to reflect the Apostle Paul’s prayer when he prays,

“And this is my prayer: that my love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that I may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” Philippines 1:9-11

How about you? Share with us your word or phrase for 2012.

This week’s question: I googled how to deal with controlling people/spouse and I found your articles. It is the first time in Christian circles I have ever heard anything about dealing with an abusive spouse. In the churches we were in, everyone just put on a front.

I’ve been divorced from my abusive spouse for about 4 years. He was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive, but upon reading your article I see how I perpetuated that by trying really hard to be the submissive wife. I had a slanted view. He was sooo angry and acted like he hated/despised me. He would not go to counseling. We were both teachers of the Word and leaders in the church.

I was afraid of him getting mad. I was afraid of him. When I would finally protest, he would just get more angry.

I am married again and my friend tells me I am enabling my new husband. My new husband has learning disabilities and is almost 70 years old so I have compassion for him just like I did my last husband, who had a bad childhood, so I do most of the work, etc. Is this wrong? Am I just making it too easy for him?

I am also carrying a lot of guilt because of the sin of divorce. I fell in love with my second husband while married to my first because my second husband showed me the love that I never had from my first. I have repented of course, but feel like I took a wrong turn now and am not where I am supposed to be and cannot be used by the Lord.

Would you have recommended divorce from the first spouse if he was unwilling to change?

Answer: Wow you asked quite a few questions, and I’ll try to cover most of them. The one I can’t answer is your last one, would I have recommended divorce in your situation. I never recommend divorce to anyone. I don’t think it is my place to recommend such a life-changing decision as to whether or not someone should continue to persevere in a destructive marriage or not. My role is to listen carefully, to help clarify what is really going on, and then help the person get healthy and strong enough to make wise and biblical decisions on how to handle it. In my opinion, divorce is always the last resort when all other efforts to reconcile and bring true peace in the marriage have repeatedly failed.

So let me move on to your question about all the guilt you feel about having an affair with your second husband while still married to your first husband. Guilt is an appropriate emotion anyone should feel when he or she breaks God’s commands. It is hardwired into our conscious. It helps us not to repeat sinful behavior because we feel bad.

You say that you repented of your sin, so I wonder if you’re still struggling with guilty feelings because you don’t believe you’re truly forgiven. Or, perhaps your guilt has morphed into regret. You regret that you rushed ahead of God’s best for you by getting involved with another man while still married to your husband, and now the waters are muddied and you are unclear of God’s will and his purposes for you.

If it’s more unbelief, then understand you are in a spiritual battle. If Satan can’t get us to fall by tempting us with sin, then he will accuse us with our sin and remind us how unworthy we are of God’s forgiveness, mercy and grace. We might think things like, “God hates divorce so he must hate me because I got divorced.” Or “God hates adultery so how could he love me when I was so foolish?”

Jesus cautions us that Satan is a liar and deceiver and accuser (John 8). God’s grace is so good that it even covers the sins God hates most. That’s why it’s called amazing grace. Don’t let Satan rob you of your peace or joy of forgiveness by accusing you of your sin. Notice David’s confession and relief after he received God’s forgiveness for his sexual sin against Bathsheba (Psalm 51). We must choose to believe what God says, that “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” Psalm 103:12

Remember, God doesn’t forgive us because we’re worthy of it, he forgives us because he wants to. The psalmist said, “O Lord, You are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.” (Psalm 86:5 NLT). Can you believe God is that good? That willing to forgive and that loving?

On the other hand if you’re struggling with regret because you fear that you’ve missed God’s best for you, confess that too. I think most of us can relate. We look back on things in our past that we wished we had done differently and wonder if we have been forever doomed to God’s plan B because we got off track.

I’ve just finished reading through Genesis (I’m reading through the Bible this year), and most of the characters, Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca and Jacob and Esau, sinned big time and made huge mistakes. Yet God still used them and his plan was not thwarted. In a nutshell, God’s perfect will for us is not that complicated. Paul says that it is God’s will that we mature and live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4:1-7).

Could you have learned to do that in your first marriage? Yes. Can you still learn to do that now? Yes. You have not missed God’s best for you if you believe what he tells you. The Apostle Paul says God’s best for you is to conform you to the image of Christ and he will use all things for your good (even your sins and mistakes) to accomplish that purpose (Romans 8:28,29). When we believe that, then we know that his work in our life is not finished. He is still shaping you even in this new marriage you’re in.

That brings me to your question of whether or not you are enabling your new husband. Again I can’t know for sure because I don’t know what specific disabilities he has that make him incapable of doing his fair share around the house or to contribute to the marriage. But sometimes our compassion for someone does motivate us to do things for people that they should be doing for themselves. For example, if an adult child doesn’t have enough money to pay his or her bills, any parent would feel badly and be tempted to help, especially if his car is repossessed or she has to move out of her apartment.

However, if the reason they don’t have enough money is that they won’t work, or won’t work at a menial job, or he or she spends money foolishly, then for you to step in and pay the bill because you feel bad would only enable their irresponsibility or laziness. On the other hand, if your child was struggling with serious health difficulties, or an unexpected job loss or an emergency that took more money then was available, of course you would help if you could.

If your husband is capable of helping you with the housework or contributing financially but he refuses because you “do it” just fine, then your compassion is misplaced. If he refuses to do things for himself and you pick up the slack, then you are enabling him to be childish, lazy, selfish, or stuck. You are keeping him from maturing into the man God calls him to be and, in the long run, that is not loving him well.

Sometimes the boundaries between being compassionate and being co-dependent are not always as clear cut as my examples. That’s why we need help to gain clarity to see what’s really going on so we can gain the courage to make the necessary changes. Ask your friend what she sees that make her think you are repeating some of your past enabling behaviors in this marriage and then bring those things to God and talk with him about it. You said some of your misunderstanding of submission caused you to put up with abusive behavior far too long in your first marriage. Perhaps some of your misunderstanding of love and compassion are also causing you to enable behavior that needs to change in this marriage.

Husband says he's sorry and will change, but doesn't. Now what?

2012-01-16T09:45:00.005-05:00

Good morning friends,

Do you have people in your life who will tell you the truth? I do and am thankful for that. Remember the childhood story, The Emperor’s New Clothes? No one had the courage to honestly tell the king that he was naked. What happens in our lives if we have no one who will honestly speak the truth?

To learn more about why that’s important, please sign up for my newsletter at www.leslievernick.com which will be coming out tomorrow (January 17th). I am also going to be doing a free webinar Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 9:00 PM ET answering the question whether or not God wants us to be happy and what that really looks like. The webinar will be about 45 minutes long followed by a live question and answer time. If you’ve always wanted to ask me some questions, here’s your chance!

In order to get the webinar sign-up information to you, please submit your e-mail address to my website at www.leslievernick.com.

This week’s question: My husband has had two affairs, he throws things when he’s angry, abandons me for days at a time after an argument, and now has just completely detached himself from our family. He also lies about his whereabouts. I want to be the wife God has called me to be, but I can’t continue this way. My husband always says he is sorry and will change, but these behaviors continue to resurface. Please help.

Answer: I think the first question you must settle is what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be for your husband? Is it a wife that allows herself to be abused, abandoned, lied to, and cheated on with no consequences?

You say I can’t continue this way. I don’t blame you. No one would want to be married this way. But I think your dilemma is that although you can, with God’s help, be the wife that God wants you to be, that doesn’t guarantee that your husband will become the husband God wants him to be or that you want him to be.

But the question remains, what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be here? Do you think he wants you to be passive and continue to live with a man who lies to you, cheats on you, leaves you, and scares you when he’s angry? Or, might God be calling you to love your husband in such a courageous way that you boldly confront his sinfulness, refuse to accept his excuses, and, if he wants to remain married to you, require him to show through his behaviors that he’s repentant and truly wants to change. His words are meaningless. He lies. If he wants to be married, it’s time that he takes specific and consistent action steps that demonstrate that he’s serious and willing to work hard to change.

What might that look like? For starters, he needs to get some accountability partners that will help him stay honest, engaged, and sexually faithful. He needs a plan to help him learn how to manage his emotions when he’s angry or hurt so that he doesn’t get destructive, deceitful, or disengage for long periods of time. Obviously he hasn’t been able to change these habit patterns by himself, so he will need to get professional or pastoral help to learn how to deal with his emotions and understand why he does the things he does. These changes do not happen quickly or painlessly but, with God’s help, are possible for the person who is committed and teachable.

I think you fear that if you hold your husband to these necessary changes and he refuses, then what? I’m going to tell you the unvarnished truth. Your relationship is broken. You may stay legally married, you may even still live together, but you cannot have a good marriage if your husband will not change.

Hear me. You can make a bad marriage better all by yourself (by not retaliating or repaying evil for evil), but you cannot make a bad marriage a good marriage all by yourself no matter how good a wife you are. We only have to read through the book of Jeremiah to see how God longed for Israel to repent, to come to her senses and change, but she would not. God loved Israel, but He could not and would not have a close and intimate relationship with her until she was willing to change her sinful, adulterous, deceitful ways.

God knows what you’re going through. Let him empower you to be the wife he wants you to be and the wife your husband most desperately needs. You don’t have to live this way.

Setting Boundaries With an Adult Daughter

2012-01-06T10:18:00.004-05:00

Morning Friends,

I’m in Texas this week with some of my writing and speaking girlfriends. We do this once a year. It’s called Spa Week--although we’re not really at a spa. We’re at a Christian retreat center, in our sweats and sneakers, doing some exercising, walking and eating right, compliments of Carole Lewis and her group, First Place 4 Health. Each January she invites us to be pampered, fed and ministered to so that we are refreshed in mind, body and spirit to minister to others. Thank you Carole and First Place 4 Health!

Question: My adult daughter has moved back home after making a mess out of her life. I think I’ve enabled her to be too dependent on me and now she is acting like an angry teenager instead of a responsible adult. What can I do to help her?

Answer: I hear this so often. Well-meaning parents have crippled their children by not teaching them how to stand on their own two feet. My definition of a good parent is that you work yourself out of your job. In other words, your kids don’t need you in order to function anymore. With that said, you can’t change your daughter. But you can identify and own your problem.

What is that? You have given too much. You’ve been too nice and that may be one reason she is not taking responsibility for her own life. Unfortunately, this kind of unhealthy relationship fosters a love/hate relationship between you and your child. She loves you and is dependent on you and hates you for always being right and having to “need” you.

To change this dynamic, you will need to figure out why you have been overindulgent with your child for so long. Are you afraid to say no? Are you anxious that if she doesn’t need you, she won’t have a relationship with you? Do you pity her and believe she can’t do it without you? This is an important step so that you don’t revert back to rescuing her when things get hard for her.

Second, you need to evaluate what is in her best interest. I know you love your child, but godly love acts in the beloved’s best interests, not just what feels good. I’m sure you didn’t give your child candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner, even if she screamed for it because you know that wasn’t good for her. It is the same principle here. To change things, you will have to say no to her requests for help, not to be mean, but because it is good for her to learn to figure out some things for herself.

Third, you need to let her know how you are changing. I talk about this in section two of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship in detail.

Let me give you a sample speak up dialogue that you may want to share or write to your daughter.

I love you. You are my child and nothing will ever change my love for you. But I realize now that I haven’t always given you what you needed most. I have given you lots of things, probably too much, but I have not given you the confidence that you can manage your life just fine without me. I fear you have grown too dependent on me to solve your problems, to rescue you from your financial woes, and to provide your living space, when at this age, you should be doing these things on your own.

I will take responsibility for my part. I now see that by giving in to you, I didn’t help you grow up. I know you are in a tight spot right now and have moved back home but I want you to know that this is only a temporary solution. I expect you to get a job, work hard and save money toward moving out on your own. You will need to pay room and board while you’re here so that you learn that you have to be responsible for your bills and your life.

I want to have a good relationship with you, and we will not have one if I treat you like a child and you behave as one. I want us to respect and care for each other as adults.

If you haven’t done step 1 and 2 first, it will be hard for you to stick with your resolve. Make a plan as to how you will respond when she cries, complains, criticizes you, or doesn’t pay her room and board. Remember, you can’t make her be responsible or mature at this point in her life. That is her job. However, you can create an atmosphere where it is more likely that she will make those choices.

Are You Living by Faith or by Fear?

2012-01-02T14:59:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year Friends,

Are you the kind of person who makes New Years’ Resolutions? I am. I was just going back over last year’s goals and was happy I met some of them, but other’s I totally forgot about it. How about you? What resolutions did you manage to actually keep or change through 2011 and what got pushed back to the backburner of your life?

I’ve found that when we are serious about making change, it helps to have some structure and accountability. For example, if you want to lose weight, structure means that you have a meal plan or specific diet you are following that you know how to do and are taking time to work into your daily routine. Accountability means that you share your goals with someone who can encourage you to reach them. Accountability also may be that you weigh yourself every few days to see if what you are doing is working.

Let’s share with one another the change we want to make this next year and what structure and accountability we are putting in place to reach it.

I am going to read through the Bible this year, so I have downloaded a reading plan that I check off every day. (That’s my structure). My accountability is that I’m telling you all what I am going to do and will have to report to you in 2013 whether or not I reached that goal. Knowing I will have to tell you will help me to actually push to reach my goal.

FYI--I will be a guest on Moody Mid-Day Connection radio program on Tuesday, January 3rd at 12:00 CT talking about depression proofing your life. You can call in with your questions or comments at (877) 548-3675 or (877) LIVE-675 or go to http://www.facebook.com/middayconnection#!/middayconnection

Today’s Question: I read your blog on “Making Christmas Happen for Everyone” (December 5th blog). I have done your suggestions. However, what I experience from my husband when I act in the ways you describe is rage, anger, bitterness and resentment, and it’s not because I didn’t say it right. It’s because he’s not getting his own way, and it’s becoming too much for me to handle (it’s been 25 years).

I believe the next step is to seek a counselor who can help us both communicate better and respect each other, and then allow my husband the gift of consequences if he chooses not to work on these issues. I signed up for a mutual relationship, not a servant/master relationship, and I plan to hold him to his word--lovingly.

I believe, from my experience with my husband, that he will not cooperate with anything and will give me the ultimatum, “Take it or leave it. You have the problem.”

What do you think? Speaking up terrifies me because I don’t know what could happen, and rocking the boat causes a lot of anger, not just in our marriage but in the whole family.

Do you have anything to offer besides trust in the Lord, pray, and don’t be afraid or anxious for nothing. I know these wonderful truths, but even Jesus cried and exuded blood from his pores. Even Moses was scared. Even Abraham doubted when he walked the journey to place Isaac on the altar. All of these emotions are part of being human, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. My family is very dear to me, and I’m afraid that if I put my foot down it will only get worse. Is it wrong to just want peace and rest? I know God won’t give us more than we can handle, but I am so very tired and afraid of the outcome.

Answer: You are right--we are human and we all have real and raw emotions when we live in stressful situations where there is continual conflict, bullying and disrespect.

Your letter indicates you are conflicted about this change you want to make. On the one hand, you say you are very tired of living this way and are ready to make a serious attempt at real change. On the other hand, you are very afraid that the change you desire won’t occur and, by standing up to him, things could get worse.

I was just reading today in the Psalms. It said, “My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war (Psalm 120:6,7 NKJV). Your situation reminds me of many marriages where one person wants peace, but when she or he finally speaks up, it just causes more drama, more hatred, more conflict.

You’re right. Just because you finally take a stand and say “I didn’t sign up for a slave/master relationship” doesn’t mean that your husband will be willing to move toward a more mutual marriage. As long as he’s the master and you’re willing to be the slave, it works for him. However, perhaps he’s just as frightened of change as you are or just as unhappy.

So you ask if there is anything I can offer besides the standard trust God and don’t be anxious? It’s sad to me that we don’t find the comfort and healing in God’s word that he wants us to, but I understand what you are saying.

Here’s what I want you to know. God designed marriage to be a mutually loving and respectful relationship, not a slave/master one. Because that is God’s will for marriage, know that he is on the side of the oppressed when one person takes power over another and uses words, money, physical force or the scriptures to dominate and control the other.

When you respectfully speak up against injustice and oppression in a marriage (or anywhere else for that matter), know that God is on your side. If the other person refuses to listen, the gift of consequences can be a painful but helpful reminder that he or she will not reap the benefits of a good marriage when they sow discord and selfishness.

Sadly, when we are in close relationship with people (as in marriage and family) and one person receives painful consequences, often the entire family also suffers. That’s what you fear and rightly so.

So I think the next step you need to ask yourself in this whole process is do you want to live in fear--fear of staying or the fear of leaving--or do you want to live in faith (whether you think it wise to leave or stay)? Faith that God knows your story. Faith that God is bigger than your story. Faith that God has a plan for your life, and he is your helper in times of trouble.

It’s interesting to me that the psalmist says both, “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:11), and “When I am afraid, I will trust God” (Psalm 56:3). There are times our faith is so big we don’t feel fear. Other times, we are so filled with fear that we will be overwhelmed by it if we don’t trust God.

I pray you choose faith, even when you feel fear.

Favorite Books for 2011

2011-12-23T13:33:00.012-05:00

Good morning friends,

I hope you had a wonderful holiday yesterday. Today I thought I’d keep it light. I love to read. I read fiction, non-fiction, and cereal boxes. Here are my three favorite books I’ve read this year. Please return the favor and share what your favorites are and why.

One Thousand Gifts by Ann VosKamp

Hands down one of my favorite books of all times! The writing is exquisite and thoughts profound. Her subtitle is A Dare to LIVE FULLY Right Where You Are. I am rereading it now and still find myself catching my breath in wonder.

Bonehoeffer by Eric Metaxas

If you are a history buff and want to better understand the church prior to WW 2 and the life of one of Christianity’s hero’s, Deitrich Bonehoffer, you will love this book. It is rich with history, with passion, and with the thoughts of a man who lived his life fully for Christ.

This Gorgeous Game by Donna Freitas

Every mother with a teenage daughter needs to read this book together and talk about it. It’s written for the adolescent or even preadolescent girl, but I loved it. A young girl wins a writing award and her prize is a year-long mentorship with a famous author who also happens to be a Catholic priest. The relationship begins to feel oppressive and Olivia is not sure whether to be flattered by her mentor’s attention or scared of his intrusiveness. How can she not be grateful? How can she say “no” to his demands? It’s about stalking, boundaries, inappropriate relationships and paying attention to your gut.

Grieving in the Holiday Season

2011-12-19T10:08:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas Friends,

Are you all ready for Christmas? Is the tree up and decorated, stockings hung, cookies baked, gifts bought, cards signed and sent, and presents all wrapped? I didn’t think so. But if there is such a person out there who has all this done, please share your magic secrets with the rest of us who are scrambling. From the responses, I will draw one person’s name (there is probably only one) for a free copy of my book, Lord, I Just Want to be Happy.

For the great majority of us, it’s probably best to accept that we won’t get it all done unless we forgo sleeping. Please don’t do that. Instead of trying to get it all done, take some time for yourself and enjoy the music, the beauty of the season, and the Lord.

I was meditating on Sara Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, which is a favorite for many of us. She writes for December 16th, “I speak in the language of Love; My words fill you with Life and Peace, Joy and Hope. I desire to talk with all of my children, but many are too busy to listen.”

Is this YOU? Are you too busy to listen? There is a huge difference between hearing something and truly listening. I’ve heard Christmas carols for weeks now, but I haven’t listened to them. I haven’t pondered their words, or felt their melody. They’ve been nothing more than background filler. They haven’t touched my heart.

I wonder if that’s what God’s Word becomes for many of us. We hear, but we don’t listen. We know the words, but they fail to move us. They don’t really change our heart.

God’s Word is meant to move us, to heal us, and to change us. The psalmist declares “He sent forth his Word and healed them.” (Psalm 107:20). And John writes, the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. And even then, we didn’t listen (John 1:10, 11).

Are you lacking hope, joy and peace even in this most joyous of seasons? Perhaps it’s because you’re not listening. You hear, but you don’t believe. The apostle Paul prays, “May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)

This Christmas, ask God for the gift of faith, so that you will be able to hear and listen to Jesus speaking his language of love to you personally.

Today’s Question: I am a widow of over four years. My husband was the love of my life. We met when I was 16 and married at 18. We had our struggles, but we loved each other deeply. We have two daughters. One was having our grandchildren, so we moved out to be near her. We built our dream home. I got transferred. My husband sold his business and started a new one at our new location, but then he developed panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. He went to the doctor, was prescribed antidepressant medication, but five days later he shot himself. My life forever changed. I have never known such pain, and for years I wanted to die too. I am doing better, but the sadness is always with me. Will this ever go away? I go on, despite my feelings, and do the best I can do to make my life.

I loved being married. I miss all the things that went with being married. I’ve been in counseling. I meditate and try to live for today and don’t look back, but it’s not easy. I still miss what I had. I remember all the cards that said your memories bring you comfort, but that’s not true. They only bring pain of what I had and don’t have now. Any suggestions?

Answer: I chose your question for this week because for so many people the holidays are not a happy time. They are filled with suffering and loss and other challenges that feel like they will go on forever. I’m so sorry for your pain. Losing a loved one is very difficult, but when it is also suicide, it is especially devastating.

There is no time table for grief. I imagine that you hear you should be “over it” by now. But for many, they don’t really get over it. They just move through it, and sometimes it takes a long time to get to the other side where they find themselves able to enjoy life again. Sadly, your husband wasn’t able to hope for a future that was different than his present. That’s why he felt desperate enough to end his life. It’s important that you remember that no matter how difficult your present is, God has a plan for your life, a plan with a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

I recently read a powerful book called The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn. It chronicles the story of two families, Michael Spehn and Gina Spell, who each lost a spouse too young. Gina’s husband died Christmas day leaving her alone with two young boys. Michael’s wife died unexpectedly from a brain tumor. Nether Michael nor Gina minimize the loss and grief they suffered, but they also share the story of a future and a sense of purpose in what God is doing in the midst of their suffering. You may find it encouraging for you this season. Finding purpose in your suffering is one way we move through and deal with tragedy in a healthier way.

Another book that I found very helpful is Ann VosKamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts. She doesn’t pretend life is easy, but she powerfully reminds us that whatever happens, God is good and that one way we can chase out our negative feelings is to learn to give thanks in all things.

My good friend Georgia Shaffer, who is a Life Coach, wrote a newsletter this month on dealing with the holidays when you’re not so happy. I found her suggestions helpful; perhaps you will too. Georgia’s resources can be found at www.georgiashaffer.com.

Georgia writes:

It's that time of year when television commercials and magazine advertisements overflow with what seem like only bright, happy faces. But what if you are filled with a sense of loss, uncertainty, or dread? What if you are feeling discouraged or hopeless?

Unfortunately, the holidays accentuate those feelings. Whether you are facing the loss of income, lifestyle, health, relationships or a long-held dream, the holidays can be a painful reminder of what once was and no longer is. Although there are no quick fixes, here are a few suggestions:

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Recognize that the time of sorrow may coincide with the holiday season. Be willing to accept your sadness, disappointment, or anger rather than struggle and fight with it. Along with your holiday activities, give yourself time to process your pain. Allow yourself the space to reminisce, cry or journal your thoughts and feelings.

Let go of some old traditions.
Reduced energy accompanies loss and sadness. Be gentle with yourself and realize that your Thanksgiving and Christmas this year may not meet the American holiday dream. What is most important to you? You may choose to focus on meeting the needs of your family rather than baking dozens of cookies for friends and relatives. Next year you may have the strength to resume that tradition.

Develop new traditions.
If the sadness results from death or divorce, your significant other will no longer be part of the holidays. What new traditions can you establish? Reaching out to others helps to take the focus off your circumstances. Delivering flowers to a nursing home or calling someone who is alone often causes your problems to shrink.

Accept help and support.
Although most of us prefer to give help rather than receive it, sometimes it becomes necessary to accept emotional or physical support. Rest in the knowledge that God will provide for your needs and remember that in time, like winter, the season of sorrow will end.

Lastly, I’d encourage you to find a grief support group such as Grief Share that will give you the added support you still need. Sometimes we fear tiring out our friends with our sadness and therefore end up faking it a lot. Who knows better what you’re going through than other people who have also suffered a deep loss?

Even though it’s been four years, when you allow God to use you in the most tender areas of your own pain, you will begin to feel that sense of purpose and aliveness that you have lost with the death of your husband and loss of your marriage and future together. You still have a future and so ask God to show it to you.

Friends, especially those of you who may also have lost a loved one, what other resources, advice, or help can you offer this dear woman?

How Do I Handle My Husband's Defensiveness?

2011-12-12T10:41:00.005-05:00

Good morning friends,

This is my 150th weekly blog. I can’t believe I’ve been writing these for three years. To celebrate you, I am going to give the first five (5) people who respond to this blog, a free copy of your choice of any book, CD or DVD in my current inventory. I want you to respond with some suggestions to help the person who is asking the question in this blog, “How can I respond to my husband’s defensiveness?”

So give her some suggestions, and then e-mail me at leslie@leslievernick.com with your snail mail address and what book or CD or DVD you’d like. We will sign it and send it off to you as my thank you gift for being such a great community.

I am back home now after a week in Florida, refreshed and rested, ready to begin writing my new book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. This next year I will be focused on this topic, especially in this blog, and I’m looking forward to your feedback as I write.

If you have questions that you wish were answered in this new book, please send them to me at leslie@leslievernick.com. As I am able, I will answer some of them in this blog throughout the year so you will actually have a sneak preview of the book to come. Also, please forward this blog to anyone else who you think might benefit from having some practical and biblical answers to marriage’s most difficult dilemmas. We will be having some contests and free give-a-ways throughout the year to keep it interesting.

And just a few more newsy items:

My December newsletter will be out Tuesday and it’s on a lesson God showed me this past week, called The Gift of the Sand Dollar. You won’t want to miss it. If you haven’t signed up yet, go to my website home page and sign up. It’s not too late.

For those of you who are e-reader fans or will be receiving an E-Reader such as Kindle or Nook for Christmas, my current book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship will be offered at a special discounted price of $2.99 from 12/22 to 1/3 only. It will be available for Kindle, Nook, Kobo and Sony Readers.

In the new year, I will be doing some free webinars on various topics. The first one will be in January and will answer the question, Does God want me to be Happy? One of the things I’ve really recognized this year is that people struggle with issues about being happy. This is a huge challenge and I’ve decided to do something about it.

So e-mail me and let me know what struggles you are having that prevent you from being happy or experiencing the joy, peace and love God desires for you.

Today’s Question: Whenever I say or do anything, my husband’s immediate reaction is defensiveness. For example, on Sunday I did two loads of laundry, we went to church, when we got back we ate lunch and I did the noon dishes (washed them)…I went for a walk, came back, took the recycle bins out of the van, put them in the garage, moved a wheel barrow that was still in the yard from Friday, took the laundry off the line and came in the house…dishes still in the same spot and our utility room floor needed sweeping. So I went to my husband who was watching football – and I just mentioned this to him. “Do you know what would really turn me on and make me happy? If when I’m out for a walk or when I’m running errands for you to take care of some things for me…like doing the dishes or sweeping the floor…”

Instead of a kind response like, “Oh I’m sorry. Did you want me to do that for you?” His response was the following. “You KNEW I liked football when you married me…huff…why are you making such a big deal…nothing is ever good enough for you…”

This is how he responds to everything I say or do. I feel I can’t do or say anything right in our relationship without a negative, belittling, blaming response…

He knows that when he responds to me this way it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.

What do you suggest short of hitting him over the head with a bat or getting a divorce--neither one are good options.

Answer: Before I even attempt to answer this, I want to invite you, my readers--both men and women--to chime in here and help this woman understand why her husband may be defensive and to give her other suggestions that will help their communication style. I’m sure she’s not alone in this merry-go-round, and so let’s put our collective wisdom together to help them break this cycle. Remember, the first five people who respond, receive their choice of a free book, CD or DVD.

First, let me say that most people (men and women) get defensive when they fear they are being criticized. Whether you are saying it nicely or not, you’re husband’s statements to you indicate that he feels you think he’s regularly letting you down and not measuring up to your expectations of a good husband.

As I’ve said many times in my writing, the only person you can change is you, so let’s begin by looking at what kinds of things you can do differently.

You wrote, “He knows that when he responds to me this way, it just makes things worse, but he keeps doing it. I try to express how I feel, use “I statements”, and express to him what I need and would like, and he gets defensive every time.”

You can start breaking the cycle by asking yourself what’s your part of making things worse? You said, “He keeps doing it,” but you didn’t mention what your part is of making things worse. So begin by examining whether or not your negative statements, your “I statements” about what you’re unhappy about with him outweigh your positive statements to him. In any relationship when our negative statements are more frequent than our positive statements, it deteriorates.

Sometimes we believe that if we use “I statements”, they should always be taken positively. Let me give you a few examples of “I statements” and “you statements” that both sound critical, or like “you’re not good enough.”

For example, “I’m so tired of doing everything myself” verses “You never help me around the house.” Both statements are critical, one is a more direct attack; the other more implied.

A more positive “I statement” is, “I’d really like you to help me today get the house straightened up. When would be a good time, because I know you like football.”

Here’s another example: “I feel hurt that you never finished cleaning the bathroom like you said you would” verses “You’re so irresponsible, you never finish anything you start.” Again, both are critical.

A more positive “I statement” would be, “I’d really like you to finish cleaning up the bathroom today. Is that going to be a problem?”

Second, when your husband reacts defensively to one of your comments, how do you make it worse? Are you overly emotional? Do you give him the silent treatment? Is there an endless argument? Is the rest of the day/evening ruined?

In your e-mail to me, you implied a few times that your husband feels you’re overreacting to things. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but ask yourself are your expectations realistic? In other words, it may not be unreasonable for you to wish or hope that your husband would jump up while you were out on a walk and notice what needs to be done around the house and do it for you while you were away, or even to apologize to you when you call him on it, but is it realistic to expect that knowing who your husband is? Perhaps you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and for him to fail you when you expect him to do things that he’s probably not going to do at least without you directly asking and perhaps even reminding him to do it.

Third, it seems like you’ve lost sight (as he has) of the bigger picture at stake. The problem is no longer whether or not he helps you or finishes the chores he says he’ll do and then doesn’t. The problem is that you can’t talk together in a way that feels good for him and good for you. Does that mean that you just keep quiet and accept that you will do 90% of the work while he watches football? Or that you divorce?

I hope not, but I think you might try to talk with him in an adult to adult way about how you can’t talk together about things without him getting defensive and you getting sad, critical, or angry. Describe what happens between the two of you when he finally says to you, “I should just leave.”

I wonder what would happen if you changed two things in your approach to your husband. First, instead of talking about his defensiveness or lack of follow-through or lack of help, ask him what he means when he says, “nothing is ever good enough for you.” You say this is his standard response, but instead of getting defensive yourself, what would happen if you stopped and said, “What do you mean? How do I tell you nothing is good enough?” And then just listen to what he says.

Second, I wonder what would happen if you didn’t do it all yourself, but instead made every effort to look for the positive things your husband does do and share that for a while, leaving off the negative comments. See if his mood toward you changes and his defensiveness lessens. If it does, then understand you may be part of the problem. If it doesn’t, then you may need to take other measures to talk about the health of your relationship and what it means that you can’t have a normal conversation without some sort of put down, or belittling remark.

Most of the men that I’ve talked with throughout the years in counseling are not monsters who don’t care about their wives and only want to live selfishly and self-centeredly. I’ve found most of them deeply want to make their wives happy and proud of them, but never quite know how to do it. As soon as they think they’ve succeeded in one area, the rules change and now there’s another area that they need to change or do better. Over time when this cycle continues, they begin to feel hopeless, like I will never make her happy or proud of me and they begin to get cynical, resentful and bitter.

Please hear me, I’m not saying you are to blame you for your husband’s defensiveness. As human beings we ARE defensive. But when we feel unsafe and attacked, it usually gets worse. So if you don’t want to hit your husband over the head with a baseball bat and you don’t want to divorce him, you must try a new approach. Don’t do everything yourself, but instead try encouraging him in the things he does right. That may motivate him to do those kinds of things more often. Give it some time and see what happens.

How To Stop Making Christmas Happen For Everyone

2011-12-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

Good morning friends,

This week I am in Florida at a beautiful condo on the Gulf of Mexico that some friends of mine graciously let me use to rest, read, think, pray and write. I probably will have a little fun too. But beauty is so restorative to my soul. As I’ve said before, it’s essential to our spiritual and emotional well-being.

So instead of writing an answer to a new question today, I’m going to repeat an answer I gave to a woman last year who was feeling resentful that no one helped her with holiday preparations. I thought some of you might be feeling the same way and could use some of these tips NOW so that you don’t end up angry and exhausted after the holidays.

Today’s Question: I’m angry, hurt and tired. It seems like I’m the only one doing all the preparations for making our holiday a nice one. If it weren’t for me, we’d have no tree, no presents, no cookies, and no Christmas dinner. But it’s not only the holidays that I feel this way. I feel like I carry the entire responsibility for everyone’s life to go well. Am I being selfish that I want someone to care about me and my needs once in a while? Signed a burned out wife and mom

Answer: No you are not selfish for wanting someone to notice that you are a person and not just a machine that makes sure everything goes well for the people in your life. That said, I find many women in your exact predicament. You over-function which enables the other people in your life to under-function. That’s fine once in a while or when there is a specific crisis, but when that becomes “normal routine” for a family, marriage or even workplace, it can lead to disaster.

Let me explain. When you do all the preparations and carry all the responsibility, people begin to see you in that role and expect you will continue. The perks of over-functioning is that you get total control (which some people want and that’s why they do it all). However, most people get worn out over time and begin to feel resentful and unloved (which by your letter is happening now). If you start to balk or complain or get crabby, your family members look annoyed and wonder what is wrong with you? If you ask for help they either ignore you because they are used to you doing it all, or they give you such an attitude it’s just easier and more peaceful to do it all yourself.

When this happens in a marriage or family, it’s important for you to realize that it not only hurts you to carry the entire load, it hurts them not to help you. You are not doing anyone any favors by allowing them to think you can do it all while they relax on the couch watching television, sit in front of the computer playing games, or do their own fun things. It only enables selfishness to flourish and for your resentment and bitterness to grow-- a lose/lose pattern.

So how do we change this pattern? It starts with you. You have to be willing to relinquish control of everything and how things are going to be. Next, speak up to whoever your change will affect. Begin this dialogue by taking the entire responsibility for over-functioning (don’t blame your family) but state that you are no longer going to continue. Tell them that you are tired and starting to feel angry and resentful toward them and don’t want to have those negative feelings so YOU are going to change. You must be willing to let go of control of how it’s going to be and then spell out what you are no longer going to do specifically. For example you might say something like this:

Hey guys, I need to apologize for being so crabby lately. I think the reason I get that way is that I feel like I have to do everything in order to make it a nice Christmas for you all. But then it’s not a very nice Christmas when I get upset and resentful is it? So I’d like to simplify the decorating--I’m going to get an artificial tree so it’s not a hassle going out and cutting one down and I’m not going to bake anymore. It’s just too much work and I don’t want to feel resentful that you guys don’t want to chip in to help. I’m realizing that perhaps my expectations were too high and those things just aren’t important to you so I’m going to let them go.

Now, you HAVE to mean it if you say it. Here’s what will happen next. If those things are important to them and they do want a real tree or home baked cookies, then they can offer to take responsibility or help to make sure they happen. If they don’t, then you must LET THEM GO in order to demonstrate that you will not carry the entire load anymore. Until your husband or children experience the consequences when you stop over-functioning, they won’t begin to pick up the slack.

Here’s another example of a possible speak-up dialogue:

Honey, I’ve gotten burned out in the past with all the gift buying for everyone, so this year I’d like it if you took the responsibility for getting the gifts for your family. I don’t care what you get them but I don’t want to carry the entire load anymore. If you don’t want to do that, just let your family know that we won’t be exchanging gifts with them this year because I can’t do it all.

Many of you reading this are seeing lots of other areas where you over-function and allow your family to neglect carrying their own load of caring for themselves and caring about you. Please understand that God doesn’t want you to sacrifice yourself in order to allow someone else to be lazy or selfish.

The Bible says two things that at first glance appear to contradict one another but both are true. First, we are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), and second, each person is to carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). Both teachings are true. We carry another’s burden when he or she is unable to carry his/her burdens alone. However, when we carry a load for someone who is perfectly capable of carrying it themselves, we enable that person to under-function and that hurts them. It allows them to stay lazy, dependent, selfish and self-absorbed. As C.S. Lewis so wisely wrote, “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

It’s not too late. It’s only December 5th. Delegate and let go and you enjoy the season for a change.

Topic: The Gift of Prayer

2011-11-28T12:27:00.002-05:00

Happy Cyber Monday Friends,

I hope you’re not getting too stressed out already. The saddest thing about this wonderful season is that most of us don’t really enjoy it. We’re so busy trying to make it perfect for everyone else, that we are stressed out and crabby. Please don’t do that to yourself. You know you do have a choice.

I’ve been blogging about the gifts of love that we can give someone, especially when we don’t feel all warm and fuzzy toward him or her. In fact, we often feel the opposite. Jesus tells us to love our enemies, but actually doing it is a challenge.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve blogged about the different gifts of love that we can choose to give even when we don’t have any loving feelings. I’ve covered the gift of acceptance, the gift of truth, the gift of consequences, the gift of kindness and the gift of forgiveness.

Today I want to talk about the most powerful gift we can give someone who feels like an enemy. It’s the gift of prayer.

The bible tells us that Jesus continually intercedes for us. To be more like him, we must also learn to intercede for others. To intercede means to speak on another’s behalf or to plead his case.

Moses did this in Exodus 33 when God was about to destroy the Israelites for worshipping the golden calf. Interceding for someone who has hurt us is not easy. Much like an injured animal often attacks others, hurt people often hurt other people.

If your spouse or someone else is hurting you, I’m not suggesting that you continue to offer yourself to be bitten, but I am suggesting that you ask God to help you have his perspective and his compassion toward this individual, thereby empowering you to intercede on his or her behalf.

Prayer is one of the toughest disciplines, especially intercessory prayer, because it is so other-focused. Richard Foster, in his book Prayer, Finding the Heart’s True Home, writes, “By means of intercessory prayer God extends to each of us a personalized, hand-engraved invitation to become intimately involved in laboring for the well-being of others.” What better gift of love. We often pray about our enemy, but do we pray for our enemy?

I’m reminded of Samuel the prophet. After Saul had just made some pretty big mistakes, Samuel replies, “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you” (1 Samuel 12:23).

In my life, at times I have been so focused on praying for my own needs—whether material, physical or spiritual—that intercessory prayer gets tacked on at the end—if I have time. Yet, Jesus continually prays for us, and we are to be like him. We can give someone the gift of love by praying for him or her in the following ways:

•We can pray for his or her salvation.
•We can pray for his or her growth and spiritual maturity.
•We can pray that he or she gains wisdom and forsakes foolishness.
•We can pray for the conviction of God and the moral pressure of the Holy Spirit.
•We can pray for his or her eyes to be opened and to see the truth.
•We can pray that those who interact with our spouse (or other person) would speak truth to him or her.
•We can pray that our spouse (or other person) would desire to know God or know him better.
•We can pray that he or she would desire to be a better husband (wife) or father(mother).

Leanne Payne, in her book Restoring the Christian Soul, describes a process of praying for our enemies. In it, she concludes with instructions she received from the Lord regarding this matter. He told her to:

“Pray for the health, the wholeness, of your enemies. Pray for the salvaging of all that is good, beautiful, and true within them. I do a great work, one that will amaze you. Be at rest now from all that besets, offends, attacks—love, write, pray, live in peace in My Presence. Enter the timelessness of My joy and peace.”

James encourages us to stick with praying for our spouse or other person by reminding us that “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 4:16).

So friends, when you are at your wits end and you have no idea how to love this person, pray. That is the greatest gift you could give.

*Portions of this blog were from Chapter 9 of How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.

Topic: The Gift of Forgiveness

2011-11-21T10:28:00.006-05:00

I am so thankful for you. I want to ask you to do something for me. Pray. I am beginning to write my new book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and I am tempted to be overwhelmed and scared (as I always am when God takes me way out of my comfort zone).

It will take me most of 2012 to write, although I’m hoping to get it done before September. Pray that I make the time to write, that God gives me fresh insights and that I accurately discern his Word as I tackle some touchy and controversial topics (in the Christian world).

I want to “test drive” many of my ideas in this blog, and would love to hear from you. Please let me know if they are they helpful, does it meet a felt need, is it biblical and what are your most important questions that you want answered in this book?

Over the past few blogs, I’ve been writing about the gifts of love. So far we’ve talked about the gift of acceptance, the gift of truth, the gift of consequences, the gift of kindness and this week we’re going to talk about the gift of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the oil that smoothes over the rough spots as two people struggle to love when it’s hard and become what God calls them to be. When we keep score on marital wrongs, love is impossible. Although some excellent books have been written on the subject of forgiveness, I still find in my counseling practice a common misunderstanding of what it is. When I asked one client how she will know she has forgiven her husband for his adultery she replied, “When I don’t hurt anymore.”

Getting past the emotional pain caused by someone who has hurt you is a reasonable goal, but not a prerequisite for forgiveness. In fact, it was while Jesus was in pain he forgave those who abused him saying, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Forgiveness doesn’t remove the hurt or the consequences that sin has inflicted upon the victim. Sometimes the life-long consequences are worse than the original sin.

For example. Susan wasn’t honest with her husband about how much debt they were in. She had started her own business just a few years earlier and the expenses were much greater than she had ever anticipated. Instead of sharing that burden with her husband, Susan kept it to herself and tried to resolve the household cash flow problems by taking cash advances on all the new credit card offers she received.

When the creditors finally started calling the house because of unpaid bills, Danny hit the roof. Although it wasn’t easy, eventually Danny decided to forgive Susan for her deceit and pride even though he still felt hurt and angry. They had to file for bankruptcy. They lost their home and Susan’s business. If Danny waited until he felt no more anger or pain before he forgave Susan, their marriage may not have survived. The consequences of Susan’s deceit was devastating and would impact their lives for years.

Extending the gift of forgiveness doesn’t guarantee an absence of pain. Neither does it imply an automatic restoration of the relationship. Sometimes we confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is something we can choose to offer because of who we are. God tells us we are required and empowered to forgive because we have been forgiven, not because the other person deserves our forgiveness or has even asked for it. In fact, it is often the person who has hurt us the most that never asks us for forgiveness. They are not sorry, or they simply don’t care.

Forgiveness is choosing not to hold onto our right for justice or vengeance. We cancel the debt they owe us. In order to be able to do this we must free our heart from the bitterness and resentment we often feel when someone has wounded us. Although love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 3:8), there are times that reconciliation of the relationship depends upon the genuine repentance of the one who has sinned.

When we sin, God eagerly desires to forgive us, but our relationship with him is broken until we repent. In order to move back into right relationship with God, we must acknowledge our sin, turn away from it and seek his forgiveness. Like God, we too must extend the gift of forgiveness to those who have hurt us, but for true reconciliation to take place, repentance and forgiveness must work together.

Part of Susan’s repentance involved cutting up all credit cards, allowing Danny to handle the checkbook and being accountable for all expenditures. The restoration of their marriage relationship involved both Danny’s decision to forgive and Susan’s repentant heart and behaviors, leading to their eventual reconciliation.

As fallen human beings, forgiving someone is not something akin to our nature. Justice and revenge come more naturally. We can only truly forgive someone if we learn how to do it from the great forgiver himself—Jesus. Part of seeing what God is up to when our spouse acts wrong is understanding that God teaches us how to become more like Jesus through this process. For how do we ever learn how to forgive if no one ever hurts us?

There is wonderful freedom in knowing we do not have to react to a painful wrong either by shutting down or retaliating. As we grow in our relationship with Christ, we become a reflection of who he is in us rather than a reflection of what others have done to us. Gary Thomas author of Sacred Marriage writes, “We will be sinned against and we will be hurt. When that happens, we will have a choice to make: We can give in to our hurt, resentment, and bitterness, or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive.”

**The gift of forgiveness as well as the other gifts are from chapter 9 of How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (WaterBrook, 2001).

Topic: The Gift of Kindness

2011-11-14T11:29:00.006-05:00

Good morning friends,

What a beautiful weekend we had here. As I left church yesterday, my heart sang praise as I watched all the trees stretching out their arms with their fire engine red leaves to the glory of their creator.

I love beauty. Don’t you? My soul thrives on it. Ugly and shabby things drag me down. This weekend I finally got my front door painted. It’s been faded and chipped for over a year. It feels so good to have transformed this tiny bit of ugly into something beautiful.

Did you know we all NEED beauty in our lives? It revives our spirit. It refreshes our soul. It points us to God. In his excellent book, The Evidential Power of Beauty, Thomas Dubay writes,

You and I, each and every one of us without exception, can be defined as an aching need for the infinite. Some people realize this; some do not. But even the latter illustrate this inner ache when, not having God deeply, they incessantly spill themselves out into excitements and experiences, licit or illicit. They are trying to fill their inner emptiness, but they never succeed, which is why the search is incessant. Through worldly pleasure seeking never fulfills and satisfies in a continuing way, it may tend momentarily to distract and to dull the profound pain of the inner void. If these people allow themselves a moment of reflective silence (which they seldom do), they notice a still, small voice whispering, “is this all there is? They begin to sense a thirst to love with abandon, without limit, without end, without lingering aftertastes of bitterness. In other words, their inner spirit is clamoring, even if confusedly, for unending beauty. How they and we respond to this inner outreach rooted in our deep spiritual soul is the most basic set of decisions we can make: they have eternal consequences.

There is a lot of ugliness in our world, in our nation, in our communities, in our churches and in our families and relationships. Have you ever asked yourself what you can do to create more beauty? What can we do to stir someone toward goodness, toward thankfulness, toward love, toward God?

I’ve been blogging over the last few weeks about the gifts of love that we can give people. We’ve talked about the gift of acceptance, the gift of truth and the gift of consequences. Today I want to talk about the gift of kindness. Kindness, especially when unexpected and undeserved, is a potent demonstration of love and beauty. It can wake someone up as powerfully as the gift of truth.

There are lots of movies and books that illustrate this concept. Les Miserable’s is probably the best known, Play it Forward is one of the most recent. When we give the gift of kindness to someone who least expects it, it often motivates them to kindness as well. On the other hand, when we get caught in repaying evil for evil, the only result we get is more evil and more ugliness.

It is clear from the scriptures that one of the fruits of the spirit is kindness (Gal. 5:20), and that being kind is one of the very definitions of love (1 Cor. 13:4). Yet, as with the other gifts, we struggle with giving the gift of kindness when we don’t feel kind or our mate has hurt us.

Most often our first reaction when our spouse is acting in a way we don’t like is to treat him or her with contempt. However, contempt is the acid that will erode feelings of goodwill in a marriage quicker than bad behavior. Is that what you want to happen? Remember, God tells us to “not to be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). Through acts of kindness we are empowered, not overcome.

The last thing that we feel like doing is to be gracious to someone who has hurt us. For example, Joan’s husband, Adam, was an alcoholic and drug abuser. He spent more money on his habit then he did for food and clothes for their kids. His drug use was so out of control that Joan finally asked him to move out until he could get help for his problem (Gift of consequences).

He continued careening out of control and sent less and less money for the family. One day Joan heard through mutual friends that Adam was sick with a bad flu bug. Joan went home and cooked up a big pot of soup and delivered it to his apartment. Joan gave the gift of kindness to her selfish and irresponsible husband. She was not overcome by Adam’s evil; she was learning to overcome it with good. The kinder Joan was to Adam, the more obvious was Adam’s selfishness.

God speaks of kindness as a means of shaming our enemy (Romans 12:20) which may lead to their repentance. In the Scriptures, Joseph was kind and gracious to his brothers in spite of their cruelty toward him (see Genesis 37-50). Being kind and gracious doesn’t mean you ignore the wrongdoing or pretend it didn’t happen. That’s like putting your head back into the lion’s mouth after he has already bitten you. Being kind toward your enemy means that whatever happens to you doesn’t define you. It doesn’t shape you or turn you into something evil. Satan’s intention is to not only injure you but infect you with evil’s poison. It was by Joseph’s response to his brother’s injustice, deceit and treachery that good won out. He reminded his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...” (Genesis 50:20).

Jesus tells us “Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:35).

Friends, we should be kind toward others because we want to be like Jesus, not because someone necessarily deserves our kindness. We are a representative of the King of Kings and Lord of lords. Therefore, our desire is to treat others with kindness and mercy because we are God’s ambassadors and his image bearers. Our kindness and mercy doesn’t depend upon whether the other person has been good or bad, wrong or right. They are gifts of love, not rewards for good behavior.

Now it’s your turn. Please share with the rest of our blog community ways you have given the gift of kindness or ways that you’ve received the gift of kindness and how it impacted you.

Some of this blog is taken from Chapter 9 from my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.

Topic: The Gift of Truth

2011-11-07T14:18:00.009-05:00

Good Monday Friends,

Today is your last opportunity to sign up for a free 1 year subscription to WHOA, a new Christian women’s magazine that is filled with great stories of real women who listened to God, featured articles on living a godly life in a secular world, and lots of great tips from cooking delicious meals to what not to wear. To receive your free subscription, please contact our office at leslie@leslievernick.com and leave your full name and snail mail address. We promise, we won’t use it for any other purposes. If you've already signed up for WHOA, there is no need to send your information again.

Since we are entering into the holiday season, I want to talk about love as a gift instead of something we always feel. We love a person because we choose to. Genuine love can’t be earned, deserved, bought, or demanded. True love is always a gift.

God demonstrates this by loving us just as we are. More accurately, he loves us in spite of who we are. And he calls us to love one another just like that. He knows it’s easy to feel love for the "perfectly put together" people, but he also calls us to love the unlovely and the broken and even our enemy.

How do we do that especially when that unlovely and broken person happens to be our spouse? We know we promised to love him or her in our vows, but it feels impossible and we don’t always do it very well.

Last week I blogged about giving the gift of acceptance when our spouse is doing something we don’t like, don’t understand, or don’t approve of. Acceptance of one another and our differences, and yes sometimes even our sins, is an important part of learning to love a real person who is yet to become all God intended him or her to become. The gift of acceptance can be a wonderful blessing for a spouse who is struggling with something that he/she isn’t quite able or ready to tackle yet in his or her personal life. We can allow them to be who they are and where they are right now and love them without bitterness or resentment or making it our mission to change him/her.

However, the gift of acceptance isn’t the wisest way to love a spouse that is acting abusively toward you.

Today I want to talk about giving other gifts of love such as the gift of truth and perhaps the gift of consequences.

Today’s Question: How do you acknowledge the truth of what someone is doing to you and emotionally accept it when you are in a destructive relationship? Getting banged on the leg over and over is exhausting and painful. I acknowledge that I am being banged on the leg and that the banging is causing me to go limp and that pain is excruciating to my heart and soul. Now what do I do?

I have acknowledged the truth, emotionally accepted that I can have no expectations at all from the other person. This process has yielded a destruction of my personhood. How do you apply these concepts in a destructive relationship? My main goal is to gain wisdom and understand, so that one day when I sit before God he will say well done good and faithful servant. I don’t want to disappoint God because my heart and mind did what they wanted instead of what God wanted. Help?

Answer: I’m not sure if you’re using a metaphor when you describe being banged on the leg or you are actually being banged on the leg, but acknowledging the truth of someone’s abusive behavior toward you and also accepting that they aren’t willing to change (yet) is an important part of your own emotional and mental health. Healthy people live in reality, not in fantasy. They acknowledge what is, not what they wish it would be.

That being the case, what do you do when your spouse is hurting you and won’t stop? That is the reality you live with day after day and you’re right, it is intolerable, excruciating painful and destructive to both you, him and your marriage.

I think as Christians we have often misunderstood Biblical love to mean that when someone treats us abusively, we quietly suffer without protest or consequence, and simply turn the other cheek over and over again. But when Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39), he never said we shouldn’t avoid mistreatment, but simply that we were not to retaliate against it. He didn’t want us to become abusive in return. But Jesus did leave situations when he knew people were trying to harm him.

Allowing someone who we are in an intimate relationship with to continue to hurt and mistreat us isn’t biblical love, but fear and foolishness. We’re afraid to stand up to it because we don’t want to make things worse. We’re afraid that God will be displeased with us or we don’t have a good plan on what to do next if the abuse escalates. So we suffer silently and think that is God’s will. However, I think God and biblical love call us to do something far more courageous. But just as Jesus warned, that kind of love often involves suffering and sacrifice.

To love our spouse in these kinds of situations, we must be willing to boldly (not disrespectfully) speak the truth to him about the sinfulness of his behavior and the effects on you, your marriage and even on him.

You indicated that the abuse is destroying your personhood and you’re right, but it’s also destroying his. This is not who God made him to be and no human being can feel good about themselves when they abuse, degrade and mistreat other people.

If you choose to give this gift of truth to your husband, he may retaliate with more abuse. When you love him enough to seek his true good it may cost you. Much like jumping into an icy pond to save a drowning child, God calls us to lay down ourselves for another person’s welfare (John 15:13). But the bible doesn’t ask us to lay ourselves down to enable someone to continue in sin. That wouldn’t be good for them or for us.

If your husband is unresponsive and unrepentant to your gift of loving truth, I would also be prepared to give the gift of consequences. Consequences (not punishment) can be a powerful teacher of life’s truths. If you plant weeds, don’t expect roses (Galatians 6:7). In other words, when you are abusive toward people, don’t expect a happy and loving marriage to result.

So let me map out how this might look like for you. You need to ask God to give you the courage to love your husband enough to speak the truth to him about what his attitudes and behaviors are doing to you, to him and to your marriage. You also need to have a plan in place of how you will be safe if he retaliates against your gift of truth with more abuse. (For free help implementing a safety plan, you can call the Domestic Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233.)

But know this: God hates abuse and will empower you with the right words and right spirit to deliver them. We all know that the Bible says God hates divorce but we forget God also hates a man covering himself with violence (Malachi 2:13-16). God has a tender heart for those who are oppressed by bullies.

When you take this step, if your husband refuses to hear you and repent and get help to change his behavior, then I would encourage you to take the next step and give him the gift of consequences. In other words, your message is this,

“Our marriage is so destructive to you, to me and to our children, I cannot continue to live this way or provide the benefits of married life without significant change."

Separation will be necessary so he experiences the pain of his sin by losing his family life. Sometimes painful consequences are the only thing that wakes us up enough to put in the hard work necessary to change our destructive ways.

You asked God for wisdom. You want what God wants. God says he generously gives his wisdom to anyone who asks for it (James 1:5). Hear me. God wants you to honor your commitment to him and your husband by loving well. God wants your husband to repent, to change, and to learn to love also. God isn’t asking you to be a peace at any price woman. As a wife, you have a unique opportunity to partner with God to be an extraordinary helpmate to your husband so that he will see his sin, repent, change and grow into the man God made him to be. If he does, you have rescued your husband from the brink of death (James 5:20).

If he hardens his heart and refuses to listen, please know that God understands your disappointment and pain. Much of the Old Testament is that very story of God implementing tough love with Israel and Israel refusing to repent.

God calls us to unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness and unconditional kindness, but he never asks us to have unconditional relationship or unconditional reconciliation with someone, especially when they are abusive and unrepentant toward us.

Topic: My Husband is Smoking - The Gift of Acceptance

2011-10-31T10:26:00.017-04:00

Good morning friends,

We have just survived our first October snowstorm. Much of the area has been without power, many beautiful trees are ruined. Their branches couldn’t carry the load of snow and ice because their leaves hadn’t dropped. It is so sad to see the wreckage. I’ve included two pictures, one from the snow storm on Saturday, one from my front yard today– the snow has mostly melted, but the damage is still here.

This week’s blog is going to answer the question, how do we handle things about our spouse that we don’t like? They may be small things or fairly large things (at least in our own mind) but not necessarily deal breakers (if we don’t let them).

Today’s Question: I just found out my husband is smoking again. I can’t believe it. I hate smoking, and I made that very clear when we met. I knew he was a smoker but he told me he would try and quit. Obviously he hasn’t. He doesn’t smoke in the house or around me but I don’t want him to smoke at all. What can I do to get him to stop?

Answer: Every married person discovers qualities and habits in his/her spouse that he/she would love to change. It might be smoking, chronic messiness, forgetting to put the ATM receipts in the checkbook, or leaving the toilet seat up when you’ve asked him a million times to put it down.

Since you’ve felt frustrated trying to improve your spouse only to fail again and again, let me suggest another approach. Instead of trying to change him, change you. Let me explain. It’s easy to love someone when he does everything we want him to do. That’s idealized love, not mature love. Having a successful long-term relationship requires that we learn how to love our spouse when he doesn’t do everything we want him to do. This kind of love is much harder. It’s not the "feel in love" kind of love. It’s the "hard work" kind of love. One of the most powerful gifts of this kind of love is the gift of acceptance.

Learning to accept our spouse’s imperfections, weakness, and yes, sometimes even sins, doesn’t mean we like a fault we see nor does it mean that we simply resign ourselves to a hopeless situation. However, true acceptance understands reality–that we are all creatures in process and that God isn’t finished with any of us yet. Acceptance doesn’t simply mean that we acknowledge our spouse’s faults, but that we stop resenting them. We stop trying to change them. We learn to be emotionally content the way he is right now, all the while asking God to mature him (and us).

Here are three (3) things that you can work to change that will empower you to give the gift of acceptance to your spouse:

1. Stop playing Holy Spirit. We can learn how to be a better wife or husband but understand this: We will always make a lousy god. God himself teaches us acceptance and why it’s so important. He says, “Accept one another, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7). The Lord is patient with our faults, and he wants us to learn to be like him. Instead of playing god, pray that your spouse would listen to and obey God in the areas God (not you) wants changed.

2. Remember you have faults too. It’s often our pride and perfectionist tendencies that make us so impatient with the flaws of other human beings. We say things like, “I can’t believe you did that.” Or “How could you be so stupid”. We seem surprised when our spouse acts imperfectly, stupidly, or differently, as if somehow he isn’t ever suppose to do such a thing. Humility helps us accept our spouses’ shortcomings because we’re well aware of our own. We know that sometimes we too can be difficult to love and live with graciously. The apostle Paul encourages us to “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).

3. Focus on your mates good qualities. I often tell my clients who feel disgruntled in their marriage; no one gets all 52 cards in the deck. Every spouse has shortcomings, faults, and weaknesses. When we dwell on them continuously, we will feel angry, disappointed and gypped. If you don’t want to feel those negative emotions, then you will need to intentionally change your focus. Look for your spouse’s good qualities instead of always dwelling on his/her bad ones. Obviously he or she has them or you wouldn’t have fallen in love and married him/her in the first place. Let your mind dwell on these things, as the apostle Paul encourages in Philippians 4:8.

We’ve heard the saying God loves us just as we are, but it’s probably more accurate to say that God loves us in spite of who we are. God’s love is not a reward for good behavior, and it is not deserved or earned. Rather, his love is an extravagant gift. We too can learn to love this way even when it’s hard, because God has so loved us. It is God’s love that empowers us to love our spouse even in his or her imperfections, weaknesses and sins.

In the next few blogs, I’m going to cover other gifts of love that we can give our spouse even when we don’t feel very loving. As we’ve seen in this blog, there are times when our spouse’s behavior is so destructive to the stability of our marriage or our own safety that the gift of acceptance is not appropriate and a different gift of love is called for. In these serious situations, we may need to love our spouse enough to give him/her the gift of truth and/or the gift of consequences. I’ll cover these more in the following weeks.

Note: The gifts of love are explained in greater detail in Chapter 9 of my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. WaterBrook (2001)

Men Are Victims of Domestic Violence, Too!

2011-10-24T09:25:00.015-04:00

Good Morning,

I’m in North Carolina today doing a video shoot for the new Divorce Care series. Pray for those who will benefit from the tremendous teaching that Divorce Care Ministries has to hurting men and women trying to recover from divorce. Prayers are also appreciated for me today as I try to communicate God’s hope.

For those of you who would still like to sign up for my free subscription offer for WHOA women’s magazine, there is still time. WHOA stands for Women WHO Hear-Obey-and Act on God's Word. (You can Google it to take a look). It’s a first class, glossy, mailed women’s magazine featuring real life stories of women who trust God in the midst of life’s difficulties. It is similar to Oprah or More, yet with a distinctly Christian message. You will soon see them all over newsstands.

In this week’s blog, I’m doing something different. It’s not exactly a question, but rather some comments from a man who responded to my last newsletter titled, Is Your Marriage Healthy? and wants people to know that men are victims of domestic violence too.

I applaud his bravery in speaking out and giving us this reminder that the Church as well as society needs to be much more aware and sensitive to the problem of domestic violence in general, but not to forget about men who suffer abuse at the hands of their wives.

I’ve condensed his rather lengthy comments and have a few of my own thoughts at the end. My second newsletter this month is on the topic of Five Things You Can do to Help Someone that Has been Abused. Sign up on my home page at http://www.leslievernick.com/ if you’d like to receive it. It will be out on Tuesday.

A Reader’s Response: In your last newsletter on healthy marriages, one sentence grabbed my attention. You wrote,

“When a woman bullies her husband, the sinfulness and inappropriateness of the interactions are much more obvious to church leaders”

What??

My experience is anything but that. My experience is that women bullying and abusing men is considered funny. Men have no place to turn. They can be hit, abused, bullied and terrorized by their wives, and the only way they can hope to have contact with their children is if they continue to allow themselves to be victimized.

My experience has been that doors of help close for men. Social services make excuse after excuse for a woman's abusive behavior and scorn the man for taking photos or videos during her perpetration. The man must be ultra perfect, and if he ever does wrong, he goes to jail. If she does wrong, she needs more compassion, more money, more help.

My experience has been that very few church leaders have the courage to look a woman in the eye and confront her about her abusive behavior. Church leaders, therapists, and other professionals often migrate to the "most reasonable" partner and the partner willing to make changes. So that one is the one who changes and changes and changes, only to be hit, raged at, and made out to be a monster, because well "all men are monsters."

My wife posted as her Facebook profile photo, a picture my mom took of my wife, our daughter and me in front of the Christmas tree (2010) in which, under my shirt, I was physically injured by my wife. The picture literally makes me want to vomit, and I cannot look at it for more than a few seconds. It is still in my wife's photo album on FB. I avoid looking there.

And as long as therapists, authors and professionals look at this issue with even a hint of "gender" in view, then, frankly, right now, I feel we've lost. Abuse is to be confronted and our children are to be protected. Families are to be protected. And women's help lines and shelters simply MUST be opened up to men. Either that or parallel organizations can fill the need.

Out of about 20 calls to women's help lines (yes, I've been that desperate), there was ONE time where someone actually fielded my call. Someone actually gave me the counsel, information, and advice that they would have given a woman. That was a VERY helpful and healing call in my life, and I am grateful that the woman on the other end of the line neither yelled at me nor hung up on me as others had.

In the meantime, I am raising our daughter. I separated from my wife in mid August and even though we have a 1week on 1 week off caretaking arrangement -- oops, she's sick, oh, she brings our daughter to kindergarten late or not at all, oops, she dresses our daughter in clothes that don't fit right -- oh combing her hair is just too much of a hassle, so forget about it, she can just look like a nappy mop in KG, that's cool.

And no one would suspect it, considering her doe-faced kind-smile and soft-eyed presentation. Which is of course, the woman I married, but not the woman my wife is and was towards me behind closed doors.

And as the man, I am urged to "be more understanding." Of what? Of outright abuse? I have never hit my wife. She has hit, bitten, restrained, yelled, raged, etc.

The counselors want to discuss how both of us are perpetrators. Maybe make the discussion "fair" by seeing it as 50/50.

Well some things are not 50/50.

A sniper can kill you from 2 miles away with a single bullet. Was the exchange 50/50? A robber can steal your car. Was that 50/50? Are you just as much to blame as the person who stole your car? Do you need to do "personal work," because someone stole your car?

I have spent about a decade now absorbing abuse, compensating for constant chaos, and I am now repairing my life.

Thank God, now that I have separated from my wife, the kindergarten teachers and administration see more of what is going on. My daughter is well dressed, well taken care of, and OK when she is with me. When she is with my wife, she is either very very late, ragged, or distressed. My wife hasn't kept her appointments with the kindergarten staff and, oh, now my wife wants to pull her out of her kindergarten, where she is loved, has friends, and plays on a mountainside.

In one sense, I am fortunate, because my wife's neglect of her own child is pretty obvious to those who are in contact with her regularly. I have deep sympathy for men who are abused by women who do a "good job" with their children. That's got to be an even more impossible situation.

And how does it feel as a man to have "escaped" from an abusive relationship with a child? I feel like a complete idiot. Sure, people smile at me and my daughter a lot in public. She sings and is well dressed and both my wife and I are good looking people, so our daughter is simply a beautiful child. But the "background" behind this father with the adorable daughter is simply: horrific.

Please don’t forget, men are victims of domestic violence too.

My Response:

Thank you for your poignant and passionate response. For those of you who did not get my last newsletter, the larger context of my comment he’s referring to is:

When a husband bullies his wife, his behavior does not describe biblical headship, nor is her forced "submission" characteristic of biblical submission. The correct terms are coercion, manipulation, intimidation, or rape and she is the victim. Let's make sure we use the right words.

When a woman bullies her husband, the sinfulness and inappropriateness of the interactions are much more obvious to church leaders, but the very sinfulness of bullying behavior is exactly the same whether the abusive behaviors is initiated by the wife or the husband.

Your points are well taken. Men are victims of abuse and here is more sad news:

http://dahmw.org/

To the man who wrote his comments and other men who are victims of domestic violence, we hear you. Domestic violence isn’t a woman’s problem or a man’s problem, it is a human problem and a tragedy.

Please know, God gives wisdom for both the victim and abuser to heal and to change so that generational patterns are broken, but it’s only as we speak up and speak out about this can we receive the help we and our loved ones need.

Topic: My husband won't change, my pastor can't help, and I am a mess!

2011-10-17T09:21:00.017-04:00

Morning friends,

Today I’m flying home from sunny (and I mean SUNNY) California where I just spent nine wonderful but exhausting days cooking and taking care of my grandbabies. The weather has been unusually hot and I can’t believe I’m saying this, as a girl who LOVES the sunshine, but I think I’m looking forward to getting back to my Pennsylvania fall weather.

I have a wonderful gift for you. A brand new woman’s magazine is out call WHOA - Women WHO Hear-Obey-and Act on God's Word. (You can google it to take a look). It is a high glossy Christian magazine dealing with real women who encounter real life problems and find God’s answers in the midst. As my blog friends, they are offering you a free 1 year subscription. Just e-mail me privately at leslie@leslievernick.com with your name and address and I will forward this to my WHOA contact who has made this generous offer. Perhaps you’d like to gift someone for Christmas. That’s fine too. WHOA wants to get the word out and the best way to do that is to get their magazine into women’s hands. I promise you I will not give out your address to any other person and will shred it once I have forwarded it on.

Back to my time in California. I have been watching in horror the unfolding tragedy at Seal Bay where an enraged spouse, angry at a custody decision, decided to execute his ex-wife and eight other people. Let’s not forget, October is Domestic Violence awareness month and therefore, I’ve dedicated my blog topics and newsletter this month to be focused on this topic.

If you haven’t signed up for my newsletter yet, please do. The next issue is going to be about abusive women and victimized men. You won’t want to miss it. Women can be abusive too and some of my male readers have recently reminded me of that important reality.

This week’s Question: I need help. I read all your books and took the steps to separate from my husband (emotional & physical abuse) but my emotions are a mess. He is not doing anything to try to save the marriage or show that he has changed. He hasn't even set up marriage counseling. I don't have any money to go to a Christian counselor. My pastor has told me he can't help me any further, I am stuck.

Answer: You are in a very difficult spot, and I’m not surprised your emotions are a mess. Without knowing any more details than you’ve given, I imagine you separated not only for safety reasons, but also in the hopes that your husband would “wake up” to his abusive behavior and get the help he needs in order to reconcile and restore your marriage.

The hard truth however is that he has not taken any steps to address his problem. You feel hurt, angry, discouraged, and frightened. Now what?

Helpless, hopeless and scared are probably the predominant emotions that mess with your mind. It’s important that you realize that your emotions may be powerful but they don’t always reflect reality. Things are not hopeless and you are not helpless, it just feels that way right now.

You can’t fix his problem (his abusive behavior) but you must begin to address and work on your own problems if you are going to get a grip on your emotions as well as learn to live in a healthy way. Your problems may be your fear of living alone, the lack of financial resources, the loneliness you feel, or even the anger and hurt you’ve experienced by his abuse and indifference to your pain. You say you don’t have the money to go to a Christian counselor, but there is help out there for you if you want it and look for it. If you don’t work on your problems, you will be tempted to return to your abusive spouse without him making any of the changes needed to stop this abusive pattern. Is that what you want? Would that be in the best interest for you, your children, or even your spouse?

I’m not sure what your pastor meant when he said he can’t help you further. I don’t think your pastor can or should be the primary person to counsel you or your spouse with this problem, but that does not mean that he cannot be instrumental in getting the church to be a supportive resource for you. Sadly, often times when an abused spouse separates, the church withdraws support for both individuals in a troubled marriage.

But since your pastor has offered support to you in the past, ask him if he can recommend a wise woman in the congregation to be a supportive mentor to you during this time. In addition, you can get involved in a woman’s bible study in order to get around wise and hopefully healthier women as well as grow in your faith. If your church does not offer one, look for other locations that do. You must now take some proactive steps to help yourself if you are going to learn that you are not helpless.

Second, most communities have resources for abused women. I do not know your location but you can usually find these resources in the blue pages of your local telephone directory or google them on the Internet. They provide free counseling and support, sometimes even pro bono legal aid to help you through this process of getting financial support, a PFA (Protection from Abuse) if needed, and other things that will help you get on your feet right now. They won’t be able to fill in all of the gaps, and with recent funding cuts, many organizations can only provide the bare minimum of services, but you must seek out and get the help you so desperately need.

There are also other churches that offer free or low cost Christian counseling and, if that isn’t an option, there is online counseling (go to http://www.aacc.net to find a Christian counselor who is experienced in these issues willing to work with you on-line). There are also low cost mental health services in most communities as well as universities and colleges that may have interns. They may not be experts in abusive relationship issues, but they may be able to help you deal with some of your fears and runaway emotions.

There are books you can read (I recommend my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship as well as many others in the back of my book as additional resources). Many of these books are available at a community library or you can simply hang out in Barnes and Noble and read them there if you cannot afford to purchase them.

Here are some additional resources that you can explore so that you can begin to dig yourself out of the situation you are in and experience healing.

For additional education and resources on domestic violence, as well as e-learning, go to:

http://www.theraveproject.org/
or http://www.peaceandsafety.com/
or http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/

For help developing a safety plan go to http://www.theraveproject.org/.

The hotline for domestic violence is 800-799-7233.

To find professional Christian counselors experienced in domestic violence, call Focus on the Family Counselors at 800 232 6459 or go to http://www.theraveproject.org/.

Yesterday I read about a gentile woman in scripture who asked Jesus to heal her daughter from demon possession. Jesus didn’t answer her at first, and the disciples eventually asked him to shoo her away because she was bothering them with all her begging. When Jesus finally did answer her he told her he was only there to help the lost sheep of Israel. But that response did not deter this woman. She was desperate AND persistent. She knew she needed help for her daughter and she was not giving up until she got it (Matthew 15:23-28). Jesus commended her faith and tenacity.

In another story, Jesus tells of the persistent widow who keeps pestering the judge until he gives her the justice she needs (Luke 18:1-8). For me, these passages encourage people not to be deterred with a “no” at first. We as women tend to be more passive, less assertive and are willing to receive a no and feel that is the final answer. But often a no turns into a yes when we continue to plead our case.

Please seek the help you need. The answer isn’t to just learn to live with an abusive spouse. The answer is to get God-centered, strong, and healthy enough to stand firm so that you can invite your husband to do the work he needs to do in order to truly reconcile your marriage.

How to Respond When Someone Hurts You

2011-10-10T12:14:00.007-04:00

Good Monday friends,

I am in sunny California this week being Nana to Amaya and Leilani and cooking up a storm for my daughter and her husband to have meals to eat for the next few weeks. I've decided for this week to share a video on a question and answer session I did at a women's retreat last year. The question that's asked is: How do you respond when someone hurts you? What is a Christian to do?

Thanks for all your prayers over the last month. I did make it through and I give Him all the glory for the strength He gave me.

Click here to watch video

Mother longs for better relationship with adult daughter

2011-10-03T15:55:00.006-04:00

Good Monday Friends,

I have a new grandbaby. Horray! Her name is Leilani Capri and she was born October 1. I’m heading out to see her on Saturday. I am so blessed. I can’t wait to meet her.

For those of you who are not on my mailing list, I also want to invite you to a special event this Saturday morning October 8th, at Faith Church in Trexlertown, PA from 9-12 where I will be talking on Emotionally Destructive Relationships. To register or for more information, visit www.faithefc.com. If you are a church leader, pastor, or counselor, I am also doing a special event on Friday evening on A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence. You are welcome to attend both. Register for each event separately, and they are both free.

Thanks for all your prayers for my speaking at the AACC Conference in Nashville. It was a sold out crowd with amazing speakers, and God truly was present. God gave me some very special moments with people, but today I feel a little exhausted from it all.

Today’s Question: I am married to a pastor/mediator/marriage and family therapist, yet continue to struggle with discontent with my relationship with my adult daughter who is a physician married to another physician. She has two children, 3 and almost 1. I never married her father who left her at six and never returned to her life until she was 19. He remained in contact with her over the years but loosely, inconsistently, but did pay for college.

She began her rebellious behavior when I married and she was 13. She has disapproved since the wedding and battled with him for most of the time she was at home. She left for college at 18 and returned on holidays but stayed with her grandparents. She and I have always stayed in touch, but of course it was different when she no longer would return home. She is now 36 and lives in another state. I divorced her stepfather and remarried four years later to someone she approved of.

Not living in the same state, she usually calls a few times a day for many reasons, often when she is troubled with dealing with the kids while her husband works long hours. I always take her calls, regardless of the hour or inconvenience. For whatever reason, when we are both visiting what was our hometown, when she is around family, we have disagreements and then we don’t talk for a few months over something ridiculous.

Sometimes she visits our hometown without me, and this past summer did so and rented a camper and did not invite me or tell me about it until I found out about it from someone else. Knowing I would be hurt, she invited her brother and his wife and my other son for a week of vacation without me.

I’ve spent lots of time babysitting for her oldest child while she was an infant. I do not understand why my daughter and I cannot be closer. We are different. I am more about talking about emotions and feelings and she works hard to avoid the same. She is not affectionate with her husband or me and it’s so hard to see what is and accept it.

She flies me in to babysit when she needs me, but when she didn’t include me on this vacation I told her so and now we’re not talking again. I have not figured out how to deal with conflict without creating distance between us. I have apologized for overreacting to her choice not to include me and assured her that I love and miss her. She has finally let me speak again to my granddaughter but I feel my heart hardening.

I can’t be sad all the time because I miss her and the kids. We can never talk about what’s the problem. We just eventually go on like nothing happened. There is more but it’s so complicated, it seems like we are close yet incredibly far away from each other.

It seems like she is angry, sad and doesn’t want to deal with it, and I don’t know what to do with it. She is such an accomplished woman who is so successful in her career and is well liked and respected, but with those closest to her, it is a battle. If you could give me some insight it would be so appreciated.

Answer: Having an adult daughter who lives out of state with a new grandbaby myself, my heart grieves for you and your situation with your daughter. I wish I could give you three steps to take that would magically turn this relationship around. You already know if you’re married to a therapist, that the only person you can work on changing is you. That said, what things might you need to do differently in order to accept where things are right now and not feel so hurt and sad all the time?

First, it seems like you have no boundaries (you take her calls night and day, fly in to babysit whenever she needs you) but you do have some expectations that she does not (or cannot) meet. I think this is a set up for conflict and hurt – for both of you.

Are your expectations reasonable? I think so. You expect she would treat you as a person and not just as a babysitter or a stress reliever. You expect she would care about your feelings and not be exclusive or competitive. You expect that because you are giving so much to her, she would give back to you. And you expect that because she is an accomplished professional, she would be more competent in handling interpersonal conflict and stress. But that’s not the case.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So although your expectations are reasonable, they are unrealistic considering her past behaviors. If you want to get healthier yourself, you will need to let go of these expectations, otherwise you set yourself up to continually feel hurt. Again it’s not unreasonable that you wish her to be different. And you can hope that someday she grows and changes. But if you want to stop hurting so much, you must let go and emotionally accept who she is and where she is right now.

That takes us back to the issue of your own boundaries. You obviously love your daughter and grandchildren. You want to be a part of their lives. You will need to decide what you want to give and how often, regardless of whether or not you get much in return. This does not create a healthy relationship, but it does help you clarify your role right now. You can choose to give to your daughter and grandchildren out of your love for them, but without strings attached. The best word is “ministry”. You are doing this because you want to, because you love them, and because God calls you to. If you are doing it for any other reasons, you set yourself up to be continuously hurt, angry, and disappointed.

Lastly, I do think we as mothers can learn to be more strategic about how we say things to our daughters. I think every single child longs for approval from their parents even if they don’t want close connection. Your daughter is no exception even though she is accomplished and successful. I wonder if she has hurts from childhood when you choose to marry someone that she so strongly disliked, or that she feels she will never be able to be the kind of daughter you really want and has given up trying.

I remember once a client of mine feeling distant from her mother because her mother couldn’t accept her for who she was. Her mother wanted this strong mother/daughter bond with lots of emotional talk and the daughter was just not wired that way. Although the mother meant well, the daughter constantly felt the mother’s disappointment and disapproval. The only way the daughter could handle the tension was to further distance herself from her mother, accompanied by some passive/aggressive jabs to her mother.

I don’t know if this would help but I might encourage you to look for all the things you can encourage your daughter about who she is. Even when she calls you in her stressful moments, say something like, “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it, you’re a great mother.” Or “I know you have what it takes to figure this one out.” Giving our daughter’s the “blessing” as the Old Testament calls it, can be a priceless gift we give our children.

Friends, you who are daughters and you who are mothers, what else would you advise this dear hurting mom?

Topic: Do I have to have sex with my husband?

2011-09-26T16:05:00.003-04:00

Hi Friends,

I’m heading off to Nashville, TN, tomorrow to attend the American Association of Christian Counselor conference. I am speaking on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship as well as Domestic Violence: An Abuse of Power. I’d really appreciate your prayers if you think of me.

I’ll post some pictures on my Facebook page and put a few on next week’s blog.

Q. I’ve been married for 25 years to an emotionally and verbally abusive man. I feel angry and bitter toward him for the way he treats me, yet he still expects me to be loving and affectionate with him, especially in bed. I can’t do it. What does God expect me to do? Can I withhold sex as a consequence for his abusive behavior?

A. This is an extremely important question that many women face. In last weeks’ answer I spoke about being treated as an object instead of a human being. An emotionally destructive marriage is where the personhood, dignity and personal choice of the spouse is regularly diminished, degraded, disregarded or crushed.

No one likes feeling like an object, especially if you are in a committed relationship with the person who treats you as such. Husbands sometimes complain to me that they feel that their wives treat them like a paycheck. Wives complain that they don’t feel like a loved person but merely a sexual object or a slave. Marriage is the most sacred and intimate relationship we have apart from our relationship with God. When one person (or both people) continually disrespects, mistreats, or lies to the other, intimacy is broken. It can be rebuilt but not without genuine repentance and a lot of hard work.

From what you say, it sounds as if your husband believes he’s entitled to the benefits of married life, (sexual intimacy, your affection and love, not to mention normal care), without having to do his part. He doesn’t seem to understand that having a good and loving relationship requires two people who interact with one another with kindness and respect. His emotionally abusive behavior is driving you further away from him. Does he just want sex from you? Or true intimacy?

The Bible calls us to love, not hate. That command includes our enemies. But what does Biblical love look like towards your husband in this instance? Biblical love isn’t necessarily feelings of affection or warmth, but actions that are directed toward another person’s long term best interests.

So ask yourself the question, Is it in my husband’s long term best interests to be sexually available to him so that his sexual needs are met? If you answer “yes”, understand that meeting his sexual needs is not a solution to your relationship problem it is just a solution to his sexual frustration.

Another way to look at this situation is that it is in your husband’s best interests to let him experience the felt consequences of broken intimacy and tell him that when he treats you disrespectfully, you’re too angry to feel warmth and affection towards him. When he’s not sorry he treats you that way, it makes it impossible for you to feel affectionate toward him. You need to have a calm conversation with him regarding your feelings. Here’s a sample of something you might say.

I know you get very frustrated when I’m not responsive to your sexual needs. You want me to be sexual with you and enjoy our physical relationship, but the way you treat me much of the time makes me feel angry and hurt. When you call me names or degrade me in front of the children, the last thing I feel like doing is being warm and affectionate towards you. If you want genuine intimacy and affection, you will need to work on changing the way you treat me. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who wants to get close and affectionate with you rather than someone who is just doing her duty?

Most men I talk with want closeness with their wives. Try expressing your feeling about being just an object versus a person. This may help him see the impact of his behavior, not only on you, but on him. But if your husband won’t hear you and doesn’t care about what your feelings are, then what?

Hear me. I don’t believe in using sex as a weapon anymore than someone should use the silent treatment as a weapon. It isn’t good for the marriage. It is controlling and manipulative.

However, I do think sometimes we have to say, “I can’t talk right now because I’m too angry to do it constructively” or “I can’t talk with you because you won’t hear me or listen to me”. That’s not using talking as a weapon, but stating a problem either with you or in the relationship.

In the same way, if someone says, “I can’t have sexual closeness with you right now because I’m too angry to do it lovingly.” I think that is stating a truth. Or “having sex with you feels like I’m just being used as an object but you don’t really care for me when you treat me so disrespectfully other times” helps the one who is doing the hurting to know what needs to change in order to repair the relationship.

Friends, you who are in this type of marriage, share your thoughts and what you have done here.

My mom's in an emotionally destructive relationship with my dad. What should I do?

2011-09-19T10:49:00.005-04:00

Good Monday Morning Friends:

I hope you had a beautiful weekend. I just finished reading a beautifully written new book by Michael and Gina Spehn, The Color of Rain. It is a true story of incredible loss, hope, and trust in God’s goodness. Both Michael and Gina lost their spouses to cancer at young ages. The shared grief turned to friendship and eventually to love. Their story is a testimony to the grace of God.

I have had the privilege of being on Michael and Gina’s weekly radio show, “Your Family Matters” (streamed live at www.FaithTalk1500.com.) as one of their Round Table Experts over the past year but didn’t know their full story. If you know someone who needs renewed hope, I highly recommend their book.

Also, if you want to read my next blog for the Association of Biblical Counselors, here’s the link. http://christiancounseling.com/content/a-new-way-of-seeing

Question: My parents are in their fourth year on the mission field, their "second" career after retiring from business and moving overseas to serve for an undetermined number of years. They've been married 40 years.

For decades, my mom has spent hours in the Word and in prayer daily, and has a track record of humble service to my father (and to her three kids as we were growing up). In fact, her reading habits have drawn repeated attacks and ridicule from my dad. He has a history of humiliating her (and us kids) publicly, explosive anger, and is restrictive of her freedom. But to anyone outside our family, this would come as a shock. He's a successful businessman, gregarious, and active in every little church they've ever been part of.

Mom convinced him to seek pastoral counseling with her about 20 years ago and no real change resulted. He rejects psychology wholesale, yet admits to not finding anything profound or new whenever he reads the Bible. I found out when visiting them this summer that mom's frequent trips to the bathroom were the result of frequent and prolonged sex (compounded by a long history of health issues which have rendered her "fragile", to put it gently), which I'm guessing is precipitated by dad's age and evening alcohol consumption.

I was incensed at the state of things mom was enduring, and told her she did not have to submit to dad's physical advances any longer. She acted on that after I left and has not been intimate with him since. She and I both struggle with whether that is right, however I maintain that after years of humble service met with nothing but fits of rage, humiliation, zero emotional/relational intimacy, and rejection/denial anytime she attempted to talk about these issues, she no longer needed to put herself through it.

This all has caused mom to start examining her own life, tracing the roots of these problems back to her own father's rejection of her (her mom told her that he just didn't like her). She met my dad in college, who even then was controlling and manipulative. After a brief tryst (none of the "falling in love" typical foundation for a marriage relationship), she got pregnant and they were married a month later. She's been working at it for forty years, and without having to explain much to my siblings, they immediately understood mom's position when she told them she was ready to stand up to him.

Knowing what action to take has been the daily question. Your description of "crazy making" has been so helpful in understanding what she deals with. Dad does not initiate conversation with mom, denies any wrongdoing when specific instances are presented to him (by mom), and just this week has informed mom that she has been abusing him.

Mom has a plane ticket home in October to visit her 90 year old mother. My dad has removed any legitimate and substantive responsibility from my mom in their mission work. She is fully devoid of any in-country support (she refuses to take this to her co-workers for fear they wouldn't believe her. While mom still cooks and cleans for my dad and tries to "help him", he does nothing to reciprocate her attention or acknowledge it with any gratitude (that's how it's always been). My mom says she sees "improvement" in him, defined thus: he is trying really hard to control his temper, he doesn't ask for sex anymore, he's "earnestly seeking after spiritual things" and he has shifted from a "know-it-all" to "docile resignation."

To me, that improvement is not reversing the pattern, it's just neutral. He has no accountability where they are. So I've implored my mom to stay here in the US when she comes home. They are already making preparations to extract themselves from their position with their missions agency anyway, and since she doesn't do anything work-related, it seems more important that she get help here.

Mom says she doesn't know how she would be able to live apart from him, that she would always be worrying about him. This is understandable, but not healthy. How do I help my mom get healthy? Should she return even though he'd likely be home within the year? Is this "improvement" reason enough for her to resume physical intimacy?

Answer: Watching someone we love struggle in a destructive/abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. When it is our own parents, it is heartbreaking. I know you want to help your mom get healthy, but there are some things that she must do for herself and it sounds as if she is starting to do them.

You can help her, support her, and encourage her, but you must not push her to do something she is not ready or willing to do. If you do that, it will put you in the controlling role and she will once again stay in the passive role. Even though you mean well and only want her best, for someone to become emotionally healthy she must learn to figure out what she wants and to speak up for herself when necessary and not to be so passive, even when someone is upset with her for doing so.

What you can do is help her think through her choices and the consequences of those choices and then applaud and support her right to choose. For her entire marriage, she hasn’t believed she has the right to say “no”, or when she’s tried, she’s been manipulated, controlled, or pressured into giving in. You must not play that same role even if you fear she is making a poor choice.

You’ve asked a number of important questions but one in particular I want to spend a little time on. You asked how could your dad possibly accuse your mother of abusing him after all her years of patiently and passively enduring his humiliation, manipulations, verbal attacks, sexual abuse and controlling behaviors?

First, let me say that although your mother sounds like a saint, she is also still a sinner and there may be times when she does or is tempted to retaliate against your father, even if she does it more passively. The Bible tells us that people’s bad behavior rubs off on us and sometime, even if we’re not aware of it, we start to act like they do.

However, what I think is happening here is a common phenomenon I see once an abused woman stops going along with the abuser and begins to speak up for herself.

Let me give some background. When someone marries it’s understood that this person you married will have their own ideas, feelings, desires, goals, dreams and thoughts about things. If you’re healthy, you will not require the person you married to always think like you, feel like you, want what you want, or always do what you say. Instead you allow them to be different than you. The challenge of a healthy marriage is to lovingly blend two different people into a strong oneness that still contains each person’s uniqueness.

But this is not what happens in an abusive marriage. It sounds like right from the start, your father has not seen your mother as her own “person” to be cherished or loved but rather as an object to be possessed, owned, controlled and used. If this is the case, she isn’t allowed a separate voice, a personal feeling, a want apart from what he wants, or to disagree, or say “no”. As long as she stays true to the object role and shapes herself to meet every whim of your father, things stay relatively calm. Unfortunately this kind of wifely behavior has too often been applauded as biblical submission and a meek and gentle spirit which it is not.

It is not healthy to lose yourself in another person nor is it wise. Now as your mother is becoming healthier and realizing some important things she’s begun to assert herself. She is not just playing the “good Christian wife role” but is saying “I don’t like to be treated this way” and “That’s not acceptable”. However, as she begins to assert her needs, hurts, and feelings, he feels abandoned, rejected, unloved, and even abused.

The reason? In his mind, her sole purpose in being his wife is to please him, meet his every emotional need and always be available when he wants her. She has no needs of her own because she is not allowed to be a separate person. The more she speaks out about how she thinks, what she wants, how she feels and what she will or won’t do the more disappointed your father becomes.

This is not the helpmate he signed up for. And his “improvements” as your mother mentions are either an attempt to charm her to return to the object role, or as you suspect, “docile resignation” that things will never be the same again. This is still a far cry from a healthy marriage.

So do you encourage your mother to say in the States to receive support and help instead of returning to the mission field after her mother’s birthday? That is your mother’s decision to make, but you can help her think it through all of her choices and to know that if her marriage is to turn around, it is important not only that she continue to grow be the person God made her to be (not an object) but that her husband begin to value and cherish her as a person and not merely as someone who sole purpose is to take care of him, whether physically, emotionally or sexually.

Topic: When I am afraid, what should I do?

2011-09-12T14:39:00.006-04:00

Happy Monday Friends,
This weekend I’ve been on a much needed respite. My dear friend Dee Brestin opened her home to me and I have been blessed. She lives in a lovely house situated on a great lake in Wisconsin and we’ve biked, kayaked, prayed, read, and rested. Sometimes we need breaks in our hectic lives in order to regain our strength and sense of God’s purpose. Dee provided that much needed break for me.

Last night we watched some of the 911 memorial services. They were very moving and brought back many traumatic memories and feelings from that horrible day ten years ago. I started to feel afraid of my flight home today. “What if the terrorists try something today – the day after 9/11?”

We all struggle with fear. Whether it is in these moments of national crisis, or just personal moments of crisis when we can’t reach a loved one for several days or we get a scary diagnosis or our marriage is falling apart. So instead of answering a question from a reader today, I’m going to share with you God’s answer to my fearful heart. He spoke these scriptures to me several weeks ago when I was fearful about a personal crisis, but I reread them this morning and reminded myself of his faithfulness.

Presence: He said, I will be with you always, even to the ends of the earth (Matthew 28:20). I will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5).

Protection: He said, “If God be for you who could be against you? (Romans 8:31). He will shelter you with his wings, his faithful promises are your armor and protection (Psalm 91:4).

Provision: He said, The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need (Psalm 23:1) My grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:8) Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously and he will give you everything you need (Matthew 6:33). And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you (Matthew 6:30).

Purpose: He said, And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28). We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love (Romans 5:3-5).

Peace: He said, I will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stead on him (Isaiah 26:3). My peace I give you, not as the world gives, let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14:27). Don’t be anxious for anything, but by prayer with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7). May the Lord of peace himself, give you his peace at all times and in every situation (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

Friends, I’ve discovered that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but fear So I must ask myself once again, am I going to believe what God says or am I going to believe my own fearful emotions and scary thoughts?

The psalmist says, “When I am afraid I will trust in you “(Psalm 56:3,4). I choose to trust God. How about you?

Topic: What is the difference between coaching and counseling?

2011-09-05T13:32:00.004-04:00

Happy Labor Day,

Since today is a holiday and the last weekend of the official summer season, I thought I’d keep the topic light this week. Since I began offering coaching services, I’ve had quite a number of people write and ask me the difference between coaching and counseling. Instead of responding individually, I thought I’d answer this question in this week’s blog.

And, this week my newsletter will be sent out. If you have not signed up to receive it, go to my home page at www.leslievernick.com and sign up. The topic is on holy listening. Do you know how to listen for God?

Question: What is the difference between coaching and counseling? I have been in counseling before but I see you are now doing coaching too? Is it the same thing? Does my medical insurance cover it?

Answer: Coaching is a relatively new profession, it began in the 80’s but is really growing as more and more people recognize its value. It is not covered by one’s medical insurance but sometimes covered by employers, especially with career coaching, performance coaching and/or executive coaching.

Perhaps most of us are familiar with a sports coach. The coach helps a player gain the skills to enhance his or her performance. The coach also provides encouragement, accountability and structure so that the athlete develops to his or her fullest potential.

In the same way, personal coaches or relationship coaches work with people who want to enhance their current life but lack specific skills necessary to make the progress they desire. They may also feel stuck doing it all alone and want accountability and structure to reach the results they want. A person hires a coach when they need more clarity, greater confidence, better direction, and accountability to reach their desired goals.

Coaches are action oriented. They come along side someone who has specific goals and help them get there. They aren’t necessarily dealing with someone’s past issues or something that is “wrong” but rather they focus on what impedes someone’s progress forward. Most coaches are not counselors but have been trained in the process of coming along side someone and being able to help move them toward a desired result.

There are many different kinds of coaches, life coaches, relationship coaches, business coaches, weight management coaches, clutter coaches, parenting coaches, marketing coaches, etc. Depending on your goals, you would choose a coach that would best help you get where you want to go.

Many counselors see the value of incorporating coaching into their practice, (as they may already do some of this with their counseling clients) however coaching is distinct from counseling. Counseling is usually sought when someone is experiencing emotional pain and struggling with problems in living that they have not been able to solve, get over or get through. Counseling’s focus is primarily healing of past hurts, understanding of present and past problems and resolving any trauma or relationship wounds. There is often an identified mental health diagnosis such as depression or anxiety disorder, especially when insurance coverage is used.

Counseling focus on feelings, coaching focuses on action. Counseling often focuses on the question of why this happened, or why am I feeling this way? Coaches don’t usually look for why, but instead look for how to move forward and what to do next.

Hiring a coach has nothing to do with having deep psychological problems or dysfunctions, but everything to do with wanting to become all that God has called you to be.

Sometimes when there is an overlap, a coach that is also a counselor can help someone through a short bump in the road, but if the client becomes emotionally unstable, overwhelmed, depressed, or unable to function, he/she is referred to a counselor. That doesn’t mean the coaching can’t continue, but the coach doesn’t do the counseling.

On a personal note, the reason I began coaching is that I receive many inquiries from people all over the world who are looking for specific help to become the best possible person they can. Or, they're ready to making some significant changes and need structure and accountability, or they want help moving their relationships forward or rebuilding their life after relationship loss.

If you’d like more information on my three (3) and six (6) month coaching programs please e-mail me at www.leslievernick.com and I’ll send you the information.

The Idolatry of Marriage and the Comfort of God

2011-08-29T09:12:00.004-04:00

Hi Friends,

I hope all my East coast friends survived Hurricane Irene. Thankfully, we only had minor water leakage in our basement and lots of leaves everywhere from all the heavy winds.

Just a reminder, next Tuesday, my newsletter is going out. I will be talking about Holy Listening. Do you know how to hear God? If you’re not already receiving it, you may want to visit my home page at www.leslievernick.com to sign up.

Today’s Question: "I'm not sure how to pose this as a question, exactly. I've come to the realization that I've bought an awful lot of relationship books - even Christian relationship books - that are basically about how to do what you need to do to make your relationship look like you want it to look.
And I've realized that ultimately, the focus is always about establishing my kingdom and not God's. Many of the things I want are good things and things the Bible says should be a part of marriage, but what if my spouse, for reasons I may never know or he may never overcome, is just broken in ways that most hit me at my own brokenness? How do I know when to grieve and accept that part of suffering in marriage may be God's will for me and when I'm asking too much or too little of my husband?

What does it mean, in a practical sense, to be comforted by God? How do I become satisfied in Him so that I can be more gracious (even, or especially, when I need to set a boundary) toward my husband?

Answer: Your question is one every married person needs to ask themselves because in every marriage, there are seasons of dryness, unhappiness, and discontent. It might be that our spouse isn’t hearing us well, doesn’t meet our needs in the way we’d like him/her to, or is deceitful, abusive, controlling, or unfaithful.

The hurt, disappointment and anger we feel can either motivate us to try harder to get what we want from our marriage, turn to another human being to satisfy us, become despairing and depressed, or that pain can turn us toward God to cling to him in a deeper way.

Interestingly, studies at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) indicate that the highest rates for depression for both men and women are among those who are separated and divorced as well as those with high conflict marriages.

So what is the answer?

The Bible clearly affirms the importance of fellowship and relationship (Romans 12:10). The two greatest commandments God gives us have to do with loving connection (Mark 12:29-31). We are to love him first and to love others deeply from the heart (1 Thessalonians 4:9, 10; 1 Peter 1:22).

Wanting good relationships and a loving marriage are godly desires. The challenge begins when we try to do just that but we don’t get the results we hoped for. How do we respond when we don’t get what we want?

Depression, anger, and anxiety result not only from relational distress (as the research has shown), but also from trying to make our human relationships give us something only God gives us. Having a good marriage can become an idolatrous desire when it becomes the centering desire of our heart and rules our life, not to mention our emotions.

The Bible tells us that it’s not only what we think that’s important, but what we love and what we love the most. The scriptures often refer to these things as the desires of our heart. When these other desires rule us, then even good and godly desires like a great marriage become our functional gods, or our idols.

Many people say they love God the most, yet evidence shows lesser loves rule our life (2 Kings 17:40-41). We say God is enough but feel we need God plus more.

So, with that backdrop, let me answer your first question. How do I know when to grieve and accept that part of suffering in marriage may be God's will for me and when I'm asking too much or too little of my husband?

We will always grieve some things we don’t get in our marriage. No husband (or wife) has all 52 cards in a deck as I often tell my counseling and coaching clients. If you want to succeed in marriage, you will need to learn to live with and love a real person, not your idealized version of him/her.

So what is asking too much of a spouse? Is it asking too much of your husband to love you like you’d like? To be honest with you? To never watch pornography? To support you in the manner you’d like to live? To treat you with kindness and respect? To clean up after himself? To be able to fix the toilet and the sink when they have a leak?

Is it too much for a husband to ask his wife never to nag or criticize him? To keep her weight close to what she weighed on her wedding day? To want to have sex every time he desires? To make dinner regularly? To work outside the home to help with finances? To put him first before the children? To respect him, especially in front of others? To not read steamy romance novels or visit internet chat rooms?

One can desire any and all of these things in marriage. The testing begins when you don’t get everything you want. What happens in you and to you? Do you demand what you want more forcefully? Try harder to get what you want? Become depressed? Have an affair? Watch pornography? Eat too much? Drink too much? File for divorce?

Or, do you run to God for wisdom, comfort, and practical help in how to handle these very real hurts and disappointments?

You asked in your question, “What does it mean, in a practical sense, to be comforted by God? How do I become satisfied in Him so that I can be more gracious (even, or especially, when I need to set a boundary) toward my husband?”
This is an excellent question, way too broad to adequately cover in this short blog. I talk about it in my book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, but let me close with just a few thoughts.

The comfort of God comes when we believe what he tells us. He told the Israelites that the reason they failed to enter his Sabbath rest was due to unbelief. (Hebrews 3:19, 4:1) Jesus reminds us that the hard work of faith is believing (John 6:28,29). Clinging to God in faith, trusting in his promises, his provisions, his presence, his protection, and his purposes gives us his peace. When we go our own way we forfeit that peace.

As we center ourselves in the love of God, we are no longer tossed about when our spouse fails us or disappoints us. Yes we hurt, but we have received from God the strength and courage to both forgive our spouse for his/her failings as well as set appropriate boundaries when he or she continues to be unrepentant and destructive to the marriage and to us.

With God as our center, we are equipped to love and be compassionate without being foolish and enabling because God shows us how to love in a way that is in the best interests of the other.

If you’re in that kind of situation right now ask God, “what is in the best interests of my spouse?" Is it to keep quiet, pretend, and allow sin to continue? Or, is it best to give the gift of consequences so that by experiencing the pain of one’s own sinful choices, one is more likely to wake up to the destructiveness of his or her own sin?

Topic: A Wife Can't Trust, A Husband is Repentant.Now What?

2011-08-22T18:35:00.005-04:00

Good evening friends,

Whew, it’s been a whirlwind week of travel, counseling, coaching and writing. I attended Logos Bible Software boot camp last week to learn their software. We were treated so kindly by the entire Logos staff. I had the opportunity to visit with amazing women ministry leaders who wanted to study God’s word using this software.

In the photo above are just some of the women I had the privilege of studying with. They are (bottom left to right) Sharon Jaynes, Karol Ladd, Jennifer Kennedy Dean, (top left to right), Linda Evans Shepherd, Pam Farrel, Me, Carol Kent and Jennie Dimkoff. For more pictures, visit my facebook fan page.

I wish I could tell you I got home and became a bible study wiz, but alas my menopausal brain only could retain a fraction of what I learned but thankfully they gave us printed manuals that I can refer to again and again. But I have at my fingertips tons of commentaries, Greek language studies, dictionaries, various translations of the bible, maps, sermon notes and everything else my heart could imagine.

Pray for me. I can easily become overwhelmed with the responsibilities God has given me.

Today’s Question: I have been facilitating support groups for sexually sinful men for the past 14 years. We added a wives support group 12 years ago. We have had men referred to us by their counselor, pastor, or by their own wife. The deep stabbing pain a wounded wife feels over her husband’s betrayal is overwhelming. I am not able to understand my wife’s pain or entirely why she chose to stay with me in spite of the pain. We are both glad she made that decision from the first day back in 1994.

Many of the men I deal with struggle with a level of narcissism that is often comical. Their childish behavior, the petty lies and the denial that he wasn’t as bad as other men does not impress a wife. On occasion we are blessed with a man who gets it. He knows his actions will be the true indicator of how well he is recovering.

My question is this: If a husband is really working hard to win trust and he appears to be doing the right thing AND his wife refuses to trust him after months (maybe years) of anger, etc. What should the husband do next?

Answer: I am always thrilled to hear how God takes our worst sins and failures and uses them for his glory and to help other people. I am glad you and your wife have done the hard work of healing and are bringing the good news of restoration to other couples through your support groups.

Sexual infidelity strikes at the very heart of marital trust. I believe that is why it is one of the few biblical grounds for divorce. Trust is very difficult to rebuild once it is broken and it sometimes takes a betrayed woman a very long time to fully trust her husband again.

One way of looking at the situation you describe is that she may never fully trust him and that may be one of the consequences of his sin that he (and she) will have to live with if they stay married.

Let me make an analogy. If while driving recklessly, the husband caused an accident that paralyzed his wife, no amount of repentance would change the reality that she is now paralyzed. But together they could learn to live in this new place if she knew he was repentant for his reckless driving habits and he knew she forgave him even though she still remained paralyzed.

You don’t mention the particulars but you do give a few clues that I want flesh out.

First you say that her husband is working hard and appears to be doing the right thing, but he is not getting the results he wants – his wife’s trust. My concern with your question regarding what he should do next makes me wonder why the husband is doing what he’s doing?

In other words, his actions, even though they look right, still seem much about him. Getting his wife to trust him, love him and forgive him so that he has a better marriage. If he doesn’t get those things, will that mean that he stops trying to love his wife and to earn her trust?

The second clue that you mention is that his wife still has a lot of anger toward her husband. Her anger is appropriate for the sin, but to hold on to it for years hinders her ability to forgive and reconcile with her husband.

To heal a broken relationship it takes repentance and forgiveness. Healing cannot fully take place without both. If you have forgiveness, but no real repentance, the relationship continues to be damaged and real trust can never be re-established. On the other hand, if you have repentance but no forgiveness, the relationship still remains broken and genuine intimacy and trust is forsaken.

It seems to me that the wife may be having more problems with forgiveness because she can’t (won’t) let go of her anger. If she could forgive, perhaps they both could lovingly live with the continued lack of trust and together work to rebuild their relationship.

Again, using the analogy of a wife being paralyzed by her husband’s reckless driving. If she forgave him, they could live with the paralysis but she still might be fearful for a long, long, time whenever she is driving with him. As long as he continued to be patient and compassionate with her lack of trust, knowing that his past foolishness caused her great pain and consequence, they would be able to have a loving relationship.

But if he grew impatient and angry because “she wasn’t over it yet” or drove the slightest bit recklessly, it would erase all the good work he had done previously in helping her to feel safe.

So the answer to your question isn’t simple. The husband can continue to work toward rebuilding his wife’s trust by being patient and loving with her lack of it. The wife must learn to let go of her anger and forgive her husband if she wants to have a good marriage. It will take both of their work to make that happen.

If the wife is in the support group, ask her what she gets out of holding on to her anger for all this time? Perhaps it’s her way to punish him. But at what cost both to her and her marriage?

Friends, you who have lived this journey first hand – what are your recommendations?

Thigs you can do to get healing if you can't afford a counselor or coach

2011-08-15T07:47:00.003-04:00

Hi Friends,

I’m heading out to Dallas, Texas to be a part of a women’s ministry training in Logos Bible software. I am so excited to learn how to use this amazing program. I have had it for years but not being very computer savvy, I struggle with figuring out how to use it. I am thankful for this opportunity Logos has provided for me to be at Logos Boot Camp for a day.

Also my first blog, Is it Biblical, posted at www.christiancounseling.com. If you like it comment, tweet, and spread the word. I will be on there twice a month.

Today’s Question: I was in an abusive marriage for 22 years. Before that my grandfather sexually abused me when I was 2 until I started kindergarten. My father emotionally left me once I turned 12 and hit puberty.

Anyway, I am out of the marriage and my ex has remarried so that isn’t happening! I am not actively looking for a man. I am trying to let God heal the areas in my life that need to be healed. I have been in counseling for the sexual abuse but I am scared to death that I will find myself in another abusive relationship.

I also have a 21 year old daughter with issues because of the marriage and I would like to be able to help her more. Can you recommend any avenues of action for us? Books to read, etc? I am 46, single with limited income and no insurance.

Answer I applaud you for wanting to not only survive your abusive past, but to move beyond it. So many people stay stuck wearing the “victim” or “survivor” identity and forget that God has created them for more than that. You want to see your past as what happened to you, not who you are. It’s your history not your identity.

Here are some verses that I’ve been contemplating all month that perhaps you will find helpful in your healing journey.

“For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.

Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can’t see –such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world.

Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else,
And he holds all creation together.

Christ is also the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead.

So he is first in everything. For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, And through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.

This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.

But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News”. (Col 1:13-23)

For me, the most important part of this scripture is “don’t drift away” because if I forget who Christ is or what he has done for me, I’m still living as if I’m in the kingdom of darkness. Satan wants us to forget who we are in Christ. He wants to make us feel shame and think we’re damaged goods or that we still live in the kingdom of darkness and that we’re not holy and blameless.

At times our feelings deceive us and it feels like that’s true. But it’s not. We have been rescued, set free and given a new identity. Because of what Christ has done we are children of light and now our biggest challenge is to learn to live like it. To not forget. To train our mind and our emotions and our actions to live in sync with who we now are and as we do that, we become healthier as people and have healthier relationships with other people.

You may not be able to afford counseling or coaching but you can attend a good church, get involved in bible studies and avail yourself of recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery or other good programs that offer help toward healing and wholeness. Working on your healing in a group setting gives you the opportunity to practice the very things (healthy relationship skills) that you are so afraid you lack because you grew up in the environment you did.

There have been many books that have helped me in my own healing journey. I would have never had the opportunity to talk with these individuals personally, but by reading their books, they counseled and coached me to take the steps toward greater maturity and healing.

Below are a few of my favorites:

Restoring the Christian Soul by Leanne Payne
The Healing Presence by Leanne Payne
The Gift of Becoming Yourself by David Benner
Thirsting for God by Gary Thomas

But this is a community. Let’s share with one another what books, group programs, or other inexpensive things you have done that has helped you grow and heal.

Topic: My alcoholic husband has destroyed my belongings. How seriously should I take this?

2011-08-08T12:18:00.003-04:00

Good morning friends,

I am so excited to be starting my blog experience with the Association of Biblical Counselors, specifically targeting abusive relationships. Please pray with me that biblical counselors and pastors will begin to see that the way many of them have been counseling couples caught in destructive and abusive relationships has been inadequate and at times harmful to the people in the marriage as well as the marriage itself. I think the first one will start next Monday, 8/15

If you want to read my blogs at that site, go to www.christiancounseling.com
I gave the wrong link in my newsletter last week. Thank you Mary for catching it and letting me know that my link was wrong. The blogs will come out twice a month. Tweet and respond them if you like what you read. They need to see that people are applauding their efforts to learn about this.

Next week (August 15th) I’ll be sending out my second newsletter for August, Four Lies About Anger. If you’re not a part of my mailing list but would like to be, please go to my website at www.leslievernick.com and sign up to get it.

This Week’s Question: My alcoholic husband has progressively become more abusive, hateful and vindictive. Last Monday he was angry with me for standing up to him about his mistreatment of our family (no, I wasn't mean or nasty to him, just clear). He went out to our shop and smashed and burned a number of neatly-stored family mementos, including things that belonged to me and to our children. He smashed and burned for hours. Yes, he was drinking but did not seem to be extremely intoxicated.

When I tried to reason with him, he shouted at me and told me over and over that I am "the problem". He has reiterated that to me since.

He has shown no remorse whatsoever. He believes that the whole thing is my fault. He says that I am a "hoarder" and that he is getting out of the "storage business".

We certainly do need to get rid of some things. But I am not a "hoarder". I am constantly going through, improving, organizing, giving things to the thrift store. My friends often comment on how "organized" I am. Managing our belongings is harder and slower when I have to deal with his drunkenness and nastiness so much... I am falling farther and farther behind.

But is keeping baby pictures "hoarding"?! Why didn't he haul off the junk around here, instead of targeting personal keepsakes? And why didn't he just ask me to go through some boxes, instead of violating my possessions like that? I would have been willing to work with him.

It actually would have been really fun to go through some of those things with him... there were some beautiful and memory-triggering items in there. But now they are gone. I am going through some of the things that are left but the job isn't pleasant like it could have been.

His smashing and burning feels like a very direct expression of hatred and disrespect, of power and control messages... like he is showing me that he can do whatever he wants to do to me (us)... only he did it to my (our) things.

How seriously should I take this? What should I do if he tries to do it again?

Answer: You should take his behavior very seriously. Studies of abusive relationships indicate that over time the incidents of abuse are often more frequent and increase in intensity, especially when there are no consequences for such behavior. Your husband’s problem with alcohol makes it a higher probability for continued abuse and danger to you as well.

But your question is what should you do if he tries to do it again? Hear me. He will do it again. He is using his anger as a means to scare you into not questioning or confronting his behavior or holding him accountable for the way he’s treating you. You’ve already noticed the progression. It is time for you to ask yourself some hard questions and make some difficult but important decisions.

1. Are you physically afraid of your husband? Has he threatened harm to you or your children? He’s already destroyed your personal property as a statement to never confront his mistreatment of you again or “things will get worse” .

2. Do you have a safety plan in place when his behavior escalates? Living with someone this long you begin to know his patterns. I’m sure you can sense when he is working up to rage. Obviously when he is drinking, you are more vulnerable.

3. Why did you not call the police when he started his burning rampage in the shop? You knew he was destroying your personal property and family mementoes. You knew he was drinking and his anger escalating. Ask yourself why you didn’t take steps to protect yourself with some legal help?

I am encouraging you to look at these things because when you’re a repeated victim, you have to ask yourself “what’s my part?” That is not to cast blame or make you feel responsible for his behaviors, but you do need to look at why you are staying with someone who is repeatedly treating you in such disrespectful ways, not to mention being scary and abusive.

For example, are you afraid of him? Do you believe God calls you to stay for better or worse? Do you feel like it’s your fault he treats you this way (as he has already indicated?). Are you afraid of being alone? Is it that you can’t support yourself financially?

These may all be legitimate concerns why you have accepted living this way but facing them helps you to take some ownership back over your life. Whatever they are, begin to work on getting yourself to a healthier place so that your fears do not control you or make you feel helpless in this difficult situation.

Hear me: You’ve already tried speaking up. There is no “reasoning” with someone like this. Proverbs warns us, “It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than to confront a fool caught in foolishness” (Proverbs 16:12 NLT).

Reasonable people don’t purposely destroy someone else’s personal property. And if they did something foolish while drinking alcohol, they would make amends and restitution, not blame the other person for their destructive behaviors. The time for talking about his mistreatment of you and the children is over with. It’s time to take action.

I can’t tell you what specific action to take but let me give you some suggestions.
You may need to separate for safety purposes. I would definitely get some good counsel on this step because sometimes separating from an abusive person increases your risk of being harmed.

You can consult with your local woman’s shelter or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800 799 SAFE (7233) for advice in developing a safety plan for yourself and your children.

If you’re not prepared to take that drastic of a step right now, you will need to get ready because it probably will come to that. That does not mean that reconciliation is not possible. It just means that you cannot live in a home where you fear for your personal safety. Until he takes responsibility for his behavior, his angry attitude, and his drinking problem, and gets some accountability and help, you and the children are not safe.

If you decide to stay for now, it is important that you get ready to firmly take a stand. You may or may not announce this to your husband. You’ll have to decide the wisdom and timing of it however, if he ever does anything close to what he did in the garage, you must call the police.

It’s important that you send a very clear message to your husband right now and the only message he will hear are painful consequences, either you leaving or legal intervention. The crystal clear message you must convey now through your actions (because he has rejected your words) is you will not continue to allow yourself or the children to be treated LIKE THIS.

Police involvement is important because they are the only ones that can provide the vehicle (legal) to mandate your husband into some sort of treatment, either alcohol rehab or anger management. It also provides a document of your concerns if you should later need to get a Protection from Abuse order from the court.

Lastly, I don’t know your husband but you do. I don’t know what kind of man he’s become or has been but my guess is he doesn’t like himself anymore than you do, but his pride and alcohol is deceiving him.

Try to speak into his good qualities – whatever you have known of him to be a good father or husband and say something like: “I don’t know what is going on with you, but the man I’ve known all these years would not want to treat his family this way either. I want you to get some help. I can’t live like this.”

Do not say this as a request, it is a statement. You are not asking him, you are telling him. It is not a discussion open for debate. He needs to get the message loud and clear you will not live LIKE THIS anymore!

I hope you have informed your pastor, and/or family of your dilemma. You will need their support. You do not need to do this alone. Get some help for yourself.

Topic: Has my husband really changed? Should I reconcile?

2011-07-31T19:23:00.002-04:00

Blessings friends,

I posted Sunday because Monday I will be in NYC all day with a friend whose husband is having major surgery. I’d appreciate your prayers.

Thank you for your wonderful response to my new coaching programs. There are still a few more spots if you’re interested. Please contact me for an application.

This month’s newsletter is going out Monday 8/1 , called, Ten Questions that Can Change Your Life. If you do not receive a newsletter and would like to, please sign up at www.leslievernick.com.

This Week’s Question: My husband and I have been married for 34 years. During the early years of our marriage he was unfaithful several times (I believe one night stands). He tells me now that he has not been physical with another woman for many years. He has, although continued to flirt when we are out together and stop in to see woman (who he calls friends) during his work day, he is a truck driver.

He has also been very controlling and was very nasty to our children when they were young, emotionally scarring them. Two years ago he began acting very weird for about 3 months and one of his co-workers didn't know that I was his wife and came in to a public place and was telling the women there that my husband was a REAL womanizer. Of course, when he found out that I was his wife he said that he was only kidding. That was the last straw and I left my husband, separating our assets.

We have been separated for 18 months now and our divorce is in its final stage. I have had a really difficult time with the separation, probably due to co-dependency. I was 17 when we got married. Now we have decided to try getting back together and see if we can make this work.

I bought a condo and he sold his house and moved in with me. He lost money on the house as the market dropped, therefore he insists that we put our money back together or it is not a marriage and he is going to finalize our divorce.

I am afraid to put the money back together as he was very nasty when we split and said that I didn't deserve as much as him. I ended up agreeing to take less, and my lawyer made me sign a paper stating that I did not do what he had advised and what was legal (split the assets 50/50). My husband is also very manipulative and lies. We went to New Life Weekend and the counselor there said that he is narcissistic.

My husband has been going to a prayer group at his church 3 mornings a week and reading scripture and praying. He has also tried to form a relationship with our boys and grandchildren. I would like to believe that he has changed from the inside out.

My counselor advised that I do not put our money together or retire (as he also wants me to do that). He said that he is going to tell our sons this weekend that he just can't take any more, and that he is calling his lawyer on Monday to finalize the divorce. I 'm panicking because I don't know whether to stop him and just give in.

Any advice that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Answer: It sounds to me that your husband is still controlling and you're still being manipulated. I guess you will have to decide whether or not you want to live the rest of your life that way.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. From what I read, nothing much has changed on the inside even though he’s going to prayer meetings and reading his bible. Please don't live the fantasy of who you wish he was, open your eyes, see where he really is right now and ask yourself if you want to go back to the same old things?

You didn't listen to your lawyer, you're not listening to your counselor, I'm not sure you’re ready for my counsel either.

I wish I had better news to give you but I would advise you both to continue your individual work but not put yourself at risk financially by joining monies or retiring right now. Perhaps he’s changing, but there is not enough evidence to trust that. Time will tell.

If you want to give your reconciliation a chance to see if deeper change has really happened, tell your husband that although you love him and would like to see if you can reconcile your relationship, he’s had a history of deceit, controlling behaviors and manipulation and you are not comfortable with pooling your financial pot at this time. But over time if you see that he’s truly changed, then you will reconsider in a year.

See if he’ll respect you and understand that his past behavior has caused this breakdown in marital trust and that it’s up to him to be patient with earning your trust back.

But from what you wrote, he’s already threatening to go through with the divorce because you’re not giving him what he wants. Sound familiar?

Topic: A Christian counselor feels shame that her marriage is a mess

2011-07-25T10:19:00.004-04:00

Dear Blogging Friends,

I am very excited to announce I am going to be offering some personal one-on-one coaching. Here are just some of the results you will receive.

Gain greater clarity on your life’s difficulties and how to handle them from God’s perspective,
Develop deeper closeness and connection with God
Become more compassionate towards yourself and others
Find the courage to take new risks
Acquire the confidence speak your thoughts and feelings constructively.
Learn to live from your compass, your true north instead of the clock.

I have two coaching programs I will be officially introducing in September. One is my 6 month 12 session Ready to Thrive, and the other is a 3 month 6 session Empowered to Change program. Please contact my office at leslie@leslievernick.com for an application. I have limited openings so I thought I would let my blog friends and those who subscribe to my monthly newsletter the first opportunity.

This week’s question is from a fellow Christian counselor who is struggling with what she knows to be true and her personal experience. I felt this sister reflected the angst of many who really try to follow God’s plan for her life and then ends up
in a wilderness of suffering, scratching her head and wondering, “Does God see me?”

Today’s Question: I am a Licensed Clinician and having been practicing for about 12 or so years. I thank God everyday for the skills that have kept me sane in a web of chaos, anger and deceit created by my husband. Without them and the Lord I don't know how I would have survived being faithful to a husband that has starved me of all provision.

I followed biblical counsel prior to marriage, sought the Lord's RSVP to marry my husband and set all the appropriate boundaries. How could this have happened?

Now I am reflecting back asking "Did I miss something?" How could I end up in such a fruitless marriage. I have searched for 7 years for one sentence to describe the pain and confusion I have endured. I finally found it! "He came through my life like a hurricane, exited and left me standing in the rubble trying to rebuild the life that he destroyed. He has no recognition and feels no remorse.

Despite my husband's lack of any type of provision...I stand on the truth of God's word and take my marital vows seriously! I don't want a divorce...BUT how much can one person take? I feel like I am going "CRAZY!" The more Christian wisdom I seek the more confused I become.

I don't want to manipulate God's word for my benefit or relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows. His word gives two options for divorce. What now? Forever damned?

How do I heal? Where is God in all of this? I have set the appropriate boundaries and continue to do so along with communicating cold hard truths (in love) to my husband despite his ability to conceptualize the data. He appears to be making some changes, but I am so far into the red. Even if he can stick with it...How can I survive such slow and ongoing progress when I have been starved beyond belief? It is like I have been sitting at God's banquet table for 7 years...without one meal!

I don't know the answer, but continuing to "Bear up under this" is NOT. Continuing to exercise the muscle of faith is not making the marriage stronger and feels like an exhaustive & fruitless exercise.

What is the answer? When is enough...just enough? And how do you sort through the hard truths of God's word. I have sought much Christian guidance and sad to say...it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging! Pastoral staff have simply caused more pain and cause those in search of God's truth and healing to retreat into isolation for refuge...which leads you back to the place you started.

I don't want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. What is the answer? Does joy exist? What does it look like? What does a biblical recovering/healing marriage model look like?

Surely, I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb! I am very ashamed that this is my life and more deeply ashamed as a Clinician that I find myself in this predicament. I am not looking for an easy way out...I want out through the way of the truth (whatever that looks like). But the darkness has become so dense I cannot find the light!

Answer: I hear you. I left much of your question in tact because you articulated so well the anguish that so many women feel in this kind of marriage. I also wanted other Christian leaders to see how deeply hurt you have been by the lack of wise counsel. This grieves me. My heart’s desire is that pastors, Christian leaders, counselors and Biblical counselors would understand the dynamics of these relationships more clearly so that they would be able to offer wise and competent help.

I could answer your questions from many different perspectives. If you’ve read past answers you will probably have already sensed some of what I’m about to say, but I just want to add some new thoughts and a couple of reminders.

You desire to honor your marriage vows and keep the sacred covenant of marriage and from what you’ve indicated, it sounds like you have. But you can’t keep your marriage covenant intact by yourself. It is a sacred covenant entered into between two people. When one breaks the covenant, or is faithless, the relationship is broken. The good news is it can be restored through personal repentance. The bad news is that without that, the marriage can never be what God intends.

Here me: Sin damages relationships. You only have to start reading in Genesis to see the truth of this. Cain killed Abel. Joseph brother’s sold him into slavery. Jacob stole Essau’s birthright and they feuded for years before reconciling.

God made a sacred covenant with the Jewish people but when Israel and Judah left God to worship idols, their relationship with God was broken. After much anguish, God gave them a certificate of divorce, while still longing for their heart-felt repentance. He did not want their lip service or going through the motions kind of relationship, he wanted genuine love and repentance (See Jeremiah 3:6-14).

You are right to want to see repentance, remorse and recognition of your husband’s sin against you, but it is not happening. There is more lip service but not real change.

You said that you believe the scriptures give only two reasons for divorce but you did not mention what they are. Most likely you are referencing adultery and abandonment. I don’t know if you qualify because of adultery but it definitely sounds as if you’ve been abandoned, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, even if your husband continues to reside in your house.

When a couple enters into the sacred covenant of marriage you make promises to be sexually faithful and to be faithful to provide, protect and care for the one you are marrying. Abandonment isn’t simply physically leaving the home you share, it is failing to keep your covenantal promises with no recognition, no remorse, and no repentance. It’s an overall lack of faithfulness, maybe not sexually but emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally. It’s taking care of your own needs at your partner’s expense. It’s not caring, not providing, not protecting and not honoring. It’s leaving the relationship even when you haven’t physically left the physical domain.

So dear one, God knows your betrayal. God understands your pain. Even though you felt his blessing on your choice of a life-partner, he does not control your husband’s choices anymore than he controlled Israel’s choices.

I know you do not want a divorce, but the truth is, you have been divorced, perhaps not legally yet but emotionally and spiritually. Now it’s time for you to heal and the only way to do that is to live in truth and reality and not what you wished would be.

I fear sometimes the church has made the same mistake with the sacredness of marriage that the Pharisees in Christ’s day made with the sacredness of the Sabbath. Jesus’ “irreverent” behavior on the Sabbath infuriated the religious leaders. He wasn’t following the “rules” He healed people. He allowed his disciples to pick grain. Yet when challenged, Jesus responded by asking, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or destroy it? (See Mark 3 and Luke 6).

Jesus said that Moses allowed divorce because of their hardness of heart. (Matthew 19:8-9) He went on to rebuke the trivial reasons that men divorced their wives and affirm that marriage was meant to be permanent, but even Jesus acknowledged that sometimes it isn’t possible. In the Old Testament we see that even God divorced Israel and Judah for their hardness of heart. (Jeremiah 3) all the while hoping she would come to her senses and repent.

Loss of trust and loss of relationship are the consequences of serious, unrepentant sin even in marriage. Stop beating yourself up and start to move toward God in healing and restoration of your own relationship with him. He is for you not against you. He loves you with an everlasting love and has not abandoned you. He does not ask you to be the sacrificial lamb, he already provided one. Jesus.

Just because you are a Christian counselor doesn’t mean you can work magic in your marriage. You cannot change your husband. You may influence him and invite him into change, but ultimately his change of heart and habit is between him and God.

In my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I speak about my own struggle dealing with my destructive relationship with my mother. As a Christian and Christian counselor I felt like I should know what to do to fix this. I could not. All I could do was work on me and heal so that I would not be destroyed. Please get yourself into some supportive relationships and perhaps godly counsel so that you can work on your healing.

Topic: My ex-husband is threatening suicide. What do I do?

2011-07-18T11:12:00.004-04:00

Hello friends,

Today I'm in sunny California, getting ready to leave for home in a few hours. I've been babysitting my beautiful granddaughter for the weekend. We've had a great time getting to know one another. Grandchildren are the best!

Today’s Question: I was in a dysfunctional marriage for 35 years. My husband was emotionally destructive and a big manipulator. I was easily manipulated because if I did not go along with his thoughts, he did punishing behavior. There was a lot wrong - I read your book on emotionally destructive relationships. We had all sorts of counseling, but the "problem" was always me he thought; he would not accept any responsibility or accountability.

Long story short we were divorced. I moved. He was not able to manipulate me
any longer. Our alimony issue has been in the court system for almost three
years - at first it was an unfair judgment, so I appealed and won. Now the judge
came back with a fair ruling and my ex wants to appeal this! He cannot. He is
now becoming very depressed and my son is afraid he may hurt himself. This is
the only time he has not been able to manipulate an outcome.

What is my role here? Mainly to pray is what I see. He has not submitted to an
authority that I know of. He needs emotional help, but has not reached out for
any. I see this as the Lord allowing him to come to the end of himself. I do
not have any contact with my ex-husband.

What is the likelihood he will hurt himself and what do you advise? I am not
sure if with the depression is he trying to manipulate me through my children or
not. They have recommended Christian counseling to him and my son has told him
to, "cry out to the Lord".

Answer: It is quite frightening when someone threatens suicide or is so depressed that you worry that he might do harm to himself. Your children, specifically your son feels caught in the middle and I’m sure he too feels very frightened. We want to do all we can to help a person in distress, but sometimes people do use threats of suicide and self-harm to get us to give them what they want. And, often it works. We’re afraid if we don’t give in, we will have to live with the guilt of their death.

Hear me. It is not your fault if your husband chooses to kill himself if you do not give in and cave to his demands. However, I do want to give you some things to consider (and to share with your son) since your question was regarding the likelihood he will hurt himself.

The research on high suicide risk people have identified a number of factors. If your husband fits these categories, then the risk of him attempting suicide and/or succeeding is higher than those who don’t fit these risk factors.

People who are depressed, have mood disorders or bi-polar disorder, alcoholism, and substance abuse, low social support, family history of suicide or previous history of suicide attempts, are higher risk. Some big days for high suicides are New Years Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day. Surprisingly the biggest factor in suicide is not depression but hopelessness.

Your ex-husband seems like he’s lost what is most meaningful to him (his money) and hopelessness might be a factor here. You’re right in praying for him. Jesus warns us that wherever our treasure is, there the desires of our heart will be also. God is longing for your husband to switch masters, from money to Him. (Matthew 6:21-24)

If your husband is suffering from depression or bi-polar disorder he needs some help in dealing with his feelings of suicide. However, unless he becomes a danger to himself or others, there is little you (or your son) can do to make him receive the help he so desperately needs.

However, here are a few more things you can do to help you handle this dilemma.
If your husband threatens suicide, call Crisis Intervention or the Police. Crisis Intervention’s phone number can be found in the blue pages of your phone book for your locality. Make sure you have that number programmed into your cell phone in case he calls you or your sons call you in a crisis. This is too big for you to handle alone. Your husband needs to learn that if he threatens suicide, this is the result. Crisis Intervention or the Police will take him to the hospital to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. That may be the most loving and helpful thing you can do for him.

Second, if he calls you threatening suicide, be compassionate, but maintain your boundaries. Suicide is an irreversible decision often made in a moment of emotional angst. You can show compassion for his sense of hopelessness, but that doesn’t mean you must give in to his demands. Empathize with his feelings while internally maintaining your own boundaries and need to take care of yourself. Ask him where he is at the moment (home, work, at a park). Encourage him that things are not hopeless and to get the help he needs to deal with his feelings. Provide him with phone numbers (or give your son phone numbers) of Christian counselors who will help him. But if you feel scared or concerned in any way that he is going to harm himself, call the police or Crisis Intervention.

It is tempting to give in to his demands in order to prevent his taking his life but this is a short term solution to a deeper problem. Even if you were to give in to his immediate demands, then what? If he can get what he wants by threatening his own life, then he will continue to manipulate and control everyone to give him what he wants. Part of emotional maturity is learning that we don’t always get what we want and handling our own disappointment, hurt, and/or anger.

Lastly, it’s been my experience that when someone is actively suicidal, Satan is often actively taunting this person to take his own life. Prayer (as you already indicated you are doing) is a great help in dealing with the demonic forces at play in a suicidal person’s thought life. There are no easy answers or simple solutions but I applaud your desire to be supportive to your adult children and your resolve not to be manipulated into doing something you do not want to do.

Topic: Crazy Making Behaviors

2011-07-11T21:05:00.003-04:00

Good Monday friends,

I have some exciting news to share with you. I have been invited to be a regular blogger (2 x a month) for the Association of Biblical Counselors. I am going to be blogging about the same topics that I’ve addressed in this blog for years, but gearing it toward counselors and pastors who need to know how to address the issues of domestic violence, verbal abuse and emotionally destructive relationships in a biblically wise and competent manner. Rejoice with me how God has opened this door for me and pray that I will stay focused and close to Jesus in the blur of opportunities. My first blog will begin in August and if you want to read it, you can find the site at www.christiancounseling.com

I’m leaving on Thursday to visit my daughter’s family and spend time with my precious granddaughter. It is their third anniversary and so I’m giving them time together before their new daughter arrives in October. I will get my blog out to you – Hopefully Monday with a photo of Amaya and me.

Today’s Question: It took me many years to know (almost) for sure that my husband is emotionally abusive. In the beginning of our relationship it seemed like a fairy tale. I wanted to make him happy. I catered to his every need. I do want to add that I was not a Christian when we met. I would look for love any way I could get it and thought that usually meant through sex and being servant-like to guys.

So my husband seemed wonderful and made me feel secure at first. But soon that all changed. I was a stay at home mom and he took control of all the money. He refused to buy me pads or anything to use for my period. He would not give me money to do laundry at the laundry mat. He had to come with me to the grocery store. He refused to pay the bills but bought himself whatever he wanted. He told me I was too sensitive and that I always make him out to be the bad guy. He lied to me about small things and big things and said (and still says) that he has never lied to me and that I always think the worst of him.

Once I became a Christian a light went on in my head. I was worth something. We have been married 16 years and have two boys. My oldest son wants me to leave. He says “mom he treats you (us) terrible.”

I feel like I am crazy one minute and then the next minute I know that it’s emotional abuse. This morning my husband said, “You seem to think I lie to you all the time when I have never lied to you.” He can seem so calm and in control at times and so out of control others. He will not listen to me and when I comment about his behavior or something he said, he tells me That’s ridiculous.” Or “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Am I crazy or what? What are my next steps?

Answer: It feels crazy doesn’t it? My heart goes out to you and anyone else who lives this way. This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage but more like a POW camp. But here’s the deal. Nothing will change if nothing changes. That means that if you want something to be different, you will need to initiate some changes. Why? Because the way it is right now is not only toxic for you and your boys but believe it or not, it’s destructive for your husband as well.

First it’s important for you to get some good Christian support. When we are isolated, the words of an abusive person ring truer than when we have other voices to listen to. I just finished reading a book called Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption. It’s the true story of Louie Zamperini, an Olympic runner. who was a prisoner of war during WW2. Isolation was one of the tactics used by the Japanese to mentally and emotionally break the soldiers down. When they weren’t allowed to communicate with their fellow prisoners of war and receive support, comfort, and validation, it was impossible for many of them to stay strong, hopeful and even sane.

But another important thing I realized as I read this book is was the Japanese soldiers who treated American prisoners inhumanly didn’t feel good either. Lording over someone and being cruel doesn’t only dehumanize and degrade the victim it dehumanizes and degrades the person doing the abuse. For the best interests of everyone in your family, it’s time to initiate some changes.

There is a tremendous imbalance of power and control in your home. Your husband has all the power and control, you are the slave. He controls the finances, he controls the mood of the home, he controls what you do, where you go, and even tries to control what you think and how you feel. That’s why you are constantly questioning your own thoughts and feelings and ask yourself “am I crazy?” For example, he twists reality (saying, “I’ve never lied to you”) but your own gut and experience tells you something very different. That’s crazy making and not God’s best for you, or for him.

Several weeks ago in this blog, I wrote about mutuality in marriage. The title of the blog was Who has the Final Say? God’s design for marriage is to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. When you became a Christian you began to experience your true value and worth. Now it’s time to learn to live as if those things are true.

When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy.

From this new place you can invite your spouse into some needed changes. If he refuses, don’t beg, plead, or badger or argue. Simply step back and allow him to experience his own core loneliness, unhappiness, and misery without taking responsibility for his feelings.

Here is an important insight that may help you understand your husband’s behavior. When a man doesn’t feel good about himself he often gets mean. This doesn’t excuse his behavior but if that’s one of the reasons he’s behaving the way he is, you might want to ask him to answer a question for you. When the time is right ask him,

“What is the single most important thing you want to be as a husband and father?”

His answer may surprise you. I doubt his response will reflect his current behaviors. I’ve never met an abusive man who said, “I want to be cruel, a dictator, a liar and someone who scares his family”. Deep down, most men want to be more loving husbands and fathers but don’t know how.

They get caught in their own internal lies, shame and self hatred over their inadequacies and failures (real and imagined) and usually do not know God’s forgiveness or the way out. Remember, that does not excuse his mean and controlling behaviors toward you but it may help you feel less crazy and enable you to actually feel some compassion (versus resentment) toward him as you speak up and require him to treat you and the children differently.

Next time he is disrespectful, abusive, or controlling, lovingly but firmly invite him to live up to his core values and treat you and your children from the person he wants to be, not how he feels in the moment. If he refuses, (which he very well might do), then he not only looses the opportunity to grow as a husband and father, he loses the closeness and fellowship of his family. Unfortunately, sometimes consequences, including separation are the only things that will wake him up enough to begin to want to change. Actually doing the hard work of change will be his next challenge.

That’s why you both need the support of loving people to help you on this journey. There is no short cut to growth and healing but it is God’s will that you both know him and mature and live in the truth of who He is and who we are in Him.

Press on dear one. For your growth, for the wellbeing of your husband and the future of your boys and family, take these next courageous steps and see what God does.

Topic: My husband's a sex addict and chronic liar. How do I tell our mutual church friends why I'm divorcing him.

2011-07-04T17:53:00.004-04:00

Happy Fourth of July Everyone,

I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. I did. This has been one of the most relaxing summers I’ve had in a while. No deadlines looming and it’s a nice break. I’ve got some exciting news I want to share with you but am going to wait until the final details are ironed out. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell you all about it next week but please pray that it comes together.

Today’s Question: I’m married 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Two kids, daughter age 20, son age 12. I thought we had a fantastic marriage, with just the usual ups and downs and stresses that all families face. Before we got married, I knew my husband had a temper. He's always been quick to judge others. Our daughter, who just turned 20, and I have talked often about how he has a double standard....."do as I say, not as I do"... and certainly don't call him on what he does wrong. His abuse over the years has been verbal...belittling, demeaning, controlling, yelling. But that's not something a "good Christian" divorces over......so I thought I'd just live with it.

My husband seemed to go through these cycles of anger. He'd get angry at something, I'd have to pry out of him what was wrong, usually something I did (house isn't clean, laundry's not done, I don't cook enough, not enough sex). I'd straighten up and do better, and he'd treat me better. But 3 years ago, I found something that changed everything. He was mad at me, but all those checklist items that he normally accused me of were clearly not the problem at the time. So I got suspicious. It was then that I found out he was cheating on me.

Over the next 18 months, both of us in counseling, him for sexual addiction...I found out, in little drips and drabs that he had been with more than a dozen women, mostly one night hookups, ever since about our 3rd year of marriage! He had been able to keep these lies a secret for more than 20 years! And I didn't know.

I finally asked him to move out of the house and I started divorce proceedings a year ago. But the attorney’s became so expensive; he convinced me that we could "work out" a settlement without paying attorneys. I agreed, and we put a settlement in writing....which he refused to sign because "my word is good, I'll take care of you".

He truly hopes our marriage will be restored in time, reminding me often that I am his wife and we are only separated. A year later, after watching him closely, he continues to lie.....has continued to cheat, blaming the addiction. His finances are nothing but lies, and he has recently decided to not honor a key part of our verbal settlement agreement. I have a new appointment with my attorney tomorrow, to resume divorce proceedings.

Outward appearances, he is charming, funny, helpful to anyone who asks, giving, hardworking....a great guy! We have been going to the same church since we were in elementary school.....we have the same friends. His "story" to those he tells is that he "messed up big time", and that he's working hard to restore my trust. They believe he is the good guy he portrays, still buying me flowers every week and bringing them to my workplace. He is still active in our church, acting like nothing is different.

However, I've been very, very reluctant to tell details, not wanting to put our friends in the middle, where they feel it's "he said/she said". Which puts me in a position where I feel as though I have little support from our friends there. It's a large church, and it's not unusual for someone to come to me each Sunday and ask if he and I "will make it". I love my friends....I love the church we go to....how do I let them understand it is so much worse than they can imagine, that it is full blown, Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole-bizarre????. Even though he's the one who cheated, I'm the one who filed for divorce....and it feels like that is what people key in on. He wants to restore the marriage, I don't think he can ever be trusted! How can I relay to friends and other church friends that with what he has done and what he continues to do, that I am doing the right thing?

Beyond that, if I feared his anger before, he is going to be beyond livid when the new papers from the attorney show up. How do I go about protecting my heart from his vindictive, acidic, 5-year-old temper tantrums? (that's what our daughter calls them) . I am afraid of what he might do.

Answer: I’m perplexed about your initial description that you thought you had a fantastic marriage with the usual ups and downs but then go on to describe years of temper tantrums, belittling, controlling behaviors and verbal abuse that were standard fare even before you found out about all the lies and sexual acting out.

You wrote, “It’s not something a good Christian divorces over…” so I thought I’d live with it. Your marriage doesn’t sound so fantastic to me, even before you discovered all the lies and affairs.

Next you indicate that your husband is a master liar. He’s been able to keep his sexual addiction a secret for more than 20 years and you had no clue. So what I want you to ask yourself is this. When he convinced you to drop your attorney and agree to a financial settlement that he refused to sign because “my word is good” why would you believe that? His word has been anything but good.

Now a year later you continue to catch him in deceit and affairs and yet he’s telling everyone that although he’s messed up big time, he’s working hard to restore your trust. What exactly is he doing to restore your trust? Buying flowers doesn’t restore trust. Telling the truth, being accountable and keeping one’s word does. From what you have written, there is none of that.

So you have some tough choices to make but ones based on the evidence before you. From what you say, there is no evidence that your husband is repentant or working on changing his ways. Charm is deceitful and your husband oozes charm, but he’s lacking godly character.

Does your pastor know what’s going on? I know you are reluctant to tell your “story” to all of your mutual friends and I affirm your desire to not to put them in the middle but at the very least, your pastor needs to know the full story so that he can support you and as the shepherd of the flock, hold your husband accountable if he is actively involved in his church. Your pastor not only needs to know about the sexual addiction, but also the years of deceit, continued deceit and abusive behaviors.

I also think that you might need to sit down with your pastor either together or separately and work out a plan of what you are going to tell your mutual friends. Although he’s admitted messing up big time, he’s still being deceitful when he says “he’s working hard to restore your trust.” I think it would be more honest to say “I’ve messed up big time” and for you to say, “I don’t think that trust can be restored.”

You’ve decided to re-file the divorce papers. As you take this step you will need to accept that you will never receive everyone’s support. Some people will understand, other’s will not. It’s important as you take this step that you have a clear conscious and are sure of God’s leading. Also ask your church leaders (and their wives) to stand with you and affirm that you indeed have Biblical grounds for divorce (as you do). Without having to give all the details to all of your friends, the leadership support would be a big help with your Christian community.

Lastly you asked how you can protect your heart from his vindictive tantrums. Probably the best way is to limit your contact with him. I would encourage you to put up some really firm boundaries right now. For example, no phone calls. No personal contact. E-mails only (so you have everything in writing) or communicating through your attorneys.

One more thing. He will not like your strength as he’s used to manipulating and controlling what you do and how you think. If you don’t feel strong enough to be firm, surround yourself with some strong female friends who will help you stick to your resolve. He’s a sweet talker and seems good at convincing you that his lies are true.

Finally, remember that his tantrums and what he says and does is not about you and what you have done or haven’t done. Bottom line is that his actions and attitudes show you where his heart is. Jesus reminds us that it is “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:46). When someone’s about to vomit all over us, we don’t ask ourselves why they are doing that, we just get out of their way.

Topic: Challenging Your Counselor

2011-06-27T12:33:00.011-04:00

Good Morning: This weekend I did nothing. Well not exactly nothing, but I went to the beach with 3 girlfriends with no agenda, no projects, no deadlines, no schedule. We just did what we felt like which was nothing but sit and read. It was a nice break in a hectic life and a beautiful weekend. There is something about the ocean that soothes the soul and reminds us of our smallness and God’s greatness.

I hope you received my newsletter called Are Poisonous Snakes Biting You that was sent out this past week. If you did not receive it and would like to, please go to my website at www.leslievernick.com and sign up for my newsletter, and we will promptly get a copy out to you.

I am also conducting a survey of what kinds of topics you would like to see me address in the newsletter and how I can better serve you and meet your needs. If you’d like to take a moment to fill out the survey, I would love your input. You will receive a free gift on 9 Tactics of Manipulators and How to Break Free, Four Truths about Anger and Letting go of Resentment. I think you’ll find these topics very helpful. You can access the suvey here Survey.

Today’s question is from a reader who has written before. She struggles with the advice she receives from a “biblical counselor” who doesn’t seem to understand the dynamics of an abusive/destructive relationship.

Today’s Question: I am in a sort of joint counseling with a Biblical counselor at the present as well as in individual counseling with a therapist. Since my husband abused me 2.5 years ago, he has not been back in the house. There have been some changes in him but the core attitudes which drive the behaviors have not changed. I continue to wait.

The counselor told me that I was exercising conditional love and Christ did not do this. I have no solid answer for him. Is he right? He also told my husband yesterday that he was to move back in whether I approved or not within one week. He said the church never condoned more than 4-6 weeks separation and that would only be for physical abuse. I asked him where in Scripture did it say that? His response was that Scriptures say for a husband and wife to be one. I left sad and hurt but not destroyed this time by the “churches” beliefs toward me.

How and when does a woman be silent and win her husband without a word? At what point does doing that become a passive way to be in a relationship? This is all so confusing. Any advice?

Answer: I feel for your situation. Since I've heard from you before, I know you want to do the godly thing. You want to do what's right but you’re questioning whether your counselor is giving you wise advice in your particular situation.

First, I do not know the history or current details of your marriage as well as he does for sure. I am an outside observer and I only hear your perspective and I'm limited at that. But based on my years of counseling individuals and couples in similar situations, I want to give you some perspective, some things to think about, and maybe even some things to ask your counselor.

You indicate that although you’ve seen some behavioral change in your husband, the underlying attitudes of entitlement are still there. Can you describe or define these attitudes for your joint counselor? For example, “he expects to get all the perks of marriage without having to do the work of being honest or being caring and this is how this attitude showed up this week in our interactions.” (Then describe it for him.)

Or “I still feel scared around him because although he doesn’t hit me, he still acts like he might and, if he moves home, what guarantee will I have that he won’t do the same thing he did before when he gets mad at me?”

The scriptures tell us that we can identify someone by their actions (Matthew 7:28). What specific things does your husband do that exhibit this entitlement mindset?

I do not know what your counselor is “working” on with your spouse but from what you indicate in your letter, most of the attention seems to be on you. Why is it your responsibility for the long seperation and not your husband's hard heart. Your counselor tells you that you aren’t loving well. Does unconditional love mean you continue to allow someone to sin against you without consequence and still maintain intimacy and fellowship with him/her? I don’t believe that’s what the scriptures teach.

It sounds as if he is also saying that you must reconcile without your husband’s repentance or change. That is not biblical. Unconditional love does not entitle one to unconditional relationship. I think your counselor has it mixed up. I would greatly encourage you to go to my website and print out the article For Better or Worse and give it to your counselor to read. That may help him see things a little bit differently.

It also seems to me like your counselor may have some misconceptions of marriage. One of the first ingredients in rebuilding a broken relationship where abuse has been present is establishing safety. It sounds as if you still do not feel safe and that there is no safety plan in place. Your counselor has told your husband to move back home regardless of how you feel, which is disrespectful and doesn’t support a perspective of mutual caring, mutual respect or mutual honesty.

If your counselor felt strongly that it was time for your husband to move home and for you to live together again he could certainly speak with you about it and address your fears and help you work through those.

Or, he could have confronted your unruliness (if that was how he saw you) or ask you to pray about it, etc, etc, etc, but to just tell your husband to move back against your wishes actually supports a “power over” mentality where he and your husband do what they want regardless of how you feel or what you say. Why do you have no say?

If moving home is a mutual goal, then there needs to be a safety plan in place which your husband will not only agree to, but can actually do when he’s angry or upset. This will begin to create safety.

For example, when I’m working with couples who desire to reconcile, we start talking about safety goals right away. You cannot even begin to heal a broken relationship if someone feels scared for their safety, scared to speak up, scared to be honest, or scared to disagree.

When working with a couple who desires to be reconciled, I encourage them to begin to develop a safety first priority, even while separated. Now, for any reason when one of them feels unsafe, they say “I don’t feel safe right now.” The offending spouse at that moment must stop doing whatever they are doing, even if they don’t think it was wrong or offensive.

That means when a phone conversation gets heated and you say to your husband “I feel unsafe, I don’t like your tone,” your husband will respect your feelings and stop. He will not take it out on you in some other way. If he is incapable of respecting your boundaries or feelings while you are separated, he will never do it when he’s back home. Again, I do not know the whole story but to advise your husband to move back in regardless of your feelings or perspective seems very wrong to me.

I don’t “endorse” long separations but sometimes they are necessary. Changing these sinful behaviors takes time and, even when someone sincerely wants to be different, old habits and attitudes die hard.

The Scriptures do endorse the oneness of marriage but they also endorse lots of things that go into that oneness such as faithfulness, love, trust, mutuality of care, etc. When those things have been broken you do not have oneness. When it must be rebuilt, you do not go about it by forcing one person to live with the offending person without addressing the issues of the one who broke the oneness to begin with.

As I read the Old Testament, We see that God often separated himself from the Israelites because of their “hardness of heart”. He even said at times that he divorced them. He was always waiting and longing for their repentance so that they could be reconciled but he did not offer close and intimate fellowship to those who were rebellious and unrepentant.

In the New Testament, we see that Jesus unconditionally loved the Pharisees but because of their hardness of heart, he did not enjoy fellowship with them. I think your counselor is putting the burden on you to maintain the relationship without challenging your husband’s attitudes that have broken the relationship to begin with.

Finally you ask when does a woman be silent and win her husband without a word and at what point does doing that become a passive way to be in a relationship?

I think you are referencing the passage in 1 Peter 3 where he says, “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.”

Peter is saying that actions speak louder than words. That’s not passive. We are to love our enemies and do them good. That doesn’t mean that we are best friends with them but that we treat them well even when they don’t treat us well.

I don’t think God ever calls us to be passive in relationships. He is always calling us to do good, to love, to take the initiative to reconcile, to speak the truth in love, to be peacemakers (not peacekeepers), to pray for our enemies, and to overcome evil with good. Those things take a lot of work and a lot of emotional and spiritual health to actually practice, especially with those who have hurt us.

Holding your husband to responsible and accountable behavior may be the most loving and active behaviors you can do in order to give him the opportunity to “be won over” by your godly life. You may not have any more words to speak to him about this. You’ve already exhausted them. But perhaps the separation was your attempt to biblically love him by not allowing him to be deluded into thinking a good marriage is possible in spite of bad behaviors. It’s like thinking you can be irresponsible with your money and then wonder why you do not have enough money to pay your bills.

One verse that has been my guiding compass in counseling for over 30 years says this: “They dress the wound of my people as thought it were not serious. “Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.” (Jeremiah 8:11) I do not want to be that kind of counselor.

Broken marriages are serious business to God. As Christian counselors, pastors, helpers, mentors and friends, we must never minimize the impact that destructive/abusive and deceitful behaviors have on relationships. If these things are not dealt with, there is no true peace, and we are never to encourage pretend peace.

Topic: Who has the Final Say?

2011-06-20T12:38:00.002-04:00

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been in Chicago this weekend for my niece’s wedding. I love to see two individuals in love join their hearts and lives together. What a blessing to be a part this special celebration. I danced with my 81 year old father – which was great fun. Look to my Facebook page to see some pictures which I will post later on this week.

Today’s Question: My husband and I are very different. I am much more conservative financially, he loves to spend money. We argue about parenting, where to go on vacation, even how to arrange the furniture in the living room. His trump card is always, “As head of our home I get the final decision.” Is that true? Do I just need to always give in or submit to his way because he’s the man? What if his decision is absolutely wrong? Then what?

Answer: I often hear this kind of thinking when working with couples in marriage counseling. I also was taught it myself in my premarital counseling. In a nutshell, the teaching goes something like this. Couples have conflict. That is inevitable. However, when there is an impasse, there is no resolution, as the head of the home, or leader, the husband get’s the final say. But let’s look to see if this thinking is truly what God designed marriage to be like.

If we look at the original couple, Adam and Eve, before the Fall, there was a mutuality to their relationship. In Genesis 1:26,27 God made human beings in his image (both male and female) and gave them both the responsibility to reign over the animals and take care of the earth. Eve was equal with Adam not beneath him.

After they both sinned, part of the curse was that their relationship would change. God told them, “And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 The desire for power and control over another person would now characterize marriages instead of the mutuality that God originally intended.

That that’s been the story ever since. However, when Christ came, he broke the curse of the law. Paul says, “But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law” (Galatians 3:13).

We see throughout Paul’s writing a breaking of this “power over people” mentality. He writes, “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:38). He also applies this to restoring the mutuality of marriage. He tells husband’s to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to submit to their husband’s out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21-33 Colossians 3:18,19). It’s both/and, not either/or.

When Paul talks about the sexual relationship, he also describes this mutual giving and mutual giving up of rights and power. He says, “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3,4)

Notice the one spouse gives authority to the other, no one takes authority over the other. When mutuality in marriage is practiced, power struggles may be tempting, but never endorsed or validated as biblical. One does not take someone’s choice away from them. When mutuality is practiced and valued, a husband or wife often gives in, but they give in willingly, not under compulsion or fearfully.

I have been married over 35 years. There has never been a time in my marriage where my husband had to have a “final” say. When you practice mutual submission and mutual respect, you listen to each other’s perspective. You defer when someone is wiser than you are in a certain area, you compromise, you work together to come up with a solution that you both can live with.

Finally, let’s look at this question from one other perspective and that is the angle of authority. Too often we have misunderstood the authority of a position, whether it be husband, or pastor, or elder, to be synonymous with getting one’s own way. In other words, if I am the head of my home (authority), then I get the final say, which means I get my way.

But the bible is very clear that authority does not imply entitlement to one’s own way. God’s Word gives specific instructions to those in authority how to handle that responsibility. Throughout the Old Testament God often rebuked the leaders of Israel for their self-centered, deceitful, and abusive shepherding of God’s flock (See, for example, Deuteronomy 13; Jeremiah 23:1-4; Ezekiel 34:2-4)

Biblically, God put husbands as the head over their wives (Ephesians 5:23), but that does not put wives at the feet of their husbands. Women and wives are depicted in the Gospel as equal partners and persons to love, not objects to use or property to own. Biblical headship is modeled by Christ’s gentle leadership and loving self-sacrifice. Husband’s are cautioned not to be harsh with their wives and not to mistreat them, or their prayers will be hindered (Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7). No leader is entitled to make selfish demands, order people around, or hurt them when they fail.

Jesus cautions those in positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, and elders – not to misuse those God ordained positions for self centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve the individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our egos stroked or to get our own way (Mark 10:42-45).

So what would these biblical principles look like in making family decisions? Let’s say you want to go to the ocean for vacation, your husband prefers the mountains. Traditionally the final say has meant that he gets to go to the mountains and you simply have to submit.

But authentic biblical headship defined by Christ is servanthood. Now we have an entirely different picture. How can your husband best serve your needs? If he is to love you as Christ loves the church and sacrifice himself for that, what would the “final decision” look like?

I think it would sound more like, “Honey, if you need sand and water for vacation this year, let’s do it.” Likewise, the wife might say, “if it’s that important to you that you get away from the crowds at the beach, I’m fine with that.”

When this kind of mutual submission, mutual love and mutual respect are practiced in a marital relationship, there is no need for a “final say”.

Topic: Is this an emotionally destructive relationship?

2011-06-13T13:16:00.005-04:00

Good morning friends,

Hope you had a great weekend. This was the first weekend in a long time that I did not have a writing deadline to work on and it felt wonderful. I cleaned closets, rode my scooter to the park, read and was still. I need those lazy days to recharge, don’t you?

Several years ago I discovered a poem at an airport bookstore and I’ve reflected on it since. I want to share it with you.

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life

I will not die an unlived life,
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

Does this poem resonate with you too? Tell me how.

As I’ve pondered and prayed about my next “writing project” (I have lots of ideas) I have felt lead to narrow my focus. I am going to continue to address the issue of emotionally destructive relationships, this time specifically in marriage.

Pray for me as I start a new book on this important topic. I receive so many blog questions on this area that I want to expand and share more about how people who are living in these relationships find grace and peace and safety and sanity in the midst of darkness, oppression and sin.

This week’s question: I just read your book about Emotionally Destructive Relationships. I’ve been feeling emotionally abused by my husband for the past 7 or 8 years. We’ve been to counseling to little avail. I am now on medication for depression. I’ve been taught that the only reason for divorce is adultery, so I’ve been feeling very stuck.

Almost every day I get a lecture about how I communicate and instructions on how I could have said things better, in a way that doesn’t push his buttons. I can’t be myself and I find myself guarded with what I say and always expecting a lecture. I try to let it slide off my back but it’s getting to me. I used to explode a lot when he said demeaning things and insulted my intelligence. Now that I’m on the medication I can keep my emotions under control better, but I’m wondering if I should continue to put up with this. If affects our kids. They hear their father talking to their mother in very condescending tones and it’s not healthy. And sometimes they hear me sobbing or yelling when I can’t take it anymore.

Here are some of the phrases us uses with me:
“You didn’t bother to….”
“I don’t understand why you want to lose.”
“You are a very unique woman”
“I’m waiting for you to get your head out of the sand.”
“That isn’t very smart”
“You’re not paying attention”
“This does not bode well for getting good results.”

It’s not just the area of communication where he acts controlling. He doesn’t want me to make any decisions on my own. I can decide regular daily stuff, but anything new or different he demands he be consulted. He gets very upset if I circumvent his authority. Here are a few examples. He got upset with me telling our daughter that she could go somewhere without consulting him about it first. I went to pick out new glasses after my prescription was filled without asking him first. I invited my parents to come take pictures of my daughter and her date for the prom without letting him know first. Even though I apologize for these misunderstandings, he continues to bring them up and remind me of my failures.

He refuses to allow me to get on his computer, even though he’s had a problem with pornography. He gets upset if I move any of his stuff when I’m trying to clean up the house. Heaven forbid if I move any furniture without getting his approval first.

Are these things controlling and/or abusive or is this just every day common behavior that I’m taking too personally?

Answer: My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to take the test at the end of chapter 1 (or for those who don’t have my book, it’s in my free resource section on my website at https://www.leslievernick.com

In many of these kinds of relationships, you can’t point to one specific abusive episode or grossly sinful behavior to “prove” that the relationship destructive. That’s the hard part, especially when trying to get pastoral help or explain it to a counselor.

But you know that inside the person you were is dying and you don’t know how to live in a healthy way this relationship any more. You mention that you used to explode in anger and now with antidepressants you keep your emotions better in check.

I’m glad you’re not exploding anymore. That’s not healthy for anyone. However, my concern for you is that in dulling your emotional pain, you’re not paying attention to your internal warning bell that’s telling you something is very wrong.

Here’s what I mean. When you break your ankle, the pain drives you to the doctor. That’s a good thing so that you get help for your problem (broken ankle) and then you can take the pain medication and get crutches while you heal you’re ankle. If you just took pain medication so that you don’t feel your ankle pain and then continued to walk on it, you would make your ankle worse.

In the same way, when you feel continual marital pain, you need to ask yourself what’s wrong? Pain motivates us to take some action, to get help in order to fix the problem. If you just mask the pain with medication, you won’t solve the problem and the problem can actually become worse.

You said counseling has been little help. You’re not alone in this. I think it’s very difficult to describe the kinds of crazy making that this kind of relationship entails. It’s also very hard for counselors to grasp. Much of what your husband asks of you sounds so reasonable.

For example, it is normal not controlling for husbands (and wives) to want to be included in decisions regarding where the children go, money spent (especially if the budget is tight), and in laws visiting. You don’t say, but I’m guessing the problem is deeper than just a lack of information (in that you failed to inform him). But rather, he feels that it’s his right as the head of his home to decide the final outcome.

What happens when you do talk with him about these things and you have a difference of opinion? How do you resolve these disagreements? From the phrases he uses, it sounds like he has a very strong sense of win/lose in problem solving rather than mutual consideration, respect, and compromise. He believes that his authority entitles him to always have the final say.

And….that will be the subject of next week’s blog, The Final Say!

But for you dear one, take heart. There is a God who see’s you and who knows what you are going through. There is a God who hates abuse and warns husband’s not to treat their wives harshly. Right now if all you can work on is you and not your marriage, start there. Deal with your depression and anger. Do what you need to do to learn how to communicate in a strong and firm way that you will not engage in conversations that are disrespectful and demeaning anymore. It is only from a position of wholeness can you then invite your husband into healthy change.

Topic: Setting Boundaries

2011-06-06T20:58:00.002-04:00

Hello Everyone,

This week has been a busy week working on a chapter for a book tentatively titled, Transformative Spiritual Interventions in Christian Counseling and Caregiving. I am just one of the contributors but I covet your prayers as I finish up this week writing this chapter on using The TRUTH Principle as a model of counseling.

This week on my Facebook Fan Page I asked people, “What is the single most important question you face when dealing with a difficult/destructive relationship?”

I’d love to hear from you as well. I’m going to be starting a new book (I hope) on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I feel that more needs to be said both to the victims, victimizer and church on this issue than I was able to say within the pages of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.

If you were to buy a book on this topic from a biblical perspective, what would you like to see addressed and answered?

Today I’m talking about boundaries. I’ve included a video clip about setting boundaries in general – both the wisdom of when you need to set boundaries and the skill of how to set them.

Let me know if you’re finding the video versus writing helpful.

Love you all.

Topic: Can I Set Boundaries with An Abusive Spouse?

2011-05-30T14:03:00.003-04:00

Happy Memorial Day Friends,

I have never had the privilege of serving our in our country’s armed forces but I want to thank those who have. It is a supreme sacrifice to be willing to lay down your life for the freedoms we often take for granted in this country. I have traveled to many third world countries and I am always grateful to step foot on American soil once again. Although we struggle with many internal problems, I would not want to live anywhere else.

Thank you moms and dads, brother’s and sisters, grandparent’s, uncles and aunts who have loved one’s who have served and are serving our country. For you it must feel hard at times, fearing for their safety yet feeling so much pride in seeing your loved one’s selflessness in serving their country.

This week's question is part three to a long e-mail I received. If you want to read the first two parts, scroll to last week and the week before.

Today’s Question: I have one other question which I hope you can also address. My husband says that he is put into a kind of uncontrollable rage when I disrespect him because it is his god given right as the husband to be respected. Last night I told my husband who has physically struck me in the past that I felt unsafe in our marriage and that I thought it was necessary that we lay some ground rules and boundaries specifically to be enforced during our times of arguing and fighting so that we can keep each other accountable.

He resisted in agreeing boundaries were the issue but finally agreed. I told him that a universal boundary should be absolutely no physical striking or threats of physically hurting of any kind toward one another. To that he said that his boundary equivalent to that was “no disrespect/raising my voice to him.” He said that when he is disrespected, he feels he is being verbally abused by me and it feels as terrible as I feel when he slaps me on the arm/leg/head.

In theory this sounds “right”. He says that I am making a double standard when I put a boundary on his behavior but that he cannot on me. And yet, something does not seem right at all about what he is saying. I agree that disrespecting your husband is as sinful as physically striking your spouse in anger. Is it biblical to see these exactly the same in terms of setting “off limit” boundaries in disagreements?

Answer: Your struggle to think clearly in this muddle is common to women who live with abusive men. I want to help clarify some important truths.

First your husband’s rage and subsequent acts of violence toward you are not uncontrollable. His behavior is always his choice. I’m sure he has experienced disrespect from other people in his life – his employer, a rude driver, your children, a friend, an enemy. People sin against us all the time in many ways and sometimes we do get angry. However, that doesn’t mean we hit them. In fact, isn’t that what we teach our children NOT to do when someone takes their toy or makes them mad? We don’t hit people when we’re mad. Period!

Let me ask you a question. Does your husband hit other people in the arm/leg/head when he feels disrespected? What do you imagine a police officer would say if your husband used that as his excuse when he hit someone who disrespected him in traffic or at the mall?

Hear this important truth. Your husband hits you when he is mad because he chooses to and you have continued to enable him by not enforcing legal consequences that would protect you from this kind of abusive behavior.

He says that it is his god-given right to be respected. It’s also your god given right to be loved and cherished. When he fails to love and cherish you and you feel hurt or angry, do you hit him?

The second truth I want you be crystal clear on is that you will fail your spouse and he will fail you. Sometimes these failures are big but often they occur in little ways. He doesn’t love me like I’d like or she doesn’t respect me like I want her to. The truth is, our spouse doesn’t always give us what we want even if what we want is a good and godly thing. Hurt and disappointment occur in every marriage and we can feel angry.

But is the right answer to treat our spouse with abusive behavior or abusive speech when they don’t give us what we want? Jesus says “never!” The Bible labels that kind of behavior sin and selfishness and is never justified.

The truth is no one get’s everything he or she wants all of the time. Part of growing up and maturing is learning how to handle ourselves in a godly, mature way when we are disappointed, angry and hurt when we don’t get what we want.

Your husband’s entitlement thinking has deceived him into believing that since he’s entitled to be respected, he’s entitled to hit you when you’re not complying with what he wants. That is absolutely not true. How do other men handle being disrespected by their wives? They might pray for their wife. They might talk with their wife. They might get counseling as a couple. A much healthier response to his disappointment or hurt when you don’t respect him is for him to say, “Honey, that hurts me when you talk to me that way. Would you please stop?” Or even, “When you talk to me that way, I can’t hear you. I’m ending the conversation.”

As far as boundaries – you’re right, you will never feel safe to have a conversation with your husband let alone disagree if you fear for your safety. In the same way, if your husband fears your tongue and being disrespected, it’s hard for him to share his honest thoughts and feelings with you.

However, I’m not sure of his definition of disrespect. You were very clear with your definition of what you want stopped, no physical threats or physical violence. His definition was fuzzy – “No disrespect or raising your voice”. Does that mean that when you feel strongly about something or disagree, you can’t speak with an elevated voice without him feeling disrespected? Does that mean that you cannot argue because he will feel you don’t respect his opinion? Does that mean you have to agree with everything he thinks because not to will feel disrespectful to him?

You need to ask him to define for you the behavior that feels disrespectful to him. Is it calling him names? Is it swearing at him? Is it rolling your eyes? If you know what it is specifically, then you can decide whether or not you can agree to stop or change it. If you don’t know what it is, then the rules always change and he can feel disrespected just because you open your mouth in protest.

Finally, a first step boundary or safety plan for both of you might be that when either one of you feels unsafe, the one who feels unsafe can stop the conversation and the other person will respect that boundary and stop talking.

If it continues to be unsafe to have difficult discussions together and you have important things that need to be decided, then you will agree together to engage the help of a counselor to help you learn to speak safely and respectfully with one another and to handle your disappointment in a more godly way.

These "rules" need to be agreed to by both of you and if he does not keep them, then it's time to let him experience the consequences.

Topic: Part 2, How to I "Minister" to an Abusive Spouse?

2011-05-23T20:13:00.002-04:00

Good evening friends,

I had an extraordinary weekend that has left me physically exhausted, but with a great feeling of accomplishment. I PASSED my motorcycle safety course and am now the proud owner of a motorcycle license! Never in a million years would I have thought I would do this let alone pass!

The course is offered by the state to help you be a safe cyclist. Even though I just have a scooter, I had to take the course on a real cycle. The class consisted of nine hours of classroom instruction and then 10 hours of actual riding – all between Thursday and Sunday. I don’t know if I will ever ride a real cycle again, but I am thankful that I learned some great strategies and skills to stay safe on the road. I even posted a picture of my proud self on my Facebook page just after getting my license. My children were shocked that me, Miss Scaredy Cat actually did something pretty risky.

I have been inundated lately with lots of questions from all of you. I am thankful but feel sad that I can’t personally answer them all more quickly. I’m still counseling full time so am just not able to respond as I’d like but my goal is to answer them, so please be patient with me. At this time I can only answer a week.

I am going to answer part two to a long question from last week so scroll up to read last week’s question and answer first. I will add a new part today and part three next week. I am using her words because I know that many individuals become very confused about theology and what God says and I want you to hear where this person is coming from before I respond.

This week’s question: Though no one can be certain of another’s salvation, I have felt for some time now that my husband does not have a personal relationship with God and that he does not know Christ as Lord and Savior. Just 3 years ago after things got really unhealthy in our marriage I made a decision to make it my ministry to be an instrument of God to be used in his conversion process in whatever way God would be pleased to do so.

And yet, do I now hold it against my husband who does not yet have a pierced conscience which comes from having a new heart that can respond in faith and obedience to God? Can we hold our unregenerated spouses who are emotionally destructive responsible for their actions when they cannot even “see” their sin and need for God’s ultimate forgiveness?

Grace and undeserved mercy as the bible describes them isn’t something he fully comprehends from what I can tell which is why he justifies his behaviors and refuses to take responsibility for his abusive actions. If so, what is the biblical way for a wife to respond to her emotionally destructive husband whom she does not want to divorce nor separate from but at the same time does not want to be victim any longer to his abusive ways (verbally/emotionally/physically – i.e. slapping my leg, arm, head/shoving)?

Answer: First, let me encourage you. You obviously want to honor your vows and be a good example in order to draw your husband to Christ’s love, forgiveness, and mercy. That is very hard to actually want to do in our culture that doesn’t value self-sacrifice or staying in an unhappy marriage.

You talk a lot about holding your husband’s sin against him as if you are the judge. As I mentioned last week, your place is not to judge, but that does not mean that you are not to speak truth in love or prevent him from experiencing the consequences of his sinfulness.

You ask, “Can we hold our unregenerated spouses who are emotionally destructive responsible for their actions when they cannot even “see” their sin and need for God’s ultimate forgiveness?”

Let me ask you something. Do you think God holds people accountable when they are blind to their sin? For example, do you think God will give the Pharisee’s in Christ’s day a pass because they did not see their envy or their pride or their hypocrisy, even when Jesus directly told them? Read Jesus’ words to them in Matthew 23:13-38

Second, you say, “Grace and undeserved mercy as the bible describes them isn’t something he fully comprehends from what I can tell which is why he justifies his behaviors and refuses to take responsibility for his abusive actions.”

I don’t think your husband’s problem is that he doesn’t understand grace and mercy. His problem is that he feels entitled to abuse you when he doesn’t get his way or what he wants. There are many, many non-Christian men who know nothing of God’s grace and mercy yet they treat their wives with love and respect. They do not verbally, emotionally or physically abuse them. It has nothing to do with your husband’s lack of understanding of God’s grace and everything to do with his attitude of entitlement.

That takes us to your last question, how do you respond? If you want to “minister” to your husband as a godly wife, what does not look like specifically? Does it mean that you are to simply continue to allow your husband to sin against you without protect or consequence? Is that the best way you could be “love” your husband?

Or, is a more bold love required? A love that is strong enough to hold him responsible and accountable for his sinful choices. A love that might call the police and let him experience the legal consequences of his abusive behavior which very well could be a wake-up call that helps him “see” the sinfulness of his behaviors.

There is no easy answer here, but finally, if you do not want to be a victim any longer you must take steps to prevent your own victimization. You can do this lovingly but firmly as you leave the house when he escalates, refuse to engage in arguments, call the police when he gets violent and separate from him until he gets the help he needs to change his sinful behavior so that your marriage has a chance of being healed. If not, trust me, nothing will change. It will only get worse.

Remember, you are not just taking these steps for you. You are also doing them for him with the hope that as you draw a line in the sand and say “no more” your husband will begin to repent of his abusive behavior and want to change.

Readers: Please what wisdom would you give this struggling wife?

Topic: How do I "minister" to my abusive spouse?

2011-05-16T15:05:00.003-04:00

Good morning friends,

It’s morning here in Seattle where I write this before I catch my plane for the long journey back home. It’s been a mixed time here. The weather has been rainy most days which made sight seeing more challenging. However God did bless us with two afternoons of partial sun and for that I am thankful. My bones desperately needed some vitamin D and my spirits too. I hear there is more rain forecasted for next week in Pennsylvania.

I have so much I want to tell you all.

1. I want to share a few things about the PASCH (Peace and Safety in the Christian Home) conference I spoke at in Abbotsford, British Columbia. It was amazing to be with men and women from all around the globe committed to ending domestic violence in every home, especially those who call themselves Christian and yet still live with abuse and inflict abuse in their families.

2. I want to share with you a poem I’ve read that has resonated with that stuck place we all find ourselves in and invite your feedback.

3. I want to get back to answering some of your very important questions, one of which is rather lengthy. I’ll introduce it at the end of this blog and invite your thoughts on it and begin the answer next week.

The PASCH conference was a two day event, packed with speakers from every area, from victims, to perpetrators, to counselors and pastors, researchers in the area of DV as well as police, shelter workers, client advocates, attorneys, and college professors.

Today I want to highlight two of the main things that spoke to me during this event and would love your help to spread the word. Juan Carlos Arean spoke on the effects of love on children. We so often hear about the effects of violence on children (even if they aren’t the intended victims). Although those effects are real, Arean said that love can act as a potent antidote to the toxic effects of abuse on children. Research shows that resilience is fostered by loving support from people within the child’s network that can help them learn new ways of relating.

Ask yourself and ask God, where are their children in my circle that are vulnerable, that need some extra encouragement, attention, support, and help? You may not be able to change their families but you may be able to impact their future as you love a child who is living in a difficult, destructive and/or abusive home.

The second thing that spoke to my heart is the importance of men being advocates against the abuse of women. Rus Ervin Funk spoke on Preventing Violence Against Women. He quoted George Albee who said,

“No epidemic has ever been resolved by paying attention to the treatment of the affected individual.”

How do we end the cycle of Domestic Violence against women? He says, this problem will only be solved when men do the work and step up and see this as their problem, not only individually, but culturally.

Rus works with males: coaches, teachers, policemen, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers, plumbers, contractors, doctors, businessmen, athletes, and others, to build a mindset that not only sees abuse against women as wrong, but are willing to stand up and speak against it to other men. He says, “We need men in that man’s life (the abuser) to hold them up to be the kind of man they want to be, the kind of man that they can be.”

What would be different in our churches if men would initiate discussions with other men when they observe disrespectful and/or abusive attitudes or actions by men toward women or children?

Rus described an incident in a men’s locker room at a health club when men were talking disrespectfully against women and he spoke up. His voice was the only one but when he left the locker room he got the thumbs up from a number of other men who were watching what was happening.

How would things have been different if instead of a silent thumbs up, those other men would have joined Rus and spoken up too? I believe a much more powerful message would have been sent by the group rather than the individual.

Men, what keeps you silent?

Last week I gave you some steps toward getting unstuck in your own life. It might be around a difficult/destructive relationship issue, or it might just be around some bad habits you’ve allowed to fester for far too long in your life. Here’s a poem by Mary Oliver that I read this week that resonated with that movement toward change. It’s called, The Journey.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life?”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
you knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do ---
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

How does this poem resonate with you? What are those internal voices that keep shouting their bad advice to you? What gives you the strength to forge ahead and make that change?

This week’s question: I’ve writing after another abusive episode last night. Something you said in one of your previous posts was about how God shows unconditional love but does not offer unconditional relationship. I understand that you’re saying that healthy relationship is impossible when someone continues to be blind to his/her own sin against us and refuses to acknowledge It, take responsibility for it or repent of it.

My question is this: I’m pretty sure our marriage is emotionally destructive based on all I have read. And yet I also acknowledge that I am a sinner as much as my husband is a sinner. I am no more deserving of grace than he is. I do not earn God’s favor any more than my husband does. Neither of us do.

We are all utterly sinful and only by God’s sheer undeserving grace are we loved and saved and brought into God’s family. So if I think about that powerful gospel truth…I wonder…is it right of me to hold my husband’s sin/blindness to his own sin against him? Do I hold it against him that he cannot see his own sinfulness?

Answer: There are multiple parts to this person’s question which I will address in the next blog but I want to thank her for bringing this issue up. The short answer is No, you have no right to hold someone’s sin against him in a judgmental kind of way.

We are all sinners. One is not better than the other. That’s why Jesus says that we need to take the log out of our own eye before we try to take the speck out of someone else’s.

However, scripture is quite clear that our sin separates us from God and from one another and that without repentance, there is no fellowship with God. God says he is generous and gracious to both the good person and the evil person (as we should be when Jesus tells us to love our enemies and to them good). But God does not have intimate relationship with the person who will not “see” or repent.

The Old Testament books of Isaiah and Jeremiah are full of examples of God inviting people into repentance, of being gracious, but also of distancing himself from them when they refuse to repent. So you’re right, ministry to your unrepentant, blind spouse may be an important way you can invite him into a repentance, but what that “ministry” might look like is different depending upon the person. Jesus ministered to the woman caught in adultery differently than he did to the Pharisees who refused to see.

Sorry I can’t say more but if I don’t post this NOW I will miss my plane.
Next week I’ll write more.

Love you all?

Topic: How to make the changes I need to make

2011-05-09T22:21:00.003-04:00

Good Monday Friends,

I am sitting in a hotel room in Seattle, WA after a full day of sightseeing. It’s been freezing cold here, overcast. I‘m not sure why I was hoping for sunshine this week. It seems like the last two years of any kind of trips have resulted in cloudy, cold weather, whether we were heading to Hawaii, Florida, Southern California and now Washington and Canada.

I do hope I get one or two days of some sun. I think I have a touch of SIDS and it’s definitely wearing on me. This has been about the coldest, gloomiest spring I can remember. I’ll be speaking in Canada at the PASCH (Peace and Safety in the Christian Home) conference on Friday so would appreciate your prayers. I’ll write you all about it next week.

But I’m reading a remarkable book giving to me by a dear friend, Dee Brestin, called One Thousand Gifts, by a gifted writer, Ann Voskamp. Here’s a taste of something that resonated with my soul.

“I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the restless anxiety that I am failing, always failing. I live tired, afraid, anxious, weary. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly, wanting to live.”

Me too. I’m tired and weary of trying to get it all done. I want to really live, fully alive to life. But what does that look like when you’re stuck between where you are and where you want to be? A few weeks ago I told you God asked me to choose peace over productivity.

That has required some hard choices and soul searching. From your responses, I know you have gotten stuck too. Here are some of the questions I have asked myself during these past few weeks to begin to get unstuck.

1. Where am I now? How does the way I live and spend my time impact my quality of life?
2. How do my choices impact my family and those I love?
3. Are there any incongruities between my current way of living and my values and dreams?
4. What specific things do I need to change to close the gap from where I am right now in this present moment to get where I want to be?
5. What do I need to do more of or less of in order to get where I want to go?
6. Who will hold me accountable to the changes I want to make?

I am changing my schedule to free up some time so that I am not so busy, rushed and tired. I am going to stop trying to get it all done and enjoy what I do more. I’ll keep you in the loop and let you know how I’m doing, but this is my prayer.

How about you? What would you like to see different in your life or heart?

To get you started, answer the question. I am a person who…….

Topic: A Time to Say "No"

2011-05-02T20:38:00.001-04:00

Hi Sweet Friends,

This weekend I had the awesome privilege of speaking at Emmanuel Baptist Church in Johnstown, PA not only for their women’s event but also for their Saturday evening and three Sunday services. God truly was present and it doesn’t get any better than being a vessel that He uses to help people grasp transformational truth.

Thanks for all of you who hold me in your prayers. If you’d like to be a part of my prayer team, let me know and I can let you know of special requests.

This week I’m going to be sharing with you a devotional I wrote for a new book out by Moody’s Mid-Day Connection team called Tending the Soul: 90 days of spiritual nourishment.

God’s Empowered Woman

“On the seventh day of the feast, when King Zerxes was in high spirits because of the wine, he told the seven eunuchs who attended him…..to bring Queen Vashti to him with the royal crown on her head. He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman. But when they conveyed the king’s order to Queen Vashti, she refused to come.” Esther 1:10-12 NLT

“Why did it take me fifty years to wire up enough courage to stand up for myself?” Sara sighed. “I’ve always put everyone else first. Now I understand that I’ve only enabled my husband’s selfishness to flourish.”

From a young age, many women are trained to give, to go along and to not hurt anyone’s feelings at all costs. “Be nice,” we’re told, “Or people won’t like you”. We’ve learned to please, to placate, and to pretend in order to not make waves, just to keep the peace.

Before marriage and after, I was told to obey authority and to submit to my husband, even if his requests seemed foolish or harmful. Passivity seemed to be the Biblical definition of a gentle and quiet (feminine) spirit.

Yet the Scriptures reveal many women who were strong and stood firm. They didn’t always obey or submit. They sometimes said “No”. Queen Vashti is one of my favorites. She refused to allow herself to be treated as a sexual object for her husband’s friends to ogle. Another woman, Queen Esther, approached the same king hoping to right a terrible wrong even while knowing she could face expulsion or execution for her boldness.

Scriptures tell the story of Abigail, a wife who overruled her husband’s foolishness and took charge when her family faced the wrath of David and his men (1 Samuel 25). Earlier in Jewish history we find two midwives who refused to obey the pharaoh’s orders to murder Hebrew babies (Exodus 1:17).

In a culture where females were often devalued and disrespected, God empowered women to stand up for themselves, for others, and for what was right.

Lord, give us the courage to stand up and say “No” when it is necessary.

Reflection: Identify the times that you been too nice, too accommodating, or too passive. What has it cost you?

Topic: How do I know someone is truly sorry?

2011-04-25T19:12:00.004-04:00

Good morning friends:

Thank you for all your responses last week to my question "what keeps you stuck and unchanged". I’ll talk some more about that next week but today I thought I’d try something different. I’m going to respond by video to the question asked by The Good Wife in last week's blog responses. If you want to read her question in it’s entirely, just scroll down to last week's blog and responses, but in essence she asked:

Question: My husband has had numerous affairs. He says he’s sorry. He says he wants our marriage to work. But his actions don’t really demonstrate a commitment to healing the hurts he’s caused or working on the root problem of why this happened in the first place. How can I know if he’s truly sorry and whether our marriage has a hope for genuine restoration?

Answer:

Topic: Peace over productivity. I want to hear from you!

2011-04-18T17:48:00.003-04:00

Hello sweet friends,

I’ve done two different blogs today but I wasn’t happy with either one. I’ll give it more time this week and post one of them next week. But my new mantra given to me by the Lord this very day is “Peace before productivity.”

God showed me when I start to get anxious or impatient, I am losing peace at the expense of productivity. My body tells me it is time to reprioritize and put first things first.

You know this year has been one in which I wanted to walk with the Lord more closely. My verse for 2011 is “And so I walk in the Lord’s Presence as I live here on earth.” (Psalm 116:9).

One of the first fruits that walking closer with God ought to produce is peace, not frustration, aggravation, or impatience. So friends, pray for me. Pray that I learn to let go of my agenda and live more peacefully in the moment, even if it requires that I do less.

Now it’s your turn. I’ve been curious about who you are, why you stop by, and what you’d like help with? What are your biggest needs or deepest hurts in your closest relationships? Where do you get stuck or hindered from living the life you want to live? Like me getting stuck in busyness, anxiety and impatience, what holds your heart (body and mind) in that unchanged place?

That’s all for today I’m off to pay Uncle Sam! Hope you got a refund.

Take a moment to respond. I’d love to hear from you.

Topic: Do I forbear or confront when someone offends me?

2011-04-11T14:03:00.007-04:00

Hello everyone,

What a beautiful day we have today. It’s been such a cold, dreary, winter. The sun is out today, the temperature is beautiful and I have begun a new adventure. My husband has always loved riding motorcycles. After our children were grown he bought himself a Harley but I always felt afraid riding on the back of it. It was too loud, too fast and I would pound on his back telling him to slow down. One day I told him I thought I’d do better if I could drive my own bike.

Well, he took me up on my offer and I am now a motorcycle mamma. Well, that’s not quite true. I’m a scooter mama and here I am with my new vespa. I took it out for a tests ride yesterday and loved it. Today we both rode for about 45 minutes. I never got above 30 mph but right now, that's just about right.

Today's Question: I never know when I'm supposed to speak up or when I should just forbear and forgive someone. Can you give me some guidelines that would help me discern when each one would be appropriate?

Answer: Thank you for your question. Sometimes it can be confusing and it takes wisdom to discern. Jesus said that we’re to be known by our extravagant love for one another. Even more challenging is Jesus’ command to love our enemies and to forgive those who mistreat and hurt us.

But how do we balance these commands of Christ with the biblical mandates to speak the truth in love, to be the salt and light of the world, to confront sin, and to admonish the unruly? It isn’t always clear when we should simply put up with one another’s weaknesses and be patient with him or her, or whether we should confront a person directly.

Here are some guidelines that I use to decide when to forbear and when to confront.

First, forbearance is a very good discipline to practice. Jesus reminds us to take the log out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck in our brother’s eye. We all need to learn to live graciously with one another’s weaknesses and faults.

But forbearance isn’t simply being passive, or quiet when someone does something wrong or hurts us. Forbearance actively works to understand, accept, forgive and let go of an offense, without ever talking directly to the person about it.

I’m afraid that instead of practicing biblical forbearance, we often choose outer silence but nurse inner discontent, anger or bitterness. By keeping quiet, we may preserve an illusion of peace, but it’s not a biblical peace and often results in further conflict and alienation.

Second, confrontation isn’t merely blurting out your thoughts and feelings at their moment of greatest intensity without any regard for the well being of the other person or the relationship. I liken that practice to vomit. Vomit feels better getting it out, but it belongs in the toilet and not on a person.

Below are three reasons that confrontation may be the better choice in your relationship with someone.

1. The matter dishonors God. (1 Thessalonians 5:14; 1 Corinthians 5:11,12; Romans 2:19-24)

When Queen Esther was told of Hamen’s wicked plan to have all the Jews exterminated, she knew that it was a not time to forbear but to speak out. She didn’t do it rashly, but prayerfully and thoughtfully. (Read the OT book of Esther for the story). She was afraid but she knew she had to confront.

2. The matter hurts the person (James 5:19-20; Galatians 6:1)

We are to be faithful to our friends and friendships and that means that if we observe someone caught in a repetitive harmful sin or habit, we need to speak to them gently about it. Do you have a friend who is flirting with disaster? Tempted with an affair? Playing with drugs? Abusing alcohol?

So many people have told me they wished someone would have come along side of them and lovingly warned them before they fell of the cliff. Hebrews tells us to encourage each other day after day lest any of us become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

3. The matter has damaged the relationship ( Matthew 5:23 Matthew 18:15 Proverbs 16:28; Proverbs 17:9)

When someone repeatedly or grievously sins against us, this is not the time for forbearance but for talking. Matthew 5 and l8 tell us that if someone has sinned against us, or if we have something against another person, we are to go and make peace first before presenting our offering. Sometimes the relationship has been hurt or damaged by something someone has done. We can’t just forbear or forgive. Even if we’ve tried, we can’t let it go. We must talk about it or the relationship will deteriorate further.

How? Just like Queen Esther we need to have a plan.

To see my free article on how to have a difficult discussion with someone, go to http://bit.ly/hVGXFS.

Topic: Can I leave an abusive marriage if my pastor says I should stay?

2011-04-04T14:22:00.003-04:00

Happy Monday Sweet Friends,

I had a wonderful weekend ministering to the ladies in First Church of God in Shippensburg, PA. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of sharing God’s message with you. I am busily working on the April newsletter. If you have a problem moving past your failures, you won’t want to miss it. Look for it next week.

Today’s Question: I’ve been a Christian since I was a teen, I am now 52. When my husband is mean and upset, it feels so overwhelming, I feel I could have a breakdown. He scolds me and criticizes me constantly. I try to stay composed but it takes so much emotional energy to listen to him and take it again and again. I’ve told him numerous times in our 24 year marriage about how he’s hurting me but it keeps happening again and again.

I’m afraid of him. I wanted to leave him once, but he said he would kill himself, so I didn’t leave, but I’m getting to the breaking point. I’m exhausted from having to deal with his mean words. He swears at me and looks at me with hatred when he’s angry. We’ve tried counseling but he refused to continue.

I wonder if the only solution (besides praying and getting godly counsel) is to leave? I’ve talked with our Pastor numerous times. He believes me, but he doesn’t think I should leave. However, nothing changes.

My husband is always sorry later after he is mean and promises to be different, but it doesn’t’ last. I’m scared that leaving him will cause my family to fall apart, but maybe it has kind of fallen apart anyway. I’ve tried to be nice, but I just can’t accommodate my husband the way he wants me to. He wants me to pay lots of attention to him, but even when I do that, he still is mean if I made some kind of mistake like not having dinner ready on time when he gets home from work.

It’s very hard to be affectionate with someone who’s been so harsh with home, and then he gets in a rage when I don’t want to be affectionate with him. People tried telling me before we got married that he was abusive but I just didn’t see it then.

I know God will help me, but if I stay with my husband, I’ll continue to be bullied. There is no way to escape. He doesn’t’ care even when I ask him to stop or when I tell him he’s being mean. It feels so painful, so sad and I feel ripped apart. I’m also tired of what I’m living with and I think I’m getting ready for some changes.

Do you think I can leave even when my pastor advises me against it?

Answer: This question is actually the blend of two different people’s questions. One has to do with the reality of the abusive situation this woman finds herself in and the second question is from a different reader who wonders why women allow their pastor’s to have the final word as to whether or not they should leave an abusive marriage.

I want to address both concerns because I think these dilemmas are so common for many women in abusive marriages.

First, should you leave your husband? From what you wrote, I think you are already leaning in that direction, for good reasons. However it is important for you to realize (as well as those of us who are concerned about you and others in your situation) that no one can tell you with absolute certainty that you must leave this situation or for that matter, that you should stay.

It’s tempting for those of us who are people helpers (pastor’s, professional and lay counselors and marriage mentors) to step in here and advise you what to do). We want to help, we care, we’re afraid for you, or want to remain true to the scriptures so we all have our opinion on what’s best for you.

However, only you can make that decision. In fact, in order for you to grow up and get healthy, you must make that decision for yourself. You’ve been used to having your husband make all the decisions and you doing what he wants (or suffer his wrath). If you just “do” what the pastor or counselor wants you to do, you are still not taking responsibility for your decision or taking the necessary steps to decide what God is saying to you about your particular situation.

I believe each person should pray, consult with others as well as consider the risks and the consequences of staying or leaving. In other words, what will it cost you and your children (emotionally, spiritually, relationally, mentally, and physically) to stay and what it will cost you to leave? Leaving may be warranted but it is not without perils and suffering. Staying has a high price too.

You are suffering. You see your children hurting and growing up under the mindset that men get to be mean and treat women disrespectfully and abusively if they are angry and don’t get their own way. Since you have sons, this is very worrisome indeed and you’re concerned even now how your oldest son is treating you. Research on abusive men show that many of them grew up in abusive households watching their father abuse their mother. As little boys they didn’t like it. But as grown men they see it as normal.

It also sounds like you’ve tried talking and telling (your pastor) with no change or movement in your husband. You’re right to realize that leaving will either create the crisis for your husband to change or give you a different environment for you and your children to live in. But you and your children and your husband are the ones who will live out the consequences of your decision, therefore I don’t think it’s wise to give another person the power or the responsibility to make that choice for you.

Share with us: How have you handled going against the advice of your pastor or church family and what’s been the result?

Topic: What do you want said at your funeral?

2011-03-28T20:44:00.004-04:00

Evening friends,

Last week I was in California visiting with my precious grandbaby. We went to Disney Land to celebrate her first birthday. It was cold, but thankfully didn’t rain (it rained the rest of the week).

But over the past two weeks I’ve been pondering something. What do you want said about you at your funeral?

Before I left for vacation, I spoke at my first funeral. A colleague of mine died after a long battle with leukemia and as I was thinking about what to say that would capture her spunk and spirit my mind wandered to what people might say at my funeral.

Sounds kind of morbid I know, but stay with me for a minute. Sometimes things get clarified when you look at them with the end in mind. For example, when my children were young, I often asked myself, What kind of character qualities did I want to see in them when they grew up? Taking the time to think about the end results I wanted helped me stay the course even through difficult seasons of parenting.

Thinking about staying married to the same person for a very long time keeps me mindful of the kind of marriage I want after 25, 35, or even 50 years, especially when the moments (or months) are dry or hard.

I think pondering the reality of our own death makes us more intentional about the kind of life we choose to live now. The psalmist prayed, “Teach us to number our days O Lord so that we might present to you a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

Paul instructs us to “be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” Ephesians 5:15

If you knew your days were numbered and only had 30 days to live, or 60 days or even 1,000 more days to live, would you live your days differently than you do right now?

Here are a few ways I have found helpful to live with the end in mind.

Slow Down: One of the things I don’t want said about me at my funeral is that “she was always busy”. If we want to live on purpose and not merely be busy, we will need to first stop hurrying in order to see clearly. When you spin an object, such as the blades of fan fast enough, it gives you the illusion of something solid, something permanent. It’s only when you slow it down do you see it for what it really is.

Many of us spin our lives faster and faster, doing more, striving harder, hoping, that if we’re busy enough, it must mean that we matter, our life has meaning or we are important.

But I have learned that chronic busyness as a warning bell that I’ve gotten out of tune with God and reduced myself into human doing instead of human being. Doing things is important but they do not define who we are as persons.

Chronic busyness makes me tense, irritable, and impatient (because everything is slowing me down) and if I lived with the awareness that my days were numbered, I’d remember that most of the things I’m in such a hurry to do, are not all that important after all.

Have More Fun: I confess. I’m a first born, overachiever. I find it hard to let go and just have fun. That’s why I chose not to blog last week. I was having too much fun playing with my grandbaby and I didn’t want to stop. It was her birthday last Monday and we were partying. If my granddaughter ever speaks at my funeral, I want her to say, “My Nanna loved me and we had fun playing together.”

It is not wrong, sinful or selfish to enjoy your life and take time out to play, in fact, it’s crucial to your well-being and happiness. I have found when you are purposeful in creating meaningful recreation and enjoy life in good ways, you will find yourself renewed, happier, and have fresh enthusiasm about what you do as well as greater clarity about what your values and purposes are.

Simplify: Paul prayed that we would be able to discern what is best so that we would be filled with the fruit of righteousness (Philippians 1:9-11). Simplifying our life choices teaches us to clarify the difference between what’s good and what’s best.

Good things, like ministry, serving on committees, a great job or career, taking care of a house, or even helping the homeless, are wonderful, but they can become the subtle enemy of the best things if your love for doing them is out of order. Simplifying doesn’t mean that we give up everything that’s meaningful to us, but it means that we will discern the things that truly matter, put other responsibilities or activities in their rightful place, and let go of the rest.

When God tells us to choose life, he doesn’t make it complicated. He tells us what the most important and best choices are. Jesus said all the commandments can be summed up into two. Love God first and love others well. When that becomes primary, you are living on purpose and with purpose and everything else you do falls into its proper place.

At my funeral if my family and friends said, "Leslie loved me and I know she loved God," I will have had a life well lived.

Thankfully, none of us know for sure our lifespan but if you haven’t given the end much thought and you’re scurrying through life rather aimlessly, take some time now to ask yourself, What would you like said about you at your funeral?

Share your thoughts with the rest of us.

Today's topic: I have scrupulosity. What are some biblical practical helps to deal with it?

2011-03-14T10:14:00.005-04:00

Thank you sweet friends for all your prayers over the past two weeks. I did not blog last week. I cooked instead. After speaking in Illinois last weekend, I stopped by my parent’s house in Chicago and cooked 12 meals in 36 hours. My mom just had surgery and dad was exhausted taking care of her and it was just something little I could do. So I turned off my computer and turned on the stove. I got home in time for the Power of Women event on Tuesday at Cedar Crest College which was fabulous. I met some wonderful women and it was a fun filled and informative event. I need to remember to take pictures of these things to share with you.

Tonight (Monday, March 14th) I am doing a 1 hour free teleseminar on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship at 9pm EST. It’s not too late to sign up but you’ll have to call the office for the information and a phone number to call in. If you’d like to be a part of the seminar, please call the office toll free at 1-877-837-7931 before 4pm ET.

This week’s question: I am seeing a counselor and I am on medication to deal with anxiety and depression. However, my counselor mentioned that I’m dealing with scrupulosity as part of my depression (there is OCD and anxiety that runs in my family). Granted she and I are dealing with this in counseling, but do you have any practical Biblical applications on dealing with this issue?

P.S. I seem to pick out all the tricky verses of the Bible and apply them to myself. I can’t seem to sleep at night because I wake up thinking about this every morning at 2 a.m. Any practical suggestions would be appreciated; especially since sleep is vital to a depressed person.

Answer: For those who aren’t sure what scrupulosity is, let me first give a brief definition. Scrupulosity is a religious form of obsessive compulsive disorder that was first described hundreds of years ago by the Catholic Church. In scrupulosity there is a preoccupation to the point of obsessing that one is not doing enough to make God happy, or that one has committed a sin by thought, word, or deed, and that God is displeased.

A person suffering with scrupulosity feels tremendous anxiety and guilt because they doubt their own faith and doubt whether God truly forgives them. Then they feel more guilt and anxiety because of their doubt and lack of trust in God. In this process they may develop rituals they must do that help them feel less anxious. But before long, the anxiety builds again and a new ritual or compulsion is needed to calm down.

It becomes a vicious circle of obsessive thought and compulsive behavior and scripture verses alone are usually insufficient to break into the obsessive thought patterns and ritualized compulsions of a person with this problem.

It is believed that Saint Loyola suffered with scrupulosity as well as Martin Luther and even John Bunyan. In his book Grace Abounding, Bunyan vividly describes his preoccupation with blasphemous thoughts. Martin Luther was plagued with doubts and fears so much so that he wanted to go to confession several times a day.
Although scrupulosity is fairly uncommon, you are in good company. Loyola, Bunyan and Luther were all godly men, greatly used by God in spite of their doubts and fears.

You asked for practical, biblical steps to address this issue. First, educate yourself on this disorder. People of all faiths and no faith suffer from scrupulosity. I’d encourage you to read Doubting Disease by Joseph W. Ciarrocchi. This problem has spiritual implications and does involve spiritual warfare (as Satan knows our weak spots), but it is not a statement about your value to God, his love for you, or whether or not you are the lone exception to John 3:16.

You need to find a different explanation to yourself for what you’re experiencing other than God must be disappointed in you for not getting your act together.

Second, study all you can on God’s grace. You need to bathe yourself in grace. Honey your relationship with God is not up to you, it’s up to God and he takes total responsibility for our salvation and sanctification. That doesn’t mean we don’t play a part, but that when we mess up, fess up and receive grace.

Here are just a few scriptures I’d like you to ponder.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant – I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you
You hold my right hand. Psalm 73: 23,24

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful. 1 Thessalonians 5:23,24

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does.
The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. Psalm 145:13B,14

God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Hebrews 6:18-20

Third, you must learn to acknowledge your obsessive thoughts and anxious and guilt feelings, but you must NOT give into them by doing something you think will appease God. If you are going to live by faith in God’s grace, then you will need to trust him to do what he says he will do. If it’s up to you to be good enough, sorry enough, spiritual enough, faithful enough, you will always fail and you will continue to spin in circles and have more sleepless nights.

With OCD and scrupulosity, behavior therapy has been shown fairly effective. That means that you work to change your behaviors by tolerating the bad thoughts or feelings but refusing to give into the compulsive ritual that you’ve used to feel better. That will actually make you feel worse temporarily – for about 20 minutes. But if you stick with it, you will find that you didn’t die and you will begin to feel okay. Grace won. Love won, not fear.

Let me give you an example. Next time you feel guilty about something and then feel you must do something to make it right don’t. Perhaps you remember that you weren’t totally honest with the waiter at the restaurant and although you told him your meal was good, it really wasn’t. You’re tempted now to head back there to confess your sin to the waiter and you are beating yourself up and feeling very guilty for lying. Don’t go back to the restaurant. You will feel anxious for a while and then it will pass.

Instead of defining what you are experiencing as conscious problem or even a sin problem, define it as scrupulosity and you are no longer going to let it RULE your life. Instead the love of Christ is going to control you, not guilt, anxiety, shame or fear. I’d encourage you to work with your Christian counselor on developing some graduated behavioral exercises for you to practice based on your particular issues that will help you break free from your compulsions.

Lastly, stay away from those tricky verses. Scholar’s debate and debate on those obscure passages. Don’t weary yourself by trying to figure them out. Instead look at the whole counsel of God and when you look at the big picture of scripture, it shouts love and grace. Jesus was full of grace and truth. He is your cornerstone. Not your own thoughts, feelings or efforts to be good enough. Put your eyes on Christ, the author and finisher of your faith and stop examining yourself with a microscope.

Topic: I was stalked and emotionally abused. How do I get healthy?

2011-02-28T22:20:00.003-05:00

Good evening friends,

I’d appreciate your prayers as I had out to Illinois this weekend to speak for the East Lynn Women’s Retreat on Saturday. I will stop by my family’s home in Chicago for Sunday and Monday and I’m looking forward to visiting with my mom who had surgery last Friday. Please pray for her if you think of it. Her name is Alice and she’s battling a staph infection.

Today’s Question:A year ago I finally escaped an emotionally abusive relationship with a young man who proceeded to stalk me for 8 months after I told him to get lost. I was never dating him or even interested. He was merely needy and I was kind. As soon as I realized what he wanted (a codependent girl), I told him “absolutely not.”

Out of anger, he attempted to blackmail, emotionally abuse, and stalk me for 8 months. I am e-mailing you because although this was a long time ago and have tried to work through the pain and fear with God and two different counselors, the pain has never gone away and the fear is something I carry into every relationship.

I want to be free, but sometimes all I see is this: the older adults who didn’t believe that this was happening and didn’t raise a finger, my roommate (who let him into my house), and my Christian community who gossiped, hated, or remained aloof instead of helping. Often my emotional energy is exhausted from trying to take care of myself and trying to be a healthy, firm woman. I am 26 years old. I don’t know if you can help me. The last counselor I went to told me that this happened because I was sinful. I AM sinful. But this runs in another vein as well I think. Can you give me any steps to become healthy again?

Answer: I am so sorry that your counseling experience wasn’t more helpful and that one of your counselors even told you it this happened to you because of your own sin. It reminds me of one of Job’s friends. Job didn’t find that kind of advice helpful either.

Let me ask you to think about a few things that might provide a roadmap toward your continued healing.

Believe me, there is a time for breaking down and needing support and comfort for what happened to you. You wrote that this happened a year ago and he stalked you for eight months. That isn’t that much time that has passed from this kind of trauma. So help me understand what makes you feel stuck?

Ask yourself what would be different about you right now if you were healed and functioning like a healthy 26 year old? You say that’s what you’re trying to do but what does that look like to you?

The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote, “there is a time to break down” but he added that there is “a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together (Ecclesiastes 3:3-5).

Sometimes people find that the worst of times also become the seed bed of the best of times. Although for each person it may take a different amount of time, somewhere in our past problems and even current suffering we need to rise out of the rubble in order to not only cope with what has happened to us, but learn to thrive again.

This is where you start to have a say in what kind of story you are writing about your life. We don’t always understand that we play a very significant role in our own healing process. We can’t always control what happens to us (as you have experienced first hand), but if we want to mature and become healthy people, we must decide what we do with what happen to us. This is the most important part of our story. How you choose to respond to this adversity not only reveals your character, it will shape it.

Let me give you a few things to try which are taken from chapter 10 in my book, Lord I Just Want to be Happy

Look for the Meaning or Purpose: While changed up in prison, the apostle Paul wrote of a very difficult experience and said that it served to advance the gospel (Philippians 1:12-13). Paul felt real pain and suffering, but his pain was put in perspective by understanding some of God’s purposes in it.

I want you to write about what happened to you for 15 minutes for four consecutive days. But don’t just vent. As you write, look to make sense of the causes and consequences of what happened. Every day dig a little deeper to extract the diamonds from the rubble. Write a new ending to an old story or close a chapter on an open wound. Let yourself see it in a new way.

Look for the Benefits: When going through a tough time, two questions we can ask ourselves that can help us endure are:

1. What strengths have I discovered in myself, or have the opportunity to develop?
2. What lessons have I learned?

Write about these things. Realize that your experience wasn’t wasted. You will be a stronger person not in spite of, but because of what happened to you. The apostle Paul reminds us that “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4).

Look for the Good: Although what happened to you was bad, if you look hard enough you might be able to find some elements of good to it. A woman who had recently lost her son in a tragic accident told me, “I’m thankful he didn’t suffer. I’m thankful he died doing something he loved. I’m grateful for so many friends who are helping me through this time of loss.” Although this woman suffered the loss of her only child, looking for the good helped her move through it in a better way then if she only looked at all the negative things.

Much of how we feel about life comes from the way we look at it. Consider this poem by Frederick Langbridge:

Two men look out the same prison bars.
One sees mud, and the other stars.

Both men were in prison, mud and stars were equally present, but I think the man who focused on the stars felt happier than the man who only saw mud. You may feel like your life is a prison and that you have a life sentence. There is no erasing your circumstances or what happened to you but how respond to them and see them now will impact your levels of well-being, not only emotionally, but mentally, spiritually, relationally, and physically.

I want you to understand that there are two types of suffering, necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering. Necessary suffering is important. It helps us grieve our losses and deal with our pain. It is used by God to teach us what’s important and to help us grow up and let go of foolish things. Necessary suffering helps us find God and our true selves instead of losing our way through life with temporal delights and deceptive thinking. Necessary suffering is part of living in a sinful and broken world. Things are not as they should be.

Unnecessary suffering is our poor response to necessary suffering. It rises out of our unrealistic expectations, the lies we believe, our bad habits, and our negative emotions such as self-pity, envy, greed, jealousy, resentment, unforgiveness, pride, and shame.

Don’t short circuit the necessary suffering you’re experiencing through this event. But be mindful that it’s a very short walk into unnecessary suffering because we can’t let go, see the good, control negative thoughts or emotions or forgive the people who hurt us.

Try these steps and let me know how you’re doing. Let me know. I care about you.

Topic: Are you an enabler? How do you know?

2011-02-21T20:41:00.005-05:00

Happy late Monday evening sweet blog friends,

This weekend and today was a whirl of writing, writing, writing. I’ve had a couple of deadlines looming and I’m chipping away at them little by little. Most of it has been a more formal writing style (APA format) which I’m not used to so it takes me so much longer to write. I don’t’ like writing that way but the topics were important, two were domestic violence and emotional abuse, plus a few others so I pushed myself to do it. They’re going to be a part of a Christian counselors encyclopedia on hundreds of topics relevant for church leaders, pastors, and counselors. So they had to be short, direct, and hopefully helpful.

Sometimes we just have to just push ourselves out of sheer obedience, even when everything in us would rather not. Sometimes it’s in doing a chore, other times it’s in loving someone who has hurt us, or it might even be following hard after God.

In my Sunday school class this week (we’re studying Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love) we were asked the question, “What am I doing right now that requires me to trust God?” I thought of my writing and certain other areas in my life where I have absolutely no control. I will either despair or trust God. I push myself to trust. I don’t want to fall into that pit of despair.

I have a few newsy items before we get into this week’s blog question. If you want to subscribe to my blog you can click a little button over on the left hand column where all the information is. That way it will automatically come to your mailbox each week (Someone asked me how to subscribe).

Second, I’m going to be doing a free teleconference on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship on Monday evening, March 14th at 9pm ET. You can register by e-mailing me at leslie@leslievernick.com and I will send you the phone number and additional details.

Third, I will be the keynote speaker at the Power of Women event at Cedar Crest College on March 8th. It’s a Tuesday, it’s a totally secular event, and there is a cost to attend, but would love to see you there. For more details you can go to www. powerofwomen.net/events/ to check it out.

Last, good news. I was speaking at Ada Bible Church this past week in Grand Rapids on Depression Proofing Your Life and they videotaped it and it is on their website and you can watch it free for the next 30 days. If you’re struggling with the winter blues, or have battled depressed moods or clinical depression, you will want to watch. Go to www.adabible.org/media_player/?id=395

Today’s Question: I would like to have you explain what “enabling” the emotionally abusive person means? The balance of walking the Christian walk, submitting to my husband but not enabling is a very difficult line to draw. I don’t feel I enable, and my husband is not physically or verbally abusive, but he is emotionally abusive, without knowing it, even though I have tried to raise his awareness of it. The Christians I confide in say that I am an enabler, but I do not like that term…and I don’t feel I am. Can you clarify?

Answer: It’s difficult to hear people tell us something about ourselves we don’t believe is true. And, you’re right sometimes it is a fine line. It might be helpful for you to ask them what they see in you that makes them think you enable your husband’s emotional abuse. But let me ask you to look for a few red flags that might indicate enabling behavior.

1. Do you ever lie, cover up, or make excuses for your husband’s emotionally abusive behaviors? You might have a very good reason like you don’t want to embarrass him or disrespect him by calling it what it is, but right now, just be honest with yourself.

Sometimes we think that this is our duty or responsibility as a submissive wife or godly person to cover up sin, but I don’t believe God wants us to exchange the truth for a lie or call evil good. We can speak the truth with a gentle spirit and in love (with their best interests in mind). The apostle Paul says that we are to having nothing to do with the unfruitful deeds of darkness but rather expose them (Ephesians 5:11. When abuse remains hidden and secret, it flourishes.

2. Do you do regularly change your behaviors, stuff your feelings, or guard what you say just to keep peace, prevent an argument or make him happy?

Again in any marriage there is a fair amount of give and take and at certain times for good reasons we might do any of the above. But when we are the one who is doing most of the accommodating or significantly changing who we are or stuffing how we feel then the relationship is unhealthy.

For example, perhaps your husband is insecure and jealous. For those reasons he does not want you to work, or go to bible study, or even go to the mall without him. To accommodate such controlling demands actually enables his insecurity and jealousy to flourish, not to change and heal. That’s where the fine line between submission and enabling starts to blur. Do you submit to your husband’s demands to stay home all the time or it actually better and healthier for you, for him, and for your marriage to challenge them?

3. Are you doing things for your husband that he should be doing for himself?

Again in marriage there are times spouses do extra and do favors for one another. But when you are the one doing the most of the work and your spouse is not sharing those responsibilities, you are enabling him to be selfish, lazy, and indifferent.

4. Are you taking the responsibility or blame for things that you are not responsible for. For example, when your husband loses his temper and says “if only you were more organized, or more submissive, or cooked better, or didn’t upset him” do you enable him to blame shift and make you responsible for his bad behaviors?

Now in each of these areas you cannot change your husband. You may be doing all you can to be healthy and he still may be abusive. You can’t make him help you, or take responsibility for his own emotional outbursts, or be more secure and less threatened. I don’t know your particular story or what your spouse is doing that you feel is emotionally abusive, but see if you play a part in enabling his behaviors to flourish and grow without protest or consequence. Then you'll have a good idea on what you can work on.

Readers: How have you learned to walk the fine line between enabling and being a godly and submissive wife?

Topic: My 18 year old is trashing his life and driving me crazy. What do I do?

2011-02-14T09:46:00.004-05:00

Happy Valentine’s Day sweet friends,

I hope you’re doing something fun or special today to show someone that you love him or her. It’s so much easier to criticize than encourage, easier to be lazy than work hard at our relationships, easier to be careless with our words than think through something constructively before we say it.

Today friends, commit with me that you will intentionally encourage someone, work hard at your relationships and be mindful with your words. If you can throw in a smile or two in the process that always helps. Life is hard but when you have close and loving connections it makes life bearable and even enjoyable.

Sorry I didn’t post a new blog question last week. I was behind in sending out my newsletter and the blog post went with the content of the newsletter so I left it the same for last week.

But last Friday I was rushing through my day. I was stressed out, trying to get more done than was possible in the limited amount of time I allotted and of course, I was feeling it in my body and my mood. Right then the Lord reminded me again of those five simple words, I am with you always. Why it that we so easily forget what is true? Share with me what you are doing to remember!

Saturday I had a wonderful day speaking at Grace Fellowship EF Church in Milford, New Jersey. We talked about what makes our relationships better and I felt so encouraged by the sweet teachable spirits of the women who attended. Although it was Valentine’s weekend, a recent widow came up to me afterward and said, “I didn’t think I would like this talk. I’m not married and I didn’t know what you would have to say that applied to me. But I see that I am still in many relationships and what you said has everything to do with how I handle my part of those relationships.” I came home happy (love serving Jesus and others) and exhausted. I promptly took a nap.

This Tuesday, I’d appreciate your prayers. I fly out to Grand Rapids to speak at Ada Bible Church on Depression Proofing Your Life. Please pray for me as I have a very early flight and want to have enough energy left at the end of the day to speak well.

I do covet your prayers. Right now I feel a little bit exhausted. I have a heavy speaking/writing schedule for the next few weeks I want to finish it well.

Today’s Question: I am a single mom of an 18 year old son who just dropped out of school. He is ADHD and refuses therapy and medication since becoming an adult. He is very angry all the time and verbally and physically abusive towards me when I try to talk to him about school. He is not working and becoming very lazy around the house, does no chores and expects me to clean up after him.

I am very tired of this situation and am contemplating putting him out of the home but worry about his welfare if I do this. I am so torn with making the right decision that would be pleasing to God.

I don’t see the situation getting better. He hangs out with friends day and night, coming in and out of the house as he pleases. He also started smoking and not just cigarettes. I’m in dire straits. Help!

Answer: You are in a very difficult situation that has no easy answers. If you continue to allow your son to stay home and be lazy, abusive, and irresponsible toward you and his own life, you are not really helping him grow up and mature even if you are allowing him to receive food and shelter. On the other hand, if you kick him out of the house, you’re afraid he might escalate his poor choices and that could result in more serious consequences like jail time, getting injured, or even killed.

First, let me tell you I have never seen a situation like this turn itself around all by itself. In other words, if your son is allowed to continue to live as he does with no painful consequences, he will continue to live as he does. The painful consequences are falling on you. You feel afraid, you are walking on eggshells in your own home, you’re tired and don’t like being the mother/maid of a grown child.

What might happen next is that he meets a girl who is willing to assume the mother/maid role in his life. She won’t know that’s what she’s agreeing to when she meets him but that’s eventually what will happen. He will move out of your house and live with her. However, if he continues his lazy, abusive, and irresponsible ways, she will probably kick him out and then he’ll be back with you.

So you do need a plan and here is what I suggest. You need to start by having a heart to heart talk about your life with your son. Don’t talk about him, school, etc. You already know that approach doesn’t work.

So here’s what you’re going to try to say or write if he won’t listen.

“I realize that you are not an adult and I have very little say in what you do with your life. But I do have a say about how my life goes and right now I’m not happy with my life. I love you but I’m weary. I cannot afford to keep paying your bills, taking care of your laundry, and cleaning up after your messes. You are a man now and you need to assume those responsibilities and take care of yourself. Today is February 14th. Starting tomorrow, I am not going to clean up after your messes or do your laundry. I expect you to assume those responsibilities as an adult who lives here.

I also expect you to pay your own bills and contribute some room and board to your living expenses. (specify what you want in exact dollar amount). That will mean that you’ll need to get a job. I will give you 30 days to get some kind of job and begin to pay your own bills. If you decide this is unacceptable to you, then you must find someplace else to live.”

And here’s where you throw in a bonus, “Son, my personal opinion is that you need medication to function at your best. If you agree to go back on your medication, I’ll give you an extra 30 days to get on your feet with these things. If not, then you have 30 days to get a job and take care of your responsibilities or you’ll need to find another place to live. I’ll always love you but I do not think it’s my place to take care of you anymore. That is your job.”

What does God think of tough love? Remember biblical love always acts in the best interests of the beloved. What is in your son’s best interest? I think it is to grow up, be responsible, and take care of himself. When we continue to allow our child to be habitually irresponsible and lazy with no consequences, that’s not called biblical love, it’s called fear and co-dependency.

The apostle Paul rebukes laziness and says that if someone won’t work, he shouldn’t eat. (2 Thessalonians 3:6-10). A great book on this whole subject is Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.

If you’ve been in this kind of situation, please share what you’ve done that has helped you stay sane and how you’ve dealt with your anxiety about what your child might do if you stopped enabling him or her?

Topic: How do I heal from emotional wounds?

2011-02-01T17:46:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends,

Yes it’s Tuesday. Late Tuesday. I’ve been working on this blog today because of the snow. Yesterday I was scurrying to finish up some writing deadlines and thank you so much for your prayers. I finished three out of four articles. I have one more to write this weekend. I so appreciate your encouraging words and prayers. They mean so much to me. In today’s answer I’ve taken a different approach to answering a question. It just seemed to fit with what I’ve been thinking about lately and wanted to share it more with you.

Be sure to sign up for my February newsletter if you haven’t already at www.leslievernick.com. I’m going to tell you five words that can change your life.

Today’s Question: My physical injuries have healed from people who’ve abused me, but the negative feelings are still there. What can I do to find deeper healing?

Answer: Emotional wounds are much more damaging than physical wounds are and heal slowly. I’d highly recommend that you read the last section (Surviving it) of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship as well as How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong for specific steps that you can take for your emotional growth and healing. But let share with you a meditation I’ve been pondering that may give you a good start.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the story of the women who had an issue of blood for 12 years. You know her; she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, hoping to be healed. But let’s look more closely at her story to understand how deeper healing takes place. (Read Mark 5 and Luke 8 for the story.)

Here is a woman who was an outcast. She was labeled an unclean woman, socially unacceptable, undesirable, and dirty. Jewish law mandated that if someone touched an unclean person, they would need to go through the Jewish purification ritual in order to regain their rights to enter the temple. She was an untouchable woman and people kept their distance. She had spent all her resources to find help, but she only got worse. This woman heard Jesus coming and thought to herself, “if only I can touch his cloak, I will be healed.” ─ and to her surprise ─ she was.

Immediately she tried to escape the crowd unnoticed. Remember, she touched Jesus and according to Jewish law, that made him unclean. How embarrassed and scared she must have felt when Jesus turned and said, “Who touched me?” If she identified herself then everyone would know what she had done.

Let’s step back for a moment and look at the larger story here. Jesus was heading to Jairus’ house. Jairus was a Jewish leader, a ruler of the synagogue. Yet he approached Jesus for help because his young daughter lay dying. Jairus was a daddy before he was a religious leader and so he fell at Jesus’ feet begging him to heal his daughter.

It was on the way to Jairus’ home with the crowd pressing in that Jesus stopped and asked who touched him? I wonder in that moment what Jairus thought and felt? Did he feel impatient, anxious for Jesus to hurry up and get to his house? His daddy’s heart wanted his daughter healed. I wonder if he also felt a bit angry at this woman for distracting Jesus and taking valuable time away from a more pressing need. I suspect he might have even felt angry at Jesus for not prioritizing his daughter’s life threatening illness over this woman’s chronic bleeding problem.

Plus, Jarius was a person of influence and importance. He was a leader: he spoke and people listened. He risked everything to beg for Jesus’ help and now Jesus was wasting time asking who touched him while his daughter lay dying.

Do you ever feel like Jairus? God isn’t moving fast enough for your emergency? Angry and impatient that other people’s prayers are getting answered while you are still waiting?

Jairus was a daddy and wanted to see his daughter healed. But dear readers, one of the lessons of this story is that this woman had a daddy too, and her daddy cared about her needs and he knew she had no one who begged for her healing. Jesus stopped and called her forth because he wanted her to know something very important. Listen to what he told her. He said, “Daughter, Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” He wanted her to know that her daddy (the Heavenly Father) saw her suffering and told Jesus to help her too.

Jesus wanted her to know that she mattered to God. Although her culture rejected her, God did not. Although she was judged to be unclean, Jesus declared her whole. He wanted her to know that she was a person of value and worth. Even in a pressured moment, Jesus took the time to have a conversation with a nameless women who felt unclean, unloved and unimportant. He wanted her to know who she was. She was a daughter of a daddy who cared.

How about you? Perhaps your father abused you. Your husband rejects you. People don’t understand you. You feel like an unclean women, damaged goods. If only you could touch his cloak, you’d be well. I have good news for you. Daughter, go in peace and be freed from your suffering. God wants to help you. He wants you to know that you matter. You are important to him. He sees you and knows you and is never too busy with more important people to meet your very personal need. You are not nameless, or worthless, or hopeless. You have a daddy, he’s called Abba (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6).

Knowing and believing that, is the beginning of your healing.

As for Jairus, Jesus didn’t forget about his concern although he probably felt that way when he got word that his daughter died. But Jesus turned to him and said, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” What did it take to walk those next miles home, heavy with sorrow yet clinging to faith? Perhaps that’s where you are right now. You feel hopeless or angry or disappointed. But Jairus trusted what Jesus said to him, and because he did, he saw a miracle. Jesus took his precious daughter’s hand and said, “Honey, wake up.”

What is Jesus saying to you right now, even if the midst of sorrow, heartache, broken dreams and shattered promises? Can you trust what he is saying and continue to walk in faith? That is healing. He says to you, “Honey, wake up. You were lost and now you're found. I have recued you from the domain of darkness and put you into the kingdom of light. You were an orphan but now you are in a family. You are precious and I have not forgotten you."

Believing God, and letting his words define us, heal us. Psalm 107:20 He sent forth his word and healed them.

Topic: My adult daughters verbally abuse me. How can I get them to stop?

2011-01-24T21:24:00.005-05:00

Hello friends,

Thank you so much for your prayers for my week away and the speaking event this past weekend at Cowgirls of Faith in Texas. It was a great time of fellowship and ministry and I felt your prayers throughout my speaking times. God is good. Here is a picture of the wonderful music that blessed the event as well as me with Michelle Carson, the coordinator of the entire weekend.

I am so blessed to have the wonderful privilege of sharing some of the things he is teaching me to a wider audience. This week is a heavy writing week. I have several projects due next Monday and I need to have good flow to finish my obligations. Please pray that I receive that special Holy Spirit anointing.

Today’s Question: What can I do about grown children 33 and 36, who get mad at me and are verbally abusive toward me? I’ve always been there for them. I have helped them move numerous times. I’ve listened when they were down. I babysit their children all of the time. When they had no food in the house, I brought them necessities. I took care of them after surgery.

When one of them divorced, I made a point of inviting her out to dinner so she could get out. Not that it matters, but we are upper middle class. We do not curse; we did not physically or verbally abuse our kids. They just lash out verbally if and when they get mad, mainly at me.

I have a neurological disease that affects my eyesight and speaking voice and ability to get my breath as well as a minor heart condition. These two children I’m talking about are my youngest daughters. We also have an older son and daughter. We have no problems with our son and our older daughter went through a “blaming” period in her life, but has matured and knows that her life is the result of decisions she has made.

What can I do about these two girls that cut my heart out with their words?

Answer: It is so painful to see our adult children sin, especially when it is against us, their parents, who would give our very lives for these children. Sadly there is nothing you can do to change your girls. But, there ARE some things that you can do about how they are treating you that may begin to influence and invite your girls to change themselves. You do not HAVE to let yourself be abused.

When we are a repeated victim of mistreatment by someone we’re in relationship with, we must stop and ask ourselves what is our part? Please don’t misunderstand me. Taking a hard look at your part does not mean you are at fault for the mistreatment. But you must ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to continuously be mistreated and verbally abused by your own children without protest or consequence?

My guess is that you fear that if you put your foot down and say “I’ve had enough of this!” you fear losing your relationship with your daughters. It’s true that they may respond poorly and not call you for a while because you’ve stopped putting up with their abuse. But my guess is that over time they will come to their senses and realize that you love them and they were wrong for the way they have treated you.

But if that doesn’t happen, let me ask you what kind of relationship do you really have with them? It’s time to gather up your courage and put your foot down with your daughters. The next time one of them goes off on you and is abusive, I want you to say this:

“I’ve decided I can no longer allow myself to be treated this way. I’d be happy to discuss what you’re angry about with me, but I will not allow myself to be yelled at, cursed at, or abused (or whatever specifically they are doing in that moment).”

Then stop and wait to see how they respond. If they mock you or continue the verbal tirade, simply say, “ I guess you didn’t understand. I’m not going to allow myself to be treated this way. I’m going to hang up now.” And then do it!

That shift in your behavior will shock them. They probably will call back, ream you out if you answer, if you don’t, they will do it on the answering machine. Don’t call them back, don’t engage, don’t argue with them or get into a verbal war over this simple request for them to communicate with you in a respectful way, even when they’re angry.

I want you to sound like a broken record, saying the same few phrases over and over and over again, “I will not allow myself to be treated this way any longer. If you’re upset with me and want to talk with me, you’ll have to do it without (screaming, cursing) at me.” Be specific here as to what the specific abuse is.

If they refuse to comply, hang up. Your part is to keep repeating these same phrases again and again and again until they get it. They don’t receive the privilege of your attention or your company when they are abusive toward you. If they stop their behaviors, you are all ears and willing to engage.

Sound like a plan? Try it and let us know how it goes. Don’t give up or get discouraged if they don’t respond positively right away. Stick with it. Change doesn’t happen overnight and your daughters are in some bad habits that they probably aren’t even conscious of. But as you set your boundaries and firm your resolve not to be abused any longer, I believe that your daughters will begin to be more self-controlled and learn to express their anger or hurt in a much more constructive way. That is a win-win for everyone in the family.

Welcoming Prayer

2011-01-16T15:40:00.004-05:00

Blessed Sunday dear friends:

Present to the Presence

And so, we have come to know and rely on the love that God has for us. 1 John 4:16

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your heart.” 1 John 5:21

I’ve been sharing with you my adventure to be more and more attentive to the Presence of God in my life this year. It’s not that God is more present than he was last year, but I’m being intentional about becoming more aware that he is there.
How do we pay more attention?

First, we have to want it. Every day there are many things that scream for our attention. What we prioritize in our mind doesn’t always get the most attention. The apostle John warns us to stay away from things that might take God’s place in our heart. In my life I find the things that most often distract me from God aren’t bad things. Usually they’re good things, important things, but when I get caught up in, or rely on those things instead of God, I am bowing to a false god instead of relying on Jesus.

How do we know we’ve been serving another master? Pay attention to the tension in your body as well as your negative emotions. These can be the first warning signs that you need to reorient yourself. Perhaps you feel tense when looking at your bank balance or find yourself clenching your jaw when your spouse says hurtful words. You feel irritated with the pokey driver or hurt because you didn’t get invited to the party at a friend’s home.

False gods come in many forms but tend to group themselves around the idols of security/comfort; approval/affection and power/control. Ask yourself what are the things that take God’s place in your heart? Jesus says when he becomes the center of our heart, we experience perfect love and have nothing to fear.

I promised you last week I would share with you one thing I have been practicing to experience more of God’s loving presence and it’s called Welcoming Prayer.

I use it when I feel stressed out with life, notice my body tensing, or feel negative emotions. Remember, these things usually happen because our security has been shaken, or we’re not getting the approval or affection we crave, or we have no control over a particular situation or power to change another person.

Here is the prayer.

1. Focus on the feeling in your body, becoming aware is the first step. Sink into it (tension in your chest or belly, clenched jaw, shaking hands, etc). Do a body scan and see what feels tense or upset.

This step is counterintuitive because we often ignore our bodily sensations, minimize them or reject them all together. We see them as nuisances or enemies and try to fight them off. In this prayer do the opposite. Accept what's happening in your body and give it your attention.

2. Welcome the feeling or sensation. Our intention here is to acknowledge where we are at this moment and then welcome and consent to the Presence and action of the Holy Spirit. We want to embrace what is happening to us at this present moment (as it exposes our idolatry) instead of fighting it or trying to ignore it.

3. Reorient yourself. You are now ready to let go and you can do so by praying to God, “Lord, I let go of my desire for security and comfort right now. I let go of my desire for approval and affection, power and control. I let go of my desire to change this feeling or this situation. Right now I will be in this moment with you Lord.

I have found it very helpful as an “in the moment” means of being aware and consciously moving toward God in a more surrendered and yielded way. Practicing this prayer has also helped me identify which idols are getting stirred and recognize that my well-being is depending on something “other” than God.

How do I know this? The body doesn’t lie. We know something is “off” when we get distressed in body and spirit. Even when our mind cannot acknowledge something, (anger for example) our body language is saying something very different.

Being attentive to body tension is a faster way to resting in God then trying to mentally figure it all out. In this step we are submitting ourselves and surrendering ourselves in a conscious way to the Lordship of Christ in our body/heart.

Please don’t think that this prayer means we never take any action. But it is only when we recognize what is truly happening and give it to God, will we have His wisdom to know what the proper action is. Otherwise all we do is RE-action and usually it causes more problems.

Try it and let me know what you think.

I’ll post some pictures next week of my Cowgirls of Faith Conference.

Topic: Is is it OK for an parent of an adult to step into their problem?

2011-01-11T08:24:00.002-05:00

Happy Tuesday sweet friends,

Monday got away from me. It’s actually late Monday night when I’m starting to write this blog. I want to tell you, I love, love LOVE living in the reality of the Lord’s Presence. It has made all the difference in my mood as well as how I handle the day’s interruptions. I’ll tell you about something I’ve been doing for a while called Welcoming Prayer next week. I’ll post on Sunday as I’m headed to Houston on Saturday for my annual girlfriends gathering. I do this once a year where friends who do what I do (speak and write) gather together for friendship, encouragement, exercise and pressing into God. I won’t have internet connection Monday through Friday.

I speak in Dallas that following Friday night and Saturday at the Cowgirls of Faith Conference (January 21 and 22). I’d appreciate your prayers.

This week’s question: My married daughter is in an emotionally draining relationship. She will be married 2 years this May. Her husband will not go to counseling even though they have met with their pastor and his wife and nothing has changed in the marriage. He is an elder in the church and leads a youth bible study about once a month. He still wants to hang out with his friends, more than he should as a married man, takes a biblical class and works part-time. She works full-time, takes on-line classes for her degree and basically does 80% of the housework. They are now having money issues, etc.

When as a parent can I step in and either talk to him, one-on-one or call his parents so they are aware of what is going on? He is a perfectionist and has difficulty making any decision, no matter how small for fear of it being the wrong decision.

Answer: My personal opinion is that I think your ability to take charge of this situation is zero. As the observer and parent adult children, your role is to pray for their maturity, to ask God to give them an awareness of what they need to work on and let God do what He is going to do.

If your daughter is unhappy in her marriage or the imbalance of work/play responsibilities, it is not for you to speak up on her behalf, but for her to gain the strength and courage to speak up for herself and/or set the appropriate boundaries.

If her husband has trouble making decisions because of his idolatry of perfectionism his parents cannot fix that for him. Only he can address and/or repent of these issues.

Believe me. I know how hard it is to let go and let our children be adults and make their own choices – right or wrong. But what real control do we have? Of course we can try to manipulate, force them to feel guilty and try to control them but does that ever lead to significant heart change or does that just further alienate us from them and maybe from our Lord?

If your daughter is complaining to you and that’s how you know all of these things, I think the wisest thing you could do is to say to her, “Honey, it must be really hard. I’ll pray that you have the wisdom to know how to handle this situation in a godly way.” Or, you could say, “Perhaps you need to tell him (her husband) that you don’t like that, or that is not acceptable to you.” In other words, you can influence your adult children IF you have a good relationship with them, but ultimately change is up to them and God.

Let go of your desire to control this marriage and get on your knees. That is the best thing you can do right now to help them.

Another picture: Topic: My husband doesn't get that his actions are hurting our relationship. What do I do?

2011-01-03T17:45:00.006-05:00

Hi Sweet Friends,

Happy New Year. I hope you had a wonderful holiday. I did but as always, I ate too much and now find myself 4 pounds heavier then I was at Thanksgiving and I’m not happy! I’m back to no bread or pasta so I can get those pounds off before it becomes worse.

I couldn’t resist posting one more photo of my granddaughter. We are at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia, where we went to see the Cleopatra exhibit. They got back home to California on Friday and Sunday we got a video of Amaya walking all by herself from one end of her living room to the other.

As I’ve told you, I’m trying to consciously live in the Lord’s presence this year in a much more intentional way. Each day I look forward to our time together where He meets me with special things he wants to tell me or show me. For example, this week I read in Psalm 89:14, “Unfailing love and truth walk before you as attendants.” Imagine that with me. What would your day be like if you knew, without a doubt, that unfailing love was at your right side and truth along your left? What would you have to be afraid of? What could possibly rob you of your joy?

Jesus tells all of us that there are two kingdoms operating, not only in our culture, but also in our own heart. One is the kingdom of love and peace, the other of power (control) and fear. Honestly, my default mode is always control and fear. But I want to live (internally) in the kingdom of love and peace and one way I am learning to do that is to remember that unfailing love and truth walk before me as attendants. Remember Jesus’ words, the kingdom of God is within (Luke 17:23). Join me, in practicing his presence and let’s share our journey together.

This week’s question: I so enjoyed your book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, I want to read it over again and pray and meditate on some of the truths you wrote. However, in reading the book and praying I’ve been a little confused. I’ve also been doing a bible study on the Wife of Noble Character. I am learning how to handle myself when my husband is sarcastic or short tempered: but where I have found it difficult is if he says something to me that is really hurtful and mean, or when I catch him in a lie.

For example, he was out of town when his cell phone accidently dialed home and when I asked him where he was, he told me he was in his hotel room when he was really with his coworkers at a bar. He apologized later but I fear it can’t be the first time he has lied. Also when I forgive him for instances like these, and even bigger things like when he’s been verbally abusive towards me, it’s hard to be intimate and I really don’t know how to respond.

My question is what would natural consequences be for lying and being verbally abusive towards me? How do I respond besides saying, “You will not talk with me that way” or “I deserve to be told the truth and it’s important for me to trust you.”
He’s a good father and good man in so many ways, but it’s times like these I just don’t know what to do.

Answer: You are on the right track by attending to your relationship with God and to your own responses rather than trying to change your husband. But one of the things that you identify that is greatly impacted by your husband’s behavior is your ability to trust him and your desire to be intimate. Honey, those ARE the natural consequences for what is happening in your relationship.

It still surprises me that people fail to understand a simple Biblical concept. The apostle Paul says “what we sow, we reap.” (Galatians 6:7). In other words, your husband cannot lie to you and verbally abuse you, and continue to expect that your marriage will thrive, feel close, warm and intimate. That’s like me stomping on my flower garden and still expecting flowers to grow or showing up late for work and still expecting my boss will give me a promotion and raise.

It doesn’t happen that way. Your husband might be a great guy 75% of the time, but what about the other 25%? What’s that negative time doing to the stability and health of your marriage and family life? If I stomp on some of my plants only one time, they’re finished blooming. That’s it.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say. No marriage has 100% great times. There is no perfect husband or wife and so there is sin and suffering in every marriage. But how those difficult times are dealt with and repaired makes all the difference in the health and well-being of the marital relationship. It sounds like you’re trying hard to do your part to not overreact, return evil for evil, or treat your husband disrespectfully just because he treats you that way.

However, if he continues to lie and/or verbally abuse you, his actions are just as destructive to the health of your marriage as swinging an axe into your bedroom walls would be to your physical home. Acting that way causes damage and it takes time to repair it. The more often it happens the harder it is to keep fixing it.

So your next step is to have an honest talk with him about what’s going on. Perhaps he isn’t connecting the dots but for the welfare of your marriage and yourself, you must now connect them for him. I love the Hebrew word ezer in the scriptures that traditionally has been translated for women as “helpmeet”. Helpmeet is not the best translation of ezer because it doesn’t convey the true strength of the role given to women. Carolyn Custis James, in her insightful book, Lost Women of the Bible writes, “The ezer is a warrior, and this has far reaching implications for women, not only in marriage, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life.” She says, “Eve and all her daughters are ezers – strong warriors who stand alongside their brothers in the battle for God’s kingdom.”

I want you to gear up for battle through prayer. You are an ezer for your husband and your family. Paul tells us God gives us power to demolish strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4). Next you are going to prepare your heart to have a hard (not harsh) talk with your husband about what’s going on and the consequences to your marriage when he chooses to lie and verbally abuse you. Jesus says we prepare for these kinds of hard talks by taking the log out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck from our brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3). So deal with your anger, face your fear, see if there is any resentment or bitterness or whatever sin that is in you that Satan could use to confuse you and twist things around.

Next, as you’ve done this preparation, you’ll have a humble and gentle heart which is the one most likely to be heard. Humility doesn’t mean weak, nor is it passive. Remember, you are an ezer and that means you are a strong warrior woman who is fighting for the integrity of her marriage and well-being of her husband. Plan your conversation so that your word choice reflects how his behaviors are hurting you, hurting the marriage, and hurting your ability to be intimate as well as trust him. For example you might say something like this:

“I love you. I want more than anything else to have a strong loving marriage and a great family life with you for as long as I live. However, I know you’ve noticed that I’m having trouble being intimate with you lately and I don’t trust you. None of us is perfect and I don't expect you to be perfect but I am asking you for the welfare of our relationship, to tell me the truth, even when you don’t think I’ll like it. I also need you to respect me, even when you’re angry. (be specific here with what he does that feels like abuse to you – whether that is name calling, cursing at you, etc).

“Lying to me and calling me names when you’re angry is not acceptable to me, even occasionally and I won’t continue to allow myself to be treated that way. I need you to know that if you choose to to act that way, it will negatively impact our marriage even more than it has already. I don’t want that to happen and that’s why I’m talking with you now. I want us to heal and thrive and be close, but it’s important that you understand something about me. I will never feel close to you if I can’t trust you or if I feel afraid of (or disrespected by) you. It’s just not possible for me.”

Then stop talking and wait for his response. If he agrees that he needs to change, then ask him what can you do to respectfully remind him of this new commitment when you fear he’s lying again or he begins to talk disrespectfully to you (because no one changes overnight). This will be a good indicator of his desire to stop these destructive behaviors. When we’re truly repentant, we’re willing to be accountable for making the changes we say we will make.

Start there and see how it goes. If things deteriorate, I’d encourage you to get my other book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. In it you will find specific resources and next steps.